The Whole Year Inn

Movie Question Answered

2007-08-23T19:36:00.000-06:00

What do Sam (Tom Hanks) and Annie (Meg Ryan) do after they get down from the Empire State Building at the end of Sleepless In Seattle?

I think that they went back to Sam’s hotel in Times Square, put Jonah to bed, went down to the hotel bar, where Sam preceded to get hammered on red wine (or Zima), and ended-up talking about his deceased wife all night long before trying to awkwardly kiss Annie and convince her to come up his hotel room for “just a minute.”

Like a bad ending to an episode of Blind Date, he asks her if she likes him, she hesitantly says yes, he tries to make his move, she says no, he persists, she gets irritated, he starts launching Hail Marys, he forces her into an uncomfortable hug that lasts a few seconds too long, and then they part way.
However, the normal rules of dating don’t seem to apply to men over 35. After my mom died and my dad started dating again, I would often give him advice on when to call, what not to do, etc. For some odd reason, when you’re dating at that age, you do the exact opposite of what you do when you’re in your 20s. Instead of waiting two days to call, you call when you get home THAT NIGHT. Instead of playing it cool, you immediately send her a dozen roses. Instead of teasing her, you compliment the heck out of her. For us younger guys, that’s a totally foreign and baffling concept. It’s also quite scary. For my dad and his date, it was totally normal.

I bring this up because maybe the fact that Sam and Annie live on different coasts, don’t really know each other, will see each other only a couple times a year, he’s a widowed single dad and she recently broke-up an engagement, makes them a perfect match. After all, it’s the exact opposite of what I would do.

Review Of: Superbad

2007-08-23T19:24:00.000-06:00

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Seth, borrowing hair and clothing from Napoleon Dynamite, and trying his best not to do a Chris Farley impression, and Evan, a dumber version of William Miller from Almost Famous, embark on a journey to provide alcohol for a party in an attempt to impress their two crushes. Wait. Actually, I could cut and paste the synopsis for Stardust in here and it would still work … check it out.

STARDUST
Tristan is the local loser who has a crush on the town hottie. In order to prove his worthiness and love for the hot chick, he sets off to find the remains of a shooting star and bring them back to the shallow, attractive girl. Along the way, Tristan encounters witches and princes and spells and black magic and talking animals and pirates and most importantly, the shooting star – whose actually is Claire Danes.

SUPERBAD
Seth and Evan are the local high school losers who have crushes on the town hotties. In order to prove their worthiness and love for the hot chicks, they set off to find alcohol and bring it back to the shallow, attractive girls. Along the way, Seth and Evan encounter fake IDs, police officers, drugs, fights, car accidents and most importantly, the alcohol.

The fact that both synopses can be written the same way is not a bad thing. In fact, it shows that mans eternal quest to prove his love for a woman is a timeless tale. But it also shows that the greater experience is not the completion of the quest, but rather the journey itself; whether it’s in Medieval England with a would-be prince or Suburban California with two horny teenagers.

Thank you for watching Inside the Actor’s Studio. I’m James Lipton.

Noteworthy Moment From Before the Movie Started:

I love the stereotypical crowds for certain types of movies. You catch an animated film and it’s a bunch of soccer-MILFs hanging out with already hyper children who aren’t paying attention and are eating candy and drinking soda for an hour and a half. A Meg Ryan film produces tons of single girls and couples where the guy is whipped. Any period piece flick or war film will have all the suburban empty-nesters out in droves, and any Depression-era film will get the Matlock Fan Club to fill the seats. Obviously you make a sci-fi movie and you have a bunch of dorks who haven’t been laid since William Shatner made a good movie. And any movie containing a “z” instead of an “s” in its title, and you have people yelling at the screen and cell phones going off the entire time.

I mention this because before seeing a young adult film like Superbad, I noticed I was surrounded by a bunch of teenagers who still think it’s funny to throw Skittles, make farting sounds when the theatre goes black, and dress like Turtle from Entourage.

Quote of the Movie:

“Have you looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard The Beatles.”

“You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.”

“Why don’t you calm down, it’s soccer.”

The last quote is directed to ESPN and everyone else who is trying in-vain to make David Beckham and soccer relevant. It’s never going to happen. We don’t care!

Pleasant Surprise:

McLovin.

And in two ways:

1) I haven’t giggled at a name throughout a movie that much since Focker in Meet the Parents.

2) Surprisingly the McLovin sequences were consistently the funniest parts of the film. The kid was a great mix between William (Charlie Korsmo) in Can’t Hardly Wait and Kyle (DJ Quails) from Road Trip. And while Seth and Evan were embarking on the most boring part of the film (trying to steal alcohol from a party), McLovin and the cops were producing lines like “You just cock-blocked McLovin.”

Nit-picking:

You thought it was a stretch how Ben (Seth Rogan) hooked-up with Allison (Katherine Heigl) in Knocked Up? That’s nothing compared to the stretch of Seth (Jonah Hill) getting even the slightest big of attention from Jules (Emma Stone) in high school.

How do I know? Because I lived Seth’s and Evan’s lives during high school. And there isn’t enough alcohol in high school to ever convince the hot, popular chick to be interested in fat, vulgar dork. It’s not happening. Believe me, I tried. And I wasn’t even fat or vulgar. Jules is getting it from half the linebacking corps and the starting backcourt.

What I Learned:

That this was a funny movie but would have been even better if Evan (Michael Cera) wouldn’t have killed it with his acting. He made Kevin (Thomas Ian Nichols) from American Pie look like Jack Nicholson.

Cards on the Table Time:

You are going to laugh aloud during this movie. You are going to get frustrated by the fact there is no way two-time Academy Award winner, Evan, is turning down his high school crush while she is drunk, offering to give him head, while dry-humping his leg, and is only wearing a bra. Think of your high school crush, are you turning them down in that scenario? I didn’t think so. Pope Benedict wouldn’t turn down his crush given those conditions and we are supposed to believe Evan will? C’mon.

Anyway, you are going to be pleasantly surprised by Seth Rogan and his cop-buddy’s performances – even if it gets old by the end. You are going to note the strange number of vehicle-related incidents. You are going to be startled by the amount of profanity. You are going to wish there was some form of nudity in the same spirit of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You are going to grow emotionally attached to a bottle of Goldslick Vodka. You are going to think to yourself, “wow, this ending is dragging.” But most importantly, you are going to enjoy the movie not because of the unoriginal rite-of-passage plot, but because the characters are fun and how they talk to each other is hilarious. You are going to have a good time and walk out of the theatre happy.

Now I bet you can’t hardly wait to see this film and talk about with your friends afterwards eating a slice of American pie.

Correction:
From the review of I Know Who Killed Me, the name of the crappy movie that destroys Vegas in Resident Evil: Extinction, not Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

The Best Vegas Movies, Part II

2007-08-13T23:22:00.000-06:00

#5 – Casino

This movie will get you in the mood for Vegas simply because it gives you a great understanding of what Vegas was like before Stardust, Circus-Circus, Tropicana and The Frontier all sucked, before Steve Wynn changed The Strip forever when he built The Mirage, and before MGM ruined Treasure Island by turning it into TI.

But there are two things that keep Casino from being a great Vegas movie, and to an extent, a great movie altogether:

A. None of the characters are likeable.
B. It lacks quotable or memorable lines

In Casino’s older brother, Goodfellas, Ray Liotta’s character is pretty much a likeable guy for most of the film. Joe Pesci’s character is enjoyable for the same reasons as Tony Soprano. And we root for Robert DeNiro’s character because he does the things we like to see from a mob character. In Casino, unless you like characters who chain smoke, do lots and lots of drugs, betray their best friend by hooking up with his wife, and wear funny-looking robes and suits – you probably aren’t going to like any of the main characters. And there isn’t one “I’m funny like a clown, I’m here to amuse you” scenes.

All of that being said, the first hour of the film is as good as it gets. It gives you a fantastic behind the scenes look of how a casino was run in 70s, how annoying redneck gamblers can be, Vegas’ policy on cheaters, and why you want to avoid Joe Pesci and vises whenever possible. Add that stuff up, and put it with Scorsese’s direction, awesome cinematography, cool music, solid acting by DeNiro, Pesci, and unbelievably Sharon Stone, and Casino is just good enough to crack the top five – kinda like The Luxor.

#4 – Bugsy

A lot of you probably don’t know this movie but it’s the extremely loosely-based true story of how Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel conceived Las Vegas and built The Flamingo in the 40s.

While driving back to L.A. from a Vegas casino that looks like the location of a bad horror movie starring Ryan Gosling, Bugsy gets into a fight with his feisty girlfriend Virginia Hill, whose nickname is Flamingo due to her celebrated fellatio capabilities. As legend has it, and how it is wonderfully shown in the movie, Bugsy angrily pulls his car over, storms out into the desert, stops, and as the sun is setting behind him, envisions today’s Las Vegas. His vision even includes Las Vegas overcharging patrons to ride the monorail.

In some interesting and amusing scenes, the movie shows Ben convincing his mobster friends to finance building the hotel, the construction problems of building a casino in the desert while also having no idea of actually how to build a casino, dealing with how everyone from Danny Gans to Lance Burton, thought The Flamingo was going to be a huge disaster, and eventually Ben’s downfall.

Say you found yourself in Africa having to describe Las Vegas to an indigenous tribesmen, you could do a lot worse than using this line from the movie, which may be its best line, “I have found the answer to the dreams of America … What do people always fantasize about? Sex, romance, money, adventure! I'm building a monument to all of them. I’m talking about a hotel, I'm talking about Las Vegas, Nevada. A place where gambling is allowed, where everything is allowed!”

If you don’t get goose bumps when the ending credits roll and you see how The Flamingo looks today and how much revenue it has generated, then you don’t deserve to go to Las Vegas. Although, after seeing this movie going into The Flamingo will never be the same and you’ll always be annoyed at the fact the only monument to Ben Siegel is a bar called, “Bugsy’s Bar”, and a small plaque located somewhere near a handicapped restroom and the keno room.

#3 – Vegas Vacation

This was by far the toughest movie to rank …

On one hand, the movie is titled Vegas Vacation so it should automatically get you in the mood to go to Vegas. On the other hand, everyone except for Clark Griswold bitches about going to Las Vegas.

On one hand, Nick Papageorgio from Yuma, Vegas’ experience is a classic Vegas tale complete with quotable lines and memorable scenes. On the other hand, Cousin Eddie is heavily involved in the plot.

On one hand, Audrey is ridiculously hot. On the other hand, the Hoover Dam scenes are more painful than overeating at The Excalibur buffet.

On one hand, you get to hear that catchy “Holiday Road” song in a scene with Billy Joel’s ex-wife. On the other hand, the deus ex machina ending features the Griswolds winning a game of keno.

On one hand, you get the hilarious sequence of alternate casino games such as Pick-A-Number, Heads Or Tails, Rock-Paper-Scissors, and Coin Toss. On the other hand, did I mention Cousin Eddie was in the movie? A lot.

On one hand, the movie takes place at The Mirage and Wayne Newton is a funny guy. On the other hand, the Siegfried and Roy scenes aren’t even accidentally entertaining and Clark’s gambling habits are only accidentally entertaining.

So I have no clue where all of that leaves us? Vegas Vacation is kinda like walking through Caesars’ Palace drunk at 3 a.m. – you are pretty sure in you’re in the right place, you are really confused if you are walking in the right direction, but at least you’re in Vegas.

#2 – Swingers

I debated whether a movie that is only in Vegas for about 20 minutes during the first act could qualify as the second best Vegas movie, and then I remembered two words that ended the debate: VEGAS, BABY! If you only had a half hour to get revved up about a Vegas trip, Swingers would be your Vince Lombardi. I mean, have you ever met one person who doesn’t love screaming Vegas, Baby! before or during a Vegas trip? Add in the infamous double-down scene, Mike and Trent debating how to get comp’d, Trent hitting-on Kristy the Cocktail Waitress, Mike bombing hitting-on an ugly restaurant waitress, then bombing hitting-on Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and the wonderfully painful “We’re not in Kansas anymore/ I’m a comedian” dialog, and then finally bombing at his chance to get laid by talking about his ex-girlfriend … Swingers is so money.

One of the little details I love about the Swingers-Vegas scenes is how Mike and Trent get invited back to Kristy the Cocktail Waitress’ place and it turns out she lives in a stainless-steel trailer! Classic. Stories like that is what makes Vegas great.

One of the little details I absolutely hate is after Mike gets killed on $100 blackjack table, they end up playing on a $5 table where an old lady inexplicably hits on 17 and gets a 4!?!? WTF?! Don’t encourage that annoying/stupid/frustrating/idiotic behavior by showing it in a freakin’ movie and rewarding the character with her winning her bet AND getting free breakfast!!!!!! Is that enough exclamation points? No. Here are a few more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jon Favreau should know better. On the other hand, this is the same guy who allegedly passed on writing the screenplay for Ocean’s 11 and starred in Something’s Gotta Give and Wimbledon, so maybe he doesn’t actually know better.

Anyway, on a warm and fuzzy note, how Trent stops making-out with Kristy the Cocktail Waitress to check on Mikey is what friendship and Vegas is all about.

#1 – Ocean’s 11

What do I think it’s going to take to explain why Ocean’s 11 is the number one Vegas movie? Well off the top of my head, I'd say I am looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever!

1. Accents

If singing aloud to “Mr. Brightside” is my favorite thing, quoting movies in foreign accents is in the top twenty. Imagine you are playing blackjack, the dealer is showing an ace, and you are down to your last bet and have a 16, you can use this pearl of wisdom from Basher, “We are in Barney … Barney Rubble … TROUBLE!”

Or, say you are in the same situation, you can break out some Lymon Zerga when the dealer asks you if you want insurance, “I don’t believe in weakness … I don’t believe in questions, either!”

2. Gambling Pointers

You can’t have three pairs! You can't have six cards! You can't have six cards in a five-card game!

Two words: All Red!

The house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.

(I hope I didn’t rush that last paragraph)

3. How To Order Drinks

I need a whiskey and a whiskey.

4. History Lessons

If you ever find yourself in The Bellagio or The Wynn art galleries, you can confidently turn to two tourists from Florida and tell them that Monet married his mistress and Maney had syphilis.

Also, Terry Benedicts’ line to Rusty, "If you should be picked-up buying a $100,000 sports car in Newport Beach, I'm going to be extremely disappointed," is in reference to the kidnapping of Steve Wynn's daughter. The kidnappers were caught trying to spend the ransom money in Newport Beach as they attempted to buy a very expensive car in cash. They were apprehended.

5. Ocean’s 11 Stay At The Bellagio

Casino takes places at the fictional Tangiers, which is based off of the Stardust, but filmed in The Riviera. The Riviera and the Stardust are like the Filet-o-Fish and Ruzna of Las Vegas.

Swingers takes place at the Stardust (one of the few mistakes the characters made – they passed-up Treasure Island {before it was TI} and Caesar’s Palace before settling on the Stardust)

Go takes place at The Rivera … fast-food fish sandwich anyone?

Honeymoon In Indecent Proposal takes place at Bally’s and the Las Vegas Hilton.

Thank God Terry Benedict didn’t own Casino Royale, Aladdin, and the Barbary Coast.

6. Gives Props To The Godfather

Casey Affleck and Scott Caan’s characters are named Virgil and Turk. In The Godfather, one of the bad guys is a fella named Virgil “The Turk” Sollozzo. Oh, and Scott Caan’s dad is none other than James Caan, who played Sonny.

7. Contains Actors From Vegas Vacation and Bugsy

Elliot Gould plays the colorful Rueben Tishkoff in Ocean’s 11 and the dim-witted Harry Greenberg in Bugsy. Jerry Weintraub plays Jilly from Philly in Vegas Vacation and the gambler who warns Saul/Lymon about getting in debt to Terry Benedict.

Since I have nothing else really to say, I’d like to add that both actors have really bad chest hair.

8. Gives Tips On How To Pick-Up Women In Vegas

If you look down, she knows you're lying, and up, she knows you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make her laugh. She's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left her hotel room. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances...

9. Gives You A Way To Measure Distance In Vegas

The line to get into Rum Jungle is longer than my … well, it’s long.

How far of a walk is it from The Forum Shops to my hotel room in Caesar’s? It’s longer than my … well, it’s long.

How long do I have to wait to get Toni Braxton tickets at The Flamingo? It’s shorter than me after I get out of a cold pool … well, it’s short.

10. Not The Typical Vegas Movie

From a pure-Vegas standpoint, this isn’t a typical Vegas film. Not a lot of gambling. Very little drinking. No one hooks up with a bridesmaid or bridesmaids. No zany or wacky adventures. Just 11 guys who decide to rob a casino because they are bored and the guy who owns the casino is a prick and is dating one of the guy’s ex-wife. But this movie wouldn’t work if Vegas wasn’t the backdrop. For proof of this, watch the second and third acts of Ocean’s 12.

You need all the cash that engulfs Vegas. You need the random celebrities, the over-the-top events (like the boxing match in the film). You need the billon dollar hotels towering over the characters. You need all the greed, glitz and glamour that only Las Vegas can produce. And all of those things are why Ocean’s 11 is the best Vegas movie, despite not having one character blow his life savings on the craps table.

Ten oughta do it, don't you think? You think we need one more? You think we need one more. All right, I’ll do one more.

11. Friendship

The spirit of Ocean’s 11 is what going to Vegas with your friends is all about Sure you’re probably not going to stay in the penthouse at The Bellagio, steal a “pinch”, rob three casinos, and violate your parole.

But, you are going to break your friends’ balls like Virgil and Turk do to each other. You are going to get mocked and offered unsolicited advice by a fellow gambler, like the way Saul/Lymon does. You are going to sincerely say “thanks” to your best friend like the way Danny does to Rusty after they talk about Tess. You are going to say “that’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen” while a dealer pays you after a successful double-down. And you are going to stand in front of the Bellagio fountains at one point during your trip and marvel at where you are and what you’ve accomplished. You are going to have the time of your life – whether you are with one friend or 11.

The Best Vegas Movies, Part I

2007-08-13T22:58:00.000-06:00

NOT EVEN IN CONSIDERATION

Fools Rush In

A few basic things you don’t ever want to have happen in a Vegas movie:

1. The main character bitching about going to Vegas.
2. The main character impregnating a girl during a one-night stand.
3. The main character having to marry a casino cocktail waitress because she’s pregnant.
4. The two main characters’ parents meeting.
5. The climax of the movie occurring at the Hoover Dam.

Ugh.

GOOD BUT TOO DAMN DEPRESSING

Leaving Las Vegas

There is a lot to like about this movie: the title of the hotel where Nic Cage stays at (clue: it’s the name of this blog), the music, the humor in first 45 minutes, Elizabeth Shue’s breasts, and the combined sadness of Nic Cage’s and Elizabeth Shue’s characters. But, the movie is ridiculously melancholy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing except you want a Vegas movie to get you pumped up about being part of the atmosphere that is Las Vegas. Unfortunately, Leaving Las Vegas makes you want to watch Schindler’s List and United 93 just to cheer up.

TWO REASONS WHY YOU DON’T BRING YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND TO LAS VEGAS

Honeymoon in Vegas/Indecent Proposal

These movies came out within a year of each other (’92 and ’93 respectively) and pretty much feature the exact same plot and moral of the story – we call this Deep Impact/Armageddon Syndrome … which doesn’t make sense since Deep Impact and Armageddon came out after Honeymoon in Vegas and Indecent Proposal … so maybe it should be called Honeymoon in Vegas/Indecent Proposal Syndrome … Anyway, I’m rambling. Point is, don’t use your woman as collateral.

I’LL GET BACK WITH YOU ON THIS ONE

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I was going to write a review about Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but then I got high. I was going to see if it was a good Vegas movie that inspires me to embark on a series of fulfilling adventures, but then I got high. I was going to see if it made me want to see a Cirque Du Soleil show, but then I got high. Then I got high. Then I got high.

Bum and bum, bum, bum, bump.

DON’T EVEN THINK IT

Rain Man

It’s fundamentally wrong for Dustin Hoffman to be a leading man in a good Vegas movie. It’s a philosophical conflict of interest. Those two things just don’t go together. Sort of like Chris O'Donnell and convincing acting. Maybe if it was Christopher Walken counting cards, hitting on hookers, and learning how to dance at Caesar’s Palace, I’d feel differently, but it’s not, it’s Dustin Hoffman. You just can’t get past it – kinda like walking behind a fat person through a row of slot machines. Only Richard Dreyfuss could have hurt the Vegas-cred more than Dustin Hoffman.

CLOSE, BUT NOT ENOUGH

Go

As they said in the movie after their Vegas trip, “Just so we're clear, you stole a car, shot a bouncer, and had sex with two women?” Seems like some good ingredients for a Vegas movie, right? Unfortunately, the main characters also get food poisoning from eating shrimp at a buffet, almost burn down a hotel – hence ruining the aforementioned threesome, and stay at The Rivera. Ouch. But this is a really fun movie and if they just had a few more classic scenes and/or lines (like Swingers) I would have no problem putting them into the top five even though most of the movie takes place outside of Las Vegas.

Review of: Stardust

2007-08-13T22:39:00.000-06:00

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Tristan is the local loser who has a crush on the town hottie. In order to prove his worthiness and love for the hot chick, he sets off to find the remains of a shooting star and bring them back to the shallow, attractive girl. Along the way, Tristan encounters witches and princes and spells and black magic and talking animals and pirates and most importantly, the shooting star – who actually is Claire Danes.

Noteworthy Moment From Before The Movie Started:

Sitting in the theatre, my friend Nicole and I realize we have NO idea what this movie is about. I suggest that since it’s called Stardust, it’s about a recently failed Las Vegas casino whose best qualities were its location, Wayne Newton, and Tony Roma Ribs.

As the theatre begins to fill-up, we realize that the moviegoers look they just came from the early-bird special at Furrs Cafeteria and will probably hitting Marie Callenders afterwards for some pie. So we decide to play a game – guess what movie we were seeing just based on who is sitting in the theatre. Here is what we came up with: Driving Miss Daisy, Again. The Golden Girls Movie: The Nursing Home Years. Cocoon III: The Chrysalis Stage.

Quote of the Movie:

“I am a princess tricked into being a witch’s slave – will you liberate me?”

- Una

(She was totally talking in code! Nine months later she unexpectedly had a little man! I really enjoyed that line.

I want a girl out there to use that quote at a bar next weekend and see if they can get “liberated” too … just be a little more careful than Una though, please.)

Pleasant Surprise:

After Claire Danes got laid, since she is a star, she literally radiated and glowed after sex. Claire had to take the weirdest Walk of Shame in the history of Walks of Shame. Bad enough you’re wearing the same clothes, but you’re also emitting enough light to light-up the top of The Luxor.

“No, no … Tristan I just kissed a few times and snuggled … I swear, that’s all we did! I am not glowing! You are imagining things!”

Nit-picking:

Two things kinda bothered me:

1) The geography in the movie was inconsistent. For the protagonists, it took them considerably more time to travel a leg of their journey than it did for the antagonist. It’d take Tristan and Claire Danes days to cover a stretch of land that the evil-doers could knockout in 20 minutes. There is a sequence where Tristan and Claire hitch a ride on a balloon and they are on the balloon for such a long that they learn how to dance and swordfight. The bad guys play one game of solitaire and they are there.

2) In movies like Stardust, the “rules” or lore of the fairytale lands are sometimes too weird and random. For instance, we learn that: There are flowers that prevent spells from turning you into woodland creatures. Stars can’t shine with a broken heart. Babylon candles are hard to come by. Getting a star’s heart keeps you young. Sacrificing animals gives your own GPS. And certain jewelry can give you eternal life. Whatever.

I bring this up because characters can find loopholes to rules or new rules or amendments to old rules at key points in the film and we can’t really question their validity to the story. This would be like watching Forrest Gump and instead of Jenny dying of AIDS, out of nowhere Forrest burns his ping-pong paddle, sings Elvis’ “You’re The Devil Disguise,” and pours Dr. Pepper over Jenny’s drug tread marks and reproductive organs, and suddenly she was healed. How does that work?

What I Learned:

The writers of the film are huge Star Wars fans. During the climax of the film, we have an evil character who is shriveled-up and disfigured, who can also shoot lightening bolts. We have a good character fighting an evil character with a sword. We have a whole host of evil, taunting laughs. We have a character that can throw, move, and break things just by using the forc … casting a spell. And, we have a parent who is looking for redemption and who can help the good guy defeat the bad person.

Return of the Jedi anyone?

Cards on the Table Time (in conclusion):

Stardust doesn’t cover any new ground. You got the classic tale of the dork, trying to win the heart of a beauty, only to find someone who loves him for him, and all the while battling corrupt evil figures, and meeting some unexpected friends along the way.

Despite all of that, I really didn’t mind the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t be buying the DVD, but I found myself rooting for the fun and innocent Tristan. He was a likeable guy and there was enough chemistry with Claire Danes to make the love story worthwhile. The set design is so good that it will make you want to visit Fantasyland in DisneyWorld and the peanut gallery ghosts will make you want to ride The Haunted Mansion. At least three times you’ll be thanking God that the producers casted Claire Danes instead of Gwyneth Paltrow (who would have killed the movie). Michelle Pfeiffer plays the bad guy just well enough that you don’t like her. Either that or you may not actually like Michelle Pfeiffer – which is a possibility. Oh, and DeNiro pops-up a gay pirate. Enough said.

There is some pretty funny adult humor in Stardust and the morals of the story, while they won’t change your life, are good enough to keep the females in the crowd happy. They avoid using too many special effects that would have made the movie look like a George Lucas flick and the karma inflicted on those who hurt animals will have you making Michael Vick jokes during the ending credits. So if you are meeting your parents for an early dinner at the Olive Garden, suggest Stardust, it’s a lot better than watching Golden Girls reruns at home or playing bingo at The Stardust.

Review of: I Know Who Killed Me

2007-08-13T21:25:00.000-06:00

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Aubrey (Lindsay Lohan) is a typical promising college student who dazzles her classmates with tales of mystery and suspense. She has a token sexually frustrated boyfriend, successful and still married parents, and has recently decided to give up the piano to focus on her writing, despite winning numerous musical awards in years past. Aubrey gets abducted by a local serial killer, manages to escape, but when she is found and awakes in the hospital, she claims she is not the Aubrey everyone says she is.

Noteworthy Moment From Before The Movie Started:

We were treated to a preview of the most recent installment of Resident Evil, cleverly title Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Per the preview, the fate of the world is supposedly going to be decided on the post-apocalyptic Las Vegas Strip – more specifically, in front of The Venetian.

I was traumatized. Still am.

I was not prepared to see The Strip in a destroyed condition. I would have been fine if all of this action took place in front of the Imperial Palace, but the producers should have left the rest of The Strip out of it. Watching this crappy movie’s characters fight it out at The Venetian, with The Mirage in background, and overhead shots of MGM Grand and New York/New York spliced in-between action scenes, was haunting. And not in a Silence of the Lambs, good way. Destroy Los Angeles as much as you want, but leave Las Vegas A-LONE!

Subjecting me to the Resident Evil: Apocalypse preview was like making one of the Kennedys watch the Zapruder film.

Pleasant Surprise:

Two actors from the 90s made unintentionally hilarious resurgent appearances in I Know Who Killed Me: Julia Ormond from Legends of the Fall, First Knight, and Sabrina. And Mr. Bigglesworth from the Austin Powers Trilogy. I couldn’t decide who has aged better.

In case you are wondering, there is no love triangle involving Julia – a first for her career. And in another career first, no one dies who is courting Julia, either. Congrats on the achievements!

Quote Of The Movie:

“People get cut, that’s life.”

- Jerrod Pointer, Aubrey’s boyfriend

(Good luck figuring out if he was talking literally or metaphorically.)

Nit-Picking:

You get beaten over the head with the color blue throughout the entire movie. I’m all for setting moods and using symbolism, but saturating the film with blue isn’t exactly like the red roses from American Beauty. Instead the movie looks like the Cookie Monster threw-up all over the reel and was the movie’s Set Designer and Lighting Director.

What I Learned:

When you have an artificial leg, don’t forget to plug it in at night before you go to sleep, that way it will be fully charged by morning. And when you have a bionic arm, be careful giving handshakes or handjo … keeping your sexually frustrated boyfriend at bay.

Originally I Know Who Killed Me was going to be called Please Don’t Drive Me Home Lindsay, You Smell Like Vodka. (Thank you! Thank you! You are a beautiful audience! I’ll be here all week!)

I bet you all can guess what the sequel to this movie would be called … I STILL Know Who Killed Me. (Thank you! Really, you are too kind. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Cards on the Table Time (in conclusion):

I think the only people who could say they liked this movie would be MADD. And only during and after the torture scenes when Lindsay gets her hand and leg removed, thus rendering her unable to operate a vehicle or hold two drinks at once. The entire cast spent two weeks at the Geena Davis School of Acting hosted by Catherine Zeta-Jones. Everyone sucked in this movie. Even the non-speaking extras sucked. The special effects when they weren’t making you laugh because they are so cheesy, were making you squirm because they are so unnecessarily gross. And the story was about as well thought out as the Iraq war and as predictable as the Titanic hitting the iceberg in Titanic.

If someone would have told me after Mean Girls that Lindsay Lohan would be a stripper in an upcoming movie, I would have been on Youtube 24/7 trying to find bootlegged footage of the dailies. Tragically, Lindsay looked gross as a stripper. She wasn’t even mildly cute … of course it doesn’t help when your skin has redhead complexion and you dye your hair black and do so much coke you that look like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.

Anyone who says that sex sells should watch this movie not long after watching Showgirls and Striptease. One of my movie pet-peeves is when people say all Hollywood makes are movies that show violence and T&A. Hollywood makes movies that make money. And frankly, movies like this and all the other films that rely on purely on sex appeal and random violence, instead of story and strong characters, bomb worse Planet Hollywood: Tulsa.

Since I don’t want to be all negative, I’ll say that the premise was just good enough to be placed in the Gangs of the New York Memorial Wing of the Bad Movies Museum. Good idea, bad execution. I saw an entertaining preview for this movie a few weeks ago and said to my best friend Ryan, “I’d feel a lot better about that movie if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t in it.” And as Al Pacino said in The Devil’s Advocate, “it’s fun to be right.”

Single Sentences From A Weekend Spent Traveling And In Las Vegas

2006-10-11T16:56:00.000-06:00

Why does airport seating (those benches near the gate) always include immovable stainless steel armrest making it impossible to lie down or get comfortable?

I was once told by a flight attendant that the airplane smell we are all familiar with is a combination of coffee and body odor.

Sharing an armrest with a stranger is fine up until the point I can feel his arm hair touching mine.

Attention all men, the price of your ticket does not included hitting on the woman sitting next to you unabated for the entire flight … this is a mode of transportation, not an episode of Two-Hour Dating.

Am I the only guy who prefers peeing into a little kid’s urinal instead of the grown-up one? (In case you’re wondering, I like the angles better)

There are certain things in life I’ll never understand, like: the appeal of Nancy Grace, why a non-farmer enrolls at Kansas State University, how professional soccer stays in business in the US, and why the walk left/stand right concept so hard for adults to master?

How long do you think it will be before we will be able to pay extra to have our luggage be the first off the plane?

I’m really glad I’ve never had a reason to be in the McCarran Airport parking garage.

Casinos really need to stop dressing the front of their buildings in advertisements – you didn’t spend a couple hundred million dollars on a beautiful façade, only to drape it with a giant, cheesy picture of Toni Braxton, did you?

This never ceases to amaze me, but it cost more money to build The Wynn than it will to rebuild the World Trade Center.

Have we ever properly figured out why Penn of Penn & Teller is so sweaty, hairy, always yelling and still employed?

What jury decides who is the World’s Best Magician, Vegas’ Best Magician, Vegas’ Funniest Comedian, Funniest Show on the Strip, Greatest Show Starting After 10 But Ending Before Midnight, Best Comedic Magician South of Caesar’s Palace, Funniest Dressed Comedian Posing as a Magician? – Seriously, every performer has one some sort of diluted award to their credit, makes me wonder if that type of advertising even works.

When I go out on a date, how a girl answers this question very much determines whether she and I will have a future: When you get to Vegas at 8:30 a.m., do you stay-up or do you go to the hotel room and rest-up for the day?

On a related note, ordering a free beer at 9:15 a.m. is just a great feeling that never gets old – and that’s not the least bit depressing.

One of my favorite couples in Vegas is the one where the husband looks like he can’t believe he ever thought it was a good idea to invite his wife to Sin City, while the wife looks like she can’t believe what her husband has spent the entire time doing and what he suggested they do last night.

What do you think sucks more: Excalibur, Louie Anderson performing at the Excalibur, or Thunder From Down Under showing every night at the Excalibur? Trick question! They all suck equally.

Tony Bennett is still alive?

In memorial to the binge drinking that took place last night, please stand as my liver performs “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey.

Never gamble with a man who sports a handlebar mustache.

If you find the missing Carrot Top and how ridiculously-buff-Carrot-Top-is joke, will you please call 800-857-2147. Thank you.

Visiting the stalls at The Mirage, I couldn’t happen but notice that they have ash trays next to the toilet … you really gotta be addicted to something to do it while you’re sh*ting … I mean, how many other addictions cater to you while you’re dropping a deuce?

The best running joke in the drinking/bar/club world is that Red Bull cost more than Jagermeister, yet bartenders continually screw themselves by “watering” down my drink with Red Bull.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of ass-backwards is hitting when the dealer is showing a 6 and you have 16, and standing when the dealer is showing a 10 and you have a 16.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of annoying is playing blackjack with someone whose reasoning is ass-backwards.

Ryan won so many $100 chips at the Barbary Coast that the cashier had to ask him what game he was playing and then call someone to verify his winnings … AWESOME! … That’s like a girl taking a picture of you after she has seen you naked so she can prove your manliness to her girlfriends later on… um, right?

What the heck is the “Greg” show? Who the hell is Greg Behrendt? And why is he dressed like the Phantom of the Opera?

As Ryan and I are watching television, he puts $75 down that Terrell Owens will be the next news story we see on CNN – I take the $100 parlay of Anna Nicole Smith’s marital status, Anna Nicole Smith’s reproductive habits and Anna Nicole Smith’s dependant children.

Dang it, we were on ESPN – Ryan wins.

(In case you can’t tell I am channel surfing) In Legends of the Fall, is Julia Ormond’s character a slut or a victim of circumstance?

Not to sound like an English composition professor, but a flight cannot be “very full” – either it’s full or it’s not.

Until airlines start calling the boarding process “planing,” I don’t want them to call the exiting/disembarking process deplaning.

Missing in Action

2006-09-29T12:02:00.000-06:00

Since I haven’t written in 419 months, I thought I would blog about all the emails I have received during my hiatus. Here is a small pu-pu platter of those emails …

Where the *uck have you been, Bill? I was forced to read poetry because you weren’t blogging, you selfish SOB!

I wish I could say I have been really busy at work and that the computer at the place I live doesn’t operate anymore – but I don’t want to lie to you. The truth is that I witnessed a murder and was forced to go into the witness protection program until I testify. Sadly, I had to testify in Hawaii and on the plane ride to Honolulu someone let hundreds of snakes free on the plane. And just when the situation looked doomed and I’d never blog again, I turned to the pilot and said, “ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I have had it with these mother *ucking snakes on this mother *ucking plane!”

Luckily, everything turned out fine and I was able to testify. I am now free of my obligations to American jurisprudence and ready to write. Let’s answer some more questions!

Bill, given the choice, where would you rather train, at Superman’s Fortress of Solitude or Yoda’s place on Degobah?”

- Since I am currently house-hunting, lets start out with location, location, location.

The Fortress of Solitude (FOS) is located near the North Pole and is a replica of the planet Krypton. Unfortunately, Krypton is made entirely of giant slabs of ice and looks like it could host the opening ceremonies for the next Winter Olympics. Degobah, on the other hand is a swamp, and unless you root for the Florida Gators or are a redneck, or both, that probably doesn’t appeal to you, either. Hmmmm. Lets go to the tiebreaker.

Superman scored with Lois Lane at the FOS in Superman II and Luke never, ever got laid - even with the ability to use Jedi mind tricks, on Degobah or anywhere else for that matter.

Winner: Fortress of Solitude

- Teachers

At the FOS you get hours and hours of crystal-DVD footage of Superman’s dad, Jor-El, who teaches you pretty much everything there is to know about the universe. The actor who plays Jor-El is none other than The Godfather himself, Marlon Brando. So not only do you get all the knowledge you’ll ever need, you get to learn it from the Super-Godfather. Can you imagine him saying “And if by chance an honest superhero like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies -- Then Lex Luther will fear you.” Good god. What a combination!

Then there is Yoda - the wisest of all the Jedi, who will have you picking up rocks and doing random gymnastics before you know it. Yoda can see the future, sense your fear, make you stronger with the force, and isn’t afraid to chew your ass or smack you with his wooden cane when you get out of line.

Again, this is a close one. As much as I like watching movies, I don’t want to spend day after day getting lectured by Jor-El, even if he is the Super-Godfather (I feel like I am going to get a horse head in my bed just saying that). Yoda can give me the type of on-the-job, personal one-on-one training I need. And he leads by example, only trains the best, and frankly I like the tough love from the little fella – gotta respect that.

Winner: Degobah

- Food

Since I can’t fly and neither can you, getting a solid meal at the FOS would be somewhat of pain – kinda like staying at The Stratosphere in Vegas. I would assume there is a full assortment of polar bears, penguins, and seals for you eat nearby, but they probably aren’t readily available.

Yoda on the other hand seems to enjoy and take pride in his cooking - even if it does taste like leftover Arby’s. Whose knows what kind of Fear Factor-like ingredients he is using though, considering he is surrounded by snakes, lizards, bats and giant sea creatures – like the one that tried to eat R2-D2.

Since I can’t cook and haven’t killed a polar animal since my Junior Homecoming, and Yoda’s warm cooking sounds good after a long day of searching and reaching out with my feelings …

Winner: Degobah, but not because of menu

- Amenities

Degobah features that cool cave that is strong with the dark side of the force and can show you, in pretty specific detail, your greatest fears. What’s in the cave is only what you bring with you. Sweet. Degobah also has Yoda’s house that looks like he could share with the Keebler Elves if they ever get evicted from their tree.

The FOS has the newest flat-ice-screen TV technology Krypton has to offer, plus an awesome chamber that can take away your powers in the event your overbearing and unsympathetic girlfriend tells you that you need to make some changes in your life.

Okay, so how many times can you really walk through that cave on Degobah that is strong with the dark side? I mean really. Wouldn’t it get like riding the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World too many times and eventually you would start to take it for granted? The FOS has a pretty comfy bed (you could even chisel your accomplishments into the ice instead of a bedpost), is relatively modern, offers you a place you can show off to dates, has a giant TV, is built for people taller than six feet, and doesn’t have snakes slithering around.

Verdict: Fortress of Solitude

So overall where would I rather live and train? I’d have to say the Fortress of Solitude. There are safety concerns I need to think of, too. I am much more likely to be bitten by a snake on Degobah, than I am to develop frostbite or accidentally slip and fall off of something at the FOS. Plus, the combination of the Super-Godfather DVDs, the success Superman has had with women there, and the cathedral-like architecture of the fortress is just too much for Yoda and his swamp to overcome.

Winner: Fortress of Solitude

Bill, what was the funniest thing the announcers said during the surprisingly inspiring New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons Monday Night Football game?

“He must have seen something that made him want to pull it out of his pants.”

- Joe Theismann, regarding the referee throwing a flag for pass interference.

Bill, after how many months of dating is okay to start farting in front of the other person?

First I assume you want to keep dating the person, right?

So operating under that assumption, I think you have to evaluate this based on two sets of criteria. One, is the man farting or the woman? Two, is it an audible fart or a silent one?

I think regardless of gender, start off slow. See if you can slip in a couple of silent ones early on in the relationship while in a safe environment, i.e. – large crowd, walks on a windy day, low risk stuff like that. You might be a suspect but you’ll always have plausible deniability.

Call me cautious, but I wouldn’t upgrade into more risky locations: like in the car during a road trip, watching TV or while lying in bed, until you’ve exchanged I love you’s and actually meant it. And even then you should probably wait 6-8 months. There is just too much at risk. You don’t want to lose someone special or guarantee the object your affection will never be attracted to you again because you ate too much Taco Johns when you stopped to get gas (pun intended) in Goodland, Kansas.

Unfortunately for women, silent farts are really as far as you should ever go regardless of how long you’ve been dating. We guys don’t ever want to hear you fart. Even though we understand that you are built with much of the same plumbing we are, frankly we don’t want to hear our woman dropping bombs like Israel fighting Hezbollah, at any stage in the relationship. It ruins your princess image. Totally a double standard, so deal with it.

Men, I probably wouldn’t let a good audible fart go in front of the women until you have a good mental hold on her. You’ll know when that time is. I don’t need to tell you.

Now, who’s hungry for sushi?!?!

With the one year anniversary of the Kansas Jayhawks absolutely killing the Nebraska Cornhuskers coming up this Saturday night, what are your thoughts on KU football this year?

Let me start out by saying that Ryan and I set the United States record for the most random 40-15 (the final score of the game) jokes said to Nebraska fans. Wherever we went and saw someone with an N on their apparel, they were immediately subjected to a healthy dose of jabs, barbs, mocking and sarcasm – sometimes under our breath, often times more audible. It didn’t matter if we saw the N in a restaurant, at a casino, on a plane, at a funeral, or mocked a single mother, a small child, a war veteran, or a disabled farmer, our jokes were relentless - and I’ll tell you, it felt great.

My prediction for this year’s game: Kansas 16, Nebraska 13. Not as snappy as 40-15, but it will do.

Is there a worse song than John Mayer’s “Daughters”?

Probably. But I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

I hate that overly breathy voice singing, “brothers be good to your sisters, because sisters become daughters, who turn into mothers, who become cousins, and turn into bosses, who become ex-wives, and become crossing guards, and turn into chefs on the Food Network.”

The only thing that could make that song worse is if Rod Stewart was singing back-up vocals.

If Best Buy released a “Best of” DVD 4-pack of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Josh Hartnett, and you had to buy one, which one would you purchase?

This is like asking would I rather tear my groin or get kicked in the balls. But since I have to choose …

Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar has on his resume:

- I Know What You Did Last Summer … And a sequel that makes a Family Matters reunion show seem like a good idea.

- She’s All That … Not the girl with ponytail, glasses and paint-covered overalls! Ewww.

- Summer Catch … Where he took being whipped to a whole new level, when he left a baseball game in which he was pitching a freakin’ NO HITTER in the 9th inning, for a girl.

- Scooby Doo … Pretty much ruined every Scooby Doo cartoon I ever watched as a kid and made Fred look like a giant wuss.

Josh Hartnett and his always visible neck mole have made:

- Pearl Harbor … Lets take one of the most historic naval battles of all time and put Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck in the Air Force – seems like a great idea!

- O … It’s hard to believe a cast that featured Josh Hartnett, Julia Stiles and Mekhi Phifer made a bad movie. What’s next, Russell Crowe is going to star in a period piece movie? Unbelievable.

- 40 Days and 40 Nights … This is one of those movies I wish they would remake because I really like the idea; they just did a poor job of executing the film – kinda like Gangs of New York.

- Wicker Park … Did you know its original title was going to be “Answer Your Cell Phone or Leave a Voicemail!”

So I guess if I had to choose, I pick Josh Hartnett and tearing my groin. Maybe tearing my groin would hurt more than getting kicked in balls and watching Freddie, but at least I wouldn’t look like a pansy doing it.

Random Brainstorming Rambling Thoughts

2006-06-28T18:27:00.000-06:00

Anyone who has ever written anything: a short story, a poem, a blog, a grocery list, has written something along the lines of “random thoughts.” They may call it different names, like: ramblings, incoherent babble, brainstorming, or whatever, but they all have written some derivation of random commentary on life. As a writer, you can’t escape not writing it, it’s impossible. So, here is my contribution to the genre. My random thoughts on this day …

- In every Vince Vaughn movie there has to be at least one scene of him talking trash while playing a video game.

- Why won’t Wendy’s let you get your own refills?

- Speaking of fast-food, here’s a fun fact … I was reading on the In-n-Out Burgers Web site that their name originally was going to be: In-wait-wait-still wait-read the Bible verse at the bottom of your drink cup-wait-keeping waiting-n-Out Burgers, but that wouldn’t fit on their sign and most marking material, so they shorten it to, In-n-Out Burgers – isn’t that fascinating?

- Wearing sunglasses while playing poker is performance enhancing – no different than Barry Bonds taking steroids.

- Anyone planning on taking a Vegas trip should boycott the casino formerly known as Treasure Island. Madonna did a better job covering “American Pie” than MGM (Treasure Island’s owners) has done with “TI.” Whoever was responsible for replacing the sign, changing the name to TI, taking away the pirate battle and replacing it with “Sirens,” and making the inside as appealing as a Hays, Kansas martini bar, should be banished to hand-cleaning the Statue of David at Caesar’s Palace until they retire.

- On the road, is there any place truckers aren’t welcome?

- If NBA players are supposedly the best athletes in the world, why do they constantly travel? It’d be like me claiming to be the best writer in the world, yet having basic grammar mistakes in my writing. Don’t they teach you not to travel with the basketball in like 2nd grade? Or maybe it’s 3rd? Regardless, I’d have a lot more respect for their abilities if they didn’t take three and four steps every time they drive to the basket.

- Isn’t it fun how angry people from Illinois get when you pronounce the S in Illinois.

- In case you’re wondering, yes it is possible to overdose on Dots and still feel them in your stomach three days later.

- I really don’t like it when stores, like American Eagle for instance, ask you who or what you’re shopping for. It just rubs me the wrong way. I’m pretty sure this trend won’t stop at who I am shopping for either. Eventually they going to start asking me how long my inseam is? Or if I was hugged enough as a child? Or if I cried in Field of Dreams. Too intrusive for me.

- Speaking of too intrusive, please stop asking me who my cell phone carrier is when I walk by. You know who you are. Stop it!

- How cool would it be to have an alarm clock that plays “I Got You Babe” every morning?

- Since HBO is in the process showing Episode III: Revenge of the Sith every hour on the hour, I can’t help but feel embarrassed for the way George Lucas butchered Return of the Jedi and the most recent three films. I grew up on Star Wars and it really bothers me what he did to the franchise. Michael Jordan’s time on the Washington Wizard had more success than Lucas controlling his last four Star Wars projects. You take away the scene with Darth Vadar getting strapped into his Darth Vadar ensemble and one conversation between The Emperor and Anakin Skywalker while watching Cirque Du Soilel in Episode III, and all three movies were basically terrible. As Sonny said in A Bronx Tale, “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.”

- Speaking of HBO, I want fans of Entourage to answer this question … Who would you rather sleep with, Turtle or Johnny Drama? Please consider both looks and personality.

- So, who did you have in your World Cup bracket, Angola or Serbia?

- Travelers beware! At Embassy Suites, in addition to the inflated room service prices ($22 for a shrimp cocktail, $104 and a credit check for a New York Steak, $17 for a side of ketchup), they charge an extra 15% service fee PLUS a $5 dollar clean-up fee. Who do they think they are, the oil companies? Unless you want to reenact certain scenes from Deliverance, I’d recommend not getting room service at an Embassy Suites. But it begs the question, what in the name of Clark W. Griswold does the already increased prices NOT cover that the extra 15% and extra $5 pay for??? (Yes, that was an appropriate time to use multiple question marks.)

- If you’re looking for any holiday gift ideas on Amazon this year, be sure to look up my first two published books, “Blackjack for Rednecks - Why You Don’t Hit on 16 When the Dealer is Showing a 6” and the follow-up book, “Just Because It’s a $5 Table, It’s Still Not Okay To Make Dumb Decisions.”

- The “Un-break My Heart” identify theft commercial may be the most annoying commercial of all-time. I am pretty sure I could break down anyone mentally just by replaying that commercial over and over and over again. I’d bet you I could make John McCain cry like David Hasselhoff at the American Idol finale, just by playing that commercial.

- Here’s a phrase you’ll never hear a guy say to another guy, “Lets spend the day together.”

- For as much doom-n-gloom we read in the paper each day: Iraq, immigration, the pending apocalypse, Brittany Spear’s reproductive habits, it’s refreshing for Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to show us that while money is great, there is only so much you can have, and there are far more valuable things than “dynastic wealth.” Warren Buffet’s philanthropic donation is the equivalent of giving $6 to every person on Earth. Amazing. Thanks Bill and Warren for the billion reminders on what’s truly important.

Fresh Meat

2006-06-12T18:34:00.000-06:00

Before we get started, I need to say congratulations and to my friend and former boss, Rubi Nicholas, who won Nick at Nite’s American’s Funniest Mom competition. Despite never, ever doing stand-up before, Rubi shocked the world to become the funniest female in suburbia. Who would have thought? Rubi won a substantial monetary prize and will now develop her own comedy series. Very cool. Good job, Rubi!

Now, in honor of the Real World: Denver, appropriately currently filming in Denver right now, this post will be dedicated those obliviously funny individuals on the new Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat Challenge, presently being shown on MTV.

Here are some actual quotes from the real, everyday people on the show …

“This is our job. You don’t see me coming down to your job at Starbucks trying to out-latte you.”

- Theo (In response to “veteran” Real World and Road Rules cast members competing against “fresh meat” who have no MTV experience.)

Yikes. On the “You are at 14:53 on the 15 Minutes of Fame” Clock, is appearing on The Surreal Life, Hollywood Squares, Dancing with the Stars or claiming competing on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is your job, more tragically pathetic?

Part of me thinks (or hopes, I haven’t decided yet), that Theo is kidding. On the other hand, that would require a certain amount of life perspective, which to say these people lack perspective, would be like saying Jennifer Aniston’s movie career thus far is just disappointing. It’s a huge understatement.

One other note, how does Theo’s logic work anyway: Previously appearing on a reality TV program makes you more qualified to appear on another reality TV program? Does that mean you more experienced in being real? I’m confused.

“He outran a black dude!”

- Coral (Blissfully summarizing how talented her “fresh meat” teammate, Evan – a white guy, is.)

And Evan has never been on MTV before either - amazing!

This is the part of the post where I am tempted to write 1,000 words about sports and race; but I just had back-to-back articles on religion and The DaVinci Code and I’m tired of writing about serious stuff – lets stay on the shallow side of the pool, shall we?

“Hi, my name is Aviv.”

If you were competing against her, would you strive to find situations in which you could redundantly and annoyingly say, “Go tell Aviv … “ to the point she’d go crazy, start crying, confront you, accuse you of being “disrespectful,” only for you to make the joke one more time, and accuse her of having an eating disorder, which then causes her to abruptly leave the show and appear on Larry King claiming you hate the state of Israel?

Me neither, just asking. She seems like a nice person.

“Hi, my name is Diem.”

Carpe! Seize the … oh wait, just found out that Diem has ovarian cancer. She just emotionally described how she wants to give it her all physically on the show because she doesn’t know when she’ll get to physical again; due to her upcoming chemotherapy treatments.

Ouch. I feel bad. I am now going to dodge lightening bolts for making fun of a cancer victim. Excuse me.

“Hi, I’m your host, T.J. Lavin.”

I don’t get this guy. He’s not funny, he looks bored and makes Ben Stein seem like Samuel L. Jackson.

For entertainment’s sake, why doesn’t MTV hire Wink Martindale, Chuck Woolery, Pat Sajak or Alex Trebeck to host these shows? At least then they could use words like “sequester” and chuckle like a game show host while all the cast members try to figure out what sequester means. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Pat Sajak awkwardly flirt with Tonya or have Chuck Woolery interview an angry Wes as he tries to prevent him from berating Casey

“We got a clue!”

My favorite moment of every Real World/Road Rules Challenge is when they get a text message describing the next event, and someone always excitedly screams “We got a clue!”

And then five minutes later you watch Evan staple Danny’s name into his ass. Yep, they have a clue.

“You have to know where I am coming from.”
“I’m the type of person … “
“I’m don’t like you disrespecting me.”

These are the three borderline clichéd phrases you will hear at least once on every reality show, that drive me crazier than Charlize Theron at the end of Devil’s Advocate.

Ask yourself, when was the last time you told someone in your life to know where you’re coming from? Or imagine being at work, discussing a raise with your boss and saying, “Chris, if you knew were I was coming from, you’d give me more money.” Or “I guess I am the type of person who wants to get paid more.” Or how about if your boss was giving you some feedback during your annual review and you proclaim, “I don’t like you disrespecting me like this.”

“I don’t want to go into exile.”
“I don’t want to go into The Exile.”

Since I am somewhat of a grammar geek, I find myself wondering what’s correct? The Exile would make it a proper noun. And since The Exile is a specific place, named location in Australia, it’s quite possible saying “The Exile” is right. Just like the inferno, the gauntlet, etc. However, the definition of exile is, “Enforced removal from one's native country, to banish” which exactly what they are doing on the show, literally and figuratively. So it seems to me that “exile” is more correct than “The Exile,” simply because I think that is the spirit of the law. Of course, you could say the same about the inferno and the gauntlet, too. Okay, I’m confused again.

“They don’t realize how twisted, dirty and backstabbing this game can be.”

Here’s what I don’t get, good guys like Alton, Derrick, Timmy and M.J. all accomplished a lot in The Gauntlet II. Yet pain-in-the-ass people like Beth and Tonya always seem to fighting for their reality life and have a giant Target logo on their back. So why does everyone think you need to be conniving, mean and backstabbing to succeed? Even good people, like Ruthie, who have been eliminated early on, always seem to earn everyone’s respect by being fair, trying her hardest and acting relatively civil.

So if you have a better chance of winning by being “professional” (and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible), why take the unethical and immoral approach? Seems like a poor recipe for success. If you are going to claim this show as your job, shouldn’t you try to be good at it? Speaking of …

“You can’t do anything … you are basically athletically worthless.”

- Vince Lombardi

I’m sorry. Actually, that wasn’t Vince Lombardi, it was Wes to his teammate/partner, Casey. My fault. It’s so easy to get those two mixed up.

Anyway, if your career basically consists of competing on a reality show, and you and your teammate stand to make $250,000 from this competition, and whether or not you personally win $125k directly correlates to how well your teammate/partner performs, do you really want verbally beat the *hit of that person during the first week? Do you really want to treat your partner the same way Brittney Spears treats her son?

“I’m really good at making bad decisions.”
“I eat babies.”

Lets agree to hold off on buying our tickets to 7 Habit of Highly Successful Reality Stars Conference, until after the summer.

“On June 16, meet Nacho!”
“I alone hold the key to saving our future. Buy Underworld: Revolution on DVD June 16!”

Okay, not part of the show but I did see these two commercials while I was watching. When I was growing up, I got Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Die Hard, The Goonies, Star Wars and Tom Hanks doing comedy. Nowadays kids get Jack Black as a professional wrestler, Kate Beckinsale saving the world and a Miami Vice movie starring Colin Ferrell. No wonder adolescents are so confused, they have hobbits and hogwarts as their roll models.

And finally …

“I’m looking at the board (balance beam), focusing on every grain on the board and that’s when I decided to just eat the board.”

- Eric, after walking across a balance beam that was hanging 80 stories over the side of a building.

I made-up one part of that last quote – guess which part? Eric is the heaviest person ever to fit on MTV, and for a second I honestly believed he was going to eat the balance beam and ruin the challenge. Turns out, he performed very well and quelled his appetite. I just hope Eric watches Chris Farley’s E!’s True Hollywood Story before his 15 minutes are up.

All joking aside, I think it’s great that MTV decided to put on a person who wasn’t attractive and isn’t of perfect physical proportions. Eric is the Jackie Robinson of MTV. Hopefully he’ll open the door for all the chubby or unattractive people out there who dream of forming alliances, talking behind people’s back, taking themselves too seriously, while competing on a reality show into their mid-30s on MTV, and thought they’d never make it.

Gotta love this show!

A Review of The DaVinci Code Movie

2006-05-22T19:10:00.000-06:00

It was just a movie.

After reading the book, seeing countless books get published debunking the book, watching the Biography and History Channel, and A&E all formally change their names to The DaVinci Code Channel, and listening to everyone get their feathers all ruffled-up and bent out of shape, it turns out The DaVinci Code is just another movie. No more, no less. And in the end, The DaVinci Code’s grail quest turned out to be a more intellectual, but less entertaining movie, than Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Since it’s a Monday and I am in a great mood, lets start out with the good:

- Ian McKellan (Sir Lee Teabing in the movie) is officially being entered into the Voiceover Hall of Fame, joining charter members Anthony Hopkins and Morgan Freeman. This guy could say anything and it’d sound regal … “You’re about ready to witness the greatest colonoscopy the world has ever seen.” I love listening to him talk and explain things, which probably saved the movie since McKellan’s character rambles on like a drunk chick at a bar who just broke up with her boyfriend, for half the film.

(SPOILER ALERT: One of the best scenes of the movie is the look on Tom Hanks’ face as McKellan kept talking and talking and talking and talking while getting arrested and dragged into a police car - and yet still wouldn’t shut up! The expression Tom gives us during that scene is the reason he has won two Academy Awards)

- The movie is under three hours long and Ron Howard did a great job pacing the film. The movie never drags and he doesn’t waste a lot of screen time on unnecessary subplots or plot points. On behalf of my ass and bladder, I thank you Mr. Howard.

- For all the calls to protest and boycott the movie (by the way, it grossed over $200 million worldwide last week), The DaVinci Code doesn’t make a whole lot of “factual” claims outside of the ones necessary to tell the fictional story. Robert Langdon (Hanks’ character) was consistently skeptical of the historical theories tossed around by the other characters and the movie doesn’t approach the “factual” rhetoric used by Dan Brown in recent interviews. Not surprisingly, the book tries to present itself much more as historically accurate than the movie does. But when you evaluate the entire movie, it’s easy to see that Opus Dei is not portrayed as an out-of-control, evil organization (at best you could say they had two bad apples who were manipulated), the claims about Jesus and Mary do not, or rather should not, destroy Christianity or cause a crisis of faith, and that the assertions about Christianity (while they may be historically inaccurate) are told in a way that make the movie entertaining and worth seeing.

That being said, let’s not throw The DaVinci Code in with The Godfather, Casablanca and American Beauty quite yet …

Here were the problems:

- Tom Hanks was not a good choice to portray Robert Langdon. Hanks became an iconic movie star by playing the “everyday” sort of guy, not the intellect. If you look at Tom’s most successful roles: Forrest Gump (playing as simple as a character as there is), Big (playing a child in an adult body) and Saving Private Ryan (a high school grammar teacher), he thrives with characters who are not all that different from the average movie audience. Even in movies where he plays smarter characters: Catch Me If You Can, Cast Away, Apollo 13, you never got the sense Hanks was a brilliant thinker. That isn’t a knock on Tom Hanks, he’s obviously intelligent, but his relate-ability to the audience is what makes him great. In The DaVinci Code, Robert Langdon is an Ivy League professor, a genius of symbols, and you never totally buy in to Hanks being that guy, mostly because he seems too much like you and me - and most of us aren’t going to be lecturing in Cambridge anytime soon. As my friend Ryan remarked as we were leaving the theatre, “You never forgot you were watching Tom Hanks.” Hanks didn’t kill the movie by any means, even though there were some scenes and lines where his acting seemed fake and forced (very un-Hanks-like), but an actor like Josh Lucas (A Beautiful Mind, Glory Road, Sweet Home Alabama and Poseidon) would have been a much better choice.

- There was more chemistry between Ron Burgundy and Baxter in Anchorman, than there was between Hanks and Audrey Tautou (Sophie). This isn’t Sleepless in Seattle, so I didn’t want them to fall in love on the Empire State Building, but a good rapport there was not. I never got the sense either of them were enjoying the greatest journey in the history of mankind. If it wasn’t for a few lines here and there uttered by the long-winded Teabing, none of the characters seemed to appreciate what they were discovering. It is amazing to me how un-suspenseful finding the most important artifact EVER, could be. I mean, you are dealing with Jesus, DaVinci, the Vatican, Popes, Emperors, hidden codes, famous museums, knights, priceless works of art – freakin' act like it! On top of all of that, Sophie saw her grandpa’s murdered body, helped an accused murderer flee the country, learned secrets about her family and her true lineage, yet she doesn’t seem all that phased by those events. I think if someone had said, “Robert and Sophie, Jesus himself is waiting for you by the Mona Lisa,” they would have intensely stared at each other for a couple of seconds and then matter-of-factly walked to the end of the hallway like Jesus visits France everyday. At least in Indiana Jones, you got the feeling Harrison Ford and Sean Connery sensed how momentous their discoveries were.

But Sophie kinda looked like the third wife, Margene, from Big Love, so that was fun.

For me, there are two things that you have to do well for a movie to be considered phenomenonal: character development/arc and story. Most of the time it’s easier for a movie to succeed with a weaker story and strong characters, than the other way around. That’s why goofball comedies like Zoolander and Old School, and cheesy action films like Face/Off and Armageddon, are entertaining, and movies with great stories like Munich and The Passion of the Christ, disappoint. Unfortunately, The DaVinci Code is closer to Passion, than Zoolander. Robert Langdon was strictly a vessel to tell the story through. We knew no more about him at the end if the film then we did at the beginning (except for he had a terrifying incident with a well when he was a boy). We knew a little bit more about Sophie, but she certainly didn’t arc. Teabing’s big secret was surprisingly unemotional, mostly because we didn’t know much about him and he didn’t arc either. I can’t help but think that given how charged the story was, had The DaVinci Code nailed the characters, the film would have tremendous.

One final thought about all the controversy …

My friend Nicole, who is a devout Christian, saw the movie this weekend (she didn’t read the book), emailed me today and wrote, “What's all the fuss about exactly?” She’s right. The DaVinci Code movie certainly wasn’t all that radical of a film. In JFK, it’s suggested that Lyndon Johnson was instrumental in having Kennedy assassinated. In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, regardless of what kind of person you are, drinking out of the Holy Grail will give you eternal life (not exactly a Biblically-based theory). Movies have taken shots at the Catholic Church for years (in The Godfather, Part III, the Pope gets whacked by corrupt Catholic clergy) and movies regularly take far-fetched theories, unpopular opinions and selective historical evidence, and convincingly tell a story. That’s what movies do.

The bottom line is, regardless of what Dan Brown has said in interviews, or what was written in the book, there is nothing overtly offensive to Jesus or Christianity in the movie. You may disagree with its conclusions or its interpretation of history, but it is just a movie.

The Passion of The DaVinci Code

2006-05-02T17:07:00.000-06:00

“This is a true story. The events depicted in this film took place in Minnesota in 1987. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.”

Recognize this quote? It’s from the opening shot of the movie Fargo. You know what the best part is? It’s total bs. Despite its claims, Fargo is 100 percent a fictitious film. No events even remotely close to what was depicted in Fargo ever happened in Minnesota, or anywhere else for that matter (and thank God, that wood chipping scene would have kept CSI and Forensic Files drooling for years).

In a few weeks, The DaVinci Code and Tom Hanks’ creepy, yet effective hairline will debut in theatres, and if Christians have their way, a disclaimer along the lines of “this movie is a work of fiction” will accompany the start of the film. Of course, it doesn’t take Forrest Gump to realize that most movies are works of fiction in the first place, and that those movies that are based on real events, usually are Hollywood-ized.

Fargo claimed to be true, but was actually completely false and a deliberate joke. Same with The Blair Witch Project. A Beautiful Mind was “based” off the life of John Nash, yet that film left out little details like John Nash was a bisexual, had an illegitimate child, and divorced his wife. JFK claimed to be true, too, but pretty much every substantial assertion is more from the creative mind of Oliver Stone, rather than historical or forensic fact. I don’t recall reading a disclaimer about the authenticity of Braveheart, even though they claim a romance between William Wallace and Princess Isabelle occurred, and that she was pregnant at the time of Wallace's execution. Historically, the real Isabelle was a nine year-old girl still living in France at the time, meaning she never met Wallace, and married Edward II after he became king and after Wallace had died, seven years earlier. Oh, and Braveheart forgot to add in the bridge during the Battle of Stirling Bridge. Did anyone get upset that there wasn’t actually a Jack and Rose on the Titanic, or that the Heart of the Ocean diamond was courtesy of the imagination of James Cameron?

So what’s the big fuss?

Obviously the reason The DaVinci Code is being so passionatley persecuted is because 1) it’s about the authencity of The Bible and the life of Jesus Christ, and 2) it claims to be mostly historically accurate (that’s assuming the movie will make the same claim the book does – which isn’t a given since movie adpatations often differ from their book counterparts).

In 2004, Braveheart director Mel Gibson made a little film called The Passion of the Christ. Maybe you heard of it? The movie grossed like $611 million (25th all-time) and inspired Christians worldwide. So what about the accuraccy of Passion?

Well first of all, I don’t think Jesus was half-Irish, as James Caviezel is. Jesus was not European, yet traditionally Christian artists and now moviemakers, incorrectly depict him looking like he is of German/Irish descent. More accurately, Jesus was Jewish and from Israel, and was probably short (rather than tall and slender, as we usually “see” him) and most likely closely resembled someone of Middle Eastern descent, rather than someone of European descent. You can draw your own conclusions on why a Jesus who looks like he is from Iraq or Iran would make us feel more uncomfortable than a Jesus hailing from the United Kingdom.

Also in Passion, Jesus the carpenter, constructs a table and chairs in upright form. Jesus did not invent the modern-day table and chairs, nor is that ever suggested in The Bible that he did.

Jesus’ journey to his place of execution is one of the longer sequences in Passion (the fourteen stations of the cross), yet the Bible does not delve into any substantial detail about this journey and the images regarding this walk shown in Passion, have little historical evidence to support it.

On a DaVinci Code-related note, Passion identifies Mary Magdalene as the prostitute in the Gospel of John (chapter 8). This may be true, but there is no evidence for it in The Bible.

And finally, how about Jesus getting nailed through the hands at the crucifixion? This is almost certainly historically wrong, given that the Romans usually nailed people through the wrists.

So if Passion can misrepresent Jesus’ physical appearance, fictionalize powerful scenes/images that are not written in The Bible, exaggerate or plainly lie about Jesus’ accomplishments, and incorrectly depict how Jesus was crucified – especially since the nail-through-the-hand is one of the more substantial symbols of Christianity, why is The DaVinci Code being pressured to include a disclaimer about it’s authenticity at the beginning of the movie? Since Passion isn’t totally “historically accurate,” or “Biblically accurate” either, why didn’t they place a similar warning at the start of that film?

The reality is, every movie – true or false – contains a disclaimer at the end of its credits. We have all seen it. It states that “the characters and the events depicted in this film are fictitious …” Yada, yada, yada. Or, if it’s based on a true story, the disclaimer reads, “although this film is based off of actual events, some of the characters and stories have been fictionalized …” The DaVinci Code will have one of those disclaimers. Just like The Passion of the Christ. Isn’t that two paragraph disclaimer in the film’s ending credits good enough?

Artistic license allows Joel and Ethan Coen to make the “true story” joke at the beginning of Fargo. It’s the same license that allows Mel Gibson to leave out the bridge in the Battle of Stirling Bridge and have Jesus being the inventor of the modern-day table and chairs. And it’s the same license that allows Ron Howard to claim (again, assuming he will, as Dan Brown did in the book) that the theories in The DaVinci Code are historically accurate. More than 75% of Americans believe JFK to be an accurate portrayal of the Kennedy assassination. Yet if you watch A&E or The Biography Channel anytime around November 22, you’ll quickly learn JFK is a work of fiction, just like The DaVinci Code.

In the end, what is the cinematic difference between the opening title shot in Fargo and the “fact” claims of The DaVinci Code?

There is none.

(Look out! Here comes the soapbox!)

We should be able to watch our movies without jeopardizing the filmmakers’ artistic license or having political or religious warnings and disclaimers as a preamble. Let us decide what we choose to believe. Education comes in many forms; sometimes it’s doing our own research to figure out that The Blair Witch Project was a hoax; other times it is reading a World War II book to find out that Oskar Schindler was far from a saint and spent most of his post-World War II life living off of the Jews he saved. Fact or fiction, right or wrong, true or false, educating yourself about a movies’ subject matter is one of the best parts of going to the movies. If anything, I hope The DaVinci Code will encourage more people to learn about the life and times of Jesus Christ and the history of Christianity. Isn’t that what Christians should be promoting instead, not boycotting the film and asking for warnings?

Now lets take this whole silly disclaimer idea and toss it into the wood chipper.

What We Learned

2006-04-19T18:41:00.000-06:00

So the college basketball season is over … and so is the Gauntlet II. Fortunately, we were treated to the boring-est Final Four in the history of the NCAA tournament and the most anticlimactic final challenge MTV could come up with to hold us over until the next season. Thanks a lot, guys.

(I guess having George Mason in the Final Four and having an eating challenge decide the winner of The Gauntlet wasn’t such a good idea after all.)

Anyway, since the Real World: Key West is the most un-fun piece of entertainment since Andy Kaufman decided to read an entire book to an audience, I decided this would be a good time to do a post-mortem on the Kansas Jayhawk basketball season.

(Two quick things: 1) This will be last Jayhawk post until mid-October, and 2) For those of you who don’t know, the next Real World reason will be in Denver!)

What We Learned From This College Basketball Season

Despite the Bradley loss, this season was an unquestioned success

Watching Kansas win the Big 12 tournament and tie for the regular season Big 12 title, it’s easy to forget that this team was not suppose to be very good. The only returning starter from last year was free-throw shooting champion Christian Moody, they were potentially going to be starting four freshman, they kicked-off the season with a 3-4 record, lost to Kansas State at home, blew at game at Missouri, and seemed destined to be the basketball equivalent of the Nebraska Cornhusker football program.

And then before we knew it, they win 15 out of their last 16 games, Christian Moody becomes a male cheerleader wearing a Kansas jersey, upset Oklahoma and Texas, cracked the top 20 and earn a #4 seed in the tournament. Not too shabby for a team whose seven best players are freshman and sophomores.

Any Jayhawk fan who complains about this season is as spoiled as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and the entire cast of Laguna Beach – combined!

Bill Self, not Roy Williams, deserved to win Coach of the Year

North Carolina was 23-8. Kansas was 25-7. Both lost their top seven scorers from last year. Both were exceptionally young and talented. Both beat powerhouse teams (UNC beat Duke, Kansas beat Texas) during the season, and both teams lost early on in the tournament. BUT, two of North Carolina’s top three scorers were upperclassman! Bill Self didn’t have that luxury. He had to work entirely with freshman and sophomores. In point of fact, three out of Kansas’ top four scorers were freshman, and the one who wasn’t (Russell Robinson) is a sophomore. Not to mention, Kansas won the Big 12 tournament and tied for the Big 12 regular season tournament, two things North Carolina didn’t do in the ACC. Coach Self outperformed Coach Williams this year in every category except North Carolina bias. I guess that’s why Roy won the award.

This years loss to Bradley didn’t hurt nearly as much as last years loss to Bucknell

This years team was young, inexperienced and just happy to be there – kinda like me going on any dates during high school. Last years team was littered with seasoned players, who had achieved 2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance – there was no reason to lose to Bucknell. This years team was suppose to be playing in the NIT. Yes, it was painful and disappointing to lose in the first round two consecutive years for the first time in Kansas history, but this team overachieved all season long – it’s hard to stay bitter at such a young and likeable team.

That being said, Coach Self better produce some tournament wins next year. Otherwise, he might be headed to The Gauntlet.

Russell Robinson is cute

Personally, I don’t think he’s attractive … mostly because I’m heterosexual. But according to a lot of female Jayhawk fans, he’s quite good looking. Evidently it’s because of his baby-face and missing eyebrows. Congrats Russell!

Micah Downs is a pansy and a wuss

Who transfers from one of the most prestigious basketball programs in the country because he doesn’t want to practice to earn playing time and misses his girlfriend? For the love of God, Micah, you’re a Jayhawk basketball player, you can have any girl in entire state of Kansas and half of Missouri. Lose the girlfriend in Washington, listen to Coach Self and hustle in practice and you’ll be on ESPN twenty times a year, while dating half the cheerleading squad, on your way to the NBA, and be treated like royalty in Lawrence.

Nope. Instead you choose to transfer to Gonzaga and lose a year of eligibility? Nice move, genius.

Texas has an endless supply of tall, white, blonde basketball players who are surprisingly good

Every year since I was a freshman (12 years ago – gulp), Texas has had one, two or three of those guys on their team. I don’t know if it’s the same three guys in disguise, if they are all related, or if Texas dominates the tall, white, blonde, recruiting race, or what, but they produce these guys like Queen Latifah makes unwatchable movies.

Christian Moody is really smart and took really hard classes this year

Just in case you didn’t know from the Jayhawk television broadcasts in which the announcers felt the need to repeatedly tell you that game after game. Also according the announcers, evidently, Mario Chalmers is from Alaska, Sasha Kaun was born in Russia, and Brandon Rush’s brothers played college basketball, too. Oh, and the sun also rises in the east – allegedly.

Christian Moody is NOT the guy you want shooting free throws in clutch situations

Sasha Kaun delivered a surprisingly effective performance in Can’t Hardly Wait, but was slightly annoying in Empire Records

Russell Robinson is a consistent jump shot away from being a ridiculously dominant all-around player

Julian Wright is one consistent offensive move away from being unstoppable

Mario Chalmers is the most likeable guy on the team. You gotta love his attitude (even when Coach Self is chewing him out) and how hard he works on both sides of the floor

Substituting Brandon Rush for J.R. Giddens on this years team was like substituting Al Pacino for Robert Redford to play Michael Corleone in The Godfather – it changed everything

Iowa State point guard Curtis Stinson is a thug and Russell Robinson’s bitch

Curtis will be joining Micah Downs on this years ESPN All-Whiners Team and The Sporting News’ Guys Who Talk a Lot of Trash and Can’t Back It Up Team.

The Jayhawks lack of either a consistent outside or inside game is what doomed them in the tournament. Kansas was at its best in transition, not in the half court offense

They need to make the Jayhawk on the football field at Memorial Stadium proportionally just as large as the Jayhawk on the basketball court at Allen Fieldhouse

Mario Chalmers was the best player on the team. Russell Robinson was the MVP. And Julian Wright was the most improved and most likely to dunk on every opposing player over 6’10. Speaking of …

With some work, Julian Wright is capable of doing anything on the basketball court. Next year I wouldn’t be surprised if he played all five positions, spent some time as the trainer, was the official scorekeeper in a few games and performed as Big Jay during television timeouts. Anything is possible with this guy.

And finally and most importantly …

Kansas should be in the top three next year and a favorite to win the NCAA championship.

You read it here first. Kansas will make the Final Four and beat North Carolina for the championship. Bill Self will be Coach of the Year and make his first Final Four. Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers will be All-Americans. And Julian Wright, on a missed alley-oop attempt, will be the first player ever to accidentally fly over the backboard at Allen Fieldhouse.

Next year should be a very good year in the Phog. Rock Chalk, Jayhawks!

You're Unpredictable

2006-03-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

SPOLIER SOPRANO’S ALERT:

The most common quote I’ve head since The Soprano’s came back is, “it’s not like Tony is going to die.” And the dozens of fans who have said that to me over the last two weeks are probably right; I highly doubt Tony is going to die anytime this season.

These Tony’s-not-gonna-die comments while bordering on fun-extinguishing, do bring up an interesting philosophical story-telling point though that I think a lot of people miss: Unpredictability alone is not what makes movies (or TV shows) suspenseful or good. It is the way the story is told that makes them suspenseful or good.

We all knew the Titanic was going to sink. No big surprise or plot twist there. We knew that ship was going down when we saw the movie title, long before we ever bought our tickets and saw the movie. But when the ship was sinking at a 90 degree angle, and the passengers were sliding down the boat deck hitting everything in sight along the way or falling off the ship and smacking the propellers, those were some pretty tense moments. Not to mention the drama in seeing all the people freeze to death in icy water. Aside from the actual sinking, who didn’t know Jack was going to die at the end? If you are raising your hand right now, I bet you are a big Colin Farrell fan.

I knew how Apollo 13 ended before I took one bite of popcorn. William Wallace’s capture and execution in Braveheart certainly didn’t come as a shock. Although I thought it was a terrible movie, didn’t everybody in the world know how The Passion of the Christ was going to conclude? Whose jaw hit the floor when Harry ended up with Sally? Or that somehow, despite all odds, Tom Hanks was going to meet Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. In Miracle, did you honestly expect the US hockey team to lose to the Russians? And in American Beauty, Lester reveals his pending death in the first 30 second of the film.

Good movies (and shows like The Soprano’s) have such solid stories, great acting and are so well done that certain parts of plot predictability are almost irrelevant. American Beauty is such a splendid film, that despite the audience’s knowledge of Lester’s upcoming death, we are taken on such wonderful journey and the story is so incredible, that Lester’s murder takes a backseat to the events leading up to his death. Just the opposite, in the first season of The Soprano’s, Tony survives a botched whacking. I doubt many people believed that the main character was going to die 10 episodes into their first season; but Tony’s response to the attempted assassination created suspense, tension and other types of unpredictability. This years shooting is doing the same thing in The Soprano’s. Sure Tony probably won’t die, but that doesn’t mean how Carmella, Meadow and Anthony Jr., handle it won’t be gripping, or who steps up to run the “family” during Tony’s absence won’t be unpredictable.

Don’t get me wrong, I love unpredictable plots like in The Godfather, The Usual Suspects and Matchstick Men, but I enjoy movies like Garden State and Ocean’s 11 just as much; even though their conclusion were somewhat predictable. How a story is told, where the story takes us and how we get there, are far more important aspects of a movie than being able to guess that the astronauts will make it home safely, that the bad guy will be killed by the good guy, or that the couple will fall in love.

I would bet that Bradley will win the NCAA tournament before I’d bet that Tony is going to die this season; but that doesn’t mean I will not love every second of the predictable yet amazing journey that will hopefully be Tony’s recovery.

Big Coincidence or Small Coincidence

2006-03-16T18:59:00.002-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I don’t want to turn this blog into the Las Vegas Travel Journal with a side of Jayhawk; but it’s March Madness so you are just going to have to put up with another Jayhawk post …

Last year, an extremely talented Kansas team – filled with Roy Williams recruits – headed into the NCAA Tournament as a #3 seed and a favorite to win the championship. Gifted, experienced (2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance to their credit) and led by seniors, the only thing Kansas and their fans had to worry about was whether Roy Williams’ Tarheels would win all of their tournament games to eventually set-up the game of the century.

Unfortunately, Bill Self was never able to convince his talented, but Roy Williams loyal, seniors to totally buy into his coaching system. Injuries, bad breaks (the phantom Texas Tech traveling call on Aaron Miles, for example), and too many close games had worn the team down mentally and physically. Watching Kansas last season, it was easy to see that they were winning games on talent alone, not having fun, and disaster was looming.

I remember telling my old boss as I left work to watch Kansas in the first round of the tournament last year that, “I don’t feel real good about this game.” And I didn’t. I felt like one of those NASA engineers who had a bad feeling about the damage to the Space Shuttle Columbia; but chose to ignore their feelings, convincing themselves that they were just being paranoid, that the data they were interpreting was faulty, and if there was a real problem - someone else would have spoken up by then.

As a result: Bucknell – 64, Kansas – 63

This year, a team of confident and wildly athletic sophomores and freshmen have led the Jayhawks to a Big 12 regular season championship, a Big 12 tournament championship, a #12 ranking in the polls, and a #4 seed in the tournament – and exceeding everyone’s expectations in the process. This team laughs, they have fun, they’re cocky, they’re loyal to Bill Self, and I would argue, better than last years team.

BUT …

They play freakin’ Bradley in the first round of the tournament! Call me crazy, but Bradley is eerily too close to Bucknell for comfort… Check out these coincidences:

- Both schools are BUs.
- Bradley – 2 syllables, Bucknell – 2 syllables
- Bradley – 7 letters, Bucknell – 8 letters
- Bradley’s mascot – the Braves, Bucknell’s mascot – the Bison. Both Bs.
- People have no clue where either school is located (Bucknell is in Pennsylvania and Bradley is in Peoria, Illinois)
- Both traditionally suck at basketball and consider it a great season just to make it to the tournament.
- AND, I’m watching the Bradley game at the same sports bar I watched the Bucknell game

So what does all of that mean in the grand scheme of things? Heck if I know? I do know that I originally I was going to write about all the coincidences between Bucknell and Bradley, and that I felt indifferent towards Bradley and slightly nervous about the game -- until one of their writers wrote an article making fun of KU, the Jayhawk and the Rock Chalk.

F*ck Bradley. Time to take the gloves off.

So now, not only do I want KU to avenge last years first round loss by beating Bradley, I want them to beat the sh*t out of Bradley. I want KU to play the role of Alton on the Gauntlet II, and Bradley will be everyone else. I want Bradley to get so sick of hearing the Rock Chalk chant that it gets stuck in their head for their entire plane ride back to Midway Airport and that they find themselves humming it aloud as they wait for their baggage. I want Julian Wright to dunk on a Bradley player so badly that CBS uses the slam dunk as promotional material for next years tournament. I want the blowout to be so painful that Christian Moody not only enters the game, but even sinks a few free throws. I want Bradley’s coach in a post-game press conference with ESPN to say, “They killed us like Sonny at the tollbooth. They even kicked our ass in the pre-game warm-ups. It will take a very talented team to beat Kansas. We haven’t been beaten like that all year – if ever. I hope we never have to play the Jayhawks again.” I want Bradley fans to frustratingly yell at the TV, “PLAY DEFENSE! … WHY CAN’T KANSAS MISS? … WHY DOES KANSAS KEEP STEALING THE BALL? … WHY CAN’T WE RECRUIT PLAYERS LIKE THAT? … WHAT IS THAT FU*KING CHANT I’VE BEEN HEARING FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES?” And finally, as Warden Norton so proudly exclaimed, I want Bradley to “Vanish! Like a fart in the wind” from this years tournament - compliments of the Kansas Jayhawks.

You gotta love March Madness!

Good luck, Jayhawks. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

Welcome to the Las Vegas Travel Journal

2006-03-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

I’m officially changing the name of this blog from The Whole Year Inn to the Las Vegas Travel Journal. That’s right, I’m going to Vegas again (this time for my 30th birthday).

I freakin’ sound like Forrest Gump going to the White House and meeting the president. But instead of saying, “I got to go the White House again … and meet the President of the United States again,” I get to say things like “I lost $200 on a blackjack table and got drunk off of a drink shaped like a cowboy boot at 10:30 in the morning again … and I got to grind with Paris Hilton at The Palms again.”

So, in honor of traveling and vacations ….

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Overrated - The Mile High Club

Nothing says passion like having sex in a cramped public restroom, er, lavatory, while 200 of your fellow passengers know exactly why you and your significant-other decided to randomly go to the bathroom together in the middle of the flight.

I’m not lazy. I have ambitions in the forbidden/adventurous sex genre, but I’ve never been particularly motivated or tempted to “wave my wheat” at 35,000 feet, in a tiny room with creepy blue water and a stainless steel toilet. I understand some of my complaints are all part of the appeal in obtaining membership in the Mile High Club, but it still seems overrated to me - something that sounds totally cool in conversations with your friends and in your imagination, but ultimately very disappointing in reality … kinda like most games of truth or dare.

If anyone out there has any experience, or knows anyone who is in the Mile High Club, I’d love to hear some stories and perhaps they might change my mind. But until then, having sex in an airplane lavatory sounds just as exotic as having sex in a Greyhound bus bathroom or a New Jersey Transit train bathroom. Ick.

Economic Theory of the Week:

Can anyone imagine making travel reservations nowadays without the Internet? I know we used to, but how in the world did people make hotel reservations or plane reservations without spending seven and half hours on the phone or having to visit a travel agent? How in the heck did people even get all the right phone numbers to call? If I had to make Vegas reservations without the Internet, how would I round-up all the different numbers to all the different hotels?

Anyway, I think the reason the airline industry is going bankrupt is because they can’t screw the consumer anymore. The airlines can blame 9/11 and fuel prices and bad management all they want, but I think the real reason they are losing money is because we passengers are more educated. Before the Internet, it was a monumental pain in the ass to call United and Delta and Continental, to obtain prices and flight times over the phone. Now we can simply visit their Web sites or travel Web sites (like Travelocity), and quickly compare all the airlines’ offerings and even receive emails when prices go down. The days of some customer service representative telling us that the $300 flight from Denver to Vegas is the “best they can do”, when changing departure times, staying or leaving early, or checking a competitor’s airline, could easily result in getting a flight for $158 round trip - are over and done. Airlines can’t take advantage of the colossal hassle it was to keep calling back every airline to constantly check flight times and prices. Ten years ago, we believed the major airlines when they said their exorbitant price were the best; mostly because it was difficult to prove them wrong. Now when United says that to us, all we have to do is check Continental’s Web site, look at Expedia, and scan what smaller airlines, like Frontier, JetBlue or Southwest, are offering, to see if United’s deal is actually superior. We have all become intelligent consumers; no longer can the airlines stick-it-to-us because of our lack of time and information, and subsequently overcharge us. Instead, it’s easy, convenient and efficient to find the best deal and the lowest price; and I think that is part of the reason airlines have lost money since the Internet become prominent.

On behalf of all air-travelers, thank you Al Gore.

Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing of the Week:

“This is way too funny! You just put on your gay ass blog that you have a Huge Forehead! This is Killing me! Good job Retard!”

-- Uncle Rico

Thanks for that intelligent contribution to the discussion.

Uncle Rico, I hope you and Tom Izzo enjoy your next fishing trip to Brokeback Mountain together. Who knows, maybe Coach Izzo will catch a fish without a “true fishing pole.”

By the way, Kansas has four national championships – 1988, 1952, 1923 and 1922 (Though in fairness, the 22’ and 23’ championships were awarded prior to the tournament being in place – but count nonetheless).

Michigan State has two – 2000 and 1979.

Quote of the Week:

“Do you want that coconut? Do I want that coconut? Basically, I want that *ucking coconut!”
-- Derrick, on Gauntlet II – Real World/Road Rules Challenge

The Tracy Flick Moral and Ethical Question of the Week:

Is it wrong to lie about the number of people staying in a hotel room, thus lowering the price?

(What I don’t get is; if Ryan and I pay $100 per night for a hotel room that has two beds, why should the charge go up based on having two more people in the room? Aren’t we receiving the same services from the hotel room regardless of the occupancy? Why does an extra person cost $35 more? What does that $35 pay for? I understand enforcing a limit on the amount of people in a room – so you don’t end up with 20 college kids stuffed into one room – but if the room has 2 queen beds, the room price should be inclusive up to four people (two per bed). If the suite has three beds, the room rate should be good up to six people, etc. It seems excessive to charge more money when the room is designed to handle that many people in the first place.

One more thing, hotels often say “kids stay free.” How are kids sleeping in a hotel room any less expensive than adult; especially since adults tend to be cleaner and less likely to spill stuff on carpets and comforters?)

The Day of the Week: Sunday

Rock Chalk, Jayhawks! Led by three freshmen, two sophomores and a senior who has already graduated and who has the nickname JHawk; the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the cocky and rapidly becoming annoying Texas Longhorns to win the Big 12 tournament. Not only did the Jayhawks avenge the 25 points loss to Texas two weeks ago. Not only did the Jayhawks shut-up the trash talking Longhorn cheerleaders. Not only did the Jayhawks turn Texas center Brad Buckman a disturbingly light shade of pink. But they also earned a #4 seed (though they should have been a #3 seed) in the NCAA tournament, showed that Bill Self deserves consideration for National Coach of the Year, showed that Texas cries like the bulimic chick from the Real World: Key West after every call that doesn’t go their way, and that Kansas is the best team in the Big 12.

And just like Kansas showed Oklahoma State, Nebraska and Texas who the best is; after a two year layoff, The Soprano’s showed CSI, The West Wing and every other show on TV, that they are still king. I won’t spoil the first episode for anyone, but as Ryan so eloquently put it, “Waiting for the next episode will be harder than waiting the last two years.” After The Soprano’s, HBO debuted Big Love – a story about a polygamous family starring Bill Paxton. Maybe because I was still in shock-n-awe about The Soprano’s, but going from a mafia show based in New Jersey, to a show about a Mormon family in Utah was a rough transition. It was like driving 75 miles an hour in third gear – it didn’t feel right. I think what the show needs is more shots of Bill Paxton in his tighty-whities, or even better, more shots of him in his tighty-whities after he has taken his Viagra. Or as Ryan so eloquently put it, “I didn’t think you could make having three wives look un-cool, but Bill Paxton has done it.”

Defending the Phog

2006-03-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

"If you read my comment it stated that Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well. The 2000 Championship Team that you brought up had Cleaves, who was a true point guard. Anyhow, if your HUGE forehead can grasp this (can a forehead be any larger-GOSH!), all I am saying is the Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo. Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"

-- Anonymous, er, Uncle Rico

You gotta love Anonymous! If you need any help locating a time machine on the Internet, please let me know. In the meantime, I decided to put my huge brain, that is incased in my huge forehead, to use and evaluate Uncle Rico’s comments …

Here we go.

“The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like (Tom) Izzo (Michigan State's Head Coach).”

Let’s see if this is true by looking at the last five years …

2001
Kansas loses to Illinois – who is coached by current Kansas coach, Bill Self – in the Sweet Sixteen.

Michigan State loses to Arizona in the Final Four.

Advantage: Michigan State

2002
Kansas loses to eventual champion, Maryland, in the Final Four. The Jayhawks reach the Final Four with arguably one of their best players, Wayne Simien, injured and unavailable to play.

Michigan State loses in the first round of the tournament, presumably without a true point guard. Regardless, thanks for showing up, Spartans!

Advantage: Kansas

2003
Kansas loses to Syracuse in the championship game.

Michigan State loses in the Elite 8 to Texas, again without a true point guard. Of course, Kansas reaches the championship game with future NBA first round draft pick Wayne Simien injured and unable to play. Kansas also loses legendary head coach to Roy Williams two weeks later; who is replaced by Bill Self.

Advantage: Kansas

2004
Kansas in the Elite 8, loses to national champion runner-up Georgia Tech. Coach Self does this with Roy Williams' recruits and after losing 2 star players (Hinrich and Collison) to the NBA.

Michigan State again loses in the first round of the tournament – I don’t think they even had a false point guard on the team. Yikes.

Advantage: Kansas

2005
Kansas loses the Bucknell debacle in the first round of the tournament. I am not even going to try to defend that game. Ugh. I just threw-up in my mouth.

Michigan State loses to North Carolina and Roy William in the Final Four.

Advantage: Michigan State

Okay, since 2001:

Both Kansas and Michigan State have two Final Four appearances and 0 National Championships. Michigan State has lost in the first round twice, Kansas once. Both have made it the Elite 8 and lost one time. So since 2001, Kansas has performed slightly better in the tournament than Michigan State … but Michigan State won the national championship in 2000, so we’ll call it a tie, despite the fact Kansas has more tournament wins since 2001.

However, Uncle Rico’s comments were about coaching, not wins and losses. So lets look at the coaching difference. Of course Kansas has had two coaches during this time, Roy William and Bill Self, while Michigan State has only been coached by Tom Izzo.

2001 – Izzo wins over both Self and Williams. Self beats Williams in the Sweet Sixteen, but loses in the Elite 8. Izzo reaches the Final Four.

Advantage: Izzo and Michigan State

2002 – Williams guides the Jayhawks to the Final Four while Izzo loses in the first round. Ouch.

Advantage: Williams and Kansas

2003 – Williams again leads the Jayhawks to the Final Four, losing in the championship game. Izzo loses in the Elite 8 to Texas (a team KU previously defeated).

Advantage: Williams and Kansas

2004 – Under new coach Bill Self, Kansas reaches the Elite 8; while Izzo and Michigan State again lose in the first round.

Advantage: Self and Kansas

2005 – Self is embarrassed by Bucknell, Izzo leads the Spartans to the Final Four but loses to ex-KU coach Roy Williams.

Advantage: Roy Williams

So, if the assertion is Kansas needs better coaching in March, the last five years don’t support that claim considering Kansas coaches (Self and Williams) have outperformed Tom Izzo in every year except 2001.

If we consider 2000, the year Michigan State won the championship, and 2005 (because MSU did better than KU but not better than UNC) then the teams at the least would be even in terms of performance.

Uncle Rico’s quote was, “The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo.” Well not true, at least if you consider history and statistics relevant and important; since Jayhawk coaches have had consistently better runs than Tom Izzo since 2001.

“Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well.”

Okay, but Roy Williams took the Jayhawks to back-to-back Final Fours without All-American Wayne Simien being able to play due to injury. So while the Spartans were missing a “true” point guard, the Jayhawks were missing an NBA first round draft pick. Both big losses.

I think both coaches did a great job and are impressive and equal accomplishments.

However, Coach Self has had the difficult task of taking over the Kansas program from a legendary coach and without his own recruits. Not exactly the easiest coaching situations to step into; considering how many other coaches have failed miserably when succeeding a legend.

“Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"

Michigan State has recently lost twice in the first round, in 02’and 04’. See a pattern developing? It’s 06’! Time for another first round exit for the Spartans. That is, if they even make the NCAA tournament this year. (Notice Uncle Rico didn’t mention this year’s team in his comments)

It’s pretty smug to criticize the Jayhawks for losing in the first round, when Michigan State has done the exact same thing twice as many times over the last six years.

A couple extra thoughts:

- The last time the Jayhawks and Bill Self played Michigan State in the 03-04 season, the Jayhawks won.

- Coach Self was just named Big 12 Coach of the Year. I don’t think Tom Izzo will be winning the award in the Big 10 this year.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I am going to shop for hats that fit properly.

A Straight Man’s Strange Erotic Journey to Brokeback Mountain

2006-03-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

"We have fun in our hotel rooms. We go from room to room messing with each other at 12 or 1 in the morning. Last night I ran from room to room getting in pillow fights with the guys”

-- Jayhawk Brandon Rush, explaining why KU is such a good road team.

I apologize for such a delay in writing, but I’ve been in Torino, Italy competing in the 200-meter Coughing and Phlegm competition, the highly competitive Most Hours Slept Due to Ny-Quil Freestyle competition, and I set the modern day world record for the most times blowing one’s nose in the middle of the night.

Now, before I get to Brokeback Mountain, I want to address my Anonymous friend who can’t seem to spell Jayhawk correctly and who also thinks the Jayhawks suck this year.

(I highly recommend you reading his comments on the post)

First – Jayhawk is one word! Spelled exactly like I’ve typed it 1,467 times previously. It’s not JayHawk, Jay Hawk, JHawk, Jaihawq, or any other derivation. It’s hard for me to grasp your point when you can’t spell the subject of your comment correctly. You don’t spell Spartan: SPARtan, Spar Tan, Sp-art-an, do you?

Second – I’ve figured who Anonymous is … it’s none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Wanna know how I solved the mystery? Anonymous kept droning on in his comments about the past - just like Uncle Rico wished it was still 1982 so he could lead his high school football team to the state championship. Anonymous wishes it was still 2000 or 1979 so he could make comments like, “Yeah, Michigan State won it all without a true point guard … and we made three-pointers shooting over those mountains over there … and the entire Michigan State team shoulda turned pro … and we beat everyone by like 150 points … I wish I had a time machine.”

Come join us in the present, Uncle Rico. Which speaking of …

Third – Kansas is #22 (#18 in the AP poll) in the country with a 21-7 record. Michigan State is #23 (#25 in the AP poll) with a 20-9 record. Michigan State is 8-7 in the Big 10 and sitting in forth place. Kansas is 12-3 in the Big 12 and tied for first place. It’s difficult to assert that Kansas sucks this year when the team you support, Michigan State, has a worst overall and conference record … unless you think Michigan State sucks, too.

Forth – And just because you got me thinking about the past, Uncle Rico. Kansas has more NCAA championships, more NCAA tournament appearances and more NCAA tournament wins than Michigan State.

Now that we have that settled, lets get back to Brokeback Mountain …(don’t think I ever want to say that phrase again)

Inspired by Brandon Rush’s comment, I decided it was time for me to see Brokeback Mountain. After hearing all the jokes, watching all the parodies and vowing to never watch that movie on HBO, alone, with my roommate Ryan on a Friday night- I had to see what all the rage was about.

Here is what took place …

- I am joined by my roommate Ryan, and our friend Calley. Or, what I affectionately called her the entire evening, “our heterosexual insurance policy.” Prior to the movie, Calley signed a binding legal contract agreeing to make-out with either one of us in the event of an emergency.

- I want to know if there is a straight guy out there who could say the following phrase with a straight face – “One student for Brokeback Mountain, please.” If there is, quit your job; the poker world needs you right now.

- What looks worst: Me sitting next to Ryan in the theatre - or me, Ryan and Calley playing musical chairs in theatre as we figure out the “best” seating arrangement?

- A few other questions to ponder: Does it mean anything that originally Calley and I were going to go see Brokeback Mountain by ourselves; and I invited Ryan to come along? What about the fact we ate sushi prior to the movie? Why did I choose to wear my “I lie to girls” t-shirt on this evening? Why is Ryan drinking a bright red fruity drink out of a straw right now?

- During the coming attractions, we see a preview for the Crying Game 2, a Nathan Lane film, and a Cher concert. Just kidding. But it was interesting that the previews featured two English movies and two independent films. Evidently the marketing folks concluded it’s a bunch of Britons and film geeks who go to see Brokeback Mountain.

- As the opening credits role, Ryan rhetorically (and jokingly) asks, “Why do I have an erection already.” I immediately turn to Calley and ask her is she realizes the contract she signed could be enforced by a court of law and I could seek damages if she doesn’t follow through on the make-out clause.

- Just an interesting little factoid for everyone, the tagline for Brokeback Mountain is, “Love is a force of nature.”

Okay.

- Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal; both who are coming off of Oscar-caliber performances. For Jake, it was The Day After Tomorrow. For Heath, it was The Brothers Grimm. With resumes like that, it’s amazing they were able to fit Brokeback into their busy schedule.

- Ten minutes into the movie, we’ve already heard the following quotes:

“Skinny asses.”
“You have to sleep with the sheep.”
“Pitch a tent in five minutes.”
“He got all over my ass.”

Yep, we’re off to a good start.

- About a half hour into the film, we notice there is a family in the theatre with their preschool-aged kids. Nice work, parents - Brokeback is definitely fun for the entire family! I guess Deathblow and Rochelle, Rochelle were sold out. I hope these parents aren’t surprised when their kids dress up like cowboys for Halloween this year.

- Jake Gyllenhaal’s character’s name is Jack Twist … I wonder if that name is a foreshadow? I’d tell you what Heath Ledger’s character’s name is, but frankly I can’t understand 2 out of every 5 words he says … I think it’s something Del Mar. But the good news is he doesn’t sound Australian and hasn’t started singing “Can’t take my eyes off of you” to Jack Twist in a high school stadium yet.

- Did you know Jake Gyllenhaal stared in City Slickers as a child actor? Judging by the looks he and Heath are exchanging right now, he’s about to find out what that “one thing” is that Jack Palance kept referring to.

- You know how a lot of times in movies when characters fall in love; their first time having sex is a highly choreographed encounter, with perfect lighting, light kisses, sensual music, slow motion movements and wandering hands? Well, I guess that rule doesn’t apply for gay-Cowboy-sex.

Let me throw out some words and phrases that describe that first sex scene: sudden, violent, awkward, uncomfortable, shocking, spit-filled, makes me never want to go camping ever again.

Also, I’m pretty sure everyone in theatre shifted in their seats, avoided eye contact, and didn’t make a sound or take a breath until it was over. It reminded me of seeing Fear in college; during the infamous rollercoaster scene between Reese and Mark Wahlberg. Every guy in theatre was so turned-on that they became paralyzed. Same thing just happened here – though I doubt anyone is turned-on. I hope.

- Trust me, nothing makes you feel more absolved about watching a movie like Brokeback Mountain than seeing Michelle Williams (from Dawson’s Creek) and Anne Hathaway (from the Princess’ Diaries) breasts!

More popcorn anyone?

- On page 4 of the Cheating Handbook it reads: “Do not make-out in front of the apartment building of where you live, when the person you are cheating on is inside and can easily see you.”

I bet that never happened between Dawson and Pacey.

- DTR’ing (defining the relationship) is a funny-enough thing as it is. Multiply the humor by 100 when it’s two gay cowboys, who are pretending to be straight, who are played by Health Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, doing it at a Wyoming campsite.

- According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene. Yikes guys, take it easy, it’s only a movie.

- Best line of the film, “This is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.” Try using that one at work tomorrow.

- Finally, at the climax of the film, Del Mar confronts Jack Twist and reads him the following poem:

I hate the way you talk to me,

And the way you ride your horse.

I hate the way you rope the sheep,

I hate it when you’re coarse.

I hate your big dumb ass

And the way you kiss my neck.

I hate that loving you is so much of a crime,

That it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you spoon me in the tent,

I hate it when you lie to your wife.

And the way you hold me by the fire,

Even worse when our time expires.

I hate fishing without you,

And the fact that were not married

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

Not even close…

Not even a little bit…
Not even barely.

Okay, lets fast-forward and get to the review of the film …

All joking aside about the subject matter, I was hoping for more and left the theatre disappointed. I compare this film to Boys Don’t Cry (the Hilary Swank film when she pretends to be a guy). Both films take place in the Midwest, both films include intolerant views about non-traditional love and relationships, both have violent endings, both achieved critical success and nominated for numerous awards, and both feature breast shots that somewhat redeem the film. But both films lack a true emotional impact besides the taboo love. If you take away the forbidden love aspect of both films, you aren’t left with much character development or plot. The filmmakers of Brokeback skip over and hurry through potentially awesome scenes (like the confrontation between Michelle Williams and Health Ledger when she finds out about his big secret) just to get us to an unsatisfying ending that is contrived to trigger a mountain’s worth of emotion. Unfortunately, I wasn’t particularly rooting for Jack Twist and Del Mar to end up together because besides the rushed first act (when they rapidly show a bond between the two cowboys), Brokeback doesn’t do a good job of showing us why they should be together; except for the fact it’s a forbidden relationship.

Just so I’m not all doom n’ gloom, here are a couple of good things about the film:

- The musical score of the film is solid and will provide laughs later-on because it’s easy to remember and to hum to your friends.

- Health Ledger’s performance is the best in the film. It’s pretty amazing his last two films are Brokeback and Cassanova … that’s some range.

- The movie wasn’t preachy or overtly political.

- Dennis Quaid’s short performance is entertaining. It’s still fun watching Cousin Eddie from the Vacation films try to do serious roles. Quaid hasn’t been this convincing since Independence Day.

- It’s an original story and isn’t a remake of some 60s or 70s TV show or another movie that was already done poorly 20 years ago.

Anyway, back to the review …

Both Anne Hathaway’s and Michelle William’s characters seemed to have been wasted; despite having tremendous potential to show the pain and the consequences of having their husbands carry-on dishonest bisexual relationships, while trying to raise their families at the same time. I wanted to see how conflicted Heath and Jake were, despite their occasional arguments while fishing. I wanted to see the struggle of being married to a woman while being in love with a man, even though they both claim not to be gay. I wanted to see how all of this affected their kids (barely addressed in the film). I wanted an ending that held Heath and Jake accountable for their life choices.

To a lesser extent, this movie suffers from Passion of the Christ syndrome. It’s not enough to just have an interesting or controversial subject matter, like Jesus’ crucifixion. To be considered a “great” movie; you still need character development, you need strong supporting roles, you need effective pacing of the scenes (a huge problem in Brokeback), you need a solid plot with an effective ending. You can’t skip over those things, throw together a series of “edgy” scenes (like Jesus’ passion, Sharon Stone showing her … um … ya know, or Hilary Swank taping her breast so they can’t be seen) and then call the movie great.

Super Bowl XL Awards

2006-02-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

Best Super Bowl Quote:

“Any animal that can climb a rock wall without opposable thumbs; we probably shouldn’t kill.”

- Ryan, commenting on mountain goat hunting laws during a commercial break.

Best Example of George W. Bush Logic:

Hours before the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the #18 ranked Oklahoma Sooners, coming back from a 16 point second half deficit, in the best game of the season so far (about 1,000 times more exciting than the Super Bowl, too).

When the new rankings were released on Monday, were the Jayhawks ranked ahead of Oklahoma? No. Were the Jayhawks even ranked? Nope. Oklahoma is currently ranked #20, and the Colorado Buffalose are ranked #25. Yet Kansas has defeated both of those teams, has a better conference record, and are ahead of both of them in the Big 12 standings.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Best Politically Incorrect Joke:

Before the Super Bowl, the NFL honored the memory of Rosa Parks – which spawned the following remark:

Do you think they buried Rosa Parks in the front or the back of the cemetery?

Most Obvious and Slightly Coincidental Observation:

Aretha Franklin singing the national anthem for Super Bowl XL.

Most Simultaneously Asked Question in 90 Million Households:

Why the hell doesn’t Aaron Neville get that mole removed from his face?

Best Motivational Super Bowl Technique:

Steelers coach Bill Cohwer convincing running back Jerome Bettis there was an all-you-can buffet located in the back of each end zone.

Best Commercial Example of The Golden Rule:

In the FedEx caveman commercial, after getting fired a frustrated caveman place-kicks an innocent dinosaur as he stomps away from his cave. Seconds later, the caveman is crushed by the giant foot of a Karmasourous.

Quick aside - Anyone else notice that cavemen seem to be the focus of a lot of commercials lately?

Best Commercial That Almost Triggered a Group Hug and Inspired Random Acts of Kindness:

That darned Budweiser commercial with the horses helping push the cart for the younger horse. Holy cow was that a moving commercial (pun intended).

When that commercial ended, I immediately wanted to join the Peace Corp or Greenpeace or give money to a charitable organization or something like that. Instead I had a Budweiser … but for a few minutes I really wanted to do something more with my life.

Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing the Super Bowl:

My friend and Denver Seminary professor Dr. Doug Groothuis, calling on the readers of his blog to boycott the Super Bowl.

I think anytime you can boycott an event that brings families and friends together; for an afternoon of bonding, conversation and good food, while watching one of America’s pastimes - you have to do it.

I mean why should we, as a society, participate in something ridiculous like that?

Company I Gained the Most Respect for Because of their Commercials:

Ameriquest Mortgage’s and their “Don’t Judge too Quickly” commercials.

(Just to refresh your memory; their first commercial had a guy lying in a hospital and the doctor’s discussing killing a fly, when a family member walks-in thinking the doctors are discussing the patient. And the other one had a lady climbing over a seat in an airplane, getting her blouse snagged on something, turbulence, and the rest of the plane assuming she’s messing around with one of the passengers.)

Too many mortgage and investment commercials show gray-haired men fishing in the wilderness, or retired couples sitting on swings on their porches, or someone working in their garage fixing something, or families walking down a beach together. It’s refreshing to see a company show they have a personality and a sense of humor about home mortgages.

Best Politician’s Name that is Going to Illicit the Most Inappropriate Jokes in US History:

New United States House of Representatives, Majority Leader: John Boehner.

It’s going to be really hard to not to make long jokes about his pulsating personality, firm stances on huge issues, and to erect a statue in his honor.

(Ooooohhhh, evidently it’s not pronounced like it’s spelled – Dang it! Never mind)

Most Palpable Sign the Super Bowl Was Really, Really Boring and I Had Nothing Interesting to Say About the Game Itself:

Read my previous joke about John Boehner.

On a related note, how hilarious is it that in the late 80s/early 90s we had a major TV character on one of the most popular family sitcoms in America, named: Boner!

Did this bother anyone? Did anyone call for any boycotts of Growing Pains? Were mothers disturbed by their daughters swooning over a character whose best friend’s nickname was a slang term for an erect penis? Can you imagine turning on Seventh Heaven and having a regular character nicknamed “Hard Cock”?

The Further Proof That Childbirth Isn’t a Miracle Award:

Thanks to our environmentally conscience friends at Hummer, we learned that the Hummer is the result of a love-child between some sort of hairy Godzilla that needs to shave, and a giant robot. Pretty gross. Mark this as reason #642 I won’t ever buy a Hummer.

On the plus side, we also learned that the hairy Godzilla can use the new Gillette Fusion, and all of its 19 blades and 24 lubricating strips, to shave itself. What a wonderful image that is. Frankly I’m surprised we didn’t see that in any cross-promotional spots. Maybe next year.

The Memorial Men’s Capri Bad Idea Award:

2-for1 Shampoo and Body Wash.

Call me picky, call me finicky, call me a metrosexual; but I want specialized soap. I don’t want one thing that can wash the hair on my head, my butt, my feet and everything else. Clearly different parts of my body have different needs, and I have a hard time believing one type of cleaning solution can adequately address all of those needs.

I don’t care if the soap comes from Mr. Clean, the Arm and Hammer guy, the Head n’ Shoulders guy, Mrs. Butterworth, and a Hummer; all having sex – and the result is some sort of super-soap that cleans my hair, my body, and I can brush my teeth with – I want shampoo, body wash and toothpaste all to be separate.

13 Reasons the Kansas Jayhawks Don't Suck This Year

2006-02-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

“My step-dad said Kansas sucks this year.”

- Lindsay, to me on Sunday.

“Kansas kinda sucks this year.”

- Ryan (KU fan and honorary Jayhawk), to me on Monday.

“WHAT THE *UCK!?!?!?”

- Me, to myself after Ryan and Lindsay said those things.

Two “Kansas sucks this year” comments on consecutive days? What are the odds? But they got me to thinking: Have I lost total objectivity? Does Kansas actually suck this year and I’ve been totally blind to it; wasting away in a pool of denial and defiance?

Or, are Ryan and Lindsay’s step-dad just so used to Jayhawk domination, that when a “good” or “average” or even “slightly above average” team takes the floor, they translate that into sucking?

Yep, that’s gotta be it.

So I came up with:

13 Reasons the Kansas Jayhawks Don’t Suck This Year

1. For all the numbers and stats people in the crowd (and to prove it’s not just my Rock Chalk bias writing this article), here are some hard facts about KU.

- #1 in the entire nation in field goal defense.

- Winners of 11 out of their last 13 games – including wins over Kentucky, Texas Tech and Nebraska; and road wins against Colorado, Iowa State and Texas Tech.

- 5-2 in the Big 12 Conference which is good enough for 2nd place, trailing only a top 10 team, Texas, by one game.

- #1 in Big 12 conference play in scoring. #1 in Big 12 conference play in defense (in terms of shooting percentage).

- 14-6 overall record with 10 regular season games to play.
(Considering you usually need 20 wins to reach the NCAA tournament, Kansas needs to only win 6 out of their last 10 to qualify)

2. Winner of the “Mush from A Bronx Tale” Award, Christian Moody, is no longer starting.

Christian Moody somehow morphed from a charming, former walk-on who made solid contributions in terms of points, rebounding, defense and leadership; into a guy where no lead is too safe.

During Saturday’s win against Iowa State, every time Coach Self inserted Moooooodddddyyy, the Cyclones would immediately go on an 8-0 run. And that happened at least three times. He’s like the anti-shamrock. I still can’t even joke about the Missouri game, or wonder why he was even out on the court in the first place during crunch time, or wonder why Kansas fans think its so damn funny and encouraging to applaud him every time he makes a free throw now.

Luckily, Coach Self has realized that the blank stare on Christian’s face isn’t just an act, and has severely cut down on his minutes. During the Texas Tech game, I was actually worried that somehow Christian would find a way to get dunked on, throw a pass into the crowd, give-up a 30 point lead, and then miss a couple of crucial free throws – but he defied the Vegas odds and didn’t.

On the plus side, Moody is a former walk-on (you have to say that when discussing him), is an academic All-Big 12 player, and will be a doctor someday.

3. The Jayhawk team that played Syracuse for the National Championship in 01’-02’was 15-5 after 20 games – and that was a dominant team. As I stated before, the current team is 14-6 – only a one game difference.

4. The year before Roy Williams left KU for UNC, North Carolina had a record of 8-20. Now that’s sucking!

It’s fair to compare UNC to Kansas in that they are both storied programs, with a long history of success, and have similar year-to-year expectations.

That Carolina team was just as young and talented as the current Kansas team (4 current NBA players were on that Carolina team), but sucked so bad they didn’t make the NCAA tournament, didn’t even make the NIT tournament, and became the subject of countless “Carolina Blew” jokes. Many pundits and fans thought this would be Kansas’ fate this year. Instead, Kansas should make the NCAA tournament, will finish with double, maybe even triple, the wins of that similar Carolina team, and also probably has 4 future NBA players on the roster.

5. Bucknell isn’t on their schedule and the odds of them playing again in this year’s NCAA tournament are pretty low.

Can’t stress enough how important this is.

6. If KU beats Oklahoma on Sunday, they should be ranked in the top 25 for the first time all season.

Teams that suck generally don’t get better as the season goes along, which Kansas clearly is – their record and statistics undoubtedly show the vast improvement from the beginning of the year, and even the beginning of Big 12 play, until now.

7. The kick-in-the-balls losses to Missouri and Kansas State were good things.

Last years team won close games by relying on experience and talent. This year’s team, while in many ways is just as talented, doesn’t have that valuable experience. Blowing leads to both of their rivals taught the young Jayhawks a valuable lesson on how not to finish games. Since those two losses, Kansas has been dominant. If Kansas continues to improve, the Missouri game will probably have been the wake-up call/turning point moment of the entire season.

I remember when I first started dating in high school, I thought it was a good move to be overly emotional and call my girlfriends all the time to ask them if they were mad at me. After getting dumped a few times for being a total sap, I realized that probably wasn’t the best strategy. That was the KState and Missou games to the Jayhawks. Lesson learned.

8. Sasha Kaun looks disturbingly a lot like Ethan Embry.

How can a team that has a 6-11 Russian center that looks like the Rusty from Vegas Vacation, suck? They can’t. It’s impossible.

9. Winner of the Obvious Nickname Award – “Super” Mario Chalmers, has turned into super shooting guard.

In Mario’s first game against Arizona, he had 0 points, 213 turnovers, got schooled 12 times, poster-ized 3 times, and fouled out. Okay, I’m exaggerating – but it was rough.

In the Iowa State game, against one of the best guard combos in the Big 12, Mario was 6-for-9 from the field, 3-for-5 in three pointers, 6-for-9 from the free throw line, 6 steals, and 21 points. Yikes. By himself, Mario can change a game defenseively, and his offensive skills are underrated and improving by the minute. In fact, during the time it has taken you to read this far, Mario has already gotten better. That’s how good he is.

He can also collect gold coins by hitting his head on bricks, can jump really far and slide down a flag pole, and when he is big, can shoot fireballs at his enemies.

10. Stephen Vinson is this year’s recipient of the “Jerod Haase Award” – As the Jayhawk having the most consistent groupie/cheerleader/sorority girl $ex after every game.

Anytime your back-up, back-up point guard is getting laid that much, he keeps the whole team focused, loose and inspired. Nothing, I mean NOTHING, that happens on the court during a game is going to rattle him - he takes it all in stride; believe me - he has other things on his mind.

Check out his picture, look how he happy he is!

11. Three Jayhawk players have songs correlated to their names.

Russell Robinson: Mrs. Robinson
(Do-Do-Do-Do-Do … And here’s to you Mr. Robinson, heaven has a place for guards that play.. yay, yay, yay …yay, yay, yay)

Sasha Kaun: Chaka Kahn
(Sasha Kaun – Sasha Kaun)

Darnell Jackson: Jackson, by Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash
(We’ve been talking about Jackson, ever since the fire went out. I’m going to Jackson, gonna mess around. Look out Jackson town)

12. Russell Robinson (who wears #3, by the way), Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers could be the best all-around guard trio in the country.

Robinson and Chalmers are two of the best defenders in the history of the world. They absolutely killed Iowa State’s guards last Saturday - and they were considered two of the best in the land. I’ll take Robinson and Chalmers defensive skills and match them up with anyone in the country.

Offensively, no one can cover Brandon Rush. If you stop his drives, he shoots three pointers and long jumpers over you. If you take those away, he dunks on your centers and power forwards, and ends up on SportsCenter. The only problem with Brandon’s game has been his lack of assertiveness. But now that Coach Self has convinced him he can’t be stopped, Rush has been one of the best players in the country – just ask Bobby Knight and Texas Tech.

Look at what the three Kansas guards average per game:

Rush – 18.0 points
Chalmers – 14.6 points
Robinson – 13.3 point

If Kansas even gets an average contribution from their inside players (Kaun, Wright, Jackson, Giles and Moody), between Rush, Robinson and Chalmer’s offense and defense, it’s very tough to beat KU.

Teams that suck don’t have 2 freshmen and a sophomore that have their skills, average those numbers, and have the wins that Kansas has. They just don’t.

13. Kansas’ defense will keep them in almost every game.

Kansas hasn’t been blown out once this year. In their victories, they average a margin of victory of 20+ points. In their losses, they have lost by an average margin of 4 points (which means they’ve been in every game and every game was winnable).

Kansas hasn’t been dominated by a team yet this year, and now that the freshmen understand how to finish games, they will likely win some of those games they lost earlier in the year. And even if the offense isn’t producing 80+ points a game (which it is averaging in the Big 12 right now), their #1 ranked defense will ensure they are always within striking distance and always give the Jayhawks a chance to win.

So, In conclusion …

Is this year’s team a dominant Kansas team? They have been at times, but generally not.

Are they are very good team? Not yet. Only finishing the Big 12 strong, a good showing in the Big 12 tournament, and a NCAA appearance, will guarantee that.

Are they an above average to good time – even by Kansas standards? Yes!

Do they suck?

Absolutely not!

Thumbs Up!

2006-01-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Week:

“It's a fun atmosphere. It feels like it's at least one half KU and one half Colorado fans."

- Christian Moody, University of Kansas, forward/center, giving out some props to the rowdy, loud, and sprited Jayhawk faithful after Kansas defeated the Buffalose in Boulder last week.

CU, which averages a flacid 3,000 fans per game, only sells out one game per year, the Kansas game, and we showed-up 5,000 strong to make the Coors Event Center - Allen Fieldhouse: West. I’m proud of all you fellow Jayhawks fans!
Buffalose fans should be embarrassed to have their home court turned into a homecourt advantage for the VISITING TEAM!

Movie/TV Show of the Week:

Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II

Unlike too many men, I have no problem openly admitting I enjoy chick flicks. Now I am not talking about films like Under the Tuscan Sun, that Traveling Ya-Ya Sisterhood Pants movie, or Kate and Leopold; I’m talking about good movies that happen to be chick flicks like. Love Actually or Notting Hill.

So the other night after watching an episode of The Soprano’s, HBO showed Father of the Bride I and II, back-to-back.

(For the record, I did not spend 4+ hours watching a Father of the Bride marathon.)

Anyway, from the parts I did catch, I can officially say - and say with confidence - that the relationship George (Steve Martin’s character) has with his daughter Annie (Kimberly Williams) is very, very uncomfortable. From the way he longingly gazes at her, to his possessiveness, to his random jealous temper tantrums, to his constant pouting, to his long-winded incestus monologues – I got so seriously creeped out by Steve Martin that I couldn’t even enjoy the movies. Steve Martin was like an insecure 10th grader trying to figure out if the girl he has a crush on likes him. And that basketball scene in Father of the Bride between him and his daughter, is like watching one of your uncles hit on your attractive, college-aged cousin during Thanksgiving dinner, while the rest of the family tries their best not to make eye contact.

I’m not a parent, so I am left wondering: Do dads really feel this way about their daughters? If so, I really, really want a son.

Besides that, Martin Short, and the plot in the sequel, I thought the movies were really great.

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Underrated: Thumbs

(Now everyone collectively pull your head out of the gutter – thank you)

Thumbs are the key to every good massage and few too many people realize this – especially you women. I will concede that I am not the national champion when it comes to massages, but I am in the Sweet Sixteen. So let me offer a few suggestions when it comes to thumbs and massages:

1) Thumbs are the strongest of your fingers, use them to your advantage.

2) You are not going to break us and probably not going hurt us either, so use as much thumb strength as possible.

3) Us men have big, strong muscles and it takes a little bit more than a caress to loosen them up and remove knots. So when giving us a massage, don’t pretend you are petting your cat as you watch Sex in the City, pretend that you are trying to level out stiff cookie dough … or something like that.

4) Don’t get overzealous with your thumbs and accidentally pinch us or apply the Vulcan Neck Grip. Ouch.

5) Don’t focus and rub just our neck and shoulders. Our biceps, lower back, mid-back, upper-butt-region and head need attention, too – show them that you care.

6) I repeat, the thumb is the key to a good massage. If you don’t use it effectively, your massage will suck. No exceptions!

Unanswered Question of the Week:

Are you suppose to tip the people at Sonic who bring the food to your car?

Metaphorical Kick in the Balls of the Week:

The Kansas Jayhawks blowing late second half leads to both the Kansas State Wildcats and the Missouri Tigers within a three day period.

Song of the Week:

“Believe” by Cher

Before you start wondering about my musical sanity, let me say I saw a commercial early in the morning advertising the Greatest Hits of the 90s, or something like that, and the c.d. included the song “Believe.” I wasn’t listening to a Cher c.d. by choice – really I wasn’t. I promise. I wasn’t.

For those of you who don’t know the tune I am referring to (I mean, how could you not?), it’s the Cher song that goes:

Do you belieeeeeeve in life after love?

The next part is tricky though, she either sings:

I can feel something inside myself – I really don’t think it’s strong enough…

OR

I can feel something inside me say(ing) – I really don’t think it’s strong enough…

It’d be easy to Google the lyrics and find out the truth, but I don’t want to know what the answer is. I remember being drunk in college and hearing that song, and debating the lyrics with my old buddies. And recently, while in Vegas, Ryan and I deliberated what she was saying while enjoying a meal at Olives in The Bellagio. I guess just like the Kennedy assassination, some questions are best left unanswered.

What the hell am I talking about? I can’t believe I just wrote that last paragraph. I really hope this conversation hasn’t caused you to have a total loss of respect for me, musically or otherwise. Okay, I am going to listen “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel, to go feel better about myself.

Relationship/Dating Thought of the Week:

I’m continually asked by my family and friends the status of my dating life. Fair enough. I know a third of them are asking because they care about me, a third of them are asking because they are itching for additional family members; be-it in the form of a: sister-in-law, a grandchild, or other, and the other third are still trying to conclude whether or not I am gay.

But there is this weird, yet strangely enjoyable, dating purgatory that exists between girlfriend status and friendship status. It’s that period of time when you have gone on more than a handful of dates, the other person has met most of your friends, there has been ample physical interaction, you can genuinely relax when you are at their place, you tell some of your edgier stories and past relationship experiences, and you start honestly showcasing your “real” personality.

Now it is easy for other single people in my age group to understand the philosophies, geography, and characteristics that accompany Dante’s Divine Dating Purgatory because they’ve all recently been there; but trying to explain this limbo-land to a married person or someone in their 40’s, is like trying to explain the appeal of Napoleon Dynamite. So I have to put into terms they’ll understand.

You can’t say you’re “dating” the person because dating implies commitment – which, good or bad, you don’t have yet. Saying your “seeing” the person sounds impersonal and outdated. I suppose you can say you’re “hanging out” or “spending time together”, but that sounds like code for watching Brokeback Mountain with your best guy friend. So what do you say that can be understood by all, yet keep you out of an unintentional DTR (defining the relationship)? Usually I settle on the “we’re getting to know each other” tag. Safe. Simple. Open-ended. Vague. But if anyone else out there has any good dating titles/adjectives that have historically worked for them – I’d love to hear it.

Something New Debut

2006-01-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

Like Lindsay Lohan at a Hollywood party, I am going to try something new. In order to keep me on a consistent writing schedule and to continue polishing my writing skills, every week I am going to “award/answer” 7 things-of-week. For example: Quote of the Week, Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week, etc. I will still write about other topics, but once a week I will attempt to hit on these predetermined themes.

Hopefully this will go over well and everyone will enjoy it.

I do ask though that if you can think of any funny or interesting topics for me write about, like, “Annoying Public Figure of the Week” or “Sports Cliché of the Week” or “Burnt-out Celebrity of the Week,” please let me know and I’ll add it to my list.

Quote of the Week:

“I just had a periodontal orgasm.”

- Ryan, after removing a large piece of movie theater popcorn from his teeth while we were watching Syriana

Movie/TV Show of the Week:

Syriana

If you are looking for a Traffic-wannabe, with a confusing and unclear plot, too many similar characters, undeveloped and wandering subplots, vague dialog, with no emotional impact, and an all-star cast, then Syriana is definitely a movie you’d enjoy.

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Underrated – New Years Eve Celebrations

Much to my chagrin, there is a strange anti-New Years Eve/New Years Eve celebration backlash circulating around the country. Recently, Sports Illustrated Peter King had this to say about New Years Eve partying:

“New Year's Eve is so far overrated it's dangerous. Very dangerous. Does America really need another reason to get totally lit?”

A few days later, my friend Beth emailed me the following New Years sentiments:

“New year’s is one of the most over-rated holidays. At least with Valentine’s Day, it started out celebrating the life of an actual saint. New year’s is just designed to fool people into believing that they’ve gotten a fresh start, a whole new year to forget the disappointments of the old and start anew, but really, they have that chance to have a better life every single day that they wake up.”

New Years is one of my favorite holidays – and not because it usually involves getting drunk. From a practical standpoint: I love counting down with champaign in hand, I love screaming “Happy New Year!”, followed by hugging my friends and family (occasionally kissing someone), then hugging and congratulating total strangers, and singing “Auld Lang Syne." In a time when everyone is quick to be overly critical of life, fun extinguish, and be excessively politically correct, I think it’s refreshing to have a holiday where you hug and say “Happy New Year!” to total strangers, and where you get thousands of people to congregate and celebrate a new year together; regardless of their religious views, economic status, area of the country, age, etc. New Years is one of the few holidays that brings the entire world together (how many other events do that?) – and that should be embraced, not criticized - even if the celebration may include excessive alcohol and finding someone to kiss at midnight.

From a philosophical standpoint, New Years can be symbolic of a fresh start. My friend Beth is correct in saying that every day of the year offers the same opportunity for a new beginning as New Years does. But just like celebrating your birthday is not actually celebrating your age (we are all 9 months older than our birthday), it does represent a milestone in our lives. It allows us to reflect on the past year, and gives us the vision to see how we might make the coming year better. Symbols are important to a lot of people – whether it’s a wedding ring, a college mascot, or even a tattoo. For many, New Years is symbolic of hope; and a time for self-improvement, renewing life goals, and acting on procrastinated dreams. And like Andy Dufresne once said, “hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things.”

I guess I don’t understand why people are so down on New Years.

Or maybe it’s because I spent the last two in Las Vegas – I don’t know …

(And to call New Years “very dangerous” is part of the problem with the world and the media today. Stop over-exaggerating and sensationalizing – has anyone ever said to themselves, “Good God, New Years Eve is very dangerous – I need to go to Iraq just to get out of harms way.”

Not everything is bad, evil, wrong, immoral, and worthy of a 60 Minutes or Dateline special. Quit sucking the life out of life! Please.

It’s also pretty smug of a guy who covers professional football for a living to call into question how often Americans drink – tailgating, the Super Bowl, anyone?)

Unanswered Question of the Week:

Why do we call Southern France the South of France? We don’t say the South of Chicago or the South of America.

Song of the Week:

“Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues

I still don’t know how to feel about the soap opera theme music at the beginning of the song, or understand the Walt Disney World-like monologue/music at the end, but the slow, deliberate pacing of the song, and the melancholy lyrics in the verses, are dang near perfect - despite its 7:00+ minute running time. Not to mention it’s really easy get this stuck in your head:

’cause I love you!
Yes, I love you!
Oooooooooooooooooh, how, I love you!!!

(In doing some research, evidently the song is a tale of a yearning, tortous, unrequited love from afar. Oh.

And the Disney-like diatribe at the end of the song is actually a spoken poem called, “Late Lament” which was written by Moody Blues drummer Graeme Edge (nice name) and read by keyboardist Mike Pinder.)

Food Item of the Week:

I attended a wedding on Saturday where the groom was a typical country-western fella, and the bride was Hispanic. At the reception, the first part of the buffet contained fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy. The second half of the table was filled with Mexican food.

Freakin’ hilarious.

Relationship/Dating Thought of the Week:

Call me old fashion, but I still embrace most chivalrous gestures. I enjoy paying for dates; someday I will ask my girlfriend’s parents for permission to marry and when the time comes, I will drop to one knee to propose; and if I am on a sinking ship, I have no problem with the whole “women and children first” thing.

However, what I won’t support is opening the car door for my date. It’s not because I am selfish or macho or a chauvinist, it’s because nowadays it doesn’t make any logical sense to do that. And maybe that’s my problem, since dating and logic seldom align.

Anyway, I have remote entry to my car; which means the car doors unlock long before we arrive to get into the car. In the pre-remote-entry days, a gentleman would walk his date to her side of the car, unlock her door, assist her into the car, and then close the door once she gets settled. I suspect the purpose of this tradition was to prevent the women from unnecessarily standing in the cold, rain, snow, hail, heat, wind, etc., while the guy walks to his car door, unlocks it, gets in, and then eventually gets around to unlocking his dates’ door so she can get in. But since I have remote entry, my date gets into the car the exact same time I do. She doesn’t have to wait or stand in inclement weather – so why am I still opening her car door? It still makes sense for me to open all other doors for my date (i.e. – entering a restaurant), but now that technology allows us both to enter a vehicle simultaneously, why should I have to unnecessarily open the car door for her? Isn’t it sort of selfish of women to ask men to stand out in the weather when we don’t have to?

Unfortunately, on most dates I still uninspired-ly go through the motions of opening car doors because I want to make a good impression. But truth be told, I think it’s an outdated practice, and I’d rather save opening car doors only for a special occasions.

The Tragic Kingdom

2006-01-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

Where did I leave that dang soapbox? …. I know I put it around here somewhere … Oh … good … there it is.

I am begging the national media – yes, I’m talking to you CNN, CNBC, Fox news, ABC news and CBS news – to stop calling every unfortunate event a tragedy! It’s driving me crazy! Just because a person/people die young, die in accidents, die on TV, get murdered by a spouse, etc., does not make the incident a tragedy! I’m sorry, it doesn’t.

Here are a couple of recent events to illustrate my point.

- In December, a Southwest airplane slid off the runway at Chicago-Midway, broke through a barrier wall separating the runway from the street, and ended-up crashing into, and crushing, two passing vehicles. In one of the cars were some children, and a six-year old boy died from the injuries he sustained from the plane hitting his car.

Definitely a horrible accident, but the anchorman at Fox kept calling this an unspeakable tragedy. WTF?! One person died! That’s all! The 100+ inside the plane pretty much walked-off uninjured, the plane (that was going over 100 knots) didn’t hit more than two cars during rush hour, and there was no major loss of property. How is that a tragedy? Think of how much worse this scenario could have been – and what you are imagining in your mind right now is probably a lot closer to a tragedy than what actually happened.

- Earlier this week, a dozen miners died in a West Virginia coal mine. Putting aside the major “miscommunication” problem that took a traumatic event and made it worse for the coal miner’s families; 12 miners dying in a high-risk profession is not exactly a tragedy either.

Now before anyone starts accusing me of being cold-hearted, let me explain what I think constitutes a tragedy …

For the families of the coal miners and the family of the child who died outside of Midway Airport, losing their loved ones IS A TRAGEDY. But a personal tragedy. When my mom died almost five years ago, her death was a tragedy to our family. Another personal tragedy. And if it was the family members of the victims reporting the news, I would fully and rightfully expect them to call these events tragedies. But it’s not. It is news anchors, whose job it is to report news to the entire country. People in California wouldn’t call a coal mining accident in West Virginia a tragedy. People in Manhattan wouldn’t call the plane accident in Chicago one either. Five or ten years from now, only the people directly involved with these events will ever remember they happened. And that fact alone should tell you that all these sad events, while unfortunate, are not tragedies.

So how many people have to die in order to call something a tragedy? Well, it depends – and here is why …

A tragedy is not simply defined by dead bodies. It can be. But not necessarily. For something to truly be a tragedy, the event must affect a lot of people. It must leave a lasting impression. It may be a spiritual loss. A loss of money or property. A symbolic loss. Or a loss of innocence. And most of the time, a combination of a few.

Let me give you some familiar examples of tragedies and non-tragedies …

John Lennon’s death: TRAGEDY

Perfect example of how it’s not the amount of people who died, but rather who died. Lennon’s death counts as a tragedy because his music meant so much and touched millions of people across the world. His influence, both musically and socially, made a lot of people’s lives better. Lennon’s songs brought joy and smiles, and spoke of love and peace, and we all lost something when he was killed - even through it was only one death.

9/11: TRAGEDY

Obviously. I don’t think I need to explain why this counts a tragedy. But lets consult the tragedy checklist anyway …

Mass Loss of Life – Check
Unforgettable Images – Check
Passes the “Where were you when …” Test – Check
Symbolic Loss – Check
Defines a Period of Time – Check
Changed Many Lives Forever – Check
Part of National Consciousness – Check
Commemorate the Anniversary - Check

93’ World Trade Center Bombing: NOT A TRAGEDY

Anytime a terrorist act occurs, it’s a sad day. Yes, some people died, and the bomb destroyed a large part of the WTC parking garage, and scared a lot of people, but it serves more as a creepy foreshadow to 9/11 instead of a tragedy.

Challenger Disaster: TRAGEDY

Ask anyone between the ages of 28-38 and they will probably tell you a story about how their entire school was watching the Challenger launch when it exploded. For a lot of people in my age group, it’s the first major event they remember in their life. Add in the Cold War, the fact a school teacher was onboard and that the space program had much more national interest in ‘86 then it has nowadays, and the graphic images of the Challenger exploding across the sky – and it’s fairly easy to see how this was a tragedy that affected the entire nation.

Columbia Disaster: NOT A TRAGEDY

Challenger was the first space accident to happen on TV, in a time when people cared about the space shuttle program. By the time Columbia broke-up in the atmosphere early one morning, it was sad and unfortunate, but compared to impact that Challenger had on this country, no one was even all that shocked. In fact, the lack of “shock” by the American people caused NASA to reevaluate the entire space program and figure out what the hell they are doing. Not exactly a national tragedy.

Columbine: TRAGEDY

Sure there were other school shootings before Columbine, but Columbine changed everything. As a country we reevaluated our gun control laws, we took a closer look at bullying in school, whether schools should have metal detectors and video cameras installed, and wondered how the killers’ parents could have missed the warning signs. The images of the students frantically running from the school became burned into our collective memory. The tales of killers asking students if they “believe in God” before shooting them, became regular conversation topics and the subjects of many books. We even turned the word “Columbine” into a verb. After Columbine, high school in this country would never be the same – definitely a tragedy.

Oklahoma City Bombing: TRAGEDY

Not only an act of terrorism, but domestic terrorism. When everyone was sure it was a militant Muslim responsible for the bombing, it turned out it was Gulf War veteran from Kansas who was angry about the debacle in Waco, who terrorized Oklahoma City. Add in the picture of the firefighter carrying out the dead baby in his arms and the picture of the building ripped in two, in combination with how many adults and children died, and you have the most tragic act of domestic terrorism in our history.

So I hope these examples clarify what constitutes a tragedy and what doesn’t. Everyone needs to settle down and quit over-sensationalizing every bad thing that happens in the world. Death is part of life, and not every unforeseen death is a tragedy. Sometimes people die before they should. Sometimes innocent people die for no rhyme or reason. I am begging everyone to save the “unspeakable tragedy” verbiage for the events that are true tragedies.

Here is another way of looking at it. If you go around telling everyone you like, that you love them, it takes away the impact of when you say, “I love you” to someone and really mean it. Same thing with a tragedy.

Finally, A New Post ...

2005-12-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

Remember in Forrest Gump, when Jenny leaves Forrest (after they get-it-on which results in Forrest Jr. being born) and Forrest aimlessly walks around his house, staring at Jenny’s former bedroom, with this blank and heartbroken look on his face, having no idea what to do with his life; and eventually Forrest has to run across the U.S a half-dozen times before his heart heals and he can return home … Well, since my last post almost a month ago, I’ve been metaphorically and figuratively jogging around the country. Sadly, I wasn’t able to come up with any clever “Have a Nice Day” t-shirts or any cool slogans like “$hit Happens,” that would make me rich, but my time was well-spent nonetheless.

Being the Christmas season and all, I’m not going to delve into the unfortunate series of events that led to my “jog,” but lets just say that now I feel like Superman in Superman II when he finds that weird, glowing, green crystal and suddenly gets his superpowers back - after inexplicably giving them up for Lois Lane (nice job, lady – you fall in love with Superman and then make him give-up his superhero abilities … yep, Lois is your typical woman). So I feel great, and I’m ready to bend some metal, fly all around, wear a red cape, and do some writing.

Okay, so lets play a little catch-up (I apologize if I am a little rusty):

First, a big, Kathy Bates-sized thank you to everyone who emailed me and posted comments asking me to write again. You know who you are – THANK YOU! Your comments really meant a lot.

Secondly, in October, I wrote that my recent vacation schedule closely resembles a Super Bowl rotation; in that I keep vacationing to Chicago, Kansas and Vegas – just like the Super Bowl seemingly rotates through Miami, New Orleans and San Diego (which in German of course means whale’s vagina). Well, I went to Kansas in November, Chicago for Thanksgiving, and on the 31st, Ryan and I head to Vegas to celebrate New Years!!!

Please keep Ryan and me in your thoughts and prayers as we try our hardest to fend off long-term liver damage, a full-fledged gambling addiction, and as Jimmy Dugan once pontificated, “avoid the clap.”

Thirdly, after a two-year hiatus, I’m back on the dating scene. I’m like Michael Jordan returning to the NBA after he spent a few years in retirement and playing baseball. So be ready to read all about the fascinating dating world; as I try to get into mid-season form, work on my jump shot and defense, polish-up my highlight reel dunks, perfect my dribbling skills, and once again try to become the greatest player in the world. Okay, maybe I was never the dating equivalent of Michael Jordan, but you get my drift.

Fourth, did you know that the A.C in A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell stands for: Albert Clifford? And that Goose’s full name from Top Gun is Nick Bradshaw?

Finally, have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year. In the omniscient words of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas,” I hope everyone “dons their gay apparel” and remembers to, “don’t go until you get some.” Be safe. Hug it out with your family members. And don’t forget to tell everyone you love, that you do in fact, love them.

I’ll be back on a regular writing schedule soon – so please stop by again soon!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Tantra Baby!

2005-11-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

I was recently having an email debate with my friend, Beth, who is a big Sting fan. Yes, there are actually big Sting fans, or, at least one anyway. After I called Sting a pretentious guy who takes himself way too seriously; and every one of his songs since 1996 has pretty much sounded the same – Beth accused me of being jealous of his tantric abilities.

Whoa, whoa, whoa – am not!

I gotta be honest, I don’t want to have sex for five straight hours, or six, or seven, or however long Sting and other tantric-maniacs claim their sex lasts. I’m sorry. I don’t. I’m busy. I have things to get done. I don’t have the time, the attention span, or the desire to be bumping uglies for that long. I think from first kiss (or first “action”) initiating sex, to me finishing my sandwich, the elapsed-time should only be say … 2 hours … 2 hours and fifteen minutes … at most two and half hour - tops.

Sure there are going to be exceptions when it may last a lot longer than that (honeymoon, anniversaries, drunken nights), or a lot shorter than that (public sex, quickies, drunken nights, during a commercial break of the KU basketball game), but I’d say on average, 75 minutes is perfect for me. I am all about efficiency, and if both parties involved can leave totally satisfied within 75 minutes, why waste 5 hours? I have other stuff in life that needs my time and attention.

Now before all the women start emailing me, saying I’ll never get laid again, consider this:

How many things in life do you actually want to spend five consecutive hours doing?

I started to come-up with a list. Here is what I have so far …

- A Godfather Marathon
- Sleep
- A Soprano’s Marathon

That’s it.

As much as I love gambling, I don’t want to play blackjack for 5 straight hours unless I am on one helluva of a winning streak. Sporting events usually don’t last 5 hours. Reading for that amount of time eventually puts you to sleep. Meals don’t last that long. Heck, neither does church. Do you ever want to have a heart-to-heart conversation with a significant-other that lasts 300 minutes? (Women don’t answer that) And how many people would work less than 5 hours a day if given the choice? My point is, while sex is very special and I certainly want my partner to be totally satisfied, I don’t want to spend hour-upon-hour doing it. I love sex, but I love doing a lot of other things in life, too. Between 45 minutes and 2 hours is just about right.

Lets look at it this way. I am of the opinion that unless it’s an epic, movies shouldn’t never-ever reach the three hour mark. Same with sex. If you are telling the story of The Titanic or William Wallace, it’s understandable that you are going to need some time to do the film correctly. Just like if you are intimately commemorating something epic with your significant-other, you are going to need time to develop sub-plots, build tension, get in the right mood, work on character arcs, establish a good soundtrack, and so forth. But just like every movie isn’t a three-hour epic, every sex session shouldn’t be either. We all get antsy and our minds start to wander when a movie drags too long, same thing in the bedroom.

Maybe I am missing something crucial about this whole tantra-thing, but it seems to me that tantra, just like Sting, is overrated and long winded.

The Kansas Trip, Part 3 (and Final Chapter)

2005-11-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Driving into work this morning I was listening to CNN Headline News on my brand new XM Satellite Radio and caught the highlights of a recent George W. Bush press conference. Inspired by the intelligent back and forth between the ole’ commander and chief and the White House press corp, I decided to write Part 3 of the Kansas trip like a press conference …

Q: We all know that you, and the others who joined you on the trip, are notoriously responsible when it comes to drinking – did you take any precautions to make sure you didn’t drink and drive while you were in Kansas City.

A: Yes. Despite the fact our hotel was within a short drive of Westport, Kansas City, we took a cab both to and from the bars.

Q: What was your Kansas City cab experience like?

A: Good question. I accidentally left the digital camera in hotel room, so Ryan and I had to take a cab back to the hotel to get it. We made small talk with the cabbie and revealed that we were KU fans in town to watch the KU/Nebraska game on Saturday. While we ran into the hotel to retrieve the camera, our cab driver called his friend who is a fan of the University of Missouri – a KU rival. Upon our return, we had the following conversation:

CAB DRIVER: I was just on the phone with my friend who graduated from Missouri. I told him I had a couple of Jayhawk fans in my cab. He wanted to know if you guys ever get tired of asking, “Would you like fries with that?”

BILL: That’s really original. What does your friend do for a living?

CAB DRIVER: He drives a cab.

(This is the point in the story where Bill and Ryan try their hardest not to tear an oblique stomach muscle laughing)

BILL and RYAN (laughing and sarcastic): Ohhhhhhh, okay!

CAB DRIVER: There’s good money to be made in driving a cab, ya know. My friend just bought a Lincoln!

RYAN: Is it yellow?

Q: That obviously was the perfect comeback; but after clearly winning the good-natured teasing, did you fear for your life?

A: Despite the fact the cabbie got amazingly defensive and annoyed after Ryan’s zinger, and that we couldn’t stop laughing at him, we never thought he’d pull over and kill us. We give a lot of credit to the Kansas City cab companies for hiring pacifist Missouri fan sympathizers.

Q: How’s the diversity amongst the Kansas City cab drivers?

A: It’s great. At the end of the night, we got into a cab driven by a Muslim. Great guy. Bryn dazzled him with her knowledge of ritual fasting, which he very much respected. He was taken by Bryn and that a cute, blonde, American, Midwest girl would have such knowledge of his religion and its people. To show his appreciation, as we exited the cab, he proudly declared a jihad on Bryn’s vagina.

Q: Did you get ripped-off at all during the trip?

A: Yes. Isn’t it annoying and a total waste of money, when you put money into a juke-box and never hear your songs? I stuck in $5 and got like 15 songs – none of which I heard. Really irked me off. It’s like ordering original recipe chicken from KFC, only to get home and find out they gave you extra crispy. Very unsatisfying.

Q: Jasmine is known, the world over, for being … well … frankly, for being a wee-bit slutty at times. Did Jasmine do anything that would add to her legend?

A: I’ll let the historians decide what Jasmine’s legacy will be. I will say that on Friday night, Jasmine did excessively make-out with her Best in Show. For those of you who aren’t fans of dog shows (neither am I, by the way), the Best in Show is the best looking person you see at a bar. I was more than a little intoxicated at the time, so I can’t confirm if Jasmine and her Best in Show, had wandering hands, ran-off to the bathroom for a little afternoon delight (even though it was early morning), or repeatedly dry-humped on the dance floor; but all accounts so far point to Jasmine keeping her crotch to herself. I give Jasmine credit for showing restraint when kissing her Best in Show – it’s not easy to do.

Speaking of restraint and Jasmine, on our last night in Lawrence, she shattered the record for the fastest pick-up time; when she picked-up a not-21-year-old guy in about 1.653546223 seconds. The guy was just sitting there enjoying the night, when out of no where, Jasmine comes up and starts talking to him. The guy was so happy that he had the same look on his face that a 10-year old has after they ride Space Mountain for the first time. Later when he text-messaged Jasmine (or vice versa) and a hook-up was discussed, Jasmine defied all odds and stayed in our hotel room. I think the reason she said no was either 1) she didn’t want to have to deal with his parents 2) it would have been difficult to slip a big-headed, redhead past dorm security. But I don’t want to speculate.

Q: You mentioned earlier religious diversity; did you encounter any other religions on your trip?

A: As we were leaving the bars on Friday night, I was immediately stopped by a Christian women armed with a Bible. She firmly asked me if I knew that God, “Was against alcohol?” My response was, “Do you know what Jesus’ first miracle was?” The blank look on her face after I said that is not unlike the look someone gets when trying to read a foreign subway map. So I told her, “Jesus turned water into wine. I doubt Jesus is against alcohol when he chose to create it as his first miracle.” As amusing as that was, that first exchange is symbolic of the whole conversation we had with this woman and set the tone for the entire chat. Long story, short – Ryan and I blissfully debated Christianity with her for 20 minutes as we ordered hot dogs for the cab ride back to the hotel – we even drew a crowd!

I don’t have a problem with missionary work or people trying to spread the word of God (one of my best friends, Nicole, loves mission work), but a few things struck me about this encounter:

1) Waiting for drunk people outside of a bar probably isn’t the best venue for these discussions. Has anyone been totally plowed, about ready to take home their Best in Show for the night, had a brief chat with a Christian on the street corner, and said, “screw this, I am going to sober-up, send this ridiculously attractive person home by him/herself, and ask Jesus into my heart? I seriously doubt it (plus, debating a drunk person is an exhausting task in itself). If you are going to do mission work, why not spend your valuable time and energy working with the homeless, or with prostitutes, or with convicts, or with any other group that is going to yield a higher success rate and really give you a shot to influence someone’s life? Isn’t preaching to the drunk as they leave a bar/club, like me going to a KState or Missouri game, and trying to convince their fans to become Jayhawk fans as they leave the arena? Wouldn’t I have a better chance of getting someone to attend or support KU by going to high schools, junior colleges, employment agencies, or talking to people with no college experience? Of course I would.

2) If you are going to try to convert people on the street corner, be knowledgeable about your subject matter. I am sure this lady’s heart was in the right place, but she knew nothing about evolution, very little about what the Bible says on certain topics, i.e. – slavery (this lady was black, by the way), and not much about Christian history or philosophy. Not to mention, she had very poor speaking skills. Again, if I am trying to recruit someone to go to or support KU, I am not going to send out the students on academic probation to try to get people to embrace Jayhawk-anity.

Q: One of the reasons you guys took the trip when you did was so you could watch the Kansas Jayhawk vs. Nebraska Cornhusker football game. When was the last time the Jayhawks beat Nebraska in football?

A: The last time Kansas beat Nebraska in football was two months after the signing of the Declaration of Independence – James Madison was even at the game. We have black and white pictures hanging up in the student union of the future president waving his wheat after the game winning field goal.

Q: What was your impression of the Nebraska fans?

Well to be brutally honest, the traveling Cornhusker fans may be the most unattractive fan base in the United States today. I think on a per-tooth basis, their mouths have the fewest in the country. In fact, I’m sending a letter to ABC tomorrow, demanding they do an Extreme Makeover: Nebraska Students and Alumni.

I was also surprised by how quiet they were. I didn’t think 5,000 people at a sporting event could make so little noise. Maybe the fact the KU football team was beating them like it was basketball season had something to with their deafening silence … I’m not sure.

But they were very nice people for showing up.

Q: So for anyone who may have missed it, what was the final score of the game?

A: It was 247-3. Kansas!

Okay, I can’t lie, it was 104-15. Kansas. We would have scored 243 points if it wasn’t for that pesky 60 minute game rule they have in football.

Rock Chalk, Jayhawk!

Q: So Kansas ended their long losing streak to Nebraska … did any other streaks come to an end at the game?

A: Sadly yes. Bryn is one of the most coordinated people in world, not working for Cirque du Soleil. Bryn hasn’t accidentally spilt anything on anyone since she was a two-year old sitting in a high chair.

During halftime, she and Ryan went off to get some food from the concession stand and purchased a basket full of tacos. As she made her way through the people sitting in our row and to our seats, she somehow lost her balance and ended-up spraying tacos on at least four people plus Ryan. She had purchased three tacos and after the incident only one remained – that’s how bad the spill was. Taco sauce, lettuce, ground beef, taco shells and tomatoes, were launched everywhere. It seriously looked like someone tried to put out a fire using only taco ingredients.

Not only was Bryn nearly brought to tears by the embarrassment of hosing down a half-dozen Jayhawk fans with taco guts, but evidently the fans weren’t too pleased or sympathetic to her either - despite her repeated apologies. I guess I can’t really blame them though - I think we’d all be pretty upset if we were watching Kansas absolutely destroy one of the most storied football programs in college football history, and before we knew it, we were up to my waste in taco toppings, courtesy of some skinny blonde.

Poor Bryn.

Q: Getting back to the game itself, how did it feel to watch this ridiculously one-sided game, where the Jayhawks dominated from start to finish, and not only broke the spirit of the Cornhusker football team, but possibly even the entire state of Nebraska?

A: It was probably the greatest football game I’ve ever attended. We were on our feet, screaming at the top of our lungs, and clapping, for three straight hours. And thanks to the pathetic Nebraska football team, we waved our wheat so much that I thought I was developing a mild case of tennis elbow. Luckily we had a hot tub at the hotel, but I digress. Two of the best indicators of a really fun sporting event are 1) you lose your voice cheering 2) you get so excited, you joyfully high-five strangers – both of those things occurred at the KU/Nebraska game. And when Nebraska finally begged for mercy, like William Wallace screaming “FREEDOM!” at the end of Braveheart, we charged the field, we tore down the goalposts, we carried the goalposts out the stadium, and threw one of them in Potter Lake … so the victory felt pretty good.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes the state of Nebraska and the Cornhusker football team, years to recover from an ass-whooping like that. They may even need to seek-out professional psychological treatment – we’ll see.

I have time for one more question.

Q: Besides Bryn spilling half a Taco Bell restaurant on strangers and her boyfriend, any other memorable interactions occur between your group and Kansas fans?

A: The group of guys sitting right in front of us brought their own Jack and Coke to the game since Memorial Stadium is a dry facility. Actually, they brought their own Jack and poured it into a Coke they purchased at the game – yuck. Anyway, by the mid-third quarter, these barely 18-year olds were all drunk off their asses (a sign of inexperienced drinkers). On or about this time is when Kansas really started putting the screws to Nebraska and it was getting more and more apparent that a Kansas victory was looming.

Let the trash talking begin!

Like I said earlier, we were all very rowdy and talking crap about Nebraska, but these drunk idiots in front of us were making the stupidest declarations in the history of taunting and mocking. I was embarrassed these guys were rooting for Kansas. For about 20-30 minutes straight, this one drunk guy could only loudly scream the following three phrases:

“Go Home!”
“F*ck Nebraska!”
“It’s Over!”

I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I’m not – that is literally all this guy could say! And to make matters worse; he wasn’t funny and was trying really, really hard to jinx us. When you haven’t beaten a team since John Quincy Adams was a teenager, you really don’t want to tempt fate.

Since all four of us laughing at him and making fun of his bonehead, drunk chants wasn’t working in quieting him down, Jasmine decided to take matters into her own hand, or more accurately, her own mouth. Jasmine took a big sip of her Sprite and spit it onto the back of the idiot’s head and neck. She did it once, twice, three times a spitter. Not only did it shut him up and require him and his friends to move a few rows down, but somehow he also never figured out that it was Jasmine spitting on him! Great move on Jasmine’s part.

I’m not advocating spitting on drunk, obnoxious college freshman, but in this instance it was certainly justified. Our entire section of fans genuinely appreciated Jasmine’s crowd control creativity.

That’s all the time I have for questions. Goodbye and thank you for coming.

Kansas, Part Deux

2005-11-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

I think the best way to start part 2 is to show a picture …

You know what this is? Next to the wheel, electricity, air conditioning and Las Vegas, it’s the greatest invention in the history of the world – The Holy Grail – 32 ounces of pure joy. The Holy Grail represents all that is good, right and moral in this country.

A few things you should know about Holy Grails:

1) They are actually called “Schooners.” However, we changed the name because after drinking one you feel that you just drank God’s water and you may actually have eternal life. Remember the smile on Indiana Jones’ face after he drinks from the real Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – it’s just like that, only 10 times better and with a buzz.

2) On Thursday night, Louise’s only charges $1.75 for a Holy Grail. Good God. In NYC they’d charge $11, in Denver they’d charge $8, in Kansas it’s $1.75 on Thursday or $3 on every other night. And you wonder why Jayhawks have such great school sprit and why we keep going back to Lawrence after we graduate.

3) Our current group record for Holy Grails consumed in one night is 3. For girls it’s 2. No one has ever attempted to drink 4, because after drinking 96 ounces of beer, you feel really full and bloated. No girl has drank 3 out of fear of liver implosion or death.

4) It is tradition to steal a Holy Grail. Once you do, the Holy Grail will look over you and keep you safe for the rest of your days. On the flip side, if you break a Grail or treat it with disrespect, a dark cloud will forever hover over you and you will have bad luck until the Jayhawks win the national championship. It’s a proven scientific fact - just ask our friends Julie and Nicole.

So after checking into the Springhill Suites, Marriott in downtown Lawrence and eating a very satisfying meal at the Mass St. Deli, we headed to Louise’s for the night. Jasmine and Bryn walked-in with purses the size of a medium-sized Asian man - two guesses on why they’d be carrying such large purses. If you are still stuck, see 4) above.

Anyway, during the course of the evening Ryan and I both put down three Holy Grails and felt pretty good about it, too. A solid, all-star performance on our part. Though the true superstars of the evening were the girls. Like a woman trying to seduce Nathan Lane, Bryn and Jasmine dared to go where no woman has ever gone before - and drank 3 Grails! Not only that, but Jasmine didn’t sleep with anyone and Bryn didn’t throw up all over Lawrence. Un-freakin’-believable.

Was it the altitude? Was it is the Pyramid Pizza afterwards? Or was it the unique and omniscient power of the Holy Grail that allowed Bryn and Jasmine to accomplish this Herculean-like task? I think it was the latter, but you be the judge.

After the girls indefinitely borrowed their Holy Grails from Louise’s, we made a run to the Red Lyon – another bar on the other side of the street. Like an Ethiopian at Thanksgiving dinner, we rapidly ate 9 baskets of popcorn and spread-out all over the bar. Bryn and Jasmine went over to talk with this borderline-cute guy. Here is their exchange:

Jasmine (drunk and cocky): I’m thirsty.

Random Guy (offended, yet gazing adoringly at Jasmine): Aren’t you with those two guys?

(Bryn giggling in the background)

Jasmine: They aren’t buying us drinks.

Random Guy: No, I can't. I’m super-gay!

Now we’ve all had to repel women who are only into us for the drinks, but I don’t think loudly screaming, “I’m super-gay,” is the best way of going about it. Be confident. Be indifferent. Be proud. Be logical. Be married. Don’t claim to be the gay-est guy this side of Val Kilmer in Top Gun, when you’re obviously not – it just invites jokes, ridicule, a loss of respect, and weird looks from your friends.

Friday

The first question I asked myself as I woke up Friday morning was, “how in the world did these two Kansas cheerleaders get into my bed?” The second and third questions were, “are Bryn and Jasmine still alive,” and “if so, are they useless for the rest of the trip?”

Strangely, Bryn and Jasmine were mostly fine. Ryan and I were interacting with Bryn and Jasmine like the crew in Alien after the face-hugger falls off that guy’s head and he’s acting normal as if nothing ever happened. We were all hungry and slightly dehydrated, but besides that, everyone was ready to take on the day. We kept waiting for an alien to burst out of Bryn and Jasmine’s chest, but it never did. You gotta love the power of the Holy Grail.

While visiting a souvenir store, a heavy-set gentleman in his 50s came up to the four of us and asked us if we worked there:

“Nope,” we said.

“You don’t?”

“No, we still don’t.”

“You don’t work here?”

“No!”

“Any of you work here?”

“No!”

(Visibly annoyed like we were lying) “I guess you guys don’t work here then.”

Just like I hate getting asked if my car belongs to me, I hate being asked if I work someplace just because I am young and smiling. It’s not like we were wearing red and khakis at Target, we were wearing regular clothes and weren’t wearing a name tag! Besides looking young, what else implied that we worked at this store?

A few stores later, that same guy came into a store we were already shopping in. As Ryan was paying for his souvenirs, Bryn and Jasmine went over to heckle the guy. As Bryn made polite, over-the-top insincere conversation (as he stared at Bryn’s rack), Jasmine jumped into the chat and asked him 8 times if he worked there. I’m-laughing-so-hard-I’m-crying-hilarious. The guy was such an idiot that he had no clue why Jasmine randomly kept asking him if he worked there, because he was soooo preoccupied in to telling Bryn all about himself. Every time Jasmine asked if he worked there, he’d repeat that he coached high school track and keep talking. So Jasmine would interrupt and retort with, “that’s great, but do you work HERE?” By the time we left, all four of us were openly making fun of him and even the store cashier was even getting into the laughter.

Switching gears a bit - Don’t you love those people in your life that no matter how much time has passed, or no matter how much has changed in your lives, when you encounter that person again, it’s as if almost no time has passed at all and you talk like you just spoke yesterday. Those types of connections are really special. Sometimes they are with old high school friends. Sometimes it’s with a family member you don’t see very often. Sometimes it’s with someone that for whatever reason you share a bond.

In my case, it was with someone I had dated, lived with, and loved, when I was a senior at KU. I hadn’t really spoken to her in over five years - sure we exchanged the occasional informative and polite email over the years, and even swapped pleasantries at a wedding we both attended, but for about 1,246 reasons, we hadn’t really spoken since we broke-up and I moved away from Kansas 5+ years ago. She’s married with kids now so I don’t have any steamy stories for you, but I will say it was great spending a short amount of time with her.
She called me after we just got done walking around the Greatest College Campus Ever Conceived by Man and were just about to head to Kansas City for the night. I ended-up seeing her for about an hour and a half total on two separate occasions, but it was amazing to me how we were able to joke around, ask about each other’s families, reminisce about the past, and catch-up, as if I just saw her last month. I even recognized her trademark laugh, which I thought I had long since forgotten.

I have no idea if I’ll ever see or talk to this person again. But just like not getting a speeding ticket in Western Kansas, Jasmine and Bryn not having an alien launch out of their chests after drinking three Holy Grails, and the gas prices in Kansas ($2.35 a gallon for premium unleaded), spending time with this person was one the pleasant surprises of the trip.

The Final Chapter in the Kansas Saga Coming Soon!

Kansas, Part I – The Road Trip

2005-11-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

Like chopsticks and baseball, Americans have a romantic attachment to road trips. Is it the seedy truck stops where you wonder if the people who work there actually know what year it is and who is president? Is it the junk food? Is it that neat feeling of watching a “Welcome to …” sign come and go out of your window? Is it the borderline cheesy, yet strangely effective, games you play to pass the time? Is it the camaraderie that comes with spending hour upon hour stuck in a car? Is it the rest areas? The billboards? The tumbleweed? I don’t have any answers for you – but all I can say is I do love road trips. And on 8 a.m. on Thursday morning, we began our 8 hour road trip to Lawrence, Kansas. Here is what transpired …

Before we get started, let me introduce the starting line-up. Joining me on this journey is:

He’s a 6’2, cerebral, senior web developer, hailing from the proud state of Oregon. His hobbies include Vodka Tonics, blondes, spiking his hair, successfully wearing wristbands, giving girls wedgies, taking awesome photographs, techno dancing, and becoming a world champion heckler when he’s drunk. This is Ryan!

Weighing in at a Nicole Ritchie-like 100 pounds, she’s an overly efficient and productive American Eagle manager, and future nurse. She has a knack for being able to imitate anyone’s dancing style, hates the state of Iowa, and has an affinity for snorting. She is graceful at all times and is never, ever clumsy. She currently holds the North American record for the longest period of time of never accidentally spilling anything on anybody. Let me introduce Ryan’s girlfriend and a friend of ours, Bryn!

And last, but certainly not least. She is a fireball redhead who is currently on a mission to have all red-headed slut shots renamed to “Jasmine.” She’s a successful, big-headed, yet humble marketing director originating from Cornhusker country, aka – Nebraska. She is a recent addition to the professional improv world and is so loud that even a microphone cannot duplicate the volume of her voice. I give you our friend and fellow blogger, Jasmine!

Onto the trip …

- As Ryan and I are locking-up the house and preparing to set the alarm, Ryan and I have the following exchange:

Ryan: Is there anything we should turn-off before we go?

Bill: Yeah, Jasmine.

- As Kip Dynamite would sing, “I love technology …” We are joined on this trip by XM Satellite Radio and Ryan’s laptop capable of playing DVDs. For a moment I almost feel sorry for Lewis and Clark, and all those other people who have had to endure a cross-country trip without the luxuries of modern technology. Unfortunately, my moment of sorrow and reflection is interrupted by the 20th Century Fox theme blaring through my speakers as the first movie starts playing. Oh-well.

- First stop of the trip is in beautiful Limon, Colorado. For those of you who have never been, Limon is beautiful this time of year. If you have a spare 10 minutes, I highly recommend visiting one of their clean restrooms and hospitable fast-food establishments. Let me put it this way, Limon is the Hays, Kansas of Colorado.

Anyway, we didn’t eat breakfast prior to leaving so we patronize the Limon McDonalds. Two things to ponder about McDonalds. One, why are all their Chicken McNuggets shaped like the state of Louisiana? And two, why is their Coke two-hundred times better than anyone else’s? Seriously, it’s like soda heroin … except it doesn’t alienate your family, dominate your life, and cost you your job … but besides that, they are very similar.

- Anyone who has driven on I-70 between Limon and the Kansas state line can’t help but notice the “giant” tower in Genoa, Colorado called, Tower Museum - where they claim from the top you can, “View 6 States!” I’ve always been highly skeptical of this assertion because from the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago you can only see 4 states, and the Genoa Tower is about 1,000 feet shorter - so when you think about it, what six states can you actually see? Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming, Oklahoma, New Mexico, would be my guess - but even that’s a stretch.

As it turns out, back in the day, the Tower was once a fairly popular tourist attraction because of this claim which is in fact, a giant hoax. Colorado is the only state visible from the top, but before I-70 was constructed and overnight stays in small towns were more of a necessity, the Tower was a top tourist draw in no small part because of the 6-state claim. Most guests didn’t do the research, or more likely didn’t care, so no one ever really called-out the owners of the Tower about their deceptive claim. Maybe it’s karma because the place is pretty run-down now. I think more people visit the World’s Largest Prairie Dog and 5-Legged Steer in Oakley, Kansas than the Tower Museum. Ouch.

(By the way, the World’s Largest Prairie Dog is a hoax, too – it’s a wooden statue)

- After having an entertaining and windy photo session at the Kansas state line, where I am pretty sure Bryn and Jasmine simultaneously freaked-out and turned-on about two dozen truckers, by running around trying to catch tumbleweed, we stopped in Colby, Kansas to refill the car, buy some snacks, and get glared at by the locals.

Now Colby is one of those towns that only has one movie theatre, with only one screen, and shows only two movies. Well a few years back, Ryan and I stopped in Colby to pick-up some Sonic, which is adjacent to their movie theatre. And the way they listed what movies were playing was really funny. Their movie sign read:

NOW PLAYING
Hannibal The Mexican

Freakin’ hilarious. It’s obvious what two movies they were advertising, but can you imagine that movie …

“Hola Clarice. Come Estas? Me gusta fava-beans y bueno Chianti.”

- Not long after Colby, at a cruising speed of 82 miles per hour (in a 70) and right in the middle of The Interpreter starring Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn, I look in my rear view mirror and see a police car on the other side of the highway suddenly make a U-turn. Mother fu*&^*er! Who doesn’t know what that sinking feeling feels like? – knowing a cop just turned around because of you. In an act of desperation, I quickly exit at the town I just happen to be passing at the time, and hope I can lose him on the exit ramp. Shit, still behind me and gaining quickly. I make a swift right turn into the gas station and rapidly park the car.

Nope, didn’t work. He’s parked right behind me. The State Trooper knocks on my window and immediately asks if this is my car - and he asks in a way that somehow suggests that it’s unusual for a car full of 20-somethings to be driving a Lexus – that ageism stuff really bugs me. Of course he queries me if everything is current on my license (which it isn’t, my address is wrong) and disappears to his vehicle for what seemed to be the next 47 minutes. Yep, I am getting a ticket. In the meantime, a handful of people take pleasure in watching me get a ticket in a gas station parking lot. Go ahead – point, laugh, take your best shot, assholes. I don’t need to do anything but sit here and smile - my good friend Mr. Karma will take care of the rest. And, as it miraculously turns out, he does. I get a warning! No ticket! As Jasmine would loudly declare, “YIPPEE!” I love Mr. Karma. This has to be a good sign for things to come.

These events do beg the question though, after escaping a speeding ticket, do you: test fate and continue speeding? Or, do you take the State Troopers advice and slow down a bit?

Inspired by the near-ticket experience, we all hop out of the car and drop about $30 in snacks at the gas station store. One hour and 77 miles later, Ryan would claim that he can actually hear us getting fatter, as we joyfully consume: Funyons, Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers, some sort of assorted snack mix, chips, donut-holes, soda and candy bars. We eat so much that I think Bryn may have actually gained some weight … nah! Eating like crap is definitely one of the best parts of a road trip.

- Just passed a billboard that read, “Bill, Bored?” Wow. That was the single most personalized signage I have ever encountered. I feel giddy.

- Don’t you hate it when you’re peacefully driving along and all of a sudden a loud HONK! blares at you – only for you to realize it’s the radio (or in our case the DVD player). It scares you just enough to get you mildly annoyed and to get your heartbeat going a little quicker.

- About halfway through Kansas I have seen signs for Dorothy’s house, Oz, the Oz Museum, an Oz theme park, a store where you can pet a stuffed Toto, and a place where you can try on a replica pair of Dorothy’s slippers. Okay, I made-up those last couple of things, but if Kansans ever want to stop having to endure the hundreds of unoriginal and tired Wizard of Oz jokes, you have to stop taking so much damn pride in that movie! It’s ridiculous, the movie came out in 1939! I’m tired of people telling me, “I’m not in Kansas anymore.” It almost like Kansans believe the movie is based off of a true story – sort of like how they teach creationism in science class.

I’ve never been to Morocco, but I seriously doubt the country is building a Casablanca Theme Park and Museum, where you can try on Humphrey Bogart’s hat and trench coat, and play Sam’s piano. Get over the Wizard of Oz, Kansas! Please.

- Two things I’ll never understand.

1) Why, if you are sleeping in a car, do you suddenly wake-up when the car comes to a complete stop?

2) Why, when slowing down or looking for a place to get gas and/or eat, do you need to substantially turn the volume down on the radio?

While we are here, another question I have is … When a small town purchases a billboard and proudly advertises their city by using the following slogans:

“History, Diversity, Fun for the Family – Visit Beautiful WaKeeney, Kansas!”

“A History of Hope, Heroes, and Hospitality – Abilene, Kansas!”

“Russell, Kansas – Where the Past, Present and Future Meet!”

“Colby, Kansas – The Oasis on the Plains”

Do the townspeople honestly expect people to go ...

“Wow, Russell seems great! Hey honey, evidently we overlooked Russell in our vacation planning. Screw Kansas City, let’s take the family to Russell and tour their Indian Relics and Great Plains Museum! This is great! The kids will love it. I can’t believe we never thought of vacationing here before!”

Seriously, have you ever stopped at a small, Midwest town off the side of I-70 for any other reason except to: use the bathroom, buy gas, eat a meal, buy snacks, stay one night at a hotel, or buy something for your car? I really want to know, do those cheesy ad campaigns really work on anyone? And if so, I really want to meet those people!

- After getting some gas we encounter this awkwardly phrased sign:

I love it! I am definitely hanging my souvenir chicken fajita on the wall when I get back to Denver.

- At mile-marker 313, we are told by a billboard that, “One Kansas farmer feeds 128 people plus myself.” Good to know. Exit 313 is also the exit for Manhattan, Kansas, home of the Kansas State Wildcats. If I was a betting man, I’d bet that most Kansas farmers have spent at least 6 years in Manhattan earning their bachelors degree.

- I am continually frustrated by those public restrooms that are just big enough to be used by multiple people, yet don’t contain a divider between the urinal and the toilet. Every guy out there knows exactly what I am talking about. Are they honestly expecting us to use the stall without a divider? I really hope not. Yet it always strange locking the door to some giant bathroom that seems destined to be used by multiple people.

- And the winner of the Most Random Bumper Sticker Award goes to:

“Circumcision is not a parent’s right!”

Okay??? I try to stay up on the news, but is this even an issue? Is there a large anti-circumcision movement under way in this country that I am not aware of? Strangely a woman was driving the car, but is there a group of bitter men walking around demanding foreskin?

- I know I just referenced a woman driver, but has anyone else noticed that traveling in this country is a giant sausage-fest? Last month I flew to Cincinnati for the weekend and the airplane was 80% male. Every time I walk through an airport, it’s lined with men. Over 90% of the cars I passed on I-70 were comprised of all guys. Traveling in America is like going to bad bar on a ladies night – a bunch of cheesy guys standing around checking-out and drooling-over every woman they come across. Not good. A couple of the people we encountered in our travels reacted to Bryn and Jasmine like Tom Cruise telling Oprah about Katie Holmes. I’m not kidding, it was weird.

I know women travel – I’ve hung out with women in different cities and states – but how in the world do they get to their final destination? Do they take buses? Trains? Chartered planes? Maybe some other mode of transportation I don’t even know about? Baffling.

- I love the phenomenon that occurs after you’ve been driving 75+ MPH for 8 hours, and you’re suddenly thrown onto a road where every one is driving 40 MPH, and the cars seem to be moving in slow motion. That’s always fun. I love bobbing-n-weaving in and out of traffic, like the way we used to play those racing games on Nintendo.

- So around 5:45 central time, we arrive in Lawrence in very good spirits. Thanks to the movies, the trip went pretty quickly and besides needing to brush our teeth really, really badly, everyone’s bodies are in good shape and still have their full mental faculties.

In the next posting …

Will Jasmine talk to her Best-In-Show? Will Bryn spill a Mexican snack on a stranger? Will Kansas end their 261 year losing streak to Nebraska? Will Ryan be fooled by a deceptive lollypop wrapper? Will I get a visit from an unexpected person? All these questions and more will be answered in Part II of the Kansas trip - coming soon!

On the Road Again

2005-11-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

“So to take a picture, the camera has to be on …”

- Our friend Julie, explaining what she has recently learned about digital cameras.

So my vacation schedule over the last year or so closely resembles a Super Bowl schedule. I seem to be rotating through a few choice cities instead of visiting the entire U.S. Like the Super Bowls always seem to be held in either New Orleans, Miami and San Diego (which in German of course means whale’s vagina) – I find myself constantly in Vegas, Chicago or Kansas.

That means it’s Super Bowl time. It’s time for a road trip to Lawrence, Kansas!

On Thursday, Ryan (my best friend and roommate), Bryn (Ryan’s girlfriend), Jasmine (a friend of ours), and I will be making the thrilling 8-hour drive across I-70 to visit my alma mater, the University of Kansas. The plan is to hit Lawrence on Thursday night, spend Friday in Kansas City - gambling, checking out the town, eating, drinking, etc., returning back to Lawrence on Saturday for the Kansas/Nebraska football game, and then heading home to Denver on Sunday.

As I continue to polish my travel writing skills in preparation for my dream job at a travel magazine (and of course the subsequent Pulitzer Prize), I will be keeping a running journal of the trips’ events and posting them when I return. You won’t want to miss it.

Before that though, there are a few things you should know about Kansas trips:

- It’s really, really cheap

One of the reasons we go to Lawrence so often is because it only takes 2 ½ tanks of gas to get there, the hotel split 4 ways for 3 nights is very reasonable, the food is inexpensive (for example, $4.75 for a personal pan pizza and a coke at a ridiculously good pizza place called “Pizza Shuttle”) and you can get drunk on $15-20 a night – I’m not exaggerating. It’s like visiting Vegas during the 70’s.

- A lot of drinking takes place

What do you get when you take 4 fun people from one mile above sea level, bring them down to sea level, stick them in a college town, give them really cheap alcohol prices, and throw-in a rowdy 20-something crowd and an exciting sports atmosphere? The perfect equation for three straight nights of drinking and debauchery. I don’t have any stats to back this up, but we may actually drink more, per ounce, during a Kansas trip than a Vegas trip. Yikes.

- I have the greatest friends in the world, in no small part because they have all embraced the Jayhawks

Usually Kansas trips are planned around 1) home basketball games 2) huge basketball games on TV, in which there is no better place to watch the game other than a Lawrence bar 3) a home football game. Jayhawk sporting events are usually a good time all around and despite the fact none of my friends went to KU, they all pretty much root and support the Jayhawks as much as any student or alumni - so a Lawrence trip is sort of a rite of passage. Which, speaking of …

- I am worried about Bryn and Jasmine

This will be Bryn and Jasmine’s first trip to Lawrence. Judging by Bryn’s drinking performance on her birthday, and Jasmine’s drinking exhibition at the Katrina Drink-a-thon, this could be a rough 4 days/3 nights for those two young ladies - and for different reasons:

In Jasmine’s case; she has a serious weak spot for the boys, which only gets worse (or better if you are on the receiving end of her, um, generosity) when she drinks. If you don’t believe me, scan the archives of her blog for her testimonials. As I stated before, we will be drinking a ton and Lawrence has an ample supply of frat guys, punk rock guys, and guys in clever t-shirts – pretty much Jasmine’s entire target audience. At this point in Jasmine’s dating career, I wouldn’t be surprised by anything that happens. She could have: a sophomore, a junior, and a senior; a blond, a redhead, and a brunette; a guard, a forward, and an assistant head coach; a professor, the mayor, and the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, on consecutive nights and I wouldn’t be fazed.

In Bryn’s case; she weighs like 90 pounds and will be drinking her weight in ounces of beer - think about how profound that is for a second. On Saturday night, in just an hour and a half, Bryn drank enough that caused her to puke all over the side of her red Ford Focus and be a waste of space the next day. In an hour and a half! What is going to happen when she needs to do that for 4 or 5 hours straight for three consecutive nights? Will she do her best Frank the Tank impression from Old School and go streaking? Will she sing the classic “You Turn Me On” song from Leaving Las Vegas? Who knows? If you have a moment, please send your thoughts and prayers, c/o Bryn, to the deity of your choice.

Remember the scene in Airplane!, when the flight attendant is asking the passengers over the intercom if there is a doctor on board, at the same time the bodies of the pilot and co-pilot are being dragged down the aisle of the plane, as the passengers look-on in horror. Well, by the end of the weekend, there is a very good possibility that Ryan and I could be requesting a doctor, while dragging Bryn and Jasmine’s bodies out of the state of Kansas, as a bunch of terrified farmers look-on in horror.

Stay tuned to find out.

Pride and Prejudice

2005-10-28T10:26:00.000-06:00

What a week! Let’s recap some of the major news stories …

- A WNBA star (if there is such a thing) comes out of the closet admitting she’s gay.

- United States Air Force Academy head football coach Fisher DeBerry reveals that he thinks black athletes can run faster than white athletes.

- Mr. Sulu from Star Trek admits he’s gay.

- On the heels of making is groundbreaking Rocky 6 announcement, 59-year old Sylvester Stallone reveals he’s making a Rambo IV.

Good god. This is one of those situations where there are so many jokes to be made that you don’t know where to begin – like when someone trips and falls right in front of you at the mall.

Do I need really need to say anything like:

Is anyone really all that surprised that a professional women’s basketball player is gay? The next thing you know we might actually find out that there are gay women golfers, bowlers and softball players.

I don’t want to play the race card, but can anyone remember the last time a white guy won a marathon, won the slam dunk contest in the NBA, led the NFL in rushing, led the NFL in receiving, or broke the world record in the 100-meter dash? I’m not saying Coach DeBerry is right, but just something to think about …

So a guy who joins an academy (Starfleet), wears a tight jump suit, works on a ship filled with men, is thin and nicely dressed, turns out to be a homosexual -you’ve got to be kidding me?! I’m appalled! Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me there are gays in the US military.

What do you think we’ll see first, a Cliffhanger 2, a Demolition Man II, a Judge Dredd prequel, or Sylvester Stallone pulling a tour of duty on the Surreal Life?

Unfortunately, despite all these great lighthearted news stories, I have to admit I am a little upset about the comments Fisher DeBerry made. Regardless of if he is right or wrong, I am tired of all the discrimination. All the stereotypes. All the bias that exist in this country. In fact, I am so upset that I want to vent about some discrimination that goes mostly unnoticed (or as my boss would say, “flies under the radar”) throughout most of America. And to make this discrimination worse, it is perpetuated in movies, television, and even our art - and yet no one says a word.

What am I talking about, you ask? I am talking about the fact that interstates do not get equal treatment when compared to 2-lane highways.

Let me ask you a few questions:

When was the last time a major interstate was the subject of a painting or an artsy black and white picture?

When was the last time, in a movie, a character had an “A-HA!” moment doing 85 down a turnpike?

When was the last time anyone on television used a highway before a major event or conflict occurred?

Think about it. The answer to all of these questions is: It never happens!

Somewhere down the road (pun intended), artists fell in love with cozy two-lane highways, instead of the sprawling four-lane interstate. Or did they? Maybe they didn’t fall in love. Maybe in reality, they are all just prejudice towards interstates …

Sure interstates don’t have the “lived-in” look because they are re-paved every summer (or at least it seems given the amount of times I get stuck behind 18-wheelers driving 37 MPH through a construction zone) and the hotels that line the interstate are often brand new Comfort, Days, Sleep or Holiday Inns - but just because something is newer, cleaner, fresher, doesn’t mean a jeans model can’t be sexy or a character can’t have an epiphany, sitting in a Holidome. I think the lack of fair treatment towards interstates is obviously a product of ageism – with the old 2-lanes getting all the screen time and attention.

I can’t remember the last time anyone I know stayed at an unknown, rundown motel a few miles outside of town - yet Hollywood (especially location scouts) continues to show us characters doing it. Why? I think the only logical conclusion is that it’s blatant discrimination and preferential treatment. Are you telling me the movie Identity couldn’t have taken place at a Comfort Inn and Suites? Who, in their right mind would choose a seedy, Jack’s All Night Inn over a Holiday Inn Express?

Or maybe “those weirdoes in Hollywood” have something against brand new 30-pump gas stations often found on the side of interstates, because they are anti-Bush and are boycotting all the oil companies - and because of that, they prefer to only film and photograph the stations that offer 4 pumps, and were built in 1963 when Kennedy (a democrat) was president. Is there something more aesthetically pleasing about a pump that has scrolling numbers, like a slot machine, as opposed to a digital readout? I don’t think so. It seems fairly obvious to me that Hollywood is taking its political agenda out on the interstates.

Nicole Ritchie. Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. What do all of these girls have in common? They are all skinny … kinda of like two-lane highways. Filmmakers and artist are taking their obsession and preferences towards the thin, and applying them towards highways. Why else would you not show an interstate? They are wider, faster, safer and often times more direct. Yet they don’t appear on any movie posters. They don’t make the cover of Life Magazine. There aren’t calendars showing the 12 prettiest interstates in America. The Travel Channel doesn’t have specials about the most charming interstates to travel during the Fall. You know why? It’s because they think we prefer to see long and skinny highways, as opposed to the more true-to-life and “fatter” interstates

I have a dream that the one day, I’ll walk into a Prints Plus and buy a poster of a picturesque couple kissing in front Flying J Travel Plaza, as opposed to bland, white Shell station circa 1971. I have a dream that one day I’ll go to a movie starring Tom Hanks, and after being lost at sea for 4 years, he’ll return a FedEx package to someone who lives off of I-70 at exit 254; instead of at some random intersection in the middle of no where, where no one remotely attractive (or under the age of 60) would actually live. I have a dream of watching a TV murder mystery unfold at a newly remodeled Days Inn. I have a dream of sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, staring up a Norman Rockwell-like painting of the Jersey Turnpike. I have a dream that one day interstates will finally receive the fair and equal treatment they deserve.

Happy Halloween and have a safe weekend!

Career Goal Tending

2005-10-25T08:55:00.000-06:00

“We don't have a lot of time on this earth. We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings weren't meant to sit in little cubicles, starring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.”

- Peter Gibbons, Office Space

Not to sound vain, but I feel that I have accomplished a lot in my career considering I haven’t even turned 30 yet. And while I have worked hard to earn those achievements, I can’t help but feel lucky and humble for what I have. I see so many people stumble and bumble around in their career, never earning more that 32k a year and never striving for anything better, that it just makes me feel so grateful that my parents instilled me with a strong work ethic and provided me with their intelligence genes. I have been blessed with so much, and worked very hard to get the rest, that I can’t help but feel guilty when I feel dissatisfied about my career situation.

Not to sound like Sarah Jessica Parker typing on her laptop in Sex in the City, “but does anyone still dream of their dream job?”

I’m not complaining, really I’m not. I like my job, the company I work for, and most of the people I work with. I am very thankful for having a job that gives me enough income to support my lifestyle; and that it provides me with health insurance and retirement benefits, all the other perks that come along with working for a medium-sized corporation. But I don’t jump out to bed, rub my hands together, smile at myself in the bathroom mirror and say, “I can’t wait to go to work today.”

If you need a visual of what I am talking about, envision Annette Bening in American Beauty while she’s getting ready to show a home she just put up for sale - “I will sell this house today. I will SELL THIS HOUSE TODAY. I WILL SELL THIS HOUSE TODAY!!!”

Fairly regularly I find myself wondering how many people actually love their job. Is it a fairy tale notion to expect total and complete job happiness? Does the fact that you are at one place, doing a certain job 40+ hours a week, 52 weeks a year, year upon year until you retire, make it a logistical impossibility to suggest you’ll be happy most of the time you are doing that job?

Getting back to American Beauty for a second; one of the reasons that movie is so freaking, ridiculously, damn good, is because Lester makes a cathartic (and entertaining) journey from being a sedated, unhappy, corporate drone, to an inspired, reenergized drive-thru window employee at Mr. Smiley’s. When we first meet Lester, he painfully has to will himself out of bed. And while the movie never shows Lester in the morning after he takes the Mr. Smiley’s job, I can’t help but think Lester enjoys going to that job much more than he enjoyed heading down Media Monthly Magazine, where he had spent the previous 14 years of his life. Lester’s $65,000 a year job, his benefit package, his impressive job title at a formidable publication, did not bring him happiness. It was a job at a Hardee’s-look-a-like that finally brought him that. Well, that and a high school cheerleader … but I digress. (The true meaning of Angela’s and Lester’s relationship is a posting for another time)

So does that mean I should quit my job and apply at Sonic to find my “dream job”? Probably not. But it does make me wonder if I’d take $10,000 or $15,000 less to work at a job that I genuinely look forward to everyday. I’ve often made fun of those ski bums who surround their whole life in snow – they teach ski school, work the chairlifts, hang out in lodges, ski the back bowls, subscribe to Powder Magazine, etc. But maybe instead of poking fun at their perceived slacker attitude, I should be envious that they have found something they truly enjoy doing and can make a living (albeit a modest one) at.

The problem in doing what Lester Burnham did, and what Peter Gibbons did, and what ski bums do, is that there isn’t a future at Mr. Smiley’s, working construction, or giving private ski lessons to Texan tourists. You can’t provide for your family working fast-food. You can’t work on a construction site until you’re 65 and expect to be reasonably healthy. You can’t save money for retirement, or for your kids’ education, or get health insurance, working winters at Vail.

So I struggle. Where is the line between career success and having a future for you and your family, and finding a job/career that will bring you happiness the rest of your life? Do you trade one for the other? How realistic is it to have both? Are those people who are often envied: movie starts, athletes, persons in the media, politicians, CEOs, novelists, etc., happy with their careers everyday? Or do they have the same complaints and frustrations as I do? Does a quarterback look at a football field the same way I look over a sea of gray cubicles at my office?

In The Soprano’s, a one-legged Russian immigrant tells Tony that Americans are spoiled and that they think they deserve happiness; while the rest of the world expects to be unhappy. Maybe that’s true. Maybe I am just another spoiled American who can’t appreciate what I have, when so many people in the world are starving, or working in sweat-shops, or are unemployed, or work in factories. Maybe I should just shut-up and be happy with my white collar job, even though I don’t jump out of bed every morning with overflowing enthusiasm.

Perhaps dream jobs are like dream cars, dream dates, dream houses – perfect in your imagination, but ultimately much different in reality. But America was built on dreams. And maybe the reason America continues to prosper is because while we might expect to be happy, we also work very hard to obtain it. We don’t settle. We don’t leave well enough alone. We aren’t satisfied with the status-quo. We aren’t complacent. We strive to find something better.

So I am left with muddled conclusions. How do I measure my career success, progress, satisfaction? Do I evaluate it based on my job title? By the number of people I manage? By my annual salary? By my happiness with my job? By the size of my house? By the car I drive? By the contributions and differences I make within my profession? Are Lester Burnham, Peter Gibbons and all those ski bums in Summit County, successes or failures? Are the old sayings, “you have to do something for love before you can do it for money.” and “if you do something you love, the money will follow,” accurate commentary about life, or just wishful thinking?

State-ing My Case

2005-10-18T09:27:00.000-06:00

It’s time to tackle a classic debate.

It’s right up there with evolution verses creationism, Coke verses Pepsi, Seinfeld verses Cheers, The Godfather verses The Godfather, Part II, Lennon verses McCartney and are there any circumstances that you would let a good friend date Tara Reid.

The debate is: What constitutes visiting a state?

Sounds like a pretty white bread topic right? Nope. Many hours have been spent debating the exact terms and conditions that apply when evaluating whether you have actually “been” or visited a certain place. So today, I hope to lay-out some strict criteria that will once and for all end this discussion - so we can move on to debate other topics like; whose career has been more of a success, Colin Ferrell or Freddie Prinze, Jr.?

#1 – An airport layover or connection does not count.

I have been to Atlanta’s Hartsfield Airport about a half-dozen times but I have never been to Georgia. Why? Because walking or taking an airport train from Gate C45 to Gate A19, hitting the restroom, grabbing McDonalds, succumbing to Cinnabon, nabbing this weeks People Magazine, and dodging Southern belles along the way, does not mean you just got a taste of life in Atlanta.

(You have to be brought to tears from the humidity, hear the phrase “ya’all” or “ya’awls” 23 times, fear for you life at least once, go to a poorly attended sporting event and wonder aloud if certain Georgians still believe the Civil War is going on, to qualify for that.)

At the bare minimum you have to leave the confines of the airport to even enter into the discussion that you’ve been somewhere … and staying at the airport Hilton doesn’t count either.

#2 – If you are driving, you must cross-section the state.

There’s no real reason to go to Nebraska unless 1) you have family living there 2) have an affinity towards the University of Nebraska 3) plan on being a farmer someday 4) want to see where they filmed Election 5) driving through to get some place much more desirable. Other than that, there are no logical or emotional reasons to step foot in that state.

Now Nebraska is a large state, so it takes several hours to get to the next place, regardless of what direction you are pointed. And believe me, the time it will take you to drive through Nebraska is more than enough time to get a feel for the state and its people. Besides, asking someone to spend the night and sightsee in Nebraska is like asking someone to watch a Golden Girls marathon - so I’m not going to demand anyone do that unless they really want to. For the rest of us, driving entirely through a state qualifies as visiting a state.

By the way, the reason I say you must cross-section the state is because otherwise people would be driving 10 minutes into North Dakota, turning around and saying, “%uck this, I’m going home.” Sorry, you need to spend some time in the state - and driving through a state is usually is enough time to have that experience, regardless of its size.

Without the cross-section rule, no one would ever claim to have visited: Nebraska, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Iowa, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia, Delaware or Rhode Island.

#3 – If you are not driving through a state, you must spend the night.

If you are spending the night somewhere, more than likely you are eating a meal, traveling at least a little bit around the city/state, and verifying that their Best Buys, Chili’s and Old Navy’s look exactly the same as yours back home - so I think that counts as a visit.

On a side note, don’t you hate it when you are sleeping in a hotel room and around 5 a.m. housekeeping comes banging on your door because you forgot to hang the “do not disturb” sign on the door handle. You hope that if try to sleep through the incessant pounding that hopefully they’ll just move on and let you keep sleeping. Of course they don’t, and they open the door and at which time you either hear a large crash from the quasi chain lock preventing their entry, or you angrily scream at them that you’re “still in here!”

I also hate it when I can hear housekeeping knocking on doors and saying “housekeeping,” a couple of rooms down from mine, and I know I didn’t hang the “do not disturb” on the door, yet I am too lazy to get up and put it on the handle before they arrive at my door – that’s a weird feeling of impending doom.

#4 – If you don’t spend the night or cross-section the state, you must spend the day there and see some of the local sites.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

If you are visiting or live in Kansas, and drive to Missouri to spend the day in Kansas City shopping, eating barbeque, going to a Chiefs’ game, dropping $150 at the blackjack tables at Harrah’s, and arguing with someone about why Kemper Arena doesn’t allow alcohol - then you can add the Show-Me State to your list of states visited.

If your family forces you to drive 30 miles into Wisconsin to spend 5 hours with your 3rd Aunt, twice removed, whom you have never met before; and you spend the day watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of Matlock on a brown suede couch, staring at a hunting rifle that was mounted behind the TV, while the rest of my family sat in the kitchen reminiscing about the weather - then that doesn’t count as a visiting Wisconsin.

And finally, if you drive to Maine to spend the day eating as much lobster as you can, while taking pictures of lighthouses, and squeezing in as many Shawshank Redemption jokes and references as possible, within an 8 hour timeframe - then you can say you have been to Maine. I mean really, besides those three things what else there to do in Maine?

#5 – You must be 18 or older at time of visit.

What did we know about anything before were 18?

Just like ex-girlfriends/boyfriends don’t count before 18, neither does visiting a state. Now that I think about it, a lot of the same philosophies and reasons for pre-18 ex’s not counting, are the same for visiting a state before you turn 18 …You know, I could describe what I am talking about, but I would rather you use your imagination.

Anyway, that’s it. Those are the 5 criterion that need to be considered when analyzing whether or not you have visited a certain place. So how many states have you visited?
In closing, I want to suggest a related and interesting conversation topic that I have had with my friends on a few occasions:

(EARMUFFS for any minors and/or adults who fear they cannot handle adult subject matter)

How many states have you had sex in?

Great conversation. One word of advice though, don’t have the conversation in the presence of a current girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse that has hard time hearing about stuff like that. They may start to work the numbers in their head, and the conversation might end very badly for you. Just a warning.

Click here for a map of the U.S. so it's easier for you to count - and please post a comment with your final number. (If you are worried, you can post anonymously)

Chatting with Bill Self

2005-10-13T08:43:00.000-06:00

Not to sound like the creepy phone voice from The Ring, but 27 days. 27 days. 27 days until the start of the University of Kansas basketball season. Granted on November 9th it’s an exhibition game against Ft. Hays State – a school in a town known more for its reasonably priced and conveniently located hotels, clean restrooms, vast fast-food choices, and a mall that is cleverly called “The Mall” (seriously, that is what they call their mall in Hays), than college basketball, but nonetheless – it marks the start of another season of exciting Jayhawk basketball.

(Quick side note: it bugs the hell out of me that Jayhawk isn’t in the Microsoft Word dictionary and comes-up as a misspelled word every time I type it. I’ve added it like 14 times to the dictionary and it still pops as being incorrectly spelled! Argh!

Strangely, Wildcat, Gamecock, Buckeye, Aggie and Orangemen are in the dictionary, but Tarheel is not.)

Anyway, KU coach Bill Self hosted an online chat yesterday and my question was answered by the coach. Pretty cool. Below is the transcript of our brief Q/A session. If you are interested in reading the rest of the chat, click here.

Bill, Denver, Colo.: When you're recruiting, is there any difficulty getting over perceptions about Kansas, i.e -- it's flat, it's boring, it's in the middle of nowhere, etc., when talking to players who have never seen the campus or been to Lawrence? Or does the program sell itself because of the history, the coaches and players, and the success?

Bill Self: I think recruiting is difficult wherever you're at. Tulsa had its own unique obstacles, Oral Roberts had its own unique obstacles, Illinois had its own unique obstacles. Kansas has its obstacles as well, but the positive is we can be in the top-five or top-10 of most recruits list. But the negative is we have to go in to someone else's back yard to get them. I've heard the stigma that Kansas is flat, and I've even made the joke that guys ride their horses to class. But the truth is Kansas is hilly, there are trees, water, beautiful landscape. The city is great, and you're 35 minutes away from Kansas City. Kansas is just about the best of the sells.

Beggars and Choosers

2005-10-12T09:09:00.000-06:00

Not long ago, I got the sudden urge to purchase Aliens, and headed to my local Wal-Mart to satisfy my strange, randomly placed, science fiction craving. Afterwards, as my friend and I made our way through the parking lot towards my car, we were approached by a gentleman who looked like a vagabond. As I was in the midst of explaining to my friend how Aliens is one of the best sequels ever made, and how Paul Reiser inexplicably plays an effective villain, and how I wasn’t a total sci-fi dork for purchasing the film, the vagabond-looking gentleman asked us for some money.

He explained that he had run out of gas (though I didn’t see his car) and that he and his son just needed five dollars to get their car back to their house - his young son was slowly and meticulously walking about twenty feet behind him. It was a chilly night, he had a child with him, and given the recent gas prices, I was more than sympathetic to help him out so he and his son could get home safely.

But then the doubts started to creep-in and a thousand questions started racing through my mind…

Does he really need the money for gas or does he just need to buy a six-pack of beer?
Should I go to his car and make sure he uses the money for gas?
Is that really his son or just a kid he was using to draw up compassion?
Is this a scam?
Do I want to look like a sucker?
Is he too lazy to get a job or does he really need help?
Does this story sound fishy or is it just me being cynical?

I had just bought a special edition DVD and a pack of Sour Patch Kids, so I could obviously afford to give this guy a helping hand - and I really wanted to. But as my mind was processing all those questions and doubts, I started to think about those countless news reports and articles, talking about how many homeless/beggars/vagabonds don’t actually need the money and have regular income streams, or how they choose the easier path of just being lazy.

Then I started to think about my friend Nicole - who spends many Thursday nights in the shady parts of downtown Denver, talking and spending time with the homeless – and how she tells me that so many of those people have addictions and beg for money just to feed those addictions.

So after quick deliberations, I told the vagabond-looking gentleman, “sorry, I don’t have $5.”

Thirty seconds later, I tossed a white plastic Wal-Mart bag into the back of my car, filled with a James Cameron classic and a bag of my favorite candy.

I lied. I had $5 (in cash, mind you) to give him – but I didn’t.

Not to sounds like one of those ridiculous holier-than-thou news pundits, but what does that say about the world, that I doubt the sincerity of someone asking for help? What does it say that every night I drive home from work; I stare at a guy begging for money on the highway off-ramp, and don’t give him any cash, because I doubt his true intentions?

I have worked hard to achieve the job and the income-level I enjoy; and I feel with those accomplishments comes a duty to help those who aren’t as fortunate as I am. For all the money I spend on trips to Las Vegas, beers while watching KU basketball games, movies I re-buy because I want them in DVD as opposed to VHS, certainly I can spare some of my income to those who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. I want to help – I truly do. But tragically, I don’t because a few bad apples have ruined the entire barrel.

Because of the immeasurable substance abuse addicts – I don’t give to the “average” street person. Because of countless scams – I don’t give to the vagabond who says he and his son need some gas money to get home. Because of laziness – I don’t give to the guy who asks “if I can spare a few bucks for a meal,” when he can get a job and food discounts working at McDonalds.

In so many cities they outlaw panhandling because it detracts from the quality of life. I can’t help but wonder if we’d still outlaw begging if the beggars actually needed our help. I don’t think we would. I doubt we would say it’s illegal to ask for aid if the person asking was sincere and genuine. It makes me sad that because of all of those people who have taken advantage of our generosity, that those who really need our help have a harder time receiving it.

Maybe it’s not my responsibility to monitor how a beggar chooses to spend my hard-earned money. Maybe I should have taken an extra five minutes to follow the vagabond to his alleged car and watch him put $5 worth of gas into his vehicle. Maybe I should let the homeless person’s conscience deal with the implications of a scamming me for a few bucks. And I know what a lot of you will say is: “if you really wanted to help, you’d find ways” i.e. shelters, soup kitchens, certain charitable organizations, etc. But helping shouldn’t be hard. I shouldn’t need to write checks, verify someone’s non-profit status or walk to someone’s car and physically watch them put gas in their tank, to know it’s legitimate. I should be able to reach into my pocket or roll-down my window, and give directly to those who are asking for my assistance. I should be able to give to a fellow human in need, without doubting their motives.

And it really bothers me that I can’t do that.

People I Don't Feel Sorry For

2005-10-10T12:18:00.000-06:00

People who drive SUVs and 1) complain about the price of gas 2) can’t fit into parking normal sized parking spaces and subsequently get dings all over their vehicles 3) get in a car accident by driving too fast for the conditions – thinking their four-wheel drives are incapable of actually sliding in the snow or rain.

People who sue McDonalds for being overweight.

Yankee fans. There is nothing sympathetic about a team that spends $200 million in payroll when most of teams can’t spend half that much.

Skateboarders who hurt themselves showing-off.

Movie studios that lose millions of dollars producing pointless remakes like the Dukes of Hazard, Bewitched and The Longest Yard or ridiculous films like Just Like Heaven - while truly original movies like Napoleon Dynamite struggle to get made, end up making $40 million in theatres, $100 million in DVD sales, $20 million in “Vote For Pedro” t-shirt sales and take a seat at the head of the pop-culture table.

Democrats who nominated John Kerry for president while there were clearly much stronger (albeit less “safe” candidates) to choose from.

Anyone who blindly and unilaterally defends the Bush administration after they do something moronic.

People who can’t find a place to stuff their oversized carry-on bag on an airplane.

Anyone on reality TV who claims they are being “disrespected.”

Girls who get their chest constantly stared at while wearing a cleavage shirt.

Any guy dumb enough to get engaged or married to either Paris or Nikki Hilton.

Any athlete dumb enough to test positive for steroids.

People who get fired for downloading porn while at work.

Television networks that complain about low ratings at the same time HBO gives us The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage and Real Time with Bill Maher. Can’t imagine why I would choose those shows over the Life According to Jim … baffling.

People who pay $4.50 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

People who wait until the last possible moment before merging into traffic and then get frustrated that no one will let them in.

Pessimists when something bad happens.

Lottery winners who make bad financial decisions and the money eventually ends up ruining their life.

Any guy wearing a primarily pink shirt.

People who start fights at bars.

News reporters who get sent out in the freezing cold and snow/rain/wind to report on a storm while standing next to the highway, commenting on the traffic and current weather conditions.

Cranky people working the drive-thru window. Heck, anyone in the service industry who has a bad attitude and then gets 1) gets attitude back from me 2) a bad tip or 3) both. In fact, lets add on airlines, restaurants, bars and stores, that give you crappy service or overcharges you, and then eventually go out of business or bankrupt.

Guys who DTR (define the relationship) too fast - and as a result, freaks the girl out.

Kansas State, Missouri, Syracuse and North Carolina fans … just because.

Road-ragers who get their ass kicked because they messed with the wrong driver.

Procrastinators who end-up with bad seats, bad tickets, bad selection, bad flight times, bad hotel arrangements, bad locations, getting screwed on the cost, getting stuck in traffic, being tired, waiting in line or getting yelled at.

People who get a sliver in their tongue eating with chopsticks.

People who run onto the field during a sporting event and consequently get violently tackled and/or beat-up by one of the athletes.

Those idiots who can’t solve the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune when boards reads, “Lu_e S_ywal_er and Darth Vader.”

People who constantly use phrases and words like, “think outside the box”, “high level”, “ducks in a row”, “team player”, “people person”, “touch base”, “talking points”, “in the loop”, “multi-task”, “detailed oriented” and “hot buttons”.

Smokers who have to stand-out in the cold and/or inclement weather.

Rock stars who get hooked on drugs, lose all their money, trash their career and as a result alienate their family and most of their friends. We’ll call this phenomenon the “Every Episode of VH1’s Behind the Music” phenomenon.
(The good news is that they all eventually sober-up, sometimes find God, gain some new perspective on life, have their hot daughters achieve fame, make the cover of People magazine, have an introspective comeback album, followed by a world-wide farewell tour that ends-up making them $50 million dollars.)

Breaking My Chopsticks

2005-10-06T11:17:00.000-06:00

Today I had planned on writing a post about “people I don’t feel sorry for.” However, this freakin’ chopstick debate has escalated quickly, so I feel compelled to respond. From the comments on Beth’s blog, you would think I was the head of FEMA or something. I had a nightmare last night that a bunch of hungry Asians broke into my room and somehow bludgeoned me with chopsticks. Terrifying. So today I’ve been walking around with my head on swivel, which, according to Ron Burgundy, is what you have to do when you find yourself in a vicious cockfight.

Anyway, back to the chopstick debate. Judging by the strong feelings people seem to have about these pointless, wooden sticks, don’t be surprised if in 08’, you see Giuliani and Hillary Clinton debating this subject.

Here are Beth’s comments …

What is your definition of efficient, Bill? Being able to consume the largest amount of food as fast as you can? That's not very healthy, if you ask me. Doesn't your body digest food better when it's consuming smaller portions in slow increments? Wouldn't that be more efficient?

When you use chopsticks you carry smaller portions of food and prolongs the duration of the meal. Sure, chopsticks are not for the yuppies-on-the-go, what with all of the fancy schmancy McDonalds in every corner to tempt you with french fries to go with your SuperSized indigestion.

My definition of efficient is pretty much the same as the dictionary’s, which is: acting or producing effectively with a minimum of waste, expense, or unnecessary effort. Exhibiting a high ratio of output to input.

It is true that eating slowly is healthier because it allows time for your brain to process “being full”, which tends to make a person eat less. However, is it the duty of your eating utensils to monitor your food consumption? I don’t think that is in their job description. If drinking through a straw meant you drank less alcohol, would you stick a straw in your beer glass, or would you take responsibility for how much you drank? If you were someone who is constantly early to appointments, would you argue that you should take a horse because it takes more time to get where you are going than a car? Or would adjust your own personal habits to fix the problem?

It would be nice if people would take ownership of how much they are eating, instead of relying on a fork, spoon, knife or chopstick to do it for them. Where’s the discipline? Maybe the problem isn’t the fork and spoon being vastly more efficient than a chopstick; maybe the problem is undisciplined eating habits. It’s sad that there are people who turn to a wooden stick to keep them healthy, instead of monitoring their own meal portions.

Bottom line, don’t blame the superior fork and spoon for your own eating shortcomings.

Well, if we took your attitude of dismissing our past simply because we've created something far more superior, then we should be able to go ahead and destroy the Coliseum and replace it with something like your Mile High Stadium. While you're at it let's just go to some of our oldest museums and trash every priceless piece of artwork you can get your hands on. Why keep those ratty old things when we can make better pictures with our digital cameras! Hell, we can bring people back to life and have them dance with vacuum cleaners because of computers!

Actually the Coliseum would be a terrible venue to hold an event at compared to Mile High Stadium. The Coliseum would offer less leg room and space (since people are generally taller and larger than they were during the Roman Empire), no concession stands, no seatbacks, limited bathroom facilities, no scoreboards, no instant replay, no cupholders and no luxury boxes – just to name a few of its shortcomings. However, we shouldn’t destroy the Coliseum because it’s nice to look at and it’s part of history. We shouldn’t hold a football game there because it’s vastly inferior compared to the stadiums of today and would be a horrible place to watch a game. So how does this tie-in to chopsticks? Just like the Coliseum was great in its day, so were chopsticks. But those days are over. Spoons and forks give us more options, are more efficient, and are more advanced – just like Mile High Stadium when comparing it to the Colisuem … in fact someday, someone we'll be having this same debate about how archaic spoons and forks are compared to the eating utensils of the future.

Oh, and you don’t measure art based on efficiency; you evaluate it on historical importance, aesthetics, subject matter, emotional reaction, etc … so that argument doesn’t even make sense.

This technology of which you hold so much stock in, isn't all that great, Bill. True, I've benefited from technology, and I'm not about to live without it, but even you must admit not everything technology offers is always better.

I’d agree, but I would also say more times than not, better technology is an improvement, not a step back. More importantly, usually when there is a problem stemming from technology, it’s the users of the technology’s problem, not the fault of the technology itself. More on this later.

And what is so wrong with having a romantic attachment to something that was indicative of simpler times....something that is tied to aeons of culture and history that no amount of technological advancement can ever replace?

Nothing is wrong with that at all. But admit it’s a romantic attachment and not a logical argument. I don’t have a problem if you long for-the-way-it-was, but call it that, don’t try to reason your way through the discussion.

Did you know that the great scholar, Confucius, who was a vegetarian, helped develop chopsticks? He believed that knives would remind the people of animals being killed in slaughterhouses, and thought they were too violent to be used at the table. They had to find another way to serve their food, and I'm guessing small pieces of wood were all they had.

Yes, there is something definitely very wrong in that indeed. Shame on Confucius for wanting to promote non-violence!

C’mon Beth … I doubt if many, if not any, people think of the slaughtering process while eating a delicious steak using a fork and knife. Plus, vegetarians are not the only one who use chopsticks, and eating with them certainly does not prevent animal cruelty. There is no correlation between vegetarianism and chopsticks. This point is a stretch.

Look, I'm not saying I'd drop my spoon and fork and eat with chopsticks for the rest of my life. I'll be damned, though, if I let you disrespect an entire culture's eating habits, especially one so closely tied to my own.

But the point I'd like to drive home is that NO ONE is forcing you to use chopsticks, Bill.

I never said anyone was forcing me to use them. I was just saying I think they don’t serve much purpose nowadays, especially in America. If I was in an Asian country, I would fully expect to eat with chopsticks. Just like I fully expect to see a lot of people riding bikes and using rigshaws as a form of public transportation. If I said taxis, subways and buses are better, that wouldn’t mean I was disrespecting the culture – it just means there are better and more efficient ways of doing things.

Now, here is a comment from one of Beth’s loyal readers …

Using chopsticks is the most efficient way to eat noodles. That's why I use them. If they had chopsticks in Italian restaurants I would use them to eat my spaghetti too.
On modern amenities: just because something makes some tasks easier and quicker does not mean it delivers a better quality of life.

Take e-mail for instance. I can think of so many angry e-mails I've typed up in anger only to make things worse. Anger that could have been diffused in the older days, when I would have had to look for a piece of paper and a pen, an envelope and a stamp. And since it took so much effort to write an angry letter I would've thought about the whole thing again and I would've decided that it was too petty after all and just let it go.

Going back to chopsticks, it's not like anyone is being forced to use them even in Chinese restaurants. I wouldn't pick on anyone because they use forks on food that's meant to be eaten with chopsticks. Why pick on those that use them?

- Leese

I want to respond to this because it goes back to what I was saying earlier about how when a problem with technology arises, it’s often not technology’s problem, but rather the person using the technology. Don’t blame email for your tendency to respond to people without taking time to compose your thoughts and “cool down.” Take responsibility for your actions and anger, don’t lay them off on email.

If someone over-eats, don’t blame the silverware, blame the eater. If someone kills someone with a gun, don’t blame the gun, blame the shooter. If someone dies of lung cancer from smoking for 50 years, don’t blame the cigarettes, blame the smoker. If you have a temper problem and use email as a quick way to improperly vent your anger, don’t blame email, blame yourself.

It’d be nice if more people were responsible and accountable for their actions, instead of blaming everything else for their problems. As Warden Norton once said, “salvation lies within.”

I know that rant was a little off-topic, but it’s an important topic that is obviously bigger than our monumental chopstick debate.

And just in case this was missed, I can use chopsticks properly! My argument is not a result of chopstick envy or secretly longing to use them. Just like when I say cars are better than horses, it’s not because I want to ride a horse to work, I just choose not to.

My Triumphant Return

2005-10-03T14:06:00.000-06:00

“Creativity comes from kindness.”

- George Clooney

(Are you sure, George? Granted I’m no Shakespeare, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t where it comes from - I know a lot of creative and original assholes.)

Anyway, in the immortal words of Eminem, “guess who’s back? Back again?” That’s right, like Michael Corleone after he visits Sicily in The Godfather - I’m back.

Over the last few weeks I’ve had to study and take the NASD’s Series 6 examination, took a 24-hour trip to Chicago - and subsequently make a really big life decision - and organize and participate in a very successful Hurricane Katrina fundraiser. So I’ve been really busy. But now I am reenergized, ready to do some heavy lifting, anxious to write again and get back to posting on a regular basis. Thanks for your patience and I promise it will be worth your time.

First thing first, the Katrina Drink-a-thon was a big success. Assuming everyone collects what everyone said they were going to pledge, we raised over $9,000! Very exciting! And we are very proud and thankful to everyone who helped out – from the drinkers, to the sober spotters, to those who gave money – THANK YOU! Please visit the official Katrina Drink-a-thon Web site for a bunch of pictures and information about the night, media links and other stuff.

I was planning on keeping a running journal of the evening like I did for Bryn’s birthday and when I watched Forrest Gump, but unfortunately my drunk ass wasn’t able to stay focused enough to write anything anyone would fine interesting in reading. In fact, these are my only coherent notes from the night …

- Our official Katrina Drink-a-thon t-shirts that read, “drunk.” and “sober.” are big hits. We should figure a way to raise or make money selling them. Another good idea for a t-shirt would be one that reads, “Yes, I’ll have another.”

- The funny thing about fundraising is that when you ask people to donate money and they say no, everyone has a story to tell you on why they can’t ...

“I already gave.”

“I don’t like the Red Cross.”

“I hate George Bush and FEMA.”

“I am into a local mobster for $300 already and he is going to break my thumbs if I don’t make good on my debt this week.”

I don’t care if you don’t give, that’s your decision. It’s okay. Really. Don’t feel guilty to say no, I didn’t/don’t take it personally. If you can afford to give, but already gave, great! That’s what is most important – not that you donated through the Drink-a-thon. If you can’t afford to give, that’s understandable, too. It was really entertaining to hear people give excuses for why they can’t donate money, as if I would get mad or have a bad opinion of them or something.

- Sitting next to our booths was a guy proudly donning a Missouri Tiger t-shirt. At first he was excited that we noticed his allegiance to Mizzou, only to be rendered speechless when we showered him with a steady and heavy stream of “Muck Fizzou”, “Rock Chalk, Jayhawks” and wheat waving. Good times. He had no idea what to say when confronted by a half-dozen cocky, fundraising, Jayhawk fans. I wish I had taken a picture of the expression on his face. Priceless.

- Evidently I had three drinks in me by 9:33 and Lucas hit double-digits at 10:45.

And that’s it. That’s all the notes I took. Totally disappointing. I wish I had more for you, but I don’t. So I apologize. You’re just going to have to trust me that it was a fun night, filled with great fundraising stories and inspirational moments abounding everywhere. It probably was one of the greatest nights in drinking history, but I don’t have any written proof. My bad.

DRAMATIC TOPIC CHANGE

Last week at work I was having a conversation right in front of the restrooms with a lady I rarely, if ever, talk to (in fact, I don’t even know her name). We were having the typical work conversation, standing two feet from the men’s and women’s bathrooms. So as we are talking, one of our co-workers opens the door to the men’s restroom and walks out. Right as he opens the restroom door, the other guy already inside the bathroom, starts to unload really loudly. I mean, this guy is totally crapping his brains out, and it’s so loud that it echoes out into the hallway where I am having this conversation. Talk about awkward. I barely know this women and we are sharing a moment in which we are listening to someone's bowel movements. Obviously we both noticed, but didn’t know each other well enough to comment or laugh. Really funny, but I felt bad for the guy crapping inside. Poor soul is just trying to take care of business, and through no fault of his own, someone opens the bathroom door for the whole 10th floor to hear him shitting.

And finally, my unprovoked attack on chopsticks last month caused a small stir. Evidently, there are some people out there who feel very strongly about eating with those stupid wooden sticks. So I saved an email I received from my Asian friend, Beth, defending them. Now Beth is a fine human being who happens to hail from The Philippines, and feels a cultural attachment to chopsticks. I guess those sentiments are not unlike the countless everyday examples of Texans who still ride horses to work because they feel a similar cultural connection – but I digress. Anyway, here is what Beth had to say:

“Leave the chopsticks alone, will ya? They represent humanity’s first step towards civilization. They used their hands to eat before the chopsticks came along. And maybe if more Americans used chopsticks, obesity wouldn’t be such a problem here. I find myself eating less when I’m using chopsticks. I mean, seriously, how many obese Asian people do you see (apart from the Sumo wrestlers – and they’re revered in their country)? It’s not just a romantic attachment. You just hate it because you can’t use it properly.”

Okay, first: They represent humanity’s first step towards civilization. They used their hands to eat before the chopsticks came along.

I guess that means we shouldn’t use gas, matches and electricity to start fires then. I challenge Beth to start a fire this winter in New Jersey by only rubbing chopsticks together, since that process would represent humanity’s first steps in creating fire. Please rent Cast Away starring Tom Hanks as a training video. Also, if you don’t want to start a fire using chopsticks, I want you to use only wood in your life – no more metal, steel or plastic for you, Beth.

And maybe if more Americans used chopsticks, obesity wouldn’t be such a problem here. I find myself eating less when I’m using chopsticks. I mean, seriously, how many obese Asian people do you see (apart from the Sumo wrestlers – and they’re revered in their country)?

Okay, then I want you to sell your Honda Civic and buy a brand new horse. I mean, cars are harmful to the environment (just like obesity is harmful to the body) and the best way to cut down on poisoning the atmosphere would be to not to drive your car. I bet you would travel a lot less if you had to take a horse to go out with your friends. Plus, I don’t think measuring inefficiency is the best way to evaluate something either. I am sure you do eat less because you are using chopsticks; that shows how inefficient they really are when compared to a fork and a spoon. Sort of like how you would travel less on horseback if comparing that to a car.

It’s not just a romantic attachment. You just hate it because you can’t use it properly.

It is a romantic attachment, otherwise you wouldn’t see chopsticks just in Asian restaurants and Beth wouldn’t be saying things like, “they represent humanity’s first step towards civilization.” Eating with chopsticks is the equivalent of using a bow and arrow, or using a typewriter, or staying at a hotel that doesn’t have a television or indoor plumbing, or buying a corded telephone, heck, even sending a letter in the mail to someone who has email – they are all things in the past that we have emotional attachments to, even though technology offers us better and more efficient solutions.

And for the record, this American can use chopsticks properly.

Update On Hurricane Katrina Drink-a-thon

2005-09-21T17:49:00.000-06:00

I want to update everyone on the Drink-a-thon and once again ask for your support.

First, a big thank you to all of you who have already pledged or donated money. I sincerely appreciate all you can give or have given, whether it is $1/drink, $10 lump sum or whatever. Remember, the money isn’t going to me, it’s going to all the people in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi who have lost everything – so every little bit counts.

Second, word on the Drink-a-thon has hit our local media. The Rocky Mountain News’, Penny Parker, mentioned us in her column last Friday. Here is www.katrinadrinkathon.org. If you click on “Make a pledge”, that will allow you to make either a pledge or a lump sum donation. (Donations and pledges will be collected after the event)

So this is my final plea to you – please pledge or donate money. Please.

If you have already given and can’t give any more, great! Please don’t feel guilty, the point is to help the needy, regardless of it’s through the Drink-a-thon or some other charity. Also, if you can’t afford to give, don’t feel guilty, I totally understand.

For everyone else, anything you can spare would be greatly appreciated, $.25, $1.00, $5.00.

Thanks so much for your support!
Bill

Hurricane Katrina Drink-a-thon

2005-09-15T17:36:00.000-06:00

So the reason I haven't written in a while is because I have been busy trying to figure out the best way I could help our Americans who lost everything because of the hurricane. As I wrote before, I was tremendously saddened by the destruction that Hurricane Katrina brought to the Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi. So longing to do more than chip-in a few bucks and keeping them in my “thoughts and prayers,” as everyone likes to say; a few of my resourceful friends and me have decided to organize a fundraiser to collect donations for The American Red Cross Hurricane Katrina Relief Fund.

On September 24, we will be holding a drink-a-thon. This event will operate like any other "a-thon" type event. We will be collecting pledges on a per drink basis. Your total donation will be the amount you pledge times the number of drinks I consume on the night of the 24th. 100% of the money we collect is going to the American Red Cross. The overhead costs of this fundraiser (i.e. drinks, web site, etc) are being donated by the participants.

Our goal is to collect $10,000 dollars.

I am sure that at his point you have several questions regarding the safety of this event. I assure you that all of the bases have been covered. There is a list of rules posted at www.katrinadrinkathon.org that will govern how the event will transpire. Everything has been considered; from how will we account for people who don't want to drink, to how we will be getting home after the event. "Sober spotters" will be present to ensure that good judgments are made even in the later hours of the event. To be honest, this will probably be the safest night out we have ever had.

Your next thought is probably, "Why not do something more productive than drinking?" The answer to this is simple. It's easier to motivate people my age to participate in a fundraiser where the activity is something they enjoy. How many people do you think would have signed up for a Hurricane Katrina Weed-pull-a-thon? The response to this idea by my peers has been overwhelming, and I think it is because they get to do something fun while doing something else they know they should. The real work here is in gathering pledges before the event and collecting the donations after.

I would also like to invite you to peruse the Questions page at http://www.katrinadrinkathon.org/4.aspx for more information about this fundraiser.

Hopefully I have convinced you of the validity of this fundraiser, so now comes the sales pitch. I would like to ask you to sponsor us. I understand that a lot of people have already given and if you have then great! But if you haven't or can give a little more then I would really appreciate it. If you don't like the idea of sponsoring drinking, then we can also accept a lump sum donation for a fixed dollar amount.

Thank you for at least taking a look at the site. We were informed this morning that our local paper, Westword, will be doing a story about our fundraiser sometime during the next week.

I would like to ask you to ask anybody you know for pledges on our behalf. The goal we set is very high and the only chance we have of achieving that goal is if we can get lots of help!

Collaring Some Observations

2005-09-08T11:25:00.000-06:00

After two consecutive sad, gloomy and joyless posts, it’s time for some non-melancholy observations!

- I know this is going to sound really vain, but I recently Google’d a sentence out of one of my postings and when it came up on Google, I got really excited and proud! For some reason it feels like a major life accomplishment.

- I don’t know if this is a product of getting older or what, but I hate the fact that I am a more emotional person now than I was 3 years ago. I was watching Nine Innings From Ground Zero on HBO this morning when I was getting ready for work and eating Cocoa-Puffs, and it almost made me cry! Seriously it did. What the hell is wrong with me? And last week I was watching this 9/11 show on the National Geographic Channel and I almost cried that time, too. I don’t understand where all this emotion is coming from?! Has this type of transformation happened to anyone else or am I turning into a pansy? I need to know.

- What’s the deal with Texans and their obsession with their state flag? They put that freakin’ flag on everything and anything possible. Does any other state have a bigger love affair with their flag than the state of Texas?

(Do most people, besides Texans, even know what their state flag looks like?)

- Speaking of states, I saw a commercial the other day that suggested Mississippi is the hardest state to spell. I’d have to respectfully disagree. I would say Massachusetts (I needed spell check to get that right) is by far the hardest, followed by Pennsylvania (easy to confuse s-y-l combination) and then maybe Connecticut, Illinois or Tennessee. I would think Mississippi is easier than all of those states to spell.

- Yesterday I was eating a bag of the new cheesier Nacho-cheese Doritos and the color of these new and improved Doritos can best be described as “radioactive orange.”

- Speaking of food, I hate chop-sticks. I think they’re stupid - besides giving you something to play with while you wait for your food. Other than that, they are outdated and less effective than silverware, so why the heck do we still use them? Actually, I think I know why, because there is some weird romantic attachment to chop-sticks. Give it up, people. You still use all the other modern conveniences of dining, stop unnecessarily clinging to archaic eating utensils.

- Why do we teach little kids to call trains choo-choo trains? We don’t call automobiles, frooom-frooom cars or planes errrrr-errrre airplanes – it seems strange to teach kids to label locomotives in such a descriptive fashion. Not to mention the eventual disappoint the child will experience boarding a train that doesn’t go choo-choo (since most don’t anymore) or the confusion of stepping onto a Monorail at Disneyland.

- Attention all men! The flipping-up of your collar thing makes you look really stupid. And it’s just not me talking here, I have yet to meet a women who is a fan of this recent style trend. Next to white men getting both of their ears pierced, this is one of my least favorite fashion trends of the last 10 years. It has to go, so please stop. Please. You look ridiculous, like those two guys from the Bacardi commercials.

- And finally, the topic of cell-phone etiquette has been written about time and time again, so I am not going soapbox over an already saturated topic. But it’s hilarious how when in a social setting, i.e. – a bar or a restaurant, people can’t sit alone. If you and a friend are out, and your friend leaves to go to the bathroom, you have to pull out your cell-phone and text message someone, or check the time, or play a game on your phone or call someone, or check your voicemail. Happens all the time, you just have to do it. It’s almost like you are a loser if you are sitting by yourself, not having some sort of social interaction (or the appearance of a social interaction) – and the cell phone makes you look popular and wanted.

It’s a very similar phenomenon to when two people are sitting together, and one gets a phone call, and the other person inevitably pulls-out their cell-phone and calls someone or checks their voicemail or text messages someone. Certainly you can’t look like the unwanted or lonely person in the group, either.

And the best part of this law is that it doesn’t only apply to groups of two. If two people in a group of three are on their phones, you know what that third person will be doing before long.

For the record, women are far guiltier of this then men.

A Loss For Words

2005-09-06T10:53:00.000-06:00

Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes it’s hard to find the right way, the right context, the right approach, to express emotions when something happens that is beyond words. It’s easy to crack jokes about how a restaurant labels its men’s and women’s restrooms or pros and cons of certain gambling strategies, but it’s far more challenging to wrap your heart and mind around ending a relationship or what has happened in New Orleans.

I have wanted to write about both of those events over the last week, but I have had a hard time finding the right voice to do that successfully. I guess I am afraid of not being able to find the right combination of words that would give each of those events their proper due. Now don’t get me wrong, my own personal loss pales in comparison to what has happened in New Orleans and Mississippi, but I don’t want to accidentally detract from the significance of either of those of things by throwing out a half-hearted effort or saying the wrong thing or not saying enough.

Even though I have received great response from Friday’s post, I can’t shake the feeling that I didn’t pay proper tribute to a person and a relationship that has meant so much to me over the last few years. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last night to see if I could gain some sort of perspective, but instead, all it did was confirm in my mind that I didn’t do enough to commemorate how much this person touched my life. So now what do I do? Do I try to write more? Do I let it be?

I have watched in horror as the tragedy in New Orleans unfolded (by the way, that is the proper use of the word tragedy). I am not an expert in disaster planning or recovery, but it seems like more should have been done last week in response to the hurricane, and more should have been done the 24-48 hours before the hurricane hit mainland. Hurricanes aren’t tornadoes or earthquakes, in the sense we don’t know when and where they are going to strike, but I remember reading and watching CNN days in advance about how serious the hurricane was. So why didn’t more people evacuate? Well, New Orleans isn’t Beverly Hills and a lot of the residences couldn’t afford to flee. Understandable. So why wasn’t the mayor, the governor, FEMA and Homeland Security, sending in boats, buses, additional planes, whatever, to get these people out and brace for the worst? If we can’t properly respond to an event that we got a few day notice on, how can we properly respond to an event, like 9/11, that we don’t get any? Since 9/11, aren’t we suppose to be more prepared for the unthinkable? Judging by the response so far, it doesn’t look we are. Scary.

I think one of the problems we have in this country is that we rush to judgment. We don’t allow enough time for things to set-in and for us to have the proper time to evaluate what has happened. That being said, I think all of the criticism being thrown at the government, both local and federal, is justified. There is no reason the people of New Orleans should have waited for help as long as they did. Remember, after 9/11, President Bush was at Ground Zero, standing on the rubble, talking to firefighters the very next day. President Bush played golf in California and attended an Astros game before touching down in New Orleans days later and ending his vacation early. Maybe there was nothing practically he could have done, but at least make an effort, or appear that you are doing something, heck anything (just like he did in NYC). I guess I am just disappointed that those in power didn’t do more for the people of New Orleans.

So I have these two events in my life that I wish there was more I could do. I wish I lived closer to New Orleans so I could drive down there and help. I gave money, but that seems so impersonal and easy, even though it’s probably what they need most at this point. And then I have this loss of a relationship. I wish there was something I could do, even though I know the prudent thing to do is to do nothing. But just like giving cash seemed easy and impersonal to the people of New Orleans; doing nothing and writing a short post comparing my situation to Joel’s and Clementine’s in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, seems easy and uninspired.

I guess in both instances, I need to take my own advice – and don’t rush to action or judgment. For someone as impatient as me, who demands actions and results on my timeframe, not someone else’s, that will be a difficult task.

My Spotless Mind

2005-09-02T11:38:00.000-06:00

My favorite screenwriter (yes, I have one) is by far Charlie Kaufman. He has written two of the most creative screenplays in the history of the world, Adaptation and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I wrote a few weeks ago that I had to say goodbye to a close friend. Well, I had to say goodbye to someone else. However, this person just wasn’t just a good friend or someone I dated for a while, this person was one of my best friends and someone for whom I love. For a life-long commitment-phoebe, that’s hard for me to say.

Unfortunately, saying goodbye to this person at this stage in our lives was the right thing to do. (Though I’m not sure you can ever truly say goodbye to anyone who leaves such an imprint in your life) The Shakespearian-like tragedy of this relationship is that minus one substantial variable, we would have an amazing relationship and possibly even a marriage.

Anyway, without turning this into a session with Dr Laura, I’ve been going through a rough time lately. Between saying goodbye to a close friend and then having to say goodbye to a best friend that I love a short time later, I haven’t been this melancholy since KU lost to Syracuse in the NCAA championship game on my birthday two years ago. In all seriousness though, I haven’t been this sad since my mom died.

I have to admit that what scares me the most is how I will be remembered by this person. In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, both Jim Carrey’s character, “Joel” and Kate Winslet’s character, “Clementine” have their memories erased after an unsuccessful and painful relationship. Halfway through his mind-erasing procedure, “Joel” starts having doubts about giving up his memories. Finally, as the last of his memories are about to be erased forever, he has this conversation with “Clementine” in his memory …

JOEL
I still thought you were going to save me. Even after everything.

CLEMENTINE
I know.

JOEL
It would be different, if we could just give it another go around.

CLEMENTINE
Remember me. Try your best. Maybe we can.

Perfect.

In this scene, Clementine knows that “now” isn’t the right time for their relationship.

Clementine wants Joel to try his best to remember, to try his best in life – and everything will be fine.

Clementine realizes that life is strange enough, and that there is enough magic in the moonlight, that maybe someday they’ll find each other again.

Clementine’s last words to Joel are exactly how I feel right now.

I want this person to remember. I want her to try her best in her life and try her best to remember everything.

And when I wonder if I will ever talk to this person again, or see her big, blue eyes again, or laugh with her again, or hug her again, or wonder if we will ever get another go around - all I can say is ...

Remember me. Try your best. Maybe we can.

Finding Forrest

2005-08-30T17:51:00.000-06:00

Forrest Gump is a movie that vexes me. The movie was released in 94’, years before I really became a mature movie watcher. Back then, I didn’t know what a good movie was, and during that time, Forrest Gump topped my favorites list. When the movie originally came out, I saw it in the theatres several times and I was seriously rooting for the film during the Academy Awards while I was in Vegas (can you imagine me sitting in a Vegas hotel room watching the Oscars instead of being out on the Strip?). That year, Forrest Gump had to compete against one of my other favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption (though it wasn’t one of my favorites at the time) and Pulp Fiction.

But for some reason, Forrest Gump hasn’t held up very well over time. When I am asked what my favorite movies are, Forrest Gump has slipped from the top spot, to at least the 5 spot – trailing far behind: The Godfather, American Beauty, Adaptation and The Shawshank Redemption. So why did this classic American film slip so much? Was it the Forrest Gump-craze that swept the nation, not unlike the craze we would go through five years later with Titanic, that somehow detracted from the film’s quality and message? Was it a perceived lack of real-life, everyday themes? Was it just another role where Tom Hanks played the good guy? Was it being desensitized to the improbable events that made the movie so memorable in the first place? Was it too cute of a film to be taken seriously, despite winning Best Picture?

On Sunday afternoon, I sat down to critically watch Forrest Gump – to answer some of those questions and to once and for all figure out if this movie is deserving to be called one of my favorites, or one of those movies from my movie-watching-youth, that I thought was good, only to grow-up and realize the movie is terribly flawed.

Like I did with the birthday celebration last week, here is a running account of Forrest Gump …

- Ahh yes, the classic feather-dropping scene kicks off the movie, accompanied by the beautiful Forrest Gump Theme. Great start. I may have just spotted a few goosebumps on my arm.

- As Forrest sits at the bus stop, on that legendary park bench, he picks up the feather and opens up his suitcase. Thanks to the zoom button on the remote control to the DVD player, I am able to zoom-in and see what some the contents of Forrest’s suitcase are: his ping-pong paddle, his Bubba-Gump Shrimp hat, an I Love New York pin, a Fortune Magazine with him and Lt. Dan featured on the cover, and the Curious George book that he places the feather in.

- First memorable line on the movie, “life is like a box chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” One of the traits of a great movie is the ability to create memorable and quotable lines. While Forrest Gump doesn’t provide a lot of adult wisdom like, “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Or a lot of quotable humor like, “a little push-push in the bush.” It does have a surplus of dialog that has found a permanent home in the American language. Quite an accomplishment.

- We flashback to Forrest’s childhood … He is getting braces put on his legs while his family physician smokes in his face. Ahh, the good ole’ days when smoking was pretty much acceptable anywhere. Nothing says health better than a doctor smoking in the examination room. Of course back then, Johnny Carson smoked on-air while doing The Tonight Show and smoking was allowed on airplanes. Amazing what we didn’t know about smoking fifty years ago.

- I am quickly getting tired of the voiceovers. As the great Robert McKee once said, “God help you if you use voiceover! Any idiot can write character narration!” Hanks and Field are acting their brains out right now - there is no need to tell me what they are thinking and feeling – I can see that on their faces and in their performances.

Of course, three of my all-times favorite movies, Adaptation, The Shawshank Redemption and Goodfellas, all contain extended voiceover. I think the best way to use voiceover is to tell details of the plot/story that would be too long and unnecessary to explain in scenes, and avoid using it to explain characters emotions.

- In one of the more … um … how would you describe it? … unforgettable scenes, Mrs. Gump has sex with Forrest’s elementary school principal in order to get Forrest admitted into public school. I’m not a psychologist, but listening to your mom screw your school principal has to be seriously psychologically damaging, right? Of course, the way Forrest openly mocks the principal’s sex sounds/grunts after he proudly says to Forrest, “your momma sure does care about your schoolin’, son,” is classic.

- Moments later, Forrest asks Mrs. Gump what is “vacation,” and she replies by saying, “vacation is when you go somewhere, and you don’t ever come back.” Evidently, Mr. Gump left Forrest and Mrs. Gump, and Mrs. Gump’s explanation is to tell Forrest that his Dad went on “vacation.” Kinda a dangerous strategy. What happens later on in life when someone tells Forrest to take a vacation - it’s going to scare the crap out of him.

- In the first of a many run-ins with celebrities, Forrest meets Elvis Presley, who is staying at the Gump house. In the following scene, Mrs. Gump has sex with Elvis, and as he is leaving tells Forrest, “your momma sure does care about rock ‘n’ roll, son.”

- In one of the many heartwrenching/breaking scenes, Forrest rides the school bus for the first time only to be summarily rejected by all of his classmates. Ouch. For personal reasons, this scene hits a little too close to home. That’s all I have to say about that. Anyway, this is also where Forrest meets his destiny, Jenny. Jenny, like a true woman says, “are you stupid or something?” Which leads to memorable line #2, “Momma says, stupid is as stupid does.” Sounds like true love.

- Call me sappy, but I love the “peas and carrots” analogy.

- Despite Sally Field only being 10 years older than Tom Hanks, she is doing an exemplary job as his mother. To Forrest, his mother is larger than life and the source of all wisdom, and Field is just nailing the part.

- However, Forrest just remarked that, “Momma says miracles happen every day …” Dang it, it’s an oxymoron to say that miracles happen everyday! Almost by definition, miracles can’t happen everyday. Didn’t we just discuss this like two weeks ago!? I guess I need to forward my posting to the Gump’s. I take back what I just said about Sally Field.

- “Run Forrest, run!” 3rd memorable line of the movie. I wonder what Forrest runs the 40 in?

- Thanks again to the remote for the DVD player, I am able to watch the University of Alabama football sequences in super-slow motion. Turns out, when Forrest returns the kickoff for a touchdown, he avoids 15 defenders from the opposing team. For those of you who don’t follow football, each team has 11 players on the field. The fact that Forrest just returned a kickoff against 15 players IS a miracle.

After the game, Mrs. Gump has sex with Alabama head football coach, Paul “Bear’ Bryant, even though Forrest has a full-ride football scholarship to the university. As the coach leaves, he tells Forrest, “your momma sure does care about special teams, son.”

- In another awkward sex scene, after touching Jenny’s breasts, Forrest inadvertently ejaculates all over Jenny’s roommate’s bathrobe. Welcome to college dorm life! Afterwards, Forrest remarks that he is “dizzy” and needs a sandwich.

- All-American football player Forrest Gump heads to White House to meet JFK. While Forrest is chugging Dr. Peppers, Mrs. Gump heads into the Oval Office and seduces the president. As JFK leaves the East Wing, he tells Forrest, “your momma sure does care about the Cuban missile crisis, son.”

- After college graduation, Forrest is cornered by Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, who convince him to join the Army and head to Iraq. On the Army bus, Forrest meets his new best friend Bubba Bush, who tells him how much he like shrimp as Forrest corrects his grammar and tells him how to pronounce the word, “nuclear.”

All joking aside, the supporting characters gives this film a lot of its life. While Hanks gives his normal A+ Hanks performance and Forrest’s charm is endearing, and the cameos and historical references are interesting; Bubba, Momma Gump and Lt. Dan are the glue that holds the film together. Bubba’s simplicity, sincerity and childlike friendship, Momma Gump’s unconditional love and Lt. Dan’s anger and pain, are what adds context to Forrest’s almost fairytale like, though inspirational, stories. Without them, we have no contrast to Forrest’s innocent world. If Mykelti Williamson, Sally Field and Gary Sinise don’t dominate in those roles, we lose the emotional impact of film, and it unequivocally comes across as hokey.

(I also think that it’s the strength of the supporting roles that separates a really good movie from a great movie. For example, without stellar performances by the Fitt’s next door, the Real Estate King and Angela Hayes, American Beauty loses way too much of everything to be considered a great movie. Same with Fredo, Sonny, Luca Brasi, Tessio, Clemenza and Tom Hagen in The Godfather. Or Brooks, Warden Norton, Hadley, Bogs and Tommy in The Shawshank Redemption. While it’s obviously important to have the right people in the lead roles, often the supporting roles is what gives the film its character (pun intended). To further illustrate this point, lets look at an example from professional sports. While the Bulls absolutely needed Michael Jordan on the team to win their championships, it was the emergence of Scottie Pippen, in combination with the supporting performances from Steve Kerr, Dennis Rodman, John Paxson, Horace Grant and Bill Cartwright that took the Bulls from a good team to a dynasty. That same philosophy applies to movies.)

Back to the movie …

- During basic training, some of Forrest’s Army buddies masturbate to a picture of Jenny in Playboy. Poor Forrest, that one had to hurt.

- In one of my favorite scenes, before being sent to Vietnam, Forrest goes to visit Jenny who is “performing” at a local “venue.” Of course, the “venue” is a strip club and Jenny is singing prior to stripping. Forrest totally ignores all of those rather large and important details and instead views the setting and circumstances as Jenny’s dream of being a folk singer coming to fruition.

I have to admit every time I watch this scene I can’t help but be envious of Forrest’s optimism. Okay, maybe his 75 IQ doesn’t allow him to see past the things that us normal adults do , but the ability to overlook or ignore all the ugliness that is surrounding Jenny in the name of love is admirable. Wouldn’t it be great if we were able to do that in similar situations?

- You know you are watching a movie about Vietnam when the song, “Fortunate Son” is playing while viewing footage of helicopters flying over a jungle.

- One of the more interesting debates that surrounds Forrest Gump is who is smarter, Bubba or Forrest? On one hand, Bubba knows everything there is to know about the shrimping business, but Forrest may not be a smart man, but he does know what love is. I think I’ll tackle this debate in a future posting.
- During the Vietnam sequences, two songs play that have great beginnings before anything is sung: “For What It’s Worth” by Buffalo Springfield and “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by The Byrds.

- Okay last time I will make this joke … Mrs. Gump flies to Vietnam and has sex with Ho Chi Minh. As he leaves the tent, he says to Forrest, “your momma sure does care about ending this war, son.” Okay, I’m done with that joke now.

- Forrest gets shot in the ass, Forrest saves Lt. Dan, Bubba dies, Jenny doesn’t receive any of Forrest’s letters (at this point I think we can actually hear Forrest’s heart breaking on film … or at least mine breaking for him), Forrest gets awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, Forrest learns he’s a savant when it comes to ping-pong and is sent back home to States.

Whew. A lot just happened. Most movies slow down and lose pacing in the middle of the second act, not this film.

- Forrest delivers a powerful, yet silent address at an anti-war rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. According to IMDB.com, this is what Forrest says after the speakers are unplugged and we can no longer hear him talking, “Sometimes when people go to Vietnam, they go home to their mommas without any legs. Sometimes they don't go home at all. That's a bad thing. That's all I have to say about that."

- Forrest finds his way to New York and into the company of a bitter and legless Lt. Dan. When Forrest tells Lt. Dan his plans of becoming a shrimp boat captain, he responds by saying the day that happens, is the day he’ll be an astronaut. In a related story, both Tom Hanks and Gary Sinise’s next film is Apollo 13.

- Lt. Dan thanks Forrest for saving his life in a nearly flawless scene. What detracts from the scene is the voiceover. Lt. Dan jumps off the boat and into the water to make his peace with God. Gary Sinise is in the acting-zone right now and it’s pretty obvious why he is swimming. We didn’t need Forrest to tell us – the scene would have played better with just the musical score in the background and the sight of Lt. Dan swimming.

- Momma Gump dies of cancer leaving Forrest even more alone. His best-friend Bubba has died, so has his mom, and Jenny is off in California getting beat-up by drug abusers and doing lines of cocaine. Something tells me that Forrest would trade his millions of dollars in wealth for just one of those people to be back in his life. I can’t help but wonder how many people would sacrifice their best-friend or their true love, to never have to worry about money again and be obscenely rich? In fact, at this point in the story, Jenny is one of those people.

- Jenny finds her way back to Forrest again. It’s amazing how in life, just as in film, how certain people are destined to be part of your life forever. Anyway, Jenny and Forrest continue to strengthen their relationship, which climaxes when Forrest proposes to Jenny on the Fourth of July. Jenny, not realizing what she has and undeserving of Forrest’s unconditional love, quickly rejects him.

That night, she has sex with Forrest, as I bite my tongue not to make any ill-timed 40-Year Old Virgin jokes. Jenny, learning from the success of this technique earlier in the film decides to run away from Forrest again. “Run Jenny, run!”
- At the end of The Godfather, Part II, Michael is all alone; and there is a scene with him sitting outside of his house with this just amazing look on his face as he reflects on his life and how he got to where he is. After Jenny leaves Forrest for the fifty-fourth time, Forrest sports the exact same look. The difference is that Michael got what he deserved, Forrest didn’t. (Side note: Forrest Gump and The Godfather, Part II are probably both Hanks and Pacino’s best performances)

- Forrest’s heartbreak leads to the most controversial part of the movie - the running sequence. Forrest Gump comes in at over 3+ hours and if there is a part of the film that drags, this is it. It’s necessary because it gives Forrest time to heal from Jenny’s wounds, and losing everyone in his life that meant anything to him (except for Lt. Dan), and it gives him something to do on a daily basis. At this point in his life, Forrest doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t need to work, and can only cut the grass so many times in a week – so it’s obvious he needs something to fill his time - and that is what his running does.

Interestingly, both Jenny and Forrest need to run during this time in the movie in order to heal and find there way back to each other, and eventually conclude their love story. Jenny metaphorically runs while Forrest literally runs.

While the running scenes are relevant, creating the “Shit Happens” bumper sticker and the “Have a Nice Day’ t-shirt are totally unnecessary. At this point in the story, we already appreciate how Forrest, an ordinary man with very few god-given gifts, takes those limitations and parlays them into personal, and often time historical, victories. What the film should be focusing on instead is the completion of Forrest and Jenny’s love story and their character arcs. Forrest’s place in history is secure, lets not waste time on gimmicky ideas that are unnecessary in furthering along the story.

- So finally, Forrest and Jenny are reunited one last time and we learn that Forrest is the father of Jenny’s young son. In what is the most moving and emotional scene of the entire movie, Forrest terrifyingly and reluctantly asks Jenny if Forrest, Jr. is smart or dumb. I swear, I almost cry every time I watch this scene. Not wanting his son to experience the same struggle, pain and ridicule that he did, is just perfectly acted by Hanks and is a poignant glimpse into the character’s heart. Shortly after, destiny is fulfilled and Jenny’s life is redeemed, as Forrest and Jenny finally get married. Also during this time, Lt. Dan’s journey to happiness is complete, as we learn he now has a new fiancée and new prosthetic legs, both allow him to walk upright again (the warm look Lt. Dan and Forrest share prior to the wedding parallels in greatness only to the look Ray Kinsella and his father share at the end of Field of Dreams).
Of course the final tragedy of Forrest and Jenny is that their time spent as a married couple is too short – for Jenny is dying of … well, we don’t know, but it’s strongly suggested she is dying of AIDS. This time though, Forrest is not left alone, as he now has the greatest and most literal symbol of Jenny and his love, as he is left with Forrest Jr. to raise.

So what’s my conclusion about Forrest Gump?

I can’t help but think that reason Forrest Gump hasn’t held up over time is because we were oversaturated by Forrest Gump-mania – the Bubba-Gump hats and t-shirts that lined every Blockbuster for about two years, the Bubba-Gump chain restaurants, the simple, yet easily repeatable dialog that became an essential part of our everyday vocabulary for about a year – the movie was so popular and was freakin’ everywhere you looked, that you never got time to sit back and appreciate the film for what it is.

Robin Wright’s performance as Jenny has to be one of the most underrated lead performances in movie history – she wasn’t even nominated for an Academy Award – and Jodie Foster in Nell and Susan Sarandon in The Client were – yikes (does anyone even remember those films?). Jenny’s life is the opposite of Forrest – unloved by her parents, attractive, smart, missed countless opportunities to do the right thing, typical flower-power girl of the 60’s, and so much wasted potential. And Robin Wright nails Jenny’s tragic descent and eventual salvation flawlessly.

AFI released their top 100 love stories last year and Forrest Gump didn’t even make the list – don’t worry though, Roxanne and The American President did. In perusing that list, I noticed that too many “great” love stories are flash-in-the-pan romances. Like in Titanic, Jack and Rose know each other for less than a week. In Pretty Woman, Edward and Vivian only know each other for about six days. In Sleepless In Seattle, Sam and Annie know each other for about 15 minutes. Truly great love stories in movies are those that are more substantial, like in When Harry Met Sally; Harry and Sally are friends for 10 years prior to falling in love. Or in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly and Paul are friends for some time before they begin their romance. And in Forrest Gump, Jenny and Forrest wait more than 25 years before they get married. I think these movies are stronger, more meaningful love stories because they closely resemble the great loves in our own lives. I can’t think of a single person who fell in love over the course of a week, but I know dozens of people who married their best friend.

I still love Forrest Gump as much today as I did when I saw some 10+ years ago – but I love it for different reasons now. Before I loved it because it was an inspirational tale about a below average, sometimes funny, sometimes wise, guy who lives an extraordinary life and plays an active part in some of the most interesting events in our history, with some of the most interesting historical figures; all the time maintaining his innocence and optimism. While I still feel that way, what I love now are the relationships. The way Forrest and Lt. Dan look at each other at Forrest’s wedding, marking the end of their long journey. The way Mrs. Gump used her special perspective to try to make Forrest’s life more normal, “if God had intended all of us to be the same, he would have given us all braces on our legs.” The way Bubba and Forrest lean on each other in Vietnam so neither of them have to sleep with their heads in the mud. And of course, Forrest and Jenny. Maybe I am more sensitive to their story because of issues that are going on in my life or maybe I am just getting old, but there is something wonderful about a love that despite all their differences and obstacles, and despite Jenny’s tendency to drift in and out of Forrest’s life, not realizing what they shared - that despite all of that, they were still destined to be together. I think that's pretty cool.

And ... That’s all I have to say about that.

(PS – I promise my next post will be much shorter!)

Partying Like It’s Your Birthday

2005-08-22T17:26:00.000-06:00

On Saturday night a large group of us went out to celebrate our friend’s/Ryan’s girlfriend, Bryn’s birthday. Armed with a little black notebook and a pen the size of a miniature golf pencil, I kept a running journal of the night’s events (while looking like a total weirdo the entire time – who takes notes in a club?). And this is what transpired …

- We are coming to you live from Denver’s new bar/club, The Donkey Den. Just to give you a little history, The Donkey Den has been the source of some controversy here in Denver recently. Evidently, in Tijuana, a "donkey den" refers to a brothel where men pay to see women have sex with animals and often participate in the sexual slavery of girls (some as young as 8). Yikes. I guess they won’t be having any 18-and under nights or bring-your-pet-to-the-bar nights anytime soon. Their menu also used to include such items as “Ho-Made Fries" and "Donkey Punch" burgers. Apparently, some people took exception to those names - especially the “Donkey Punch,” which is when during doggystyle sexual activity, a man punches his female partner as hard as he can in the back of the skull right before he reaches climax. This causes her to convulse and tighten every cavity. Such a punch is also an illegal boxing move that can cause serious and permanent injury to the brain stem.

Realizing their mistakes and feeling like total jackasses, The Donkey Den removed those items from their menu and now they regularly meet with leaders of anti-violence and women's advocacy groups here in Denver to exchange ideas about how the club can play a positive role in the community. Good recovery, guys.

- As Ryan, Bryn, Amy and I walk in to The Donkey Den, Ryan and I quickly spot a bachelorette party on the patio. Wow, that was easy – streak continues.

- Ryan orders the first drinks of the night (not counting the Smirnoff Ice I had at the house while watching the last few minutes of TiVo’d show called, “Superhuman Powers.” Nothing gets a birthday celebration off to a better start than a Smirnoff Ice and a show from the Discovery Channel), and quickly observes that instead of giving him a vodka-tonic, he receives a vodka-vodka, with a hint of tonic. Ryan proudly remarks that the bartender is pouring drinks “like a champion” and that he is going to need superhuman powers to not to be drunk by 10:45.

- Ryan gives the bartender his credit card to start a tab, and she inexplicably starts dry-humping and dancing with Ryan’s credit card. That was really weird. I guess she was overly excited to see what Ryan’s credit max is? I later suggest to Ryan that he wash-off his credit card and probably not put it too close to his nose.

- Our friend Jasmine (and fellow blogger) arrives wearing 1/3 of shirt. Quickly, the betting lines go out on the “over/under” on what time it will be the first time someone sees Jasmine’s nipple – I confidently take the “under” and put $20 on 11:07.

- Jasmine has now been at The Donkey Den about 12 minutes and has had to answer 71 questions about whether that’s her bra sticking out of the front of her shirt and whether she wore that shirt on purpose. Poor Jasmine.

- More of Bryn’s friends arrive including a group that contains at least 3 deviations of the name Lucas. Yeah, that won’t be confusing later on when everyone’s drunk. On the plus side, calling someone Lucas gives you a 50/50 chance of being right - kinda like calling a gangster Vinny or Rocco.

- Bryn-the-birthday-girl just had her first shot of the night. Happy 22nd birthday, Bryn. A buzzed Ryan prophetically tells me that he had a shot, too and that in hindsight it probably wasn’t a good idea.

- One the Lucas-es, donning a pink shirt, heads immediately over to Jasmine’s breasts for a conversation. I doubt this Lucas could pick Jasmine’s face out of a lineup but would have no problem telling me how many freckles she has on her chest.
- Pink-shirt-Lucas just put his arm around Jasmine for the 32nd time in 8 minutes - must be some sort of record.

- On the way to the bathroom, I spot one of those clear/plastic-strap bras that are suppose to be invisible. I have to admit, I am not a fan. One, they are never invisible and two, they look terrible. I’m sorry, but I think they look kinda of trashy. There is just something unattractive about clear, plastic straps taking the place of a normal bra strap. Not to mention, the clear plastic reflects a lot of light, so you’re not really “hiding” your strap anyway. Are there people out there who actually complain about seeing bra straps? Seems like the bra-strap problem is a small issue that really didn’t need to be fixed in the first place… sort-of like Iraq.

- Bryn just got happily dragged to the bar for another shot and has finally reached double digits in terms of the number of shots she has taken tonight - this time I think it was tequila. It’s still pretty early and Bryn weighs about 101 pounds – this might end badly for her. I think she’s the only one who is drunk so far.
- Ryan just loudly declared, “I’m plowed!” Correction, Ryan’s drunk too.

- Just glanced at my cell phone and it’s only 10:43. Wow. Bryn has had as many shots as there are Lucas’ in the club, and Ryan is only on his sixth vodka-vodka. Both look excessively giddy – like Ron Burgundy after Baxter saves him from the bears at the end of Anchorman.

- Out of nowhere, one of Bryn’s friends suddenly appears dressed like Alabama from True Romance. Wait, on second thought, no she isn't. I have no idea why I just wrote that down. Am I drunk? Anyway, I guess I will take this time to say that I don’t get the appeal of kung-fu. The Kill Bill movies were okay, but for the most part I find kung-fu painfully boring – like watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But some people freakin’ love kung-fu, why? What is so damn entertaining about kung-fu? How can anyone sit through a kung-fu marathon or schedule time in their daily routine to watch that stuff? I need to have someone explain this to me because I’m perplexed and baffled. I would even go so far as to say I hate kung-fu. There it is, I said it.

- I just took some time to wander around The Donkey Den by myself and people-watch. Always a good time. Which brings me to my next observation - nothing spells classy like a ragged white, wife-beater and black bra. I bet I can guess what that girl’s teeth look like.

- When you decide to wear a sports jersey to a club, what criteria do you use to pick-out the jersey?

“Let’s see – should I go with my Kobe Bryant jersey? Nah. I don’t want girls thinking about date-rape. What about my vintage Wilt Chamberlin jersey? Didn’t he sleep with like 10,000 women? Probably should pass. OJ? No. Barry Bonds? He did take steroids and I am pretty sure I read somewhere that those make your balls shrink, so NO! Magic Johnson? No, he has AIDS from sleeping around with groupies. Michael Jordan? Perfect. Who doesn’t like Michael Jordan? Classy. A winner. Good looking. I can attract girls from Illinois. Perfect.

Now, should I go with the home or away jersey? I am always being told how the home-whites always bring out my eyes …”

- Just spotted two guys fully enjoying the clever t-shirt trend.

(On a related note, where’s Jasmine when I need her? Jasmine has “met” at least two boys while we have been out – on previous nights - who were wearing clever t-shirts. She seems to have a serious weak spot for boys in t-shirts that read, “I Like Girls That Like Girls.” Guys who wear shirts like that are definitely the type of men you would want to have a relationship with and take home to meet your family. Jasmine is single, by the way.)

Oh! Just found Jasmine - Pink-Shirt-Lucas is still clutching and grabbing her – like a defensive back trying to commit pass-interference. I guess she’ll have to wait for another night to meet a man in a “One Night Stands Welcome” t-shirt. Oh-well.

Speaking of clever t-shirts, I want to create a line of successful clever t-shirts. I always see shirts that say something like, “Born Again Loser.” Instead, I want to produce a line of shirts that say, “I Have a Fully-Vested 401(k).” Or, “I Get Three Weeks Paid Vacation.” Or “I Have Business Cards and Medical and Dental Insurance.” You would think girls would rather go for guys in a shirt reading, “I am a Salaried Employee” instead of a man in a shirt that states, “I Lie to Girls.”

I need to make this idea happen so I can wear a shirt that says, “I am a Millionaire.”

- Top sign a guy is meeting a girl for the first time: he shakes her hand (otherwise he would hug her), stares at her breasts, smiles, glances at her chest again and then begins to participate in the conversation.

- A random guy just asked Jasmine and her boobs what he can get for $20, while Pink-Shirt-Lucas glares at the random guy the way McDonald’s employees glare at you when you ask for additional barbeque sauce for your nuggets.

- Our Hispanic-friend Joe joins the group and talks uninterrupted for two minutes – which allows me to say, “I don’t understand what you’re saying … I don’t speak Spanish.” Hilarity ensues (Joe was speaking plain English). I have been waiting to use that classic quote from Anchorman in a real conversation for the longest time. If I make that joke to the wrong person, I end up getting beat like a Democrat trying to win Kansas’ electoral votes, so luckily, Joe was a good sport.

- Ryan and I just got flipped-off by our friend Julie. Have no idea why. But I would like to say that just like wearing a black bra underneath a white shirt, or wearing a bra with plastic straps; girls flipping someone off is really unattractive, un-lady-like and trashy. Don’t mean to pick on you girls, but you ladies as a gender should really try to stop using your middle finger. Just a thought.

- I just noticed some of the men in our group are experiencing male-patterned baldness. I have to admit, I am terrified of going bald. With my big head, can you imagine what I would be like with no hair? Ugh. If I go bald, the only bar I am going to be getting action in will be the bar from Star Wars.

- A random drunk guy just did a goal line-like jump into Ryan, me and 4 of the Lucas-es. Like a true drunkard, he spilt some of our drinks, didn’t apologize and moved on. Considering how much room this guy had to walk-by us, I suspiciously check my pants to make sure I didn’t just get pick-pocketed.

- Ryan, showing the heart of a warrior, wisely switches from vodka-vodkas to water. On the fly, he creates the one water:one vodka/vodka ratio to be instituted for the remainder of the evening. A true stroke of genius. Only a wise and tenured drinking man has that type of drinking foresight. Just beautiful.

On a related note, Bryn just had her 20th-something shot and is beginning to make the same face athletes make after suffering a massive concussion.
- A drunk Ryan stumbles up to me and remarks, “Jasmine is hooking-up with a Carmelo Anthony look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- One of the Lucas-es and his fiancée, Rose, start grinding in front of me and Ryan. As she is dancing, Rose mentions to all of us that she is sore, which somehow spirals into an unsettling conversation about using Ben-Gay as a lubricant. Yikes. It was at this point that Lucas joined-in on the dialog, as a petrified Rose ran for cover. Lucas chimes-in by openly wondering what Ben-Gay on the balls might feel like. Freakin’ hilarious. Astonished, Ryan and I are rendered speechless and promise never to talk about this topic again.

- More of Bryn’s friends arrive and we quickly learn that they went/go to Kansas State University. I shift into the obligatory anti-Kansas State jokes like, “you went to KState? What did you do, lose a bet?” “I could have gone to KState but my SAT scores were too high.” “You must look really good in purple.” And of course, “you can’t spell suck without KSU.” The KState’ers have no idea what to say in response to my playful barbs. I was waiting for them to say to me, “I don’t understand what you’re saying, I don’t speak English.” Instead, they give me the same blank look the people in Men in Black have on their faces after they had their minds erased by the deneuralizer.

Besides that, they seem like really nice people.

- Ryan stumbles up to me again and says, “Jasmine’s now hooking-up with a Kobe Bryant look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- The bathrooms at The Donkey Den are a bit confusing – “heads” and “tails.” It may make common anatomical sense to a sober person that the men are “heads” and the ladies are “tails,” but when you’re drunk, it’s a coin-toss.

- Does anyone know why a Sex on the Beach shot is called Sex on the Beach? It’s probably just a funny name or someone commemorating a sexual experience they had on the beach. But if it’s the latter, I am totally jealous. What a legacy to leave behind! I want to name a shot after one of my memorable experiences … like an Impala Rain Storm, or an Orlando Hot Tub, or a Hays Grass-stain.

- Bryn’s friend and boss, Hillary, arrives on the scene showing off her fully-functional fun-extinguisher. Luckily, we are assured that she is much more fun when she’s drunk. Great! We quickly point Hillary in the direction of our KState Wildcat friends.

- In the midst of a conversation, Ryan inadvertently drunk-spits in Rose’s Lucas’ face. Lucas, being a good sport because that tends to happen when alcohol is involved, immediately starts making fun of Ryan, only to accidentally smack Julie’s drink out of her hand and spill it all over the floor. Good times. The look on Julie’s face after this happened is the same look you get when you find out you just drank milk that expired a week ago.

- Hillary just disappeared with a guy wearing a suit, which causes Ryan to use the second great Anchorman quote of the night, “it’s so damn hot! Wearing a suit was a bad choice.”

- The DJ just put on the ever-popular dance-club song, “Billy Jean” by Michael Jackson. Do you people know what this song is about? If so, I really doubt you would be rushing to the dance floor to get-jiggy-wit-it. “Billy Jean” is about a guy who meets a girl on the dance floor, they have sex, she has a son, he denies it’s his kid, she takes him to court and then he sees a picture of the boy and realizes the kid has his eyes. Call me crazy, but is that really the type of song you want to celebrate when you are meeting girls at a club, dancing with them and possibly scoring with them later on? Is this really the area you want to temp fate and irony?

- Ryan stumbles up to me again and says, “Jasmine’s now hooking-up with a Shaquille O’Neal look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- As the night starts to wind-down, Bryn is getting attention from about six friends trying to prevent her from puking and/or passing out. Always a sign of a successful birthday celebration. The way they are working on Bryn looks as if they are trying to diffuse a bomb. I think I just overheard Ryan telling Rose to be careful not to cross the green wire with the yellow wire.

- Pink-Shirt-Lucas is contemplating a way of kidnapping Jasmine’s breast and Jasmine without any legal implications. I think he just challenged the Shaquille O’Neal look-alike to game of HORSE for the rights to take home Jasmine’s chest.

- End of the night planning suddenly starts to occur everywhere: who is driving who home? Who needs prophylactics? Who needs saving or beer goggles? Who needs help walking out to the car? Who can find the missing the parts to Jasmine’s shirt? Why does Julie keep asking Rose’s Lucas about Ben-Gay?

- The night was polished off with some great late-night pizza. With all due respect to Taco Bell, McDonalds and Philly cheese steaks, pizza is the king of all drunk food. If I was going to get executed for a crime after a night of drinking, my last meal would definitely be two slices of pepperoni from Pyramid Pizza.

Sorry if this got a little lengthy, but this is the first time I tried the whole journal-thing, so if people like it, I’ll do it again for other events. And I’ll try to keep it a little bit shorter next time.

I Love Poetry

2005-08-19T09:30:00.000-06:00

I received some more Christian SPAM - a wonderful Christian poem. And I thought every one might want to read it.

I think I’ll respond as the poem goes along ... (my comments will be in black, original comments in blue).

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule

(For the millionth time, prayer in school is not against the rules. A Christian can pray 10,000 times per day without consequence. What is against the rules, is making your schoolmate-friend Muhammad join you in praying to Jesus Christ before or during third period French class. Is this such a hard concept to grasp? Seriously. Christians, pray as much as you want in class, do you really need an announced prayer-time, like in church, in order to pray at school? No one is telling you to stop praying - what we are saying is quit requiring all the Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, Atheists, Taoist, and everyone else to join in you in praying to Jesus. A little religious tolerance and sensitivity to other’s beliefs would be a nice change of pace.)

For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.

(Not true. Biblical scripture is welcome in a religious studies class and in the hallways of your public school. Where it is inappropriate is during biology, English and algebra. If someone was assigning required reading from the Bible during English Lit class, then that would be a violation of the 1st Amendment. See the difference? In fact, as a student, you are more than welcome to read your Bible at school. It is your right to read your Bible at school, provided it doesn’t interfere with your education or the education of fellow students.)

And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

(For the millionth and one time, bow your head and pray as much as you like – just stop requiring everyone else to join you. What’s the old adage, “misery likes company?” I’m sorry that was harsh – just a joke.)

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

(A little closer to the truth, but still not 100% accurate. You and your classmates can pray at school, before a test or in the halls (remember how every school has a Bible club or a prayer vigil by the flagpole, for instance?), but your prayers, aloud or silent, cannot interfere or disrupt the educational experience of other students, nor can you require the other students to participate or have the school organize such prayers.)

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.

(Obviously practicing religious sensitivity is a serious issue that must be put to a stop. We definitely don’t want that - especially since our Founding Fathers were escaping religious persecution. What we need to do is require people of non-Christian faith and people of no faith to pray to Jesus.

And again, not to beat a dead horse (what a weird cliché that is), but you can pray in a public hall – just don’t have the state sponsor your prayer. I am pretty sure it doesn’t say in the Bible that public prayer to Jesus needs to be sponsored by the government. In fact, the Bible does say that Christians should be obedient to laws of where they live ... Hmmm ... I guess that Bible teaching doesn't apply to the laws of the US, otherwise Christians would stop pushing this agenda.)

In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

(Actually, profanity and/or abusive language is not allowed in most publicly-funded buildings, including courthouses and schools. Considering piercings regularly have religious and cultural significance, it’s interesting that the Christian author of this poem would consider that freaky. Plus, dressing like a “freak”, coloring your hair purple, or piercing a body part does not equal immorality, as the author subtly suggests.)

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

(Last time I checked, guns weren’t outlawed in the US. Remember the Second Amendment? There are certain assault weapons and bullets that are illegal, but nothing that prohibits the right to bear arms that is given in the Bill of Rights. Quoting the “Good Book” in school doesn’t make you liable of a civil rights violation, either. Quote scripture as much as you want in your classroom discussions (provided it’s relevant to the discussion) and graduation speeches, just don’t make others do it or have the school sponsor it. Quick aside, if everyone was required to worship Jesus, do Christians really want non-believers faking their faith anyway?)

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

(Who ever said teaching right from wrong was inappropriate? Regardless, the Bible isn’t the only source of moral code and teachings. In fact, most of the values stated in the Bible are not unique to the Bible and did not originate in the Bible, either. Biblical values are shared by almost every other religion in the world and were practiced and documented long before the Old Testament. Confucius taught the Golden Rule as a basis for our conscience hundreds of years before it was found in The Bible. Forcing every American to worship the Christian God is not a necessary component of teaching right and wrong. )

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

(Not killing, not stealing, and other values promoted in the Ten Commandments are found in almost every other religion and are practiced by Atheists, too. Many countries that have lower crime rates, lower teen pregnancy rates and don’t have school shootings, don’t practice the teachings of The Bible. Given the poem’s/Christian’s arguments, how is that possible? Our First Amendment exists to prevent our country from being oppressive to those with diverse viewpoints, including Christianity. Why are there Christians against this?)

If you aren't ashamed to do this, please pass this on.
Jesus said, " if you are ashamed of me," I will be ashamed of you before my Father.." Not ashamed. Passing this on

Have a great weekend!

Not Easy Being Cheesy

2005-08-18T10:08:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the long delay in-between postings. I’ve been off doing research for an essay I am writing, that I will eventually post on here, and sadly it’s slowed down my ability to write as much as I would like. My apologies.

What the hell is a bygone? The phrase “let bygones be bygones” is a weird one because no one ever uses the word bygone unless you are saying to let the bygone be bygone. Have you ever head someone say, “I remember the bygone time when you and I were driving a Chevrolet Impala and had the pull the car over because it was raining so hard.” Of course not. Very strange phenomenon. There must be other words that only get matched up with a certain phrase. If anyone can think of some, please let me know.

When I was kid, I thought a wheelbarrow was a wheelbarrel. Also, I thought it was “all intensive purposes” for a long time, before learning it was actually, “all intents and purposes.”

Ever notice on The Real World how all the cast members refer to their time on the show as an “experience.”

- I hope to learn a lot from this ‘experience.’
- I hope to meet an actual gay person or a minority during this ‘experience.’
- I hope I don’t catch an infectious STD during this ‘experience.’

Ryan and I were watching MTV’s Laguna Beach on Monday night … Remember that drinking game where you would watch a movie like Fargo, and every time someone in the movie said something like “oh, you betcha” or “yeaaah” you would have to do a shot? Well, if Ryan and I had been playing that game on Monday every time they said “hook-up” on Laguna Beach, we would both be at Denver General Hospital getting our stomachs pumped and suffering from alcohol poisoning right now. Seriously, we need to find a new phrase for hooking-up besides hooking-up. The phrase “hooking-up” is to teenagers what “fughetaboutit” is to gangsters.

Q: What’s better, a Lincoln or a Cadillac?
A: Both are hooked-up.

Q: Who’s hotter, Jessica Simpson or Scarlett Johansson?
A: I’d hook-up with both of them.

Q: What’s the weather suppose to like tomorrow?
A: I’ll hook-up with weather.com and check the forecast.

On Saturday I went to McDonalds to grab some good anti-hangover medicine in the name of a Big Mac combo. As I drove around the building towards the drive-thru, I pulled-up behind a fully-loaded red mini-van. And I don’t mean fully-loaded as in it had power windows, a sunroof and cruise control. I mean it was fully loaded with about 7 people. Right then, I knew I was in for a really long wait.

Is there a worse drive-thru feeling than being right behind a car that you know has a ridiculously large order that is going to take a long time to speak into the little drive-thru speaker, for the order-taker to actually get the order right, for the restaurant to make the food, give it to the waiting vehicle (always a few bags worth of food and a tray-full of drinks) and then have the car-load make sure they got all the right food and then ask for condiments, extra napkins and straws?

(Before anyone says anything, there was a bus-load of people inside the McDonalds, so going in to get my food and getting it to-go was not an option)

For those of you who have read The DiVinci Code, is anyone else a little uneasy about Tom Hanks being cast as Robert Langdon in Ron Howard’s upcoming movie? I love Tom Hanks as much as anyone – I still get mad that he didn’t win Best Actor for Saving Private Ryan and that blabbering idiot Roberto Benigni won for Life is Beautiful (who could forget that monumental performance? Somehow Roberto also beat Edward Norton in American History X?) – but I just didn’t see Tom Hanks in my mind when I visualized Robert Langdon. I hope Hanks proves me wrong because I am really looking forward to the film adaptation, and with his resume he definitely deserves the benefit of the doubt, but I still can't shake the skeptical feeling about his casting. It doesn’t help that Tom’s last two movies were The Terminal and Ladykillers, either.

(I just learned that Russell Crowe was considered for the role of Robert Langdon … my gut tells me that may have been a better choice – time will tell. Oh, and Paul Bettany of Beautiful Mind and Wimbledon fame was cast as the albino redhead, Silas! I definitely didn’t picture him in that role, but now I get to make, “tell him you’re the Holy Grail! Tell em’ you’re a genius, Robert,” jokes throughout the whole movie.)

One more thing about The DiVinci Code, I bet $100 right now that the movie will be 3+ hours in length.

Isn’t brushing your teeth after you have eaten Oreo cookies really, really disgusting? Seriously, does your toothbrush ever look grosser than after you have downed a half dozen Double-Stuff Oreo’s? I would be happy with my life’s legacy if I could somehow rid the world of nasty post-Oreo-eating toothbrushes and figure out a way for Cheetos to not leave that neon-orange residue on your fingers after eating a bag. I would wager that if the Cheeto-People included a moist towelette (like they do at KFC) that sales would increase 7-12%.

The Cheetoo-People don’t realize they are inadvertently limiting the times in my life when I can eat Cheetos. For instance, because of the neon-orange residue, I cannot eat Cheetos and operate a car. Why? Because you can’t get all that stuff off your fingers unless you wash your hands (and licking that stuff off your fingers is just wrong), and I am certainly not getting that gunk on the radio buttons, the climate control buttons or on the inner-thigh of the girl sitting next to me. So that eliminates Cheetos from road trips. You can’t eat Cheetos and read a book – you don’t want to leave orange stains on the pages. You can’t eat them at social events – no one wants to shake hands with Chester-the-Cheetah. You can’t commit a crime and eat Cheetos – can you imagine the CSI or Forensic File episode with a criminologist pulling Cheeto fingerprints from the scene of a crime? You can’t even work and eat Cheetos – who wants that orange crap all over their mouse and keyboard?

All of these problems could be easily eliminated with the inclusion of a moist towelette in every bag. The additional cost of including a moist towelette would be negated by the increased sales to people who can now eat Cheetos while having thumb-wars, giving full-body massages, playing cards, working in laboratories and of course on the Space Shuttle.

I really need to put in charge of Frito-Lay.

No Need to Panic

2005-08-09T18:01:00.000-06:00

“I don’t like talking about things I did in the past or the things I’ve done.”

Tonya from ‘Kill Reality’ and ‘Real World: Chicago’ redundantly talking and speaking about her personal life.

Monday’s short posting certainly generated a lot of emails, phone calls and comments. I didn’t realize that talking about childbirth and my personal life would cause such a stir. I feel like I should have released my blog through Al-Jazeera or something. Anyway, I want to clarify two things:

First – I understand how amazing childbirth is, but that still doesn’t qualify it as a miracle. The definition of a miracle is, “an event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin.” How does childbirth qualify when it’s easily explainable by the laws of nature and certainly isn’t supernatural? If I had a dollar for every time I heard the, “when you have kids you’ll understand,” comment between now and Monday, I wouldn’t have to play PowerBall. Listen, I get the point that childbirth is a life-altering event, just not a miraculous one.

Here are some examples of real miracles:

- God turning water into wine.
- 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team.
- George Bush’s re-election.
- Me getting a date during my high school days.
- Las Vegas.
- “Walking in Memphis” singer Marc Cohn getting shot in the head after a concert in Denver this week, having a bullet lodged into his head and not dying. Actually the miraculous part is not the shooting, but rather that Marc Cohn was performing in a concert that people paid to attend.

On a related note, just as every birth isn't a miracle, every death is not a tragedy. Everyday occurrences in the world, like life and death, are not always miracles and tragedies. People die and people are born – that’s life. Just as childbirth is a wonderful experience, every death is worth mourning – both are to be cherished. Overusing powerful phrases, like miracle and tragedy, desensitizes the audience and detracts from events that are worthy of being called such.

Second – The person that inspired the Meet Joe Black quote DID NOT die. She is still alive and living well in southwest Denver. Sorry for causing any unnecessary concern or alarm. Also, I am not depressed or suicidal. I am not about ready to pull a “Brooks” from Shawshank Redemption or a “Frankie Pentangeli” from Godfather, Part II. I’m fine. Really.

I guess I didn’t realize how weird or rare it was for me to show some emotion or do something sweet. As I try to grow as a person, I am attempting to do more things that I am not exactly comfortable with. For a whole plethora of reasons, I don’t like to admit my feelings about certain people in my life. I know, I know, it’s an elementary concept for most people, but I suck at it. Really bad. But I’m trying. And Monday’s posting was my attempt to say thank you to a person who has been very influential in my life, and a person who made my life better. And I just wanted to share that with everyone – it was long overdue.

Dramatic Topic Change …

- In Cincinnati, there is a high school basketball player being recruited by all the major colleges named OJ Mayo. That’s right, OJ Mayo. Isn’t that the best name? If your name is OJ don’t you have to go play for the Syracuse Orangemen? What do want for lunch? OJ Mayo. What’s a good source of Vitamin C and a condiment? OJ Mayo.

- If you are cycling fan, can your favorite cyclist be anyone other than Lance Armstrong? Seriously, does anyone else have a bigger monopoly on a fan base than him? Granted, the fan base is only 62 people plus Sheryl Crow, but it’s still pretty impressive.

(By the way, that Dell computer commercial with Sheryl Crow singing a song called, “Good is Good,” has some really cheesy lyrics - “Good is good and bad is bad.” Yikes Sheryl. Guess you’re not going to be giving John and Paul a run for their lyrical-money anytime soon. What happened to songs like “My Favorite Mistake” and “Leaving Las Vegas?”)

- Speaking of music, here are five songs that have incredible beginnings before anything is sung (in no particular order):

1) Bittersweet Symphony (by the Verve) - I get goosebumps and a smirk every time I hear those crazy violins. Very underrated song. Would it be wrong to have this played at my wedding due to how cool the violins sound and the double meaning of the song’s title?

2) Paint it Black (by The Rolling Stones) – The first 15 seconds just inspires you to do something evil … maybe I should stop listening to this song.

3) Money for Nothing (by the Dire Straits) – One of the best riffs ever written. If I could play the guitar, I would sit in my room and play it over and over again until I started to get money for nothing and chicks for free.

4) Only the Good Die Young (by Billy Joel) – Since I officially changed his nickname from the Piano Man to the Piano God, it is now literally a sin to say anything disparaging about Billy – that is unless you are making fun of his knack for driving his luxury cars into trees on Long Island. Anyway, Billy has a real gift for writing memorable and instantly recognizable starts to songs – see: Piano Man, Scenes in an Italian Restaurant, Uptown Girl (which shouldn't count because of the “Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh” at the beginning but since I make the rules and Billy Joel is the Piano God, I’ll let it slide…), and River of Dreams, for more examples of this phenomenon.

5) Machinehead (by Bush) – If I were a baseball player, this would be my intro music as I walk up to home plate, adjusting my cup seven to eight times, while Jose Canseco follows behinds me, injecting anabolic steroids in my buttocks, before settling into the batter’s box.

I am sure I missed some classic songs with great non-singing beginnings, so if you come up with any, please let me know.

Do You Believe In Miracles?

2005-08-08T11:38:00.000-06:00

“Can I get a Vodka-Tonic and a Sol?”

My best friend Ryan’s words to a bartender this weekend at 'The Soiled Dove' – perfect double meaning.

I spent a lot of time in the car on Saturday and heard those OnStar commercials about two and have dozen times over a six hour period. You know the ones where it’s an “actual” OnStar customer calling in to OnStar for some sort of vehicle assistance. Ever notice how it’s only women who keep locking their keys and children in the car. What gives? The men call OnStar for the police, sports scores and to order pizza. Women call OnStar because they keep locking their infant children and keys in the car. Nice job, ladies.

Isn’t it amazing how tumbleweed only bounces fast enough or slow enough across the highway to hit your car?

RETRACTION:
As it turns out, Ryan did encounter a bachelorette party in Casper, Wyoming two weekends ago - so his streak of consecutive bachelorette party weekends continue. Evidently, everyone in Casper marries by age 14 and 98% of the town is married, so it’s not uncommon to see one within city limits. Special thanks to Bryn Crowley for the demographic information regarding Wyoming.

I always hear that “childbirth is a miracle” … How can something that happens 1,000 times a day, everyday, for thousand of years, in every country in the world, with every species in the world – be considered a miracle? I am not saying that childbirth isn’t a special and wonderful experience (or taking away on how difficult childbirth is on the mother), but a miracle? A miracle is a supernatural act, not an everyday occurrence.

A month ago I wrote about Things I Want To Have Happen To Me That Only Happens In The Movies (http://theholeyourein.blogspot.com/2005/06/movie-things-i-want-to-have-happen.html)– here is one more you can add to the list:

I Want to Sit at a Small Local Bar and Tell the Bartender My Problems – Of course, this conversation will either take place in the day and he’ll remark that it’s too early in the day for me to be drinking, or it will be right before closing time after I have spent the entire day drinking and I totally look like Nicolas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas. I’ll tell him my problems and he’ll give me a shot that is on the house.

A League of Their Own was on Showtime for 1,543,753 time over the weekend which naturally begs the question, is it a chick flick or a sports movie?

Here’s another question, what’s the best type of post-meal burp? Yesterday, after eating a bowl of Lucky Charms, I let out a nice frosted oats and colored marshmallows burp. Ryan, standing nearby immediately identified my breakfast. After a few friendly words were exchanged, Ryan revealed to me that a post-sushi-burp is his favorite. Cereal-burps tend to be my favorite: Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruit Loops, to name a few. I would have to contend though a post-movie-theatre burp is probably my least favorite burp. There is nothing appealing about the post-buttered popcorn/peanut M&Ms/Coke taste.

In closing, I want to do something I am not totally comfortable doing … This weekend I had to say goodbye to someone who means a lot to me – more than I want to say on this blog or even admit to myself. I don’t really like to write and share touchy-feely stuff about my life, but this person is one of the most amazing people I have ever been lucky enough to spend time with. And I want to dedicate the below passage to that person - compliments of “Bill Parrish”, Anthony Hopkins’ character from Meet Joe Black:

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?

Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find that person? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Love is trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.”