Movie Question Answered

What do Sam (Tom Hanks) and Annie (Meg Ryan) do after they get down from the Empire State Building at the end of Sleepless In Seattle?

I think that they went back to Sam’s hotel in Times Square, put Jonah to bed, went down to the hotel bar, where Sam preceded to get hammered on red wine (or Zima), and ended-up talking about his deceased wife all night long before trying to awkwardly kiss Annie and convince her to come up his hotel room for “just a minute.”

Like a bad ending to an episode of Blind Date, he asks her if she likes him, she hesitantly says yes, he tries to make his move, she says no, he persists, she gets irritated, he starts launching Hail Marys, he forces her into an uncomfortable hug that lasts a few seconds too long, and then they part way.
However, the normal rules of dating don’t seem to apply to men over 35. After my mom died and my dad started dating again, I would often give him advice on when to call, what not to do, etc. For some odd reason, when you’re dating at that age, you do the exact opposite of what you do when you’re in your 20s. Instead of waiting two days to call, you call when you get home THAT NIGHT. Instead of playing it cool, you immediately send her a dozen roses. Instead of teasing her, you compliment the heck out of her. For us younger guys, that’s a totally foreign and baffling concept. It’s also quite scary. For my dad and his date, it was totally normal.

I bring this up because maybe the fact that Sam and Annie live on different coasts, don’t really know each other, will see each other only a couple times a year, he’s a widowed single dad and she recently broke-up an engagement, makes them a perfect match. After all, it’s the exact opposite of what I would do.

Review Of: Superbad

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Seth, borrowing hair and clothing from Napoleon Dynamite, and trying his best not to do a Chris Farley impression, and Evan, a dumber version of William Miller from Almost Famous, embark on a journey to provide alcohol for a party in an attempt to impress their two crushes. Wait. Actually, I could cut and paste the synopsis for Stardust in here and it would still work … check it out.

STARDUST
Tristan is the local loser who has a crush on the town hottie. In order to prove his worthiness and love for the hot chick, he sets off to find the remains of a shooting star and bring them back to the shallow, attractive girl. Along the way, Tristan encounters witches and princes and spells and black magic and talking animals and pirates and most importantly, the shooting star – whose actually is Claire Danes.

SUPERBAD
Seth and Evan are the local high school losers who have crushes on the town hotties. In order to prove their worthiness and love for the hot chicks, they set off to find alcohol and bring it back to the shallow, attractive girls. Along the way, Seth and Evan encounter fake IDs, police officers, drugs, fights, car accidents and most importantly, the alcohol.

The fact that both synopses can be written the same way is not a bad thing. In fact, it shows that mans eternal quest to prove his love for a woman is a timeless tale. But it also shows that the greater experience is not the completion of the quest, but rather the journey itself; whether it’s in Medieval England with a would-be prince or Suburban California with two horny teenagers.

Thank you for watching Inside the Actor’s Studio. I’m James Lipton.

Noteworthy Moment From Before the Movie Started:

I love the stereotypical crowds for certain types of movies. You catch an animated film and it’s a bunch of soccer-MILFs hanging out with already hyper children who aren’t paying attention and are eating candy and drinking soda for an hour and a half. A Meg Ryan film produces tons of single girls and couples where the guy is whipped. Any period piece flick or war film will have all the suburban empty-nesters out in droves, and any Depression-era film will get the Matlock Fan Club to fill the seats. Obviously you make a sci-fi movie and you have a bunch of dorks who haven’t been laid since William Shatner made a good movie. And any movie containing a “z” instead of an “s” in its title, and you have people yelling at the screen and cell phones going off the entire time.

I mention this because before seeing a young adult film like Superbad, I noticed I was surrounded by a bunch of teenagers who still think it’s funny to throw Skittles, make farting sounds when the theatre goes black, and dress like Turtle from Entourage.

Quote of the Movie:

“Have you looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard The Beatles.”

“You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.”

“Why don’t you calm down, it’s soccer.”

The last quote is directed to ESPN and everyone else who is trying in-vain to make David Beckham and soccer relevant. It’s never going to happen. We don’t care!

Pleasant Surprise:

McLovin.

And in two ways:

1) I haven’t giggled at a name throughout a movie that much since Focker in Meet the Parents.

2) Surprisingly the McLovin sequences were consistently the funniest parts of the film. The kid was a great mix between William (Charlie Korsmo) in Can’t Hardly Wait and Kyle (DJ Quails) from Road Trip. And while Seth and Evan were embarking on the most boring part of the film (trying to steal alcohol from a party), McLovin and the cops were producing lines like “You just cock-blocked McLovin.”

Nit-picking:

You thought it was a stretch how Ben (Seth Rogan) hooked-up with Allison (Katherine Heigl) in Knocked Up? That’s nothing compared to the stretch of Seth (Jonah Hill) getting even the slightest big of attention from Jules (Emma Stone) in high school.

How do I know? Because I lived Seth’s and Evan’s lives during high school. And there isn’t enough alcohol in high school to ever convince the hot, popular chick to be interested in fat, vulgar dork. It’s not happening. Believe me, I tried. And I wasn’t even fat or vulgar. Jules is getting it from half the linebacking corps and the starting backcourt.

What I Learned:

That this was a funny movie but would have been even better if Evan (Michael Cera) wouldn’t have killed it with his acting. He made Kevin (Thomas Ian Nichols) from American Pie look like Jack Nicholson.

Cards on the Table Time:

You are going to laugh aloud during this movie. You are going to get frustrated by the fact there is no way two-time Academy Award winner, Evan, is turning down his high school crush while she is drunk, offering to give him head, while dry-humping his leg, and is only wearing a bra. Think of your high school crush, are you turning them down in that scenario? I didn’t think so. Pope Benedict wouldn’t turn down his crush given those conditions and we are supposed to believe Evan will? C’mon.

Anyway, you are going to be pleasantly surprised by Seth Rogan and his cop-buddy’s performances – even if it gets old by the end. You are going to note the strange number of vehicle-related incidents. You are going to be startled by the amount of profanity. You are going to wish there was some form of nudity in the same spirit of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You are going to grow emotionally attached to a bottle of Goldslick Vodka. You are going to think to yourself, “wow, this ending is dragging.” But most importantly, you are going to enjoy the movie not because of the unoriginal rite-of-passage plot, but because the characters are fun and how they talk to each other is hilarious. You are going to have a good time and walk out of the theatre happy.

Now I bet you can’t hardly wait to see this film and talk about with your friends afterwards eating a slice of American pie.

Correction:
From the review of I Know Who Killed Me, the name of the crappy movie that destroys Vegas in Resident Evil: Extinction, not Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

The Best Vegas Movies, Part II

#5 – Casino

This movie will get you in the mood for Vegas simply because it gives you a great understanding of what Vegas was like before Stardust, Circus-Circus, Tropicana and The Frontier all sucked, before Steve Wynn changed The Strip forever when he built The Mirage, and before MGM ruined Treasure Island by turning it into TI.

But there are two things that keep Casino from being a great Vegas movie, and to an extent, a great movie altogether:

A. None of the characters are likeable.
B. It lacks quotable or memorable lines

In Casino’s older brother, Goodfellas, Ray Liotta’s character is pretty much a likeable guy for most of the film. Joe Pesci’s character is enjoyable for the same reasons as Tony Soprano. And we root for Robert DeNiro’s character because he does the things we like to see from a mob character. In Casino, unless you like characters who chain smoke, do lots and lots of drugs, betray their best friend by hooking up with his wife, and wear funny-looking robes and suits – you probably aren’t going to like any of the main characters. And there isn’t one “I’m funny like a clown, I’m here to amuse you” scenes.

All of that being said, the first hour of the film is as good as it gets. It gives you a fantastic behind the scenes look of how a casino was run in 70s, how annoying redneck gamblers can be, Vegas’ policy on cheaters, and why you want to avoid Joe Pesci and vises whenever possible. Add that stuff up, and put it with Scorsese’s direction, awesome cinematography, cool music, solid acting by DeNiro, Pesci, and unbelievably Sharon Stone, and Casino is just good enough to crack the top five – kinda like The Luxor.

#4 – Bugsy

A lot of you probably don’t know this movie but it’s the extremely loosely-based true story of how Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel conceived Las Vegas and built The Flamingo in the 40s.

While driving back to L.A. from a Vegas casino that looks like the location of a bad horror movie starring Ryan Gosling, Bugsy gets into a fight with his feisty girlfriend Virginia Hill, whose nickname is Flamingo due to her celebrated fellatio capabilities. As legend has it, and how it is wonderfully shown in the movie, Bugsy angrily pulls his car over, storms out into the desert, stops, and as the sun is setting behind him, envisions today’s Las Vegas. His vision even includes Las Vegas overcharging patrons to ride the monorail.

In some interesting and amusing scenes, the movie shows Ben convincing his mobster friends to finance building the hotel, the construction problems of building a casino in the desert while also having no idea of actually how to build a casino, dealing with how everyone from Danny Gans to Lance Burton, thought The Flamingo was going to be a huge disaster, and eventually Ben’s downfall.

Say you found yourself in Africa having to describe Las Vegas to an indigenous tribesmen, you could do a lot worse than using this line from the movie, which may be its best line, “I have found the answer to the dreams of America … What do people always fantasize about? Sex, romance, money, adventure! I'm building a monument to all of them. I’m talking about a hotel, I'm talking about Las Vegas, Nevada. A place where gambling is allowed, where everything is allowed!”

If you don’t get goose bumps when the ending credits roll and you see how The Flamingo looks today and how much revenue it has generated, then you don’t deserve to go to Las Vegas. Although, after seeing this movie going into The Flamingo will never be the same and you’ll always be annoyed at the fact the only monument to Ben Siegel is a bar called, “Bugsy’s Bar”, and a small plaque located somewhere near a handicapped restroom and the keno room.

#3 – Vegas Vacation

This was by far the toughest movie to rank …

On one hand, the movie is titled Vegas Vacation so it should automatically get you in the mood to go to Vegas. On the other hand, everyone except for Clark Griswold bitches about going to Las Vegas.

On one hand, Nick Papageorgio from Yuma, Vegas’ experience is a classic Vegas tale complete with quotable lines and memorable scenes. On the other hand, Cousin Eddie is heavily involved in the plot.

On one hand, Audrey is ridiculously hot. On the other hand, the Hoover Dam scenes are more painful than overeating at The Excalibur buffet.

On one hand, you get to hear that catchy “Holiday Road” song in a scene with Billy Joel’s ex-wife. On the other hand, the deus ex machina ending features the Griswolds winning a game of keno.

On one hand, you get the hilarious sequence of alternate casino games such as Pick-A-Number, Heads Or Tails, Rock-Paper-Scissors, and Coin Toss. On the other hand, did I mention Cousin Eddie was in the movie? A lot.

On one hand, the movie takes place at The Mirage and Wayne Newton is a funny guy. On the other hand, the Siegfried and Roy scenes aren’t even accidentally entertaining and Clark’s gambling habits are only accidentally entertaining.

So I have no clue where all of that leaves us? Vegas Vacation is kinda like walking through Caesars’ Palace drunk at 3 a.m. – you are pretty sure in you’re in the right place, you are really confused if you are walking in the right direction, but at least you’re in Vegas.

#2 – Swingers

I debated whether a movie that is only in Vegas for about 20 minutes during the first act could qualify as the second best Vegas movie, and then I remembered two words that ended the debate: VEGAS, BABY! If you only had a half hour to get revved up about a Vegas trip, Swingers would be your Vince Lombardi. I mean, have you ever met one person who doesn’t love screaming Vegas, Baby! before or during a Vegas trip? Add in the infamous double-down scene, Mike and Trent debating how to get comp’d, Trent hitting-on Kristy the Cocktail Waitress, Mike bombing hitting-on an ugly restaurant waitress, then bombing hitting-on Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and the wonderfully painful “We’re not in Kansas anymore/ I’m a comedian” dialog, and then finally bombing at his chance to get laid by talking about his ex-girlfriend … Swingers is so money.

One of the little details I love about the Swingers-Vegas scenes is how Mike and Trent get invited back to Kristy the Cocktail Waitress’ place and it turns out she lives in a stainless-steel trailer! Classic. Stories like that is what makes Vegas great.

One of the little details I absolutely hate is after Mike gets killed on $100 blackjack table, they end up playing on a $5 table where an old lady inexplicably hits on 17 and gets a 4!?!? WTF?! Don’t encourage that annoying/stupid/frustrating/idiotic behavior by showing it in a freakin’ movie and rewarding the character with her winning her bet AND getting free breakfast!!!!!! Is that enough exclamation points? No. Here are a few more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jon Favreau should know better. On the other hand, this is the same guy who allegedly passed on writing the screenplay for Ocean’s 11 and starred in Something’s Gotta Give and Wimbledon, so maybe he doesn’t actually know better.

Anyway, on a warm and fuzzy note, how Trent stops making-out with Kristy the Cocktail Waitress to check on Mikey is what friendship and Vegas is all about.

#1 – Ocean’s 11

What do I think it’s going to take to explain why Ocean’s 11 is the number one Vegas movie? Well off the top of my head, I'd say I am looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever!

1. Accents

If singing aloud to “Mr. Brightside” is my favorite thing, quoting movies in foreign accents is in the top twenty. Imagine you are playing blackjack, the dealer is showing an ace, and you are down to your last bet and have a 16, you can use this pearl of wisdom from Basher, “We are in Barney … Barney Rubble … TROUBLE!”

Or, say you are in the same situation, you can break out some Lymon Zerga when the dealer asks you if you want insurance, “I don’t believe in weakness … I don’t believe in questions, either!”

2. Gambling Pointers

You can’t have three pairs! You can't have six cards! You can't have six cards in a five-card game!

Two words: All Red!

The house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.

(I hope I didn’t rush that last paragraph)

3. How To Order Drinks

I need a whiskey and a whiskey.

4. History Lessons

If you ever find yourself in The Bellagio or The Wynn art galleries, you can confidently turn to two tourists from Florida and tell them that Monet married his mistress and Maney had syphilis.

Also, Terry Benedicts’ line to Rusty, "If you should be picked-up buying a $100,000 sports car in Newport Beach, I'm going to be extremely disappointed," is in reference to the kidnapping of Steve Wynn's daughter. The kidnappers were caught trying to spend the ransom money in Newport Beach as they attempted to buy a very expensive car in cash. They were apprehended.

5. Ocean’s 11 Stay At The Bellagio

Casino takes places at the fictional Tangiers, which is based off of the Stardust, but filmed in The Riviera. The Riviera and the Stardust are like the Filet-o-Fish and Ruzna of Las Vegas.

Swingers takes place at the Stardust (one of the few mistakes the characters made – they passed-up Treasure Island {before it was TI} and Caesar’s Palace before settling on the Stardust)

Go takes place at The Rivera … fast-food fish sandwich anyone?

Honeymoon In Indecent Proposal takes place at Bally’s and the Las Vegas Hilton.

Thank God Terry Benedict didn’t own Casino Royale, Aladdin, and the Barbary Coast.

6. Gives Props To The Godfather

Casey Affleck and Scott Caan’s characters are named Virgil and Turk. In The Godfather, one of the bad guys is a fella named Virgil “The Turk” Sollozzo. Oh, and Scott Caan’s dad is none other than James Caan, who played Sonny.

7. Contains Actors From Vegas Vacation and Bugsy

Elliot Gould plays the colorful Rueben Tishkoff in Ocean’s 11 and the dim-witted Harry Greenberg in Bugsy. Jerry Weintraub plays Jilly from Philly in Vegas Vacation and the gambler who warns Saul/Lymon about getting in debt to Terry Benedict.

Since I have nothing else really to say, I’d like to add that both actors have really bad chest hair.

8. Gives Tips On How To Pick-Up Women In Vegas

If you look down, she knows you're lying, and up, she knows you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make her laugh. She's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left her hotel room. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances...

9. Gives You A Way To Measure Distance In Vegas

The line to get into Rum Jungle is longer than my … well, it’s long.

How far of a walk is it from The Forum Shops to my hotel room in Caesar’s? It’s longer than my … well, it’s long.

How long do I have to wait to get Toni Braxton tickets at The Flamingo? It’s shorter than me after I get out of a cold pool … well, it’s short.

10. Not The Typical Vegas Movie

From a pure-Vegas standpoint, this isn’t a typical Vegas film. Not a lot of gambling. Very little drinking. No one hooks up with a bridesmaid or bridesmaids. No zany or wacky adventures. Just 11 guys who decide to rob a casino because they are bored and the guy who owns the casino is a prick and is dating one of the guy’s ex-wife. But this movie wouldn’t work if Vegas wasn’t the backdrop. For proof of this, watch the second and third acts of Ocean’s 12.

You need all the cash that engulfs Vegas. You need the random celebrities, the over-the-top events (like the boxing match in the film). You need the billon dollar hotels towering over the characters. You need all the greed, glitz and glamour that only Las Vegas can produce. And all of those things are why Ocean’s 11 is the best Vegas movie, despite not having one character blow his life savings on the craps table.

Ten oughta do it, don't you think? You think we need one more? You think we need one more. All right, I’ll do one more.

11. Friendship

The spirit of Ocean’s 11 is what going to Vegas with your friends is all about Sure you’re probably not going to stay in the penthouse at The Bellagio, steal a “pinch”, rob three casinos, and violate your parole.

But, you are going to break your friends’ balls like Virgil and Turk do to each other. You are going to get mocked and offered unsolicited advice by a fellow gambler, like the way Saul/Lymon does. You are going to sincerely say “thanks” to your best friend like the way Danny does to Rusty after they talk about Tess. You are going to say “that’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen” while a dealer pays you after a successful double-down. And you are going to stand in front of the Bellagio fountains at one point during your trip and marvel at where you are and what you’ve accomplished. You are going to have the time of your life – whether you are with one friend or 11.

The Best Vegas Movies, Part I

NOT EVEN IN CONSIDERATION

Fools Rush In

A few basic things you don’t ever want to have happen in a Vegas movie:

1. The main character bitching about going to Vegas.
2. The main character impregnating a girl during a one-night stand.
3. The main character having to marry a casino cocktail waitress because she’s pregnant.
4. The two main characters’ parents meeting.
5. The climax of the movie occurring at the Hoover Dam.

Ugh.

GOOD BUT TOO DAMN DEPRESSING

Leaving Las Vegas

There is a lot to like about this movie: the title of the hotel where Nic Cage stays at (clue: it’s the name of this blog), the music, the humor in first 45 minutes, Elizabeth Shue’s breasts, and the combined sadness of Nic Cage’s and Elizabeth Shue’s characters. But, the movie is ridiculously melancholy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing except you want a Vegas movie to get you pumped up about being part of the atmosphere that is Las Vegas. Unfortunately, Leaving Las Vegas makes you want to watch Schindler’s List and United 93 just to cheer up.

TWO REASONS WHY YOU DON’T BRING YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND TO LAS VEGAS

Honeymoon in Vegas/Indecent Proposal

These movies came out within a year of each other (’92 and ’93 respectively) and pretty much feature the exact same plot and moral of the story – we call this Deep Impact/Armageddon Syndrome … which doesn’t make sense since Deep Impact and Armageddon came out after Honeymoon in Vegas and Indecent Proposal … so maybe it should be called Honeymoon in Vegas/Indecent Proposal Syndrome … Anyway, I’m rambling. Point is, don’t use your woman as collateral.

I’LL GET BACK WITH YOU ON THIS ONE

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I was going to write a review about Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but then I got high. I was going to see if it was a good Vegas movie that inspires me to embark on a series of fulfilling adventures, but then I got high. I was going to see if it made me want to see a Cirque Du Soleil show, but then I got high. Then I got high. Then I got high.

Bum and bum, bum, bum, bump.

DON’T EVEN THINK IT

Rain Man

It’s fundamentally wrong for Dustin Hoffman to be a leading man in a good Vegas movie. It’s a philosophical conflict of interest. Those two things just don’t go together. Sort of like Chris O'Donnell and convincing acting. Maybe if it was Christopher Walken counting cards, hitting on hookers, and learning how to dance at Caesar’s Palace, I’d feel differently, but it’s not, it’s Dustin Hoffman. You just can’t get past it – kinda like walking behind a fat person through a row of slot machines. Only Richard Dreyfuss could have hurt the Vegas-cred more than Dustin Hoffman.

CLOSE, BUT NOT ENOUGH

Go

As they said in the movie after their Vegas trip, “Just so we're clear, you stole a car, shot a bouncer, and had sex with two women?” Seems like some good ingredients for a Vegas movie, right? Unfortunately, the main characters also get food poisoning from eating shrimp at a buffet, almost burn down a hotel – hence ruining the aforementioned threesome, and stay at The Rivera. Ouch. But this is a really fun movie and if they just had a few more classic scenes and/or lines (like Swingers) I would have no problem putting them into the top five even though most of the movie takes place outside of Las Vegas.

Review of: Stardust

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Tristan is the local loser who has a crush on the town hottie. In order to prove his worthiness and love for the hot chick, he sets off to find the remains of a shooting star and bring them back to the shallow, attractive girl. Along the way, Tristan encounters witches and princes and spells and black magic and talking animals and pirates and most importantly, the shooting star – who actually is Claire Danes.

Noteworthy Moment From Before The Movie Started:

Sitting in the theatre, my friend Nicole and I realize we have NO idea what this movie is about. I suggest that since it’s called Stardust, it’s about a recently failed Las Vegas casino whose best qualities were its location, Wayne Newton, and Tony Roma Ribs.

As the theatre begins to fill-up, we realize that the moviegoers look they just came from the early-bird special at Furrs Cafeteria and will probably hitting Marie Callenders afterwards for some pie. So we decide to play a game – guess what movie we were seeing just based on who is sitting in the theatre. Here is what we came up with: Driving Miss Daisy, Again. The Golden Girls Movie: The Nursing Home Years. Cocoon III: The Chrysalis Stage.

Quote of the Movie:

“I am a princess tricked into being a witch’s slave – will you liberate me?”

- Una

(She was totally talking in code! Nine months later she unexpectedly had a little man! I really enjoyed that line.

I want a girl out there to use that quote at a bar next weekend and see if they can get “liberated” too … just be a little more careful than Una though, please.)

Pleasant Surprise:

After Claire Danes got laid, since she is a star, she literally radiated and glowed after sex. Claire had to take the weirdest Walk of Shame in the history of Walks of Shame. Bad enough you’re wearing the same clothes, but you’re also emitting enough light to light-up the top of The Luxor.

“No, no … Tristan I just kissed a few times and snuggled … I swear, that’s all we did! I am not glowing! You are imagining things!”

Nit-picking:

Two things kinda bothered me:

1) The geography in the movie was inconsistent. For the protagonists, it took them considerably more time to travel a leg of their journey than it did for the antagonist. It’d take Tristan and Claire Danes days to cover a stretch of land that the evil-doers could knockout in 20 minutes. There is a sequence where Tristan and Claire hitch a ride on a balloon and they are on the balloon for such a long that they learn how to dance and swordfight. The bad guys play one game of solitaire and they are there.

2) In movies like Stardust, the “rules” or lore of the fairytale lands are sometimes too weird and random. For instance, we learn that: There are flowers that prevent spells from turning you into woodland creatures. Stars can’t shine with a broken heart. Babylon candles are hard to come by. Getting a star’s heart keeps you young. Sacrificing animals gives your own GPS. And certain jewelry can give you eternal life. Whatever.

I bring this up because characters can find loopholes to rules or new rules or amendments to old rules at key points in the film and we can’t really question their validity to the story. This would be like watching Forrest Gump and instead of Jenny dying of AIDS, out of nowhere Forrest burns his ping-pong paddle, sings Elvis’ “You’re The Devil Disguise,” and pours Dr. Pepper over Jenny’s drug tread marks and reproductive organs, and suddenly she was healed. How does that work?

What I Learned:

The writers of the film are huge Star Wars fans. During the climax of the film, we have an evil character who is shriveled-up and disfigured, who can also shoot lightening bolts. We have a good character fighting an evil character with a sword. We have a whole host of evil, taunting laughs. We have a character that can throw, move, and break things just by using the forc … casting a spell. And, we have a parent who is looking for redemption and who can help the good guy defeat the bad person.

Return of the Jedi anyone?

Cards on the Table Time (in conclusion):

Stardust doesn’t cover any new ground. You got the classic tale of the dork, trying to win the heart of a beauty, only to find someone who loves him for him, and all the while battling corrupt evil figures, and meeting some unexpected friends along the way.

Despite all of that, I really didn’t mind the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t be buying the DVD, but I found myself rooting for the fun and innocent Tristan. He was a likeable guy and there was enough chemistry with Claire Danes to make the love story worthwhile. The set design is so good that it will make you want to visit Fantasyland in DisneyWorld and the peanut gallery ghosts will make you want to ride The Haunted Mansion. At least three times you’ll be thanking God that the producers casted Claire Danes instead of Gwyneth Paltrow (who would have killed the movie). Michelle Pfeiffer plays the bad guy just well enough that you don’t like her. Either that or you may not actually like Michelle Pfeiffer – which is a possibility. Oh, and DeNiro pops-up a gay pirate. Enough said.

There is some pretty funny adult humor in Stardust and the morals of the story, while they won’t change your life, are good enough to keep the females in the crowd happy. They avoid using too many special effects that would have made the movie look like a George Lucas flick and the karma inflicted on those who hurt animals will have you making Michael Vick jokes during the ending credits. So if you are meeting your parents for an early dinner at the Olive Garden, suggest Stardust, it’s a lot better than watching Golden Girls reruns at home or playing bingo at The Stardust.

Review of: I Know Who Killed Me

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Aubrey (Lindsay Lohan) is a typical promising college student who dazzles her classmates with tales of mystery and suspense. She has a token sexually frustrated boyfriend, successful and still married parents, and has recently decided to give up the piano to focus on her writing, despite winning numerous musical awards in years past. Aubrey gets abducted by a local serial killer, manages to escape, but when she is found and awakes in the hospital, she claims she is not the Aubrey everyone says she is.

Noteworthy Moment From Before The Movie Started:

We were treated to a preview of the most recent installment of Resident Evil, cleverly title Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Per the preview, the fate of the world is supposedly going to be decided on the post-apocalyptic Las Vegas Strip – more specifically, in front of The Venetian.

I was traumatized. Still am.

I was not prepared to see The Strip in a destroyed condition. I would have been fine if all of this action took place in front of the Imperial Palace, but the producers should have left the rest of The Strip out of it. Watching this crappy movie’s characters fight it out at The Venetian, with The Mirage in background, and overhead shots of MGM Grand and New York/New York spliced in-between action scenes, was haunting. And not in a Silence of the Lambs, good way. Destroy Los Angeles as much as you want, but leave Las Vegas A-LONE!

Subjecting me to the Resident Evil: Apocalypse preview was like making one of the Kennedys watch the Zapruder film.

Pleasant Surprise:

Two actors from the 90s made unintentionally hilarious resurgent appearances in I Know Who Killed Me: Julia Ormond from Legends of the Fall, First Knight, and Sabrina. And Mr. Bigglesworth from the Austin Powers Trilogy. I couldn’t decide who has aged better.

In case you are wondering, there is no love triangle involving Julia – a first for her career. And in another career first, no one dies who is courting Julia, either. Congrats on the achievements!

Quote Of The Movie:

“People get cut, that’s life.”

- Jerrod Pointer, Aubrey’s boyfriend

(Good luck figuring out if he was talking literally or metaphorically.)

Nit-Picking:

You get beaten over the head with the color blue throughout the entire movie. I’m all for setting moods and using symbolism, but saturating the film with blue isn’t exactly like the red roses from American Beauty. Instead the movie looks like the Cookie Monster threw-up all over the reel and was the movie’s Set Designer and Lighting Director.

What I Learned:

When you have an artificial leg, don’t forget to plug it in at night before you go to sleep, that way it will be fully charged by morning. And when you have a bionic arm, be careful giving handshakes or handjo … keeping your sexually frustrated boyfriend at bay.

Originally I Know Who Killed Me was going to be called Please Don’t Drive Me Home Lindsay, You Smell Like Vodka. (Thank you! Thank you! You are a beautiful audience! I’ll be here all week!)

I bet you all can guess what the sequel to this movie would be called … I STILL Know Who Killed Me. (Thank you! Really, you are too kind. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Cards on the Table Time (in conclusion):

I think the only people who could say they liked this movie would be MADD. And only during and after the torture scenes when Lindsay gets her hand and leg removed, thus rendering her unable to operate a vehicle or hold two drinks at once. The entire cast spent two weeks at the Geena Davis School of Acting hosted by Catherine Zeta-Jones. Everyone sucked in this movie. Even the non-speaking extras sucked. The special effects when they weren’t making you laugh because they are so cheesy, were making you squirm because they are so unnecessarily gross. And the story was about as well thought out as the Iraq war and as predictable as the Titanic hitting the iceberg in Titanic.

If someone would have told me after Mean Girls that Lindsay Lohan would be a stripper in an upcoming movie, I would have been on Youtube 24/7 trying to find bootlegged footage of the dailies. Tragically, Lindsay looked gross as a stripper. She wasn’t even mildly cute … of course it doesn’t help when your skin has redhead complexion and you dye your hair black and do so much coke you that look like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.

Anyone who says that sex sells should watch this movie not long after watching Showgirls and Striptease. One of my movie pet-peeves is when people say all Hollywood makes are movies that show violence and T&A. Hollywood makes movies that make money. And frankly, movies like this and all the other films that rely on purely on sex appeal and random violence, instead of story and strong characters, bomb worse Planet Hollywood: Tulsa.

Since I don’t want to be all negative, I’ll say that the premise was just good enough to be placed in the Gangs of the New York Memorial Wing of the Bad Movies Museum. Good idea, bad execution. I saw an entertaining preview for this movie a few weeks ago and said to my best friend Ryan, “I’d feel a lot better about that movie if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t in it.” And as Al Pacino said in The Devil’s Advocate, “it’s fun to be right.”

Single Sentences From A Weekend Spent Traveling And In Las Vegas

Why does airport seating (those benches near the gate) always include immovable stainless steel armrest making it impossible to lie down or get comfortable?

I was once told by a flight attendant that the airplane smell we are all familiar with is a combination of coffee and body odor.

Sharing an armrest with a stranger is fine up until the point I can feel his arm hair touching mine.

Attention all men, the price of your ticket does not included hitting on the woman sitting next to you unabated for the entire flight … this is a mode of transportation, not an episode of Two-Hour Dating.

Am I the only guy who prefers peeing into a little kid’s urinal instead of the grown-up one? (In case you’re wondering, I like the angles better)

There are certain things in life I’ll never understand, like: the appeal of Nancy Grace, why a non-farmer enrolls at Kansas State University, how professional soccer stays in business in the US, and why the walk left/stand right concept so hard for adults to master?

How long do you think it will be before we will be able to pay extra to have our luggage be the first off the plane?

I’m really glad I’ve never had a reason to be in the McCarran Airport parking garage.

Casinos really need to stop dressing the front of their buildings in advertisements – you didn’t spend a couple hundred million dollars on a beautiful façade, only to drape it with a giant, cheesy picture of Toni Braxton, did you?

This never ceases to amaze me, but it cost more money to build The Wynn than it will to rebuild the World Trade Center.

Have we ever properly figured out why Penn of Penn & Teller is so sweaty, hairy, always yelling and still employed?

What jury decides who is the World’s Best Magician, Vegas’ Best Magician, Vegas’ Funniest Comedian, Funniest Show on the Strip, Greatest Show Starting After 10 But Ending Before Midnight, Best Comedic Magician South of Caesar’s Palace, Funniest Dressed Comedian Posing as a Magician? – Seriously, every performer has one some sort of diluted award to their credit, makes me wonder if that type of advertising even works.

When I go out on a date, how a girl answers this question very much determines whether she and I will have a future: When you get to Vegas at 8:30 a.m., do you stay-up or do you go to the hotel room and rest-up for the day?

On a related note, ordering a free beer at 9:15 a.m. is just a great feeling that never gets old – and that’s not the least bit depressing.

One of my favorite couples in Vegas is the one where the husband looks like he can’t believe he ever thought it was a good idea to invite his wife to Sin City, while the wife looks like she can’t believe what her husband has spent the entire time doing and what he suggested they do last night.

What do you think sucks more: Excalibur, Louie Anderson performing at the Excalibur, or Thunder From Down Under showing every night at the Excalibur? Trick question! They all suck equally.

Tony Bennett is still alive?

In memorial to the binge drinking that took place last night, please stand as my liver performs “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey.

Never gamble with a man who sports a handlebar mustache.

If you find the missing Carrot Top and how ridiculously-buff-Carrot-Top-is joke, will you please call 800-857-2147. Thank you.

Visiting the stalls at The Mirage, I couldn’t happen but notice that they have ash trays next to the toilet … you really gotta be addicted to something to do it while you’re sh*ting … I mean, how many other addictions cater to you while you’re dropping a deuce?

The best running joke in the drinking/bar/club world is that Red Bull cost more than Jagermeister, yet bartenders continually screw themselves by “watering” down my drink with Red Bull.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of ass-backwards is hitting when the dealer is showing a 6 and you have 16, and standing when the dealer is showing a 10 and you have a 16.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of annoying is playing blackjack with someone whose reasoning is ass-backwards.

Ryan won so many $100 chips at the Barbary Coast that the cashier had to ask him what game he was playing and then call someone to verify his winnings … AWESOME! … That’s like a girl taking a picture of you after she has seen you naked so she can prove your manliness to her girlfriends later on… um, right?

What the heck is the “Greg” show? Who the hell is Greg Behrendt? And why is he dressed like the Phantom of the Opera?

As Ryan and I are watching television, he puts $75 down that Terrell Owens will be the next news story we see on CNN – I take the $100 parlay of Anna Nicole Smith’s marital status, Anna Nicole Smith’s reproductive habits and Anna Nicole Smith’s dependant children.

Dang it, we were on ESPN – Ryan wins.

(In case you can’t tell I am channel surfing) In Legends of the Fall, is Julia Ormond’s character a slut or a victim of circumstance?

Not to sound like an English composition professor, but a flight cannot be “very full” – either it’s full or it’s not.

Until airlines start calling the boarding process “planing,” I don’t want them to call the exiting/disembarking process deplaning.

Missing in Action

Since I haven’t written in 419 months, I thought I would blog about all the emails I have received during my hiatus. Here is a small pu-pu platter of those emails …

Where the *uck have you been, Bill? I was forced to read poetry because you weren’t blogging, you selfish SOB!

I wish I could say I have been really busy at work and that the computer at the place I live doesn’t operate anymore – but I don’t want to lie to you. The truth is that I witnessed a murder and was forced to go into the witness protection program until I testify. Sadly, I had to testify in Hawaii and on the plane ride to Honolulu someone let hundreds of snakes free on the plane. And just when the situation looked doomed and I’d never blog again, I turned to the pilot and said, “ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I have had it with these mother *ucking snakes on this mother *ucking plane!”

Luckily, everything turned out fine and I was able to testify. I am now free of my obligations to American jurisprudence and ready to write. Let’s answer some more questions!

Bill, given the choice, where would you rather train, at Superman’s Fortress of Solitude or Yoda’s place on Degobah?”

- Since I am currently house-hunting, lets start out with location, location, location.

The Fortress of Solitude (FOS) is located near the North Pole and is a replica of the planet Krypton. Unfortunately, Krypton is made entirely of giant slabs of ice and looks like it could host the opening ceremonies for the next Winter Olympics. Degobah, on the other hand is a swamp, and unless you root for the Florida Gators or are a redneck, or both, that probably doesn’t appeal to you, either. Hmmmm. Lets go to the tiebreaker.

Superman scored with Lois Lane at the FOS in Superman II and Luke never, ever got laid - even with the ability to use Jedi mind tricks, on Degobah or anywhere else for that matter.

Winner: Fortress of Solitude

- Teachers

At the FOS you get hours and hours of crystal-DVD footage of Superman’s dad, Jor-El, who teaches you pretty much everything there is to know about the universe. The actor who plays Jor-El is none other than The Godfather himself, Marlon Brando. So not only do you get all the knowledge you’ll ever need, you get to learn it from the Super-Godfather. Can you imagine him saying “And if by chance an honest superhero like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies -- Then Lex Luther will fear you.” Good god. What a combination!

Then there is Yoda - the wisest of all the Jedi, who will have you picking up rocks and doing random gymnastics before you know it. Yoda can see the future, sense your fear, make you stronger with the force, and isn’t afraid to chew your ass or smack you with his wooden cane when you get out of line.

Again, this is a close one. As much as I like watching movies, I don’t want to spend day after day getting lectured by Jor-El, even if he is the Super-Godfather (I feel like I am going to get a horse head in my bed just saying that). Yoda can give me the type of on-the-job, personal one-on-one training I need. And he leads by example, only trains the best, and frankly I like the tough love from the little fella – gotta respect that.

Winner: Degobah

- Food

Since I can’t fly and neither can you, getting a solid meal at the FOS would be somewhat of pain – kinda like staying at The Stratosphere in Vegas. I would assume there is a full assortment of polar bears, penguins, and seals for you eat nearby, but they probably aren’t readily available.

Yoda on the other hand seems to enjoy and take pride in his cooking - even if it does taste like leftover Arby’s. Whose knows what kind of Fear Factor-like ingredients he is using though, considering he is surrounded by snakes, lizards, bats and giant sea creatures – like the one that tried to eat R2-D2.

Since I can’t cook and haven’t killed a polar animal since my Junior Homecoming, and Yoda’s warm cooking sounds good after a long day of searching and reaching out with my feelings …

Winner: Degobah, but not because of menu

- Amenities

Degobah features that cool cave that is strong with the dark side of the force and can show you, in pretty specific detail, your greatest fears. What’s in the cave is only what you bring with you. Sweet. Degobah also has Yoda’s house that looks like he could share with the Keebler Elves if they ever get evicted from their tree.

The FOS has the newest flat-ice-screen TV technology Krypton has to offer, plus an awesome chamber that can take away your powers in the event your overbearing and unsympathetic girlfriend tells you that you need to make some changes in your life.

Okay, so how many times can you really walk through that cave on Degobah that is strong with the dark side? I mean really. Wouldn’t it get like riding the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World too many times and eventually you would start to take it for granted? The FOS has a pretty comfy bed (you could even chisel your accomplishments into the ice instead of a bedpost), is relatively modern, offers you a place you can show off to dates, has a giant TV, is built for people taller than six feet, and doesn’t have snakes slithering around.

Verdict: Fortress of Solitude

So overall where would I rather live and train? I’d have to say the Fortress of Solitude. There are safety concerns I need to think of, too. I am much more likely to be bitten by a snake on Degobah, than I am to develop frostbite or accidentally slip and fall off of something at the FOS. Plus, the combination of the Super-Godfather DVDs, the success Superman has had with women there, and the cathedral-like architecture of the fortress is just too much for Yoda and his swamp to overcome.

Winner: Fortress of Solitude

Bill, what was the funniest thing the announcers said during the surprisingly inspiring New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons Monday Night Football game?

“He must have seen something that made him want to pull it out of his pants.”

- Joe Theismann, regarding the referee throwing a flag for pass interference.

Bill, after how many months of dating is okay to start farting in front of the other person?

First I assume you want to keep dating the person, right?

So operating under that assumption, I think you have to evaluate this based on two sets of criteria. One, is the man farting or the woman? Two, is it an audible fart or a silent one?

I think regardless of gender, start off slow. See if you can slip in a couple of silent ones early on in the relationship while in a safe environment, i.e. – large crowd, walks on a windy day, low risk stuff like that. You might be a suspect but you’ll always have plausible deniability.

Call me cautious, but I wouldn’t upgrade into more risky locations: like in the car during a road trip, watching TV or while lying in bed, until you’ve exchanged I love you’s and actually meant it. And even then you should probably wait 6-8 months. There is just too much at risk. You don’t want to lose someone special or guarantee the object your affection will never be attracted to you again because you ate too much Taco Johns when you stopped to get gas (pun intended) in Goodland, Kansas.

Unfortunately for women, silent farts are really as far as you should ever go regardless of how long you’ve been dating. We guys don’t ever want to hear you fart. Even though we understand that you are built with much of the same plumbing we are, frankly we don’t want to hear our woman dropping bombs like Israel fighting Hezbollah, at any stage in the relationship. It ruins your princess image. Totally a double standard, so deal with it.

Men, I probably wouldn’t let a good audible fart go in front of the women until you have a good mental hold on her. You’ll know when that time is. I don’t need to tell you.

Now, who’s hungry for sushi?!?!

With the one year anniversary of the Kansas Jayhawks absolutely killing the Nebraska Cornhuskers coming up this Saturday night, what are your thoughts on KU football this year?

Let me start out by saying that Ryan and I set the United States record for the most random 40-15 (the final score of the game) jokes said to Nebraska fans. Wherever we went and saw someone with an N on their apparel, they were immediately subjected to a healthy dose of jabs, barbs, mocking and sarcasm – sometimes under our breath, often times more audible. It didn’t matter if we saw the N in a restaurant, at a casino, on a plane, at a funeral, or mocked a single mother, a small child, a war veteran, or a disabled farmer, our jokes were relentless - and I’ll tell you, it felt great.

My prediction for this year’s game: Kansas 16, Nebraska 13. Not as snappy as 40-15, but it will do.

Is there a worse song than John Mayer’s “Daughters”?

Probably. But I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

I hate that overly breathy voice singing, “brothers be good to your sisters, because sisters become daughters, who turn into mothers, who become cousins, and turn into bosses, who become ex-wives, and become crossing guards, and turn into chefs on the Food Network.”

The only thing that could make that song worse is if Rod Stewart was singing back-up vocals.

If Best Buy released a “Best of” DVD 4-pack of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Josh Hartnett, and you had to buy one, which one would you purchase?

This is like asking would I rather tear my groin or get kicked in the balls. But since I have to choose …

Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar has on his resume:

- I Know What You Did Last Summer … And a sequel that makes a Family Matters reunion show seem like a good idea.

- She’s All That … Not the girl with ponytail, glasses and paint-covered overalls! Ewww.

- Summer Catch … Where he took being whipped to a whole new level, when he left a baseball game in which he was pitching a freakin’ NO HITTER in the 9th inning, for a girl.

- Scooby Doo … Pretty much ruined every Scooby Doo cartoon I ever watched as a kid and made Fred look like a giant wuss.

Josh Hartnett and his always visible neck mole have made:

- Pearl Harbor … Lets take one of the most historic naval battles of all time and put Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck in the Air Force – seems like a great idea!

- O … It’s hard to believe a cast that featured Josh Hartnett, Julia Stiles and Mekhi Phifer made a bad movie. What’s next, Russell Crowe is going to star in a period piece movie? Unbelievable.

- 40 Days and 40 Nights … This is one of those movies I wish they would remake because I really like the idea; they just did a poor job of executing the film – kinda like Gangs of New York.

- Wicker Park … Did you know its original title was going to be “Answer Your Cell Phone or Leave a Voicemail!”

So I guess if I had to choose, I pick Josh Hartnett and tearing my groin. Maybe tearing my groin would hurt more than getting kicked in balls and watching Freddie, but at least I wouldn’t look like a pansy doing it.

Random Brainstorming Rambling Thoughts

Anyone who has ever written anything: a short story, a poem, a blog, a grocery list, has written something along the lines of “random thoughts.” They may call it different names, like: ramblings, incoherent babble, brainstorming, or whatever, but they all have written some derivation of random commentary on life. As a writer, you can’t escape not writing it, it’s impossible. So, here is my contribution to the genre. My random thoughts on this day …

- In every Vince Vaughn movie there has to be at least one scene of him talking trash while playing a video game.

- Why won’t Wendy’s let you get your own refills?

- Speaking of fast-food, here’s a fun fact … I was reading on the In-n-Out Burgers Web site that their name originally was going to be: In-wait-wait-still wait-read the Bible verse at the bottom of your drink cup-wait-keeping waiting-n-Out Burgers, but that wouldn’t fit on their sign and most marking material, so they shorten it to, In-n-Out Burgers – isn’t that fascinating?

- Wearing sunglasses while playing poker is performance enhancing – no different than Barry Bonds taking steroids.

- Anyone planning on taking a Vegas trip should boycott the casino formerly known as Treasure Island. Madonna did a better job covering “American Pie” than MGM (Treasure Island’s owners) has done with “TI.” Whoever was responsible for replacing the sign, changing the name to TI, taking away the pirate battle and replacing it with “Sirens,” and making the inside as appealing as a Hays, Kansas martini bar, should be banished to hand-cleaning the Statue of David at Caesar’s Palace until they retire.

- On the road, is there any place truckers aren’t welcome?

- If NBA players are supposedly the best athletes in the world, why do they constantly travel? It’d be like me claiming to be the best writer in the world, yet having basic grammar mistakes in my writing. Don’t they teach you not to travel with the basketball in like 2nd grade? Or maybe it’s 3rd? Regardless, I’d have a lot more respect for their abilities if they didn’t take three and four steps every time they drive to the basket.

- Isn’t it fun how angry people from Illinois get when you pronounce the S in Illinois.

- In case you’re wondering, yes it is possible to overdose on Dots and still feel them in your stomach three days later.

- I really don’t like it when stores, like American Eagle for instance, ask you who or what you’re shopping for. It just rubs me the wrong way. I’m pretty sure this trend won’t stop at who I am shopping for either. Eventually they going to start asking me how long my inseam is? Or if I was hugged enough as a child? Or if I cried in Field of Dreams. Too intrusive for me.

- Speaking of too intrusive, please stop asking me who my cell phone carrier is when I walk by. You know who you are. Stop it!

- How cool would it be to have an alarm clock that plays “I Got You Babe” every morning?

- Since HBO is in the process showing Episode III: Revenge of the Sith every hour on the hour, I can’t help but feel embarrassed for the way George Lucas butchered Return of the Jedi and the most recent three films. I grew up on Star Wars and it really bothers me what he did to the franchise. Michael Jordan’s time on the Washington Wizard had more success than Lucas controlling his last four Star Wars projects. You take away the scene with Darth Vadar getting strapped into his Darth Vadar ensemble and one conversation between The Emperor and Anakin Skywalker while watching Cirque Du Soilel in Episode III, and all three movies were basically terrible. As Sonny said in A Bronx Tale, “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.”

- Speaking of HBO, I want fans of Entourage to answer this question … Who would you rather sleep with, Turtle or Johnny Drama? Please consider both looks and personality.

- So, who did you have in your World Cup bracket, Angola or Serbia?

- Travelers beware! At Embassy Suites, in addition to the inflated room service prices ($22 for a shrimp cocktail, $104 and a credit check for a New York Steak, $17 for a side of ketchup), they charge an extra 15% service fee PLUS a $5 dollar clean-up fee. Who do they think they are, the oil companies? Unless you want to reenact certain scenes from Deliverance, I’d recommend not getting room service at an Embassy Suites. But it begs the question, what in the name of Clark W. Griswold does the already increased prices NOT cover that the extra 15% and extra $5 pay for??? (Yes, that was an appropriate time to use multiple question marks.)

- If you’re looking for any holiday gift ideas on Amazon this year, be sure to look up my first two published books, “Blackjack for Rednecks - Why You Don’t Hit on 16 When the Dealer is Showing a 6” and the follow-up book, “Just Because It’s a $5 Table, It’s Still Not Okay To Make Dumb Decisions.”

- The “Un-break My Heart” identify theft commercial may be the most annoying commercial of all-time. I am pretty sure I could break down anyone mentally just by replaying that commercial over and over and over again. I’d bet you I could make John McCain cry like David Hasselhoff at the American Idol finale, just by playing that commercial.

- Here’s a phrase you’ll never hear a guy say to another guy, “Lets spend the day together.”

- For as much doom-n-gloom we read in the paper each day: Iraq, immigration, the pending apocalypse, Brittany Spear’s reproductive habits, it’s refreshing for Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to show us that while money is great, there is only so much you can have, and there are far more valuable things than “dynastic wealth.” Warren Buffet’s philanthropic donation is the equivalent of giving $6 to every person on Earth. Amazing. Thanks Bill and Warren for the billion reminders on what’s truly important.

Fresh Meat

Before we get started, I need to say congratulations and to my friend and former boss, Rubi Nicholas, who won Nick at Nite’s American’s Funniest Mom competition. Despite never, ever doing stand-up before, Rubi shocked the world to become the funniest female in suburbia. Who would have thought? Rubi won a substantial monetary prize and will now develop her own comedy series. Very cool. Good job, Rubi!

Now, in honor of the Real World: Denver, appropriately currently filming in Denver right now, this post will be dedicated those obliviously funny individuals on the new Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat Challenge, presently being shown on MTV.

Here are some actual quotes from the real, everyday people on the show …

“This is our job. You don’t see me coming down to your job at Starbucks trying to out-latte you.”

- Theo (In response to “veteran” Real World and Road Rules cast members competing against “fresh meat” who have no MTV experience.)

Yikes. On the “You are at 14:53 on the 15 Minutes of Fame” Clock, is appearing on The Surreal Life, Hollywood Squares, Dancing with the Stars or claiming competing on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is your job, more tragically pathetic?

Part of me thinks (or hopes, I haven’t decided yet), that Theo is kidding. On the other hand, that would require a certain amount of life perspective, which to say these people lack perspective, would be like saying Jennifer Aniston’s movie career thus far is just disappointing. It’s a huge understatement.

One other note, how does Theo’s logic work anyway: Previously appearing on a reality TV program makes you more qualified to appear on another reality TV program? Does that mean you more experienced in being real? I’m confused.

“He outran a black dude!”

- Coral (Blissfully summarizing how talented her “fresh meat” teammate, Evan – a white guy, is.)

And Evan has never been on MTV before either - amazing!

This is the part of the post where I am tempted to write 1,000 words about sports and race; but I just had back-to-back articles on religion and The DaVinci Code and I’m tired of writing about serious stuff – lets stay on the shallow side of the pool, shall we?

“Hi, my name is Aviv.”

If you were competing against her, would you strive to find situations in which you could redundantly and annoyingly say, “Go tell Aviv … “ to the point she’d go crazy, start crying, confront you, accuse you of being “disrespectful,” only for you to make the joke one more time, and accuse her of having an eating disorder, which then causes her to abruptly leave the show and appear on Larry King claiming you hate the state of Israel?

Me neither, just asking. She seems like a nice person.

“Hi, my name is Diem.”

Carpe! Seize the … oh wait, just found out that Diem has ovarian cancer. She just emotionally described how she wants to give it her all physically on the show because she doesn’t know when she’ll get to physical again; due to her upcoming chemotherapy treatments.

Ouch. I feel bad. I am now going to dodge lightening bolts for making fun of a cancer victim. Excuse me.

“Hi, I’m your host, T.J. Lavin.”

I don’t get this guy. He’s not funny, he looks bored and makes Ben Stein seem like Samuel L. Jackson.

For entertainment’s sake, why doesn’t MTV hire Wink Martindale, Chuck Woolery, Pat Sajak or Alex Trebeck to host these shows? At least then they could use words like “sequester” and chuckle like a game show host while all the cast members try to figure out what sequester means. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Pat Sajak awkwardly flirt with Tonya or have Chuck Woolery interview an angry Wes as he tries to prevent him from berating Casey

“We got a clue!”

My favorite moment of every Real World/Road Rules Challenge is when they get a text message describing the next event, and someone always excitedly screams “We got a clue!”

And then five minutes later you watch Evan staple Danny’s name into his ass. Yep, they have a clue.

“You have to know where I am coming from.”
“I’m the type of person … “
“I’m don’t like you disrespecting me.”

These are the three borderline clichéd phrases you will hear at least once on every reality show, that drive me crazier than Charlize Theron at the end of Devil’s Advocate.

Ask yourself, when was the last time you told someone in your life to know where you’re coming from? Or imagine being at work, discussing a raise with your boss and saying, “Chris, if you knew were I was coming from, you’d give me more money.” Or “I guess I am the type of person who wants to get paid more.” Or how about if your boss was giving you some feedback during your annual review and you proclaim, “I don’t like you disrespecting me like this.”

“I don’t want to go into exile.”
“I don’t want to go into The Exile.”

Since I am somewhat of a grammar geek, I find myself wondering what’s correct? The Exile would make it a proper noun. And since The Exile is a specific place, named location in Australia, it’s quite possible saying “The Exile” is right. Just like the inferno, the gauntlet, etc. However, the definition of exile is, “Enforced removal from one's native country, to banish” which exactly what they are doing on the show, literally and figuratively. So it seems to me that “exile” is more correct than “The Exile,” simply because I think that is the spirit of the law. Of course, you could say the same about the inferno and the gauntlet, too. Okay, I’m confused again.

“They don’t realize how twisted, dirty and backstabbing this game can be.”

Here’s what I don’t get, good guys like Alton, Derrick, Timmy and M.J. all accomplished a lot in The Gauntlet II. Yet pain-in-the-ass people like Beth and Tonya always seem to fighting for their reality life and have a giant Target logo on their back. So why does everyone think you need to be conniving, mean and backstabbing to succeed? Even good people, like Ruthie, who have been eliminated early on, always seem to earn everyone’s respect by being fair, trying her hardest and acting relatively civil.

So if you have a better chance of winning by being “professional” (and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible), why take the unethical and immoral approach? Seems like a poor recipe for success. If you are going to claim this show as your job, shouldn’t you try to be good at it? Speaking of …

“You can’t do anything … you are basically athletically worthless.”

- Vince Lombardi

I’m sorry. Actually, that wasn’t Vince Lombardi, it was Wes to his teammate/partner, Casey. My fault. It’s so easy to get those two mixed up.

Anyway, if your career basically consists of competing on a reality show, and you and your teammate stand to make $250,000 from this competition, and whether or not you personally win $125k directly correlates to how well your teammate/partner performs, do you really want verbally beat the *hit of that person during the first week? Do you really want to treat your partner the same way Brittney Spears treats her son?

“I’m really good at making bad decisions.”
“I eat babies.”

Lets agree to hold off on buying our tickets to 7 Habit of Highly Successful Reality Stars Conference, until after the summer.

“On June 16, meet Nacho!”
“I alone hold the key to saving our future. Buy Underworld: Revolution on DVD June 16!”

Okay, not part of the show but I did see these two commercials while I was watching. When I was growing up, I got Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Die Hard, The Goonies, Star Wars and Tom Hanks doing comedy. Nowadays kids get Jack Black as a professional wrestler, Kate Beckinsale saving the world and a Miami Vice movie starring Colin Ferrell. No wonder adolescents are so confused, they have hobbits and hogwarts as their roll models.

And finally …

“I’m looking at the board (balance beam), focusing on every grain on the board and that’s when I decided to just eat the board.”

- Eric, after walking across a balance beam that was hanging 80 stories over the side of a building.

I made-up one part of that last quote – guess which part? Eric is the heaviest person ever to fit on MTV, and for a second I honestly believed he was going to eat the balance beam and ruin the challenge. Turns out, he performed very well and quelled his appetite. I just hope Eric watches Chris Farley’s E!’s True Hollywood Story before his 15 minutes are up.

All joking aside, I think it’s great that MTV decided to put on a person who wasn’t attractive and isn’t of perfect physical proportions. Eric is the Jackie Robinson of MTV. Hopefully he’ll open the door for all the chubby or unattractive people out there who dream of forming alliances, talking behind people’s back, taking themselves too seriously, while competing on a reality show into their mid-30s on MTV, and thought they’d never make it.

Gotta love this show!

A Review of The DaVinci Code Movie

It was just a movie.

After reading the book, seeing countless books get published debunking the book, watching the Biography and History Channel, and A&E all formally change their names to The DaVinci Code Channel, and listening to everyone get their feathers all ruffled-up and bent out of shape, it turns out The DaVinci Code is just another movie. No more, no less. And in the end, The DaVinci Code’s grail quest turned out to be a more intellectual, but less entertaining movie, than Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Since it’s a Monday and I am in a great mood, lets start out with the good:

- Ian McKellan (Sir Lee Teabing in the movie) is officially being entered into the Voiceover Hall of Fame, joining charter members Anthony Hopkins and Morgan Freeman. This guy could say anything and it’d sound regal … “You’re about ready to witness the greatest colonoscopy the world has ever seen.” I love listening to him talk and explain things, which probably saved the movie since McKellan’s character rambles on like a drunk chick at a bar who just broke up with her boyfriend, for half the film.

(SPOILER ALERT: One of the best scenes of the movie is the look on Tom Hanks’ face as McKellan kept talking and talking and talking and talking while getting arrested and dragged into a police car - and yet still wouldn’t shut up! The expression Tom gives us during that scene is the reason he has won two Academy Awards)

- The movie is under three hours long and Ron Howard did a great job pacing the film. The movie never drags and he doesn’t waste a lot of screen time on unnecessary subplots or plot points. On behalf of my ass and bladder, I thank you Mr. Howard.

- For all the calls to protest and boycott the movie (by the way, it grossed over $200 million worldwide last week), The DaVinci Code doesn’t make a whole lot of “factual” claims outside of the ones necessary to tell the fictional story. Robert Langdon (Hanks’ character) was consistently skeptical of the historical theories tossed around by the other characters and the movie doesn’t approach the “factual” rhetoric used by Dan Brown in recent interviews. Not surprisingly, the book tries to present itself much more as historically accurate than the movie does. But when you evaluate the entire movie, it’s easy to see that Opus Dei is not portrayed as an out-of-control, evil organization (at best you could say they had two bad apples who were manipulated), the claims about Jesus and Mary do not, or rather should not, destroy Christianity or cause a crisis of faith, and that the assertions about Christianity (while they may be historically inaccurate) are told in a way that make the movie entertaining and worth seeing.

That being said, let’s not throw The DaVinci Code in with The Godfather, Casablanca and American Beauty quite yet …

Here were the problems:

- Tom Hanks was not a good choice to portray Robert Langdon. Hanks became an iconic movie star by playing the “everyday” sort of guy, not the intellect. If you look at Tom’s most successful roles: Forrest Gump (playing as simple as a character as there is), Big (playing a child in an adult body) and Saving Private Ryan (a high school grammar teacher), he thrives with characters who are not all that different from the average movie audience. Even in movies where he plays smarter characters: Catch Me If You Can, Cast Away, Apollo 13, you never got the sense Hanks was a brilliant thinker. That isn’t a knock on Tom Hanks, he’s obviously intelligent, but his relate-ability to the audience is what makes him great. In The DaVinci Code, Robert Langdon is an Ivy League professor, a genius of symbols, and you never totally buy in to Hanks being that guy, mostly because he seems too much like you and me - and most of us aren’t going to be lecturing in Cambridge anytime soon. As my friend Ryan remarked as we were leaving the theatre, “You never forgot you were watching Tom Hanks.” Hanks didn’t kill the movie by any means, even though there were some scenes and lines where his acting seemed fake and forced (very un-Hanks-like), but an actor like Josh Lucas (A Beautiful Mind, Glory Road, Sweet Home Alabama and Poseidon) would have been a much better choice.

- There was more chemistry between Ron Burgundy and Baxter in Anchorman, than there was between Hanks and Audrey Tautou (Sophie). This isn’t Sleepless in Seattle, so I didn’t want them to fall in love on the Empire State Building, but a good rapport there was not. I never got the sense either of them were enjoying the greatest journey in the history of mankind. If it wasn’t for a few lines here and there uttered by the long-winded Teabing, none of the characters seemed to appreciate what they were discovering. It is amazing to me how un-suspenseful finding the most important artifact EVER, could be. I mean, you are dealing with Jesus, DaVinci, the Vatican, Popes, Emperors, hidden codes, famous museums, knights, priceless works of art – freakin' act like it! On top of all of that, Sophie saw her grandpa’s murdered body, helped an accused murderer flee the country, learned secrets about her family and her true lineage, yet she doesn’t seem all that phased by those events. I think if someone had said, “Robert and Sophie, Jesus himself is waiting for you by the Mona Lisa,” they would have intensely stared at each other for a couple of seconds and then matter-of-factly walked to the end of the hallway like Jesus visits France everyday. At least in Indiana Jones, you got the feeling Harrison Ford and Sean Connery sensed how momentous their discoveries were.


But Sophie kinda looked like the third wife, Margene, from Big Love, so that was fun.

For me, there are two things that you have to do well for a movie to be considered phenomenonal: character development/arc and story. Most of the time it’s easier for a movie to succeed with a weaker story and strong characters, than the other way around. That’s why goofball comedies like Zoolander and Old School, and cheesy action films like Face/Off and Armageddon, are entertaining, and movies with great stories like Munich and The Passion of the Christ, disappoint. Unfortunately, The DaVinci Code is closer to Passion, than Zoolander. Robert Langdon was strictly a vessel to tell the story through. We knew no more about him at the end if the film then we did at the beginning (except for he had a terrifying incident with a well when he was a boy). We knew a little bit more about Sophie, but she certainly didn’t arc. Teabing’s big secret was surprisingly unemotional, mostly because we didn’t know much about him and he didn’t arc either. I can’t help but think that given how charged the story was, had The DaVinci Code nailed the characters, the film would have tremendous.

One final thought about all the controversy …

My friend Nicole, who is a devout Christian, saw the movie this weekend (she didn’t read the book), emailed me today and wrote, “What's all the fuss about exactly?” She’s right. The DaVinci Code movie certainly wasn’t all that radical of a film. In JFK, it’s suggested that Lyndon Johnson was instrumental in having Kennedy assassinated. In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, regardless of what kind of person you are, drinking out of the Holy Grail will give you eternal life (not exactly a Biblically-based theory). Movies have taken shots at the Catholic Church for years (in The Godfather, Part III, the Pope gets whacked by corrupt Catholic clergy) and movies regularly take far-fetched theories, unpopular opinions and selective historical evidence, and convincingly tell a story. That’s what movies do.

The bottom line is, regardless of what Dan Brown has said in interviews, or what was written in the book, there is nothing overtly offensive to Jesus or Christianity in the movie. You may disagree with its conclusions or its interpretation of history, but it is just a movie.