Movie Question Answered

What do Sam (Tom Hanks) and Annie (Meg Ryan) do after they get down from the Empire State Building at the end of Sleepless In Seattle?

I think that they went back to Sam’s hotel in Times Square, put Jonah to bed, went down to the hotel bar, where Sam preceded to get hammered on red wine (or Zima), and ended-up talking about his deceased wife all night long before trying to awkwardly kiss Annie and convince her to come up his hotel room for “just a minute.”

Like a bad ending to an episode of Blind Date, he asks her if she likes him, she hesitantly says yes, he tries to make his move, she says no, he persists, she gets irritated, he starts launching Hail Marys, he forces her into an uncomfortable hug that lasts a few seconds too long, and then they part way.
However, the normal rules of dating don’t seem to apply to men over 35. After my mom died and my dad started dating again, I would often give him advice on when to call, what not to do, etc. For some odd reason, when you’re dating at that age, you do the exact opposite of what you do when you’re in your 20s. Instead of waiting two days to call, you call when you get home THAT NIGHT. Instead of playing it cool, you immediately send her a dozen roses. Instead of teasing her, you compliment the heck out of her. For us younger guys, that’s a totally foreign and baffling concept. It’s also quite scary. For my dad and his date, it was totally normal.

I bring this up because maybe the fact that Sam and Annie live on different coasts, don’t really know each other, will see each other only a couple times a year, he’s a widowed single dad and she recently broke-up an engagement, makes them a perfect match. After all, it’s the exact opposite of what I would do.

Review Of: Superbad

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Seth, borrowing hair and clothing from Napoleon Dynamite, and trying his best not to do a Chris Farley impression, and Evan, a dumber version of William Miller from Almost Famous, embark on a journey to provide alcohol for a party in an attempt to impress their two crushes. Wait. Actually, I could cut and paste the synopsis for Stardust in here and it would still work … check it out.

STARDUST
Tristan is the local loser who has a crush on the town hottie. In order to prove his worthiness and love for the hot chick, he sets off to find the remains of a shooting star and bring them back to the shallow, attractive girl. Along the way, Tristan encounters witches and princes and spells and black magic and talking animals and pirates and most importantly, the shooting star – whose actually is Claire Danes.

SUPERBAD
Seth and Evan are the local high school losers who have crushes on the town hotties. In order to prove their worthiness and love for the hot chicks, they set off to find alcohol and bring it back to the shallow, attractive girls. Along the way, Seth and Evan encounter fake IDs, police officers, drugs, fights, car accidents and most importantly, the alcohol.

The fact that both synopses can be written the same way is not a bad thing. In fact, it shows that mans eternal quest to prove his love for a woman is a timeless tale. But it also shows that the greater experience is not the completion of the quest, but rather the journey itself; whether it’s in Medieval England with a would-be prince or Suburban California with two horny teenagers.

Thank you for watching Inside the Actor’s Studio. I’m James Lipton.

Noteworthy Moment From Before the Movie Started:

I love the stereotypical crowds for certain types of movies. You catch an animated film and it’s a bunch of soccer-MILFs hanging out with already hyper children who aren’t paying attention and are eating candy and drinking soda for an hour and a half. A Meg Ryan film produces tons of single girls and couples where the guy is whipped. Any period piece flick or war film will have all the suburban empty-nesters out in droves, and any Depression-era film will get the Matlock Fan Club to fill the seats. Obviously you make a sci-fi movie and you have a bunch of dorks who haven’t been laid since William Shatner made a good movie. And any movie containing a “z” instead of an “s” in its title, and you have people yelling at the screen and cell phones going off the entire time.

I mention this because before seeing a young adult film like Superbad, I noticed I was surrounded by a bunch of teenagers who still think it’s funny to throw Skittles, make farting sounds when the theatre goes black, and dress like Turtle from Entourage.

Quote of the Movie:

“Have you looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard The Beatles.”

“You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.”

“Why don’t you calm down, it’s soccer.”

The last quote is directed to ESPN and everyone else who is trying in-vain to make David Beckham and soccer relevant. It’s never going to happen. We don’t care!

Pleasant Surprise:

McLovin.

And in two ways:

1) I haven’t giggled at a name throughout a movie that much since Focker in Meet the Parents.

2) Surprisingly the McLovin sequences were consistently the funniest parts of the film. The kid was a great mix between William (Charlie Korsmo) in Can’t Hardly Wait and Kyle (DJ Quails) from Road Trip. And while Seth and Evan were embarking on the most boring part of the film (trying to steal alcohol from a party), McLovin and the cops were producing lines like “You just cock-blocked McLovin.”

Nit-picking:

You thought it was a stretch how Ben (Seth Rogan) hooked-up with Allison (Katherine Heigl) in Knocked Up? That’s nothing compared to the stretch of Seth (Jonah Hill) getting even the slightest big of attention from Jules (Emma Stone) in high school.

How do I know? Because I lived Seth’s and Evan’s lives during high school. And there isn’t enough alcohol in high school to ever convince the hot, popular chick to be interested in fat, vulgar dork. It’s not happening. Believe me, I tried. And I wasn’t even fat or vulgar. Jules is getting it from half the linebacking corps and the starting backcourt.

What I Learned:

That this was a funny movie but would have been even better if Evan (Michael Cera) wouldn’t have killed it with his acting. He made Kevin (Thomas Ian Nichols) from American Pie look like Jack Nicholson.

Cards on the Table Time:

You are going to laugh aloud during this movie. You are going to get frustrated by the fact there is no way two-time Academy Award winner, Evan, is turning down his high school crush while she is drunk, offering to give him head, while dry-humping his leg, and is only wearing a bra. Think of your high school crush, are you turning them down in that scenario? I didn’t think so. Pope Benedict wouldn’t turn down his crush given those conditions and we are supposed to believe Evan will? C’mon.

Anyway, you are going to be pleasantly surprised by Seth Rogan and his cop-buddy’s performances – even if it gets old by the end. You are going to note the strange number of vehicle-related incidents. You are going to be startled by the amount of profanity. You are going to wish there was some form of nudity in the same spirit of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You are going to grow emotionally attached to a bottle of Goldslick Vodka. You are going to think to yourself, “wow, this ending is dragging.” But most importantly, you are going to enjoy the movie not because of the unoriginal rite-of-passage plot, but because the characters are fun and how they talk to each other is hilarious. You are going to have a good time and walk out of the theatre happy.

Now I bet you can’t hardly wait to see this film and talk about with your friends afterwards eating a slice of American pie.

Correction:
From the review of I Know Who Killed Me, the name of the crappy movie that destroys Vegas in Resident Evil: Extinction, not Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

The Best Vegas Movies, Part II

#5 – Casino

This movie will get you in the mood for Vegas simply because it gives you a great understanding of what Vegas was like before Stardust, Circus-Circus, Tropicana and The Frontier all sucked, before Steve Wynn changed The Strip forever when he built The Mirage, and before MGM ruined Treasure Island by turning it into TI.

But there are two things that keep Casino from being a great Vegas movie, and to an extent, a great movie altogether:

A. None of the characters are likeable.
B. It lacks quotable or memorable lines

In Casino’s older brother, Goodfellas, Ray Liotta’s character is pretty much a likeable guy for most of the film. Joe Pesci’s character is enjoyable for the same reasons as Tony Soprano. And we root for Robert DeNiro’s character because he does the things we like to see from a mob character. In Casino, unless you like characters who chain smoke, do lots and lots of drugs, betray their best friend by hooking up with his wife, and wear funny-looking robes and suits – you probably aren’t going to like any of the main characters. And there isn’t one “I’m funny like a clown, I’m here to amuse you” scenes.

All of that being said, the first hour of the film is as good as it gets. It gives you a fantastic behind the scenes look of how a casino was run in 70s, how annoying redneck gamblers can be, Vegas’ policy on cheaters, and why you want to avoid Joe Pesci and vises whenever possible. Add that stuff up, and put it with Scorsese’s direction, awesome cinematography, cool music, solid acting by DeNiro, Pesci, and unbelievably Sharon Stone, and Casino is just good enough to crack the top five – kinda like The Luxor.

#4 – Bugsy

A lot of you probably don’t know this movie but it’s the extremely loosely-based true story of how Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel conceived Las Vegas and built The Flamingo in the 40s.

While driving back to L.A. from a Vegas casino that looks like the location of a bad horror movie starring Ryan Gosling, Bugsy gets into a fight with his feisty girlfriend Virginia Hill, whose nickname is Flamingo due to her celebrated fellatio capabilities. As legend has it, and how it is wonderfully shown in the movie, Bugsy angrily pulls his car over, storms out into the desert, stops, and as the sun is setting behind him, envisions today’s Las Vegas. His vision even includes Las Vegas overcharging patrons to ride the monorail.

In some interesting and amusing scenes, the movie shows Ben convincing his mobster friends to finance building the hotel, the construction problems of building a casino in the desert while also having no idea of actually how to build a casino, dealing with how everyone from Danny Gans to Lance Burton, thought The Flamingo was going to be a huge disaster, and eventually Ben’s downfall.

Say you found yourself in Africa having to describe Las Vegas to an indigenous tribesmen, you could do a lot worse than using this line from the movie, which may be its best line, “I have found the answer to the dreams of America … What do people always fantasize about? Sex, romance, money, adventure! I'm building a monument to all of them. I’m talking about a hotel, I'm talking about Las Vegas, Nevada. A place where gambling is allowed, where everything is allowed!”

If you don’t get goose bumps when the ending credits roll and you see how The Flamingo looks today and how much revenue it has generated, then you don’t deserve to go to Las Vegas. Although, after seeing this movie going into The Flamingo will never be the same and you’ll always be annoyed at the fact the only monument to Ben Siegel is a bar called, “Bugsy’s Bar”, and a small plaque located somewhere near a handicapped restroom and the keno room.

#3 – Vegas Vacation

This was by far the toughest movie to rank …

On one hand, the movie is titled Vegas Vacation so it should automatically get you in the mood to go to Vegas. On the other hand, everyone except for Clark Griswold bitches about going to Las Vegas.

On one hand, Nick Papageorgio from Yuma, Vegas’ experience is a classic Vegas tale complete with quotable lines and memorable scenes. On the other hand, Cousin Eddie is heavily involved in the plot.

On one hand, Audrey is ridiculously hot. On the other hand, the Hoover Dam scenes are more painful than overeating at The Excalibur buffet.

On one hand, you get to hear that catchy “Holiday Road” song in a scene with Billy Joel’s ex-wife. On the other hand, the deus ex machina ending features the Griswolds winning a game of keno.

On one hand, you get the hilarious sequence of alternate casino games such as Pick-A-Number, Heads Or Tails, Rock-Paper-Scissors, and Coin Toss. On the other hand, did I mention Cousin Eddie was in the movie? A lot.

On one hand, the movie takes place at The Mirage and Wayne Newton is a funny guy. On the other hand, the Siegfried and Roy scenes aren’t even accidentally entertaining and Clark’s gambling habits are only accidentally entertaining.

So I have no clue where all of that leaves us? Vegas Vacation is kinda like walking through Caesars’ Palace drunk at 3 a.m. – you are pretty sure in you’re in the right place, you are really confused if you are walking in the right direction, but at least you’re in Vegas.

#2 – Swingers

I debated whether a movie that is only in Vegas for about 20 minutes during the first act could qualify as the second best Vegas movie, and then I remembered two words that ended the debate: VEGAS, BABY! If you only had a half hour to get revved up about a Vegas trip, Swingers would be your Vince Lombardi. I mean, have you ever met one person who doesn’t love screaming Vegas, Baby! before or during a Vegas trip? Add in the infamous double-down scene, Mike and Trent debating how to get comp’d, Trent hitting-on Kristy the Cocktail Waitress, Mike bombing hitting-on an ugly restaurant waitress, then bombing hitting-on Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and the wonderfully painful “We’re not in Kansas anymore/ I’m a comedian” dialog, and then finally bombing at his chance to get laid by talking about his ex-girlfriend … Swingers is so money.

One of the little details I love about the Swingers-Vegas scenes is how Mike and Trent get invited back to Kristy the Cocktail Waitress’ place and it turns out she lives in a stainless-steel trailer! Classic. Stories like that is what makes Vegas great.

One of the little details I absolutely hate is after Mike gets killed on $100 blackjack table, they end up playing on a $5 table where an old lady inexplicably hits on 17 and gets a 4!?!? WTF?! Don’t encourage that annoying/stupid/frustrating/idiotic behavior by showing it in a freakin’ movie and rewarding the character with her winning her bet AND getting free breakfast!!!!!! Is that enough exclamation points? No. Here are a few more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jon Favreau should know better. On the other hand, this is the same guy who allegedly passed on writing the screenplay for Ocean’s 11 and starred in Something’s Gotta Give and Wimbledon, so maybe he doesn’t actually know better.

Anyway, on a warm and fuzzy note, how Trent stops making-out with Kristy the Cocktail Waitress to check on Mikey is what friendship and Vegas is all about.

#1 – Ocean’s 11

What do I think it’s going to take to explain why Ocean’s 11 is the number one Vegas movie? Well off the top of my head, I'd say I am looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever!

1. Accents

If singing aloud to “Mr. Brightside” is my favorite thing, quoting movies in foreign accents is in the top twenty. Imagine you are playing blackjack, the dealer is showing an ace, and you are down to your last bet and have a 16, you can use this pearl of wisdom from Basher, “We are in Barney … Barney Rubble … TROUBLE!”

Or, say you are in the same situation, you can break out some Lymon Zerga when the dealer asks you if you want insurance, “I don’t believe in weakness … I don’t believe in questions, either!”

2. Gambling Pointers

You can’t have three pairs! You can't have six cards! You can't have six cards in a five-card game!

Two words: All Red!

The house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.

(I hope I didn’t rush that last paragraph)

3. How To Order Drinks

I need a whiskey and a whiskey.

4. History Lessons

If you ever find yourself in The Bellagio or The Wynn art galleries, you can confidently turn to two tourists from Florida and tell them that Monet married his mistress and Maney had syphilis.

Also, Terry Benedicts’ line to Rusty, "If you should be picked-up buying a $100,000 sports car in Newport Beach, I'm going to be extremely disappointed," is in reference to the kidnapping of Steve Wynn's daughter. The kidnappers were caught trying to spend the ransom money in Newport Beach as they attempted to buy a very expensive car in cash. They were apprehended.

5. Ocean’s 11 Stay At The Bellagio

Casino takes places at the fictional Tangiers, which is based off of the Stardust, but filmed in The Riviera. The Riviera and the Stardust are like the Filet-o-Fish and Ruzna of Las Vegas.

Swingers takes place at the Stardust (one of the few mistakes the characters made – they passed-up Treasure Island {before it was TI} and Caesar’s Palace before settling on the Stardust)

Go takes place at The Rivera … fast-food fish sandwich anyone?

Honeymoon In Indecent Proposal takes place at Bally’s and the Las Vegas Hilton.

Thank God Terry Benedict didn’t own Casino Royale, Aladdin, and the Barbary Coast.

6. Gives Props To The Godfather

Casey Affleck and Scott Caan’s characters are named Virgil and Turk. In The Godfather, one of the bad guys is a fella named Virgil “The Turk” Sollozzo. Oh, and Scott Caan’s dad is none other than James Caan, who played Sonny.

7. Contains Actors From Vegas Vacation and Bugsy

Elliot Gould plays the colorful Rueben Tishkoff in Ocean’s 11 and the dim-witted Harry Greenberg in Bugsy. Jerry Weintraub plays Jilly from Philly in Vegas Vacation and the gambler who warns Saul/Lymon about getting in debt to Terry Benedict.

Since I have nothing else really to say, I’d like to add that both actors have really bad chest hair.

8. Gives Tips On How To Pick-Up Women In Vegas

If you look down, she knows you're lying, and up, she knows you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make her laugh. She's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left her hotel room. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances...

9. Gives You A Way To Measure Distance In Vegas

The line to get into Rum Jungle is longer than my … well, it’s long.

How far of a walk is it from The Forum Shops to my hotel room in Caesar’s? It’s longer than my … well, it’s long.

How long do I have to wait to get Toni Braxton tickets at The Flamingo? It’s shorter than me after I get out of a cold pool … well, it’s short.

10. Not The Typical Vegas Movie

From a pure-Vegas standpoint, this isn’t a typical Vegas film. Not a lot of gambling. Very little drinking. No one hooks up with a bridesmaid or bridesmaids. No zany or wacky adventures. Just 11 guys who decide to rob a casino because they are bored and the guy who owns the casino is a prick and is dating one of the guy’s ex-wife. But this movie wouldn’t work if Vegas wasn’t the backdrop. For proof of this, watch the second and third acts of Ocean’s 12.

You need all the cash that engulfs Vegas. You need the random celebrities, the over-the-top events (like the boxing match in the film). You need the billon dollar hotels towering over the characters. You need all the greed, glitz and glamour that only Las Vegas can produce. And all of those things are why Ocean’s 11 is the best Vegas movie, despite not having one character blow his life savings on the craps table.

Ten oughta do it, don't you think? You think we need one more? You think we need one more. All right, I’ll do one more.

11. Friendship

The spirit of Ocean’s 11 is what going to Vegas with your friends is all about Sure you’re probably not going to stay in the penthouse at The Bellagio, steal a “pinch”, rob three casinos, and violate your parole.

But, you are going to break your friends’ balls like Virgil and Turk do to each other. You are going to get mocked and offered unsolicited advice by a fellow gambler, like the way Saul/Lymon does. You are going to sincerely say “thanks” to your best friend like the way Danny does to Rusty after they talk about Tess. You are going to say “that’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen” while a dealer pays you after a successful double-down. And you are going to stand in front of the Bellagio fountains at one point during your trip and marvel at where you are and what you’ve accomplished. You are going to have the time of your life – whether you are with one friend or 11.

The Best Vegas Movies, Part I

NOT EVEN IN CONSIDERATION

Fools Rush In

A few basic things you don’t ever want to have happen in a Vegas movie:

1. The main character bitching about going to Vegas.
2. The main character impregnating a girl during a one-night stand.
3. The main character having to marry a casino cocktail waitress because she’s pregnant.
4. The two main characters’ parents meeting.
5. The climax of the movie occurring at the Hoover Dam.

Ugh.

GOOD BUT TOO DAMN DEPRESSING

Leaving Las Vegas

There is a lot to like about this movie: the title of the hotel where Nic Cage stays at (clue: it’s the name of this blog), the music, the humor in first 45 minutes, Elizabeth Shue’s breasts, and the combined sadness of Nic Cage’s and Elizabeth Shue’s characters. But, the movie is ridiculously melancholy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing except you want a Vegas movie to get you pumped up about being part of the atmosphere that is Las Vegas. Unfortunately, Leaving Las Vegas makes you want to watch Schindler’s List and United 93 just to cheer up.

TWO REASONS WHY YOU DON’T BRING YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND TO LAS VEGAS

Honeymoon in Vegas/Indecent Proposal

These movies came out within a year of each other (’92 and ’93 respectively) and pretty much feature the exact same plot and moral of the story – we call this Deep Impact/Armageddon Syndrome … which doesn’t make sense since Deep Impact and Armageddon came out after Honeymoon in Vegas and Indecent Proposal … so maybe it should be called Honeymoon in Vegas/Indecent Proposal Syndrome … Anyway, I’m rambling. Point is, don’t use your woman as collateral.

I’LL GET BACK WITH YOU ON THIS ONE

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I was going to write a review about Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but then I got high. I was going to see if it was a good Vegas movie that inspires me to embark on a series of fulfilling adventures, but then I got high. I was going to see if it made me want to see a Cirque Du Soleil show, but then I got high. Then I got high. Then I got high.

Bum and bum, bum, bum, bump.

DON’T EVEN THINK IT

Rain Man

It’s fundamentally wrong for Dustin Hoffman to be a leading man in a good Vegas movie. It’s a philosophical conflict of interest. Those two things just don’t go together. Sort of like Chris O'Donnell and convincing acting. Maybe if it was Christopher Walken counting cards, hitting on hookers, and learning how to dance at Caesar’s Palace, I’d feel differently, but it’s not, it’s Dustin Hoffman. You just can’t get past it – kinda like walking behind a fat person through a row of slot machines. Only Richard Dreyfuss could have hurt the Vegas-cred more than Dustin Hoffman.

CLOSE, BUT NOT ENOUGH

Go

As they said in the movie after their Vegas trip, “Just so we're clear, you stole a car, shot a bouncer, and had sex with two women?” Seems like some good ingredients for a Vegas movie, right? Unfortunately, the main characters also get food poisoning from eating shrimp at a buffet, almost burn down a hotel – hence ruining the aforementioned threesome, and stay at The Rivera. Ouch. But this is a really fun movie and if they just had a few more classic scenes and/or lines (like Swingers) I would have no problem putting them into the top five even though most of the movie takes place outside of Las Vegas.

Review of: Stardust

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Tristan is the local loser who has a crush on the town hottie. In order to prove his worthiness and love for the hot chick, he sets off to find the remains of a shooting star and bring them back to the shallow, attractive girl. Along the way, Tristan encounters witches and princes and spells and black magic and talking animals and pirates and most importantly, the shooting star – who actually is Claire Danes.

Noteworthy Moment From Before The Movie Started:

Sitting in the theatre, my friend Nicole and I realize we have NO idea what this movie is about. I suggest that since it’s called Stardust, it’s about a recently failed Las Vegas casino whose best qualities were its location, Wayne Newton, and Tony Roma Ribs.

As the theatre begins to fill-up, we realize that the moviegoers look they just came from the early-bird special at Furrs Cafeteria and will probably hitting Marie Callenders afterwards for some pie. So we decide to play a game – guess what movie we were seeing just based on who is sitting in the theatre. Here is what we came up with: Driving Miss Daisy, Again. The Golden Girls Movie: The Nursing Home Years. Cocoon III: The Chrysalis Stage.

Quote of the Movie:

“I am a princess tricked into being a witch’s slave – will you liberate me?”

- Una

(She was totally talking in code! Nine months later she unexpectedly had a little man! I really enjoyed that line.

I want a girl out there to use that quote at a bar next weekend and see if they can get “liberated” too … just be a little more careful than Una though, please.)

Pleasant Surprise:

After Claire Danes got laid, since she is a star, she literally radiated and glowed after sex. Claire had to take the weirdest Walk of Shame in the history of Walks of Shame. Bad enough you’re wearing the same clothes, but you’re also emitting enough light to light-up the top of The Luxor.

“No, no … Tristan I just kissed a few times and snuggled … I swear, that’s all we did! I am not glowing! You are imagining things!”

Nit-picking:

Two things kinda bothered me:

1) The geography in the movie was inconsistent. For the protagonists, it took them considerably more time to travel a leg of their journey than it did for the antagonist. It’d take Tristan and Claire Danes days to cover a stretch of land that the evil-doers could knockout in 20 minutes. There is a sequence where Tristan and Claire hitch a ride on a balloon and they are on the balloon for such a long that they learn how to dance and swordfight. The bad guys play one game of solitaire and they are there.

2) In movies like Stardust, the “rules” or lore of the fairytale lands are sometimes too weird and random. For instance, we learn that: There are flowers that prevent spells from turning you into woodland creatures. Stars can’t shine with a broken heart. Babylon candles are hard to come by. Getting a star’s heart keeps you young. Sacrificing animals gives your own GPS. And certain jewelry can give you eternal life. Whatever.

I bring this up because characters can find loopholes to rules or new rules or amendments to old rules at key points in the film and we can’t really question their validity to the story. This would be like watching Forrest Gump and instead of Jenny dying of AIDS, out of nowhere Forrest burns his ping-pong paddle, sings Elvis’ “You’re The Devil Disguise,” and pours Dr. Pepper over Jenny’s drug tread marks and reproductive organs, and suddenly she was healed. How does that work?

What I Learned:

The writers of the film are huge Star Wars fans. During the climax of the film, we have an evil character who is shriveled-up and disfigured, who can also shoot lightening bolts. We have a good character fighting an evil character with a sword. We have a whole host of evil, taunting laughs. We have a character that can throw, move, and break things just by using the forc … casting a spell. And, we have a parent who is looking for redemption and who can help the good guy defeat the bad person.

Return of the Jedi anyone?

Cards on the Table Time (in conclusion):

Stardust doesn’t cover any new ground. You got the classic tale of the dork, trying to win the heart of a beauty, only to find someone who loves him for him, and all the while battling corrupt evil figures, and meeting some unexpected friends along the way.

Despite all of that, I really didn’t mind the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t be buying the DVD, but I found myself rooting for the fun and innocent Tristan. He was a likeable guy and there was enough chemistry with Claire Danes to make the love story worthwhile. The set design is so good that it will make you want to visit Fantasyland in DisneyWorld and the peanut gallery ghosts will make you want to ride The Haunted Mansion. At least three times you’ll be thanking God that the producers casted Claire Danes instead of Gwyneth Paltrow (who would have killed the movie). Michelle Pfeiffer plays the bad guy just well enough that you don’t like her. Either that or you may not actually like Michelle Pfeiffer – which is a possibility. Oh, and DeNiro pops-up a gay pirate. Enough said.

There is some pretty funny adult humor in Stardust and the morals of the story, while they won’t change your life, are good enough to keep the females in the crowd happy. They avoid using too many special effects that would have made the movie look like a George Lucas flick and the karma inflicted on those who hurt animals will have you making Michael Vick jokes during the ending credits. So if you are meeting your parents for an early dinner at the Olive Garden, suggest Stardust, it’s a lot better than watching Golden Girls reruns at home or playing bingo at The Stardust.

Review of: I Know Who Killed Me

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Aubrey (Lindsay Lohan) is a typical promising college student who dazzles her classmates with tales of mystery and suspense. She has a token sexually frustrated boyfriend, successful and still married parents, and has recently decided to give up the piano to focus on her writing, despite winning numerous musical awards in years past. Aubrey gets abducted by a local serial killer, manages to escape, but when she is found and awakes in the hospital, she claims she is not the Aubrey everyone says she is.

Noteworthy Moment From Before The Movie Started:

We were treated to a preview of the most recent installment of Resident Evil, cleverly title Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Per the preview, the fate of the world is supposedly going to be decided on the post-apocalyptic Las Vegas Strip – more specifically, in front of The Venetian.

I was traumatized. Still am.

I was not prepared to see The Strip in a destroyed condition. I would have been fine if all of this action took place in front of the Imperial Palace, but the producers should have left the rest of The Strip out of it. Watching this crappy movie’s characters fight it out at The Venetian, with The Mirage in background, and overhead shots of MGM Grand and New York/New York spliced in-between action scenes, was haunting. And not in a Silence of the Lambs, good way. Destroy Los Angeles as much as you want, but leave Las Vegas A-LONE!

Subjecting me to the Resident Evil: Apocalypse preview was like making one of the Kennedys watch the Zapruder film.

Pleasant Surprise:

Two actors from the 90s made unintentionally hilarious resurgent appearances in I Know Who Killed Me: Julia Ormond from Legends of the Fall, First Knight, and Sabrina. And Mr. Bigglesworth from the Austin Powers Trilogy. I couldn’t decide who has aged better.

In case you are wondering, there is no love triangle involving Julia – a first for her career. And in another career first, no one dies who is courting Julia, either. Congrats on the achievements!

Quote Of The Movie:

“People get cut, that’s life.”

- Jerrod Pointer, Aubrey’s boyfriend

(Good luck figuring out if he was talking literally or metaphorically.)

Nit-Picking:

You get beaten over the head with the color blue throughout the entire movie. I’m all for setting moods and using symbolism, but saturating the film with blue isn’t exactly like the red roses from American Beauty. Instead the movie looks like the Cookie Monster threw-up all over the reel and was the movie’s Set Designer and Lighting Director.

What I Learned:

When you have an artificial leg, don’t forget to plug it in at night before you go to sleep, that way it will be fully charged by morning. And when you have a bionic arm, be careful giving handshakes or handjo … keeping your sexually frustrated boyfriend at bay.

Originally I Know Who Killed Me was going to be called Please Don’t Drive Me Home Lindsay, You Smell Like Vodka. (Thank you! Thank you! You are a beautiful audience! I’ll be here all week!)

I bet you all can guess what the sequel to this movie would be called … I STILL Know Who Killed Me. (Thank you! Really, you are too kind. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Cards on the Table Time (in conclusion):

I think the only people who could say they liked this movie would be MADD. And only during and after the torture scenes when Lindsay gets her hand and leg removed, thus rendering her unable to operate a vehicle or hold two drinks at once. The entire cast spent two weeks at the Geena Davis School of Acting hosted by Catherine Zeta-Jones. Everyone sucked in this movie. Even the non-speaking extras sucked. The special effects when they weren’t making you laugh because they are so cheesy, were making you squirm because they are so unnecessarily gross. And the story was about as well thought out as the Iraq war and as predictable as the Titanic hitting the iceberg in Titanic.

If someone would have told me after Mean Girls that Lindsay Lohan would be a stripper in an upcoming movie, I would have been on Youtube 24/7 trying to find bootlegged footage of the dailies. Tragically, Lindsay looked gross as a stripper. She wasn’t even mildly cute … of course it doesn’t help when your skin has redhead complexion and you dye your hair black and do so much coke you that look like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.

Anyone who says that sex sells should watch this movie not long after watching Showgirls and Striptease. One of my movie pet-peeves is when people say all Hollywood makes are movies that show violence and T&A. Hollywood makes movies that make money. And frankly, movies like this and all the other films that rely on purely on sex appeal and random violence, instead of story and strong characters, bomb worse Planet Hollywood: Tulsa.

Since I don’t want to be all negative, I’ll say that the premise was just good enough to be placed in the Gangs of the New York Memorial Wing of the Bad Movies Museum. Good idea, bad execution. I saw an entertaining preview for this movie a few weeks ago and said to my best friend Ryan, “I’d feel a lot better about that movie if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t in it.” And as Al Pacino said in The Devil’s Advocate, “it’s fun to be right.”