Super Bowl XL Awards

Best Super Bowl Quote:

“Any animal that can climb a rock wall without opposable thumbs; we probably shouldn’t kill.”

- Ryan, commenting on mountain goat hunting laws during a commercial break.

Best Example of George W. Bush Logic:

Hours before the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the #18 ranked Oklahoma Sooners, coming back from a 16 point second half deficit, in the best game of the season so far (about 1,000 times more exciting than the Super Bowl, too).

When the new rankings were released on Monday, were the Jayhawks ranked ahead of Oklahoma? No. Were the Jayhawks even ranked? Nope. Oklahoma is currently ranked #20, and the Colorado Buffalose are ranked #25. Yet Kansas has defeated both of those teams, has a better conference record, and are ahead of both of them in the Big 12 standings.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Best Politically Incorrect Joke:

Before the Super Bowl, the NFL honored the memory of Rosa Parks – which spawned the following remark:

Do you think they buried Rosa Parks in the front or the back of the cemetery?

Most Obvious and Slightly Coincidental Observation:

Aretha Franklin singing the national anthem for Super Bowl XL.

Most Simultaneously Asked Question in 90 Million Households:

Why the hell doesn’t Aaron Neville get that mole removed from his face?

Best Motivational Super Bowl Technique:

Steelers coach Bill Cohwer convincing running back Jerome Bettis there was an all-you-can buffet located in the back of each end zone.

Best Commercial Example of The Golden Rule:

In the FedEx caveman commercial, after getting fired a frustrated caveman place-kicks an innocent dinosaur as he stomps away from his cave. Seconds later, the caveman is crushed by the giant foot of a Karmasourous.

Quick aside - Anyone else notice that cavemen seem to be the focus of a lot of commercials lately?

Best Commercial That Almost Triggered a Group Hug and Inspired Random Acts of Kindness:

That darned Budweiser commercial with the horses helping push the cart for the younger horse. Holy cow was that a moving commercial (pun intended).

When that commercial ended, I immediately wanted to join the Peace Corp or Greenpeace or give money to a charitable organization or something like that. Instead I had a Budweiser … but for a few minutes I really wanted to do something more with my life.

Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing the Super Bowl:

My friend and Denver Seminary professor Dr. Doug Groothuis, calling on the readers of his blog to boycott the Super Bowl.

I think anytime you can boycott an event that brings families and friends together; for an afternoon of bonding, conversation and good food, while watching one of America’s pastimes - you have to do it.

I mean why should we, as a society, participate in something ridiculous like that?

Company I Gained the Most Respect for Because of their Commercials:

Ameriquest Mortgage’s and their “Don’t Judge too Quickly” commercials.

(Just to refresh your memory; their first commercial had a guy lying in a hospital and the doctor’s discussing killing a fly, when a family member walks-in thinking the doctors are discussing the patient. And the other one had a lady climbing over a seat in an airplane, getting her blouse snagged on something, turbulence, and the rest of the plane assuming she’s messing around with one of the passengers.)

Too many mortgage and investment commercials show gray-haired men fishing in the wilderness, or retired couples sitting on swings on their porches, or someone working in their garage fixing something, or families walking down a beach together. It’s refreshing to see a company show they have a personality and a sense of humor about home mortgages.

Best Politician’s Name that is Going to Illicit the Most Inappropriate Jokes in US History:

New United States House of Representatives, Majority Leader: John Boehner.

It’s going to be really hard to not to make long jokes about his pulsating personality, firm stances on huge issues, and to erect a statue in his honor.

(Ooooohhhh, evidently it’s not pronounced like it’s spelled – Dang it! Never mind)

Most Palpable Sign the Super Bowl Was Really, Really Boring and I Had Nothing Interesting to Say About the Game Itself:

Read my previous joke about John Boehner.

On a related note, how hilarious is it that in the late 80s/early 90s we had a major TV character on one of the most popular family sitcoms in America, named: Boner!

Did this bother anyone? Did anyone call for any boycotts of Growing Pains? Were mothers disturbed by their daughters swooning over a character whose best friend’s nickname was a slang term for an erect penis? Can you imagine turning on Seventh Heaven and having a regular character nicknamed “Hard Cock”?

The Further Proof That Childbirth Isn’t a Miracle Award:

Thanks to our environmentally conscience friends at Hummer, we learned that the Hummer is the result of a love-child between some sort of hairy Godzilla that needs to shave, and a giant robot. Pretty gross. Mark this as reason #642 I won’t ever buy a Hummer.

On the plus side, we also learned that the hairy Godzilla can use the new Gillette Fusion, and all of its 19 blades and 24 lubricating strips, to shave itself. What a wonderful image that is. Frankly I’m surprised we didn’t see that in any cross-promotional spots. Maybe next year.

The Memorial Men’s Capri Bad Idea Award:

2-for1 Shampoo and Body Wash.

Call me picky, call me finicky, call me a metrosexual; but I want specialized soap. I don’t want one thing that can wash the hair on my head, my butt, my feet and everything else. Clearly different parts of my body have different needs, and I have a hard time believing one type of cleaning solution can adequately address all of those needs.

I don’t care if the soap comes from Mr. Clean, the Arm and Hammer guy, the Head n’ Shoulders guy, Mrs. Butterworth, and a Hummer; all having sex – and the result is some sort of super-soap that cleans my hair, my body, and I can brush my teeth with – I want shampoo, body wash and toothpaste all to be separate.

13 Reasons the Kansas Jayhawks Don't Suck This Year

“My step-dad said Kansas sucks this year.”

- Lindsay, to me on Sunday.

“Kansas kinda sucks this year.”

- Ryan (KU fan and honorary Jayhawk), to me on Monday.

“WHAT THE *UCK!?!?!?”

- Me, to myself after Ryan and Lindsay said those things.


Two “Kansas sucks this year” comments on consecutive days? What are the odds? But they got me to thinking: Have I lost total objectivity? Does Kansas actually suck this year and I’ve been totally blind to it; wasting away in a pool of denial and defiance?

Or, are Ryan and Lindsay’s step-dad just so used to Jayhawk domination, that when a “good” or “average” or even “slightly above average” team takes the floor, they translate that into sucking?

Yep, that’s gotta be it.

So I came up with:

13 Reasons the Kansas Jayhawks Don’t Suck This Year


1. For all the numbers and stats people in the crowd (and to prove it’s not just my Rock Chalk bias writing this article), here are some hard facts about KU.

- #1 in the entire nation in field goal defense.

- Winners of 11 out of their last 13 games – including wins over Kentucky, Texas Tech and Nebraska; and road wins against Colorado, Iowa State and Texas Tech.

- 5-2 in the Big 12 Conference which is good enough for 2nd place, trailing only a top 10 team, Texas, by one game.

- #1 in Big 12 conference play in scoring. #1 in Big 12 conference play in defense (in terms of shooting percentage).

- 14-6 overall record with 10 regular season games to play.
(Considering you usually need 20 wins to reach the NCAA tournament, Kansas needs to only win 6 out of their last 10 to qualify)

2. Winner of the “Mush from A Bronx Tale” Award, Christian Moody, is no longer starting.

Christian Moody somehow morphed from a charming, former walk-on who made solid contributions in terms of points, rebounding, defense and leadership; into a guy where no lead is too safe.

During Saturday’s win against Iowa State, every time Coach Self inserted Moooooodddddyyy, the Cyclones would immediately go on an 8-0 run. And that happened at least three times. He’s like the anti-shamrock. I still can’t even joke about the Missouri game, or wonder why he was even out on the court in the first place during crunch time, or wonder why Kansas fans think its so damn funny and encouraging to applaud him every time he makes a free throw now.

Luckily, Coach Self has realized that the blank stare on Christian’s face isn’t just an act, and has severely cut down on his minutes. During the Texas Tech game, I was actually worried that somehow Christian would find a way to get dunked on, throw a pass into the crowd, give-up a 30 point lead, and then miss a couple of crucial free throws – but he defied the Vegas odds and didn’t.

On the plus side, Moody is a former walk-on (you have to say that when discussing him), is an academic All-Big 12 player, and will be a doctor someday.

3. The Jayhawk team that played Syracuse for the National Championship in 01’-02’was 15-5 after 20 games – and that was a dominant team. As I stated before, the current team is 14-6 – only a one game difference.

4. The year before Roy Williams left KU for UNC, North Carolina had a record of 8-20. Now that’s sucking!

It’s fair to compare UNC to Kansas in that they are both storied programs, with a long history of success, and have similar year-to-year expectations.

That Carolina team was just as young and talented as the current Kansas team (4 current NBA players were on that Carolina team), but sucked so bad they didn’t make the NCAA tournament, didn’t even make the NIT tournament, and became the subject of countless “Carolina Blew” jokes. Many pundits and fans thought this would be Kansas’ fate this year. Instead, Kansas should make the NCAA tournament, will finish with double, maybe even triple, the wins of that similar Carolina team, and also probably has 4 future NBA players on the roster.

5. Bucknell isn’t on their schedule and the odds of them playing again in this year’s NCAA tournament are pretty low.

Can’t stress enough how important this is.

6. If KU beats Oklahoma on Sunday, they should be ranked in the top 25 for the first time all season.

Teams that suck generally don’t get better as the season goes along, which Kansas clearly is – their record and statistics undoubtedly show the vast improvement from the beginning of the year, and even the beginning of Big 12 play, until now.

7. The kick-in-the-balls losses to Missouri and Kansas State were good things.

Last years team won close games by relying on experience and talent. This year’s team, while in many ways is just as talented, doesn’t have that valuable experience. Blowing leads to both of their rivals taught the young Jayhawks a valuable lesson on how not to finish games. Since those two losses, Kansas has been dominant. If Kansas continues to improve, the Missouri game will probably have been the wake-up call/turning point moment of the entire season.

I remember when I first started dating in high school, I thought it was a good move to be overly emotional and call my girlfriends all the time to ask them if they were mad at me. After getting dumped a few times for being a total sap, I realized that probably wasn’t the best strategy. That was the KState and Missou games to the Jayhawks. Lesson learned.

8. Sasha Kaun looks disturbingly a lot like Ethan Embry.

How can a team that has a 6-11 Russian center that looks like the Rusty from Vegas Vacation, suck? They can’t. It’s impossible.

9. Winner of the Obvious Nickname Award – “Super” Mario Chalmers, has turned into super shooting guard.

In Mario’s first game against Arizona, he had 0 points, 213 turnovers, got schooled 12 times, poster-ized 3 times, and fouled out. Okay, I’m exaggerating – but it was rough.

In the Iowa State game, against one of the best guard combos in the Big 12, Mario was 6-for-9 from the field, 3-for-5 in three pointers, 6-for-9 from the free throw line, 6 steals, and 21 points. Yikes. By himself, Mario can change a game defenseively, and his offensive skills are underrated and improving by the minute. In fact, during the time it has taken you to read this far, Mario has already gotten better. That’s how good he is.

He can also collect gold coins by hitting his head on bricks, can jump really far and slide down a flag pole, and when he is big, can shoot fireballs at his enemies.

10. Stephen Vinson is this year’s recipient of the “Jerod Haase Award” – As the Jayhawk having the most consistent groupie/cheerleader/sorority girl $ex after every game.

Anytime your back-up, back-up point guard is getting laid that much, he keeps the whole team focused, loose and inspired. Nothing, I mean NOTHING, that happens on the court during a game is going to rattle him - he takes it all in stride; believe me - he has other things on his mind.

Check out his picture, look how he happy he is!

11. Three Jayhawk players have songs correlated to their names.

Russell Robinson: Mrs. Robinson
(Do-Do-Do-Do-Do … And here’s to you Mr. Robinson, heaven has a place for guards that play.. yay, yay, yay …yay, yay, yay)

Sasha Kaun: Chaka Kahn
(Sasha Kaun – Sasha Kaun)

Darnell Jackson: Jackson, by Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash
(We’ve been talking about Jackson, ever since the fire went out. I’m going to Jackson, gonna mess around. Look out Jackson town)

12. Russell Robinson (who wears #3, by the way), Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers could be the best all-around guard trio in the country.

Robinson and Chalmers are two of the best defenders in the history of the world. They absolutely killed Iowa State’s guards last Saturday - and they were considered two of the best in the land. I’ll take Robinson and Chalmers defensive skills and match them up with anyone in the country.

Offensively, no one can cover Brandon Rush. If you stop his drives, he shoots three pointers and long jumpers over you. If you take those away, he dunks on your centers and power forwards, and ends up on SportsCenter. The only problem with Brandon’s game has been his lack of assertiveness. But now that Coach Self has convinced him he can’t be stopped, Rush has been one of the best players in the country – just ask Bobby Knight and Texas Tech.

Look at what the three Kansas guards average per game:

Rush – 18.0 points
Chalmers – 14.6 points
Robinson – 13.3 point

If Kansas even gets an average contribution from their inside players (Kaun, Wright, Jackson, Giles and Moody), between Rush, Robinson and Chalmer’s offense and defense, it’s very tough to beat KU.

Teams that suck don’t have 2 freshmen and a sophomore that have their skills, average those numbers, and have the wins that Kansas has. They just don’t.

13. Kansas’ defense will keep them in almost every game.

Kansas hasn’t been blown out once this year. In their victories, they average a margin of victory of 20+ points. In their losses, they have lost by an average margin of 4 points (which means they’ve been in every game and every game was winnable).

Kansas hasn’t been dominated by a team yet this year, and now that the freshmen understand how to finish games, they will likely win some of those games they lost earlier in the year. And even if the offense isn’t producing 80+ points a game (which it is averaging in the Big 12 right now), their #1 ranked defense will ensure they are always within striking distance and always give the Jayhawks a chance to win.

So, In conclusion …

Is this year’s team a dominant Kansas team? They have been at times, but generally not.

Are they are very good team? Not yet. Only finishing the Big 12 strong, a good showing in the Big 12 tournament, and a NCAA appearance, will guarantee that.

Are they an above average to good time – even by Kansas standards? Yes!

Do they suck?

Absolutely not!