Finally, A New Post ...

Remember in Forrest Gump, when Jenny leaves Forrest (after they get-it-on which results in Forrest Jr. being born) and Forrest aimlessly walks around his house, staring at Jenny’s former bedroom, with this blank and heartbroken look on his face, having no idea what to do with his life; and eventually Forrest has to run across the U.S a half-dozen times before his heart heals and he can return home … Well, since my last post almost a month ago, I’ve been metaphorically and figuratively jogging around the country. Sadly, I wasn’t able to come up with any clever “Have a Nice Day” t-shirts or any cool slogans like “$hit Happens,” that would make me rich, but my time was well-spent nonetheless.

Being the Christmas season and all, I’m not going to delve into the unfortunate series of events that led to my “jog,” but lets just say that now I feel like Superman in Superman II when he finds that weird, glowing, green crystal and suddenly gets his superpowers back - after inexplicably giving them up for Lois Lane (nice job, lady – you fall in love with Superman and then make him give-up his superhero abilities … yep, Lois is your typical woman). So I feel great, and I’m ready to bend some metal, fly all around, wear a red cape, and do some writing.

Okay, so lets play a little catch-up (I apologize if I am a little rusty):

First, a big, Kathy Bates-sized thank you to everyone who emailed me and posted comments asking me to write again. You know who you are – THANK YOU! Your comments really meant a lot.

Secondly, in October, I wrote that my recent vacation schedule closely resembles a Super Bowl rotation; in that I keep vacationing to Chicago, Kansas and Vegas – just like the Super Bowl seemingly rotates through Miami, New Orleans and San Diego (which in German of course means whale’s vagina). Well, I went to Kansas in November, Chicago for Thanksgiving, and on the 31st, Ryan and I head to Vegas to celebrate New Years!!!

Please keep Ryan and me in your thoughts and prayers as we try our hardest to fend off long-term liver damage, a full-fledged gambling addiction, and as Jimmy Dugan once pontificated, “avoid the clap.”

Thirdly, after a two-year hiatus, I’m back on the dating scene. I’m like Michael Jordan returning to the NBA after he spent a few years in retirement and playing baseball. So be ready to read all about the fascinating dating world; as I try to get into mid-season form, work on my jump shot and defense, polish-up my highlight reel dunks, perfect my dribbling skills, and once again try to become the greatest player in the world. Okay, maybe I was never the dating equivalent of Michael Jordan, but you get my drift.

Fourth, did you know that the A.C in A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell stands for: Albert Clifford? And that Goose’s full name from Top Gun is Nick Bradshaw?

Finally, have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year. In the omniscient words of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas,” I hope everyone “dons their gay apparel” and remembers to, “don’t go until you get some.” Be safe. Hug it out with your family members. And don’t forget to tell everyone you love, that you do in fact, love them.

I’ll be back on a regular writing schedule soon – so please stop by again soon!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Tantra Baby!

I was recently having an email debate with my friend, Beth, who is a big Sting fan. Yes, there are actually big Sting fans, or, at least one anyway. After I called Sting a pretentious guy who takes himself way too seriously; and every one of his songs since 1996 has pretty much sounded the same – Beth accused me of being jealous of his tantric abilities.

Whoa, whoa, whoa – am not!

I gotta be honest, I don’t want to have sex for five straight hours, or six, or seven, or however long Sting and other tantric-maniacs claim their sex lasts. I’m sorry. I don’t. I’m busy. I have things to get done. I don’t have the time, the attention span, or the desire to be bumping uglies for that long. I think from first kiss (or first “action”) initiating sex, to me finishing my sandwich, the elapsed-time should only be say … 2 hours … 2 hours and fifteen minutes … at most two and half hour - tops.

Sure there are going to be exceptions when it may last a lot longer than that (honeymoon, anniversaries, drunken nights), or a lot shorter than that (public sex, quickies, drunken nights, during a commercial break of the KU basketball game), but I’d say on average, 75 minutes is perfect for me. I am all about efficiency, and if both parties involved can leave totally satisfied within 75 minutes, why waste 5 hours? I have other stuff in life that needs my time and attention.

Now before all the women start emailing me, saying I’ll never get laid again, consider this:

How many things in life do you actually want to spend five consecutive hours doing?

I started to come-up with a list. Here is what I have so far …

- A Godfather Marathon
- Sleep
- A Soprano’s Marathon

That’s it.

As much as I love gambling, I don’t want to play blackjack for 5 straight hours unless I am on one helluva of a winning streak. Sporting events usually don’t last 5 hours. Reading for that amount of time eventually puts you to sleep. Meals don’t last that long. Heck, neither does church. Do you ever want to have a heart-to-heart conversation with a significant-other that lasts 300 minutes? (Women don’t answer that) And how many people would work less than 5 hours a day if given the choice? My point is, while sex is very special and I certainly want my partner to be totally satisfied, I don’t want to spend hour-upon-hour doing it. I love sex, but I love doing a lot of other things in life, too. Between 45 minutes and 2 hours is just about right.

Lets look at it this way. I am of the opinion that unless it’s an epic, movies shouldn’t never-ever reach the three hour mark. Same with sex. If you are telling the story of The Titanic or William Wallace, it’s understandable that you are going to need some time to do the film correctly. Just like if you are intimately commemorating something epic with your significant-other, you are going to need time to develop sub-plots, build tension, get in the right mood, work on character arcs, establish a good soundtrack, and so forth. But just like every movie isn’t a three-hour epic, every sex session shouldn’t be either. We all get antsy and our minds start to wander when a movie drags too long, same thing in the bedroom.

Maybe I am missing something crucial about this whole tantra-thing, but it seems to me that tantra, just like Sting, is overrated and long winded.

The Kansas Trip, Part 3 (and Final Chapter)

Driving into work this morning I was listening to CNN Headline News on my brand new XM Satellite Radio and caught the highlights of a recent George W. Bush press conference. Inspired by the intelligent back and forth between the ole’ commander and chief and the White House press corp, I decided to write Part 3 of the Kansas trip like a press conference …

Q: We all know that you, and the others who joined you on the trip, are notoriously responsible when it comes to drinking – did you take any precautions to make sure you didn’t drink and drive while you were in Kansas City.

A: Yes. Despite the fact our hotel was within a short drive of Westport, Kansas City, we took a cab both to and from the bars.

Q: What was your Kansas City cab experience like?

A: Good question. I accidentally left the digital camera in hotel room, so Ryan and I had to take a cab back to the hotel to get it. We made small talk with the cabbie and revealed that we were KU fans in town to watch the KU/Nebraska game on Saturday. While we ran into the hotel to retrieve the camera, our cab driver called his friend who is a fan of the University of Missouri – a KU rival. Upon our return, we had the following conversation:

CAB DRIVER: I was just on the phone with my friend who graduated from Missouri. I told him I had a couple of Jayhawk fans in my cab. He wanted to know if you guys ever get tired of asking, “Would you like fries with that?”

BILL: That’s really original. What does your friend do for a living?

CAB DRIVER: He drives a cab.

(This is the point in the story where Bill and Ryan try their hardest not to tear an oblique stomach muscle laughing)

BILL and RYAN (laughing and sarcastic): Ohhhhhhh, okay!

CAB DRIVER: There’s good money to be made in driving a cab, ya know. My friend just bought a Lincoln!

RYAN: Is it yellow?

Q: That obviously was the perfect comeback; but after clearly winning the good-natured teasing, did you fear for your life?

A: Despite the fact the cabbie got amazingly defensive and annoyed after Ryan’s zinger, and that we couldn’t stop laughing at him, we never thought he’d pull over and kill us. We give a lot of credit to the Kansas City cab companies for hiring pacifist Missouri fan sympathizers.

Q: How’s the diversity amongst the Kansas City cab drivers?

A: It’s great. At the end of the night, we got into a cab driven by a Muslim. Great guy. Bryn dazzled him with her knowledge of ritual fasting, which he very much respected. He was taken by Bryn and that a cute, blonde, American, Midwest girl would have such knowledge of his religion and its people. To show his appreciation, as we exited the cab, he proudly declared a jihad on Bryn’s vagina.

Q: Did you get ripped-off at all during the trip?

A: Yes. Isn’t it annoying and a total waste of money, when you put money into a juke-box and never hear your songs? I stuck in $5 and got like 15 songs – none of which I heard. Really irked me off. It’s like ordering original recipe chicken from KFC, only to get home and find out they gave you extra crispy. Very unsatisfying.

Q: Jasmine is known, the world over, for being … well … frankly, for being a wee-bit slutty at times. Did Jasmine do anything that would add to her legend?

A: I’ll let the historians decide what Jasmine’s legacy will be. I will say that on Friday night, Jasmine did excessively make-out with her Best in Show. For those of you who aren’t fans of dog shows (neither am I, by the way), the Best in Show is the best looking person you see at a bar. I was more than a little intoxicated at the time, so I can’t confirm if Jasmine and her Best in Show, had wandering hands, ran-off to the bathroom for a little afternoon delight (even though it was early morning), or repeatedly dry-humped on the dance floor; but all accounts so far point to Jasmine keeping her crotch to herself. I give Jasmine credit for showing restraint when kissing her Best in Show – it’s not easy to do.

Speaking of restraint and Jasmine, on our last night in Lawrence, she shattered the record for the fastest pick-up time; when she picked-up a not-21-year-old guy in about 1.653546223 seconds. The guy was just sitting there enjoying the night, when out of no where, Jasmine comes up and starts talking to him. The guy was so happy that he had the same look on his face that a 10-year old has after they ride Space Mountain for the first time. Later when he text-messaged Jasmine (or vice versa) and a hook-up was discussed, Jasmine defied all odds and stayed in our hotel room. I think the reason she said no was either 1) she didn’t want to have to deal with his parents 2) it would have been difficult to slip a big-headed, redhead past dorm security. But I don’t want to speculate.

Q: You mentioned earlier religious diversity; did you encounter any other religions on your trip?

A: As we were leaving the bars on Friday night, I was immediately stopped by a Christian women armed with a Bible. She firmly asked me if I knew that God, “Was against alcohol?” My response was, “Do you know what Jesus’ first miracle was?” The blank look on her face after I said that is not unlike the look someone gets when trying to read a foreign subway map. So I told her, “Jesus turned water into wine. I doubt Jesus is against alcohol when he chose to create it as his first miracle.” As amusing as that was, that first exchange is symbolic of the whole conversation we had with this woman and set the tone for the entire chat. Long story, short – Ryan and I blissfully debated Christianity with her for 20 minutes as we ordered hot dogs for the cab ride back to the hotel – we even drew a crowd!

I don’t have a problem with missionary work or people trying to spread the word of God (one of my best friends, Nicole, loves mission work), but a few things struck me about this encounter:

1) Waiting for drunk people outside of a bar probably isn’t the best venue for these discussions. Has anyone been totally plowed, about ready to take home their Best in Show for the night, had a brief chat with a Christian on the street corner, and said, “screw this, I am going to sober-up, send this ridiculously attractive person home by him/herself, and ask Jesus into my heart? I seriously doubt it (plus, debating a drunk person is an exhausting task in itself). If you are going to do mission work, why not spend your valuable time and energy working with the homeless, or with prostitutes, or with convicts, or with any other group that is going to yield a higher success rate and really give you a shot to influence someone’s life? Isn’t preaching to the drunk as they leave a bar/club, like me going to a KState or Missouri game, and trying to convince their fans to become Jayhawk fans as they leave the arena? Wouldn’t I have a better chance of getting someone to attend or support KU by going to high schools, junior colleges, employment agencies, or talking to people with no college experience? Of course I would.

2) If you are going to try to convert people on the street corner, be knowledgeable about your subject matter. I am sure this lady’s heart was in the right place, but she knew nothing about evolution, very little about what the Bible says on certain topics, i.e. – slavery (this lady was black, by the way), and not much about Christian history or philosophy. Not to mention, she had very poor speaking skills. Again, if I am trying to recruit someone to go to or support KU, I am not going to send out the students on academic probation to try to get people to embrace Jayhawk-anity.

Q: One of the reasons you guys took the trip when you did was so you could watch the Kansas Jayhawk vs. Nebraska Cornhusker football game. When was the last time the Jayhawks beat Nebraska in football?

A: The last time Kansas beat Nebraska in football was two months after the signing of the Declaration of Independence – James Madison was even at the game. We have black and white pictures hanging up in the student union of the future president waving his wheat after the game winning field goal.

Q: What was your impression of the Nebraska fans?

Well to be brutally honest, the traveling Cornhusker fans may be the most unattractive fan base in the United States today. I think on a per-tooth basis, their mouths have the fewest in the country. In fact, I’m sending a letter to ABC tomorrow, demanding they do an Extreme Makeover: Nebraska Students and Alumni.

I was also surprised by how quiet they were. I didn’t think 5,000 people at a sporting event could make so little noise. Maybe the fact the KU football team was beating them like it was basketball season had something to with their deafening silence … I’m not sure.

But they were very nice people for showing up.

Q: So for anyone who may have missed it, what was the final score of the game?

A: It was 247-3. Kansas!

Okay, I can’t lie, it was 104-15. Kansas. We would have scored 243 points if it wasn’t for that pesky 60 minute game rule they have in football.

Rock Chalk, Jayhawk!

Q: So Kansas ended their long losing streak to Nebraska … did any other streaks come to an end at the game?

A: Sadly yes. Bryn is one of the most coordinated people in world, not working for Cirque du Soleil. Bryn hasn’t accidentally spilt anything on anyone since she was a two-year old sitting in a high chair.

During halftime, she and Ryan went off to get some food from the concession stand and purchased a basket full of tacos. As she made her way through the people sitting in our row and to our seats, she somehow lost her balance and ended-up spraying tacos on at least four people plus Ryan. She had purchased three tacos and after the incident only one remained – that’s how bad the spill was. Taco sauce, lettuce, ground beef, taco shells and tomatoes, were launched everywhere. It seriously looked like someone tried to put out a fire using only taco ingredients.

Not only was Bryn nearly brought to tears by the embarrassment of hosing down a half-dozen Jayhawk fans with taco guts, but evidently the fans weren’t too pleased or sympathetic to her either - despite her repeated apologies. I guess I can’t really blame them though - I think we’d all be pretty upset if we were watching Kansas absolutely destroy one of the most storied football programs in college football history, and before we knew it, we were up to my waste in taco toppings, courtesy of some skinny blonde.

Poor Bryn.

Q: Getting back to the game itself, how did it feel to watch this ridiculously one-sided game, where the Jayhawks dominated from start to finish, and not only broke the spirit of the Cornhusker football team, but possibly even the entire state of Nebraska?

A: It was probably the greatest football game I’ve ever attended. We were on our feet, screaming at the top of our lungs, and clapping, for three straight hours. And thanks to the pathetic Nebraska football team, we waved our wheat so much that I thought I was developing a mild case of tennis elbow. Luckily we had a hot tub at the hotel, but I digress. Two of the best indicators of a really fun sporting event are 1) you lose your voice cheering 2) you get so excited, you joyfully high-five strangers – both of those things occurred at the KU/Nebraska game. And when Nebraska finally begged for mercy, like William Wallace screaming “FREEDOM!” at the end of Braveheart, we charged the field, we tore down the goalposts, we carried the goalposts out the stadium, and threw one of them in Potter Lake … so the victory felt pretty good.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes the state of Nebraska and the Cornhusker football team, years to recover from an ass-whooping like that. They may even need to seek-out professional psychological treatment – we’ll see.

I have time for one more question.

Q: Besides Bryn spilling half a Taco Bell restaurant on strangers and her boyfriend, any other memorable interactions occur between your group and Kansas fans?

A: The group of guys sitting right in front of us brought their own Jack and Coke to the game since Memorial Stadium is a dry facility. Actually, they brought their own Jack and poured it into a Coke they purchased at the game – yuck. Anyway, by the mid-third quarter, these barely 18-year olds were all drunk off their asses (a sign of inexperienced drinkers). On or about this time is when Kansas really started putting the screws to Nebraska and it was getting more and more apparent that a Kansas victory was looming.

Let the trash talking begin!

Like I said earlier, we were all very rowdy and talking crap about Nebraska, but these drunk idiots in front of us were making the stupidest declarations in the history of taunting and mocking. I was embarrassed these guys were rooting for Kansas. For about 20-30 minutes straight, this one drunk guy could only loudly scream the following three phrases:

“Go Home!”
“F*ck Nebraska!”
“It’s Over!”

I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I’m not – that is literally all this guy could say! And to make matters worse; he wasn’t funny and was trying really, really hard to jinx us. When you haven’t beaten a team since John Quincy Adams was a teenager, you really don’t want to tempt fate.

Since all four of us laughing at him and making fun of his bonehead, drunk chants wasn’t working in quieting him down, Jasmine decided to take matters into her own hand, or more accurately, her own mouth. Jasmine took a big sip of her Sprite and spit it onto the back of the idiot’s head and neck. She did it once, twice, three times a spitter. Not only did it shut him up and require him and his friends to move a few rows down, but somehow he also never figured out that it was Jasmine spitting on him! Great move on Jasmine’s part.

I’m not advocating spitting on drunk, obnoxious college freshman, but in this instance it was certainly justified. Our entire section of fans genuinely appreciated Jasmine’s crowd control creativity.

That’s all the time I have for questions. Goodbye and thank you for coming.

Kansas, Part Deux

I think the best way to start part 2 is to show a picture …



You know what this is? Next to the wheel, electricity, air conditioning and Las Vegas, it’s the greatest invention in the history of the world – The Holy Grail – 32 ounces of pure joy. The Holy Grail represents all that is good, right and moral in this country.

A few things you should know about Holy Grails:

1) They are actually called “Schooners.” However, we changed the name because after drinking one you feel that you just drank God’s water and you may actually have eternal life. Remember the smile on Indiana Jones’ face after he drinks from the real Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – it’s just like that, only 10 times better and with a buzz.

2) On Thursday night, Louise’s only charges $1.75 for a Holy Grail. Good God. In NYC they’d charge $11, in Denver they’d charge $8, in Kansas it’s $1.75 on Thursday or $3 on every other night. And you wonder why Jayhawks have such great school sprit and why we keep going back to Lawrence after we graduate.

3) Our current group record for Holy Grails consumed in one night is 3. For girls it’s 2. No one has ever attempted to drink 4, because after drinking 96 ounces of beer, you feel really full and bloated. No girl has drank 3 out of fear of liver implosion or death.

4) It is tradition to steal a Holy Grail. Once you do, the Holy Grail will look over you and keep you safe for the rest of your days. On the flip side, if you break a Grail or treat it with disrespect, a dark cloud will forever hover over you and you will have bad luck until the Jayhawks win the national championship. It’s a proven scientific fact - just ask our friends Julie and Nicole.

So after checking into the Springhill Suites, Marriott in downtown Lawrence and eating a very satisfying meal at the Mass St. Deli, we headed to Louise’s for the night. Jasmine and Bryn walked-in with purses the size of a medium-sized Asian man - two guesses on why they’d be carrying such large purses. If you are still stuck, see 4) above.

Anyway, during the course of the evening Ryan and I both put down three Holy Grails and felt pretty good about it, too. A solid, all-star performance on our part. Though the true superstars of the evening were the girls. Like a woman trying to seduce Nathan Lane, Bryn and Jasmine dared to go where no woman has ever gone before - and drank 3 Grails! Not only that, but Jasmine didn’t sleep with anyone and Bryn didn’t throw up all over Lawrence. Un-freakin’-believable.

Was it the altitude? Was it is the Pyramid Pizza afterwards? Or was it the unique and omniscient power of the Holy Grail that allowed Bryn and Jasmine to accomplish this Herculean-like task? I think it was the latter, but you be the judge.

After the girls indefinitely borrowed their Holy Grails from Louise’s, we made a run to the Red Lyon – another bar on the other side of the street. Like an Ethiopian at Thanksgiving dinner, we rapidly ate 9 baskets of popcorn and spread-out all over the bar. Bryn and Jasmine went over to talk with this borderline-cute guy. Here is their exchange:

Jasmine (drunk and cocky): I’m thirsty.

Random Guy (offended, yet gazing adoringly at Jasmine): Aren’t you with those two guys?

(Bryn giggling in the background)

Jasmine: They aren’t buying us drinks.

Random Guy: No, I can't. I’m super-gay!

Now we’ve all had to repel women who are only into us for the drinks, but I don’t think loudly screaming, “I’m super-gay,” is the best way of going about it. Be confident. Be indifferent. Be proud. Be logical. Be married. Don’t claim to be the gay-est guy this side of Val Kilmer in Top Gun, when you’re obviously not – it just invites jokes, ridicule, a loss of respect, and weird looks from your friends.

Friday

The first question I asked myself as I woke up Friday morning was, “how in the world did these two Kansas cheerleaders get into my bed?” The second and third questions were, “are Bryn and Jasmine still alive,” and “if so, are they useless for the rest of the trip?”

Strangely, Bryn and Jasmine were mostly fine. Ryan and I were interacting with Bryn and Jasmine like the crew in Alien after the face-hugger falls off that guy’s head and he’s acting normal as if nothing ever happened. We were all hungry and slightly dehydrated, but besides that, everyone was ready to take on the day. We kept waiting for an alien to burst out of Bryn and Jasmine’s chest, but it never did. You gotta love the power of the Holy Grail.

While visiting a souvenir store, a heavy-set gentleman in his 50s came up to the four of us and asked us if we worked there:

“Nope,” we said.

“You don’t?”

“No, we still don’t.”

“You don’t work here?”

“No!”

“Any of you work here?”

“No!”

(Visibly annoyed like we were lying) “I guess you guys don’t work here then.”

Just like I hate getting asked if my car belongs to me, I hate being asked if I work someplace just because I am young and smiling. It’s not like we were wearing red and khakis at Target, we were wearing regular clothes and weren’t wearing a name tag! Besides looking young, what else implied that we worked at this store?

A few stores later, that same guy came into a store we were already shopping in. As Ryan was paying for his souvenirs, Bryn and Jasmine went over to heckle the guy. As Bryn made polite, over-the-top insincere conversation (as he stared at Bryn’s rack), Jasmine jumped into the chat and asked him 8 times if he worked there. I’m-laughing-so-hard-I’m-crying-hilarious. The guy was such an idiot that he had no clue why Jasmine randomly kept asking him if he worked there, because he was soooo preoccupied in to telling Bryn all about himself. Every time Jasmine asked if he worked there, he’d repeat that he coached high school track and keep talking. So Jasmine would interrupt and retort with, “that’s great, but do you work HERE?” By the time we left, all four of us were openly making fun of him and even the store cashier was even getting into the laughter.

Switching gears a bit - Don’t you love those people in your life that no matter how much time has passed, or no matter how much has changed in your lives, when you encounter that person again, it’s as if almost no time has passed at all and you talk like you just spoke yesterday. Those types of connections are really special. Sometimes they are with old high school friends. Sometimes it’s with a family member you don’t see very often. Sometimes it’s with someone that for whatever reason you share a bond.

In my case, it was with someone I had dated, lived with, and loved, when I was a senior at KU. I hadn’t really spoken to her in over five years - sure we exchanged the occasional informative and polite email over the years, and even swapped pleasantries at a wedding we both attended, but for about 1,246 reasons, we hadn’t really spoken since we broke-up and I moved away from Kansas 5+ years ago. She’s married with kids now so I don’t have any steamy stories for you, but I will say it was great spending a short amount of time with her.
She called me after we just got done walking around the Greatest College Campus Ever Conceived by Man and were just about to head to Kansas City for the night. I ended-up seeing her for about an hour and a half total on two separate occasions, but it was amazing to me how we were able to joke around, ask about each other’s families, reminisce about the past, and catch-up, as if I just saw her last month. I even recognized her trademark laugh, which I thought I had long since forgotten.

I have no idea if I’ll ever see or talk to this person again. But just like not getting a speeding ticket in Western Kansas, Jasmine and Bryn not having an alien launch out of their chests after drinking three Holy Grails, and the gas prices in Kansas ($2.35 a gallon for premium unleaded), spending time with this person was one the pleasant surprises of the trip.

The Final Chapter in the Kansas Saga Coming Soon!

Kansas, Part I – The Road Trip

Like chopsticks and baseball, Americans have a romantic attachment to road trips. Is it the seedy truck stops where you wonder if the people who work there actually know what year it is and who is president? Is it the junk food? Is it that neat feeling of watching a “Welcome to …” sign come and go out of your window? Is it the borderline cheesy, yet strangely effective, games you play to pass the time? Is it the camaraderie that comes with spending hour upon hour stuck in a car? Is it the rest areas? The billboards? The tumbleweed? I don’t have any answers for you – but all I can say is I do love road trips. And on 8 a.m. on Thursday morning, we began our 8 hour road trip to Lawrence, Kansas. Here is what transpired …

Before we get started, let me introduce the starting line-up. Joining me on this journey is:

He’s a 6’2, cerebral, senior web developer, hailing from the proud state of Oregon. His hobbies include Vodka Tonics, blondes, spiking his hair, successfully wearing wristbands, giving girls wedgies, taking awesome photographs, techno dancing, and becoming a world champion heckler when he’s drunk. This is Ryan!

Weighing in at a Nicole Ritchie-like 100 pounds, she’s an overly efficient and productive American Eagle manager, and future nurse. She has a knack for being able to imitate anyone’s dancing style, hates the state of Iowa, and has an affinity for snorting. She is graceful at all times and is never, ever clumsy. She currently holds the North American record for the longest period of time of never accidentally spilling anything on anybody. Let me introduce Ryan’s girlfriend and a friend of ours, Bryn!

And last, but certainly not least. She is a fireball redhead who is currently on a mission to have all red-headed slut shots renamed to “Jasmine.” She’s a successful, big-headed, yet humble marketing director originating from Cornhusker country, aka – Nebraska. She is a recent addition to the professional improv world and is so loud that even a microphone cannot duplicate the volume of her voice. I give you our friend and fellow blogger, Jasmine!

Onto the trip …

- As Ryan and I are locking-up the house and preparing to set the alarm, Ryan and I have the following exchange:

Ryan: Is there anything we should turn-off before we go?

Bill: Yeah, Jasmine.

- As Kip Dynamite would sing, “I love technology …” We are joined on this trip by XM Satellite Radio and Ryan’s laptop capable of playing DVDs. For a moment I almost feel sorry for Lewis and Clark, and all those other people who have had to endure a cross-country trip without the luxuries of modern technology. Unfortunately, my moment of sorrow and reflection is interrupted by the 20th Century Fox theme blaring through my speakers as the first movie starts playing. Oh-well.

- First stop of the trip is in beautiful Limon, Colorado. For those of you who have never been, Limon is beautiful this time of year. If you have a spare 10 minutes, I highly recommend visiting one of their clean restrooms and hospitable fast-food establishments. Let me put it this way, Limon is the Hays, Kansas of Colorado.

Anyway, we didn’t eat breakfast prior to leaving so we patronize the Limon McDonalds. Two things to ponder about McDonalds. One, why are all their Chicken McNuggets shaped like the state of Louisiana? And two, why is their Coke two-hundred times better than anyone else’s? Seriously, it’s like soda heroin … except it doesn’t alienate your family, dominate your life, and cost you your job … but besides that, they are very similar.

- Anyone who has driven on I-70 between Limon and the Kansas state line can’t help but notice the “giant” tower in Genoa, Colorado called, Tower Museum - where they claim from the top you can, “View 6 States!” I’ve always been highly skeptical of this assertion because from the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago you can only see 4 states, and the Genoa Tower is about 1,000 feet shorter - so when you think about it, what six states can you actually see? Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming, Oklahoma, New Mexico, would be my guess - but even that’s a stretch.

As it turns out, back in the day, the Tower was once a fairly popular tourist attraction because of this claim which is in fact, a giant hoax. Colorado is the only state visible from the top, but before I-70 was constructed and overnight stays in small towns were more of a necessity, the Tower was a top tourist draw in no small part because of the 6-state claim. Most guests didn’t do the research, or more likely didn’t care, so no one ever really called-out the owners of the Tower about their deceptive claim. Maybe it’s karma because the place is pretty run-down now. I think more people visit the World’s Largest Prairie Dog and 5-Legged Steer in Oakley, Kansas than the Tower Museum. Ouch.

(By the way, the World’s Largest Prairie Dog is a hoax, too – it’s a wooden statue)

- After having an entertaining and windy photo session at the Kansas state line, where I am pretty sure Bryn and Jasmine simultaneously freaked-out and turned-on about two dozen truckers, by running around trying to catch tumbleweed, we stopped in Colby, Kansas to refill the car, buy some snacks, and get glared at by the locals.

Now Colby is one of those towns that only has one movie theatre, with only one screen, and shows only two movies. Well a few years back, Ryan and I stopped in Colby to pick-up some Sonic, which is adjacent to their movie theatre. And the way they listed what movies were playing was really funny. Their movie sign read:

NOW PLAYING
Hannibal The Mexican

Freakin’ hilarious. It’s obvious what two movies they were advertising, but can you imagine that movie …

“Hola Clarice. Come Estas? Me gusta fava-beans y bueno Chianti.”

- Not long after Colby, at a cruising speed of 82 miles per hour (in a 70) and right in the middle of The Interpreter starring Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn, I look in my rear view mirror and see a police car on the other side of the highway suddenly make a U-turn. Mother fu*&^*er! Who doesn’t know what that sinking feeling feels like? – knowing a cop just turned around because of you. In an act of desperation, I quickly exit at the town I just happen to be passing at the time, and hope I can lose him on the exit ramp. Shit, still behind me and gaining quickly. I make a swift right turn into the gas station and rapidly park the car.

Nope, didn’t work. He’s parked right behind me. The State Trooper knocks on my window and immediately asks if this is my car - and he asks in a way that somehow suggests that it’s unusual for a car full of 20-somethings to be driving a Lexus – that ageism stuff really bugs me. Of course he queries me if everything is current on my license (which it isn’t, my address is wrong) and disappears to his vehicle for what seemed to be the next 47 minutes. Yep, I am getting a ticket. In the meantime, a handful of people take pleasure in watching me get a ticket in a gas station parking lot. Go ahead – point, laugh, take your best shot, assholes. I don’t need to do anything but sit here and smile - my good friend Mr. Karma will take care of the rest. And, as it miraculously turns out, he does. I get a warning! No ticket! As Jasmine would loudly declare, “YIPPEE!” I love Mr. Karma. This has to be a good sign for things to come.

These events do beg the question though, after escaping a speeding ticket, do you: test fate and continue speeding? Or, do you take the State Troopers advice and slow down a bit?

Inspired by the near-ticket experience, we all hop out of the car and drop about $30 in snacks at the gas station store. One hour and 77 miles later, Ryan would claim that he can actually hear us getting fatter, as we joyfully consume: Funyons, Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers, some sort of assorted snack mix, chips, donut-holes, soda and candy bars. We eat so much that I think Bryn may have actually gained some weight … nah! Eating like crap is definitely one of the best parts of a road trip.

- Just passed a billboard that read, “Bill, Bored?” Wow. That was the single most personalized signage I have ever encountered. I feel giddy.

- Don’t you hate it when you’re peacefully driving along and all of a sudden a loud HONK! blares at you – only for you to realize it’s the radio (or in our case the DVD player). It scares you just enough to get you mildly annoyed and to get your heartbeat going a little quicker.

- About halfway through Kansas I have seen signs for Dorothy’s house, Oz, the Oz Museum, an Oz theme park, a store where you can pet a stuffed Toto, and a place where you can try on a replica pair of Dorothy’s slippers. Okay, I made-up those last couple of things, but if Kansans ever want to stop having to endure the hundreds of unoriginal and tired Wizard of Oz jokes, you have to stop taking so much damn pride in that movie! It’s ridiculous, the movie came out in 1939! I’m tired of people telling me, “I’m not in Kansas anymore.” It almost like Kansans believe the movie is based off of a true story – sort of like how they teach creationism in science class.

I’ve never been to Morocco, but I seriously doubt the country is building a Casablanca Theme Park and Museum, where you can try on Humphrey Bogart’s hat and trench coat, and play Sam’s piano. Get over the Wizard of Oz, Kansas! Please.

- Two things I’ll never understand.

1) Why, if you are sleeping in a car, do you suddenly wake-up when the car comes to a complete stop?

2) Why, when slowing down or looking for a place to get gas and/or eat, do you need to substantially turn the volume down on the radio?

While we are here, another question I have is … When a small town purchases a billboard and proudly advertises their city by using the following slogans:

“History, Diversity, Fun for the Family – Visit Beautiful WaKeeney, Kansas!”

“A History of Hope, Heroes, and Hospitality – Abilene, Kansas!”

“Russell, Kansas – Where the Past, Present and Future Meet!”

“Colby, Kansas – The Oasis on the Plains”

Do the townspeople honestly expect people to go ...

“Wow, Russell seems great! Hey honey, evidently we overlooked Russell in our vacation planning. Screw Kansas City, let’s take the family to Russell and tour their Indian Relics and Great Plains Museum! This is great! The kids will love it. I can’t believe we never thought of vacationing here before!”

Seriously, have you ever stopped at a small, Midwest town off the side of I-70 for any other reason except to: use the bathroom, buy gas, eat a meal, buy snacks, stay one night at a hotel, or buy something for your car? I really want to know, do those cheesy ad campaigns really work on anyone? And if so, I really want to meet those people!

- After getting some gas we encounter this awkwardly phrased sign:

I love it! I am definitely hanging my souvenir chicken fajita on the wall when I get back to Denver.

- At mile-marker 313, we are told by a billboard that, “One Kansas farmer feeds 128 people plus myself.” Good to know. Exit 313 is also the exit for Manhattan, Kansas, home of the Kansas State Wildcats. If I was a betting man, I’d bet that most Kansas farmers have spent at least 6 years in Manhattan earning their bachelors degree.

- I am continually frustrated by those public restrooms that are just big enough to be used by multiple people, yet don’t contain a divider between the urinal and the toilet. Every guy out there knows exactly what I am talking about. Are they honestly expecting us to use the stall without a divider? I really hope not. Yet it always strange locking the door to some giant bathroom that seems destined to be used by multiple people.

- And the winner of the Most Random Bumper Sticker Award goes to:

“Circumcision is not a parent’s right!”

Okay??? I try to stay up on the news, but is this even an issue? Is there a large anti-circumcision movement under way in this country that I am not aware of? Strangely a woman was driving the car, but is there a group of bitter men walking around demanding foreskin?

- I know I just referenced a woman driver, but has anyone else noticed that traveling in this country is a giant sausage-fest? Last month I flew to Cincinnati for the weekend and the airplane was 80% male. Every time I walk through an airport, it’s lined with men. Over 90% of the cars I passed on I-70 were comprised of all guys. Traveling in America is like going to bad bar on a ladies night – a bunch of cheesy guys standing around checking-out and drooling-over every woman they come across. Not good. A couple of the people we encountered in our travels reacted to Bryn and Jasmine like Tom Cruise telling Oprah about Katie Holmes. I’m not kidding, it was weird.

I know women travel – I’ve hung out with women in different cities and states – but how in the world do they get to their final destination? Do they take buses? Trains? Chartered planes? Maybe some other mode of transportation I don’t even know about? Baffling.

- I love the phenomenon that occurs after you’ve been driving 75+ MPH for 8 hours, and you’re suddenly thrown onto a road where every one is driving 40 MPH, and the cars seem to be moving in slow motion. That’s always fun. I love bobbing-n-weaving in and out of traffic, like the way we used to play those racing games on Nintendo.

- So around 5:45 central time, we arrive in Lawrence in very good spirits. Thanks to the movies, the trip went pretty quickly and besides needing to brush our teeth really, really badly, everyone’s bodies are in good shape and still have their full mental faculties.

In the next posting …

Will Jasmine talk to her Best-In-Show? Will Bryn spill a Mexican snack on a stranger? Will Kansas end their 261 year losing streak to Nebraska? Will Ryan be fooled by a deceptive lollypop wrapper? Will I get a visit from an unexpected person? All these questions and more will be answered in Part II of the Kansas trip - coming soon!

On the Road Again

“So to take a picture, the camera has to be on …”

- Our friend Julie, explaining what she has recently learned about digital cameras.

So my vacation schedule over the last year or so closely resembles a Super Bowl schedule. I seem to be rotating through a few choice cities instead of visiting the entire U.S. Like the Super Bowls always seem to be held in either New Orleans, Miami and San Diego (which in German of course means whale’s vagina) – I find myself constantly in Vegas, Chicago or Kansas.

That means it’s Super Bowl time. It’s time for a road trip to Lawrence, Kansas!

On Thursday, Ryan (my best friend and roommate), Bryn (Ryan’s girlfriend), Jasmine (a friend of ours), and I will be making the thrilling 8-hour drive across I-70 to visit my alma mater, the University of Kansas. The plan is to hit Lawrence on Thursday night, spend Friday in Kansas City - gambling, checking out the town, eating, drinking, etc., returning back to Lawrence on Saturday for the Kansas/Nebraska football game, and then heading home to Denver on Sunday.

As I continue to polish my travel writing skills in preparation for my dream job at a travel magazine (and of course the subsequent Pulitzer Prize), I will be keeping a running journal of the trips’ events and posting them when I return. You won’t want to miss it.

Before that though, there are a few things you should know about Kansas trips:

- It’s really, really cheap

One of the reasons we go to Lawrence so often is because it only takes 2 ½ tanks of gas to get there, the hotel split 4 ways for 3 nights is very reasonable, the food is inexpensive (for example, $4.75 for a personal pan pizza and a coke at a ridiculously good pizza place called “Pizza Shuttle”) and you can get drunk on $15-20 a night – I’m not exaggerating. It’s like visiting Vegas during the 70’s.

- A lot of drinking takes place

What do you get when you take 4 fun people from one mile above sea level, bring them down to sea level, stick them in a college town, give them really cheap alcohol prices, and throw-in a rowdy 20-something crowd and an exciting sports atmosphere? The perfect equation for three straight nights of drinking and debauchery. I don’t have any stats to back this up, but we may actually drink more, per ounce, during a Kansas trip than a Vegas trip. Yikes.

- I have the greatest friends in the world, in no small part because they have all embraced the Jayhawks

Usually Kansas trips are planned around 1) home basketball games 2) huge basketball games on TV, in which there is no better place to watch the game other than a Lawrence bar 3) a home football game. Jayhawk sporting events are usually a good time all around and despite the fact none of my friends went to KU, they all pretty much root and support the Jayhawks as much as any student or alumni - so a Lawrence trip is sort of a rite of passage. Which, speaking of …

- I am worried about Bryn and Jasmine

This will be Bryn and Jasmine’s first trip to Lawrence. Judging by Bryn’s drinking performance on her birthday, and Jasmine’s drinking exhibition at the Katrina Drink-a-thon, this could be a rough 4 days/3 nights for those two young ladies - and for different reasons:

In Jasmine’s case; she has a serious weak spot for the boys, which only gets worse (or better if you are on the receiving end of her, um, generosity) when she drinks. If you don’t believe me, scan the archives of her blog for her testimonials. As I stated before, we will be drinking a ton and Lawrence has an ample supply of frat guys, punk rock guys, and guys in clever t-shirts – pretty much Jasmine’s entire target audience. At this point in Jasmine’s dating career, I wouldn’t be surprised by anything that happens. She could have: a sophomore, a junior, and a senior; a blond, a redhead, and a brunette; a guard, a forward, and an assistant head coach; a professor, the mayor, and the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, on consecutive nights and I wouldn’t be fazed.

In Bryn’s case; she weighs like 90 pounds and will be drinking her weight in ounces of beer - think about how profound that is for a second. On Saturday night, in just an hour and a half, Bryn drank enough that caused her to puke all over the side of her red Ford Focus and be a waste of space the next day. In an hour and a half! What is going to happen when she needs to do that for 4 or 5 hours straight for three consecutive nights? Will she do her best Frank the Tank impression from Old School and go streaking? Will she sing the classic “You Turn Me On” song from Leaving Las Vegas? Who knows? If you have a moment, please send your thoughts and prayers, c/o Bryn, to the deity of your choice.

Remember the scene in Airplane!, when the flight attendant is asking the passengers over the intercom if there is a doctor on board, at the same time the bodies of the pilot and co-pilot are being dragged down the aisle of the plane, as the passengers look-on in horror. Well, by the end of the weekend, there is a very good possibility that Ryan and I could be requesting a doctor, while dragging Bryn and Jasmine’s bodies out of the state of Kansas, as a bunch of terrified farmers look-on in horror.

Stay tuned to find out.

Pride and Prejudice

What a week! Let’s recap some of the major news stories …

- A WNBA star (if there is such a thing) comes out of the closet admitting she’s gay.

- United States Air Force Academy head football coach Fisher DeBerry reveals that he thinks black athletes can run faster than white athletes.

- Mr. Sulu from Star Trek admits he’s gay.

- On the heels of making is groundbreaking Rocky 6 announcement, 59-year old Sylvester Stallone reveals he’s making a Rambo IV.

Good god. This is one of those situations where there are so many jokes to be made that you don’t know where to begin – like when someone trips and falls right in front of you at the mall.

Do I need really need to say anything like:

Is anyone really all that surprised that a professional women’s basketball player is gay? The next thing you know we might actually find out that there are gay women golfers, bowlers and softball players.

I don’t want to play the race card, but can anyone remember the last time a white guy won a marathon, won the slam dunk contest in the NBA, led the NFL in rushing, led the NFL in receiving, or broke the world record in the 100-meter dash? I’m not saying Coach DeBerry is right, but just something to think about …

So a guy who joins an academy (Starfleet), wears a tight jump suit, works on a ship filled with men, is thin and nicely dressed, turns out to be a homosexual -you’ve got to be kidding me?! I’m appalled! Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me there are gays in the US military.

What do you think we’ll see first, a Cliffhanger 2, a Demolition Man II, a Judge Dredd prequel, or Sylvester Stallone pulling a tour of duty on the Surreal Life?

Unfortunately, despite all these great lighthearted news stories, I have to admit I am a little upset about the comments Fisher DeBerry made. Regardless of if he is right or wrong, I am tired of all the discrimination. All the stereotypes. All the bias that exist in this country. In fact, I am so upset that I want to vent about some discrimination that goes mostly unnoticed (or as my boss would say, “flies under the radar”) throughout most of America. And to make this discrimination worse, it is perpetuated in movies, television, and even our art - and yet no one says a word.

What am I talking about, you ask? I am talking about the fact that interstates do not get equal treatment when compared to 2-lane highways.

Let me ask you a few questions:

When was the last time a major interstate was the subject of a painting or an artsy black and white picture?

When was the last time, in a movie, a character had an “A-HA!” moment doing 85 down a turnpike?

When was the last time anyone on television used a highway before a major event or conflict occurred?

Think about it. The answer to all of these questions is: It never happens!

Somewhere down the road (pun intended), artists fell in love with cozy two-lane highways, instead of the sprawling four-lane interstate. Or did they? Maybe they didn’t fall in love. Maybe in reality, they are all just prejudice towards interstates …

Sure interstates don’t have the “lived-in” look because they are re-paved every summer (or at least it seems given the amount of times I get stuck behind 18-wheelers driving 37 MPH through a construction zone) and the hotels that line the interstate are often brand new Comfort, Days, Sleep or Holiday Inns - but just because something is newer, cleaner, fresher, doesn’t mean a jeans model can’t be sexy or a character can’t have an epiphany, sitting in a Holidome. I think the lack of fair treatment towards interstates is obviously a product of ageism – with the old 2-lanes getting all the screen time and attention.

I can’t remember the last time anyone I know stayed at an unknown, rundown motel a few miles outside of town - yet Hollywood (especially location scouts) continues to show us characters doing it. Why? I think the only logical conclusion is that it’s blatant discrimination and preferential treatment. Are you telling me the movie Identity couldn’t have taken place at a Comfort Inn and Suites? Who, in their right mind would choose a seedy, Jack’s All Night Inn over a Holiday Inn Express?

Or maybe “those weirdoes in Hollywood” have something against brand new 30-pump gas stations often found on the side of interstates, because they are anti-Bush and are boycotting all the oil companies - and because of that, they prefer to only film and photograph the stations that offer 4 pumps, and were built in 1963 when Kennedy (a democrat) was president. Is there something more aesthetically pleasing about a pump that has scrolling numbers, like a slot machine, as opposed to a digital readout? I don’t think so. It seems fairly obvious to me that Hollywood is taking its political agenda out on the interstates.

Nicole Ritchie. Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. What do all of these girls have in common? They are all skinny … kinda of like two-lane highways. Filmmakers and artist are taking their obsession and preferences towards the thin, and applying them towards highways. Why else would you not show an interstate? They are wider, faster, safer and often times more direct. Yet they don’t appear on any movie posters. They don’t make the cover of Life Magazine. There aren’t calendars showing the 12 prettiest interstates in America. The Travel Channel doesn’t have specials about the most charming interstates to travel during the Fall. You know why? It’s because they think we prefer to see long and skinny highways, as opposed to the more true-to-life and “fatter” interstates

I have a dream that the one day, I’ll walk into a Prints Plus and buy a poster of a picturesque couple kissing in front Flying J Travel Plaza, as opposed to bland, white Shell station circa 1971. I have a dream that one day I’ll go to a movie starring Tom Hanks, and after being lost at sea for 4 years, he’ll return a FedEx package to someone who lives off of I-70 at exit 254; instead of at some random intersection in the middle of no where, where no one remotely attractive (or under the age of 60) would actually live. I have a dream of watching a TV murder mystery unfold at a newly remodeled Days Inn. I have a dream of sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, staring up a Norman Rockwell-like painting of the Jersey Turnpike. I have a dream that one day interstates will finally receive the fair and equal treatment they deserve.

Happy Halloween and have a safe weekend!

Career Goal Tending

“We don't have a lot of time on this earth. We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings weren't meant to sit in little cubicles, starring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.”

- Peter Gibbons, Office Space

Not to sound vain, but I feel that I have accomplished a lot in my career considering I haven’t even turned 30 yet. And while I have worked hard to earn those achievements, I can’t help but feel lucky and humble for what I have. I see so many people stumble and bumble around in their career, never earning more that 32k a year and never striving for anything better, that it just makes me feel so grateful that my parents instilled me with a strong work ethic and provided me with their intelligence genes. I have been blessed with so much, and worked very hard to get the rest, that I can’t help but feel guilty when I feel dissatisfied about my career situation.

Not to sound like Sarah Jessica Parker typing on her laptop in Sex in the City, “but does anyone still dream of their dream job?”

I’m not complaining, really I’m not. I like my job, the company I work for, and most of the people I work with. I am very thankful for having a job that gives me enough income to support my lifestyle; and that it provides me with health insurance and retirement benefits, all the other perks that come along with working for a medium-sized corporation. But I don’t jump out to bed, rub my hands together, smile at myself in the bathroom mirror and say, “I can’t wait to go to work today.”

If you need a visual of what I am talking about, envision Annette Bening in American Beauty while she’s getting ready to show a home she just put up for sale - “I will sell this house today. I will SELL THIS HOUSE TODAY. I WILL SELL THIS HOUSE TODAY!!!”

Fairly regularly I find myself wondering how many people actually love their job. Is it a fairy tale notion to expect total and complete job happiness? Does the fact that you are at one place, doing a certain job 40+ hours a week, 52 weeks a year, year upon year until you retire, make it a logistical impossibility to suggest you’ll be happy most of the time you are doing that job?

Getting back to American Beauty for a second; one of the reasons that movie is so freaking, ridiculously, damn good, is because Lester makes a cathartic (and entertaining) journey from being a sedated, unhappy, corporate drone, to an inspired, reenergized drive-thru window employee at Mr. Smiley’s. When we first meet Lester, he painfully has to will himself out of bed. And while the movie never shows Lester in the morning after he takes the Mr. Smiley’s job, I can’t help but think Lester enjoys going to that job much more than he enjoyed heading down Media Monthly Magazine, where he had spent the previous 14 years of his life. Lester’s $65,000 a year job, his benefit package, his impressive job title at a formidable publication, did not bring him happiness. It was a job at a Hardee’s-look-a-like that finally brought him that. Well, that and a high school cheerleader … but I digress. (The true meaning of Angela’s and Lester’s relationship is a posting for another time)

So does that mean I should quit my job and apply at Sonic to find my “dream job”? Probably not. But it does make me wonder if I’d take $10,000 or $15,000 less to work at a job that I genuinely look forward to everyday. I’ve often made fun of those ski bums who surround their whole life in snow – they teach ski school, work the chairlifts, hang out in lodges, ski the back bowls, subscribe to Powder Magazine, etc. But maybe instead of poking fun at their perceived slacker attitude, I should be envious that they have found something they truly enjoy doing and can make a living (albeit a modest one) at.

The problem in doing what Lester Burnham did, and what Peter Gibbons did, and what ski bums do, is that there isn’t a future at Mr. Smiley’s, working construction, or giving private ski lessons to Texan tourists. You can’t provide for your family working fast-food. You can’t work on a construction site until you’re 65 and expect to be reasonably healthy. You can’t save money for retirement, or for your kids’ education, or get health insurance, working winters at Vail.

So I struggle. Where is the line between career success and having a future for you and your family, and finding a job/career that will bring you happiness the rest of your life? Do you trade one for the other? How realistic is it to have both? Are those people who are often envied: movie starts, athletes, persons in the media, politicians, CEOs, novelists, etc., happy with their careers everyday? Or do they have the same complaints and frustrations as I do? Does a quarterback look at a football field the same way I look over a sea of gray cubicles at my office?

In The Soprano’s, a one-legged Russian immigrant tells Tony that Americans are spoiled and that they think they deserve happiness; while the rest of the world expects to be unhappy. Maybe that’s true. Maybe I am just another spoiled American who can’t appreciate what I have, when so many people in the world are starving, or working in sweat-shops, or are unemployed, or work in factories. Maybe I should just shut-up and be happy with my white collar job, even though I don’t jump out of bed every morning with overflowing enthusiasm.

Perhaps dream jobs are like dream cars, dream dates, dream houses – perfect in your imagination, but ultimately much different in reality. But America was built on dreams. And maybe the reason America continues to prosper is because while we might expect to be happy, we also work very hard to obtain it. We don’t settle. We don’t leave well enough alone. We aren’t satisfied with the status-quo. We aren’t complacent. We strive to find something better.

So I am left with muddled conclusions. How do I measure my career success, progress, satisfaction? Do I evaluate it based on my job title? By the number of people I manage? By my annual salary? By my happiness with my job? By the size of my house? By the car I drive? By the contributions and differences I make within my profession? Are Lester Burnham, Peter Gibbons and all those ski bums in Summit County, successes or failures? Are the old sayings, “you have to do something for love before you can do it for money.” and “if you do something you love, the money will follow,” accurate commentary about life, or just wishful thinking?

State-ing My Case

It’s time to tackle a classic debate.

It’s right up there with evolution verses creationism, Coke verses Pepsi, Seinfeld verses Cheers, The Godfather verses The Godfather, Part II, Lennon verses McCartney and are there any circumstances that you would let a good friend date Tara Reid.

The debate is: What constitutes visiting a state?

Sounds like a pretty white bread topic right? Nope. Many hours have been spent debating the exact terms and conditions that apply when evaluating whether you have actually “been” or visited a certain place. So today, I hope to lay-out some strict criteria that will once and for all end this discussion - so we can move on to debate other topics like; whose career has been more of a success, Colin Ferrell or Freddie Prinze, Jr.?


#1 – An airport layover or connection does not count.

I have been to Atlanta’s Hartsfield Airport about a half-dozen times but I have never been to Georgia. Why? Because walking or taking an airport train from Gate C45 to Gate A19, hitting the restroom, grabbing McDonalds, succumbing to Cinnabon, nabbing this weeks People Magazine, and dodging Southern belles along the way, does not mean you just got a taste of life in Atlanta.

(You have to be brought to tears from the humidity, hear the phrase “ya’all” or “ya’awls” 23 times, fear for you life at least once, go to a poorly attended sporting event and wonder aloud if certain Georgians still believe the Civil War is going on, to qualify for that.)

At the bare minimum you have to leave the confines of the airport to even enter into the discussion that you’ve been somewhere … and staying at the airport Hilton doesn’t count either.

#2 – If you are driving, you must cross-section the state.

There’s no real reason to go to Nebraska unless 1) you have family living there 2) have an affinity towards the University of Nebraska 3) plan on being a farmer someday 4) want to see where they filmed Election 5) driving through to get some place much more desirable. Other than that, there are no logical or emotional reasons to step foot in that state.

Now Nebraska is a large state, so it takes several hours to get to the next place, regardless of what direction you are pointed. And believe me, the time it will take you to drive through Nebraska is more than enough time to get a feel for the state and its people. Besides, asking someone to spend the night and sightsee in Nebraska is like asking someone to watch a Golden Girls marathon - so I’m not going to demand anyone do that unless they really want to. For the rest of us, driving entirely through a state qualifies as visiting a state.

By the way, the reason I say you must cross-section the state is because otherwise people would be driving 10 minutes into North Dakota, turning around and saying, “%uck this, I’m going home.” Sorry, you need to spend some time in the state - and driving through a state is usually is enough time to have that experience, regardless of its size.

Without the cross-section rule, no one would ever claim to have visited: Nebraska, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Iowa, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia, Delaware or Rhode Island.

#3 – If you are not driving through a state, you must spend the night.

If you are spending the night somewhere, more than likely you are eating a meal, traveling at least a little bit around the city/state, and verifying that their Best Buys, Chili’s and Old Navy’s look exactly the same as yours back home - so I think that counts as a visit.

On a side note, don’t you hate it when you are sleeping in a hotel room and around 5 a.m. housekeeping comes banging on your door because you forgot to hang the “do not disturb” sign on the door handle. You hope that if try to sleep through the incessant pounding that hopefully they’ll just move on and let you keep sleeping. Of course they don’t, and they open the door and at which time you either hear a large crash from the quasi chain lock preventing their entry, or you angrily scream at them that you’re “still in here!”

I also hate it when I can hear housekeeping knocking on doors and saying “housekeeping,” a couple of rooms down from mine, and I know I didn’t hang the “do not disturb” on the door, yet I am too lazy to get up and put it on the handle before they arrive at my door – that’s a weird feeling of impending doom.

#4 – If you don’t spend the night or cross-section the state, you must spend the day there and see some of the local sites.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

If you are visiting or live in Kansas, and drive to Missouri to spend the day in Kansas City shopping, eating barbeque, going to a Chiefs’ game, dropping $150 at the blackjack tables at Harrah’s, and arguing with someone about why Kemper Arena doesn’t allow alcohol - then you can add the Show-Me State to your list of states visited.

If your family forces you to drive 30 miles into Wisconsin to spend 5 hours with your 3rd Aunt, twice removed, whom you have never met before; and you spend the day watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of Matlock on a brown suede couch, staring at a hunting rifle that was mounted behind the TV, while the rest of my family sat in the kitchen reminiscing about the weather - then that doesn’t count as a visiting Wisconsin.

And finally, if you drive to Maine to spend the day eating as much lobster as you can, while taking pictures of lighthouses, and squeezing in as many Shawshank Redemption jokes and references as possible, within an 8 hour timeframe - then you can say you have been to Maine. I mean really, besides those three things what else there to do in Maine?

#5 – You must be 18 or older at time of visit.

What did we know about anything before were 18?

Just like ex-girlfriends/boyfriends don’t count before 18, neither does visiting a state. Now that I think about it, a lot of the same philosophies and reasons for pre-18 ex’s not counting, are the same for visiting a state before you turn 18 …You know, I could describe what I am talking about, but I would rather you use your imagination.


Anyway, that’s it. Those are the 5 criterion that need to be considered when analyzing whether or not you have visited a certain place. So how many states have you visited?
In closing, I want to suggest a related and interesting conversation topic that I have had with my friends on a few occasions:

(EARMUFFS for any minors and/or adults who fear they cannot handle adult subject matter)

How many states have you had sex in?

Great conversation. One word of advice though, don’t have the conversation in the presence of a current girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse that has hard time hearing about stuff like that. They may start to work the numbers in their head, and the conversation might end very badly for you. Just a warning.

Click here for a map of the U.S. so it's easier for you to count - and please post a comment with your final number. (If you are worried, you can post anonymously)

Chatting with Bill Self

Not to sound like the creepy phone voice from The Ring, but 27 days. 27 days. 27 days until the start of the University of Kansas basketball season. Granted on November 9th it’s an exhibition game against Ft. Hays State – a school in a town known more for its reasonably priced and conveniently located hotels, clean restrooms, vast fast-food choices, and a mall that is cleverly called “The Mall” (seriously, that is what they call their mall in Hays), than college basketball, but nonetheless – it marks the start of another season of exciting Jayhawk basketball.

(Quick side note: it bugs the hell out of me that Jayhawk isn’t in the Microsoft Word dictionary and comes-up as a misspelled word every time I type it. I’ve added it like 14 times to the dictionary and it still pops as being incorrectly spelled! Argh!

Strangely, Wildcat, Gamecock, Buckeye, Aggie and Orangemen are in the dictionary, but Tarheel is not.)

Anyway, KU coach Bill Self hosted an online chat yesterday and my question was answered by the coach. Pretty cool. Below is the transcript of our brief Q/A session. If you are interested in reading the rest of the chat, click here.

Bill, Denver, Colo.: When you're recruiting, is there any difficulty getting over perceptions about Kansas, i.e -- it's flat, it's boring, it's in the middle of nowhere, etc., when talking to players who have never seen the campus or been to Lawrence? Or does the program sell itself because of the history, the coaches and players, and the success?

Bill Self: I think recruiting is difficult wherever you're at. Tulsa had its own unique obstacles, Oral Roberts had its own unique obstacles, Illinois had its own unique obstacles. Kansas has its obstacles as well, but the positive is we can be in the top-five or top-10 of most recruits list. But the negative is we have to go in to someone else's back yard to get them. I've heard the stigma that Kansas is flat, and I've even made the joke that guys ride their horses to class. But the truth is Kansas is hilly, there are trees, water, beautiful landscape. The city is great, and you're 35 minutes away from Kansas City. Kansas is just about the best of the sells.

Beggars and Choosers

Not long ago, I got the sudden urge to purchase Aliens, and headed to my local Wal-Mart to satisfy my strange, randomly placed, science fiction craving. Afterwards, as my friend and I made our way through the parking lot towards my car, we were approached by a gentleman who looked like a vagabond. As I was in the midst of explaining to my friend how Aliens is one of the best sequels ever made, and how Paul Reiser inexplicably plays an effective villain, and how I wasn’t a total sci-fi dork for purchasing the film, the vagabond-looking gentleman asked us for some money.

He explained that he had run out of gas (though I didn’t see his car) and that he and his son just needed five dollars to get their car back to their house - his young son was slowly and meticulously walking about twenty feet behind him. It was a chilly night, he had a child with him, and given the recent gas prices, I was more than sympathetic to help him out so he and his son could get home safely.

But then the doubts started to creep-in and a thousand questions started racing through my mind…

Does he really need the money for gas or does he just need to buy a six-pack of beer?
Should I go to his car and make sure he uses the money for gas?
Is that really his son or just a kid he was using to draw up compassion?
Is this a scam?
Do I want to look like a sucker?
Is he too lazy to get a job or does he really need help?
Does this story sound fishy or is it just me being cynical?

I had just bought a special edition DVD and a pack of Sour Patch Kids, so I could obviously afford to give this guy a helping hand - and I really wanted to. But as my mind was processing all those questions and doubts, I started to think about those countless news reports and articles, talking about how many homeless/beggars/vagabonds don’t actually need the money and have regular income streams, or how they choose the easier path of just being lazy.

Then I started to think about my friend Nicole - who spends many Thursday nights in the shady parts of downtown Denver, talking and spending time with the homeless – and how she tells me that so many of those people have addictions and beg for money just to feed those addictions.

So after quick deliberations, I told the vagabond-looking gentleman, “sorry, I don’t have $5.”

Thirty seconds later, I tossed a white plastic Wal-Mart bag into the back of my car, filled with a James Cameron classic and a bag of my favorite candy.

I lied. I had $5 (in cash, mind you) to give him – but I didn’t.

Not to sounds like one of those ridiculous holier-than-thou news pundits, but what does that say about the world, that I doubt the sincerity of someone asking for help? What does it say that every night I drive home from work; I stare at a guy begging for money on the highway off-ramp, and don’t give him any cash, because I doubt his true intentions?

I have worked hard to achieve the job and the income-level I enjoy; and I feel with those accomplishments comes a duty to help those who aren’t as fortunate as I am. For all the money I spend on trips to Las Vegas, beers while watching KU basketball games, movies I re-buy because I want them in DVD as opposed to VHS, certainly I can spare some of my income to those who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. I want to help – I truly do. But tragically, I don’t because a few bad apples have ruined the entire barrel.

Because of the immeasurable substance abuse addicts – I don’t give to the “average” street person. Because of countless scams – I don’t give to the vagabond who says he and his son need some gas money to get home. Because of laziness – I don’t give to the guy who asks “if I can spare a few bucks for a meal,” when he can get a job and food discounts working at McDonalds.

In so many cities they outlaw panhandling because it detracts from the quality of life. I can’t help but wonder if we’d still outlaw begging if the beggars actually needed our help. I don’t think we would. I doubt we would say it’s illegal to ask for aid if the person asking was sincere and genuine. It makes me sad that because of all of those people who have taken advantage of our generosity, that those who really need our help have a harder time receiving it.

Maybe it’s not my responsibility to monitor how a beggar chooses to spend my hard-earned money. Maybe I should have taken an extra five minutes to follow the vagabond to his alleged car and watch him put $5 worth of gas into his vehicle. Maybe I should let the homeless person’s conscience deal with the implications of a scamming me for a few bucks. And I know what a lot of you will say is: “if you really wanted to help, you’d find ways” i.e. shelters, soup kitchens, certain charitable organizations, etc. But helping shouldn’t be hard. I shouldn’t need to write checks, verify someone’s non-profit status or walk to someone’s car and physically watch them put gas in their tank, to know it’s legitimate. I should be able to reach into my pocket or roll-down my window, and give directly to those who are asking for my assistance. I should be able to give to a fellow human in need, without doubting their motives.

And it really bothers me that I can’t do that.

People I Don't Feel Sorry For

People who drive SUVs and 1) complain about the price of gas 2) can’t fit into parking normal sized parking spaces and subsequently get dings all over their vehicles 3) get in a car accident by driving too fast for the conditions – thinking their four-wheel drives are incapable of actually sliding in the snow or rain.

People who sue McDonalds for being overweight.

Yankee fans. There is nothing sympathetic about a team that spends $200 million in payroll when most of teams can’t spend half that much.

Skateboarders who hurt themselves showing-off.


Movie studios that lose millions of dollars producing pointless remakes like the Dukes of Hazard, Bewitched and The Longest Yard or ridiculous films like Just Like Heaven - while truly original movies like Napoleon Dynamite struggle to get made, end up making $40 million in theatres, $100 million in DVD sales, $20 million in “Vote For Pedro” t-shirt sales and take a seat at the head of the pop-culture table.



Democrats who nominated John Kerry for president while there were clearly much stronger (albeit less “safe” candidates) to choose from.

Anyone who blindly and unilaterally defends the Bush administration after they do something moronic.

People who can’t find a place to stuff their oversized carry-on bag on an airplane.

Anyone on reality TV who claims they are being “disrespected.”

Girls who get their chest constantly stared at while wearing a cleavage shirt.

Any guy dumb enough to get engaged or married to either Paris or Nikki Hilton.

Any athlete dumb enough to test positive for steroids.

People who get fired for downloading porn while at work.

Television networks that complain about low ratings at the same time HBO gives us The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage and Real Time with Bill Maher. Can’t imagine why I would choose those shows over the Life According to Jim … baffling.

People who pay $4.50 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

People who wait until the last possible moment before merging into traffic and then get frustrated that no one will let them in.

Pessimists when something bad happens.

Lottery winners who make bad financial decisions and the money eventually ends up ruining their life.

Any guy wearing a primarily pink shirt.

People who start fights at bars.

News reporters who get sent out in the freezing cold and snow/rain/wind to report on a storm while standing next to the highway, commenting on the traffic and current weather conditions.

Cranky people working the drive-thru window. Heck, anyone in the service industry who has a bad attitude and then gets 1) gets attitude back from me 2) a bad tip or 3) both. In fact, lets add on airlines, restaurants, bars and stores, that give you crappy service or overcharges you, and then eventually go out of business or bankrupt.

Guys who DTR (define the relationship) too fast - and as a result, freaks the girl out.

Kansas State, Missouri, Syracuse and North Carolina fans … just because.

Road-ragers who get their ass kicked because they messed with the wrong driver.

Procrastinators who end-up with bad seats, bad tickets, bad selection, bad flight times, bad hotel arrangements, bad locations, getting screwed on the cost, getting stuck in traffic, being tired, waiting in line or getting yelled at.

People who get a sliver in their tongue eating with chopsticks.

People who run onto the field during a sporting event and consequently get violently tackled and/or beat-up by one of the athletes.

Those idiots who can’t solve the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune when boards reads, “Lu_e S_ywal_er and Darth Vader.”

People who constantly use phrases and words like, “think outside the box”, “high level”, “ducks in a row”, “team player”, “people person”, “touch base”, “talking points”, “in the loop”, “multi-task”, “detailed oriented” and “hot buttons”.

Smokers who have to stand-out in the cold and/or inclement weather.

Rock stars who get hooked on drugs, lose all their money, trash their career and as a result alienate their family and most of their friends. We’ll call this phenomenon the “Every Episode of VH1’s Behind the Music” phenomenon.
(The good news is that they all eventually sober-up, sometimes find God, gain some new perspective on life, have their hot daughters achieve fame, make the cover of People magazine, have an introspective comeback album, followed by a world-wide farewell tour that ends-up making them $50 million dollars.)