Missing in Action

Since I haven’t written in 419 months, I thought I would blog about all the emails I have received during my hiatus. Here is a small pu-pu platter of those emails …

Where the *uck have you been, Bill? I was forced to read poetry because you weren’t blogging, you selfish SOB!

I wish I could say I have been really busy at work and that the computer at the place I live doesn’t operate anymore – but I don’t want to lie to you. The truth is that I witnessed a murder and was forced to go into the witness protection program until I testify. Sadly, I had to testify in Hawaii and on the plane ride to Honolulu someone let hundreds of snakes free on the plane. And just when the situation looked doomed and I’d never blog again, I turned to the pilot and said, “ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I have had it with these mother *ucking snakes on this mother *ucking plane!”

Luckily, everything turned out fine and I was able to testify. I am now free of my obligations to American jurisprudence and ready to write. Let’s answer some more questions!

Bill, given the choice, where would you rather train, at Superman’s Fortress of Solitude or Yoda’s place on Degobah?”

- Since I am currently house-hunting, lets start out with location, location, location.

The Fortress of Solitude (FOS) is located near the North Pole and is a replica of the planet Krypton. Unfortunately, Krypton is made entirely of giant slabs of ice and looks like it could host the opening ceremonies for the next Winter Olympics. Degobah, on the other hand is a swamp, and unless you root for the Florida Gators or are a redneck, or both, that probably doesn’t appeal to you, either. Hmmmm. Lets go to the tiebreaker.

Superman scored with Lois Lane at the FOS in Superman II and Luke never, ever got laid - even with the ability to use Jedi mind tricks, on Degobah or anywhere else for that matter.

Winner: Fortress of Solitude

- Teachers

At the FOS you get hours and hours of crystal-DVD footage of Superman’s dad, Jor-El, who teaches you pretty much everything there is to know about the universe. The actor who plays Jor-El is none other than The Godfather himself, Marlon Brando. So not only do you get all the knowledge you’ll ever need, you get to learn it from the Super-Godfather. Can you imagine him saying “And if by chance an honest superhero like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies -- Then Lex Luther will fear you.” Good god. What a combination!

Then there is Yoda - the wisest of all the Jedi, who will have you picking up rocks and doing random gymnastics before you know it. Yoda can see the future, sense your fear, make you stronger with the force, and isn’t afraid to chew your ass or smack you with his wooden cane when you get out of line.

Again, this is a close one. As much as I like watching movies, I don’t want to spend day after day getting lectured by Jor-El, even if he is the Super-Godfather (I feel like I am going to get a horse head in my bed just saying that). Yoda can give me the type of on-the-job, personal one-on-one training I need. And he leads by example, only trains the best, and frankly I like the tough love from the little fella – gotta respect that.

Winner: Degobah

- Food

Since I can’t fly and neither can you, getting a solid meal at the FOS would be somewhat of pain – kinda like staying at The Stratosphere in Vegas. I would assume there is a full assortment of polar bears, penguins, and seals for you eat nearby, but they probably aren’t readily available.

Yoda on the other hand seems to enjoy and take pride in his cooking - even if it does taste like leftover Arby’s. Whose knows what kind of Fear Factor-like ingredients he is using though, considering he is surrounded by snakes, lizards, bats and giant sea creatures – like the one that tried to eat R2-D2.

Since I can’t cook and haven’t killed a polar animal since my Junior Homecoming, and Yoda’s warm cooking sounds good after a long day of searching and reaching out with my feelings …

Winner: Degobah, but not because of menu

- Amenities

Degobah features that cool cave that is strong with the dark side of the force and can show you, in pretty specific detail, your greatest fears. What’s in the cave is only what you bring with you. Sweet. Degobah also has Yoda’s house that looks like he could share with the Keebler Elves if they ever get evicted from their tree.

The FOS has the newest flat-ice-screen TV technology Krypton has to offer, plus an awesome chamber that can take away your powers in the event your overbearing and unsympathetic girlfriend tells you that you need to make some changes in your life.

Okay, so how many times can you really walk through that cave on Degobah that is strong with the dark side? I mean really. Wouldn’t it get like riding the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World too many times and eventually you would start to take it for granted? The FOS has a pretty comfy bed (you could even chisel your accomplishments into the ice instead of a bedpost), is relatively modern, offers you a place you can show off to dates, has a giant TV, is built for people taller than six feet, and doesn’t have snakes slithering around.

Verdict: Fortress of Solitude

So overall where would I rather live and train? I’d have to say the Fortress of Solitude. There are safety concerns I need to think of, too. I am much more likely to be bitten by a snake on Degobah, than I am to develop frostbite or accidentally slip and fall off of something at the FOS. Plus, the combination of the Super-Godfather DVDs, the success Superman has had with women there, and the cathedral-like architecture of the fortress is just too much for Yoda and his swamp to overcome.

Winner: Fortress of Solitude

Bill, what was the funniest thing the announcers said during the surprisingly inspiring New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons Monday Night Football game?

“He must have seen something that made him want to pull it out of his pants.”

- Joe Theismann, regarding the referee throwing a flag for pass interference.

Bill, after how many months of dating is okay to start farting in front of the other person?

First I assume you want to keep dating the person, right?

So operating under that assumption, I think you have to evaluate this based on two sets of criteria. One, is the man farting or the woman? Two, is it an audible fart or a silent one?

I think regardless of gender, start off slow. See if you can slip in a couple of silent ones early on in the relationship while in a safe environment, i.e. – large crowd, walks on a windy day, low risk stuff like that. You might be a suspect but you’ll always have plausible deniability.

Call me cautious, but I wouldn’t upgrade into more risky locations: like in the car during a road trip, watching TV or while lying in bed, until you’ve exchanged I love you’s and actually meant it. And even then you should probably wait 6-8 months. There is just too much at risk. You don’t want to lose someone special or guarantee the object your affection will never be attracted to you again because you ate too much Taco Johns when you stopped to get gas (pun intended) in Goodland, Kansas.

Unfortunately for women, silent farts are really as far as you should ever go regardless of how long you’ve been dating. We guys don’t ever want to hear you fart. Even though we understand that you are built with much of the same plumbing we are, frankly we don’t want to hear our woman dropping bombs like Israel fighting Hezbollah, at any stage in the relationship. It ruins your princess image. Totally a double standard, so deal with it.

Men, I probably wouldn’t let a good audible fart go in front of the women until you have a good mental hold on her. You’ll know when that time is. I don’t need to tell you.

Now, who’s hungry for sushi?!?!

With the one year anniversary of the Kansas Jayhawks absolutely killing the Nebraska Cornhuskers coming up this Saturday night, what are your thoughts on KU football this year?

Let me start out by saying that Ryan and I set the United States record for the most random 40-15 (the final score of the game) jokes said to Nebraska fans. Wherever we went and saw someone with an N on their apparel, they were immediately subjected to a healthy dose of jabs, barbs, mocking and sarcasm – sometimes under our breath, often times more audible. It didn’t matter if we saw the N in a restaurant, at a casino, on a plane, at a funeral, or mocked a single mother, a small child, a war veteran, or a disabled farmer, our jokes were relentless - and I’ll tell you, it felt great.

My prediction for this year’s game: Kansas 16, Nebraska 13. Not as snappy as 40-15, but it will do.

Is there a worse song than John Mayer’s “Daughters”?

Probably. But I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

I hate that overly breathy voice singing, “brothers be good to your sisters, because sisters become daughters, who turn into mothers, who become cousins, and turn into bosses, who become ex-wives, and become crossing guards, and turn into chefs on the Food Network.”

The only thing that could make that song worse is if Rod Stewart was singing back-up vocals.

If Best Buy released a “Best of” DVD 4-pack of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Josh Hartnett, and you had to buy one, which one would you purchase?

This is like asking would I rather tear my groin or get kicked in the balls. But since I have to choose …

Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar has on his resume:

- I Know What You Did Last Summer … And a sequel that makes a Family Matters reunion show seem like a good idea.

- She’s All That … Not the girl with ponytail, glasses and paint-covered overalls! Ewww.

- Summer Catch … Where he took being whipped to a whole new level, when he left a baseball game in which he was pitching a freakin’ NO HITTER in the 9th inning, for a girl.

- Scooby Doo … Pretty much ruined every Scooby Doo cartoon I ever watched as a kid and made Fred look like a giant wuss.

Josh Hartnett and his always visible neck mole have made:

- Pearl Harbor … Lets take one of the most historic naval battles of all time and put Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck in the Air Force – seems like a great idea!

- O … It’s hard to believe a cast that featured Josh Hartnett, Julia Stiles and Mekhi Phifer made a bad movie. What’s next, Russell Crowe is going to star in a period piece movie? Unbelievable.

- 40 Days and 40 Nights … This is one of those movies I wish they would remake because I really like the idea; they just did a poor job of executing the film – kinda like Gangs of New York.

- Wicker Park … Did you know its original title was going to be “Answer Your Cell Phone or Leave a Voicemail!”

So I guess if I had to choose, I pick Josh Hartnett and tearing my groin. Maybe tearing my groin would hurt more than getting kicked in balls and watching Freddie, but at least I wouldn’t look like a pansy doing it.