Tantra Baby!

I was recently having an email debate with my friend, Beth, who is a big Sting fan. Yes, there are actually big Sting fans, or, at least one anyway. After I called Sting a pretentious guy who takes himself way too seriously; and every one of his songs since 1996 has pretty much sounded the same – Beth accused me of being jealous of his tantric abilities.

Whoa, whoa, whoa – am not!

I gotta be honest, I don’t want to have sex for five straight hours, or six, or seven, or however long Sting and other tantric-maniacs claim their sex lasts. I’m sorry. I don’t. I’m busy. I have things to get done. I don’t have the time, the attention span, or the desire to be bumping uglies for that long. I think from first kiss (or first “action”) initiating sex, to me finishing my sandwich, the elapsed-time should only be say … 2 hours … 2 hours and fifteen minutes … at most two and half hour - tops.

Sure there are going to be exceptions when it may last a lot longer than that (honeymoon, anniversaries, drunken nights), or a lot shorter than that (public sex, quickies, drunken nights, during a commercial break of the KU basketball game), but I’d say on average, 75 minutes is perfect for me. I am all about efficiency, and if both parties involved can leave totally satisfied within 75 minutes, why waste 5 hours? I have other stuff in life that needs my time and attention.

Now before all the women start emailing me, saying I’ll never get laid again, consider this:

How many things in life do you actually want to spend five consecutive hours doing?

I started to come-up with a list. Here is what I have so far …

- A Godfather Marathon
- Sleep
- A Soprano’s Marathon

That’s it.

As much as I love gambling, I don’t want to play blackjack for 5 straight hours unless I am on one helluva of a winning streak. Sporting events usually don’t last 5 hours. Reading for that amount of time eventually puts you to sleep. Meals don’t last that long. Heck, neither does church. Do you ever want to have a heart-to-heart conversation with a significant-other that lasts 300 minutes? (Women don’t answer that) And how many people would work less than 5 hours a day if given the choice? My point is, while sex is very special and I certainly want my partner to be totally satisfied, I don’t want to spend hour-upon-hour doing it. I love sex, but I love doing a lot of other things in life, too. Between 45 minutes and 2 hours is just about right.

Lets look at it this way. I am of the opinion that unless it’s an epic, movies shouldn’t never-ever reach the three hour mark. Same with sex. If you are telling the story of The Titanic or William Wallace, it’s understandable that you are going to need some time to do the film correctly. Just like if you are intimately commemorating something epic with your significant-other, you are going to need time to develop sub-plots, build tension, get in the right mood, work on character arcs, establish a good soundtrack, and so forth. But just like every movie isn’t a three-hour epic, every sex session shouldn’t be either. We all get antsy and our minds start to wander when a movie drags too long, same thing in the bedroom.

Maybe I am missing something crucial about this whole tantra-thing, but it seems to me that tantra, just like Sting, is overrated and long winded.

The Kansas Trip, Part 3 (and Final Chapter)

Driving into work this morning I was listening to CNN Headline News on my brand new XM Satellite Radio and caught the highlights of a recent George W. Bush press conference. Inspired by the intelligent back and forth between the ole’ commander and chief and the White House press corp, I decided to write Part 3 of the Kansas trip like a press conference …

Q: We all know that you, and the others who joined you on the trip, are notoriously responsible when it comes to drinking – did you take any precautions to make sure you didn’t drink and drive while you were in Kansas City.

A: Yes. Despite the fact our hotel was within a short drive of Westport, Kansas City, we took a cab both to and from the bars.

Q: What was your Kansas City cab experience like?

A: Good question. I accidentally left the digital camera in hotel room, so Ryan and I had to take a cab back to the hotel to get it. We made small talk with the cabbie and revealed that we were KU fans in town to watch the KU/Nebraska game on Saturday. While we ran into the hotel to retrieve the camera, our cab driver called his friend who is a fan of the University of Missouri – a KU rival. Upon our return, we had the following conversation:

CAB DRIVER: I was just on the phone with my friend who graduated from Missouri. I told him I had a couple of Jayhawk fans in my cab. He wanted to know if you guys ever get tired of asking, “Would you like fries with that?”

BILL: That’s really original. What does your friend do for a living?

CAB DRIVER: He drives a cab.

(This is the point in the story where Bill and Ryan try their hardest not to tear an oblique stomach muscle laughing)

BILL and RYAN (laughing and sarcastic): Ohhhhhhh, okay!

CAB DRIVER: There’s good money to be made in driving a cab, ya know. My friend just bought a Lincoln!

RYAN: Is it yellow?

Q: That obviously was the perfect comeback; but after clearly winning the good-natured teasing, did you fear for your life?

A: Despite the fact the cabbie got amazingly defensive and annoyed after Ryan’s zinger, and that we couldn’t stop laughing at him, we never thought he’d pull over and kill us. We give a lot of credit to the Kansas City cab companies for hiring pacifist Missouri fan sympathizers.

Q: How’s the diversity amongst the Kansas City cab drivers?

A: It’s great. At the end of the night, we got into a cab driven by a Muslim. Great guy. Bryn dazzled him with her knowledge of ritual fasting, which he very much respected. He was taken by Bryn and that a cute, blonde, American, Midwest girl would have such knowledge of his religion and its people. To show his appreciation, as we exited the cab, he proudly declared a jihad on Bryn’s vagina.

Q: Did you get ripped-off at all during the trip?

A: Yes. Isn’t it annoying and a total waste of money, when you put money into a juke-box and never hear your songs? I stuck in $5 and got like 15 songs – none of which I heard. Really irked me off. It’s like ordering original recipe chicken from KFC, only to get home and find out they gave you extra crispy. Very unsatisfying.

Q: Jasmine is known, the world over, for being … well … frankly, for being a wee-bit slutty at times. Did Jasmine do anything that would add to her legend?

A: I’ll let the historians decide what Jasmine’s legacy will be. I will say that on Friday night, Jasmine did excessively make-out with her Best in Show. For those of you who aren’t fans of dog shows (neither am I, by the way), the Best in Show is the best looking person you see at a bar. I was more than a little intoxicated at the time, so I can’t confirm if Jasmine and her Best in Show, had wandering hands, ran-off to the bathroom for a little afternoon delight (even though it was early morning), or repeatedly dry-humped on the dance floor; but all accounts so far point to Jasmine keeping her crotch to herself. I give Jasmine credit for showing restraint when kissing her Best in Show – it’s not easy to do.

Speaking of restraint and Jasmine, on our last night in Lawrence, she shattered the record for the fastest pick-up time; when she picked-up a not-21-year-old guy in about 1.653546223 seconds. The guy was just sitting there enjoying the night, when out of no where, Jasmine comes up and starts talking to him. The guy was so happy that he had the same look on his face that a 10-year old has after they ride Space Mountain for the first time. Later when he text-messaged Jasmine (or vice versa) and a hook-up was discussed, Jasmine defied all odds and stayed in our hotel room. I think the reason she said no was either 1) she didn’t want to have to deal with his parents 2) it would have been difficult to slip a big-headed, redhead past dorm security. But I don’t want to speculate.

Q: You mentioned earlier religious diversity; did you encounter any other religions on your trip?

A: As we were leaving the bars on Friday night, I was immediately stopped by a Christian women armed with a Bible. She firmly asked me if I knew that God, “Was against alcohol?” My response was, “Do you know what Jesus’ first miracle was?” The blank look on her face after I said that is not unlike the look someone gets when trying to read a foreign subway map. So I told her, “Jesus turned water into wine. I doubt Jesus is against alcohol when he chose to create it as his first miracle.” As amusing as that was, that first exchange is symbolic of the whole conversation we had with this woman and set the tone for the entire chat. Long story, short – Ryan and I blissfully debated Christianity with her for 20 minutes as we ordered hot dogs for the cab ride back to the hotel – we even drew a crowd!

I don’t have a problem with missionary work or people trying to spread the word of God (one of my best friends, Nicole, loves mission work), but a few things struck me about this encounter:

1) Waiting for drunk people outside of a bar probably isn’t the best venue for these discussions. Has anyone been totally plowed, about ready to take home their Best in Show for the night, had a brief chat with a Christian on the street corner, and said, “screw this, I am going to sober-up, send this ridiculously attractive person home by him/herself, and ask Jesus into my heart? I seriously doubt it (plus, debating a drunk person is an exhausting task in itself). If you are going to do mission work, why not spend your valuable time and energy working with the homeless, or with prostitutes, or with convicts, or with any other group that is going to yield a higher success rate and really give you a shot to influence someone’s life? Isn’t preaching to the drunk as they leave a bar/club, like me going to a KState or Missouri game, and trying to convince their fans to become Jayhawk fans as they leave the arena? Wouldn’t I have a better chance of getting someone to attend or support KU by going to high schools, junior colleges, employment agencies, or talking to people with no college experience? Of course I would.

2) If you are going to try to convert people on the street corner, be knowledgeable about your subject matter. I am sure this lady’s heart was in the right place, but she knew nothing about evolution, very little about what the Bible says on certain topics, i.e. – slavery (this lady was black, by the way), and not much about Christian history or philosophy. Not to mention, she had very poor speaking skills. Again, if I am trying to recruit someone to go to or support KU, I am not going to send out the students on academic probation to try to get people to embrace Jayhawk-anity.

Q: One of the reasons you guys took the trip when you did was so you could watch the Kansas Jayhawk vs. Nebraska Cornhusker football game. When was the last time the Jayhawks beat Nebraska in football?

A: The last time Kansas beat Nebraska in football was two months after the signing of the Declaration of Independence – James Madison was even at the game. We have black and white pictures hanging up in the student union of the future president waving his wheat after the game winning field goal.

Q: What was your impression of the Nebraska fans?

Well to be brutally honest, the traveling Cornhusker fans may be the most unattractive fan base in the United States today. I think on a per-tooth basis, their mouths have the fewest in the country. In fact, I’m sending a letter to ABC tomorrow, demanding they do an Extreme Makeover: Nebraska Students and Alumni.

I was also surprised by how quiet they were. I didn’t think 5,000 people at a sporting event could make so little noise. Maybe the fact the KU football team was beating them like it was basketball season had something to with their deafening silence … I’m not sure.

But they were very nice people for showing up.

Q: So for anyone who may have missed it, what was the final score of the game?

A: It was 247-3. Kansas!

Okay, I can’t lie, it was 104-15. Kansas. We would have scored 243 points if it wasn’t for that pesky 60 minute game rule they have in football.

Rock Chalk, Jayhawk!

Q: So Kansas ended their long losing streak to Nebraska … did any other streaks come to an end at the game?

A: Sadly yes. Bryn is one of the most coordinated people in world, not working for Cirque du Soleil. Bryn hasn’t accidentally spilt anything on anyone since she was a two-year old sitting in a high chair.

During halftime, she and Ryan went off to get some food from the concession stand and purchased a basket full of tacos. As she made her way through the people sitting in our row and to our seats, she somehow lost her balance and ended-up spraying tacos on at least four people plus Ryan. She had purchased three tacos and after the incident only one remained – that’s how bad the spill was. Taco sauce, lettuce, ground beef, taco shells and tomatoes, were launched everywhere. It seriously looked like someone tried to put out a fire using only taco ingredients.

Not only was Bryn nearly brought to tears by the embarrassment of hosing down a half-dozen Jayhawk fans with taco guts, but evidently the fans weren’t too pleased or sympathetic to her either - despite her repeated apologies. I guess I can’t really blame them though - I think we’d all be pretty upset if we were watching Kansas absolutely destroy one of the most storied football programs in college football history, and before we knew it, we were up to my waste in taco toppings, courtesy of some skinny blonde.

Poor Bryn.

Q: Getting back to the game itself, how did it feel to watch this ridiculously one-sided game, where the Jayhawks dominated from start to finish, and not only broke the spirit of the Cornhusker football team, but possibly even the entire state of Nebraska?

A: It was probably the greatest football game I’ve ever attended. We were on our feet, screaming at the top of our lungs, and clapping, for three straight hours. And thanks to the pathetic Nebraska football team, we waved our wheat so much that I thought I was developing a mild case of tennis elbow. Luckily we had a hot tub at the hotel, but I digress. Two of the best indicators of a really fun sporting event are 1) you lose your voice cheering 2) you get so excited, you joyfully high-five strangers – both of those things occurred at the KU/Nebraska game. And when Nebraska finally begged for mercy, like William Wallace screaming “FREEDOM!” at the end of Braveheart, we charged the field, we tore down the goalposts, we carried the goalposts out the stadium, and threw one of them in Potter Lake … so the victory felt pretty good.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes the state of Nebraska and the Cornhusker football team, years to recover from an ass-whooping like that. They may even need to seek-out professional psychological treatment – we’ll see.

I have time for one more question.

Q: Besides Bryn spilling half a Taco Bell restaurant on strangers and her boyfriend, any other memorable interactions occur between your group and Kansas fans?

A: The group of guys sitting right in front of us brought their own Jack and Coke to the game since Memorial Stadium is a dry facility. Actually, they brought their own Jack and poured it into a Coke they purchased at the game – yuck. Anyway, by the mid-third quarter, these barely 18-year olds were all drunk off their asses (a sign of inexperienced drinkers). On or about this time is when Kansas really started putting the screws to Nebraska and it was getting more and more apparent that a Kansas victory was looming.

Let the trash talking begin!

Like I said earlier, we were all very rowdy and talking crap about Nebraska, but these drunk idiots in front of us were making the stupidest declarations in the history of taunting and mocking. I was embarrassed these guys were rooting for Kansas. For about 20-30 minutes straight, this one drunk guy could only loudly scream the following three phrases:

“Go Home!”
“F*ck Nebraska!”
“It’s Over!”

I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I’m not – that is literally all this guy could say! And to make matters worse; he wasn’t funny and was trying really, really hard to jinx us. When you haven’t beaten a team since John Quincy Adams was a teenager, you really don’t want to tempt fate.

Since all four of us laughing at him and making fun of his bonehead, drunk chants wasn’t working in quieting him down, Jasmine decided to take matters into her own hand, or more accurately, her own mouth. Jasmine took a big sip of her Sprite and spit it onto the back of the idiot’s head and neck. She did it once, twice, three times a spitter. Not only did it shut him up and require him and his friends to move a few rows down, but somehow he also never figured out that it was Jasmine spitting on him! Great move on Jasmine’s part.

I’m not advocating spitting on drunk, obnoxious college freshman, but in this instance it was certainly justified. Our entire section of fans genuinely appreciated Jasmine’s crowd control creativity.

That’s all the time I have for questions. Goodbye and thank you for coming.

Kansas, Part Deux

I think the best way to start part 2 is to show a picture …



You know what this is? Next to the wheel, electricity, air conditioning and Las Vegas, it’s the greatest invention in the history of the world – The Holy Grail – 32 ounces of pure joy. The Holy Grail represents all that is good, right and moral in this country.

A few things you should know about Holy Grails:

1) They are actually called “Schooners.” However, we changed the name because after drinking one you feel that you just drank God’s water and you may actually have eternal life. Remember the smile on Indiana Jones’ face after he drinks from the real Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – it’s just like that, only 10 times better and with a buzz.

2) On Thursday night, Louise’s only charges $1.75 for a Holy Grail. Good God. In NYC they’d charge $11, in Denver they’d charge $8, in Kansas it’s $1.75 on Thursday or $3 on every other night. And you wonder why Jayhawks have such great school sprit and why we keep going back to Lawrence after we graduate.

3) Our current group record for Holy Grails consumed in one night is 3. For girls it’s 2. No one has ever attempted to drink 4, because after drinking 96 ounces of beer, you feel really full and bloated. No girl has drank 3 out of fear of liver implosion or death.

4) It is tradition to steal a Holy Grail. Once you do, the Holy Grail will look over you and keep you safe for the rest of your days. On the flip side, if you break a Grail or treat it with disrespect, a dark cloud will forever hover over you and you will have bad luck until the Jayhawks win the national championship. It’s a proven scientific fact - just ask our friends Julie and Nicole.

So after checking into the Springhill Suites, Marriott in downtown Lawrence and eating a very satisfying meal at the Mass St. Deli, we headed to Louise’s for the night. Jasmine and Bryn walked-in with purses the size of a medium-sized Asian man - two guesses on why they’d be carrying such large purses. If you are still stuck, see 4) above.

Anyway, during the course of the evening Ryan and I both put down three Holy Grails and felt pretty good about it, too. A solid, all-star performance on our part. Though the true superstars of the evening were the girls. Like a woman trying to seduce Nathan Lane, Bryn and Jasmine dared to go where no woman has ever gone before - and drank 3 Grails! Not only that, but Jasmine didn’t sleep with anyone and Bryn didn’t throw up all over Lawrence. Un-freakin’-believable.

Was it the altitude? Was it is the Pyramid Pizza afterwards? Or was it the unique and omniscient power of the Holy Grail that allowed Bryn and Jasmine to accomplish this Herculean-like task? I think it was the latter, but you be the judge.

After the girls indefinitely borrowed their Holy Grails from Louise’s, we made a run to the Red Lyon – another bar on the other side of the street. Like an Ethiopian at Thanksgiving dinner, we rapidly ate 9 baskets of popcorn and spread-out all over the bar. Bryn and Jasmine went over to talk with this borderline-cute guy. Here is their exchange:

Jasmine (drunk and cocky): I’m thirsty.

Random Guy (offended, yet gazing adoringly at Jasmine): Aren’t you with those two guys?

(Bryn giggling in the background)

Jasmine: They aren’t buying us drinks.

Random Guy: No, I can't. I’m super-gay!

Now we’ve all had to repel women who are only into us for the drinks, but I don’t think loudly screaming, “I’m super-gay,” is the best way of going about it. Be confident. Be indifferent. Be proud. Be logical. Be married. Don’t claim to be the gay-est guy this side of Val Kilmer in Top Gun, when you’re obviously not – it just invites jokes, ridicule, a loss of respect, and weird looks from your friends.

Friday

The first question I asked myself as I woke up Friday morning was, “how in the world did these two Kansas cheerleaders get into my bed?” The second and third questions were, “are Bryn and Jasmine still alive,” and “if so, are they useless for the rest of the trip?”

Strangely, Bryn and Jasmine were mostly fine. Ryan and I were interacting with Bryn and Jasmine like the crew in Alien after the face-hugger falls off that guy’s head and he’s acting normal as if nothing ever happened. We were all hungry and slightly dehydrated, but besides that, everyone was ready to take on the day. We kept waiting for an alien to burst out of Bryn and Jasmine’s chest, but it never did. You gotta love the power of the Holy Grail.

While visiting a souvenir store, a heavy-set gentleman in his 50s came up to the four of us and asked us if we worked there:

“Nope,” we said.

“You don’t?”

“No, we still don’t.”

“You don’t work here?”

“No!”

“Any of you work here?”

“No!”

(Visibly annoyed like we were lying) “I guess you guys don’t work here then.”

Just like I hate getting asked if my car belongs to me, I hate being asked if I work someplace just because I am young and smiling. It’s not like we were wearing red and khakis at Target, we were wearing regular clothes and weren’t wearing a name tag! Besides looking young, what else implied that we worked at this store?

A few stores later, that same guy came into a store we were already shopping in. As Ryan was paying for his souvenirs, Bryn and Jasmine went over to heckle the guy. As Bryn made polite, over-the-top insincere conversation (as he stared at Bryn’s rack), Jasmine jumped into the chat and asked him 8 times if he worked there. I’m-laughing-so-hard-I’m-crying-hilarious. The guy was such an idiot that he had no clue why Jasmine randomly kept asking him if he worked there, because he was soooo preoccupied in to telling Bryn all about himself. Every time Jasmine asked if he worked there, he’d repeat that he coached high school track and keep talking. So Jasmine would interrupt and retort with, “that’s great, but do you work HERE?” By the time we left, all four of us were openly making fun of him and even the store cashier was even getting into the laughter.

Switching gears a bit - Don’t you love those people in your life that no matter how much time has passed, or no matter how much has changed in your lives, when you encounter that person again, it’s as if almost no time has passed at all and you talk like you just spoke yesterday. Those types of connections are really special. Sometimes they are with old high school friends. Sometimes it’s with a family member you don’t see very often. Sometimes it’s with someone that for whatever reason you share a bond.

In my case, it was with someone I had dated, lived with, and loved, when I was a senior at KU. I hadn’t really spoken to her in over five years - sure we exchanged the occasional informative and polite email over the years, and even swapped pleasantries at a wedding we both attended, but for about 1,246 reasons, we hadn’t really spoken since we broke-up and I moved away from Kansas 5+ years ago. She’s married with kids now so I don’t have any steamy stories for you, but I will say it was great spending a short amount of time with her.
She called me after we just got done walking around the Greatest College Campus Ever Conceived by Man and were just about to head to Kansas City for the night. I ended-up seeing her for about an hour and a half total on two separate occasions, but it was amazing to me how we were able to joke around, ask about each other’s families, reminisce about the past, and catch-up, as if I just saw her last month. I even recognized her trademark laugh, which I thought I had long since forgotten.

I have no idea if I’ll ever see or talk to this person again. But just like not getting a speeding ticket in Western Kansas, Jasmine and Bryn not having an alien launch out of their chests after drinking three Holy Grails, and the gas prices in Kansas ($2.35 a gallon for premium unleaded), spending time with this person was one the pleasant surprises of the trip.

The Final Chapter in the Kansas Saga Coming Soon!

Kansas, Part I – The Road Trip

Like chopsticks and baseball, Americans have a romantic attachment to road trips. Is it the seedy truck stops where you wonder if the people who work there actually know what year it is and who is president? Is it the junk food? Is it that neat feeling of watching a “Welcome to …” sign come and go out of your window? Is it the borderline cheesy, yet strangely effective, games you play to pass the time? Is it the camaraderie that comes with spending hour upon hour stuck in a car? Is it the rest areas? The billboards? The tumbleweed? I don’t have any answers for you – but all I can say is I do love road trips. And on 8 a.m. on Thursday morning, we began our 8 hour road trip to Lawrence, Kansas. Here is what transpired …

Before we get started, let me introduce the starting line-up. Joining me on this journey is:

He’s a 6’2, cerebral, senior web developer, hailing from the proud state of Oregon. His hobbies include Vodka Tonics, blondes, spiking his hair, successfully wearing wristbands, giving girls wedgies, taking awesome photographs, techno dancing, and becoming a world champion heckler when he’s drunk. This is Ryan!

Weighing in at a Nicole Ritchie-like 100 pounds, she’s an overly efficient and productive American Eagle manager, and future nurse. She has a knack for being able to imitate anyone’s dancing style, hates the state of Iowa, and has an affinity for snorting. She is graceful at all times and is never, ever clumsy. She currently holds the North American record for the longest period of time of never accidentally spilling anything on anybody. Let me introduce Ryan’s girlfriend and a friend of ours, Bryn!

And last, but certainly not least. She is a fireball redhead who is currently on a mission to have all red-headed slut shots renamed to “Jasmine.” She’s a successful, big-headed, yet humble marketing director originating from Cornhusker country, aka – Nebraska. She is a recent addition to the professional improv world and is so loud that even a microphone cannot duplicate the volume of her voice. I give you our friend and fellow blogger, Jasmine!

Onto the trip …

- As Ryan and I are locking-up the house and preparing to set the alarm, Ryan and I have the following exchange:

Ryan: Is there anything we should turn-off before we go?

Bill: Yeah, Jasmine.

- As Kip Dynamite would sing, “I love technology …” We are joined on this trip by XM Satellite Radio and Ryan’s laptop capable of playing DVDs. For a moment I almost feel sorry for Lewis and Clark, and all those other people who have had to endure a cross-country trip without the luxuries of modern technology. Unfortunately, my moment of sorrow and reflection is interrupted by the 20th Century Fox theme blaring through my speakers as the first movie starts playing. Oh-well.

- First stop of the trip is in beautiful Limon, Colorado. For those of you who have never been, Limon is beautiful this time of year. If you have a spare 10 minutes, I highly recommend visiting one of their clean restrooms and hospitable fast-food establishments. Let me put it this way, Limon is the Hays, Kansas of Colorado.

Anyway, we didn’t eat breakfast prior to leaving so we patronize the Limon McDonalds. Two things to ponder about McDonalds. One, why are all their Chicken McNuggets shaped like the state of Louisiana? And two, why is their Coke two-hundred times better than anyone else’s? Seriously, it’s like soda heroin … except it doesn’t alienate your family, dominate your life, and cost you your job … but besides that, they are very similar.

- Anyone who has driven on I-70 between Limon and the Kansas state line can’t help but notice the “giant” tower in Genoa, Colorado called, Tower Museum - where they claim from the top you can, “View 6 States!” I’ve always been highly skeptical of this assertion because from the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago you can only see 4 states, and the Genoa Tower is about 1,000 feet shorter - so when you think about it, what six states can you actually see? Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming, Oklahoma, New Mexico, would be my guess - but even that’s a stretch.

As it turns out, back in the day, the Tower was once a fairly popular tourist attraction because of this claim which is in fact, a giant hoax. Colorado is the only state visible from the top, but before I-70 was constructed and overnight stays in small towns were more of a necessity, the Tower was a top tourist draw in no small part because of the 6-state claim. Most guests didn’t do the research, or more likely didn’t care, so no one ever really called-out the owners of the Tower about their deceptive claim. Maybe it’s karma because the place is pretty run-down now. I think more people visit the World’s Largest Prairie Dog and 5-Legged Steer in Oakley, Kansas than the Tower Museum. Ouch.

(By the way, the World’s Largest Prairie Dog is a hoax, too – it’s a wooden statue)

- After having an entertaining and windy photo session at the Kansas state line, where I am pretty sure Bryn and Jasmine simultaneously freaked-out and turned-on about two dozen truckers, by running around trying to catch tumbleweed, we stopped in Colby, Kansas to refill the car, buy some snacks, and get glared at by the locals.

Now Colby is one of those towns that only has one movie theatre, with only one screen, and shows only two movies. Well a few years back, Ryan and I stopped in Colby to pick-up some Sonic, which is adjacent to their movie theatre. And the way they listed what movies were playing was really funny. Their movie sign read:

NOW PLAYING
Hannibal The Mexican

Freakin’ hilarious. It’s obvious what two movies they were advertising, but can you imagine that movie …

“Hola Clarice. Come Estas? Me gusta fava-beans y bueno Chianti.”

- Not long after Colby, at a cruising speed of 82 miles per hour (in a 70) and right in the middle of The Interpreter starring Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn, I look in my rear view mirror and see a police car on the other side of the highway suddenly make a U-turn. Mother fu*&^*er! Who doesn’t know what that sinking feeling feels like? – knowing a cop just turned around because of you. In an act of desperation, I quickly exit at the town I just happen to be passing at the time, and hope I can lose him on the exit ramp. Shit, still behind me and gaining quickly. I make a swift right turn into the gas station and rapidly park the car.

Nope, didn’t work. He’s parked right behind me. The State Trooper knocks on my window and immediately asks if this is my car - and he asks in a way that somehow suggests that it’s unusual for a car full of 20-somethings to be driving a Lexus – that ageism stuff really bugs me. Of course he queries me if everything is current on my license (which it isn’t, my address is wrong) and disappears to his vehicle for what seemed to be the next 47 minutes. Yep, I am getting a ticket. In the meantime, a handful of people take pleasure in watching me get a ticket in a gas station parking lot. Go ahead – point, laugh, take your best shot, assholes. I don’t need to do anything but sit here and smile - my good friend Mr. Karma will take care of the rest. And, as it miraculously turns out, he does. I get a warning! No ticket! As Jasmine would loudly declare, “YIPPEE!” I love Mr. Karma. This has to be a good sign for things to come.

These events do beg the question though, after escaping a speeding ticket, do you: test fate and continue speeding? Or, do you take the State Troopers advice and slow down a bit?

Inspired by the near-ticket experience, we all hop out of the car and drop about $30 in snacks at the gas station store. One hour and 77 miles later, Ryan would claim that he can actually hear us getting fatter, as we joyfully consume: Funyons, Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers, some sort of assorted snack mix, chips, donut-holes, soda and candy bars. We eat so much that I think Bryn may have actually gained some weight … nah! Eating like crap is definitely one of the best parts of a road trip.

- Just passed a billboard that read, “Bill, Bored?” Wow. That was the single most personalized signage I have ever encountered. I feel giddy.

- Don’t you hate it when you’re peacefully driving along and all of a sudden a loud HONK! blares at you – only for you to realize it’s the radio (or in our case the DVD player). It scares you just enough to get you mildly annoyed and to get your heartbeat going a little quicker.

- About halfway through Kansas I have seen signs for Dorothy’s house, Oz, the Oz Museum, an Oz theme park, a store where you can pet a stuffed Toto, and a place where you can try on a replica pair of Dorothy’s slippers. Okay, I made-up those last couple of things, but if Kansans ever want to stop having to endure the hundreds of unoriginal and tired Wizard of Oz jokes, you have to stop taking so much damn pride in that movie! It’s ridiculous, the movie came out in 1939! I’m tired of people telling me, “I’m not in Kansas anymore.” It almost like Kansans believe the movie is based off of a true story – sort of like how they teach creationism in science class.

I’ve never been to Morocco, but I seriously doubt the country is building a Casablanca Theme Park and Museum, where you can try on Humphrey Bogart’s hat and trench coat, and play Sam’s piano. Get over the Wizard of Oz, Kansas! Please.

- Two things I’ll never understand.

1) Why, if you are sleeping in a car, do you suddenly wake-up when the car comes to a complete stop?

2) Why, when slowing down or looking for a place to get gas and/or eat, do you need to substantially turn the volume down on the radio?

While we are here, another question I have is … When a small town purchases a billboard and proudly advertises their city by using the following slogans:

“History, Diversity, Fun for the Family – Visit Beautiful WaKeeney, Kansas!”

“A History of Hope, Heroes, and Hospitality – Abilene, Kansas!”

“Russell, Kansas – Where the Past, Present and Future Meet!”

“Colby, Kansas – The Oasis on the Plains”

Do the townspeople honestly expect people to go ...

“Wow, Russell seems great! Hey honey, evidently we overlooked Russell in our vacation planning. Screw Kansas City, let’s take the family to Russell and tour their Indian Relics and Great Plains Museum! This is great! The kids will love it. I can’t believe we never thought of vacationing here before!”

Seriously, have you ever stopped at a small, Midwest town off the side of I-70 for any other reason except to: use the bathroom, buy gas, eat a meal, buy snacks, stay one night at a hotel, or buy something for your car? I really want to know, do those cheesy ad campaigns really work on anyone? And if so, I really want to meet those people!

- After getting some gas we encounter this awkwardly phrased sign:

I love it! I am definitely hanging my souvenir chicken fajita on the wall when I get back to Denver.

- At mile-marker 313, we are told by a billboard that, “One Kansas farmer feeds 128 people plus myself.” Good to know. Exit 313 is also the exit for Manhattan, Kansas, home of the Kansas State Wildcats. If I was a betting man, I’d bet that most Kansas farmers have spent at least 6 years in Manhattan earning their bachelors degree.

- I am continually frustrated by those public restrooms that are just big enough to be used by multiple people, yet don’t contain a divider between the urinal and the toilet. Every guy out there knows exactly what I am talking about. Are they honestly expecting us to use the stall without a divider? I really hope not. Yet it always strange locking the door to some giant bathroom that seems destined to be used by multiple people.

- And the winner of the Most Random Bumper Sticker Award goes to:

“Circumcision is not a parent’s right!”

Okay??? I try to stay up on the news, but is this even an issue? Is there a large anti-circumcision movement under way in this country that I am not aware of? Strangely a woman was driving the car, but is there a group of bitter men walking around demanding foreskin?

- I know I just referenced a woman driver, but has anyone else noticed that traveling in this country is a giant sausage-fest? Last month I flew to Cincinnati for the weekend and the airplane was 80% male. Every time I walk through an airport, it’s lined with men. Over 90% of the cars I passed on I-70 were comprised of all guys. Traveling in America is like going to bad bar on a ladies night – a bunch of cheesy guys standing around checking-out and drooling-over every woman they come across. Not good. A couple of the people we encountered in our travels reacted to Bryn and Jasmine like Tom Cruise telling Oprah about Katie Holmes. I’m not kidding, it was weird.

I know women travel – I’ve hung out with women in different cities and states – but how in the world do they get to their final destination? Do they take buses? Trains? Chartered planes? Maybe some other mode of transportation I don’t even know about? Baffling.

- I love the phenomenon that occurs after you’ve been driving 75+ MPH for 8 hours, and you’re suddenly thrown onto a road where every one is driving 40 MPH, and the cars seem to be moving in slow motion. That’s always fun. I love bobbing-n-weaving in and out of traffic, like the way we used to play those racing games on Nintendo.

- So around 5:45 central time, we arrive in Lawrence in very good spirits. Thanks to the movies, the trip went pretty quickly and besides needing to brush our teeth really, really badly, everyone’s bodies are in good shape and still have their full mental faculties.

In the next posting …

Will Jasmine talk to her Best-In-Show? Will Bryn spill a Mexican snack on a stranger? Will Kansas end their 261 year losing streak to Nebraska? Will Ryan be fooled by a deceptive lollypop wrapper? Will I get a visit from an unexpected person? All these questions and more will be answered in Part II of the Kansas trip - coming soon!

On the Road Again

“So to take a picture, the camera has to be on …”

- Our friend Julie, explaining what she has recently learned about digital cameras.

So my vacation schedule over the last year or so closely resembles a Super Bowl schedule. I seem to be rotating through a few choice cities instead of visiting the entire U.S. Like the Super Bowls always seem to be held in either New Orleans, Miami and San Diego (which in German of course means whale’s vagina) – I find myself constantly in Vegas, Chicago or Kansas.

That means it’s Super Bowl time. It’s time for a road trip to Lawrence, Kansas!

On Thursday, Ryan (my best friend and roommate), Bryn (Ryan’s girlfriend), Jasmine (a friend of ours), and I will be making the thrilling 8-hour drive across I-70 to visit my alma mater, the University of Kansas. The plan is to hit Lawrence on Thursday night, spend Friday in Kansas City - gambling, checking out the town, eating, drinking, etc., returning back to Lawrence on Saturday for the Kansas/Nebraska football game, and then heading home to Denver on Sunday.

As I continue to polish my travel writing skills in preparation for my dream job at a travel magazine (and of course the subsequent Pulitzer Prize), I will be keeping a running journal of the trips’ events and posting them when I return. You won’t want to miss it.

Before that though, there are a few things you should know about Kansas trips:

- It’s really, really cheap

One of the reasons we go to Lawrence so often is because it only takes 2 ½ tanks of gas to get there, the hotel split 4 ways for 3 nights is very reasonable, the food is inexpensive (for example, $4.75 for a personal pan pizza and a coke at a ridiculously good pizza place called “Pizza Shuttle”) and you can get drunk on $15-20 a night – I’m not exaggerating. It’s like visiting Vegas during the 70’s.

- A lot of drinking takes place

What do you get when you take 4 fun people from one mile above sea level, bring them down to sea level, stick them in a college town, give them really cheap alcohol prices, and throw-in a rowdy 20-something crowd and an exciting sports atmosphere? The perfect equation for three straight nights of drinking and debauchery. I don’t have any stats to back this up, but we may actually drink more, per ounce, during a Kansas trip than a Vegas trip. Yikes.

- I have the greatest friends in the world, in no small part because they have all embraced the Jayhawks

Usually Kansas trips are planned around 1) home basketball games 2) huge basketball games on TV, in which there is no better place to watch the game other than a Lawrence bar 3) a home football game. Jayhawk sporting events are usually a good time all around and despite the fact none of my friends went to KU, they all pretty much root and support the Jayhawks as much as any student or alumni - so a Lawrence trip is sort of a rite of passage. Which, speaking of …

- I am worried about Bryn and Jasmine

This will be Bryn and Jasmine’s first trip to Lawrence. Judging by Bryn’s drinking performance on her birthday, and Jasmine’s drinking exhibition at the Katrina Drink-a-thon, this could be a rough 4 days/3 nights for those two young ladies - and for different reasons:

In Jasmine’s case; she has a serious weak spot for the boys, which only gets worse (or better if you are on the receiving end of her, um, generosity) when she drinks. If you don’t believe me, scan the archives of her blog for her testimonials. As I stated before, we will be drinking a ton and Lawrence has an ample supply of frat guys, punk rock guys, and guys in clever t-shirts – pretty much Jasmine’s entire target audience. At this point in Jasmine’s dating career, I wouldn’t be surprised by anything that happens. She could have: a sophomore, a junior, and a senior; a blond, a redhead, and a brunette; a guard, a forward, and an assistant head coach; a professor, the mayor, and the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, on consecutive nights and I wouldn’t be fazed.

In Bryn’s case; she weighs like 90 pounds and will be drinking her weight in ounces of beer - think about how profound that is for a second. On Saturday night, in just an hour and a half, Bryn drank enough that caused her to puke all over the side of her red Ford Focus and be a waste of space the next day. In an hour and a half! What is going to happen when she needs to do that for 4 or 5 hours straight for three consecutive nights? Will she do her best Frank the Tank impression from Old School and go streaking? Will she sing the classic “You Turn Me On” song from Leaving Las Vegas? Who knows? If you have a moment, please send your thoughts and prayers, c/o Bryn, to the deity of your choice.

Remember the scene in Airplane!, when the flight attendant is asking the passengers over the intercom if there is a doctor on board, at the same time the bodies of the pilot and co-pilot are being dragged down the aisle of the plane, as the passengers look-on in horror. Well, by the end of the weekend, there is a very good possibility that Ryan and I could be requesting a doctor, while dragging Bryn and Jasmine’s bodies out of the state of Kansas, as a bunch of terrified farmers look-on in horror.

Stay tuned to find out.