Thumbs Up!

Quote of the Week:

“It's a fun atmosphere. It feels like it's at least one half KU and one half Colorado fans."

- Christian Moody, University of Kansas, forward/center, giving out some props to the rowdy, loud, and sprited Jayhawk faithful after Kansas defeated the Buffalose in Boulder last week.

CU, which averages a flacid 3,000 fans per game, only sells out one game per year, the Kansas game, and we showed-up 5,000 strong to make the Coors Event Center - Allen Fieldhouse: West. I’m proud of all you fellow Jayhawks fans!
Buffalose fans should be embarrassed to have their home court turned into a homecourt advantage for the VISITING TEAM!

Movie/TV Show of the Week:

Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II

Unlike too many men, I have no problem openly admitting I enjoy chick flicks. Now I am not talking about films like Under the Tuscan Sun, that Traveling Ya-Ya Sisterhood Pants movie, or Kate and Leopold; I’m talking about good movies that happen to be chick flicks like. Love Actually or Notting Hill.

So the other night after watching an episode of The Soprano’s, HBO showed Father of the Bride I and II, back-to-back.

(For the record, I did not spend 4+ hours watching a Father of the Bride marathon.)

Anyway, from the parts I did catch, I can officially say - and say with confidence - that the relationship George (Steve Martin’s character) has with his daughter Annie (Kimberly Williams) is very, very uncomfortable. From the way he longingly gazes at her, to his possessiveness, to his random jealous temper tantrums, to his constant pouting, to his long-winded incestus monologues – I got so seriously creeped out by Steve Martin that I couldn’t even enjoy the movies. Steve Martin was like an insecure 10th grader trying to figure out if the girl he has a crush on likes him. And that basketball scene in Father of the Bride between him and his daughter, is like watching one of your uncles hit on your attractive, college-aged cousin during Thanksgiving dinner, while the rest of the family tries their best not to make eye contact.

I’m not a parent, so I am left wondering: Do dads really feel this way about their daughters? If so, I really, really want a son.

Besides that, Martin Short, and the plot in the sequel, I thought the movies were really great.

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Underrated: Thumbs

(Now everyone collectively pull your head out of the gutter – thank you)

Thumbs are the key to every good massage and few too many people realize this – especially you women. I will concede that I am not the national champion when it comes to massages, but I am in the Sweet Sixteen. So let me offer a few suggestions when it comes to thumbs and massages:

1) Thumbs are the strongest of your fingers, use them to your advantage.

2) You are not going to break us and probably not going hurt us either, so use as much thumb strength as possible.

3) Us men have big, strong muscles and it takes a little bit more than a caress to loosen them up and remove knots. So when giving us a massage, don’t pretend you are petting your cat as you watch Sex in the City, pretend that you are trying to level out stiff cookie dough … or something like that.

4) Don’t get overzealous with your thumbs and accidentally pinch us or apply the Vulcan Neck Grip. Ouch.

5) Don’t focus and rub just our neck and shoulders. Our biceps, lower back, mid-back, upper-butt-region and head need attention, too – show them that you care.

6) I repeat, the thumb is the key to a good massage. If you don’t use it effectively, your massage will suck. No exceptions!

Unanswered Question of the Week:

Are you suppose to tip the people at Sonic who bring the food to your car?

Metaphorical Kick in the Balls of the Week:

The Kansas Jayhawks blowing late second half leads to both the Kansas State Wildcats and the Missouri Tigers within a three day period.

Song of the Week:

“Believe” by Cher

Before you start wondering about my musical sanity, let me say I saw a commercial early in the morning advertising the Greatest Hits of the 90s, or something like that, and the c.d. included the song “Believe.” I wasn’t listening to a Cher c.d. by choice – really I wasn’t. I promise. I wasn’t.

For those of you who don’t know the tune I am referring to (I mean, how could you not?), it’s the Cher song that goes:

Do you belieeeeeeve in life after love?

The next part is tricky though, she either sings:

I can feel something inside myself – I really don’t think it’s strong enough…

OR

I can feel something inside me say(ing) – I really don’t think it’s strong enough…

It’d be easy to Google the lyrics and find out the truth, but I don’t want to know what the answer is. I remember being drunk in college and hearing that song, and debating the lyrics with my old buddies. And recently, while in Vegas, Ryan and I deliberated what she was saying while enjoying a meal at Olives in The Bellagio. I guess just like the Kennedy assassination, some questions are best left unanswered.

What the hell am I talking about? I can’t believe I just wrote that last paragraph. I really hope this conversation hasn’t caused you to have a total loss of respect for me, musically or otherwise. Okay, I am going to listen “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel, to go feel better about myself.

Relationship/Dating Thought of the Week:

I’m continually asked by my family and friends the status of my dating life. Fair enough. I know a third of them are asking because they care about me, a third of them are asking because they are itching for additional family members; be-it in the form of a: sister-in-law, a grandchild, or other, and the other third are still trying to conclude whether or not I am gay.

But there is this weird, yet strangely enjoyable, dating purgatory that exists between girlfriend status and friendship status. It’s that period of time when you have gone on more than a handful of dates, the other person has met most of your friends, there has been ample physical interaction, you can genuinely relax when you are at their place, you tell some of your edgier stories and past relationship experiences, and you start honestly showcasing your “real” personality.

Now it is easy for other single people in my age group to understand the philosophies, geography, and characteristics that accompany Dante’s Divine Dating Purgatory because they’ve all recently been there; but trying to explain this limbo-land to a married person or someone in their 40’s, is like trying to explain the appeal of Napoleon Dynamite. So I have to put into terms they’ll understand.

You can’t say you’re “dating” the person because dating implies commitment – which, good or bad, you don’t have yet. Saying your “seeing” the person sounds impersonal and outdated. I suppose you can say you’re “hanging out” or “spending time together”, but that sounds like code for watching Brokeback Mountain with your best guy friend. So what do you say that can be understood by all, yet keep you out of an unintentional DTR (defining the relationship)? Usually I settle on the “we’re getting to know each other” tag. Safe. Simple. Open-ended. Vague. But if anyone else out there has any good dating titles/adjectives that have historically worked for them – I’d love to hear it.

Something New Debut

Like Lindsay Lohan at a Hollywood party, I am going to try something new. In order to keep me on a consistent writing schedule and to continue polishing my writing skills, every week I am going to “award/answer” 7 things-of-week. For example: Quote of the Week, Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week, etc. I will still write about other topics, but once a week I will attempt to hit on these predetermined themes.

Hopefully this will go over well and everyone will enjoy it.

I do ask though that if you can think of any funny or interesting topics for me write about, like, “Annoying Public Figure of the Week” or “Sports Cliché of the Week” or “Burnt-out Celebrity of the Week,” please let me know and I’ll add it to my list.

Quote of the Week:

“I just had a periodontal orgasm.”

- Ryan, after removing a large piece of movie theater popcorn from his teeth while we were watching Syriana

Movie/TV Show of the Week:

Syriana

If you are looking for a Traffic-wannabe, with a confusing and unclear plot, too many similar characters, undeveloped and wandering subplots, vague dialog, with no emotional impact, and an all-star cast, then Syriana is definitely a movie you’d enjoy.

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Underrated – New Years Eve Celebrations

Much to my chagrin, there is a strange anti-New Years Eve/New Years Eve celebration backlash circulating around the country. Recently, Sports Illustrated Peter King had this to say about New Years Eve partying:

“New Year's Eve is so far overrated it's dangerous. Very dangerous. Does America really need another reason to get totally lit?”

A few days later, my friend Beth emailed me the following New Years sentiments:

“New year’s is one of the most over-rated holidays. At least with Valentine’s Day, it started out celebrating the life of an actual saint. New year’s is just designed to fool people into believing that they’ve gotten a fresh start, a whole new year to forget the disappointments of the old and start anew, but really, they have that chance to have a better life every single day that they wake up.”

New Years is one of my favorite holidays – and not because it usually involves getting drunk. From a practical standpoint: I love counting down with champaign in hand, I love screaming “Happy New Year!”, followed by hugging my friends and family (occasionally kissing someone), then hugging and congratulating total strangers, and singing “Auld Lang Syne." In a time when everyone is quick to be overly critical of life, fun extinguish, and be excessively politically correct, I think it’s refreshing to have a holiday where you hug and say “Happy New Year!” to total strangers, and where you get thousands of people to congregate and celebrate a new year together; regardless of their religious views, economic status, area of the country, age, etc. New Years is one of the few holidays that brings the entire world together (how many other events do that?) – and that should be embraced, not criticized - even if the celebration may include excessive alcohol and finding someone to kiss at midnight.

From a philosophical standpoint, New Years can be symbolic of a fresh start. My friend Beth is correct in saying that every day of the year offers the same opportunity for a new beginning as New Years does. But just like celebrating your birthday is not actually celebrating your age (we are all 9 months older than our birthday), it does represent a milestone in our lives. It allows us to reflect on the past year, and gives us the vision to see how we might make the coming year better. Symbols are important to a lot of people – whether it’s a wedding ring, a college mascot, or even a tattoo. For many, New Years is symbolic of hope; and a time for self-improvement, renewing life goals, and acting on procrastinated dreams. And like Andy Dufresne once said, “hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things.”

I guess I don’t understand why people are so down on New Years.

Or maybe it’s because I spent the last two in Las Vegas – I don’t know …

(And to call New Years “very dangerous” is part of the problem with the world and the media today. Stop over-exaggerating and sensationalizing – has anyone ever said to themselves, “Good God, New Years Eve is very dangerous – I need to go to Iraq just to get out of harms way.”

Not everything is bad, evil, wrong, immoral, and worthy of a 60 Minutes or Dateline special. Quit sucking the life out of life! Please.

It’s also pretty smug of a guy who covers professional football for a living to call into question how often Americans drink – tailgating, the Super Bowl, anyone?)

Unanswered Question of the Week:

Why do we call Southern France the South of France? We don’t say the South of Chicago or the South of America.

Song of the Week:

“Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues

I still don’t know how to feel about the soap opera theme music at the beginning of the song, or understand the Walt Disney World-like monologue/music at the end, but the slow, deliberate pacing of the song, and the melancholy lyrics in the verses, are dang near perfect - despite its 7:00+ minute running time. Not to mention it’s really easy get this stuck in your head:

’cause I love you!
Yes, I love you!
Oooooooooooooooooh, how, I love you!!!

(In doing some research, evidently the song is a tale of a yearning, tortous, unrequited love from afar. Oh.

And the Disney-like diatribe at the end of the song is actually a spoken poem called, “Late Lament” which was written by Moody Blues drummer Graeme Edge (nice name) and read by keyboardist Mike Pinder.)

Food Item of the Week:

I attended a wedding on Saturday where the groom was a typical country-western fella, and the bride was Hispanic. At the reception, the first part of the buffet contained fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy. The second half of the table was filled with Mexican food.

Freakin’ hilarious.

Relationship/Dating Thought of the Week:

Call me old fashion, but I still embrace most chivalrous gestures. I enjoy paying for dates; someday I will ask my girlfriend’s parents for permission to marry and when the time comes, I will drop to one knee to propose; and if I am on a sinking ship, I have no problem with the whole “women and children first” thing.

However, what I won’t support is opening the car door for my date. It’s not because I am selfish or macho or a chauvinist, it’s because nowadays it doesn’t make any logical sense to do that. And maybe that’s my problem, since dating and logic seldom align.

Anyway, I have remote entry to my car; which means the car doors unlock long before we arrive to get into the car. In the pre-remote-entry days, a gentleman would walk his date to her side of the car, unlock her door, assist her into the car, and then close the door once she gets settled. I suspect the purpose of this tradition was to prevent the women from unnecessarily standing in the cold, rain, snow, hail, heat, wind, etc., while the guy walks to his car door, unlocks it, gets in, and then eventually gets around to unlocking his dates’ door so she can get in. But since I have remote entry, my date gets into the car the exact same time I do. She doesn’t have to wait or stand in inclement weather – so why am I still opening her car door? It still makes sense for me to open all other doors for my date (i.e. – entering a restaurant), but now that technology allows us both to enter a vehicle simultaneously, why should I have to unnecessarily open the car door for her? Isn’t it sort of selfish of women to ask men to stand out in the weather when we don’t have to?

Unfortunately, on most dates I still uninspired-ly go through the motions of opening car doors because I want to make a good impression. But truth be told, I think it’s an outdated practice, and I’d rather save opening car doors only for a special occasions.

The Tragic Kingdom

Where did I leave that dang soapbox? …. I know I put it around here somewhere … Oh … good … there it is.

I am begging the national media – yes, I’m talking to you CNN, CNBC, Fox news, ABC news and CBS news – to stop calling every unfortunate event a tragedy! It’s driving me crazy! Just because a person/people die young, die in accidents, die on TV, get murdered by a spouse, etc., does not make the incident a tragedy! I’m sorry, it doesn’t.

Here are a couple of recent events to illustrate my point.

- In December, a Southwest airplane slid off the runway at Chicago-Midway, broke through a barrier wall separating the runway from the street, and ended-up crashing into, and crushing, two passing vehicles. In one of the cars were some children, and a six-year old boy died from the injuries he sustained from the plane hitting his car.

Definitely a horrible accident, but the anchorman at Fox kept calling this an unspeakable tragedy. WTF?! One person died! That’s all! The 100+ inside the plane pretty much walked-off uninjured, the plane (that was going over 100 knots) didn’t hit more than two cars during rush hour, and there was no major loss of property. How is that a tragedy? Think of how much worse this scenario could have been – and what you are imagining in your mind right now is probably a lot closer to a tragedy than what actually happened.

- Earlier this week, a dozen miners died in a West Virginia coal mine. Putting aside the major “miscommunication” problem that took a traumatic event and made it worse for the coal miner’s families; 12 miners dying in a high-risk profession is not exactly a tragedy either.

Now before anyone starts accusing me of being cold-hearted, let me explain what I think constitutes a tragedy …

For the families of the coal miners and the family of the child who died outside of Midway Airport, losing their loved ones IS A TRAGEDY. But a personal tragedy. When my mom died almost five years ago, her death was a tragedy to our family. Another personal tragedy. And if it was the family members of the victims reporting the news, I would fully and rightfully expect them to call these events tragedies. But it’s not. It is news anchors, whose job it is to report news to the entire country. People in California wouldn’t call a coal mining accident in West Virginia a tragedy. People in Manhattan wouldn’t call the plane accident in Chicago one either. Five or ten years from now, only the people directly involved with these events will ever remember they happened. And that fact alone should tell you that all these sad events, while unfortunate, are not tragedies.

So how many people have to die in order to call something a tragedy? Well, it depends – and here is why …

A tragedy is not simply defined by dead bodies. It can be. But not necessarily. For something to truly be a tragedy, the event must affect a lot of people. It must leave a lasting impression. It may be a spiritual loss. A loss of money or property. A symbolic loss. Or a loss of innocence. And most of the time, a combination of a few.

Let me give you some familiar examples of tragedies and non-tragedies …

John Lennon’s death: TRAGEDY

Perfect example of how it’s not the amount of people who died, but rather who died. Lennon’s death counts as a tragedy because his music meant so much and touched millions of people across the world. His influence, both musically and socially, made a lot of people’s lives better. Lennon’s songs brought joy and smiles, and spoke of love and peace, and we all lost something when he was killed - even through it was only one death.

9/11: TRAGEDY

Obviously. I don’t think I need to explain why this counts a tragedy. But lets consult the tragedy checklist anyway …

Mass Loss of Life – Check
Unforgettable Images – Check
Passes the “Where were you when …” Test – Check
Symbolic Loss – Check
Defines a Period of Time – Check
Changed Many Lives Forever – Check
Part of National Consciousness – Check
Commemorate the Anniversary - Check

93’ World Trade Center Bombing: NOT A TRAGEDY

Anytime a terrorist act occurs, it’s a sad day. Yes, some people died, and the bomb destroyed a large part of the WTC parking garage, and scared a lot of people, but it serves more as a creepy foreshadow to 9/11 instead of a tragedy.

Challenger Disaster: TRAGEDY

Ask anyone between the ages of 28-38 and they will probably tell you a story about how their entire school was watching the Challenger launch when it exploded. For a lot of people in my age group, it’s the first major event they remember in their life. Add in the Cold War, the fact a school teacher was onboard and that the space program had much more national interest in ‘86 then it has nowadays, and the graphic images of the Challenger exploding across the sky – and it’s fairly easy to see how this was a tragedy that affected the entire nation.

Columbia Disaster: NOT A TRAGEDY

Challenger was the first space accident to happen on TV, in a time when people cared about the space shuttle program. By the time Columbia broke-up in the atmosphere early one morning, it was sad and unfortunate, but compared to impact that Challenger had on this country, no one was even all that shocked. In fact, the lack of “shock” by the American people caused NASA to reevaluate the entire space program and figure out what the hell they are doing. Not exactly a national tragedy.

Columbine: TRAGEDY

Sure there were other school shootings before Columbine, but Columbine changed everything. As a country we reevaluated our gun control laws, we took a closer look at bullying in school, whether schools should have metal detectors and video cameras installed, and wondered how the killers’ parents could have missed the warning signs. The images of the students frantically running from the school became burned into our collective memory. The tales of killers asking students if they “believe in God” before shooting them, became regular conversation topics and the subjects of many books. We even turned the word “Columbine” into a verb. After Columbine, high school in this country would never be the same – definitely a tragedy.

Oklahoma City Bombing: TRAGEDY

Not only an act of terrorism, but domestic terrorism. When everyone was sure it was a militant Muslim responsible for the bombing, it turned out it was Gulf War veteran from Kansas who was angry about the debacle in Waco, who terrorized Oklahoma City. Add in the picture of the firefighter carrying out the dead baby in his arms and the picture of the building ripped in two, in combination with how many adults and children died, and you have the most tragic act of domestic terrorism in our history.

So I hope these examples clarify what constitutes a tragedy and what doesn’t. Everyone needs to settle down and quit over-sensationalizing every bad thing that happens in the world. Death is part of life, and not every unforeseen death is a tragedy. Sometimes people die before they should. Sometimes innocent people die for no rhyme or reason. I am begging everyone to save the “unspeakable tragedy” verbiage for the events that are true tragedies.

Here is another way of looking at it. If you go around telling everyone you like, that you love them, it takes away the impact of when you say, “I love you” to someone and really mean it. Same thing with a tragedy.