Finding Forrest

Forrest Gump is a movie that vexes me. The movie was released in 94’, years before I really became a mature movie watcher. Back then, I didn’t know what a good movie was, and during that time, Forrest Gump topped my favorites list. When the movie originally came out, I saw it in the theatres several times and I was seriously rooting for the film during the Academy Awards while I was in Vegas (can you imagine me sitting in a Vegas hotel room watching the Oscars instead of being out on the Strip?). That year, Forrest Gump had to compete against one of my other favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption (though it wasn’t one of my favorites at the time) and Pulp Fiction.

But for some reason, Forrest Gump hasn’t held up very well over time. When I am asked what my favorite movies are, Forrest Gump has slipped from the top spot, to at least the 5 spot – trailing far behind: The Godfather, American Beauty, Adaptation and The Shawshank Redemption. So why did this classic American film slip so much? Was it the Forrest Gump-craze that swept the nation, not unlike the craze we would go through five years later with Titanic, that somehow detracted from the film’s quality and message? Was it a perceived lack of real-life, everyday themes? Was it just another role where Tom Hanks played the good guy? Was it being desensitized to the improbable events that made the movie so memorable in the first place? Was it too cute of a film to be taken seriously, despite winning Best Picture?

On Sunday afternoon, I sat down to critically watch Forrest Gump – to answer some of those questions and to once and for all figure out if this movie is deserving to be called one of my favorites, or one of those movies from my movie-watching-youth, that I thought was good, only to grow-up and realize the movie is terribly flawed.

Like I did with the birthday celebration last week, here is a running account of Forrest Gump …

- Ahh yes, the classic feather-dropping scene kicks off the movie, accompanied by the beautiful Forrest Gump Theme. Great start. I may have just spotted a few goosebumps on my arm.

- As Forrest sits at the bus stop, on that legendary park bench, he picks up the feather and opens up his suitcase. Thanks to the zoom button on the remote control to the DVD player, I am able to zoom-in and see what some the contents of Forrest’s suitcase are: his ping-pong paddle, his Bubba-Gump Shrimp hat, an I Love New York pin, a Fortune Magazine with him and Lt. Dan featured on the cover, and the Curious George book that he places the feather in.

- First memorable line on the movie, “life is like a box chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” One of the traits of a great movie is the ability to create memorable and quotable lines. While Forrest Gump doesn’t provide a lot of adult wisdom like, “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Or a lot of quotable humor like, “a little push-push in the bush.” It does have a surplus of dialog that has found a permanent home in the American language. Quite an accomplishment.

- We flashback to Forrest’s childhood … He is getting braces put on his legs while his family physician smokes in his face. Ahh, the good ole’ days when smoking was pretty much acceptable anywhere. Nothing says health better than a doctor smoking in the examination room. Of course back then, Johnny Carson smoked on-air while doing The Tonight Show and smoking was allowed on airplanes. Amazing what we didn’t know about smoking fifty years ago.

- I am quickly getting tired of the voiceovers. As the great Robert McKee once said, “God help you if you use voiceover! Any idiot can write character narration!” Hanks and Field are acting their brains out right now - there is no need to tell me what they are thinking and feeling – I can see that on their faces and in their performances.

Of course, three of my all-times favorite movies, Adaptation, The Shawshank Redemption and Goodfellas, all contain extended voiceover. I think the best way to use voiceover is to tell details of the plot/story that would be too long and unnecessary to explain in scenes, and avoid using it to explain characters emotions.

- In one of the more … um … how would you describe it? … unforgettable scenes, Mrs. Gump has sex with Forrest’s elementary school principal in order to get Forrest admitted into public school. I’m not a psychologist, but listening to your mom screw your school principal has to be seriously psychologically damaging, right? Of course, the way Forrest openly mocks the principal’s sex sounds/grunts after he proudly says to Forrest, “your momma sure does care about your schoolin’, son,” is classic.

- Moments later, Forrest asks Mrs. Gump what is “vacation,” and she replies by saying, “vacation is when you go somewhere, and you don’t ever come back.” Evidently, Mr. Gump left Forrest and Mrs. Gump, and Mrs. Gump’s explanation is to tell Forrest that his Dad went on “vacation.” Kinda a dangerous strategy. What happens later on in life when someone tells Forrest to take a vacation - it’s going to scare the crap out of him.

- In the first of a many run-ins with celebrities, Forrest meets Elvis Presley, who is staying at the Gump house. In the following scene, Mrs. Gump has sex with Elvis, and as he is leaving tells Forrest, “your momma sure does care about rock ‘n’ roll, son.”

- In one of the many heartwrenching/breaking scenes, Forrest rides the school bus for the first time only to be summarily rejected by all of his classmates. Ouch. For personal reasons, this scene hits a little too close to home. That’s all I have to say about that. Anyway, this is also where Forrest meets his destiny, Jenny. Jenny, like a true woman says, “are you stupid or something?” Which leads to memorable line #2, “Momma says, stupid is as stupid does.” Sounds like true love.

- Call me sappy, but I love the “peas and carrots” analogy.

- Despite Sally Field only being 10 years older than Tom Hanks, she is doing an exemplary job as his mother. To Forrest, his mother is larger than life and the source of all wisdom, and Field is just nailing the part.

- However, Forrest just remarked that, “Momma says miracles happen every day …” Dang it, it’s an oxymoron to say that miracles happen everyday! Almost by definition, miracles can’t happen everyday. Didn’t we just discuss this like two weeks ago!? I guess I need to forward my posting to the Gump’s. I take back what I just said about Sally Field.

- “Run Forrest, run!” 3rd memorable line of the movie. I wonder what Forrest runs the 40 in?

- Thanks again to the remote for the DVD player, I am able to watch the University of Alabama football sequences in super-slow motion. Turns out, when Forrest returns the kickoff for a touchdown, he avoids 15 defenders from the opposing team. For those of you who don’t follow football, each team has 11 players on the field. The fact that Forrest just returned a kickoff against 15 players IS a miracle.

After the game, Mrs. Gump has sex with Alabama head football coach, Paul “Bear’ Bryant, even though Forrest has a full-ride football scholarship to the university. As the coach leaves, he tells Forrest, “your momma sure does care about special teams, son.”

- In another awkward sex scene, after touching Jenny’s breasts, Forrest inadvertently ejaculates all over Jenny’s roommate’s bathrobe. Welcome to college dorm life! Afterwards, Forrest remarks that he is “dizzy” and needs a sandwich.

- All-American football player Forrest Gump heads to White House to meet JFK. While Forrest is chugging Dr. Peppers, Mrs. Gump heads into the Oval Office and seduces the president. As JFK leaves the East Wing, he tells Forrest, “your momma sure does care about the Cuban missile crisis, son.”

- After college graduation, Forrest is cornered by Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, who convince him to join the Army and head to Iraq. On the Army bus, Forrest meets his new best friend Bubba Bush, who tells him how much he like shrimp as Forrest corrects his grammar and tells him how to pronounce the word, “nuclear.”

All joking aside, the supporting characters gives this film a lot of its life. While Hanks gives his normal A+ Hanks performance and Forrest’s charm is endearing, and the cameos and historical references are interesting; Bubba, Momma Gump and Lt. Dan are the glue that holds the film together. Bubba’s simplicity, sincerity and childlike friendship, Momma Gump’s unconditional love and Lt. Dan’s anger and pain, are what adds context to Forrest’s almost fairytale like, though inspirational, stories. Without them, we have no contrast to Forrest’s innocent world. If Mykelti Williamson, Sally Field and Gary Sinise don’t dominate in those roles, we lose the emotional impact of film, and it unequivocally comes across as hokey.

(I also think that it’s the strength of the supporting roles that separates a really good movie from a great movie. For example, without stellar performances by the Fitt’s next door, the Real Estate King and Angela Hayes, American Beauty loses way too much of everything to be considered a great movie. Same with Fredo, Sonny, Luca Brasi, Tessio, Clemenza and Tom Hagen in The Godfather. Or Brooks, Warden Norton, Hadley, Bogs and Tommy in The Shawshank Redemption. While it’s obviously important to have the right people in the lead roles, often the supporting roles is what gives the film its character (pun intended). To further illustrate this point, lets look at an example from professional sports. While the Bulls absolutely needed Michael Jordan on the team to win their championships, it was the emergence of Scottie Pippen, in combination with the supporting performances from Steve Kerr, Dennis Rodman, John Paxson, Horace Grant and Bill Cartwright that took the Bulls from a good team to a dynasty. That same philosophy applies to movies.)

Back to the movie …

- During basic training, some of Forrest’s Army buddies masturbate to a picture of Jenny in Playboy. Poor Forrest, that one had to hurt.

- In one of my favorite scenes, before being sent to Vietnam, Forrest goes to visit Jenny who is “performing” at a local “venue.” Of course, the “venue” is a strip club and Jenny is singing prior to stripping. Forrest totally ignores all of those rather large and important details and instead views the setting and circumstances as Jenny’s dream of being a folk singer coming to fruition.

I have to admit every time I watch this scene I can’t help but be envious of Forrest’s optimism. Okay, maybe his 75 IQ doesn’t allow him to see past the things that us normal adults do , but the ability to overlook or ignore all the ugliness that is surrounding Jenny in the name of love is admirable. Wouldn’t it be great if we were able to do that in similar situations?

- You know you are watching a movie about Vietnam when the song, “Fortunate Son” is playing while viewing footage of helicopters flying over a jungle.

- One of the more interesting debates that surrounds Forrest Gump is who is smarter, Bubba or Forrest? On one hand, Bubba knows everything there is to know about the shrimping business, but Forrest may not be a smart man, but he does know what love is. I think I’ll tackle this debate in a future posting.
- During the Vietnam sequences, two songs play that have great beginnings before anything is sung: “For What It’s Worth” by Buffalo Springfield and “Turn! Turn! Turn!” by The Byrds.

- Okay last time I will make this joke … Mrs. Gump flies to Vietnam and has sex with Ho Chi Minh. As he leaves the tent, he says to Forrest, “your momma sure does care about ending this war, son.” Okay, I’m done with that joke now.

- Forrest gets shot in the ass, Forrest saves Lt. Dan, Bubba dies, Jenny doesn’t receive any of Forrest’s letters (at this point I think we can actually hear Forrest’s heart breaking on film … or at least mine breaking for him), Forrest gets awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, Forrest learns he’s a savant when it comes to ping-pong and is sent back home to States.

Whew. A lot just happened. Most movies slow down and lose pacing in the middle of the second act, not this film.

- Forrest delivers a powerful, yet silent address at an anti-war rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. According to IMDB.com, this is what Forrest says after the speakers are unplugged and we can no longer hear him talking, “Sometimes when people go to Vietnam, they go home to their mommas without any legs. Sometimes they don't go home at all. That's a bad thing. That's all I have to say about that."

- Forrest finds his way to New York and into the company of a bitter and legless Lt. Dan. When Forrest tells Lt. Dan his plans of becoming a shrimp boat captain, he responds by saying the day that happens, is the day he’ll be an astronaut. In a related story, both Tom Hanks and Gary Sinise’s next film is Apollo 13.

- Lt. Dan thanks Forrest for saving his life in a nearly flawless scene. What detracts from the scene is the voiceover. Lt. Dan jumps off the boat and into the water to make his peace with God. Gary Sinise is in the acting-zone right now and it’s pretty obvious why he is swimming. We didn’t need Forrest to tell us – the scene would have played better with just the musical score in the background and the sight of Lt. Dan swimming.

- Momma Gump dies of cancer leaving Forrest even more alone. His best-friend Bubba has died, so has his mom, and Jenny is off in California getting beat-up by drug abusers and doing lines of cocaine. Something tells me that Forrest would trade his millions of dollars in wealth for just one of those people to be back in his life. I can’t help but wonder how many people would sacrifice their best-friend or their true love, to never have to worry about money again and be obscenely rich? In fact, at this point in the story, Jenny is one of those people.

- Jenny finds her way back to Forrest again. It’s amazing how in life, just as in film, how certain people are destined to be part of your life forever. Anyway, Jenny and Forrest continue to strengthen their relationship, which climaxes when Forrest proposes to Jenny on the Fourth of July. Jenny, not realizing what she has and undeserving of Forrest’s unconditional love, quickly rejects him.

That night, she has sex with Forrest, as I bite my tongue not to make any ill-timed 40-Year Old Virgin jokes. Jenny, learning from the success of this technique earlier in the film decides to run away from Forrest again. “Run Jenny, run!”
- At the end of The Godfather, Part II, Michael is all alone; and there is a scene with him sitting outside of his house with this just amazing look on his face as he reflects on his life and how he got to where he is. After Jenny leaves Forrest for the fifty-fourth time, Forrest sports the exact same look. The difference is that Michael got what he deserved, Forrest didn’t. (Side note: Forrest Gump and The Godfather, Part II are probably both Hanks and Pacino’s best performances)

- Forrest’s heartbreak leads to the most controversial part of the movie - the running sequence. Forrest Gump comes in at over 3+ hours and if there is a part of the film that drags, this is it. It’s necessary because it gives Forrest time to heal from Jenny’s wounds, and losing everyone in his life that meant anything to him (except for Lt. Dan), and it gives him something to do on a daily basis. At this point in his life, Forrest doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t need to work, and can only cut the grass so many times in a week – so it’s obvious he needs something to fill his time - and that is what his running does.

Interestingly, both Jenny and Forrest need to run during this time in the movie in order to heal and find there way back to each other, and eventually conclude their love story. Jenny metaphorically runs while Forrest literally runs.

While the running scenes are relevant, creating the “Shit Happens” bumper sticker and the “Have a Nice Day’ t-shirt are totally unnecessary. At this point in the story, we already appreciate how Forrest, an ordinary man with very few god-given gifts, takes those limitations and parlays them into personal, and often time historical, victories. What the film should be focusing on instead is the completion of Forrest and Jenny’s love story and their character arcs. Forrest’s place in history is secure, lets not waste time on gimmicky ideas that are unnecessary in furthering along the story.

- So finally, Forrest and Jenny are reunited one last time and we learn that Forrest is the father of Jenny’s young son. In what is the most moving and emotional scene of the entire movie, Forrest terrifyingly and reluctantly asks Jenny if Forrest, Jr. is smart or dumb. I swear, I almost cry every time I watch this scene. Not wanting his son to experience the same struggle, pain and ridicule that he did, is just perfectly acted by Hanks and is a poignant glimpse into the character’s heart. Shortly after, destiny is fulfilled and Jenny’s life is redeemed, as Forrest and Jenny finally get married. Also during this time, Lt. Dan’s journey to happiness is complete, as we learn he now has a new fiancée and new prosthetic legs, both allow him to walk upright again (the warm look Lt. Dan and Forrest share prior to the wedding parallels in greatness only to the look Ray Kinsella and his father share at the end of Field of Dreams).
Of course the final tragedy of Forrest and Jenny is that their time spent as a married couple is too short – for Jenny is dying of … well, we don’t know, but it’s strongly suggested she is dying of AIDS. This time though, Forrest is not left alone, as he now has the greatest and most literal symbol of Jenny and his love, as he is left with Forrest Jr. to raise.

So what’s my conclusion about Forrest Gump?

I can’t help but think that reason Forrest Gump hasn’t held up over time is because we were oversaturated by Forrest Gump-mania – the Bubba-Gump hats and t-shirts that lined every Blockbuster for about two years, the Bubba-Gump chain restaurants, the simple, yet easily repeatable dialog that became an essential part of our everyday vocabulary for about a year – the movie was so popular and was freakin’ everywhere you looked, that you never got time to sit back and appreciate the film for what it is.

Robin Wright’s performance as Jenny has to be one of the most underrated lead performances in movie history – she wasn’t even nominated for an Academy Award – and Jodie Foster in Nell and Susan Sarandon in The Client were – yikes (does anyone even remember those films?). Jenny’s life is the opposite of Forrest – unloved by her parents, attractive, smart, missed countless opportunities to do the right thing, typical flower-power girl of the 60’s, and so much wasted potential. And Robin Wright nails Jenny’s tragic descent and eventual salvation flawlessly.

AFI released their top 100 love stories last year and Forrest Gump didn’t even make the list – don’t worry though, Roxanne and The American President did. In perusing that list, I noticed that too many “great” love stories are flash-in-the-pan romances. Like in Titanic, Jack and Rose know each other for less than a week. In Pretty Woman, Edward and Vivian only know each other for about six days. In Sleepless In Seattle, Sam and Annie know each other for about 15 minutes. Truly great love stories in movies are those that are more substantial, like in When Harry Met Sally; Harry and Sally are friends for 10 years prior to falling in love. Or in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Holly and Paul are friends for some time before they begin their romance. And in Forrest Gump, Jenny and Forrest wait more than 25 years before they get married. I think these movies are stronger, more meaningful love stories because they closely resemble the great loves in our own lives. I can’t think of a single person who fell in love over the course of a week, but I know dozens of people who married their best friend.

I still love Forrest Gump as much today as I did when I saw some 10+ years ago – but I love it for different reasons now. Before I loved it because it was an inspirational tale about a below average, sometimes funny, sometimes wise, guy who lives an extraordinary life and plays an active part in some of the most interesting events in our history, with some of the most interesting historical figures; all the time maintaining his innocence and optimism. While I still feel that way, what I love now are the relationships. The way Forrest and Lt. Dan look at each other at Forrest’s wedding, marking the end of their long journey. The way Mrs. Gump used her special perspective to try to make Forrest’s life more normal, “if God had intended all of us to be the same, he would have given us all braces on our legs.” The way Bubba and Forrest lean on each other in Vietnam so neither of them have to sleep with their heads in the mud. And of course, Forrest and Jenny. Maybe I am more sensitive to their story because of issues that are going on in my life or maybe I am just getting old, but there is something wonderful about a love that despite all their differences and obstacles, and despite Jenny’s tendency to drift in and out of Forrest’s life, not realizing what they shared - that despite all of that, they were still destined to be together. I think that's pretty cool.

And ... That’s all I have to say about that.

(PS – I promise my next post will be much shorter!)

Partying Like It’s Your Birthday

On Saturday night a large group of us went out to celebrate our friend’s/Ryan’s girlfriend, Bryn’s birthday. Armed with a little black notebook and a pen the size of a miniature golf pencil, I kept a running journal of the night’s events (while looking like a total weirdo the entire time – who takes notes in a club?). And this is what transpired …

- We are coming to you live from Denver’s new bar/club, The Donkey Den. Just to give you a little history, The Donkey Den has been the source of some controversy here in Denver recently. Evidently, in Tijuana, a "donkey den" refers to a brothel where men pay to see women have sex with animals and often participate in the sexual slavery of girls (some as young as 8). Yikes. I guess they won’t be having any 18-and under nights or bring-your-pet-to-the-bar nights anytime soon. Their menu also used to include such items as “Ho-Made Fries" and "Donkey Punch" burgers. Apparently, some people took exception to those names - especially the “Donkey Punch,” which is when during doggystyle sexual activity, a man punches his female partner as hard as he can in the back of the skull right before he reaches climax. This causes her to convulse and tighten every cavity. Such a punch is also an illegal boxing move that can cause serious and permanent injury to the brain stem.

Realizing their mistakes and feeling like total jackasses, The Donkey Den removed those items from their menu and now they regularly meet with leaders of anti-violence and women's advocacy groups here in Denver to exchange ideas about how the club can play a positive role in the community. Good recovery, guys.

- As Ryan, Bryn, Amy and I walk in to The Donkey Den, Ryan and I quickly spot a bachelorette party on the patio. Wow, that was easy – streak continues.

- Ryan orders the first drinks of the night (not counting the Smirnoff Ice I had at the house while watching the last few minutes of TiVo’d show called, “Superhuman Powers.” Nothing gets a birthday celebration off to a better start than a Smirnoff Ice and a show from the Discovery Channel), and quickly observes that instead of giving him a vodka-tonic, he receives a vodka-vodka, with a hint of tonic. Ryan proudly remarks that the bartender is pouring drinks “like a champion” and that he is going to need superhuman powers to not to be drunk by 10:45.

- Ryan gives the bartender his credit card to start a tab, and she inexplicably starts dry-humping and dancing with Ryan’s credit card. That was really weird. I guess she was overly excited to see what Ryan’s credit max is? I later suggest to Ryan that he wash-off his credit card and probably not put it too close to his nose.

- Our friend Jasmine (and fellow blogger) arrives wearing 1/3 of shirt. Quickly, the betting lines go out on the “over/under” on what time it will be the first time someone sees Jasmine’s nipple – I confidently take the “under” and put $20 on 11:07.

- Jasmine has now been at The Donkey Den about 12 minutes and has had to answer 71 questions about whether that’s her bra sticking out of the front of her shirt and whether she wore that shirt on purpose. Poor Jasmine.

- More of Bryn’s friends arrive including a group that contains at least 3 deviations of the name Lucas. Yeah, that won’t be confusing later on when everyone’s drunk. On the plus side, calling someone Lucas gives you a 50/50 chance of being right - kinda like calling a gangster Vinny or Rocco.

- Bryn-the-birthday-girl just had her first shot of the night. Happy 22nd birthday, Bryn. A buzzed Ryan prophetically tells me that he had a shot, too and that in hindsight it probably wasn’t a good idea.

- One the Lucas-es, donning a pink shirt, heads immediately over to Jasmine’s breasts for a conversation. I doubt this Lucas could pick Jasmine’s face out of a lineup but would have no problem telling me how many freckles she has on her chest.
- Pink-shirt-Lucas just put his arm around Jasmine for the 32nd time in 8 minutes - must be some sort of record.

- On the way to the bathroom, I spot one of those clear/plastic-strap bras that are suppose to be invisible. I have to admit, I am not a fan. One, they are never invisible and two, they look terrible. I’m sorry, but I think they look kinda of trashy. There is just something unattractive about clear, plastic straps taking the place of a normal bra strap. Not to mention, the clear plastic reflects a lot of light, so you’re not really “hiding” your strap anyway. Are there people out there who actually complain about seeing bra straps? Seems like the bra-strap problem is a small issue that really didn’t need to be fixed in the first place… sort-of like Iraq.

- Bryn just got happily dragged to the bar for another shot and has finally reached double digits in terms of the number of shots she has taken tonight - this time I think it was tequila. It’s still pretty early and Bryn weighs about 101 pounds – this might end badly for her. I think she’s the only one who is drunk so far.
- Ryan just loudly declared, “I’m plowed!” Correction, Ryan’s drunk too.

- Just glanced at my cell phone and it’s only 10:43. Wow. Bryn has had as many shots as there are Lucas’ in the club, and Ryan is only on his sixth vodka-vodka. Both look excessively giddy – like Ron Burgundy after Baxter saves him from the bears at the end of Anchorman.

- Out of nowhere, one of Bryn’s friends suddenly appears dressed like Alabama from True Romance. Wait, on second thought, no she isn't. I have no idea why I just wrote that down. Am I drunk? Anyway, I guess I will take this time to say that I don’t get the appeal of kung-fu. The Kill Bill movies were okay, but for the most part I find kung-fu painfully boring – like watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But some people freakin’ love kung-fu, why? What is so damn entertaining about kung-fu? How can anyone sit through a kung-fu marathon or schedule time in their daily routine to watch that stuff? I need to have someone explain this to me because I’m perplexed and baffled. I would even go so far as to say I hate kung-fu. There it is, I said it.

- I just took some time to wander around The Donkey Den by myself and people-watch. Always a good time. Which brings me to my next observation - nothing spells classy like a ragged white, wife-beater and black bra. I bet I can guess what that girl’s teeth look like.

- When you decide to wear a sports jersey to a club, what criteria do you use to pick-out the jersey?

“Let’s see – should I go with my Kobe Bryant jersey? Nah. I don’t want girls thinking about date-rape. What about my vintage Wilt Chamberlin jersey? Didn’t he sleep with like 10,000 women? Probably should pass. OJ? No. Barry Bonds? He did take steroids and I am pretty sure I read somewhere that those make your balls shrink, so NO! Magic Johnson? No, he has AIDS from sleeping around with groupies. Michael Jordan? Perfect. Who doesn’t like Michael Jordan? Classy. A winner. Good looking. I can attract girls from Illinois. Perfect.

Now, should I go with the home or away jersey? I am always being told how the home-whites always bring out my eyes …”

- Just spotted two guys fully enjoying the clever t-shirt trend.

(On a related note, where’s Jasmine when I need her? Jasmine has “met” at least two boys while we have been out – on previous nights - who were wearing clever t-shirts. She seems to have a serious weak spot for boys in t-shirts that read, “I Like Girls That Like Girls.” Guys who wear shirts like that are definitely the type of men you would want to have a relationship with and take home to meet your family. Jasmine is single, by the way.)

Oh! Just found Jasmine - Pink-Shirt-Lucas is still clutching and grabbing her – like a defensive back trying to commit pass-interference. I guess she’ll have to wait for another night to meet a man in a “One Night Stands Welcome” t-shirt. Oh-well.

Speaking of clever t-shirts, I want to create a line of successful clever t-shirts. I always see shirts that say something like, “Born Again Loser.” Instead, I want to produce a line of shirts that say, “I Have a Fully-Vested 401(k).” Or, “I Get Three Weeks Paid Vacation.” Or “I Have Business Cards and Medical and Dental Insurance.” You would think girls would rather go for guys in a shirt reading, “I am a Salaried Employee” instead of a man in a shirt that states, “I Lie to Girls.”

I need to make this idea happen so I can wear a shirt that says, “I am a Millionaire.”

- Top sign a guy is meeting a girl for the first time: he shakes her hand (otherwise he would hug her), stares at her breasts, smiles, glances at her chest again and then begins to participate in the conversation.

- A random guy just asked Jasmine and her boobs what he can get for $20, while Pink-Shirt-Lucas glares at the random guy the way McDonald’s employees glare at you when you ask for additional barbeque sauce for your nuggets.

- Our Hispanic-friend Joe joins the group and talks uninterrupted for two minutes – which allows me to say, “I don’t understand what you’re saying … I don’t speak Spanish.” Hilarity ensues (Joe was speaking plain English). I have been waiting to use that classic quote from Anchorman in a real conversation for the longest time. If I make that joke to the wrong person, I end up getting beat like a Democrat trying to win Kansas’ electoral votes, so luckily, Joe was a good sport.

- Ryan and I just got flipped-off by our friend Julie. Have no idea why. But I would like to say that just like wearing a black bra underneath a white shirt, or wearing a bra with plastic straps; girls flipping someone off is really unattractive, un-lady-like and trashy. Don’t mean to pick on you girls, but you ladies as a gender should really try to stop using your middle finger. Just a thought.

- I just noticed some of the men in our group are experiencing male-patterned baldness. I have to admit, I am terrified of going bald. With my big head, can you imagine what I would be like with no hair? Ugh. If I go bald, the only bar I am going to be getting action in will be the bar from Star Wars.

- A random drunk guy just did a goal line-like jump into Ryan, me and 4 of the Lucas-es. Like a true drunkard, he spilt some of our drinks, didn’t apologize and moved on. Considering how much room this guy had to walk-by us, I suspiciously check my pants to make sure I didn’t just get pick-pocketed.

- Ryan, showing the heart of a warrior, wisely switches from vodka-vodkas to water. On the fly, he creates the one water:one vodka/vodka ratio to be instituted for the remainder of the evening. A true stroke of genius. Only a wise and tenured drinking man has that type of drinking foresight. Just beautiful.

On a related note, Bryn just had her 20th-something shot and is beginning to make the same face athletes make after suffering a massive concussion.
- A drunk Ryan stumbles up to me and remarks, “Jasmine is hooking-up with a Carmelo Anthony look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- One of the Lucas-es and his fiancée, Rose, start grinding in front of me and Ryan. As she is dancing, Rose mentions to all of us that she is sore, which somehow spirals into an unsettling conversation about using Ben-Gay as a lubricant. Yikes. It was at this point that Lucas joined-in on the dialog, as a petrified Rose ran for cover. Lucas chimes-in by openly wondering what Ben-Gay on the balls might feel like. Freakin’ hilarious. Astonished, Ryan and I are rendered speechless and promise never to talk about this topic again.

- More of Bryn’s friends arrive and we quickly learn that they went/go to Kansas State University. I shift into the obligatory anti-Kansas State jokes like, “you went to KState? What did you do, lose a bet?” “I could have gone to KState but my SAT scores were too high.” “You must look really good in purple.” And of course, “you can’t spell suck without KSU.” The KState’ers have no idea what to say in response to my playful barbs. I was waiting for them to say to me, “I don’t understand what you’re saying, I don’t speak English.” Instead, they give me the same blank look the people in Men in Black have on their faces after they had their minds erased by the deneuralizer.

Besides that, they seem like really nice people.

- Ryan stumbles up to me again and says, “Jasmine’s now hooking-up with a Kobe Bryant look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- The bathrooms at The Donkey Den are a bit confusing – “heads” and “tails.” It may make common anatomical sense to a sober person that the men are “heads” and the ladies are “tails,” but when you’re drunk, it’s a coin-toss.

- Does anyone know why a Sex on the Beach shot is called Sex on the Beach? It’s probably just a funny name or someone commemorating a sexual experience they had on the beach. But if it’s the latter, I am totally jealous. What a legacy to leave behind! I want to name a shot after one of my memorable experiences … like an Impala Rain Storm, or an Orlando Hot Tub, or a Hays Grass-stain.

- Bryn’s friend and boss, Hillary, arrives on the scene showing off her fully-functional fun-extinguisher. Luckily, we are assured that she is much more fun when she’s drunk. Great! We quickly point Hillary in the direction of our KState Wildcat friends.

- In the midst of a conversation, Ryan inadvertently drunk-spits in Rose’s Lucas’ face. Lucas, being a good sport because that tends to happen when alcohol is involved, immediately starts making fun of Ryan, only to accidentally smack Julie’s drink out of her hand and spill it all over the floor. Good times. The look on Julie’s face after this happened is the same look you get when you find out you just drank milk that expired a week ago.

- Hillary just disappeared with a guy wearing a suit, which causes Ryan to use the second great Anchorman quote of the night, “it’s so damn hot! Wearing a suit was a bad choice.”

- The DJ just put on the ever-popular dance-club song, “Billy Jean” by Michael Jackson. Do you people know what this song is about? If so, I really doubt you would be rushing to the dance floor to get-jiggy-wit-it. “Billy Jean” is about a guy who meets a girl on the dance floor, they have sex, she has a son, he denies it’s his kid, she takes him to court and then he sees a picture of the boy and realizes the kid has his eyes. Call me crazy, but is that really the type of song you want to celebrate when you are meeting girls at a club, dancing with them and possibly scoring with them later on? Is this really the area you want to temp fate and irony?

- Ryan stumbles up to me again and says, “Jasmine’s now hooking-up with a Shaquille O’Neal look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- As the night starts to wind-down, Bryn is getting attention from about six friends trying to prevent her from puking and/or passing out. Always a sign of a successful birthday celebration. The way they are working on Bryn looks as if they are trying to diffuse a bomb. I think I just overheard Ryan telling Rose to be careful not to cross the green wire with the yellow wire.

- Pink-Shirt-Lucas is contemplating a way of kidnapping Jasmine’s breast and Jasmine without any legal implications. I think he just challenged the Shaquille O’Neal look-alike to game of HORSE for the rights to take home Jasmine’s chest.

- End of the night planning suddenly starts to occur everywhere: who is driving who home? Who needs prophylactics? Who needs saving or beer goggles? Who needs help walking out to the car? Who can find the missing the parts to Jasmine’s shirt? Why does Julie keep asking Rose’s Lucas about Ben-Gay?

- The night was polished off with some great late-night pizza. With all due respect to Taco Bell, McDonalds and Philly cheese steaks, pizza is the king of all drunk food. If I was going to get executed for a crime after a night of drinking, my last meal would definitely be two slices of pepperoni from Pyramid Pizza.

Sorry if this got a little lengthy, but this is the first time I tried the whole journal-thing, so if people like it, I’ll do it again for other events. And I’ll try to keep it a little bit shorter next time.

I Love Poetry

I received some more Christian SPAM - a wonderful Christian poem. And I thought every one might want to read it.

I think I’ll respond as the poem goes along ... (my comments will be in black, original comments in blue).

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule

(For the millionth time, prayer in school is not against the rules. A Christian can pray 10,000 times per day without consequence. What is against the rules, is making your schoolmate-friend Muhammad join you in praying to Jesus Christ before or during third period French class. Is this such a hard concept to grasp? Seriously. Christians, pray as much as you want in class, do you really need an announced prayer-time, like in church, in order to pray at school? No one is telling you to stop praying - what we are saying is quit requiring all the Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, Atheists, Taoist, and everyone else to join in you in praying to Jesus. A little religious tolerance and sensitivity to other’s beliefs would be a nice change of pace.)

For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.

(Not true. Biblical scripture is welcome in a religious studies class and in the hallways of your public school. Where it is inappropriate is during biology, English and algebra. If someone was assigning required reading from the Bible during English Lit class, then that would be a violation of the 1st Amendment. See the difference? In fact, as a student, you are more than welcome to read your Bible at school. It is your right to read your Bible at school, provided it doesn’t interfere with your education or the education of fellow students.)

And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

(For the millionth and one time, bow your head and pray as much as you like – just stop requiring everyone else to join you. What’s the old adage, “misery likes company?” I’m sorry that was harsh – just a joke.)

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

(A little closer to the truth, but still not 100% accurate. You and your classmates can pray at school, before a test or in the halls (remember how every school has a Bible club or a prayer vigil by the flagpole, for instance?), but your prayers, aloud or silent, cannot interfere or disrupt the educational experience of other students, nor can you require the other students to participate or have the school organize such prayers.)

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.

(Obviously practicing religious sensitivity is a serious issue that must be put to a stop. We definitely don’t want that - especially since our Founding Fathers were escaping religious persecution. What we need to do is require people of non-Christian faith and people of no faith to pray to Jesus.

And again, not to beat a dead horse (what a weird cliché that is), but you can pray in a public hall – just don’t have the state sponsor your prayer. I am pretty sure it doesn’t say in the Bible that public prayer to Jesus needs to be sponsored by the government. In fact, the Bible does say that Christians should be obedient to laws of where they live ... Hmmm ... I guess that Bible teaching doesn't apply to the laws of the US, otherwise Christians would stop pushing this agenda.)

In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

(Actually, profanity and/or abusive language is not allowed in most publicly-funded buildings, including courthouses and schools. Considering piercings regularly have religious and cultural significance, it’s interesting that the Christian author of this poem would consider that freaky. Plus, dressing like a “freak”, coloring your hair purple, or piercing a body part does not equal immorality, as the author subtly suggests.)

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

(Last time I checked, guns weren’t outlawed in the US. Remember the Second Amendment? There are certain assault weapons and bullets that are illegal, but nothing that prohibits the right to bear arms that is given in the Bill of Rights. Quoting the “Good Book” in school doesn’t make you liable of a civil rights violation, either. Quote scripture as much as you want in your classroom discussions (provided it’s relevant to the discussion) and graduation speeches, just don’t make others do it or have the school sponsor it. Quick aside, if everyone was required to worship Jesus, do Christians really want non-believers faking their faith anyway?)

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

(Who ever said teaching right from wrong was inappropriate? Regardless, the Bible isn’t the only source of moral code and teachings. In fact, most of the values stated in the Bible are not unique to the Bible and did not originate in the Bible, either. Biblical values are shared by almost every other religion in the world and were practiced and documented long before the Old Testament. Confucius taught the Golden Rule as a basis for our conscience hundreds of years before it was found in The Bible. Forcing every American to worship the Christian God is not a necessary component of teaching right and wrong. )

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

(Not killing, not stealing, and other values promoted in the Ten Commandments are found in almost every other religion and are practiced by Atheists, too. Many countries that have lower crime rates, lower teen pregnancy rates and don’t have school shootings, don’t practice the teachings of The Bible. Given the poem’s/Christian’s arguments, how is that possible? Our First Amendment exists to prevent our country from being oppressive to those with diverse viewpoints, including Christianity. Why are there Christians against this?)

If you aren't ashamed to do this, please pass this on.
Jesus said, " if you are ashamed of me," I will be ashamed of you before my Father.." Not ashamed. Passing this on

Have a great weekend!

Not Easy Being Cheesy

Sorry for the long delay in-between postings. I’ve been off doing research for an essay I am writing, that I will eventually post on here, and sadly it’s slowed down my ability to write as much as I would like. My apologies.

What the hell is a bygone? The phrase “let bygones be bygones” is a weird one because no one ever uses the word bygone unless you are saying to let the bygone be bygone. Have you ever head someone say, “I remember the bygone time when you and I were driving a Chevrolet Impala and had the pull the car over because it was raining so hard.” Of course not. Very strange phenomenon. There must be other words that only get matched up with a certain phrase. If anyone can think of some, please let me know.

When I was kid, I thought a wheelbarrow was a wheelbarrel. Also, I thought it was “all intensive purposes” for a long time, before learning it was actually, “all intents and purposes.”

Ever notice on The Real World how all the cast members refer to their time on the show as an “experience.”

- I hope to learn a lot from this ‘experience.’
- I hope to meet an actual gay person or a minority during this ‘experience.’
- I hope I don’t catch an infectious STD during this ‘experience.’

Ryan and I were watching MTV’s Laguna Beach on Monday night … Remember that drinking game where you would watch a movie like Fargo, and every time someone in the movie said something like “oh, you betcha” or “yeaaah” you would have to do a shot? Well, if Ryan and I had been playing that game on Monday every time they said “hook-up” on Laguna Beach, we would both be at Denver General Hospital getting our stomachs pumped and suffering from alcohol poisoning right now. Seriously, we need to find a new phrase for hooking-up besides hooking-up. The phrase “hooking-up” is to teenagers what “fughetaboutit” is to gangsters.

Q: What’s better, a Lincoln or a Cadillac?
A: Both are hooked-up.

Q: Who’s hotter, Jessica Simpson or Scarlett Johansson?
A: I’d hook-up with both of them.

Q: What’s the weather suppose to like tomorrow?
A: I’ll hook-up with weather.com and check the forecast.

On Saturday I went to McDonalds to grab some good anti-hangover medicine in the name of a Big Mac combo. As I drove around the building towards the drive-thru, I pulled-up behind a fully-loaded red mini-van. And I don’t mean fully-loaded as in it had power windows, a sunroof and cruise control. I mean it was fully loaded with about 7 people. Right then, I knew I was in for a really long wait.

Is there a worse drive-thru feeling than being right behind a car that you know has a ridiculously large order that is going to take a long time to speak into the little drive-thru speaker, for the order-taker to actually get the order right, for the restaurant to make the food, give it to the waiting vehicle (always a few bags worth of food and a tray-full of drinks) and then have the car-load make sure they got all the right food and then ask for condiments, extra napkins and straws?

(Before anyone says anything, there was a bus-load of people inside the McDonalds, so going in to get my food and getting it to-go was not an option)

For those of you who have read The DiVinci Code, is anyone else a little uneasy about Tom Hanks being cast as Robert Langdon in Ron Howard’s upcoming movie? I love Tom Hanks as much as anyone – I still get mad that he didn’t win Best Actor for Saving Private Ryan and that blabbering idiot Roberto Benigni won for Life is Beautiful (who could forget that monumental performance? Somehow Roberto also beat Edward Norton in American History X?) – but I just didn’t see Tom Hanks in my mind when I visualized Robert Langdon. I hope Hanks proves me wrong because I am really looking forward to the film adaptation, and with his resume he definitely deserves the benefit of the doubt, but I still can't shake the skeptical feeling about his casting. It doesn’t help that Tom’s last two movies were The Terminal and Ladykillers, either.

(I just learned that Russell Crowe was considered for the role of Robert Langdon … my gut tells me that may have been a better choice – time will tell. Oh, and Paul Bettany of Beautiful Mind and Wimbledon fame was cast as the albino redhead, Silas! I definitely didn’t picture him in that role, but now I get to make, “tell him you’re the Holy Grail! Tell em’ you’re a genius, Robert,” jokes throughout the whole movie.)

One more thing about The DiVinci Code, I bet $100 right now that the movie will be 3+ hours in length.

Isn’t brushing your teeth after you have eaten Oreo cookies really, really disgusting? Seriously, does your toothbrush ever look grosser than after you have downed a half dozen Double-Stuff Oreo’s? I would be happy with my life’s legacy if I could somehow rid the world of nasty post-Oreo-eating toothbrushes and figure out a way for Cheetos to not leave that neon-orange residue on your fingers after eating a bag. I would wager that if the Cheeto-People included a moist towelette (like they do at KFC) that sales would increase 7-12%.

The Cheetoo-People don’t realize they are inadvertently limiting the times in my life when I can eat Cheetos. For instance, because of the neon-orange residue, I cannot eat Cheetos and operate a car. Why? Because you can’t get all that stuff off your fingers unless you wash your hands (and licking that stuff off your fingers is just wrong), and I am certainly not getting that gunk on the radio buttons, the climate control buttons or on the inner-thigh of the girl sitting next to me. So that eliminates Cheetos from road trips. You can’t eat Cheetos and read a book – you don’t want to leave orange stains on the pages. You can’t eat them at social events – no one wants to shake hands with Chester-the-Cheetah. You can’t commit a crime and eat Cheetos – can you imagine the CSI or Forensic File episode with a criminologist pulling Cheeto fingerprints from the scene of a crime? You can’t even work and eat Cheetos – who wants that orange crap all over their mouse and keyboard?

All of these problems could be easily eliminated with the inclusion of a moist towelette in every bag. The additional cost of including a moist towelette would be negated by the increased sales to people who can now eat Cheetos while having thumb-wars, giving full-body massages, playing cards, working in laboratories and of course on the Space Shuttle.

I really need to put in charge of Frito-Lay.

No Need to Panic

“I don’t like talking about things I did in the past or the things I’ve done.”

Tonya from ‘Kill Reality’ and ‘Real World: Chicago’ redundantly talking and speaking about her personal life.

Monday’s short posting certainly generated a lot of emails, phone calls and comments. I didn’t realize that talking about childbirth and my personal life would cause such a stir. I feel like I should have released my blog through Al-Jazeera or something. Anyway, I want to clarify two things:

First – I understand how amazing childbirth is, but that still doesn’t qualify it as a miracle. The definition of a miracle is, “an event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin.” How does childbirth qualify when it’s easily explainable by the laws of nature and certainly isn’t supernatural? If I had a dollar for every time I heard the, “when you have kids you’ll understand,” comment between now and Monday, I wouldn’t have to play PowerBall. Listen, I get the point that childbirth is a life-altering event, just not a miraculous one.

Here are some examples of real miracles:

- God turning water into wine.
- 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team.
- George Bush’s re-election.
- Me getting a date during my high school days.
- Las Vegas.
- “Walking in Memphis” singer Marc Cohn getting shot in the head after a concert in Denver this week, having a bullet lodged into his head and not dying. Actually the miraculous part is not the shooting, but rather that Marc Cohn was performing in a concert that people paid to attend.

On a related note, just as every birth isn't a miracle, every death is not a tragedy. Everyday occurrences in the world, like life and death, are not always miracles and tragedies. People die and people are born – that’s life. Just as childbirth is a wonderful experience, every death is worth mourning – both are to be cherished. Overusing powerful phrases, like miracle and tragedy, desensitizes the audience and detracts from events that are worthy of being called such.

Second – The person that inspired the Meet Joe Black quote DID NOT die. She is still alive and living well in southwest Denver. Sorry for causing any unnecessary concern or alarm. Also, I am not depressed or suicidal. I am not about ready to pull a “Brooks” from Shawshank Redemption or a “Frankie Pentangeli” from Godfather, Part II. I’m fine. Really.

I guess I didn’t realize how weird or rare it was for me to show some emotion or do something sweet. As I try to grow as a person, I am attempting to do more things that I am not exactly comfortable with. For a whole plethora of reasons, I don’t like to admit my feelings about certain people in my life. I know, I know, it’s an elementary concept for most people, but I suck at it. Really bad. But I’m trying. And Monday’s posting was my attempt to say thank you to a person who has been very influential in my life, and a person who made my life better. And I just wanted to share that with everyone – it was long overdue.

Dramatic Topic Change …


- In Cincinnati, there is a high school basketball player being recruited by all the major colleges named OJ Mayo. That’s right, OJ Mayo. Isn’t that the best name? If your name is OJ don’t you have to go play for the Syracuse Orangemen? What do want for lunch? OJ Mayo. What’s a good source of Vitamin C and a condiment? OJ Mayo.

- If you are cycling fan, can your favorite cyclist be anyone other than Lance Armstrong? Seriously, does anyone else have a bigger monopoly on a fan base than him? Granted, the fan base is only 62 people plus Sheryl Crow, but it’s still pretty impressive.

(By the way, that Dell computer commercial with Sheryl Crow singing a song called, “Good is Good,” has some really cheesy lyrics - “Good is good and bad is bad.” Yikes Sheryl. Guess you’re not going to be giving John and Paul a run for their lyrical-money anytime soon. What happened to songs like “My Favorite Mistake” and “Leaving Las Vegas?”)

- Speaking of music, here are five songs that have incredible beginnings before anything is sung (in no particular order):

1) Bittersweet Symphony (by the Verve) - I get goosebumps and a smirk every time I hear those crazy violins. Very underrated song. Would it be wrong to have this played at my wedding due to how cool the violins sound and the double meaning of the song’s title?

2) Paint it Black (by The Rolling Stones) – The first 15 seconds just inspires you to do something evil … maybe I should stop listening to this song.

3) Money for Nothing (by the Dire Straits) – One of the best riffs ever written. If I could play the guitar, I would sit in my room and play it over and over again until I started to get money for nothing and chicks for free.

4) Only the Good Die Young (by Billy Joel) – Since I officially changed his nickname from the Piano Man to the Piano God, it is now literally a sin to say anything disparaging about Billy – that is unless you are making fun of his knack for driving his luxury cars into trees on Long Island. Anyway, Billy has a real gift for writing memorable and instantly recognizable starts to songs – see: Piano Man, Scenes in an Italian Restaurant, Uptown Girl (which shouldn't count because of the “Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh” at the beginning but since I make the rules and Billy Joel is the Piano God, I’ll let it slide…), and River of Dreams, for more examples of this phenomenon.

5) Machinehead (by Bush) – If I were a baseball player, this would be my intro music as I walk up to home plate, adjusting my cup seven to eight times, while Jose Canseco follows behinds me, injecting anabolic steroids in my buttocks, before settling into the batter’s box.

I am sure I missed some classic songs with great non-singing beginnings, so if you come up with any, please let me know.

Do You Believe In Miracles?

“Can I get a Vodka-Tonic and a Sol?”

My best friend Ryan’s words to a bartender this weekend at 'The Soiled Dove' – perfect double meaning.

I spent a lot of time in the car on Saturday and heard those OnStar commercials about two and have dozen times over a six hour period. You know the ones where it’s an “actual” OnStar customer calling in to OnStar for some sort of vehicle assistance. Ever notice how it’s only women who keep locking their keys and children in the car. What gives? The men call OnStar for the police, sports scores and to order pizza. Women call OnStar because they keep locking their infant children and keys in the car. Nice job, ladies.

Isn’t it amazing how tumbleweed only bounces fast enough or slow enough across the highway to hit your car?

RETRACTION:
As it turns out, Ryan did encounter a bachelorette party in Casper, Wyoming two weekends ago - so his streak of consecutive bachelorette party weekends continue. Evidently, everyone in Casper marries by age 14 and 98% of the town is married, so it’s not uncommon to see one within city limits. Special thanks to Bryn Crowley for the demographic information regarding Wyoming.

I always hear that “childbirth is a miracle” … How can something that happens 1,000 times a day, everyday, for thousand of years, in every country in the world, with every species in the world – be considered a miracle? I am not saying that childbirth isn’t a special and wonderful experience (or taking away on how difficult childbirth is on the mother), but a miracle? A miracle is a supernatural act, not an everyday occurrence.

A month ago I wrote about Things I Want To Have Happen To Me That Only Happens In The Movies (http://theholeyourein.blogspot.com/2005/06/movie-things-i-want-to-have-happen.html)– here is one more you can add to the list:

I Want to Sit at a Small Local Bar and Tell the Bartender My Problems – Of course, this conversation will either take place in the day and he’ll remark that it’s too early in the day for me to be drinking, or it will be right before closing time after I have spent the entire day drinking and I totally look like Nicolas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas. I’ll tell him my problems and he’ll give me a shot that is on the house.

A League of Their Own was on Showtime for 1,543,753 time over the weekend which naturally begs the question, is it a chick flick or a sports movie?

Here’s another question, what’s the best type of post-meal burp? Yesterday, after eating a bowl of Lucky Charms, I let out a nice frosted oats and colored marshmallows burp. Ryan, standing nearby immediately identified my breakfast. After a few friendly words were exchanged, Ryan revealed to me that a post-sushi-burp is his favorite. Cereal-burps tend to be my favorite: Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruit Loops, to name a few. I would have to contend though a post-movie-theatre burp is probably my least favorite burp. There is nothing appealing about the post-buttered popcorn/peanut M&Ms/Coke taste.

In closing, I want to do something I am not totally comfortable doing … This weekend I had to say goodbye to someone who means a lot to me – more than I want to say on this blog or even admit to myself. I don’t really like to write and share touchy-feely stuff about my life, but this person is one of the most amazing people I have ever been lucky enough to spend time with. And I want to dedicate the below passage to that person - compliments of “Bill Parrish”, Anthony Hopkins’ character from Meet Joe Black:

“Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?

Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find that person? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Love is trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.”

Spam-Eater

One of my favorite subjects to write about is religion. This works well for me because my email in-box is constantly bombarded with Christian Spam, which gives me tons of topics. I often compose short retorts to the Spam (with the help of my friend Ryan), send them back to the person who sent it to me and encourage them to pass my reply along. My reason for doing this is not be confrontational, but rather because they are often filled with a lot of religious misinformation, that it literally terrifies me that so many people believe the information is true.

Below is a Spam email I recently received …

Sneeze
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.This class would not pray during the commencements ----- not by choice but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.The speeches were nice, but they were routine......until the final speech received a standing ovation.A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened. All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, "GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!" And he walked off stage...The audience exploded into applause. The graduating class found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your friends.........and GOD BLESS YOU!!!!In God We Trust, United We Stand. This is a true story, just recently happening at the University of Maryland. It's inspiring.

I was going to write my own response to this email forward, but after doing some research, here is what really happened – compliments of http://www.snopes.com/ …a great fact-finding source regarding urban legends and myths.

The incident the e-mail is based upon took place on May 20, 2001 during the commencement exercises at Washington Community High School in Washington, Illinois. With the help of the ACLU, the family of Natasha Appenheimer, that year's valedictorian, brought suit to prevent the inclusion of the invocation and benediction traditionally given at the school's commencement ceremony. The suit was decided in the favor of the Appenheimers when, three days before the ceremony, the court handed down a temporary injunction barring the inclusion of the prayers on the basis of their having been deemed "school sponsored" (and thereby an unconstitutional violation of the first amendment's "establishment clause").

People were angered by the decision, which overturned a tradition of 80 years' standing at Washington Community High. Many found unique ways of protesting the judge's ruling. Before the ceremony, students organized a prayer vigil around the school's flagpole. Some 50 seniors clasped hands in a circle while about 150 underclassmen and members of the community encircled them. Several students festooned their mortarboards with religious slogans: "I'm praying now," "Amen," "1 nation under God," "I will still pray 2 day," and "Let's Pray 01." One parent distributed 120 homemade wood-and-nail crosses among the students.

Yet it was the act of Ryan Brown, a member of the graduating class who was scheduled to give a speech during the event that is now celebrated in the e-mail forward. As his form of protest, he had worked it out with a handful of friends that when he faked a sneeze at the podium, they were to cry out "God bless you." The plan was carried out as envisioned, with everyone who had been in on it playing their assigned parts. (Mr. Brown also made another protest on his way to the podium — he stopped to bow in silent prayer, an act that prompted the audience to stand and applaud. He replied to the crowd, "Don't applaud for me, applaud for God.")

With all the personal protests and media attention, it was indeed a memorable commencement, both for its religious fervor and for its display of commitment to certain ideals. In a defining moment that served to reveal the nature of the bone being fought over, the teen girl in whose name the suit had been brought was booed when she received her diploma.

Though the school had said it would contest the ruling that barred it from sponsoring prayer at its graduation ceremonies, it dropped such plans in July 2001 once it came to some appreciation of how much such a legal battle might cost.

A month after the commencement, the online account that is the meat of this article began to circulate. In that embellished version, the speaker's sneeze was cast as being accidental, and the response it provoked spontaneously and unthinkingly issued from each of the graduating students almost as if they had spoken with one voice. This marked a tremendous departure from the truth, as the actual sneeze had been faked and the benediction (which was pronounced by only those few of the graduating seniors who were in on the plan) had been scripted. There was no spontaneity to the act, no unwilled inescapable "at-choo!" that prompted the unpremeditated yet socially-obligated reply of "Bless you!"

That June 2001 fictionalization presented the sneeze and response as fortuitous accidents, and asserted that the whole graduating class imparted the blessing, which represented two major strayings from the truth. However, even with those meanderings off the path of veracity, this earlier account stayed far closer to the facts than did a 2004 version which switched the roles the students had played to make for better storytelling. In that version, 92 students all sneezed at once, and the one lone speaker blessed them. Here are the key sections of both stories:

[2001]
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then he delivered his speech....an astounding SNEEZE!. The rest of the students rose immediately to their feet, and in unison they said, "GOD BLESS YOU."

[2004]
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened. All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED! The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said, "GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!" And he walked off stage.

Obviously, it makes for a more satisfying tale of tables having been turned if the graduating class receives the blessing rather than bestowing it. The switched-role version also hints more strongly of a divine hand's having guided the event in that one speaker's sneezing could be chalked up to a random inhalation of dust motes, but 92 graduating seniors all erupting in an explosive sneeze at the same instant would probably require some assistance from the Almighty to bring about.

The newer version of this tale is more of a departure from reality, but both it and the earlier incarnation should be treated as fictionalizations by those committed to not bearing false witness — the truth inherent to the story of a sneeze shouldn't prevent them from appreciating the error of presenting either e-mailed version as gospel. In both cases, a whole lot of truth got mixed in with some falsehood, which is the generally accepted recipe for the most effective form of a lie.

Great information. It’s amazing what you can find out doing just a little bit of research. I wonder how many people re-tell this story as fact.

I do have a few comments of my own, though.

The lawsuit in question made no mention of eliminating God from graduation speeches (though the email says that it did), only that the entire school could not participate in an organized prayer. Students are/were more than welcome to speak of God in their own graduation speeches (the 1st Amendment gives them that right). What the school cannot do is force the other students to pray as part of commencement. See the difference? It’s a common misconception that eliminating organized prayer in public school means eliminating religion from public schools. It does not. You can speak of God in classroom discussions, you can organize a Bible Club, you can even pray before a test. What you cannot do is force your Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, atheists, etc. friends to pray to Jesus Christ before a test. That is the huge difference that too often Christians who write/forward emails like these fail to consider. Those who know me well, know I often pose this question to Christians as a response to topics like this one: how would you feel if you forced to pray to Muhammad or Buddha before you graduated from high school?

Here’s another story that was recently forwarded to me …

THIS IS A REALLY COOL STORY AND NOTICE AT THE END THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS.

I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable - angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do (even when I didn't acknowledge them
or God).

A young university student was home for the summer. She had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked "God" to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a shortcut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped around her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question? Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, Because she wasn't alone.

She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

Moral of the story: Don't underestimate the power of Prayer!

Gives ya goose bumps, doesn't it!

This is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness. This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998. Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you. Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love!

May God richly bless you as you send this story on. Please keep this candle alive.

Since I love everyone, I thought I would share this tale. It’s a great story except there is no evidence to suggest it ever happened or is remotely true. There are no police records or court transcripts of such an event ever happening. Nor are there any newspaper accounts of the story. In fact, there is nothing to collaborate the validity of the email.

(If you want additional information, click on the link, http://www.snopes.com/glurge/rapestop.asp, it adds some great moral commentary regarding this story – definitely worth the time reading.)

One of the scariest parts about the Internet is that misinformation can flow so freely. One of the best parts about the Internet is that it is easy to do research and find the truth. That is what I tried to do here today – and I hope you enjoyed it and found it as interesting as I did.

Walking On Coals

“Do I look like the Jedi from Star Wars?”

The pathetic line my friend Julie heard Friday night at The Pourhouse.
(Julie was nice and said she wasn’t a fan and didn’t know – what she really should have said is, “Wow – you do look like Yoda!)

As some of you know, over the past few years I have been working on a screenplay called The Perfect Three – a story loosely based on some of my experiences during college. Since I completed the last edits late-last year/early this year, I’ve been working like John Nash from A Beautiful Mind to find an original idea for my next script. Finally, I think I have it! I am not going to reveal any of the storylines or character arcs yet, but I just wanted to share how freakin’ good it feels to be starting a new creative project. I also hope this means that Ed Harris will stop visiting me while I am at work and that British guy from Wimbledon will stop telling me “I’m a genius!” in the middle of meetings – it’s very distracting.

By the way, eventually I will have The Perfect Three linked with this Web site so anyone who wants to read the story will be more than welcome to do so.

I happily consumed five Miami Vice’s/Miami’s Vice this weekend at three different locations. Don’t really know what that means in the grand scheme of things, but I just thought everyone should know and encourage you to join me on the Miami Vice bandwagon – there’s plenty of room. What’s the ole’ saying, “binge drinking loves company,” or something like that?

Some records will never be broken:

- My streak in 2001 when I had 6 consecutive one month relationships.

- John Travolta’s current streak of unwatchable movies …
(Which is baffling considering the run he had in the mid-to-late 90’s of consecutive awesome movies: Pulp Fiction, Get Shorty, Phenomenon, Face/Off and Primary Colors.)

- Bill Self’s current streak of bad luck, bad coaching, bad seedings and bad time for his predecessor to win a national championship while KU gets one bad headline after another, DAMN IT (sorry, had to vent).

- Me and Ryan’s streak of 961 consecutive terrible meals at Fuddruckers.

- My streak of 48 months of ghastly and dreadful relationship decisions between 1999 and 2002.

- Ryan’s streak of drinking 27 vodka-tonics at the Sports Column without getting a buzz.

- President Bush’s current streak of consecutive post-9/11 speeches in which he mentions freedom.

And now introducing the new record – The 231st consecutive weekend of witnessing at least one bachelorette party while out at the bars/clubs. This isn’t an official number, but I am pretty sure the last time it didn’t happen was the weekend after 9/11 … I remember it well because I was inspired by George Bush’s “Freedom” speech.

(This streak ended for Ryan this weekend when he spent two days in Casper, Wyoming)

Speaking of Bush, doesn’t UN Ambassador John Bolton look like a mix of Nick Nolte, Ron Burgundy and a 1970’s porn star?

So taking an Amtrak train from Denver to Chicago cost more money than flying and takes longer than driving. Gosh, with that recipe for success I can’t imagine why Amtrak is in financial trouble. Personally, I would love to take a train somewhere and try out the sleeping-car (for a few reasons … use your imagination), and the drink-car, and the dinner-car, have a train chase through the cars and enjoy the scenery of a cross-country trip. But it’s pretty hard to justify taking a mode of transportation that cost more money and takes more time then the alternatives. With so many people afraid to fly nowadays and the cost of gas rising (especially airline fuel), you would think it would be high-times (pun intended) for the rail industry. Nope. It’s still $20-$50 dollars cheaper to fly to Chicago in an hour and half than it is to take the train and arrive 17 ½ hours after the plane (oh, and that’s just sitting coach, if you want a bedroom you can tack on another $150+ or so). Someone really needs to put me in charge of Amtrak, I guarantee it will turn a profit - there’s money to be made.

Firewalking, next to prayer is one of the oldest transformational tools known. In native cultures, the shamans and medicine men were called upon to walk on hot surfaces to purify the community. Surprisingly, firewalking made its way into every single culture on the planet. Even middle-ages Christianity embraced the mysteries of firewalking. Most often used as ritual purification, healing and worship, firewalking is still being used today as a local custom in such varied places as Hyland Hills WaterWorld, The Mirage, the Wynn Resort and a pool near you.
While I am glad I proved my faith to the Gods, and I look forward to an eternity eating grapes and being fanned by giant eucalyptus leafs in Heaven, would it kill pool and waterpark operators to create some new revolutionary surface or lay down some mat or sprinkle some water, so I don’t burn the heck out of my feet when I am walking from the pool to the bathroom? Or the pool to the bar? Or from the waterslides to the pool? Listen, I want to bring purity to my community and heal the sick, just not when I am walking behind a 300-pound European guy in a Speedo, who is moving as fast as “Spider” in Goodfellas after Joe Pesci shoots in him the foot, while taking up the entire sidewalk that has a surface temperature of 517° Celsius.

I finally saw Million Dollar Baby. I have two quick thoughts about this movie.

One, Morgan Freeman gets the Al Pacino/Scent of a Woman Award as the actor who received an Academy Award for a performance that clearly wasn’t their best. Freeman should have won his Oscar for playing “Red” in Shawshank Redemption, however he lost to Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump that year (which is understandable). That role, in addition to his roles in Glory, Unforgiven, Lean on Me or even Se7en, were all superior to his role in Million Dollar Baby.

Second, I couldn’t help but feel that the whole movie was a two and half hour-long device, designed just to make me cry.