You're Unpredictable

SPOLIER SOPRANO’S ALERT:

The most common quote I’ve head since The Soprano’s came back is, “it’s not like Tony is going to die.” And the dozens of fans who have said that to me over the last two weeks are probably right; I highly doubt Tony is going to die anytime this season.

These Tony’s-not-gonna-die comments while bordering on fun-extinguishing, do bring up an interesting philosophical story-telling point though that I think a lot of people miss: Unpredictability alone is not what makes movies (or TV shows) suspenseful or good. It is the way the story is told that makes them suspenseful or good.

We all knew the Titanic was going to sink. No big surprise or plot twist there. We knew that ship was going down when we saw the movie title, long before we ever bought our tickets and saw the movie. But when the ship was sinking at a 90 degree angle, and the passengers were sliding down the boat deck hitting everything in sight along the way or falling off the ship and smacking the propellers, those were some pretty tense moments. Not to mention the drama in seeing all the people freeze to death in icy water. Aside from the actual sinking, who didn’t know Jack was going to die at the end? If you are raising your hand right now, I bet you are a big Colin Farrell fan.

I knew how Apollo 13 ended before I took one bite of popcorn. William Wallace’s capture and execution in Braveheart certainly didn’t come as a shock. Although I thought it was a terrible movie, didn’t everybody in the world know how The Passion of the Christ was going to conclude? Whose jaw hit the floor when Harry ended up with Sally? Or that somehow, despite all odds, Tom Hanks was going to meet Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. In Miracle, did you honestly expect the US hockey team to lose to the Russians? And in American Beauty, Lester reveals his pending death in the first 30 second of the film.

Good movies (and shows like The Soprano’s) have such solid stories, great acting and are so well done that certain parts of plot predictability are almost irrelevant. American Beauty is such a splendid film, that despite the audience’s knowledge of Lester’s upcoming death, we are taken on such wonderful journey and the story is so incredible, that Lester’s murder takes a backseat to the events leading up to his death. Just the opposite, in the first season of The Soprano’s, Tony survives a botched whacking. I doubt many people believed that the main character was going to die 10 episodes into their first season; but Tony’s response to the attempted assassination created suspense, tension and other types of unpredictability. This years shooting is doing the same thing in The Soprano’s. Sure Tony probably won’t die, but that doesn’t mean how Carmella, Meadow and Anthony Jr., handle it won’t be gripping, or who steps up to run the “family” during Tony’s absence won’t be unpredictable.

Don’t get me wrong, I love unpredictable plots like in The Godfather, The Usual Suspects and Matchstick Men, but I enjoy movies like Garden State and Ocean’s 11 just as much; even though their conclusion were somewhat predictable. How a story is told, where the story takes us and how we get there, are far more important aspects of a movie than being able to guess that the astronauts will make it home safely, that the bad guy will be killed by the good guy, or that the couple will fall in love.

I would bet that Bradley will win the NCAA tournament before I’d bet that Tony is going to die this season; but that doesn’t mean I will not love every second of the predictable yet amazing journey that will hopefully be Tony’s recovery.

Big Coincidence or Small Coincidence

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I don’t want to turn this blog into the Las Vegas Travel Journal with a side of Jayhawk; but it’s March Madness so you are just going to have to put up with another Jayhawk post …

Last year, an extremely talented Kansas team – filled with Roy Williams recruits – headed into the NCAA Tournament as a #3 seed and a favorite to win the championship. Gifted, experienced (2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance to their credit) and led by seniors, the only thing Kansas and their fans had to worry about was whether Roy Williams’ Tarheels would win all of their tournament games to eventually set-up the game of the century.

Unfortunately, Bill Self was never able to convince his talented, but Roy Williams loyal, seniors to totally buy into his coaching system. Injuries, bad breaks (the phantom Texas Tech traveling call on Aaron Miles, for example), and too many close games had worn the team down mentally and physically. Watching Kansas last season, it was easy to see that they were winning games on talent alone, not having fun, and disaster was looming.

I remember telling my old boss as I left work to watch Kansas in the first round of the tournament last year that, “I don’t feel real good about this game.” And I didn’t. I felt like one of those NASA engineers who had a bad feeling about the damage to the Space Shuttle Columbia; but chose to ignore their feelings, convincing themselves that they were just being paranoid, that the data they were interpreting was faulty, and if there was a real problem - someone else would have spoken up by then.

As a result: Bucknell – 64, Kansas – 63

This year, a team of confident and wildly athletic sophomores and freshmen have led the Jayhawks to a Big 12 regular season championship, a Big 12 tournament championship, a #12 ranking in the polls, and a #4 seed in the tournament – and exceeding everyone’s expectations in the process. This team laughs, they have fun, they’re cocky, they’re loyal to Bill Self, and I would argue, better than last years team.

BUT …

They play freakin’ Bradley in the first round of the tournament! Call me crazy, but Bradley is eerily too close to Bucknell for comfort… Check out these coincidences:

- Both schools are BUs.
- Bradley – 2 syllables, Bucknell – 2 syllables
- Bradley – 7 letters, Bucknell – 8 letters
- Bradley’s mascot – the Braves, Bucknell’s mascot – the Bison. Both Bs.
- People have no clue where either school is located (Bucknell is in Pennsylvania and Bradley is in Peoria, Illinois)
- Both traditionally suck at basketball and consider it a great season just to make it to the tournament.
- AND, I’m watching the Bradley game at the same sports bar I watched the Bucknell game

So what does all of that mean in the grand scheme of things? Heck if I know? I do know that I originally I was going to write about all the coincidences between Bucknell and Bradley, and that I felt indifferent towards Bradley and slightly nervous about the game -- until one of their writers wrote an article making fun of KU, the Jayhawk and the Rock Chalk.

F*ck Bradley. Time to take the gloves off.

So now, not only do I want KU to avenge last years first round loss by beating Bradley, I want them to beat the sh*t out of Bradley. I want KU to play the role of Alton on the Gauntlet II, and Bradley will be everyone else. I want Bradley to get so sick of hearing the Rock Chalk chant that it gets stuck in their head for their entire plane ride back to Midway Airport and that they find themselves humming it aloud as they wait for their baggage. I want Julian Wright to dunk on a Bradley player so badly that CBS uses the slam dunk as promotional material for next years tournament. I want the blowout to be so painful that Christian Moody not only enters the game, but even sinks a few free throws. I want Bradley’s coach in a post-game press conference with ESPN to say, “They killed us like Sonny at the tollbooth. They even kicked our ass in the pre-game warm-ups. It will take a very talented team to beat Kansas. We haven’t been beaten like that all year – if ever. I hope we never have to play the Jayhawks again.” I want Bradley fans to frustratingly yell at the TV, “PLAY DEFENSE! … WHY CAN’T KANSAS MISS? … WHY DOES KANSAS KEEP STEALING THE BALL? … WHY CAN’T WE RECRUIT PLAYERS LIKE THAT? … WHAT IS THAT FU*KING CHANT I’VE BEEN HEARING FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES?” And finally, as Warden Norton so proudly exclaimed, I want Bradley to “Vanish! Like a fart in the wind” from this years tournament - compliments of the Kansas Jayhawks.

You gotta love March Madness!

Good luck, Jayhawks. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

Welcome to the Las Vegas Travel Journal

I’m officially changing the name of this blog from The Whole Year Inn to the Las Vegas Travel Journal. That’s right, I’m going to Vegas again (this time for my 30th birthday).

I freakin’ sound like Forrest Gump going to the White House and meeting the president. But instead of saying, “I got to go the White House again … and meet the President of the United States again,” I get to say things like “I lost $200 on a blackjack table and got drunk off of a drink shaped like a cowboy boot at 10:30 in the morning again … and I got to grind with Paris Hilton at The Palms again.”

So, in honor of traveling and vacations ….

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Overrated - The Mile High Club

Nothing says passion like having sex in a cramped public restroom, er, lavatory, while 200 of your fellow passengers know exactly why you and your significant-other decided to randomly go to the bathroom together in the middle of the flight.

I’m not lazy. I have ambitions in the forbidden/adventurous sex genre, but I’ve never been particularly motivated or tempted to “wave my wheat” at 35,000 feet, in a tiny room with creepy blue water and a stainless steel toilet. I understand some of my complaints are all part of the appeal in obtaining membership in the Mile High Club, but it still seems overrated to me - something that sounds totally cool in conversations with your friends and in your imagination, but ultimately very disappointing in reality … kinda like most games of truth or dare.

If anyone out there has any experience, or knows anyone who is in the Mile High Club, I’d love to hear some stories and perhaps they might change my mind. But until then, having sex in an airplane lavatory sounds just as exotic as having sex in a Greyhound bus bathroom or a New Jersey Transit train bathroom. Ick.

Economic Theory of the Week:

Can anyone imagine making travel reservations nowadays without the Internet? I know we used to, but how in the world did people make hotel reservations or plane reservations without spending seven and half hours on the phone or having to visit a travel agent? How in the heck did people even get all the right phone numbers to call? If I had to make Vegas reservations without the Internet, how would I round-up all the different numbers to all the different hotels?

Anyway, I think the reason the airline industry is going bankrupt is because they can’t screw the consumer anymore. The airlines can blame 9/11 and fuel prices and bad management all they want, but I think the real reason they are losing money is because we passengers are more educated. Before the Internet, it was a monumental pain in the ass to call United and Delta and Continental, to obtain prices and flight times over the phone. Now we can simply visit their Web sites or travel Web sites (like Travelocity), and quickly compare all the airlines’ offerings and even receive emails when prices go down. The days of some customer service representative telling us that the $300 flight from Denver to Vegas is the “best they can do”, when changing departure times, staying or leaving early, or checking a competitor’s airline, could easily result in getting a flight for $158 round trip - are over and done. Airlines can’t take advantage of the colossal hassle it was to keep calling back every airline to constantly check flight times and prices. Ten years ago, we believed the major airlines when they said their exorbitant price were the best; mostly because it was difficult to prove them wrong. Now when United says that to us, all we have to do is check Continental’s Web site, look at Expedia, and scan what smaller airlines, like Frontier, JetBlue or Southwest, are offering, to see if United’s deal is actually superior. We have all become intelligent consumers; no longer can the airlines stick-it-to-us because of our lack of time and information, and subsequently overcharge us. Instead, it’s easy, convenient and efficient to find the best deal and the lowest price; and I think that is part of the reason airlines have lost money since the Internet become prominent.

On behalf of all air-travelers, thank you Al Gore.

Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing of the Week:

“This is way too funny! You just put on your gay ass blog that you have a Huge Forehead! This is Killing me! Good job Retard!”

-- Uncle Rico

Thanks for that intelligent contribution to the discussion.

Uncle Rico, I hope you and Tom Izzo enjoy your next fishing trip to Brokeback Mountain together. Who knows, maybe Coach Izzo will catch a fish without a “true fishing pole.”

By the way, Kansas has four national championships – 1988, 1952, 1923 and 1922 (Though in fairness, the 22’ and 23’ championships were awarded prior to the tournament being in place – but count nonetheless).

Michigan State has two – 2000 and 1979.

Quote of the Week:

“Do you want that coconut? Do I want that coconut? Basically, I want that *ucking coconut!”
-- Derrick, on Gauntlet II – Real World/Road Rules Challenge

The Tracy Flick Moral and Ethical Question of the Week:

Is it wrong to lie about the number of people staying in a hotel room, thus lowering the price?

(What I don’t get is; if Ryan and I pay $100 per night for a hotel room that has two beds, why should the charge go up based on having two more people in the room? Aren’t we receiving the same services from the hotel room regardless of the occupancy? Why does an extra person cost $35 more? What does that $35 pay for? I understand enforcing a limit on the amount of people in a room – so you don’t end up with 20 college kids stuffed into one room – but if the room has 2 queen beds, the room price should be inclusive up to four people (two per bed). If the suite has three beds, the room rate should be good up to six people, etc. It seems excessive to charge more money when the room is designed to handle that many people in the first place.

One more thing, hotels often say “kids stay free.” How are kids sleeping in a hotel room any less expensive than adult; especially since adults tend to be cleaner and less likely to spill stuff on carpets and comforters?)

The Day of the Week: Sunday

Rock Chalk, Jayhawks! Led by three freshmen, two sophomores and a senior who has already graduated and who has the nickname JHawk; the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the cocky and rapidly becoming annoying Texas Longhorns to win the Big 12 tournament. Not only did the Jayhawks avenge the 25 points loss to Texas two weeks ago. Not only did the Jayhawks shut-up the trash talking Longhorn cheerleaders. Not only did the Jayhawks turn Texas center Brad Buckman a disturbingly light shade of pink. But they also earned a #4 seed (though they should have been a #3 seed) in the NCAA tournament, showed that Bill Self deserves consideration for National Coach of the Year, showed that Texas cries like the bulimic chick from the Real World: Key West after every call that doesn’t go their way, and that Kansas is the best team in the Big 12.

And just like Kansas showed Oklahoma State, Nebraska and Texas who the best is; after a two year layoff, The Soprano’s showed CSI, The West Wing and every other show on TV, that they are still king. I won’t spoil the first episode for anyone, but as Ryan so eloquently put it, “Waiting for the next episode will be harder than waiting the last two years.” After The Soprano’s, HBO debuted Big Love – a story about a polygamous family starring Bill Paxton. Maybe because I was still in shock-n-awe about The Soprano’s, but going from a mafia show based in New Jersey, to a show about a Mormon family in Utah was a rough transition. It was like driving 75 miles an hour in third gear – it didn’t feel right. I think what the show needs is more shots of Bill Paxton in his tighty-whities, or even better, more shots of him in his tighty-whities after he has taken his Viagra. Or as Ryan so eloquently put it, “I didn’t think you could make having three wives look un-cool, but Bill Paxton has done it.”

Defending the Phog

"If you read my comment it stated that Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well. The 2000 Championship Team that you brought up had Cleaves, who was a true point guard. Anyhow, if your HUGE forehead can grasp this (can a forehead be any larger-GOSH!), all I am saying is the Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo. Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"

-- Anonymous, er, Uncle Rico

You gotta love Anonymous! If you need any help locating a time machine on the Internet, please let me know. In the meantime, I decided to put my huge brain, that is incased in my huge forehead, to use and evaluate Uncle Rico’s comments …

Here we go.

“The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like (Tom) Izzo (Michigan State's Head Coach).”

Let’s see if this is true by looking at the last five years …

2001
Kansas loses to Illinois – who is coached by current Kansas coach, Bill Self – in the Sweet Sixteen.

Michigan State loses to Arizona in the Final Four.

Advantage: Michigan State

2002
Kansas loses to eventual champion, Maryland, in the Final Four. The Jayhawks reach the Final Four with arguably one of their best players, Wayne Simien, injured and unavailable to play.

Michigan State loses in the first round of the tournament, presumably without a true point guard. Regardless, thanks for showing up, Spartans!

Advantage: Kansas

2003
Kansas loses to Syracuse in the championship game.

Michigan State loses in the Elite 8 to Texas, again without a true point guard. Of course, Kansas reaches the championship game with future NBA first round draft pick Wayne Simien injured and unable to play. Kansas also loses legendary head coach to Roy Williams two weeks later; who is replaced by Bill Self.

Advantage: Kansas

2004
Kansas in the Elite 8, loses to national champion runner-up Georgia Tech. Coach Self does this with Roy Williams' recruits and after losing 2 star players (Hinrich and Collison) to the NBA.

Michigan State again loses in the first round of the tournament – I don’t think they even had a false point guard on the team. Yikes.

Advantage: Kansas

2005
Kansas loses the Bucknell debacle in the first round of the tournament. I am not even going to try to defend that game. Ugh. I just threw-up in my mouth.

Michigan State loses to North Carolina and Roy William in the Final Four.

Advantage: Michigan State

Okay, since 2001:

Both Kansas and Michigan State have two Final Four appearances and 0 National Championships. Michigan State has lost in the first round twice, Kansas once. Both have made it the Elite 8 and lost one time. So since 2001, Kansas has performed slightly better in the tournament than Michigan State … but Michigan State won the national championship in 2000, so we’ll call it a tie, despite the fact Kansas has more tournament wins since 2001.

However, Uncle Rico’s comments were about coaching, not wins and losses. So lets look at the coaching difference. Of course Kansas has had two coaches during this time, Roy William and Bill Self, while Michigan State has only been coached by Tom Izzo.

2001 – Izzo wins over both Self and Williams. Self beats Williams in the Sweet Sixteen, but loses in the Elite 8. Izzo reaches the Final Four.

Advantage: Izzo and Michigan State

2002 – Williams guides the Jayhawks to the Final Four while Izzo loses in the first round. Ouch.

Advantage: Williams and Kansas

2003 – Williams again leads the Jayhawks to the Final Four, losing in the championship game. Izzo loses in the Elite 8 to Texas (a team KU previously defeated).

Advantage: Williams and Kansas

2004 – Under new coach Bill Self, Kansas reaches the Elite 8; while Izzo and Michigan State again lose in the first round.

Advantage: Self and Kansas

2005 – Self is embarrassed by Bucknell, Izzo leads the Spartans to the Final Four but loses to ex-KU coach Roy Williams.

Advantage: Roy Williams

So, if the assertion is Kansas needs better coaching in March, the last five years don’t support that claim considering Kansas coaches (Self and Williams) have outperformed Tom Izzo in every year except 2001.

If we consider 2000, the year Michigan State won the championship, and 2005 (because MSU did better than KU but not better than UNC) then the teams at the least would be even in terms of performance.

Uncle Rico’s quote was, “The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo.” Well not true, at least if you consider history and statistics relevant and important; since Jayhawk coaches have had consistently better runs than Tom Izzo since 2001.

“Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well.”

Okay, but Roy Williams took the Jayhawks to back-to-back Final Fours without All-American Wayne Simien being able to play due to injury. So while the Spartans were missing a “true” point guard, the Jayhawks were missing an NBA first round draft pick. Both big losses.

I think both coaches did a great job and are impressive and equal accomplishments.

However, Coach Self has had the difficult task of taking over the Kansas program from a legendary coach and without his own recruits. Not exactly the easiest coaching situations to step into; considering how many other coaches have failed miserably when succeeding a legend.

“Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"

Michigan State has recently lost twice in the first round, in 02’and 04’. See a pattern developing? It’s 06’! Time for another first round exit for the Spartans. That is, if they even make the NCAA tournament this year. (Notice Uncle Rico didn’t mention this year’s team in his comments)

It’s pretty smug to criticize the Jayhawks for losing in the first round, when Michigan State has done the exact same thing twice as many times over the last six years.

A couple extra thoughts:

- The last time the Jayhawks and Bill Self played Michigan State in the 03-04 season, the Jayhawks won.

- Coach Self was just named Big 12 Coach of the Year. I don’t think Tom Izzo will be winning the award in the Big 10 this year.



Now, if you’ll excuse me I am going to shop for hats that fit properly.

A Straight Man’s Strange Erotic Journey to Brokeback Mountain

"We have fun in our hotel rooms. We go from room to room messing with each other at 12 or 1 in the morning. Last night I ran from room to room getting in pillow fights with the guys”

-- Jayhawk Brandon Rush, explaining why KU is such a good road team.

I apologize for such a delay in writing, but I’ve been in Torino, Italy competing in the 200-meter Coughing and Phlegm competition, the highly competitive Most Hours Slept Due to Ny-Quil Freestyle competition, and I set the modern day world record for the most times blowing one’s nose in the middle of the night.

Now, before I get to Brokeback Mountain, I want to address my Anonymous friend who can’t seem to spell Jayhawk correctly and who also thinks the Jayhawks suck this year.

(I highly recommend you reading his comments on the post)

First – Jayhawk is one word! Spelled exactly like I’ve typed it 1,467 times previously. It’s not JayHawk, Jay Hawk, JHawk, Jaihawq, or any other derivation. It’s hard for me to grasp your point when you can’t spell the subject of your comment correctly. You don’t spell Spartan: SPARtan, Spar Tan, Sp-art-an, do you?

Second – I’ve figured who Anonymous is … it’s none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Wanna know how I solved the mystery? Anonymous kept droning on in his comments about the past - just like Uncle Rico wished it was still 1982 so he could lead his high school football team to the state championship. Anonymous wishes it was still 2000 or 1979 so he could make comments like, “Yeah, Michigan State won it all without a true point guard … and we made three-pointers shooting over those mountains over there … and the entire Michigan State team shoulda turned pro … and we beat everyone by like 150 points … I wish I had a time machine.”

Come join us in the present, Uncle Rico. Which speaking of …

Third – Kansas is #22 (#18 in the AP poll) in the country with a 21-7 record. Michigan State is #23 (#25 in the AP poll) with a 20-9 record. Michigan State is 8-7 in the Big 10 and sitting in forth place. Kansas is 12-3 in the Big 12 and tied for first place. It’s difficult to assert that Kansas sucks this year when the team you support, Michigan State, has a worst overall and conference record … unless you think Michigan State sucks, too.

Forth – And just because you got me thinking about the past, Uncle Rico. Kansas has more NCAA championships, more NCAA tournament appearances and more NCAA tournament wins than Michigan State.

Now that we have that settled, lets get back to Brokeback Mountain …(don’t think I ever want to say that phrase again)

Inspired by Brandon Rush’s comment, I decided it was time for me to see Brokeback Mountain. After hearing all the jokes, watching all the parodies and vowing to never watch that movie on HBO, alone, with my roommate Ryan on a Friday night- I had to see what all the rage was about.

Here is what took place …

- I am joined by my roommate Ryan, and our friend Calley. Or, what I affectionately called her the entire evening, “our heterosexual insurance policy.” Prior to the movie, Calley signed a binding legal contract agreeing to make-out with either one of us in the event of an emergency.

- I want to know if there is a straight guy out there who could say the following phrase with a straight face – “One student for Brokeback Mountain, please.” If there is, quit your job; the poker world needs you right now.

- What looks worst: Me sitting next to Ryan in the theatre - or me, Ryan and Calley playing musical chairs in theatre as we figure out the “best” seating arrangement?

- A few other questions to ponder: Does it mean anything that originally Calley and I were going to go see Brokeback Mountain by ourselves; and I invited Ryan to come along? What about the fact we ate sushi prior to the movie? Why did I choose to wear my “I lie to girls” t-shirt on this evening? Why is Ryan drinking a bright red fruity drink out of a straw right now?

- During the coming attractions, we see a preview for the Crying Game 2, a Nathan Lane film, and a Cher concert. Just kidding. But it was interesting that the previews featured two English movies and two independent films. Evidently the marketing folks concluded it’s a bunch of Britons and film geeks who go to see Brokeback Mountain.

- As the opening credits role, Ryan rhetorically (and jokingly) asks, “Why do I have an erection already.” I immediately turn to Calley and ask her is she realizes the contract she signed could be enforced by a court of law and I could seek damages if she doesn’t follow through on the make-out clause.

- Just an interesting little factoid for everyone, the tagline for Brokeback Mountain is, “Love is a force of nature.”

Okay.

- Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal; both who are coming off of Oscar-caliber performances. For Jake, it was The Day After Tomorrow. For Heath, it was The Brothers Grimm. With resumes like that, it’s amazing they were able to fit Brokeback into their busy schedule.

- Ten minutes into the movie, we’ve already heard the following quotes:

“Skinny asses.”
“You have to sleep with the sheep.”
“Pitch a tent in five minutes.”
“He got all over my ass.”

Yep, we’re off to a good start.

- About a half hour into the film, we notice there is a family in the theatre with their preschool-aged kids. Nice work, parents - Brokeback is definitely fun for the entire family! I guess Deathblow and Rochelle, Rochelle were sold out. I hope these parents aren’t surprised when their kids dress up like cowboys for Halloween this year.

- Jake Gyllenhaal’s character’s name is Jack Twist … I wonder if that name is a foreshadow? I’d tell you what Heath Ledger’s character’s name is, but frankly I can’t understand 2 out of every 5 words he says … I think it’s something Del Mar. But the good news is he doesn’t sound Australian and hasn’t started singing “Can’t take my eyes off of you” to Jack Twist in a high school stadium yet.

- Did you know Jake Gyllenhaal stared in City Slickers as a child actor? Judging by the looks he and Heath are exchanging right now, he’s about to find out what that “one thing” is that Jack Palance kept referring to.

- You know how a lot of times in movies when characters fall in love; their first time having sex is a highly choreographed encounter, with perfect lighting, light kisses, sensual music, slow motion movements and wandering hands? Well, I guess that rule doesn’t apply for gay-Cowboy-sex.

Let me throw out some words and phrases that describe that first sex scene: sudden, violent, awkward, uncomfortable, shocking, spit-filled, makes me never want to go camping ever again.

Also, I’m pretty sure everyone in theatre shifted in their seats, avoided eye contact, and didn’t make a sound or take a breath until it was over. It reminded me of seeing Fear in college; during the infamous rollercoaster scene between Reese and Mark Wahlberg. Every guy in theatre was so turned-on that they became paralyzed. Same thing just happened here – though I doubt anyone is turned-on. I hope.

- Trust me, nothing makes you feel more absolved about watching a movie like Brokeback Mountain than seeing Michelle Williams (from Dawson’s Creek) and Anne Hathaway (from the Princess’ Diaries) breasts!

More popcorn anyone?

- On page 4 of the Cheating Handbook it reads: “Do not make-out in front of the apartment building of where you live, when the person you are cheating on is inside and can easily see you.”

I bet that never happened between Dawson and Pacey.

- DTR’ing (defining the relationship) is a funny-enough thing as it is. Multiply the humor by 100 when it’s two gay cowboys, who are pretending to be straight, who are played by Health Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, doing it at a Wyoming campsite.

- According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene. Yikes guys, take it easy, it’s only a movie.

- Best line of the film, “This is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.” Try using that one at work tomorrow.

- Finally, at the climax of the film, Del Mar confronts Jack Twist and reads him the following poem:

I hate the way you talk to me,

And the way you ride your horse.

I hate the way you rope the sheep,

I hate it when you’re coarse.

I hate your big dumb ass

And the way you kiss my neck.

I hate that loving you is so much of a crime,

That it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you spoon me in the tent,

I hate it when you lie to your wife.

And the way you hold me by the fire,

Even worse when our time expires.

I hate fishing without you,

And the fact that were not married

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

Not even close…

Not even a little bit…
Not even barely.

Okay, lets fast-forward and get to the review of the film …

All joking aside about the subject matter, I was hoping for more and left the theatre disappointed. I compare this film to Boys Don’t Cry (the Hilary Swank film when she pretends to be a guy). Both films take place in the Midwest, both films include intolerant views about non-traditional love and relationships, both have violent endings, both achieved critical success and nominated for numerous awards, and both feature breast shots that somewhat redeem the film. But both films lack a true emotional impact besides the taboo love. If you take away the forbidden love aspect of both films, you aren’t left with much character development or plot. The filmmakers of Brokeback skip over and hurry through potentially awesome scenes (like the confrontation between Michelle Williams and Health Ledger when she finds out about his big secret) just to get us to an unsatisfying ending that is contrived to trigger a mountain’s worth of emotion. Unfortunately, I wasn’t particularly rooting for Jack Twist and Del Mar to end up together because besides the rushed first act (when they rapidly show a bond between the two cowboys), Brokeback doesn’t do a good job of showing us why they should be together; except for the fact it’s a forbidden relationship.

Just so I’m not all doom n’ gloom, here are a couple of good things about the film:

- The musical score of the film is solid and will provide laughs later-on because it’s easy to remember and to hum to your friends.

- Health Ledger’s performance is the best in the film. It’s pretty amazing his last two films are Brokeback and Cassanova … that’s some range.

- The movie wasn’t preachy or overtly political.

- Dennis Quaid’s short performance is entertaining. It’s still fun watching Cousin Eddie from the Vacation films try to do serious roles. Quaid hasn’t been this convincing since Independence Day.

- It’s an original story and isn’t a remake of some 60s or 70s TV show or another movie that was already done poorly 20 years ago.

Anyway, back to the review …

Both Anne Hathaway’s and Michelle William’s characters seemed to have been wasted; despite having tremendous potential to show the pain and the consequences of having their husbands carry-on dishonest bisexual relationships, while trying to raise their families at the same time. I wanted to see how conflicted Heath and Jake were, despite their occasional arguments while fishing. I wanted to see the struggle of being married to a woman while being in love with a man, even though they both claim not to be gay. I wanted to see how all of this affected their kids (barely addressed in the film). I wanted an ending that held Heath and Jake accountable for their life choices.

To a lesser extent, this movie suffers from Passion of the Christ syndrome. It’s not enough to just have an interesting or controversial subject matter, like Jesus’ crucifixion. To be considered a “great” movie; you still need character development, you need strong supporting roles, you need effective pacing of the scenes (a huge problem in Brokeback), you need a solid plot with an effective ending. You can’t skip over those things, throw together a series of “edgy” scenes (like Jesus’ passion, Sharon Stone showing her … um … ya know, or Hilary Swank taping her breast so they can’t be seen) and then call the movie great.