Single Sentences From A Weekend Spent Traveling And In Las Vegas

Why does airport seating (those benches near the gate) always include immovable stainless steel armrest making it impossible to lie down or get comfortable?

I was once told by a flight attendant that the airplane smell we are all familiar with is a combination of coffee and body odor.

Sharing an armrest with a stranger is fine up until the point I can feel his arm hair touching mine.

Attention all men, the price of your ticket does not included hitting on the woman sitting next to you unabated for the entire flight … this is a mode of transportation, not an episode of Two-Hour Dating.

Am I the only guy who prefers peeing into a little kid’s urinal instead of the grown-up one? (In case you’re wondering, I like the angles better)

There are certain things in life I’ll never understand, like: the appeal of Nancy Grace, why a non-farmer enrolls at Kansas State University, how professional soccer stays in business in the US, and why the walk left/stand right concept so hard for adults to master?

How long do you think it will be before we will be able to pay extra to have our luggage be the first off the plane?

I’m really glad I’ve never had a reason to be in the McCarran Airport parking garage.

Casinos really need to stop dressing the front of their buildings in advertisements – you didn’t spend a couple hundred million dollars on a beautiful façade, only to drape it with a giant, cheesy picture of Toni Braxton, did you?

This never ceases to amaze me, but it cost more money to build The Wynn than it will to rebuild the World Trade Center.

Have we ever properly figured out why Penn of Penn & Teller is so sweaty, hairy, always yelling and still employed?

What jury decides who is the World’s Best Magician, Vegas’ Best Magician, Vegas’ Funniest Comedian, Funniest Show on the Strip, Greatest Show Starting After 10 But Ending Before Midnight, Best Comedic Magician South of Caesar’s Palace, Funniest Dressed Comedian Posing as a Magician? – Seriously, every performer has one some sort of diluted award to their credit, makes me wonder if that type of advertising even works.

When I go out on a date, how a girl answers this question very much determines whether she and I will have a future: When you get to Vegas at 8:30 a.m., do you stay-up or do you go to the hotel room and rest-up for the day?

On a related note, ordering a free beer at 9:15 a.m. is just a great feeling that never gets old – and that’s not the least bit depressing.

One of my favorite couples in Vegas is the one where the husband looks like he can’t believe he ever thought it was a good idea to invite his wife to Sin City, while the wife looks like she can’t believe what her husband has spent the entire time doing and what he suggested they do last night.

What do you think sucks more: Excalibur, Louie Anderson performing at the Excalibur, or Thunder From Down Under showing every night at the Excalibur? Trick question! They all suck equally.

Tony Bennett is still alive?

In memorial to the binge drinking that took place last night, please stand as my liver performs “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey.

Never gamble with a man who sports a handlebar mustache.

If you find the missing Carrot Top and how ridiculously-buff-Carrot-Top-is joke, will you please call 800-857-2147. Thank you.

Visiting the stalls at The Mirage, I couldn’t happen but notice that they have ash trays next to the toilet … you really gotta be addicted to something to do it while you’re sh*ting … I mean, how many other addictions cater to you while you’re dropping a deuce?

The best running joke in the drinking/bar/club world is that Red Bull cost more than Jagermeister, yet bartenders continually screw themselves by “watering” down my drink with Red Bull.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of ass-backwards is hitting when the dealer is showing a 6 and you have 16, and standing when the dealer is showing a 10 and you have a 16.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of annoying is playing blackjack with someone whose reasoning is ass-backwards.

Ryan won so many $100 chips at the Barbary Coast that the cashier had to ask him what game he was playing and then call someone to verify his winnings … AWESOME! … That’s like a girl taking a picture of you after she has seen you naked so she can prove your manliness to her girlfriends later on… um, right?

What the heck is the “Greg” show? Who the hell is Greg Behrendt? And why is he dressed like the Phantom of the Opera?

As Ryan and I are watching television, he puts $75 down that Terrell Owens will be the next news story we see on CNN – I take the $100 parlay of Anna Nicole Smith’s marital status, Anna Nicole Smith’s reproductive habits and Anna Nicole Smith’s dependant children.

Dang it, we were on ESPN – Ryan wins.

(In case you can’t tell I am channel surfing) In Legends of the Fall, is Julia Ormond’s character a slut or a victim of circumstance?

Not to sound like an English composition professor, but a flight cannot be “very full” – either it’s full or it’s not.

Until airlines start calling the boarding process “planing,” I don’t want them to call the exiting/disembarking process deplaning.