Why does airport seating (those benches near the gate) always include immovable stainless steel armrest making it impossible to lie down or get comfortable?
I was once told by a flight attendant that the airplane smell we are all familiar with is a combination of coffee and body odor.
Sharing an armrest with a stranger is fine up until the point I can feel his arm hair touching mine.
Attention all men, the price of your ticket does not included hitting on the woman sitting next to you unabated for the entire flight … this is a mode of transportation, not an episode of Two-Hour Dating.
Am I the only guy who prefers peeing into a little kid’s urinal instead of the grown-up one? (In case you’re wondering, I like the angles better)
There are certain things in life I’ll never understand, like: the appeal of Nancy Grace, why a non-farmer enrolls at Kansas State University, how professional soccer stays in business in the US, and why the walk left/stand right concept so hard for adults to master?
How long do you think it will be before we will be able to pay extra to have our luggage be the first off the plane?
I’m really glad I’ve never had a reason to be in the McCarran Airport parking garage.
Casinos really need to stop dressing the front of their buildings in advertisements – you didn’t spend a couple hundred million dollars on a beautiful façade, only to drape it with a giant, cheesy picture of Toni Braxton, did you?
This never ceases to amaze me, but it cost more money to build The Wynn than it will to rebuild the World Trade Center.
Have we ever properly figured out why Penn of Penn & Teller is so sweaty, hairy, always yelling and still employed?
What jury decides who is the World’s Best Magician, Vegas’ Best Magician, Vegas’ Funniest Comedian, Funniest Show on the Strip, Greatest Show Starting After 10 But Ending Before Midnight, Best Comedic Magician South of Caesar’s Palace, Funniest Dressed Comedian Posing as a Magician? – Seriously, every performer has one some sort of diluted award to their credit, makes me wonder if that type of advertising even works.
When I go out on a date, how a girl answers this question very much determines whether she and I will have a future: When you get to Vegas at 8:30 a.m., do you stay-up or do you go to the hotel room and rest-up for the day?
On a related note, ordering a free beer at 9:15 a.m. is just a great feeling that never gets old – and that’s not the least bit depressing.
One of my favorite couples in Vegas is the one where the husband looks like he can’t believe he ever thought it was a good idea to invite his wife to Sin City, while the wife looks like she can’t believe what her husband has spent the entire time doing and what he suggested they do last night.
What do you think sucks more: Excalibur, Louie Anderson performing at the Excalibur, or Thunder From Down Under showing every night at the Excalibur? Trick question! They all suck equally.
Tony Bennett is still alive?
In memorial to the binge drinking that took place last night, please stand as my liver performs “What’s Left of Me” by Nick Lachey.
Never gamble with a man who sports a handlebar mustache.
If you find the missing Carrot Top and how ridiculously-buff-Carrot-Top-is joke, will you please call 800-857-2147. Thank you.
Visiting the stalls at The Mirage, I couldn’t happen but notice that they have ash trays next to the toilet … you really gotta be addicted to something to do it while you’re sh*ting … I mean, how many other addictions cater to you while you’re dropping a deuce?
The best running joke in the drinking/bar/club world is that Red Bull cost more than Jagermeister, yet bartenders continually screw themselves by “watering” down my drink with Red Bull.
According to dictionary.com, the definition of ass-backwards is hitting when the dealer is showing a 6 and you have 16, and standing when the dealer is showing a 10 and you have a 16.
According to dictionary.com, the definition of annoying is playing blackjack with someone whose reasoning is ass-backwards.
Ryan won so many $100 chips at the Barbary Coast that the cashier had to ask him what game he was playing and then call someone to verify his winnings … AWESOME! … That’s like a girl taking a picture of you after she has seen you naked so she can prove your manliness to her girlfriends later on… um, right?
What the heck is the “Greg” show? Who the hell is Greg Behrendt? And why is he dressed like the Phantom of the Opera?
As Ryan and I are watching television, he puts $75 down that Terrell Owens will be the next news story we see on CNN – I take the $100 parlay of Anna Nicole Smith’s marital status, Anna Nicole Smith’s reproductive habits and Anna Nicole Smith’s dependant children.
Dang it, we were on ESPN – Ryan wins.
(In case you can’t tell I am channel surfing) In Legends of the Fall, is Julia Ormond’s character a slut or a victim of circumstance?
Not to sound like an English composition professor, but a flight cannot be “very full” – either it’s full or it’s not.
Until airlines start calling the boarding process “planing,” I don’t want them to call the exiting/disembarking process deplaning.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Missing in Action
Since I haven’t written in 419 months, I thought I would blog about all the emails I have received during my hiatus. Here is a small pu-pu platter of those emails …
Where the *uck have you been, Bill? I was forced to read poetry because you weren’t blogging, you selfish SOB!
I wish I could say I have been really busy at work and that the computer at the place I live doesn’t operate anymore – but I don’t want to lie to you. The truth is that I witnessed a murder and was forced to go into the witness protection program until I testify. Sadly, I had to testify in Hawaii and on the plane ride to Honolulu someone let hundreds of snakes free on the plane. And just when the situation looked doomed and I’d never blog again, I turned to the pilot and said, “ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I have had it with these mother *ucking snakes on this mother *ucking plane!”
Luckily, everything turned out fine and I was able to testify. I am now free of my obligations to American jurisprudence and ready to write. Let’s answer some more questions!
Bill, given the choice, where would you rather train, at Superman’s Fortress of Solitude or Yoda’s place on Degobah?”
- Since I am currently house-hunting, lets start out with location, location, location.
The Fortress of Solitude (FOS) is located near the North Pole and is a replica of the planet Krypton. Unfortunately, Krypton is made entirely of giant slabs of ice and looks like it could host the opening ceremonies for the next Winter Olympics. Degobah, on the other hand is a swamp, and unless you root for the Florida Gators or are a redneck, or both, that probably doesn’t appeal to you, either. Hmmmm. Lets go to the tiebreaker.
Superman scored with Lois Lane at the FOS in Superman II and Luke never, ever got laid - even with the ability to use Jedi mind tricks, on Degobah or anywhere else for that matter.
Winner: Fortress of Solitude
- Teachers
At the FOS you get hours and hours of crystal-DVD footage of Superman’s dad, Jor-El, who teaches you pretty much everything there is to know about the universe. The actor who plays Jor-El is none other than The Godfather himself, Marlon Brando. So not only do you get all the knowledge you’ll ever need, you get to learn it from the Super-Godfather. Can you imagine him saying “And if by chance an honest superhero like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies -- Then Lex Luther will fear you.” Good god. What a combination!
Then there is Yoda - the wisest of all the Jedi, who will have you picking up rocks and doing random gymnastics before you know it. Yoda can see the future, sense your fear, make you stronger with the force, and isn’t afraid to chew your ass or smack you with his wooden cane when you get out of line.
Again, this is a close one. As much as I like watching movies, I don’t want to spend day after day getting lectured by Jor-El, even if he is the Super-Godfather (I feel like I am going to get a horse head in my bed just saying that). Yoda can give me the type of on-the-job, personal one-on-one training I need. And he leads by example, only trains the best, and frankly I like the tough love from the little fella – gotta respect that.
Winner: Degobah
- Food
Since I can’t fly and neither can you, getting a solid meal at the FOS would be somewhat of pain – kinda like staying at The Stratosphere in Vegas. I would assume there is a full assortment of polar bears, penguins, and seals for you eat nearby, but they probably aren’t readily available.
Yoda on the other hand seems to enjoy and take pride in his cooking - even if it does taste like leftover Arby’s. Whose knows what kind of Fear Factor-like ingredients he is using though, considering he is surrounded by snakes, lizards, bats and giant sea creatures – like the one that tried to eat R2-D2.
Since I can’t cook and haven’t killed a polar animal since my Junior Homecoming, and Yoda’s warm cooking sounds good after a long day of searching and reaching out with my feelings …
Winner: Degobah, but not because of menu
- Amenities
Degobah features that cool cave that is strong with the dark side of the force and can show you, in pretty specific detail, your greatest fears. What’s in the cave is only what you bring with you. Sweet. Degobah also has Yoda’s house that looks like he could share with the Keebler Elves if they ever get evicted from their tree.
The FOS has the newest flat-ice-screen TV technology Krypton has to offer, plus an awesome chamber that can take away your powers in the event your overbearing and unsympathetic girlfriend tells you that you need to make some changes in your life.
Okay, so how many times can you really walk through that cave on Degobah that is strong with the dark side? I mean really. Wouldn’t it get like riding the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World too many times and eventually you would start to take it for granted? The FOS has a pretty comfy bed (you could even chisel your accomplishments into the ice instead of a bedpost), is relatively modern, offers you a place you can show off to dates, has a giant TV, is built for people taller than six feet, and doesn’t have snakes slithering around.
Verdict: Fortress of Solitude
So overall where would I rather live and train? I’d have to say the Fortress of Solitude. There are safety concerns I need to think of, too. I am much more likely to be bitten by a snake on Degobah, than I am to develop frostbite or accidentally slip and fall off of something at the FOS. Plus, the combination of the Super-Godfather DVDs, the success Superman has had with women there, and the cathedral-like architecture of the fortress is just too much for Yoda and his swamp to overcome.
Winner: Fortress of Solitude
Bill, what was the funniest thing the announcers said during the surprisingly inspiring New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons Monday Night Football game?
“He must have seen something that made him want to pull it out of his pants.”
- Joe Theismann, regarding the referee throwing a flag for pass interference.
Bill, after how many months of dating is okay to start farting in front of the other person?
First I assume you want to keep dating the person, right?
So operating under that assumption, I think you have to evaluate this based on two sets of criteria. One, is the man farting or the woman? Two, is it an audible fart or a silent one?
I think regardless of gender, start off slow. See if you can slip in a couple of silent ones early on in the relationship while in a safe environment, i.e. – large crowd, walks on a windy day, low risk stuff like that. You might be a suspect but you’ll always have plausible deniability.
Call me cautious, but I wouldn’t upgrade into more risky locations: like in the car during a road trip, watching TV or while lying in bed, until you’ve exchanged I love you’s and actually meant it. And even then you should probably wait 6-8 months. There is just too much at risk. You don’t want to lose someone special or guarantee the object your affection will never be attracted to you again because you ate too much Taco Johns when you stopped to get gas (pun intended) in Goodland, Kansas.
Unfortunately for women, silent farts are really as far as you should ever go regardless of how long you’ve been dating. We guys don’t ever want to hear you fart. Even though we understand that you are built with much of the same plumbing we are, frankly we don’t want to hear our woman dropping bombs like Israel fighting Hezbollah, at any stage in the relationship. It ruins your princess image. Totally a double standard, so deal with it.
Men, I probably wouldn’t let a good audible fart go in front of the women until you have a good mental hold on her. You’ll know when that time is. I don’t need to tell you.
Now, who’s hungry for sushi?!?!
With the one year anniversary of the Kansas Jayhawks absolutely killing the Nebraska Cornhuskers coming up this Saturday night, what are your thoughts on KU football this year?
Let me start out by saying that Ryan and I set the United States record for the most random 40-15 (the final score of the game) jokes said to Nebraska fans. Wherever we went and saw someone with an N on their apparel, they were immediately subjected to a healthy dose of jabs, barbs, mocking and sarcasm – sometimes under our breath, often times more audible. It didn’t matter if we saw the N in a restaurant, at a casino, on a plane, at a funeral, or mocked a single mother, a small child, a war veteran, or a disabled farmer, our jokes were relentless - and I’ll tell you, it felt great.
My prediction for this year’s game: Kansas 16, Nebraska 13. Not as snappy as 40-15, but it will do.
Is there a worse song than John Mayer’s “Daughters”?
Probably. But I can’t think of any off the top of my head.
I hate that overly breathy voice singing, “brothers be good to your sisters, because sisters become daughters, who turn into mothers, who become cousins, and turn into bosses, who become ex-wives, and become crossing guards, and turn into chefs on the Food Network.”
The only thing that could make that song worse is if Rod Stewart was singing back-up vocals.
If Best Buy released a “Best of” DVD 4-pack of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Josh Hartnett, and you had to buy one, which one would you purchase?
This is like asking would I rather tear my groin or get kicked in the balls. But since I have to choose …
Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar has on his resume:
- I Know What You Did Last Summer … And a sequel that makes a Family Matters reunion show seem like a good idea.
- She’s All That … Not the girl with ponytail, glasses and paint-covered overalls! Ewww.
- Summer Catch … Where he took being whipped to a whole new level, when he left a baseball game in which he was pitching a freakin’ NO HITTER in the 9th inning, for a girl.
- Scooby Doo … Pretty much ruined every Scooby Doo cartoon I ever watched as a kid and made Fred look like a giant wuss.
Josh Hartnett and his always visible neck mole have made:
- Pearl Harbor … Lets take one of the most historic naval battles of all time and put Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck in the Air Force – seems like a great idea!
- O … It’s hard to believe a cast that featured Josh Hartnett, Julia Stiles and Mekhi Phifer made a bad movie. What’s next, Russell Crowe is going to star in a period piece movie? Unbelievable.
- 40 Days and 40 Nights … This is one of those movies I wish they would remake because I really like the idea; they just did a poor job of executing the film – kinda like Gangs of New York.
- Wicker Park … Did you know its original title was going to be “Answer Your Cell Phone or Leave a Voicemail!”
So I guess if I had to choose, I pick Josh Hartnett and tearing my groin. Maybe tearing my groin would hurt more than getting kicked in balls and watching Freddie, but at least I wouldn’t look like a pansy doing it.
Where the *uck have you been, Bill? I was forced to read poetry because you weren’t blogging, you selfish SOB!
I wish I could say I have been really busy at work and that the computer at the place I live doesn’t operate anymore – but I don’t want to lie to you. The truth is that I witnessed a murder and was forced to go into the witness protection program until I testify. Sadly, I had to testify in Hawaii and on the plane ride to Honolulu someone let hundreds of snakes free on the plane. And just when the situation looked doomed and I’d never blog again, I turned to the pilot and said, “ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I have had it with these mother *ucking snakes on this mother *ucking plane!”
Luckily, everything turned out fine and I was able to testify. I am now free of my obligations to American jurisprudence and ready to write. Let’s answer some more questions!
Bill, given the choice, where would you rather train, at Superman’s Fortress of Solitude or Yoda’s place on Degobah?”
- Since I am currently house-hunting, lets start out with location, location, location.
The Fortress of Solitude (FOS) is located near the North Pole and is a replica of the planet Krypton. Unfortunately, Krypton is made entirely of giant slabs of ice and looks like it could host the opening ceremonies for the next Winter Olympics. Degobah, on the other hand is a swamp, and unless you root for the Florida Gators or are a redneck, or both, that probably doesn’t appeal to you, either. Hmmmm. Lets go to the tiebreaker.
Superman scored with Lois Lane at the FOS in Superman II and Luke never, ever got laid - even with the ability to use Jedi mind tricks, on Degobah or anywhere else for that matter.
Winner: Fortress of Solitude
- Teachers
At the FOS you get hours and hours of crystal-DVD footage of Superman’s dad, Jor-El, who teaches you pretty much everything there is to know about the universe. The actor who plays Jor-El is none other than The Godfather himself, Marlon Brando. So not only do you get all the knowledge you’ll ever need, you get to learn it from the Super-Godfather. Can you imagine him saying “And if by chance an honest superhero like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies -- Then Lex Luther will fear you.” Good god. What a combination!
Then there is Yoda - the wisest of all the Jedi, who will have you picking up rocks and doing random gymnastics before you know it. Yoda can see the future, sense your fear, make you stronger with the force, and isn’t afraid to chew your ass or smack you with his wooden cane when you get out of line.
Again, this is a close one. As much as I like watching movies, I don’t want to spend day after day getting lectured by Jor-El, even if he is the Super-Godfather (I feel like I am going to get a horse head in my bed just saying that). Yoda can give me the type of on-the-job, personal one-on-one training I need. And he leads by example, only trains the best, and frankly I like the tough love from the little fella – gotta respect that.
Winner: Degobah
- Food
Since I can’t fly and neither can you, getting a solid meal at the FOS would be somewhat of pain – kinda like staying at The Stratosphere in Vegas. I would assume there is a full assortment of polar bears, penguins, and seals for you eat nearby, but they probably aren’t readily available.
Yoda on the other hand seems to enjoy and take pride in his cooking - even if it does taste like leftover Arby’s. Whose knows what kind of Fear Factor-like ingredients he is using though, considering he is surrounded by snakes, lizards, bats and giant sea creatures – like the one that tried to eat R2-D2.
Since I can’t cook and haven’t killed a polar animal since my Junior Homecoming, and Yoda’s warm cooking sounds good after a long day of searching and reaching out with my feelings …
Winner: Degobah, but not because of menu
- Amenities
Degobah features that cool cave that is strong with the dark side of the force and can show you, in pretty specific detail, your greatest fears. What’s in the cave is only what you bring with you. Sweet. Degobah also has Yoda’s house that looks like he could share with the Keebler Elves if they ever get evicted from their tree.
The FOS has the newest flat-ice-screen TV technology Krypton has to offer, plus an awesome chamber that can take away your powers in the event your overbearing and unsympathetic girlfriend tells you that you need to make some changes in your life.
Okay, so how many times can you really walk through that cave on Degobah that is strong with the dark side? I mean really. Wouldn’t it get like riding the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World too many times and eventually you would start to take it for granted? The FOS has a pretty comfy bed (you could even chisel your accomplishments into the ice instead of a bedpost), is relatively modern, offers you a place you can show off to dates, has a giant TV, is built for people taller than six feet, and doesn’t have snakes slithering around.
Verdict: Fortress of Solitude
So overall where would I rather live and train? I’d have to say the Fortress of Solitude. There are safety concerns I need to think of, too. I am much more likely to be bitten by a snake on Degobah, than I am to develop frostbite or accidentally slip and fall off of something at the FOS. Plus, the combination of the Super-Godfather DVDs, the success Superman has had with women there, and the cathedral-like architecture of the fortress is just too much for Yoda and his swamp to overcome.
Winner: Fortress of Solitude
Bill, what was the funniest thing the announcers said during the surprisingly inspiring New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons Monday Night Football game?
“He must have seen something that made him want to pull it out of his pants.”
- Joe Theismann, regarding the referee throwing a flag for pass interference.
Bill, after how many months of dating is okay to start farting in front of the other person?
First I assume you want to keep dating the person, right?
So operating under that assumption, I think you have to evaluate this based on two sets of criteria. One, is the man farting or the woman? Two, is it an audible fart or a silent one?
I think regardless of gender, start off slow. See if you can slip in a couple of silent ones early on in the relationship while in a safe environment, i.e. – large crowd, walks on a windy day, low risk stuff like that. You might be a suspect but you’ll always have plausible deniability.
Call me cautious, but I wouldn’t upgrade into more risky locations: like in the car during a road trip, watching TV or while lying in bed, until you’ve exchanged I love you’s and actually meant it. And even then you should probably wait 6-8 months. There is just too much at risk. You don’t want to lose someone special or guarantee the object your affection will never be attracted to you again because you ate too much Taco Johns when you stopped to get gas (pun intended) in Goodland, Kansas.
Unfortunately for women, silent farts are really as far as you should ever go regardless of how long you’ve been dating. We guys don’t ever want to hear you fart. Even though we understand that you are built with much of the same plumbing we are, frankly we don’t want to hear our woman dropping bombs like Israel fighting Hezbollah, at any stage in the relationship. It ruins your princess image. Totally a double standard, so deal with it.
Men, I probably wouldn’t let a good audible fart go in front of the women until you have a good mental hold on her. You’ll know when that time is. I don’t need to tell you.
Now, who’s hungry for sushi?!?!
With the one year anniversary of the Kansas Jayhawks absolutely killing the Nebraska Cornhuskers coming up this Saturday night, what are your thoughts on KU football this year?
Let me start out by saying that Ryan and I set the United States record for the most random 40-15 (the final score of the game) jokes said to Nebraska fans. Wherever we went and saw someone with an N on their apparel, they were immediately subjected to a healthy dose of jabs, barbs, mocking and sarcasm – sometimes under our breath, often times more audible. It didn’t matter if we saw the N in a restaurant, at a casino, on a plane, at a funeral, or mocked a single mother, a small child, a war veteran, or a disabled farmer, our jokes were relentless - and I’ll tell you, it felt great.
My prediction for this year’s game: Kansas 16, Nebraska 13. Not as snappy as 40-15, but it will do.
Is there a worse song than John Mayer’s “Daughters”?
Probably. But I can’t think of any off the top of my head.
I hate that overly breathy voice singing, “brothers be good to your sisters, because sisters become daughters, who turn into mothers, who become cousins, and turn into bosses, who become ex-wives, and become crossing guards, and turn into chefs on the Food Network.”
The only thing that could make that song worse is if Rod Stewart was singing back-up vocals.
If Best Buy released a “Best of” DVD 4-pack of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Josh Hartnett, and you had to buy one, which one would you purchase?
This is like asking would I rather tear my groin or get kicked in the balls. But since I have to choose …
Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar has on his resume:
- I Know What You Did Last Summer … And a sequel that makes a Family Matters reunion show seem like a good idea.
- She’s All That … Not the girl with ponytail, glasses and paint-covered overalls! Ewww.
- Summer Catch … Where he took being whipped to a whole new level, when he left a baseball game in which he was pitching a freakin’ NO HITTER in the 9th inning, for a girl.
- Scooby Doo … Pretty much ruined every Scooby Doo cartoon I ever watched as a kid and made Fred look like a giant wuss.
Josh Hartnett and his always visible neck mole have made:
- Pearl Harbor … Lets take one of the most historic naval battles of all time and put Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck in the Air Force – seems like a great idea!
- O … It’s hard to believe a cast that featured Josh Hartnett, Julia Stiles and Mekhi Phifer made a bad movie. What’s next, Russell Crowe is going to star in a period piece movie? Unbelievable.
- 40 Days and 40 Nights … This is one of those movies I wish they would remake because I really like the idea; they just did a poor job of executing the film – kinda like Gangs of New York.
- Wicker Park … Did you know its original title was going to be “Answer Your Cell Phone or Leave a Voicemail!”
So I guess if I had to choose, I pick Josh Hartnett and tearing my groin. Maybe tearing my groin would hurt more than getting kicked in balls and watching Freddie, but at least I wouldn’t look like a pansy doing it.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Random Brainstorming Rambling Thoughts
Anyone who has ever written anything: a short story, a poem, a blog, a grocery list, has written something along the lines of “random thoughts.” They may call it different names, like: ramblings, incoherent babble, brainstorming, or whatever, but they all have written some derivation of random commentary on life. As a writer, you can’t escape not writing it, it’s impossible. So, here is my contribution to the genre. My random thoughts on this day …
- In every Vince Vaughn movie there has to be at least one scene of him talking trash while playing a video game.
- Why won’t Wendy’s let you get your own refills?
- Speaking of fast-food, here’s a fun fact … I was reading on the In-n-Out Burgers Web site that their name originally was going to be: In-wait-wait-still wait-read the Bible verse at the bottom of your drink cup-wait-keeping waiting-n-Out Burgers, but that wouldn’t fit on their sign and most marking material, so they shorten it to, In-n-Out Burgers – isn’t that fascinating?
- Wearing sunglasses while playing poker is performance enhancing – no different than Barry Bonds taking steroids.
- Anyone planning on taking a Vegas trip should boycott the casino formerly known as Treasure Island. Madonna did a better job covering “American Pie” than MGM (Treasure Island’s owners) has done with “TI.” Whoever was responsible for replacing the sign, changing the name to TI, taking away the pirate battle and replacing it with “Sirens,” and making the inside as appealing as a Hays, Kansas martini bar, should be banished to hand-cleaning the Statue of David at Caesar’s Palace until they retire.
- On the road, is there any place truckers aren’t welcome?
- If NBA players are supposedly the best athletes in the world, why do they constantly travel? It’d be like me claiming to be the best writer in the world, yet having basic grammar mistakes in my writing. Don’t they teach you not to travel with the basketball in like 2nd grade? Or maybe it’s 3rd? Regardless, I’d have a lot more respect for their abilities if they didn’t take three and four steps every time they drive to the basket.
- Isn’t it fun how angry people from Illinois get when you pronounce the S in Illinois.
- In case you’re wondering, yes it is possible to overdose on Dots and still feel them in your stomach three days later.
- I really don’t like it when stores, like American Eagle for instance, ask you who or what you’re shopping for. It just rubs me the wrong way. I’m pretty sure this trend won’t stop at who I am shopping for either. Eventually they going to start asking me how long my inseam is? Or if I was hugged enough as a child? Or if I cried in Field of Dreams. Too intrusive for me.
- Speaking of too intrusive, please stop asking me who my cell phone carrier is when I walk by. You know who you are. Stop it!
- How cool would it be to have an alarm clock that plays “I Got You Babe” every morning?
- Since HBO is in the process showing Episode III: Revenge of the Sith every hour on the hour, I can’t help but feel embarrassed for the way George Lucas butchered Return of the Jedi and the most recent three films. I grew up on Star Wars and it really bothers me what he did to the franchise. Michael Jordan’s time on the Washington Wizard had more success than Lucas controlling his last four Star Wars projects. You take away the scene with Darth Vadar getting strapped into his Darth Vadar ensemble and one conversation between The Emperor and Anakin Skywalker while watching Cirque Du Soilel in Episode III, and all three movies were basically terrible. As Sonny said in A Bronx Tale, “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.”
- Speaking of HBO, I want fans of Entourage to answer this question … Who would you rather sleep with, Turtle or Johnny Drama? Please consider both looks and personality.
- So, who did you have in your World Cup bracket, Angola or Serbia?
- Travelers beware! At Embassy Suites, in addition to the inflated room service prices ($22 for a shrimp cocktail, $104 and a credit check for a New York Steak, $17 for a side of ketchup), they charge an extra 15% service fee PLUS a $5 dollar clean-up fee. Who do they think they are, the oil companies? Unless you want to reenact certain scenes from Deliverance, I’d recommend not getting room service at an Embassy Suites. But it begs the question, what in the name of Clark W. Griswold does the already increased prices NOT cover that the extra 15% and extra $5 pay for??? (Yes, that was an appropriate time to use multiple question marks.)
- If you’re looking for any holiday gift ideas on Amazon this year, be sure to look up my first two published books, “Blackjack for Rednecks - Why You Don’t Hit on 16 When the Dealer is Showing a 6” and the follow-up book, “Just Because It’s a $5 Table, It’s Still Not Okay To Make Dumb Decisions.”
- The “Un-break My Heart” identify theft commercial may be the most annoying commercial of all-time. I am pretty sure I could break down anyone mentally just by replaying that commercial over and over and over again. I’d bet you I could make John McCain cry like David Hasselhoff at the American Idol finale, just by playing that commercial.
- Here’s a phrase you’ll never hear a guy say to another guy, “Lets spend the day together.”
- For as much doom-n-gloom we read in the paper each day: Iraq, immigration, the pending apocalypse, Brittany Spear’s reproductive habits, it’s refreshing for Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to show us that while money is great, there is only so much you can have, and there are far more valuable things than “dynastic wealth.” Warren Buffet’s philanthropic donation is the equivalent of giving $6 to every person on Earth. Amazing. Thanks Bill and Warren for the billion reminders on what’s truly important.
- In every Vince Vaughn movie there has to be at least one scene of him talking trash while playing a video game.
- Why won’t Wendy’s let you get your own refills?
- Speaking of fast-food, here’s a fun fact … I was reading on the In-n-Out Burgers Web site that their name originally was going to be: In-wait-wait-still wait-read the Bible verse at the bottom of your drink cup-wait-keeping waiting-n-Out Burgers, but that wouldn’t fit on their sign and most marking material, so they shorten it to, In-n-Out Burgers – isn’t that fascinating?
- Wearing sunglasses while playing poker is performance enhancing – no different than Barry Bonds taking steroids.
- Anyone planning on taking a Vegas trip should boycott the casino formerly known as Treasure Island. Madonna did a better job covering “American Pie” than MGM (Treasure Island’s owners) has done with “TI.” Whoever was responsible for replacing the sign, changing the name to TI, taking away the pirate battle and replacing it with “Sirens,” and making the inside as appealing as a Hays, Kansas martini bar, should be banished to hand-cleaning the Statue of David at Caesar’s Palace until they retire.
- On the road, is there any place truckers aren’t welcome?
- If NBA players are supposedly the best athletes in the world, why do they constantly travel? It’d be like me claiming to be the best writer in the world, yet having basic grammar mistakes in my writing. Don’t they teach you not to travel with the basketball in like 2nd grade? Or maybe it’s 3rd? Regardless, I’d have a lot more respect for their abilities if they didn’t take three and four steps every time they drive to the basket.
- Isn’t it fun how angry people from Illinois get when you pronounce the S in Illinois.
- In case you’re wondering, yes it is possible to overdose on Dots and still feel them in your stomach three days later.
- I really don’t like it when stores, like American Eagle for instance, ask you who or what you’re shopping for. It just rubs me the wrong way. I’m pretty sure this trend won’t stop at who I am shopping for either. Eventually they going to start asking me how long my inseam is? Or if I was hugged enough as a child? Or if I cried in Field of Dreams. Too intrusive for me.
- Speaking of too intrusive, please stop asking me who my cell phone carrier is when I walk by. You know who you are. Stop it!
- How cool would it be to have an alarm clock that plays “I Got You Babe” every morning?
- Since HBO is in the process showing Episode III: Revenge of the Sith every hour on the hour, I can’t help but feel embarrassed for the way George Lucas butchered Return of the Jedi and the most recent three films. I grew up on Star Wars and it really bothers me what he did to the franchise. Michael Jordan’s time on the Washington Wizard had more success than Lucas controlling his last four Star Wars projects. You take away the scene with Darth Vadar getting strapped into his Darth Vadar ensemble and one conversation between The Emperor and Anakin Skywalker while watching Cirque Du Soilel in Episode III, and all three movies were basically terrible. As Sonny said in A Bronx Tale, “the saddest thing in life is wasted talent.”
- Speaking of HBO, I want fans of Entourage to answer this question … Who would you rather sleep with, Turtle or Johnny Drama? Please consider both looks and personality.
- So, who did you have in your World Cup bracket, Angola or Serbia?
- Travelers beware! At Embassy Suites, in addition to the inflated room service prices ($22 for a shrimp cocktail, $104 and a credit check for a New York Steak, $17 for a side of ketchup), they charge an extra 15% service fee PLUS a $5 dollar clean-up fee. Who do they think they are, the oil companies? Unless you want to reenact certain scenes from Deliverance, I’d recommend not getting room service at an Embassy Suites. But it begs the question, what in the name of Clark W. Griswold does the already increased prices NOT cover that the extra 15% and extra $5 pay for??? (Yes, that was an appropriate time to use multiple question marks.)
- If you’re looking for any holiday gift ideas on Amazon this year, be sure to look up my first two published books, “Blackjack for Rednecks - Why You Don’t Hit on 16 When the Dealer is Showing a 6” and the follow-up book, “Just Because It’s a $5 Table, It’s Still Not Okay To Make Dumb Decisions.”
- The “Un-break My Heart” identify theft commercial may be the most annoying commercial of all-time. I am pretty sure I could break down anyone mentally just by replaying that commercial over and over and over again. I’d bet you I could make John McCain cry like David Hasselhoff at the American Idol finale, just by playing that commercial.
- Here’s a phrase you’ll never hear a guy say to another guy, “Lets spend the day together.”
- For as much doom-n-gloom we read in the paper each day: Iraq, immigration, the pending apocalypse, Brittany Spear’s reproductive habits, it’s refreshing for Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to show us that while money is great, there is only so much you can have, and there are far more valuable things than “dynastic wealth.” Warren Buffet’s philanthropic donation is the equivalent of giving $6 to every person on Earth. Amazing. Thanks Bill and Warren for the billion reminders on what’s truly important.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Fresh Meat
Before we get started, I need to say congratulations and to my friend and former boss, Rubi Nicholas, who won Nick at Nite’s American’s Funniest Mom competition. Despite never, ever doing stand-up before, Rubi shocked the world to become the funniest female in suburbia. Who would have thought? Rubi won a substantial monetary prize and will now develop her own comedy series. Very cool. Good job, Rubi!
Now, in honor of the Real World: Denver, appropriately currently filming in Denver right now, this post will be dedicated those obliviously funny individuals on the new Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat Challenge, presently being shown on MTV.
Here are some actual quotes from the real, everyday people on the show …
“This is our job. You don’t see me coming down to your job at Starbucks trying to out-latte you.”
- Theo (In response to “veteran” Real World and Road Rules cast members competing against “fresh meat” who have no MTV experience.)
Yikes. On the “You are at 14:53 on the 15 Minutes of Fame” Clock, is appearing on The Surreal Life, Hollywood Squares, Dancing with the Stars or claiming competing on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is your job, more tragically pathetic?
Part of me thinks (or hopes, I haven’t decided yet), that Theo is kidding. On the other hand, that would require a certain amount of life perspective, which to say these people lack perspective, would be like saying Jennifer Aniston’s movie career thus far is just disappointing. It’s a huge understatement.
One other note, how does Theo’s logic work anyway: Previously appearing on a reality TV program makes you more qualified to appear on another reality TV program? Does that mean you more experienced in being real? I’m confused.
“He outran a black dude!”
- Coral (Blissfully summarizing how talented her “fresh meat” teammate, Evan – a white guy, is.)
And Evan has never been on MTV before either - amazing!
This is the part of the post where I am tempted to write 1,000 words about sports and race; but I just had back-to-back articles on religion and The DaVinci Code and I’m tired of writing about serious stuff – lets stay on the shallow side of the pool, shall we?
“Hi, my name is Aviv.”
If you were competing against her, would you strive to find situations in which you could redundantly and annoyingly say, “Go tell Aviv … “ to the point she’d go crazy, start crying, confront you, accuse you of being “disrespectful,” only for you to make the joke one more time, and accuse her of having an eating disorder, which then causes her to abruptly leave the show and appear on Larry King claiming you hate the state of Israel?
Me neither, just asking. She seems like a nice person.
“Hi, my name is Diem.”
Carpe! Seize the … oh wait, just found out that Diem has ovarian cancer. She just emotionally described how she wants to give it her all physically on the show because she doesn’t know when she’ll get to physical again; due to her upcoming chemotherapy treatments.
Ouch. I feel bad. I am now going to dodge lightening bolts for making fun of a cancer victim. Excuse me.
“Hi, I’m your host, T.J. Lavin.”
I don’t get this guy. He’s not funny, he looks bored and makes Ben Stein seem like Samuel L. Jackson.
For entertainment’s sake, why doesn’t MTV hire Wink Martindale, Chuck Woolery, Pat Sajak or Alex Trebeck to host these shows? At least then they could use words like “sequester” and chuckle like a game show host while all the cast members try to figure out what sequester means. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Pat Sajak awkwardly flirt with Tonya or have Chuck Woolery interview an angry Wes as he tries to prevent him from berating Casey
“We got a clue!”
My favorite moment of every Real World/Road Rules Challenge is when they get a text message describing the next event, and someone always excitedly screams “We got a clue!”
And then five minutes later you watch Evan staple Danny’s name into his ass. Yep, they have a clue.
“You have to know where I am coming from.”
“I’m the type of person … “
“I’m don’t like you disrespecting me.”
These are the three borderline clichéd phrases you will hear at least once on every reality show, that drive me crazier than Charlize Theron at the end of Devil’s Advocate.
Ask yourself, when was the last time you told someone in your life to know where you’re coming from? Or imagine being at work, discussing a raise with your boss and saying, “Chris, if you knew were I was coming from, you’d give me more money.” Or “I guess I am the type of person who wants to get paid more.” Or how about if your boss was giving you some feedback during your annual review and you proclaim, “I don’t like you disrespecting me like this.”
“I don’t want to go into exile.”
“I don’t want to go into The Exile.”
Since I am somewhat of a grammar geek, I find myself wondering what’s correct? The Exile would make it a proper noun. And since The Exile is a specific place, named location in Australia, it’s quite possible saying “The Exile” is right. Just like the inferno, the gauntlet, etc. However, the definition of exile is, “Enforced removal from one's native country, to banish” which exactly what they are doing on the show, literally and figuratively. So it seems to me that “exile” is more correct than “The Exile,” simply because I think that is the spirit of the law. Of course, you could say the same about the inferno and the gauntlet, too. Okay, I’m confused again.
“They don’t realize how twisted, dirty and backstabbing this game can be.”
Here’s what I don’t get, good guys like Alton, Derrick, Timmy and M.J. all accomplished a lot in The Gauntlet II. Yet pain-in-the-ass people like Beth and Tonya always seem to fighting for their reality life and have a giant Target logo on their back. So why does everyone think you need to be conniving, mean and backstabbing to succeed? Even good people, like Ruthie, who have been eliminated early on, always seem to earn everyone’s respect by being fair, trying her hardest and acting relatively civil.
So if you have a better chance of winning by being “professional” (and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible), why take the unethical and immoral approach? Seems like a poor recipe for success. If you are going to claim this show as your job, shouldn’t you try to be good at it? Speaking of …
“You can’t do anything … you are basically athletically worthless.”
- Vince Lombardi
I’m sorry. Actually, that wasn’t Vince Lombardi, it was Wes to his teammate/partner, Casey. My fault. It’s so easy to get those two mixed up.
Anyway, if your career basically consists of competing on a reality show, and you and your teammate stand to make $250,000 from this competition, and whether or not you personally win $125k directly correlates to how well your teammate/partner performs, do you really want verbally beat the *hit of that person during the first week? Do you really want to treat your partner the same way Brittney Spears treats her son?
“I’m really good at making bad decisions.”
“I eat babies.”
Lets agree to hold off on buying our tickets to 7 Habit of Highly Successful Reality Stars Conference, until after the summer.
“On June 16, meet Nacho!”
“I alone hold the key to saving our future. Buy Underworld: Revolution on DVD June 16!”
Okay, not part of the show but I did see these two commercials while I was watching. When I was growing up, I got Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Die Hard, The Goonies, Star Wars and Tom Hanks doing comedy. Nowadays kids get Jack Black as a professional wrestler, Kate Beckinsale saving the world and a Miami Vice movie starring Colin Ferrell. No wonder adolescents are so confused, they have hobbits and hogwarts as their roll models.
And finally …
“I’m looking at the board (balance beam), focusing on every grain on the board and that’s when I decided to just eat the board.”
- Eric, after walking across a balance beam that was hanging 80 stories over the side of a building.
I made-up one part of that last quote – guess which part? Eric is the heaviest person ever to fit on MTV, and for a second I honestly believed he was going to eat the balance beam and ruin the challenge. Turns out, he performed very well and quelled his appetite. I just hope Eric watches Chris Farley’s E!’s True Hollywood Story before his 15 minutes are up.
All joking aside, I think it’s great that MTV decided to put on a person who wasn’t attractive and isn’t of perfect physical proportions. Eric is the Jackie Robinson of MTV. Hopefully he’ll open the door for all the chubby or unattractive people out there who dream of forming alliances, talking behind people’s back, taking themselves too seriously, while competing on a reality show into their mid-30s on MTV, and thought they’d never make it.
Gotta love this show!
Now, in honor of the Real World: Denver, appropriately currently filming in Denver right now, this post will be dedicated those obliviously funny individuals on the new Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat Challenge, presently being shown on MTV.
Here are some actual quotes from the real, everyday people on the show …
“This is our job. You don’t see me coming down to your job at Starbucks trying to out-latte you.”
- Theo (In response to “veteran” Real World and Road Rules cast members competing against “fresh meat” who have no MTV experience.)
Yikes. On the “You are at 14:53 on the 15 Minutes of Fame” Clock, is appearing on The Surreal Life, Hollywood Squares, Dancing with the Stars or claiming competing on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is your job, more tragically pathetic?
Part of me thinks (or hopes, I haven’t decided yet), that Theo is kidding. On the other hand, that would require a certain amount of life perspective, which to say these people lack perspective, would be like saying Jennifer Aniston’s movie career thus far is just disappointing. It’s a huge understatement.
One other note, how does Theo’s logic work anyway: Previously appearing on a reality TV program makes you more qualified to appear on another reality TV program? Does that mean you more experienced in being real? I’m confused.
“He outran a black dude!”
- Coral (Blissfully summarizing how talented her “fresh meat” teammate, Evan – a white guy, is.)
And Evan has never been on MTV before either - amazing!
This is the part of the post where I am tempted to write 1,000 words about sports and race; but I just had back-to-back articles on religion and The DaVinci Code and I’m tired of writing about serious stuff – lets stay on the shallow side of the pool, shall we?
“Hi, my name is Aviv.”
If you were competing against her, would you strive to find situations in which you could redundantly and annoyingly say, “Go tell Aviv … “ to the point she’d go crazy, start crying, confront you, accuse you of being “disrespectful,” only for you to make the joke one more time, and accuse her of having an eating disorder, which then causes her to abruptly leave the show and appear on Larry King claiming you hate the state of Israel?
Me neither, just asking. She seems like a nice person.
“Hi, my name is Diem.”
Carpe! Seize the … oh wait, just found out that Diem has ovarian cancer. She just emotionally described how she wants to give it her all physically on the show because she doesn’t know when she’ll get to physical again; due to her upcoming chemotherapy treatments.
Ouch. I feel bad. I am now going to dodge lightening bolts for making fun of a cancer victim. Excuse me.
“Hi, I’m your host, T.J. Lavin.”
I don’t get this guy. He’s not funny, he looks bored and makes Ben Stein seem like Samuel L. Jackson.
For entertainment’s sake, why doesn’t MTV hire Wink Martindale, Chuck Woolery, Pat Sajak or Alex Trebeck to host these shows? At least then they could use words like “sequester” and chuckle like a game show host while all the cast members try to figure out what sequester means. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Pat Sajak awkwardly flirt with Tonya or have Chuck Woolery interview an angry Wes as he tries to prevent him from berating Casey
“We got a clue!”
My favorite moment of every Real World/Road Rules Challenge is when they get a text message describing the next event, and someone always excitedly screams “We got a clue!”
And then five minutes later you watch Evan staple Danny’s name into his ass. Yep, they have a clue.
“You have to know where I am coming from.”
“I’m the type of person … “
“I’m don’t like you disrespecting me.”
These are the three borderline clichéd phrases you will hear at least once on every reality show, that drive me crazier than Charlize Theron at the end of Devil’s Advocate.
Ask yourself, when was the last time you told someone in your life to know where you’re coming from? Or imagine being at work, discussing a raise with your boss and saying, “Chris, if you knew were I was coming from, you’d give me more money.” Or “I guess I am the type of person who wants to get paid more.” Or how about if your boss was giving you some feedback during your annual review and you proclaim, “I don’t like you disrespecting me like this.”
“I don’t want to go into exile.”
“I don’t want to go into The Exile.”
Since I am somewhat of a grammar geek, I find myself wondering what’s correct? The Exile would make it a proper noun. And since The Exile is a specific place, named location in Australia, it’s quite possible saying “The Exile” is right. Just like the inferno, the gauntlet, etc. However, the definition of exile is, “Enforced removal from one's native country, to banish” which exactly what they are doing on the show, literally and figuratively. So it seems to me that “exile” is more correct than “The Exile,” simply because I think that is the spirit of the law. Of course, you could say the same about the inferno and the gauntlet, too. Okay, I’m confused again.
“They don’t realize how twisted, dirty and backstabbing this game can be.”
Here’s what I don’t get, good guys like Alton, Derrick, Timmy and M.J. all accomplished a lot in The Gauntlet II. Yet pain-in-the-ass people like Beth and Tonya always seem to fighting for their reality life and have a giant Target logo on their back. So why does everyone think you need to be conniving, mean and backstabbing to succeed? Even good people, like Ruthie, who have been eliminated early on, always seem to earn everyone’s respect by being fair, trying her hardest and acting relatively civil.
So if you have a better chance of winning by being “professional” (and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible), why take the unethical and immoral approach? Seems like a poor recipe for success. If you are going to claim this show as your job, shouldn’t you try to be good at it? Speaking of …
“You can’t do anything … you are basically athletically worthless.”
- Vince Lombardi
I’m sorry. Actually, that wasn’t Vince Lombardi, it was Wes to his teammate/partner, Casey. My fault. It’s so easy to get those two mixed up.
Anyway, if your career basically consists of competing on a reality show, and you and your teammate stand to make $250,000 from this competition, and whether or not you personally win $125k directly correlates to how well your teammate/partner performs, do you really want verbally beat the *hit of that person during the first week? Do you really want to treat your partner the same way Brittney Spears treats her son?
“I’m really good at making bad decisions.”
“I eat babies.”
Lets agree to hold off on buying our tickets to 7 Habit of Highly Successful Reality Stars Conference, until after the summer.
“On June 16, meet Nacho!”
“I alone hold the key to saving our future. Buy Underworld: Revolution on DVD June 16!”
Okay, not part of the show but I did see these two commercials while I was watching. When I was growing up, I got Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Die Hard, The Goonies, Star Wars and Tom Hanks doing comedy. Nowadays kids get Jack Black as a professional wrestler, Kate Beckinsale saving the world and a Miami Vice movie starring Colin Ferrell. No wonder adolescents are so confused, they have hobbits and hogwarts as their roll models.
And finally …
“I’m looking at the board (balance beam), focusing on every grain on the board and that’s when I decided to just eat the board.”
- Eric, after walking across a balance beam that was hanging 80 stories over the side of a building.
I made-up one part of that last quote – guess which part? Eric is the heaviest person ever to fit on MTV, and for a second I honestly believed he was going to eat the balance beam and ruin the challenge. Turns out, he performed very well and quelled his appetite. I just hope Eric watches Chris Farley’s E!’s True Hollywood Story before his 15 minutes are up.
All joking aside, I think it’s great that MTV decided to put on a person who wasn’t attractive and isn’t of perfect physical proportions. Eric is the Jackie Robinson of MTV. Hopefully he’ll open the door for all the chubby or unattractive people out there who dream of forming alliances, talking behind people’s back, taking themselves too seriously, while competing on a reality show into their mid-30s on MTV, and thought they’d never make it.
Gotta love this show!
Monday, May 22, 2006
A Review of The DaVinci Code Movie
It was just a movie.
After reading the book, seeing countless books get published debunking the book, watching the Biography and History Channel, and A&E all formally change their names to The DaVinci Code Channel, and listening to everyone get their feathers all ruffled-up and bent out of shape, it turns out The DaVinci Code is just another movie. No more, no less. And in the end, The DaVinci Code’s grail quest turned out to be a more intellectual, but less entertaining movie, than Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Since it’s a Monday and I am in a great mood, lets start out with the good:
- Ian McKellan (Sir Lee Teabing in the movie) is officially being entered into the Voiceover Hall of Fame, joining charter members Anthony Hopkins and Morgan Freeman. This guy could say anything and it’d sound regal … “You’re about ready to witness the greatest colonoscopy the world has ever seen.” I love listening to him talk and explain things, which probably saved the movie since McKellan’s character rambles on like a drunk chick at a bar who just broke up with her boyfriend, for half the film.
(SPOILER ALERT: One of the best scenes of the movie is the look on Tom Hanks’ face as McKellan kept talking and talking and talking and talking while getting arrested and dragged into a police car - and yet still wouldn’t shut up! The expression Tom gives us during that scene is the reason he has won two Academy Awards)
- The movie is under three hours long and Ron Howard did a great job pacing the film. The movie never drags and he doesn’t waste a lot of screen time on unnecessary subplots or plot points. On behalf of my ass and bladder, I thank you Mr. Howard.
- For all the calls to protest and boycott the movie (by the way, it grossed over $200 million worldwide last week), The DaVinci Code doesn’t make a whole lot of “factual” claims outside of the ones necessary to tell the fictional story. Robert Langdon (Hanks’ character) was consistently skeptical of the historical theories tossed around by the other characters and the movie doesn’t approach the “factual” rhetoric used by Dan Brown in recent interviews. Not surprisingly, the book tries to present itself much more as historically accurate than the movie does. But when you evaluate the entire movie, it’s easy to see that Opus Dei is not portrayed as an out-of-control, evil organization (at best you could say they had two bad apples who were manipulated), the claims about Jesus and Mary do not, or rather should not, destroy Christianity or cause a crisis of faith, and that the assertions about Christianity (while they may be historically inaccurate) are told in a way that make the movie entertaining and worth seeing.
That being said, let’s not throw The DaVinci Code in with The Godfather, Casablanca and American Beauty quite yet …
Here were the problems:
- Tom Hanks was not a good choice to portray Robert Langdon. Hanks became an iconic movie star by playing the “everyday” sort of guy, not the intellect. If you look at Tom’s most successful roles: Forrest Gump (playing as simple as a character as there is), Big (playing a child in an adult body) and Saving Private Ryan (a high school grammar teacher), he thrives with characters who are not all that different from the average movie audience. Even in movies where he plays smarter characters: Catch Me If You Can, Cast Away, Apollo 13, you never got the sense Hanks was a brilliant thinker. That isn’t a knock on Tom Hanks, he’s obviously intelligent, but his relate-ability to the audience is what makes him great. In The DaVinci Code, Robert Langdon is an Ivy League professor, a genius of symbols, and you never totally buy in to Hanks being that guy, mostly because he seems too much like you and me - and most of us aren’t going to be lecturing in Cambridge anytime soon. As my friend Ryan remarked as we were leaving the theatre, “You never forgot you were watching Tom Hanks.” Hanks didn’t kill the movie by any means, even though there were some scenes and lines where his acting seemed fake and forced (very un-Hanks-like), but an actor like Josh Lucas (A Beautiful Mind, Glory Road, Sweet Home Alabama and Poseidon) would have been a much better choice.
- There was more chemistry between Ron Burgundy and Baxter in Anchorman, than there was between Hanks and Audrey Tautou (Sophie). This isn’t Sleepless in Seattle, so I didn’t want them to fall in love on the Empire State Building, but a good rapport there was not. I never got the sense either of them were enjoying the greatest journey in the history of mankind. If it wasn’t for a few lines here and there uttered by the long-winded Teabing, none of the characters seemed to appreciate what they were discovering. It is amazing to me how un-suspenseful finding the most important artifact EVER, could be. I mean, you are dealing with Jesus, DaVinci, the Vatican, Popes, Emperors, hidden codes, famous museums, knights, priceless works of art – freakin' act like it! On top of all of that, Sophie saw her grandpa’s murdered body, helped an accused murderer flee the country, learned secrets about her family and her true lineage, yet she doesn’t seem all that phased by those events. I think if someone had said, “Robert and Sophie, Jesus himself is waiting for you by the Mona Lisa,” they would have intensely stared at each other for a couple of seconds and then matter-of-factly walked to the end of the hallway like Jesus visits France everyday. At least in Indiana Jones, you got the feeling Harrison Ford and Sean Connery sensed how momentous their discoveries were.
But Sophie kinda looked like the third wife, Margene, from Big Love, so that was fun.
For me, there are two things that you have to do well for a movie to be considered phenomenonal: character development/arc and story. Most of the time it’s easier for a movie to succeed with a weaker story and strong characters, than the other way around. That’s why goofball comedies like Zoolander and Old School, and cheesy action films like Face/Off and Armageddon, are entertaining, and movies with great stories like Munich and The Passion of the Christ, disappoint. Unfortunately, The DaVinci Code is closer to Passion, than Zoolander. Robert Langdon was strictly a vessel to tell the story through. We knew no more about him at the end if the film then we did at the beginning (except for he had a terrifying incident with a well when he was a boy). We knew a little bit more about Sophie, but she certainly didn’t arc. Teabing’s big secret was surprisingly unemotional, mostly because we didn’t know much about him and he didn’t arc either. I can’t help but think that given how charged the story was, had The DaVinci Code nailed the characters, the film would have tremendous.
One final thought about all the controversy …
My friend Nicole, who is a devout Christian, saw the movie this weekend (she didn’t read the book), emailed me today and wrote, “What's all the fuss about exactly?” She’s right. The DaVinci Code movie certainly wasn’t all that radical of a film. In JFK, it’s suggested that Lyndon Johnson was instrumental in having Kennedy assassinated. In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, regardless of what kind of person you are, drinking out of the Holy Grail will give you eternal life (not exactly a Biblically-based theory). Movies have taken shots at the Catholic Church for years (in The Godfather, Part III, the Pope gets whacked by corrupt Catholic clergy) and movies regularly take far-fetched theories, unpopular opinions and selective historical evidence, and convincingly tell a story. That’s what movies do.
The bottom line is, regardless of what Dan Brown has said in interviews, or what was written in the book, there is nothing overtly offensive to Jesus or Christianity in the movie. You may disagree with its conclusions or its interpretation of history, but it is just a movie.
After reading the book, seeing countless books get published debunking the book, watching the Biography and History Channel, and A&E all formally change their names to The DaVinci Code Channel, and listening to everyone get their feathers all ruffled-up and bent out of shape, it turns out The DaVinci Code is just another movie. No more, no less. And in the end, The DaVinci Code’s grail quest turned out to be a more intellectual, but less entertaining movie, than Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Since it’s a Monday and I am in a great mood, lets start out with the good:
- Ian McKellan (Sir Lee Teabing in the movie) is officially being entered into the Voiceover Hall of Fame, joining charter members Anthony Hopkins and Morgan Freeman. This guy could say anything and it’d sound regal … “You’re about ready to witness the greatest colonoscopy the world has ever seen.” I love listening to him talk and explain things, which probably saved the movie since McKellan’s character rambles on like a drunk chick at a bar who just broke up with her boyfriend, for half the film.
(SPOILER ALERT: One of the best scenes of the movie is the look on Tom Hanks’ face as McKellan kept talking and talking and talking and talking while getting arrested and dragged into a police car - and yet still wouldn’t shut up! The expression Tom gives us during that scene is the reason he has won two Academy Awards)
- The movie is under three hours long and Ron Howard did a great job pacing the film. The movie never drags and he doesn’t waste a lot of screen time on unnecessary subplots or plot points. On behalf of my ass and bladder, I thank you Mr. Howard.
- For all the calls to protest and boycott the movie (by the way, it grossed over $200 million worldwide last week), The DaVinci Code doesn’t make a whole lot of “factual” claims outside of the ones necessary to tell the fictional story. Robert Langdon (Hanks’ character) was consistently skeptical of the historical theories tossed around by the other characters and the movie doesn’t approach the “factual” rhetoric used by Dan Brown in recent interviews. Not surprisingly, the book tries to present itself much more as historically accurate than the movie does. But when you evaluate the entire movie, it’s easy to see that Opus Dei is not portrayed as an out-of-control, evil organization (at best you could say they had two bad apples who were manipulated), the claims about Jesus and Mary do not, or rather should not, destroy Christianity or cause a crisis of faith, and that the assertions about Christianity (while they may be historically inaccurate) are told in a way that make the movie entertaining and worth seeing.
That being said, let’s not throw The DaVinci Code in with The Godfather, Casablanca and American Beauty quite yet …
Here were the problems:
- Tom Hanks was not a good choice to portray Robert Langdon. Hanks became an iconic movie star by playing the “everyday” sort of guy, not the intellect. If you look at Tom’s most successful roles: Forrest Gump (playing as simple as a character as there is), Big (playing a child in an adult body) and Saving Private Ryan (a high school grammar teacher), he thrives with characters who are not all that different from the average movie audience. Even in movies where he plays smarter characters: Catch Me If You Can, Cast Away, Apollo 13, you never got the sense Hanks was a brilliant thinker. That isn’t a knock on Tom Hanks, he’s obviously intelligent, but his relate-ability to the audience is what makes him great. In The DaVinci Code, Robert Langdon is an Ivy League professor, a genius of symbols, and you never totally buy in to Hanks being that guy, mostly because he seems too much like you and me - and most of us aren’t going to be lecturing in Cambridge anytime soon. As my friend Ryan remarked as we were leaving the theatre, “You never forgot you were watching Tom Hanks.” Hanks didn’t kill the movie by any means, even though there were some scenes and lines where his acting seemed fake and forced (very un-Hanks-like), but an actor like Josh Lucas (A Beautiful Mind, Glory Road, Sweet Home Alabama and Poseidon) would have been a much better choice.
- There was more chemistry between Ron Burgundy and Baxter in Anchorman, than there was between Hanks and Audrey Tautou (Sophie). This isn’t Sleepless in Seattle, so I didn’t want them to fall in love on the Empire State Building, but a good rapport there was not. I never got the sense either of them were enjoying the greatest journey in the history of mankind. If it wasn’t for a few lines here and there uttered by the long-winded Teabing, none of the characters seemed to appreciate what they were discovering. It is amazing to me how un-suspenseful finding the most important artifact EVER, could be. I mean, you are dealing with Jesus, DaVinci, the Vatican, Popes, Emperors, hidden codes, famous museums, knights, priceless works of art – freakin' act like it! On top of all of that, Sophie saw her grandpa’s murdered body, helped an accused murderer flee the country, learned secrets about her family and her true lineage, yet she doesn’t seem all that phased by those events. I think if someone had said, “Robert and Sophie, Jesus himself is waiting for you by the Mona Lisa,” they would have intensely stared at each other for a couple of seconds and then matter-of-factly walked to the end of the hallway like Jesus visits France everyday. At least in Indiana Jones, you got the feeling Harrison Ford and Sean Connery sensed how momentous their discoveries were.
But Sophie kinda looked like the third wife, Margene, from Big Love, so that was fun.
For me, there are two things that you have to do well for a movie to be considered phenomenonal: character development/arc and story. Most of the time it’s easier for a movie to succeed with a weaker story and strong characters, than the other way around. That’s why goofball comedies like Zoolander and Old School, and cheesy action films like Face/Off and Armageddon, are entertaining, and movies with great stories like Munich and The Passion of the Christ, disappoint. Unfortunately, The DaVinci Code is closer to Passion, than Zoolander. Robert Langdon was strictly a vessel to tell the story through. We knew no more about him at the end if the film then we did at the beginning (except for he had a terrifying incident with a well when he was a boy). We knew a little bit more about Sophie, but she certainly didn’t arc. Teabing’s big secret was surprisingly unemotional, mostly because we didn’t know much about him and he didn’t arc either. I can’t help but think that given how charged the story was, had The DaVinci Code nailed the characters, the film would have tremendous.
One final thought about all the controversy …
My friend Nicole, who is a devout Christian, saw the movie this weekend (she didn’t read the book), emailed me today and wrote, “What's all the fuss about exactly?” She’s right. The DaVinci Code movie certainly wasn’t all that radical of a film. In JFK, it’s suggested that Lyndon Johnson was instrumental in having Kennedy assassinated. In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, regardless of what kind of person you are, drinking out of the Holy Grail will give you eternal life (not exactly a Biblically-based theory). Movies have taken shots at the Catholic Church for years (in The Godfather, Part III, the Pope gets whacked by corrupt Catholic clergy) and movies regularly take far-fetched theories, unpopular opinions and selective historical evidence, and convincingly tell a story. That’s what movies do.
The bottom line is, regardless of what Dan Brown has said in interviews, or what was written in the book, there is nothing overtly offensive to Jesus or Christianity in the movie. You may disagree with its conclusions or its interpretation of history, but it is just a movie.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Passion of The DaVinci Code
“This is a true story. The events depicted in this film took place in Minnesota in 1987. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.”
Recognize this quote? It’s from the opening shot of the movie Fargo. You know what the best part is? It’s total bs. Despite its claims, Fargo is 100 percent a fictitious film. No events even remotely close to what was depicted in Fargo ever happened in Minnesota, or anywhere else for that matter (and thank God, that wood chipping scene would have kept CSI and Forensic Files drooling for years).
In a few weeks, The DaVinci Code and Tom Hanks’ creepy, yet effective hairline will debut in theatres, and if Christians have their way, a
disclaimer along the lines of “this movie is a work of fiction” will accompany the start of the film. Of course, it doesn’t take Forrest Gump to realize that most movies are works of fiction in the first place, and that those movies that are based on real events, usually are Hollywood-ized.
Fargo claimed to be true, but was actually completely false and a deliberate joke. Same with The Blair Witch Project. A Beautiful Mind was “based” off the life of John Nash, yet that film left out little details like John Nash was a bisexual, had an illegitimate child, and divorced his wife. JFK claimed to be true, too, but pretty much every substantial assertion is more from the creative mind of Oliver Stone, rather than historical or forensic fact. I don’t recall reading a disclaimer about the authenticity of Braveheart, even though they claim a romance between William Wallace and Princess Isabelle occurred, and that she was pregnant at the time of Wallace's execution. Historically, the real Isabelle was a nine year-old girl still living in France at the time, meaning she never met Wallace, and married Edward II after he became king and after Wallace had died, seven years earlier. Oh, and Braveheart forgot to add in the bridge during the Battle of Stirling Bridge. Did anyone get upset that there wasn’t actually a Jack and Rose on the Titanic, or that the Heart of the Ocean diamond was courtesy of the imagination of James Cameron?
So what’s the big fuss?
Obviously the reason The DaVinci Code is being so passionatley persecuted is because 1) it’s about the authencity of The Bible and the life of Jesus Christ, and 2) it claims to be mostly historically accurate (that’s assuming the movie will make the same claim the book does – which isn’t a given since movie adpatations often differ from their book counterparts).
In 2004, Braveheart director Mel Gibson made a little film called The Passion of the Christ. Maybe you heard of it? The movie grossed like $611 million (25th all-time) and inspired Christians worldwide. So what about the accuraccy of Passion?
Well first of all, I don’t think Jesus was half-Irish, as James Caviezel is. Jesus was not European, yet traditionally Christian artists and now moviemakers, incorrectly depict him looking like he is of German/Irish descent. More accurately, Jesus was Jewish and from Israel, and was probably short (rather than tall and slender, as we usually “see” him) and most likely closely resembled someone of Middle Eastern descent, rather than someone of European descent. You can draw your own conclusions on why a Jesus who looks like he is from Iraq or Iran would make us feel more uncomfortable than a Jesus hailing from the United Kingdom.
Also i
n Passion, Jesus the carpenter, constructs a table and chairs in upright form. Jesus did not invent the modern-day table and chairs, nor is that ever suggested in The Bible that he did.
Jesus’ journey to his place of execution is one of the longer sequences in Passion (the fourteen stations of the cross), yet the Bible does not delve into any substantial detail about this journey and the images regarding this walk shown in Passion, have little historical evidence to support it.
On a DaVinci Code-related note, Passion identifies Mary Magdalene as the prostitute in the Gospel of John (chapter 8). This may be true, but there is no evidence for it in The Bible.
And finally, how about Jesus getting nailed through the hands at the crucifixion? This is almost certainly historically wrong, given that the Romans usually nailed people through the wrists.
So if Passion can misrepresent Jesus’ physical appearance, fictionalize powerful scenes/images that are not written in The Bible, exaggerate or plainly lie about Jesus’ accomplishments, and incorrectly depict how Jesus was crucified – especially since the nail-through-the-hand is one of the more substantial symbols of Christianity, why is The DaVinci Code being pressured to include a disclaimer about it’s authenticity at the beginning of the movie? Since Passion isn’t totally “historically accurate,” or “Biblically accurate” either, why didn’t they place a similar warning at the start of that film?
The reality is, every movie – true or false – contains a disclaimer at the end of its credits. We have all seen it. It states that “the characters and the events depicted in this film are fictitious …” Yada, yada, yada. Or, if it’s based on a true story, the disclaimer reads, “although this film is based off of actual events, some of the characters and stories have been fictionalized …” The DaVinci Code will have one of those disclaimers. Just like The Passion of the Christ. Isn’t that two paragraph disclaimer in the film’s ending credits good enough?
Artistic license allows Joel and Ethan Coen to make the “true story” joke at the beginning of Fargo. It’s the same license that allows Mel Gibson to leave out the bridge in the Battle of Stirling Bridge and have Jesus being the inventor of the modern-day table and chairs. And it’s the same license that allows Ron Howard to claim (again, assuming he will, as Dan Brown did in the book) that the theories in The DaVinci Code are historically accurate. More than 75% of Americans believe JFK to be an accurate portrayal of the Kennedy assassination. Yet if you watch A&E or The Biography Channel anytime around November 22, you’ll quickly learn JFK is a work of fiction, just like The DaVinci Code.
In the end, what is the cinematic difference between the opening title shot in Fargo and the “fact” claims of The DaVinci Code?
There is none.
(Look out! Here comes the soapbox!)
We should be able to watch our movies without jeopardizing the filmmakers’ artistic license or having political or religious warnings and disclaimers as a preamble. Let us decide what we choose to believe. Education comes in many forms; sometimes it’s doing our own research to figure out that The Blair Witch Project was a hoax; other times it is reading a World War II book to find out that Oskar Schindler was far from a saint and spent most of his post-World War II life living off of the Jews he saved. Fact or fiction, right or wrong, true or false, educating yourself about a movies’ subject matter is one of the best parts of going to the movies. If anything, I hope The DaVinci Code will encourage more people to learn about the life and times of Jesus Christ and the history of Christianity. Isn’t that what Christians should be promoting instead, not boycotting the film and asking for warnings?
Now lets take this whole silly disclaimer idea and toss it into the wood chipper.
Recognize this quote? It’s from the opening shot of the movie Fargo. You know what the best part is? It’s total bs. Despite its claims, Fargo is 100 percent a fictitious film. No events even remotely close to what was depicted in Fargo ever happened in Minnesota, or anywhere else for that matter (and thank God, that wood chipping scene would have kept CSI and Forensic Files drooling for years).
In a few weeks, The DaVinci Code and Tom Hanks’ creepy, yet effective hairline will debut in theatres, and if Christians have their way, a
disclaimer along the lines of “this movie is a work of fiction” will accompany the start of the film. Of course, it doesn’t take Forrest Gump to realize that most movies are works of fiction in the first place, and that those movies that are based on real events, usually are Hollywood-ized.Fargo claimed to be true, but was actually completely false and a deliberate joke. Same with The Blair Witch Project. A Beautiful Mind was “based” off the life of John Nash, yet that film left out little details like John Nash was a bisexual, had an illegitimate child, and divorced his wife. JFK claimed to be true, too, but pretty much every substantial assertion is more from the creative mind of Oliver Stone, rather than historical or forensic fact. I don’t recall reading a disclaimer about the authenticity of Braveheart, even though they claim a romance between William Wallace and Princess Isabelle occurred, and that she was pregnant at the time of Wallace's execution. Historically, the real Isabelle was a nine year-old girl still living in France at the time, meaning she never met Wallace, and married Edward II after he became king and after Wallace had died, seven years earlier. Oh, and Braveheart forgot to add in the bridge during the Battle of Stirling Bridge. Did anyone get upset that there wasn’t actually a Jack and Rose on the Titanic, or that the Heart of the Ocean diamond was courtesy of the imagination of James Cameron?
So what’s the big fuss?
Obviously the reason The DaVinci Code is being so passionatley persecuted is because 1) it’s about the authencity of The Bible and the life of Jesus Christ, and 2) it claims to be mostly historically accurate (that’s assuming the movie will make the same claim the book does – which isn’t a given since movie adpatations often differ from their book counterparts).
In 2004, Braveheart director Mel Gibson made a little film called The Passion of the Christ. Maybe you heard of it? The movie grossed like $611 million (25th all-time) and inspired Christians worldwide. So what about the accuraccy of Passion?
Well first of all, I don’t think Jesus was half-Irish, as James Caviezel is. Jesus was not European, yet traditionally Christian artists and now moviemakers, incorrectly depict him looking like he is of German/Irish descent. More accurately, Jesus was Jewish and from Israel, and was probably short (rather than tall and slender, as we usually “see” him) and most likely closely resembled someone of Middle Eastern descent, rather than someone of European descent. You can draw your own conclusions on why a Jesus who looks like he is from Iraq or Iran would make us feel more uncomfortable than a Jesus hailing from the United Kingdom.
Also i
n Passion, Jesus the carpenter, constructs a table and chairs in upright form. Jesus did not invent the modern-day table and chairs, nor is that ever suggested in The Bible that he did.Jesus’ journey to his place of execution is one of the longer sequences in Passion (the fourteen stations of the cross), yet the Bible does not delve into any substantial detail about this journey and the images regarding this walk shown in Passion, have little historical evidence to support it.
On a DaVinci Code-related note, Passion identifies Mary Magdalene as the prostitute in the Gospel of John (chapter 8). This may be true, but there is no evidence for it in The Bible.
And finally, how about Jesus getting nailed through the hands at the crucifixion? This is almost certainly historically wrong, given that the Romans usually nailed people through the wrists.
So if Passion can misrepresent Jesus’ physical appearance, fictionalize powerful scenes/images that are not written in The Bible, exaggerate or plainly lie about Jesus’ accomplishments, and incorrectly depict how Jesus was crucified – especially since the nail-through-the-hand is one of the more substantial symbols of Christianity, why is The DaVinci Code being pressured to include a disclaimer about it’s authenticity at the beginning of the movie? Since Passion isn’t totally “historically accurate,” or “Biblically accurate” either, why didn’t they place a similar warning at the start of that film?
The reality is, every movie – true or false – contains a disclaimer at the end of its credits. We have all seen it. It states that “the characters and the events depicted in this film are fictitious …” Yada, yada, yada. Or, if it’s based on a true story, the disclaimer reads, “although this film is based off of actual events, some of the characters and stories have been fictionalized …” The DaVinci Code will have one of those disclaimers. Just like The Passion of the Christ. Isn’t that two paragraph disclaimer in the film’s ending credits good enough?
Artistic license allows Joel and Ethan Coen to make the “true story” joke at the beginning of Fargo. It’s the same license that allows Mel Gibson to leave out the bridge in the Battle of Stirling Bridge and have Jesus being the inventor of the modern-day table and chairs. And it’s the same license that allows Ron Howard to claim (again, assuming he will, as Dan Brown did in the book) that the theories in The DaVinci Code are historically accurate. More than 75% of Americans believe JFK to be an accurate portrayal of the Kennedy assassination. Yet if you watch A&E or The Biography Channel anytime around November 22, you’ll quickly learn JFK is a work of fiction, just like The DaVinci Code.
In the end, what is the cinematic difference between the opening title shot in Fargo and the “fact” claims of The DaVinci Code?
There is none.
(Look out! Here comes the soapbox!)
We should be able to watch our movies without jeopardizing the filmmakers’ artistic license or having political or religious warnings and disclaimers as a preamble. Let us decide what we choose to believe. Education comes in many forms; sometimes it’s doing our own research to figure out that The Blair Witch Project was a hoax; other times it is reading a World War II book to find out that Oskar Schindler was far from a saint and spent most of his post-World War II life living off of the Jews he saved. Fact or fiction, right or wrong, true or false, educating yourself about a movies’ subject matter is one of the best parts of going to the movies. If anything, I hope The DaVinci Code will encourage more people to learn about the life and times of Jesus Christ and the history of Christianity. Isn’t that what Christians should be promoting instead, not boycotting the film and asking for warnings?
Now lets take this whole silly disclaimer idea and toss it into the wood chipper.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
What We Learned
So the college basketball season is over … and so is the Gauntlet II. Fortunately, we were treated to the boring-est Final Four in the history of the NCAA tournament and the most anticlimactic final challenge MTV could come up with to hold us over until the next season. Thanks a lot, guys.
(I guess having George Mason in the Final Four and having an eating challenge decide the winner of The Gauntlet wasn’t such a good idea after all.)
Anyway, since the Real World: Key West is the most un-fun piece of entertainment since Andy Kaufman decided to read an entire book to an audience, I decided this would be a good time to do a post-mortem on the Kansas Jayhawk basketball season.
(Two quick things: 1) This will be last Jayhawk post until mid-October, and 2) For those of you who don’t know, the next Real World reason will be in Denver!)
What We Learned From This College Basketball Season
Despite the Bradley loss, this season was an unquestioned success
Watching Kansas win the Big 12 tournament and tie for the regular season Big 12 title, it’s easy to forget that this team was not suppose to be very good. The only returning starter from last year was free-throw shooting champion Christian Moody, they were potentially going to be starting four freshman, they kicked-off the season with a 3-4 record, lost to Kansas State at home, blew at game at Missouri, and seemed destined to be the basketball equivalent of the Nebraska Cornhusker football program.
And then before we knew it, they win 15 out of their last 16 games, Christian Moody becomes a male cheerleader wearing a Kansas jersey, upset Oklahoma and Texas, cracked the top 20 and earn a #4 seed in the tournament. Not too shabby for a team whose seven best players are freshman and sophomores.
Any Jayhawk fan who complains about this season is as spoiled as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and the entire cast of Laguna Beach – combined!
Bill Self, not Roy Williams, deserved to win Coach of the Year
North Carolina was 23-8. Kansas was 25-7. Both lost their top seven scorers from last year. Both were exceptionally young and talented. Both beat powerhouse teams (UNC beat Duke, Kansas beat Texas) during the season, and both teams lost early on in the tournament. BUT, two of North Carolina’s top three scorers were upperclassman! Bill Self didn’t have that luxury. He had to work entirely with freshman and sophomores. In point of fact, three out of Kansas’ top four scorers were freshman, and the one who wasn’t (Russell Robinson) is a sophomore. Not to mention, Kansas won the Big 12 tournament and tied for the Big 12 regular season tournament, two things North Carolina didn’t do in the ACC. Coach Self outperformed Coach Williams this year in every category except North Carolina bias. I guess that’s why Roy won the award.
This years loss to Bradley didn’t hurt nearly as much as last years loss to Bucknell
This years team was young, inexperienced and just happy to be there – kinda like me going on any dates during high school. Last years team was littered with seasoned players, who had achieved 2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance – there was no reason to lose to Bucknell. This years team was suppose to be playing in the NIT. Yes, it was painful and disappointing to lose in the first round two consecutive years for the first time in Kansas history, but this team overachieved all season long – it’s hard to stay bitter at such a young and likeable team.
That being said, Coach Self better produce some tournament wins next year. Otherwise, he might be headed to The Gauntlet.
Russell Robinson is cute
Personally, I don’t think he’s attractive … mostly because I’m heterosexual. But according to a lot of female Jayhawk fans, he’s quite good looking. Evidently it’s because of his baby-face and missing eyebrows. Congrats Russell!
Micah Downs is a pansy and a wuss
Who transfers from one of the most prestigious basketball programs in the country because he doesn’t want to practice to earn playing time and misses his girlfriend? For the love of God, Micah, you’re a Jayhawk basketball player, you can have any girl in entire state of Kansas and half of Missouri. Lose the girlfriend in Washington, listen to Coach Self and hustle in practice and you’ll be on ESPN twenty times a year, while dating half the cheerleading squad, on your way to the NBA, and be treated like royalty in Lawrence.
Nope. Instead you choose to transfer to Gonzaga and lose a year of eligibility? Nice move, genius.
Texas has an endless supply of tall, white, blonde basketball players who are surprisingly good
Every year since I was a freshman (12 years ago – gulp), Texas has had one, two or three of those guys on their team. I don’t know if it’s the same three guys in disguise, if they are all related, or if Texas dominates the tall, white, blonde, recruiting race, or what, but they produce these guys like Queen Latifah makes unwatchable movies.
Christian Moody is really smart and took really hard classes this year
Just in case you didn’t know from the Jayhawk television broadcasts in which the announcers felt the need to repeatedly tell you that game after game. Also according the announcers, evidently, Mario Chalmers is from Alaska, Sasha Kaun was born in Russia, and Brandon Rush’s brothers played college basketball, too. Oh, and the sun also rises in the east – allegedly.
Christian Moody is NOT the guy you want shooting free throws in clutch situations
Sasha Kaun delivered a surprisingly effective performance in Can’t Hardly Wait, but was slightly annoying in Empire Records
Russell Robinson is a consistent jump shot away from being a ridiculously dominant all-around player
Julian Wright is one consistent offensive move away from being unstoppable
Mario Chalmers is the most likeable guy on the team. You gotta love his attitude (even when Coach Self is chewing him out) and how hard he works on both sides of the floor
Substituting Brandon Rush for J.R. Giddens on this years team was like substituting Al Pacino for Robert Redford to play Michael Corleone in The Godfather – it changed everything
Iowa State point guard Curtis Stinson is a thug and Russell Robinson’s bitch
Curtis will be joining Micah Downs on this years ESPN All-Whiners Team and The Sporting News’ Guys Who Talk a Lot of Trash and Can’t Back It Up Team.
The Jayhawks lack of either a consistent outside or inside game is what doomed them in the tournament. Kansas was at its best in transition, not in the half court offense
They need to make the Jayhawk on the football field at Memorial Stadium proportionally just as large as the Jayhawk on the basketball court at Allen Fieldhouse
Mario Chalmers was the best player on the team. Russell Robinson was the MVP. And Julian Wright was the most improved and most likely to dunk on every opposing player over 6’10. Speaking of …
With some work, Julian Wright is capable of doing anything on the basketball court. Next year I wouldn’t be surprised if he played all five positions, spent some time as the trainer, was the official scorekeeper in a few games and performed as Big Jay during television timeouts. Anything is possible with this guy.
And finally and most importantly …
Kansas should be in the top three next year and a favorite to win the NCAA championship.
You read it here first. Kansas will make the Final Four and beat North Carolina for the championship. Bill Self will be Coach of the Year and make his first Final Four. Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers will be All-Americans. And Julian Wright, on a missed alley-oop attempt, will be the first player ever to accidentally fly over the backboard at Allen Fieldhouse.
Next year should be a very good year in the Phog. Rock Chalk, Jayhawks!
(I guess having George Mason in the Final Four and having an eating challenge decide the winner of The Gauntlet wasn’t such a good idea after all.)
Anyway, since the Real World: Key West is the most un-fun piece of entertainment since Andy Kaufman decided to read an entire book to an audience, I decided this would be a good time to do a post-mortem on the Kansas Jayhawk basketball season.
(Two quick things: 1) This will be last Jayhawk post until mid-October, and 2) For those of you who don’t know, the next Real World reason will be in Denver!)
What We Learned From This College Basketball Season
Despite the Bradley loss, this season was an unquestioned success
Watching Kansas win the Big 12 tournament and tie for the regular season Big 12 title, it’s easy to forget that this team was not suppose to be very good. The only returning starter from last year was free-throw shooting champion Christian Moody, they were potentially going to be starting four freshman, they kicked-off the season with a 3-4 record, lost to Kansas State at home, blew at game at Missouri, and seemed destined to be the basketball equivalent of the Nebraska Cornhusker football program.
And then before we knew it, they win 15 out of their last 16 games, Christian Moody becomes a male cheerleader wearing a Kansas jersey, upset Oklahoma and Texas, cracked the top 20 and earn a #4 seed in the tournament. Not too shabby for a team whose seven best players are freshman and sophomores.
Any Jayhawk fan who complains about this season is as spoiled as Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and the entire cast of Laguna Beach – combined!
Bill Self, not Roy Williams, deserved to win Coach of the Year
North Carolina was 23-8. Kansas was 25-7. Both lost their top seven scorers from last year. Both were exceptionally young and talented. Both beat powerhouse teams (UNC beat Duke, Kansas beat Texas) during the season, and both teams lost early on in the tournament. BUT, two of North Carolina’s top three scorers were upperclassman! Bill Self didn’t have that luxury. He had to work entirely with freshman and sophomores. In point of fact, three out of Kansas’ top four scorers were freshman, and the one who wasn’t (Russell Robinson) is a sophomore. Not to mention, Kansas won the Big 12 tournament and tied for the Big 12 regular season tournament, two things North Carolina didn’t do in the ACC. Coach Self outperformed Coach Williams this year in every category except North Carolina bias. I guess that’s why Roy won the award.
This years loss to Bradley didn’t hurt nearly as much as last years loss to Bucknell
This years team was young, inexperienced and just happy to be there – kinda like me going on any dates during high school. Last years team was littered with seasoned players, who had achieved 2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance – there was no reason to lose to Bucknell. This years team was suppose to be playing in the NIT. Yes, it was painful and disappointing to lose in the first round two consecutive years for the first time in Kansas history, but this team overachieved all season long – it’s hard to stay bitter at such a young and likeable team.
That being said, Coach Self better produce some tournament wins next year. Otherwise, he might be headed to The Gauntlet.
Russell Robinson is cute
Personally, I don’t think he’s attractive … mostly because I’m heterosexual. But according to a lot of female Jayhawk fans, he’s quite good looking. Evidently it’s because of his baby-face and missing eyebrows. Congrats Russell!
Micah Downs is a pansy and a wuss
Who transfers from one of the most prestigious basketball programs in the country because he doesn’t want to practice to earn playing time and misses his girlfriend? For the love of God, Micah, you’re a Jayhawk basketball player, you can have any girl in entire state of Kansas and half of Missouri. Lose the girlfriend in Washington, listen to Coach Self and hustle in practice and you’ll be on ESPN twenty times a year, while dating half the cheerleading squad, on your way to the NBA, and be treated like royalty in Lawrence.
Nope. Instead you choose to transfer to Gonzaga and lose a year of eligibility? Nice move, genius.
Texas has an endless supply of tall, white, blonde basketball players who are surprisingly good
Every year since I was a freshman (12 years ago – gulp), Texas has had one, two or three of those guys on their team. I don’t know if it’s the same three guys in disguise, if they are all related, or if Texas dominates the tall, white, blonde, recruiting race, or what, but they produce these guys like Queen Latifah makes unwatchable movies.
Christian Moody is really smart and took really hard classes this year
Just in case you didn’t know from the Jayhawk television broadcasts in which the announcers felt the need to repeatedly tell you that game after game. Also according the announcers, evidently, Mario Chalmers is from Alaska, Sasha Kaun was born in Russia, and Brandon Rush’s brothers played college basketball, too. Oh, and the sun also rises in the east – allegedly.
Christian Moody is NOT the guy you want shooting free throws in clutch situations
Sasha Kaun delivered a surprisingly effective performance in Can’t Hardly Wait, but was slightly annoying in Empire Records
Russell Robinson is a consistent jump shot away from being a ridiculously dominant all-around player
Julian Wright is one consistent offensive move away from being unstoppable
Mario Chalmers is the most likeable guy on the team. You gotta love his attitude (even when Coach Self is chewing him out) and how hard he works on both sides of the floor
Substituting Brandon Rush for J.R. Giddens on this years team was like substituting Al Pacino for Robert Redford to play Michael Corleone in The Godfather – it changed everything
Iowa State point guard Curtis Stinson is a thug and Russell Robinson’s bitch
Curtis will be joining Micah Downs on this years ESPN All-Whiners Team and The Sporting News’ Guys Who Talk a Lot of Trash and Can’t Back It Up Team.
The Jayhawks lack of either a consistent outside or inside game is what doomed them in the tournament. Kansas was at its best in transition, not in the half court offense
They need to make the Jayhawk on the football field at Memorial Stadium proportionally just as large as the Jayhawk on the basketball court at Allen Fieldhouse
Mario Chalmers was the best player on the team. Russell Robinson was the MVP. And Julian Wright was the most improved and most likely to dunk on every opposing player over 6’10. Speaking of …
With some work, Julian Wright is capable of doing anything on the basketball court. Next year I wouldn’t be surprised if he played all five positions, spent some time as the trainer, was the official scorekeeper in a few games and performed as Big Jay during television timeouts. Anything is possible with this guy.
And finally and most importantly …
Kansas should be in the top three next year and a favorite to win the NCAA championship.
You read it here first. Kansas will make the Final Four and beat North Carolina for the championship. Bill Self will be Coach of the Year and make his first Final Four. Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers will be All-Americans. And Julian Wright, on a missed alley-oop attempt, will be the first player ever to accidentally fly over the backboard at Allen Fieldhouse.
Next year should be a very good year in the Phog. Rock Chalk, Jayhawks!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
You're Unpredictable
SPOLIER SOPRANO’S ALERT:
The most common quote I’ve head since The Soprano’s came back is, “it’s not like Tony is going to die.” And the dozens of fans who have said that to me over the last two weeks are probably right; I highly doubt Tony is going to die anytime this season.
These Tony’s-not-gonna-die comments while bordering on fun-extinguishing, do bring up an interesting philosophical story-telling point though that I think a lot of people miss: Unpredictability alone is not what makes movies (or TV shows) suspenseful or good. It is the way the story is told that makes them suspenseful or good.
We all knew the Titanic was going to sink. No big surprise or plot twist there. We knew that ship was going down when we saw the movie title, long before we ever bought our tickets and saw the movie. But when the ship was sinking at a 90 degree angle, and the passengers were sliding down the boat deck hitting everything in sight along the way or falling off the ship and smacking the propellers, those were some pretty tense moments. Not to mention the drama in seeing all the people freeze to death in icy water. Aside from the actual sinking, who didn’t know Jack was going to die at the end? If you are raising your hand right now, I bet you are a big Colin Farrell fan.
I knew how Apollo 13 ended before I took one bite of popcorn. William Wallace’s capture and execution in Braveheart certainly didn’t come as a shock. Although I thought it was a terrible movie, didn’t everybody in the world know how The Passion of the Christ was going to conclude? Whose jaw hit the floor when Harry ended up with Sally? Or that somehow, despite all odds, Tom Hanks was going to meet Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. In Miracle, did you honestly expect the US hockey team to lose to the Russians? And in American Beauty, Lester reveals his pending death in the first 30 second of the film.
Good movies (and shows like The Soprano’s) have such solid stories, great acting and are so well done that certain parts of plot predictability are almost irrelevant. American Beauty is such a splendid film, that despite the audience’s knowledge of Lester’s upcoming death, we are taken on such wonderful journey and the story is so incredible, that Lester’s murder takes a backseat to the events leading up to his death. Just the opposite, in the first season of The Soprano’s, Tony survives a botched whacking. I doubt many people believed that the main character was going to die 10 episodes into their first season; but Tony’s response to the attempted assassination created suspense, tension and other types of unpredictability. This years shooting is doing the same thing in The Soprano’s. Sure Tony probably won’t die, but that doesn’t mean how Carmella, Meadow and Anthony Jr., handle it won’t be gripping, or who steps up to run the “family” during Tony’s absence won’t be unpredictable.
Don’t get me wrong, I love unpredictable plots like in The Godfather, The Usual Suspects and Matchstick Men, but I enjoy movies like Garden State and Ocean’s 11 just as much; even though their conclusion were somewhat predictable. How a story is told, where the story takes us and how we get there, are far more important aspects of a movie than being able to guess that the astronauts will make it home safely, that the bad guy will be killed by the good guy, or that the couple will fall in love.
I would bet that Bradley will win the NCAA tournament before I’d bet that Tony is going to die this season; but that doesn’t mean I will not love every second of the predictable yet amazing journey that will hopefully be Tony’s recovery.
The most common quote I’ve head since The Soprano’s came back is, “it’s not like Tony is going to die.” And the dozens of fans who have said that to me over the last two weeks are probably right; I highly doubt Tony is going to die anytime this season.
These Tony’s-not-gonna-die comments while bordering on fun-extinguishing, do bring up an interesting philosophical story-telling point though that I think a lot of people miss: Unpredictability alone is not what makes movies (or TV shows) suspenseful or good. It is the way the story is told that makes them suspenseful or good.
We all knew the Titanic was going to sink. No big surprise or plot twist there. We knew that ship was going down when we saw the movie title, long before we ever bought our tickets and saw the movie. But when the ship was sinking at a 90 degree angle, and the passengers were sliding down the boat deck hitting everything in sight along the way or falling off the ship and smacking the propellers, those were some pretty tense moments. Not to mention the drama in seeing all the people freeze to death in icy water. Aside from the actual sinking, who didn’t know Jack was going to die at the end? If you are raising your hand right now, I bet you are a big Colin Farrell fan.
I knew how Apollo 13 ended before I took one bite of popcorn. William Wallace’s capture and execution in Braveheart certainly didn’t come as a shock. Although I thought it was a terrible movie, didn’t everybody in the world know how The Passion of the Christ was going to conclude? Whose jaw hit the floor when Harry ended up with Sally? Or that somehow, despite all odds, Tom Hanks was going to meet Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. In Miracle, did you honestly expect the US hockey team to lose to the Russians? And in American Beauty, Lester reveals his pending death in the first 30 second of the film.
Good movies (and shows like The Soprano’s) have such solid stories, great acting and are so well done that certain parts of plot predictability are almost irrelevant. American Beauty is such a splendid film, that despite the audience’s knowledge of Lester’s upcoming death, we are taken on such wonderful journey and the story is so incredible, that Lester’s murder takes a backseat to the events leading up to his death. Just the opposite, in the first season of The Soprano’s, Tony survives a botched whacking. I doubt many people believed that the main character was going to die 10 episodes into their first season; but Tony’s response to the attempted assassination created suspense, tension and other types of unpredictability. This years shooting is doing the same thing in The Soprano’s. Sure Tony probably won’t die, but that doesn’t mean how Carmella, Meadow and Anthony Jr., handle it won’t be gripping, or who steps up to run the “family” during Tony’s absence won’t be unpredictable.
Don’t get me wrong, I love unpredictable plots like in The Godfather, The Usual Suspects and Matchstick Men, but I enjoy movies like Garden State and Ocean’s 11 just as much; even though their conclusion were somewhat predictable. How a story is told, where the story takes us and how we get there, are far more important aspects of a movie than being able to guess that the astronauts will make it home safely, that the bad guy will be killed by the good guy, or that the couple will fall in love.
I would bet that Bradley will win the NCAA tournament before I’d bet that Tony is going to die this season; but that doesn’t mean I will not love every second of the predictable yet amazing journey that will hopefully be Tony’s recovery.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Big Coincidence or Small Coincidence
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
I don’t want to turn this blog into the Las Vegas Travel Journal with a side of Jayhawk; but it’s March Madness so you are just going to have to put up with another Jayhawk post …
Last year, an extremely talented Kansas team – filled with Roy Williams recruits – headed into the NCAA Tournament as a #3 seed and a favorite to win the championship. Gifted, experienced (2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance to their credit) and led by seniors, the only thing Kansas and their fans had to worry about was whether Roy Williams’ Tarheels would win all of their tournament games to eventually set-up the game of the century.
Unfortunately, Bill Self was never able to convince his talented, but Roy Williams loyal, seniors to totally buy into his coaching system. Injuries, bad breaks (the phantom Texas Tech traveling call on Aaron Miles, for example), and too many close games had worn the team down mentally and physically. Watching Kansas last season, it was easy to see that they were winning games on talent alone, not having fun, and disaster was looming.
I remember telling my old boss as I left work to watch Kansas in the first round of the tournament last year that, “I don’t feel real good about this game.” And I didn’t. I felt like one of those NASA engineers who had a bad feeling about the damage to the Space Shuttle Columbia; but chose to ignore their feelings, convincing themselves that they were just being paranoid, that the data they were interpreting was faulty, and if there was a real problem - someone else would have spoken up by then.
As a result: Bucknell – 64, Kansas – 63
This year, a team of confident and wildly athletic sophomores and freshmen have led the Jayhawks to a Big 12 regular season championship, a Big 12 tournament championship, a #12 ranking in the polls, and a #4 seed in the tournament – and exceeding everyone’s expectations in the process. This team laughs, they have fun, they’re cocky, they’re loyal to Bill Self, and I would argue, better than last years team.
BUT …
They play freakin’ Bradley in the first round of the tournament! Call me crazy, but Bradley is eerily too close to Bucknell for comfort… Check out these coincidences:
- Both schools are BUs.
- Bradley – 2 syllables, Bucknell – 2 syllables
- Bradley – 7 letters, Bucknell – 8 letters
- Bradley’s mascot – the Braves, Bucknell’s mascot – the Bison. Both Bs.
- People have no clue where either school is located (Bucknell is in Pennsylvania and Bradley is in Peoria, Illinois)
- Both traditionally suck at basketball and consider it a great season just to make it to the tournament.
- AND, I’m watching the Bradley game at the same sports bar I watched the Bucknell game
So what does all of that mean in the grand scheme of things? Heck if I know? I do know that I originally I was going to write about all the coincidences between Bucknell and Bradley, and that I felt indifferent towards Bradley and slightly nervous about the game -- until one of their writers wrote an article making fun of KU, the Jayhawk and the Rock Chalk.
F*ck Bradley. Time to take the gloves off.
So now, not only do I want KU to avenge last years first round loss by beating Bradley, I want them to beat the sh*t out of Bradley. I want KU to play the role of Alton on the Gauntlet II, and Bradley will be everyone else. I want Bradley to get so sick of hearing the Rock Chalk chant that it gets stuck in their head for their entire plane ride back to Midway Airport and that they find themselves humming it aloud as they wait for their baggage. I want Julian Wright to dunk on a Bradley player so badly that CBS uses the slam dunk as promotional material for next years tournament. I want the blowout to be so painful that Christian Moody not only enters the game, but even sinks a few free throws. I want Bradley’s coach in a post-game press conference with ESPN to say, “They killed us like Sonny at the tollbooth. They even kicked our ass in the pre-game warm-ups. It will take a very talented team to beat Kansas. We haven’t been beaten like that all year – if ever. I hope we never have to play the Jayhawks again.” I want Bradley fans to frustratingly yell at the TV, “PLAY DEFENSE! … WHY CAN’T KANSAS MISS? … WHY DOES KANSAS KEEP STEALING THE BALL? … WHY CAN’T WE RECRUIT PLAYERS LIKE THAT? … WHAT IS THAT FU*KING CHANT I’VE BEEN HEARING FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES?” And finally, as Warden Norton so proudly exclaimed, I want Bradley to “Vanish! Like a fart in the wind” from this years tournament - compliments of the Kansas Jayhawks.
You gotta love March Madness!
Good luck, Jayhawks. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!
I don’t want to turn this blog into the Las Vegas Travel Journal with a side of Jayhawk; but it’s March Madness so you are just going to have to put up with another Jayhawk post …
Last year, an extremely talented Kansas team – filled with Roy Williams recruits – headed into the NCAA Tournament as a #3 seed and a favorite to win the championship. Gifted, experienced (2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance to their credit) and led by seniors, the only thing Kansas and their fans had to worry about was whether Roy Williams’ Tarheels would win all of their tournament games to eventually set-up the game of the century.
Unfortunately, Bill Self was never able to convince his talented, but Roy Williams loyal, seniors to totally buy into his coaching system. Injuries, bad breaks (the phantom Texas Tech traveling call on Aaron Miles, for example), and too many close games had worn the team down mentally and physically. Watching Kansas last season, it was easy to see that they were winning games on talent alone, not having fun, and disaster was looming.
I remember telling my old boss as I left work to watch Kansas in the first round of the tournament last year that, “I don’t feel real good about this game.” And I didn’t. I felt like one of those NASA engineers who had a bad feeling about the damage to the Space Shuttle Columbia; but chose to ignore their feelings, convincing themselves that they were just being paranoid, that the data they were interpreting was faulty, and if there was a real problem - someone else would have spoken up by then.
As a result: Bucknell – 64, Kansas – 63
This year, a team of confident and wildly athletic sophomores and freshmen have led the Jayhawks to a Big 12 regular season championship, a Big 12 tournament championship, a #12 ranking in the polls, and a #4 seed in the tournament – and exceeding everyone’s expectations in the process. This team laughs, they have fun, they’re cocky, they’re loyal to Bill Self, and I would argue, better than last years team.
BUT …
They play freakin’ Bradley in the first round of the tournament! Call me crazy, but Bradley is eerily too close to Bucknell for comfort… Check out these coincidences:
- Both schools are BUs.
- Bradley – 2 syllables, Bucknell – 2 syllables
- Bradley – 7 letters, Bucknell – 8 letters
- Bradley’s mascot – the Braves, Bucknell’s mascot – the Bison. Both Bs.
- People have no clue where either school is located (Bucknell is in Pennsylvania and Bradley is in Peoria, Illinois)
- Both traditionally suck at basketball and consider it a great season just to make it to the tournament.
- AND, I’m watching the Bradley game at the same sports bar I watched the Bucknell game
So what does all of that mean in the grand scheme of things? Heck if I know? I do know that I originally I was going to write about all the coincidences between Bucknell and Bradley, and that I felt indifferent towards Bradley and slightly nervous about the game -- until one of their writers wrote an article making fun of KU, the Jayhawk and the Rock Chalk.
F*ck Bradley. Time to take the gloves off.
So now, not only do I want KU to avenge last years first round loss by beating Bradley, I want them to beat the sh*t out of Bradley. I want KU to play the role of Alton on the Gauntlet II, and Bradley will be everyone else. I want Bradley to get so sick of hearing the Rock Chalk chant that it gets stuck in their head for their entire plane ride back to Midway Airport and that they find themselves humming it aloud as they wait for their baggage. I want Julian Wright to dunk on a Bradley player so badly that CBS uses the slam dunk as promotional material for next years tournament. I want the blowout to be so painful that Christian Moody not only enters the game, but even sinks a few free throws. I want Bradley’s coach in a post-game press conference with ESPN to say, “They killed us like Sonny at the tollbooth. They even kicked our ass in the pre-game warm-ups. It will take a very talented team to beat Kansas. We haven’t been beaten like that all year – if ever. I hope we never have to play the Jayhawks again.” I want Bradley fans to frustratingly yell at the TV, “PLAY DEFENSE! … WHY CAN’T KANSAS MISS? … WHY DOES KANSAS KEEP STEALING THE BALL? … WHY CAN’T WE RECRUIT PLAYERS LIKE THAT? … WHAT IS THAT FU*KING CHANT I’VE BEEN HEARING FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES?” And finally, as Warden Norton so proudly exclaimed, I want Bradley to “Vanish! Like a fart in the wind” from this years tournament - compliments of the Kansas Jayhawks.
You gotta love March Madness!
Good luck, Jayhawks. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Welcome to the Las Vegas Travel Journal
I’m officially changing the name of this blog from The Whole Year Inn to the Las Vegas Travel Journal. That’s right, I’m going to Vegas again (this time for my 30th birthday).
I freakin’ sound like Forrest Gump going to the White House and meeting the president. But instead of saying, “I got to go the White House again … and meet the President of the United States again,” I get to say things like “I lost $200 on a blackjack table and got drunk off of a drink shaped like a cowboy boot at 10:30 in the morning again … and I got to grind with Paris Hilton at The Palms again.”
So, in honor of traveling and vacations ….
Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:
Overrated - The Mile High Club
Nothing says passion like having sex in a cramped public restroom, er, lavatory, while 200 of your fellow passengers know exactly why you and your significant-other decided to randomly go to the bathroom together in the middle of the flight.
I’m not lazy. I have ambitions in the forbidden/adventurous sex genre, but I’ve never been particularly motivated or tempted to “wave my wheat” at 35,000 feet, in a tiny room with creepy blue water and a stainless steel toilet. I understand some of my complaints are all part of the appeal in obtaining membership in the Mile High Club, but it still seems overrated to me - something that sounds totally cool in conversations with your friends and in your imagination, but ultimately very disappointing in reality … kinda like most games of truth or dare.
If anyone out there has any experience, or knows anyone who is in the Mile High Club, I’d love to hear some stories and perhaps they might change my mind. But until then, having sex in an airplane lavatory sounds just as exotic as having sex in a Greyhound bus bathroom or a New Jersey Transit train bathroom. Ick.
Economic Theory of the Week:
Can anyone imagine making travel reservations nowadays without the Internet? I know we used to, but how in the world did people make hotel reservations or plane reservations without spending seven and half hours on the phone or having to visit a travel agent? How in the heck did people even get all the right phone numbers to call? If I had to make Vegas reservations without the Internet, how would I round-up all the different numbers to all the different hotels?
Anyway, I think the reason the airline industry is going bankrupt is because they can’t screw the consumer anymore. The airlines can blame 9/11 and fuel prices and bad management all they want, but I think the real reason they are losing money is because we passengers are more educated. Before the Internet, it was a monumental pain in the ass to call United and Delta and Continental, to obtain prices and flight times over the phone. Now we can simply visit their Web sites or travel Web sites (like Travelocity), and quickly compare all the airlines’ offerings and even receive emails when prices go down. The days of some customer service representative telling us that the $300 flight from Denver to Vegas is the “best they can do”, when changing departure times, staying or leaving early, or checking a competitor’s airline, could easily result in getting a flight for $158 round trip - are over and done. Airlines can’t take advantage of the colossal hassle it was to keep calling back every airline to constantly check flight times and prices. Ten years ago, we believed the major airlines when they said their exorbitant price were the best; mostly because it was difficult to prove them wrong. Now when United says that to us, all we have to do is check Continental’s Web site, look at Expedia, and scan what smaller airlines, like Frontier, JetBlue or Southwest, are offering, to see if United’s deal is actually superior. We have all become intelligent consumers; no longer can the airlines stick-it-to-us because of our lack of time and information, and subsequently overcharge us. Instead, it’s easy, convenient and efficient to find the best deal and the lowest price; and I think that is part of the reason airlines have lost money since the Internet become prominent.
On behalf of all air-travelers, thank you Al Gore.
Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing of the Week:
“This is way too funny! You just put on your gay ass blog that you have a Huge Forehead! This is Killing me! Good job Retard!”
-- Uncle Rico
Thanks for that intelligent contribution to the discussion.
Uncle Rico, I hope you and Tom Izzo enjoy your next fishing trip to Brokeback Mountain together. Who knows, maybe Coach Izzo will catch a fish without a “true fishing pole.”
By the way, Kansas has four national championships – 1988, 1952, 1923 and 1922 (Though in fairness, the 22’ and 23’ championships were awarded prior to the tournament being in place – but count nonetheless).
Michigan State has two – 2000 and 1979.
Quote of the Week:
“Do you want that coconut? Do I want that coconut? Basically, I want that *ucking coconut!”
-- Derrick, on Gauntlet II – Real World/Road Rules Challenge
The Tracy Flick Moral and Ethical Question of the Week:
Is it wrong to lie about the number of people staying in a hotel room, thus lowering the price?
(What I don’t get is; if Ryan and I pay $100 per night for a hotel room that has two beds, why should the charge go up based on having two more people in the room? Aren’t we receiving the same services from the hotel room regardless of the occupancy? Why does an extra person cost $35 more? What does that $35 pay for? I understand enforcing a limit on the amount of people in a room – so you don’t end up with 20 college kids stuffed into one room – but if the room has 2 queen beds, the room price should be inclusive up to four people (two per bed). If the suite has three beds, the room rate should be good up to six people, etc. It seems excessive to charge more money when the room is designed to handle that many people in the first place.
One more thing, hotels often say “kids stay free.” How are kids sleeping in a hotel room any less expensive than adult; especially since adults tend to be cleaner and less likely to spill stuff on carpets and comforters?)
The Day of the Week: Sunday
Rock Chalk, Jayhawks! Led by three freshmen, two sophomores and a senior who has already graduated and who has the nickname JHawk; the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the co
cky and rapidly becoming annoying Texas Longhorns to win the Big 12 tournament. Not only did the Jayhawks avenge the 25 points loss to Texas two weeks ago. Not only did the Jayhawks shut-up the trash talking Longhorn cheerleaders. Not only did the Jayhawks turn Texas center Brad Buckman a disturbingly light shade of pink. But they also earned a #4 seed (though they should have been a #3 seed) in the NCAA tournament, showed that Bill Self deserves consideration for National Coach of the Year, showed that Texas cries like the bulimic chick from the Real World: Key West after every call that doesn’t go their way, and that Kansas is the best team in the Big 12.
And just like Kansas showed Oklahoma State, Nebraska and Texas who the best is; after a two year layoff, The Soprano’s showed CSI, The West Wing and every other show on TV, that they are still king. I won’t spoil the first episode for anyone, but as Ryan so eloquently put it, “Waiting for the next episode will be harder than waiting the last two years.” After The Soprano’s, HBO debuted Big Love – a story about a polygamous family starring Bill Paxton. Maybe because I was still in shock-n-awe about The Soprano’s, but going from a mafia show based in New Jersey, to a show about a Mormon family in Utah was a rough transition. It was like driving 75 miles an hour in third gear – it didn’t feel right. I think what the show needs is more shots of Bill Paxton in his tighty-whities, or even better, more shots of him in his tighty-whities after he has taken his Viagra. Or as Ryan so eloquently put it, “I didn’t think you could make having three wives look un-cool, but Bill Paxton has done it.”
Monday, March 06, 2006
Defending the Phog
"If you read my comment it stated that Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well. The 2000 Championship Team that you brought up had Cleaves, who was a true point guard. Anyhow, if your HUGE forehead can grasp this (can a forehead be any larger-GOSH!), all I am saying is the Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo. Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"-- Anonymous, er, Uncle Rico
You gotta love Anonymous! If you need any help locating a time machine on the Internet, please let me know. In the meantime, I decided to put my huge brain, that is incased in my huge forehead, to use and evaluate Uncle Rico’s comments …
Here we go.
“The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like (Tom) Izzo (Michigan State's Head Coach).”
Let’s see if this is true by looking at the last five years …
2001
Kansas loses to Illinois – who is coached by current Kansas coach, Bill Self – in the Sweet Sixteen.
Michigan State loses to Arizona in the Final Four.
Advantage: Michigan State
2002
Kansas loses to eventual champion, Maryland, in the Final Four. The Jayhawks reach the Final Four with arguably one of their best players, Wayne Simien, injured and unavailable to play.
Michigan State loses in the first round of the tournament, presumably without a true point guard. Regardless, thanks for showing up, Spartans!
Advantage: Kansas
2003
Kansas loses to Syracuse in the championship game.
Michigan State loses in the Elite 8 to Texas, again without a true point guard. Of course, Kansas reaches the championship game with future NBA first round draft pick Wayne Simien injured and unable to play. Kansas also loses legendary head coach to Roy Williams two weeks later; who is replaced by Bill Self.
Advantage: Kansas
2004
Kansas in the Elite 8, loses to national champion runner-up Georgia Tech. Coach Self does this with Roy Williams' recruits and after losing 2 star players (Hinrich and Collison) to the NBA.
Michigan State again loses in the first round of the tournament – I don’t think they even had a false point guard on the team. Yikes.
Advantage: Kansas
2005
Kansas loses the Bucknell debacle in the first round of the tournament. I am not even going to try to defend that game. Ugh. I just threw-up in my mouth.
Michigan State loses to North Carolina and Roy William in the Final Four.
Advantage: Michigan State
Okay, since 2001:
Both Ka
nsas and Michigan State have two Final Four appearances and 0 National Championships. Michigan State has lost in the first round twice, Kansas once. Both have made it the Elite 8 and lost one time. So since 2001, Kansas has performed slightly better in the tournament than Michigan State … but Michigan State won the national championship in 2000, so we’ll call it a tie, despite the fact Kansas has more tournament wins since 2001.However, Uncle Rico’s comments were about coaching, not wins and losses. So lets look at the coaching difference. Of course Kansas has had two coaches during this time, Roy William and Bill Self, while Michigan State has only been coached by Tom Izzo.
2001 – Izzo wins over both Self and Williams. Self beats Williams in the Sweet Sixteen, but loses in the Elite 8. Izzo reaches the Final Four.
Advantage: Izzo and Michigan State
2002 – Williams guides the Jayhawks to the Final Four while Izzo loses in the first round. Ouch.
Advantage: Williams and Kansas
2003 – Williams again leads the Jayhawks to the Final Four, losing in the championship game. Izzo loses in the Elite 8 to Texas (a team KU previously defeated).
Advantage: Williams and Kansas
2004 – Under new coach Bill Self, Kansas reaches the Elite 8; while Izzo and Michigan State again lose in the first round.
Advantage: Self and Kansas
2005 – Self is embarrassed by Bucknell, Izzo leads the Spartans to the Final Four but loses to ex-KU coach Roy Williams.
Advantage: Roy Williams
So, if the assertion is Kansas needs better coaching in March, the last five years don’t support that claim considering Kansas coaches (Self and Williams) have outperformed Tom Izzo in every year except 2001.
If we consider 2000, the year Michigan State won the championship, and 2005 (because MSU did better than KU but not better than UNC) then the teams at the least would be even in terms of performance.
Uncle Rico’s quote was, “The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo.” Well not true, at least if you consider history and statistics relevant and important; since Jayhawk coaches have had consistently better runs than Tom Izzo since 2001.
“Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well.”
Okay, but Roy Williams took the Jayhawks to back-to-back Final Fours without All-American Wayne Simien being able to play due to injury. So while the Spartans were missing a “true” point guard, the Jayhawks were missing an NBA first round draft pick. Both big losses.
I think both coaches did a great job and are impressive and equal accomplishments.
However, Coach Self has had the difficult task of taking over the Kansas program from a legendary coach and without his own recruits. Not exactly the easiest coaching situations to step into; considering how many other coaches have failed miserably when succeeding a legend.
“Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"
Michigan State has recently lost twice in the first round, in 02’and 04’. See a pattern developing? It’s 06’! Time for another first round exit for the Spartans. That is, if they even make the NCAA tournament this year. (Notice Uncle Rico didn’t mention this year’s team in his comments)
It’s pretty smug to criticize the Jayhawks for losing in the first round, when Michigan State has done the exact same thing twice as many times over the last six years.
A couple extra thoughts:
- The last time the Jayhawks and Bill Self played Michigan State in the 03-04 season, the Jayhawks won.
- Coach Self was just named Big 12 Coach of the Year. I don’t think Tom Izzo will be winning the award in the Big 10 this year.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I am going to shop for hats that fit properly.
Friday, March 03, 2006
A Straight Man’s Strange Erotic Journey to Brokeback Mountain
"We have fun in our hotel rooms. We go from room to room messing with each other at 12 or 1 in the morning. Last night I ran from room to room getting in pillow fights with the guys”
-- Jayhawk Brandon Rush, explaining why KU is such a good road team.
I apologize for such a delay in writing, but I’ve been in Torino, Italy competing in the 200-meter Coughing and Phlegm competition, the highly competitive Most Hours Slept Due to Ny-Quil Freestyle competition, and I set the modern day world record for the most times blowing one’s nose in the middle of the night.
Now, before I get to Brokeback Mountain, I want to address my Anonymous friend who can’t seem to spell Jayhawk correctly and who also thinks the Jayhawks suck this year.
(I highly recommend you reading his comments on the post)
First – Jayhawk is one word! Spelled exactly like I’ve typed it 1,467 times previously. It’s not JayHawk, Jay Hawk, JHawk, Jaihawq, or any other derivation. It’s hard for me to grasp your point when you can’t spell the subject of your comment correctly. You don’t spell Spartan: SPARtan, Spar Tan, Sp-art-an, do you?
Second – I’ve figured who Anonymous is … it’s none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Wanna know how I solved the mystery? Anonymous kept droning on in his comments about the past - just like Uncle Rico wished it was still 1982 so he could lead his high school football team to the state championship. Anonymous wishes it was still 2000 or 1979 so he could make comments like, “Yeah, Michigan State won it all without a true point guard … and we made three-pointers shooting over those mountains over there … and the entire Michigan State team shoulda turned pro … and we beat everyone by like 150 points … I wish I had a time machine.”
Come join us in the present, Uncle Rico. Which speaking of …
Third – Kansas is #22 (#18 in the AP poll) in the country with a 21-7 record. Michigan State is #23 (#25 in the AP poll) with a 20-9 record. Michigan State is 8-7 in the Big 10 and sitting in forth place. Kansas is 12-3 in the Big 12 and tied for first place. It’s difficult to assert that Kansas sucks this year when the team you support, Michigan State, has a worst overall and conference record … unless you think Michigan State sucks, too.
Forth – And just because you got me thinking about the past, Uncle Rico. Kansas has more NCAA championships, more NCAA tournament appearances and more NCAA tournament wins than Michigan State.
Now that we have that settled, lets get back to Brokeback Mountain …(don’t think I ever want to say that phrase again)
Inspired by Brandon Rush’s comment, I decided it was time for me to see Brokeback Mountain. After hearing all the jokes, watching all the parodies and vowing to never watch that movie on HBO, alone, with my roommate Ryan on a Friday night- I had to see what all the rage was about.
Here is what took place …
- I am joined by my roommate Ryan, and our friend Calley. Or, what I affectionately called her the entire evening, “our heterosexual insurance policy.” Prior to the movie, Calley signed a binding legal contract agreeing to make-out with either one of us in the event of an emergency.
- I want to know if there is a straight guy out there who could say the following phrase with a straight face – “One student for Brokeback Mountain, please.” If there is, quit your job; the poker world needs you right now.
- What looks worst: Me sitting next to Ryan in the theatre - or me, Ryan and Calley playing musical chairs in theatre as we figure out the “best” seating arrangement?
- A few other questions to ponder: Does it mean anything that originally Calley and I were going to go see Brokeback Mountain by ourselves; and I invited Ryan to come along? What about the fact we ate sushi prior to the movie? Why did I choose to wear my “I lie to girls” t-shirt on this evening? Why is Ryan drinking a bright red fruity drink out of a straw right now?
- During the coming attractions, we see a preview for the Crying Game 2, a Nathan Lane film, and a Cher concert. Just kidding. But it was interesting that the previews featured two English movies and two independent films. Evidently the marketing folks concluded it’s a bunch of Britons and film geeks who go to see Brokeback Mountain.
- As the opening credits role, Ryan rhetorically (and jokingly) asks, “Why do I have an erection already.” I immediately turn to Calley and ask her is she realizes the contract she signed could be enforced by a court of law and I could seek damages if she doesn’t follow through on the make-out clause.
- Just an interesting little factoid for everyone, the tagline for Brokeback Mountain is, “Love is a force of nature.”
Okay.
- Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal; both who are coming off of Oscar-caliber performances. For Jake, it was The Day After Tomorrow. For Heath, it was The Brothers Grimm. With resumes like that, it’s amazing they were able to fit Brokeback into their busy schedule.
- Ten minutes into the movie, we’ve already heard the following quotes:
“Skinny asses.”
“You have to sleep with the sheep.”
“Pitch a tent in five minutes.”
“He got all over my ass.”
Yep, we’re off to a good start.
- About a half hour into the film, we notice there is a family in the theatre with their preschool-aged kids. Nice work, parents - Brokeback is definitely fun for the entire family! I guess Deathblow and Rochelle, Rochelle were sold out. I hope these parents aren’t surprised when their kids dress up like cowboys for Halloween this year.
- Jake Gyllenhaal’s character’s name is Jack Twist … I wonder if that name is a foreshadow? I’d tell you what Heath Ledger’s character’s name is, but frankly I can’t understand 2 out of every 5 words he says … I think it’s something Del Mar. But the good news is he doesn’t sound Australian and hasn’t started singing “Can’t take my eyes off of you” to Jack Twist in a high school stadium yet.
- Did you know Jake Gyllenhaal stared in City Slickers as a child actor? Judging by the looks he and Heath are exchanging right now, he’s about to find out what that “one thing” is that Jack Palance kept referring to.
- You know how a lot of times in movies when characters fall in love; their first time having sex is a highly choreographed encounter, with perfect lighting, light kisses, sensual music, slow motion movements and wandering hands? Well, I guess that rule doesn’t apply for gay-Cowboy-sex.
Let me throw out some words and phrases that describe that first sex scene: sudden, violent, awkward, uncomfortable, shocking, spit-filled, makes me never want to go camping ever again.
Also, I’m pretty sure everyone in theatre shifted in their seats, avoided eye contact, and didn’t make a sound or take a breath until it was over. It reminded me of seeing Fear in college; during the infamous rollercoaster scene between Reese and Mark Wahlberg. Every guy in theatre was so turned-on that they became paralyzed. Same thing just happened here – though I doubt anyone is turned-on. I hope.
- Trust me, nothing makes you feel more absolved about watching a movie like Brokeback Mountain than seeing Michelle Williams (from Dawson’s Creek) and Anne Hathaway (from the Princess’ Diaries) breasts!
More popcorn anyone?
- On page 4 of the Cheating Handbook it reads: “Do not make-out in front of the apartment building of where you live, when the person you are cheating on is inside and can easily see you.”
I bet that never happened between Dawson and Pacey.
- DTR’ing (defining the relationship) is a funny-enough thing as it is. Multiply the humor by 100 when it’s two gay cowboys, who are pretending to be straight, who are played by Health Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, doing it at a Wyoming campsite.
- According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene. Yikes guys, take it easy, it’s only a movie.
- Best line of the film, “This is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.” Try using that one at work tomorrow.
- Finally, at the climax of the film, Del Mar confronts Jack Twist and reads him the following poem:
-- Jayhawk Brandon Rush, explaining why KU is such a good road team.
I apologize for such a delay in writing, but I’ve been in Torino, Italy competing in the 200-meter Coughing and Phlegm competition, the highly competitive Most Hours Slept Due to Ny-Quil Freestyle competition, and I set the modern day world record for the most times blowing one’s nose in the middle of the night.
Now, before I get to Brokeback Mountain, I want to address my Anonymous friend who can’t seem to spell Jayhawk correctly and who also thinks the Jayhawks suck this year.
(I highly recommend you reading his comments on the post)
First – Jayhawk is one word! Spelled exactly like I’ve typed it 1,467 times previously. It’s not JayHawk, Jay Hawk, JHawk, Jaihawq, or any other derivation. It’s hard for me to grasp your point when you can’t spell the subject of your comment correctly. You don’t spell Spartan: SPARtan, Spar Tan, Sp-art-an, do you?
Second – I’ve figured who Anonymous is … it’s none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Wanna know how I solved the mystery? Anonymous kept droning on in his comments about the past - just like Uncle Rico wished it was still 1982 so he could lead his high school football team to the state championship. Anonymous wishes it was still 2000 or 1979 so he could make comments like, “Yeah, Michigan State won it all without a true point guard … and we made three-pointers shooting over those mountains over there … and the entire Michigan State team shoulda turned pro … and we beat everyone by like 150 points … I wish I had a time machine.”
Come join us in the present, Uncle Rico. Which speaking of …
Third – Kansas is #22 (#18 in the AP poll) in the country with a 21-7 record. Michigan State is #23 (#25 in the AP poll) with a 20-9 record. Michigan State is 8-7 in the Big 10 and sitting in forth place. Kansas is 12-3 in the Big 12 and tied for first place. It’s difficult to assert that Kansas sucks this year when the team you support, Michigan State, has a worst overall and conference record … unless you think Michigan State sucks, too.
Forth – And just because you got me thinking about the past, Uncle Rico. Kansas has more NCAA championships, more NCAA tournament appearances and more NCAA tournament wins than Michigan State.
Now that we have that settled, lets get back to Brokeback Mountain …(don’t think I ever want to say that phrase again)
Inspired by Brandon Rush’s comment, I decided it was time for me to see Brokeback Mountain. After hearing all the jokes, watching all the parodies and vowing to never watch that movie on HBO, alone, with my roommate Ryan on a Friday night- I had to see what all the rage was about.
Here is what took place …
- I am joined by my roommate Ryan, and our friend Calley. Or, what I affectionately called her the entire evening, “our heterosexual insurance policy.” Prior to the movie, Calley signed a binding legal contract agreeing to make-out with either one of us in the event of an emergency.
- I want to know if there is a straight guy out there who could say the following phrase with a straight face – “One student for Brokeback Mountain, please.” If there is, quit your job; the poker world needs you right now.
- What looks worst: Me sitting next to Ryan in the theatre - or me, Ryan and Calley playing musical chairs in theatre as we figure out the “best” seating arrangement?
- A few other questions to ponder: Does it mean anything that originally Calley and I were going to go see Brokeback Mountain by ourselves; and I invited Ryan to come along? What about the fact we ate sushi prior to the movie? Why did I choose to wear my “I lie to girls” t-shirt on this evening? Why is Ryan drinking a bright red fruity drink out of a straw right now?
- During the coming attractions, we see a preview for the Crying Game 2, a Nathan Lane film, and a Cher concert. Just kidding. But it was interesting that the previews featured two English movies and two independent films. Evidently the marketing folks concluded it’s a bunch of Britons and film geeks who go to see Brokeback Mountain.
- As the opening credits role, Ryan rhetorically (and jokingly) asks, “Why do I have an erection already.” I immediately turn to Calley and ask her is she realizes the contract she signed could be enforced by a court of law and I could seek damages if she doesn’t follow through on the make-out clause.
- Just an interesting little factoid for everyone, the tagline for Brokeback Mountain is, “Love is a force of nature.”
Okay.
- Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal; both who are coming off of Oscar-caliber performances. For Jake, it was The Day After Tomorrow. For Heath, it was The Brothers Grimm. With resumes like that, it’s amazing they were able to fit Brokeback into their busy schedule.
- Ten minutes into the movie, we’ve already heard the following quotes:
“Skinny asses.”
“You have to sleep with the sheep.”
“Pitch a tent in five minutes.”
“He got all over my ass.”
Yep, we’re off to a good start.
- About a half hour into the film, we notice there is a family in the theatre with their preschool-aged kids. Nice work, parents - Brokeback is definitely fun for the entire family! I guess Deathblow and Rochelle, Rochelle were sold out. I hope these parents aren’t surprised when their kids dress up like cowboys for Halloween this year.
- Jake Gyllenhaal’s character’s name is Jack Twist … I wonder if that name is a foreshadow? I’d tell you what Heath Ledger’s character’s name is, but frankly I can’t understand 2 out of every 5 words he says … I think it’s something Del Mar. But the good news is he doesn’t sound Australian and hasn’t started singing “Can’t take my eyes off of you” to Jack Twist in a high school stadium yet.
- Did you know Jake Gyllenhaal stared in City Slickers as a child actor? Judging by the looks he and Heath are exchanging right now, he’s about to find out what that “one thing” is that Jack Palance kept referring to.
- You know how a lot of times in movies when characters fall in love; their first time having sex is a highly choreographed encounter, with perfect lighting, light kisses, sensual music, slow motion movements and wandering hands? Well, I guess that rule doesn’t apply for gay-Cowboy-sex.
Let me throw out some words and phrases that describe that first sex scene: sudden, violent, awkward, uncomfortable, shocking, spit-filled, makes me never want to go camping ever again.
Also, I’m pretty sure everyone in theatre shifted in their seats, avoided eye contact, and didn’t make a sound or take a breath until it was over. It reminded me of seeing Fear in college; during the infamous rollercoaster scene between Reese and Mark Wahlberg. Every guy in theatre was so turned-on that they became paralyzed. Same thing just happened here – though I doubt anyone is turned-on. I hope.
- Trust me, nothing makes you feel more absolved about watching a movie like Brokeback Mountain than seeing Michelle Williams (from Dawson’s Creek) and Anne Hathaway (from the Princess’ Diaries) breasts!
More popcorn anyone?
- On page 4 of the Cheating Handbook it reads: “Do not make-out in front of the apartment building of where you live, when the person you are cheating on is inside and can easily see you.”
I bet that never happened between Dawson and Pacey.
- DTR’ing (defining the relationship) is a funny-enough thing as it is. Multiply the humor by 100 when it’s two gay cowboys, who are pretending to be straight, who are played by Health Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, doing it at a Wyoming campsite.
- According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene. Yikes guys, take it easy, it’s only a movie.
- Best line of the film, “This is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.” Try using that one at work tomorrow.
- Finally, at the climax of the film, Del Mar confronts Jack Twist and reads him the following poem:
I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you ride your horse.
I hate the way you rope the sheep,
I hate it when you’re coarse.
I hate your big dumb ass
And the way you kiss my neck.
I hate that loving you is so much of a crime,
That it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you spoon me in the tent,
I hate it when you lie to your wife.
And the way you hold me by the fire,
Even worse when our time expires.
I hate fishing without you,
And the fact that were not married
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
Not even close…
Not even a little bit…
Not even barely.
Not even barely.
Okay, lets fast-forward and get to the review of the film …
All joking aside about the subject matter, I was hoping for more and left the theatre disappointed. I compare this film to Boys Don’t Cry (the Hilary Swank film when she pretends to be a guy). Both films take place in the Midwest, both films include intolerant views about non-traditional love and relationships, both have violent endings, both achieved critical success and nominated for numerous awards, and both feature breast shots that somewhat redeem the film. But both films lack a true emotional impact besides the taboo love. If you take away the forbidden love aspect of both films, you aren’t left with much character development or plot. The filmmakers of Brokeback skip over and hurry through potentially awesome scenes (like the confrontation between Michelle Williams and Health Ledger when she finds out about his big secret) just to get us to an unsatisfying ending that is contrived to trigger a mountain’s worth of emotion. Unfortunately, I wasn’t particularly rooting for Jack Twist and Del Mar to end up together because besides the rushed first act (when they rapidly show a bond between the two cowboys), Brokeback doesn’t do a good job of showing us why they should be together; except for the fact it’s a forbidden relationship.
Just so I’m not all doom n’ gloom, here are a couple of good things about the film:
- The musical score of the film is solid and will provide laughs later-on because it’s easy to remember and to hum to your friends.
- Health Ledger’s performance is the best in the film. It’s pretty amazing his last two films are Brokeback and Cassanova … that’s some range.
- The movie wasn’t preachy or overtly political.
- Dennis Quaid’s short performance is entertaining. It’s still fun watching Cousin Eddie from the Vacation films try to do serious roles. Quaid hasn’t been this convincing since Independence Day.
- It’s an original story and isn’t a remake of some 60s or 70s TV show or another movie that was already done poorly 20 years ago.
Anyway, back to the review …
Both Anne Hathaway’s and Michelle William’s characters seemed to have been wasted; despite having tremendous potential to show the pain and the consequences of having their husbands carry-on dishonest bisexual relationships, while trying to raise their families at the same time. I wanted to see how conflicted Heath and Jake were, despite their occasional arguments while fishing. I wanted to see the struggle of being married to a woman while being in love with a man, even though they both claim not to be gay. I wanted to see how all of this affected their kids (barely addressed in the film). I wanted an ending that held Heath and Jake accountable for their life choices.
To a lesser extent, this movie suffers from Passion of the Christ syndrome. It’s not enough to just have an interesting or controversial subject matter, like Jesus’ crucifixion. To be considered a “great” movie; you still need character development, you need strong supporting roles, you need effective pacing of the scenes (a huge problem in Brokeback), you need a solid plot with an effective ending. You can’t skip over those things, throw together a series of “edgy” scenes (like Jesus’ passion, Sharon Stone showing her … um … ya know, or Hilary Swank taping her breast so they can’t be seen) and then call the movie great.
All joking aside about the subject matter, I was hoping for more and left the theatre disappointed. I compare this film to Boys Don’t Cry (the Hilary Swank film when she pretends to be a guy). Both films take place in the Midwest, both films include intolerant views about non-traditional love and relationships, both have violent endings, both achieved critical success and nominated for numerous awards, and both feature breast shots that somewhat redeem the film. But both films lack a true emotional impact besides the taboo love. If you take away the forbidden love aspect of both films, you aren’t left with much character development or plot. The filmmakers of Brokeback skip over and hurry through potentially awesome scenes (like the confrontation between Michelle Williams and Health Ledger when she finds out about his big secret) just to get us to an unsatisfying ending that is contrived to trigger a mountain’s worth of emotion. Unfortunately, I wasn’t particularly rooting for Jack Twist and Del Mar to end up together because besides the rushed first act (when they rapidly show a bond between the two cowboys), Brokeback doesn’t do a good job of showing us why they should be together; except for the fact it’s a forbidden relationship.
Just so I’m not all doom n’ gloom, here are a couple of good things about the film:
- The musical score of the film is solid and will provide laughs later-on because it’s easy to remember and to hum to your friends.
- Health Ledger’s performance is the best in the film. It’s pretty amazing his last two films are Brokeback and Cassanova … that’s some range.
- The movie wasn’t preachy or overtly political.
- Dennis Quaid’s short performance is entertaining. It’s still fun watching Cousin Eddie from the Vacation films try to do serious roles. Quaid hasn’t been this convincing since Independence Day.
- It’s an original story and isn’t a remake of some 60s or 70s TV show or another movie that was already done poorly 20 years ago.
Anyway, back to the review …
Both Anne Hathaway’s and Michelle William’s characters seemed to have been wasted; despite having tremendous potential to show the pain and the consequences of having their husbands carry-on dishonest bisexual relationships, while trying to raise their families at the same time. I wanted to see how conflicted Heath and Jake were, despite their occasional arguments while fishing. I wanted to see the struggle of being married to a woman while being in love with a man, even though they both claim not to be gay. I wanted to see how all of this affected their kids (barely addressed in the film). I wanted an ending that held Heath and Jake accountable for their life choices.
To a lesser extent, this movie suffers from Passion of the Christ syndrome. It’s not enough to just have an interesting or controversial subject matter, like Jesus’ crucifixion. To be considered a “great” movie; you still need character development, you need strong supporting roles, you need effective pacing of the scenes (a huge problem in Brokeback), you need a solid plot with an effective ending. You can’t skip over those things, throw together a series of “edgy” scenes (like Jesus’ passion, Sharon Stone showing her … um … ya know, or Hilary Swank taping her breast so they can’t be seen) and then call the movie great.
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