Fresh Meat

Before we get started, I need to say congratulations and to my friend and former boss, Rubi Nicholas, who won Nick at Nite’s American’s Funniest Mom competition. Despite never, ever doing stand-up before, Rubi shocked the world to become the funniest female in suburbia. Who would have thought? Rubi won a substantial monetary prize and will now develop her own comedy series. Very cool. Good job, Rubi!

Now, in honor of the Real World: Denver, appropriately currently filming in Denver right now, this post will be dedicated those obliviously funny individuals on the new Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat Challenge, presently being shown on MTV.

Here are some actual quotes from the real, everyday people on the show …

“This is our job. You don’t see me coming down to your job at Starbucks trying to out-latte you.”

- Theo (In response to “veteran” Real World and Road Rules cast members competing against “fresh meat” who have no MTV experience.)

Yikes. On the “You are at 14:53 on the 15 Minutes of Fame” Clock, is appearing on The Surreal Life, Hollywood Squares, Dancing with the Stars or claiming competing on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is your job, more tragically pathetic?

Part of me thinks (or hopes, I haven’t decided yet), that Theo is kidding. On the other hand, that would require a certain amount of life perspective, which to say these people lack perspective, would be like saying Jennifer Aniston’s movie career thus far is just disappointing. It’s a huge understatement.

One other note, how does Theo’s logic work anyway: Previously appearing on a reality TV program makes you more qualified to appear on another reality TV program? Does that mean you more experienced in being real? I’m confused.

“He outran a black dude!”

- Coral (Blissfully summarizing how talented her “fresh meat” teammate, Evan – a white guy, is.)

And Evan has never been on MTV before either - amazing!

This is the part of the post where I am tempted to write 1,000 words about sports and race; but I just had back-to-back articles on religion and The DaVinci Code and I’m tired of writing about serious stuff – lets stay on the shallow side of the pool, shall we?

“Hi, my name is Aviv.”

If you were competing against her, would you strive to find situations in which you could redundantly and annoyingly say, “Go tell Aviv … “ to the point she’d go crazy, start crying, confront you, accuse you of being “disrespectful,” only for you to make the joke one more time, and accuse her of having an eating disorder, which then causes her to abruptly leave the show and appear on Larry King claiming you hate the state of Israel?

Me neither, just asking. She seems like a nice person.

“Hi, my name is Diem.”

Carpe! Seize the … oh wait, just found out that Diem has ovarian cancer. She just emotionally described how she wants to give it her all physically on the show because she doesn’t know when she’ll get to physical again; due to her upcoming chemotherapy treatments.

Ouch. I feel bad. I am now going to dodge lightening bolts for making fun of a cancer victim. Excuse me.

“Hi, I’m your host, T.J. Lavin.”

I don’t get this guy. He’s not funny, he looks bored and makes Ben Stein seem like Samuel L. Jackson.

For entertainment’s sake, why doesn’t MTV hire Wink Martindale, Chuck Woolery, Pat Sajak or Alex Trebeck to host these shows? At least then they could use words like “sequester” and chuckle like a game show host while all the cast members try to figure out what sequester means. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Pat Sajak awkwardly flirt with Tonya or have Chuck Woolery interview an angry Wes as he tries to prevent him from berating Casey

“We got a clue!”

My favorite moment of every Real World/Road Rules Challenge is when they get a text message describing the next event, and someone always excitedly screams “We got a clue!”

And then five minutes later you watch Evan staple Danny’s name into his ass. Yep, they have a clue.

“You have to know where I am coming from.”
“I’m the type of person … “
“I’m don’t like you disrespecting me.”

These are the three borderline clichéd phrases you will hear at least once on every reality show, that drive me crazier than Charlize Theron at the end of Devil’s Advocate.

Ask yourself, when was the last time you told someone in your life to know where you’re coming from? Or imagine being at work, discussing a raise with your boss and saying, “Chris, if you knew were I was coming from, you’d give me more money.” Or “I guess I am the type of person who wants to get paid more.” Or how about if your boss was giving you some feedback during your annual review and you proclaim, “I don’t like you disrespecting me like this.”

“I don’t want to go into exile.”
“I don’t want to go into The Exile.”

Since I am somewhat of a grammar geek, I find myself wondering what’s correct? The Exile would make it a proper noun. And since The Exile is a specific place, named location in Australia, it’s quite possible saying “The Exile” is right. Just like the inferno, the gauntlet, etc. However, the definition of exile is, “Enforced removal from one's native country, to banish” which exactly what they are doing on the show, literally and figuratively. So it seems to me that “exile” is more correct than “The Exile,” simply because I think that is the spirit of the law. Of course, you could say the same about the inferno and the gauntlet, too. Okay, I’m confused again.

“They don’t realize how twisted, dirty and backstabbing this game can be.”

Here’s what I don’t get, good guys like Alton, Derrick, Timmy and M.J. all accomplished a lot in The Gauntlet II. Yet pain-in-the-ass people like Beth and Tonya always seem to fighting for their reality life and have a giant Target logo on their back. So why does everyone think you need to be conniving, mean and backstabbing to succeed? Even good people, like Ruthie, who have been eliminated early on, always seem to earn everyone’s respect by being fair, trying her hardest and acting relatively civil.

So if you have a better chance of winning by being “professional” (and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible), why take the unethical and immoral approach? Seems like a poor recipe for success. If you are going to claim this show as your job, shouldn’t you try to be good at it? Speaking of …

“You can’t do anything … you are basically athletically worthless.”

- Vince Lombardi

I’m sorry. Actually, that wasn’t Vince Lombardi, it was Wes to his teammate/partner, Casey. My fault. It’s so easy to get those two mixed up.

Anyway, if your career basically consists of competing on a reality show, and you and your teammate stand to make $250,000 from this competition, and whether or not you personally win $125k directly correlates to how well your teammate/partner performs, do you really want verbally beat the *hit of that person during the first week? Do you really want to treat your partner the same way Brittney Spears treats her son?

“I’m really good at making bad decisions.”
“I eat babies.”

Lets agree to hold off on buying our tickets to 7 Habit of Highly Successful Reality Stars Conference, until after the summer.

“On June 16, meet Nacho!”
“I alone hold the key to saving our future. Buy Underworld: Revolution on DVD June 16!”

Okay, not part of the show but I did see these two commercials while I was watching. When I was growing up, I got Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Die Hard, The Goonies, Star Wars and Tom Hanks doing comedy. Nowadays kids get Jack Black as a professional wrestler, Kate Beckinsale saving the world and a Miami Vice movie starring Colin Ferrell. No wonder adolescents are so confused, they have hobbits and hogwarts as their roll models.

And finally …

“I’m looking at the board (balance beam), focusing on every grain on the board and that’s when I decided to just eat the board.”

- Eric, after walking across a balance beam that was hanging 80 stories over the side of a building.

I made-up one part of that last quote – guess which part? Eric is the heaviest person ever to fit on MTV, and for a second I honestly believed he was going to eat the balance beam and ruin the challenge. Turns out, he performed very well and quelled his appetite. I just hope Eric watches Chris Farley’s E!’s True Hollywood Story before his 15 minutes are up.

All joking aside, I think it’s great that MTV decided to put on a person who wasn’t attractive and isn’t of perfect physical proportions. Eric is the Jackie Robinson of MTV. Hopefully he’ll open the door for all the chubby or unattractive people out there who dream of forming alliances, talking behind people’s back, taking themselves too seriously, while competing on a reality show into their mid-30s on MTV, and thought they’d never make it.

Gotta love this show!