No Need to Panic

“I don’t like talking about things I did in the past or the things I’ve done.”

Tonya from ‘Kill Reality’ and ‘Real World: Chicago’ redundantly talking and speaking about her personal life.

Monday’s short posting certainly generated a lot of emails, phone calls and comments. I didn’t realize that talking about childbirth and my personal life would cause such a stir. I feel like I should have released my blog through Al-Jazeera or something. Anyway, I want to clarify two things:

First – I understand how amazing childbirth is, but that still doesn’t qualify it as a miracle. The definition of a miracle is, “an event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin.” How does childbirth qualify when it’s easily explainable by the laws of nature and certainly isn’t supernatural? If I had a dollar for every time I heard the, “when you have kids you’ll understand,” comment between now and Monday, I wouldn’t have to play PowerBall. Listen, I get the point that childbirth is a life-altering event, just not a miraculous one.

Here are some examples of real miracles:

- God turning water into wine.
- 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team.
- George Bush’s re-election.
- Me getting a date during my high school days.
- Las Vegas.
- “Walking in Memphis” singer Marc Cohn getting shot in the head after a concert in Denver this week, having a bullet lodged into his head and not dying. Actually the miraculous part is not the shooting, but rather that Marc Cohn was performing in a concert that people paid to attend.

On a related note, just as every birth isn't a miracle, every death is not a tragedy. Everyday occurrences in the world, like life and death, are not always miracles and tragedies. People die and people are born – that’s life. Just as childbirth is a wonderful experience, every death is worth mourning – both are to be cherished. Overusing powerful phrases, like miracle and tragedy, desensitizes the audience and detracts from events that are worthy of being called such.

Second – The person that inspired the Meet Joe Black quote DID NOT die. She is still alive and living well in southwest Denver. Sorry for causing any unnecessary concern or alarm. Also, I am not depressed or suicidal. I am not about ready to pull a “Brooks” from Shawshank Redemption or a “Frankie Pentangeli” from Godfather, Part II. I’m fine. Really.

I guess I didn’t realize how weird or rare it was for me to show some emotion or do something sweet. As I try to grow as a person, I am attempting to do more things that I am not exactly comfortable with. For a whole plethora of reasons, I don’t like to admit my feelings about certain people in my life. I know, I know, it’s an elementary concept for most people, but I suck at it. Really bad. But I’m trying. And Monday’s posting was my attempt to say thank you to a person who has been very influential in my life, and a person who made my life better. And I just wanted to share that with everyone – it was long overdue.

Dramatic Topic Change …


- In Cincinnati, there is a high school basketball player being recruited by all the major colleges named OJ Mayo. That’s right, OJ Mayo. Isn’t that the best name? If your name is OJ don’t you have to go play for the Syracuse Orangemen? What do want for lunch? OJ Mayo. What’s a good source of Vitamin C and a condiment? OJ Mayo.

- If you are cycling fan, can your favorite cyclist be anyone other than Lance Armstrong? Seriously, does anyone else have a bigger monopoly on a fan base than him? Granted, the fan base is only 62 people plus Sheryl Crow, but it’s still pretty impressive.

(By the way, that Dell computer commercial with Sheryl Crow singing a song called, “Good is Good,” has some really cheesy lyrics - “Good is good and bad is bad.” Yikes Sheryl. Guess you’re not going to be giving John and Paul a run for their lyrical-money anytime soon. What happened to songs like “My Favorite Mistake” and “Leaving Las Vegas?”)

- Speaking of music, here are five songs that have incredible beginnings before anything is sung (in no particular order):

1) Bittersweet Symphony (by the Verve) - I get goosebumps and a smirk every time I hear those crazy violins. Very underrated song. Would it be wrong to have this played at my wedding due to how cool the violins sound and the double meaning of the song’s title?

2) Paint it Black (by The Rolling Stones) – The first 15 seconds just inspires you to do something evil … maybe I should stop listening to this song.

3) Money for Nothing (by the Dire Straits) – One of the best riffs ever written. If I could play the guitar, I would sit in my room and play it over and over again until I started to get money for nothing and chicks for free.

4) Only the Good Die Young (by Billy Joel) – Since I officially changed his nickname from the Piano Man to the Piano God, it is now literally a sin to say anything disparaging about Billy – that is unless you are making fun of his knack for driving his luxury cars into trees on Long Island. Anyway, Billy has a real gift for writing memorable and instantly recognizable starts to songs – see: Piano Man, Scenes in an Italian Restaurant, Uptown Girl (which shouldn't count because of the “Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh, Ohhhhh” at the beginning but since I make the rules and Billy Joel is the Piano God, I’ll let it slide…), and River of Dreams, for more examples of this phenomenon.

5) Machinehead (by Bush) – If I were a baseball player, this would be my intro music as I walk up to home plate, adjusting my cup seven to eight times, while Jose Canseco follows behinds me, injecting anabolic steroids in my buttocks, before settling into the batter’s box.

I am sure I missed some classic songs with great non-singing beginnings, so if you come up with any, please let me know.