Kansas, Part Deux

I think the best way to start part 2 is to show a picture …



You know what this is? Next to the wheel, electricity, air conditioning and Las Vegas, it’s the greatest invention in the history of the world – The Holy Grail – 32 ounces of pure joy. The Holy Grail represents all that is good, right and moral in this country.

A few things you should know about Holy Grails:

1) They are actually called “Schooners.” However, we changed the name because after drinking one you feel that you just drank God’s water and you may actually have eternal life. Remember the smile on Indiana Jones’ face after he drinks from the real Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – it’s just like that, only 10 times better and with a buzz.

2) On Thursday night, Louise’s only charges $1.75 for a Holy Grail. Good God. In NYC they’d charge $11, in Denver they’d charge $8, in Kansas it’s $1.75 on Thursday or $3 on every other night. And you wonder why Jayhawks have such great school sprit and why we keep going back to Lawrence after we graduate.

3) Our current group record for Holy Grails consumed in one night is 3. For girls it’s 2. No one has ever attempted to drink 4, because after drinking 96 ounces of beer, you feel really full and bloated. No girl has drank 3 out of fear of liver implosion or death.

4) It is tradition to steal a Holy Grail. Once you do, the Holy Grail will look over you and keep you safe for the rest of your days. On the flip side, if you break a Grail or treat it with disrespect, a dark cloud will forever hover over you and you will have bad luck until the Jayhawks win the national championship. It’s a proven scientific fact - just ask our friends Julie and Nicole.

So after checking into the Springhill Suites, Marriott in downtown Lawrence and eating a very satisfying meal at the Mass St. Deli, we headed to Louise’s for the night. Jasmine and Bryn walked-in with purses the size of a medium-sized Asian man - two guesses on why they’d be carrying such large purses. If you are still stuck, see 4) above.

Anyway, during the course of the evening Ryan and I both put down three Holy Grails and felt pretty good about it, too. A solid, all-star performance on our part. Though the true superstars of the evening were the girls. Like a woman trying to seduce Nathan Lane, Bryn and Jasmine dared to go where no woman has ever gone before - and drank 3 Grails! Not only that, but Jasmine didn’t sleep with anyone and Bryn didn’t throw up all over Lawrence. Un-freakin’-believable.

Was it the altitude? Was it is the Pyramid Pizza afterwards? Or was it the unique and omniscient power of the Holy Grail that allowed Bryn and Jasmine to accomplish this Herculean-like task? I think it was the latter, but you be the judge.

After the girls indefinitely borrowed their Holy Grails from Louise’s, we made a run to the Red Lyon – another bar on the other side of the street. Like an Ethiopian at Thanksgiving dinner, we rapidly ate 9 baskets of popcorn and spread-out all over the bar. Bryn and Jasmine went over to talk with this borderline-cute guy. Here is their exchange:

Jasmine (drunk and cocky): I’m thirsty.

Random Guy (offended, yet gazing adoringly at Jasmine): Aren’t you with those two guys?

(Bryn giggling in the background)

Jasmine: They aren’t buying us drinks.

Random Guy: No, I can't. I’m super-gay!

Now we’ve all had to repel women who are only into us for the drinks, but I don’t think loudly screaming, “I’m super-gay,” is the best way of going about it. Be confident. Be indifferent. Be proud. Be logical. Be married. Don’t claim to be the gay-est guy this side of Val Kilmer in Top Gun, when you’re obviously not – it just invites jokes, ridicule, a loss of respect, and weird looks from your friends.

Friday

The first question I asked myself as I woke up Friday morning was, “how in the world did these two Kansas cheerleaders get into my bed?” The second and third questions were, “are Bryn and Jasmine still alive,” and “if so, are they useless for the rest of the trip?”

Strangely, Bryn and Jasmine were mostly fine. Ryan and I were interacting with Bryn and Jasmine like the crew in Alien after the face-hugger falls off that guy’s head and he’s acting normal as if nothing ever happened. We were all hungry and slightly dehydrated, but besides that, everyone was ready to take on the day. We kept waiting for an alien to burst out of Bryn and Jasmine’s chest, but it never did. You gotta love the power of the Holy Grail.

While visiting a souvenir store, a heavy-set gentleman in his 50s came up to the four of us and asked us if we worked there:

“Nope,” we said.

“You don’t?”

“No, we still don’t.”

“You don’t work here?”

“No!”

“Any of you work here?”

“No!”

(Visibly annoyed like we were lying) “I guess you guys don’t work here then.”

Just like I hate getting asked if my car belongs to me, I hate being asked if I work someplace just because I am young and smiling. It’s not like we were wearing red and khakis at Target, we were wearing regular clothes and weren’t wearing a name tag! Besides looking young, what else implied that we worked at this store?

A few stores later, that same guy came into a store we were already shopping in. As Ryan was paying for his souvenirs, Bryn and Jasmine went over to heckle the guy. As Bryn made polite, over-the-top insincere conversation (as he stared at Bryn’s rack), Jasmine jumped into the chat and asked him 8 times if he worked there. I’m-laughing-so-hard-I’m-crying-hilarious. The guy was such an idiot that he had no clue why Jasmine randomly kept asking him if he worked there, because he was soooo preoccupied in to telling Bryn all about himself. Every time Jasmine asked if he worked there, he’d repeat that he coached high school track and keep talking. So Jasmine would interrupt and retort with, “that’s great, but do you work HERE?” By the time we left, all four of us were openly making fun of him and even the store cashier was even getting into the laughter.

Switching gears a bit - Don’t you love those people in your life that no matter how much time has passed, or no matter how much has changed in your lives, when you encounter that person again, it’s as if almost no time has passed at all and you talk like you just spoke yesterday. Those types of connections are really special. Sometimes they are with old high school friends. Sometimes it’s with a family member you don’t see very often. Sometimes it’s with someone that for whatever reason you share a bond.

In my case, it was with someone I had dated, lived with, and loved, when I was a senior at KU. I hadn’t really spoken to her in over five years - sure we exchanged the occasional informative and polite email over the years, and even swapped pleasantries at a wedding we both attended, but for about 1,246 reasons, we hadn’t really spoken since we broke-up and I moved away from Kansas 5+ years ago. She’s married with kids now so I don’t have any steamy stories for you, but I will say it was great spending a short amount of time with her.
She called me after we just got done walking around the Greatest College Campus Ever Conceived by Man and were just about to head to Kansas City for the night. I ended-up seeing her for about an hour and a half total on two separate occasions, but it was amazing to me how we were able to joke around, ask about each other’s families, reminisce about the past, and catch-up, as if I just saw her last month. I even recognized her trademark laugh, which I thought I had long since forgotten.

I have no idea if I’ll ever see or talk to this person again. But just like not getting a speeding ticket in Western Kansas, Jasmine and Bryn not having an alien launch out of their chests after drinking three Holy Grails, and the gas prices in Kansas ($2.35 a gallon for premium unleaded), spending time with this person was one the pleasant surprises of the trip.

The Final Chapter in the Kansas Saga Coming Soon!