People I Don't Feel Sorry For

People who drive SUVs and 1) complain about the price of gas 2) can’t fit into parking normal sized parking spaces and subsequently get dings all over their vehicles 3) get in a car accident by driving too fast for the conditions – thinking their four-wheel drives are incapable of actually sliding in the snow or rain.

People who sue McDonalds for being overweight.

Yankee fans. There is nothing sympathetic about a team that spends $200 million in payroll when most of teams can’t spend half that much.

Skateboarders who hurt themselves showing-off.


Movie studios that lose millions of dollars producing pointless remakes like the Dukes of Hazard, Bewitched and The Longest Yard or ridiculous films like Just Like Heaven - while truly original movies like Napoleon Dynamite struggle to get made, end up making $40 million in theatres, $100 million in DVD sales, $20 million in “Vote For Pedro” t-shirt sales and take a seat at the head of the pop-culture table.



Democrats who nominated John Kerry for president while there were clearly much stronger (albeit less “safe” candidates) to choose from.

Anyone who blindly and unilaterally defends the Bush administration after they do something moronic.

People who can’t find a place to stuff their oversized carry-on bag on an airplane.

Anyone on reality TV who claims they are being “disrespected.”

Girls who get their chest constantly stared at while wearing a cleavage shirt.

Any guy dumb enough to get engaged or married to either Paris or Nikki Hilton.

Any athlete dumb enough to test positive for steroids.

People who get fired for downloading porn while at work.

Television networks that complain about low ratings at the same time HBO gives us The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage and Real Time with Bill Maher. Can’t imagine why I would choose those shows over the Life According to Jim … baffling.

People who pay $4.50 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

People who wait until the last possible moment before merging into traffic and then get frustrated that no one will let them in.

Pessimists when something bad happens.

Lottery winners who make bad financial decisions and the money eventually ends up ruining their life.

Any guy wearing a primarily pink shirt.

People who start fights at bars.

News reporters who get sent out in the freezing cold and snow/rain/wind to report on a storm while standing next to the highway, commenting on the traffic and current weather conditions.

Cranky people working the drive-thru window. Heck, anyone in the service industry who has a bad attitude and then gets 1) gets attitude back from me 2) a bad tip or 3) both. In fact, lets add on airlines, restaurants, bars and stores, that give you crappy service or overcharges you, and then eventually go out of business or bankrupt.

Guys who DTR (define the relationship) too fast - and as a result, freaks the girl out.

Kansas State, Missouri, Syracuse and North Carolina fans … just because.

Road-ragers who get their ass kicked because they messed with the wrong driver.

Procrastinators who end-up with bad seats, bad tickets, bad selection, bad flight times, bad hotel arrangements, bad locations, getting screwed on the cost, getting stuck in traffic, being tired, waiting in line or getting yelled at.

People who get a sliver in their tongue eating with chopsticks.

People who run onto the field during a sporting event and consequently get violently tackled and/or beat-up by one of the athletes.

Those idiots who can’t solve the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune when boards reads, “Lu_e S_ywal_er and Darth Vader.”

People who constantly use phrases and words like, “think outside the box”, “high level”, “ducks in a row”, “team player”, “people person”, “touch base”, “talking points”, “in the loop”, “multi-task”, “detailed oriented” and “hot buttons”.

Smokers who have to stand-out in the cold and/or inclement weather.

Rock stars who get hooked on drugs, lose all their money, trash their career and as a result alienate their family and most of their friends. We’ll call this phenomenon the “Every Episode of VH1’s Behind the Music” phenomenon.
(The good news is that they all eventually sober-up, sometimes find God, gain some new perspective on life, have their hot daughters achieve fame, make the cover of People magazine, have an introspective comeback album, followed by a world-wide farewell tour that ends-up making them $50 million dollars.)