One thing that bothers me is that if someone goes around quoting Shakespeare, Twain and Steinbeck, they are considered cultured and well educated. Yet if someone else goes around quoting Coppola, Tarantino or Charlie Kaufman, they are considered a movie geek with no life. This double standard between someone who reads a lot of books and someone who watches a lot of movies has always troubled me, because I believe nowadays movies are just as significant and important as books. I have also been reluctant to identify myself as a “movie buff” because of the weird stigma that is attached.
Anyway, I am movie buff – there, I said it. I love movies – from the high I get from the buttered popcorn, to the coming attractions, even to the 20-wenty (okay, I lied about that). One of my favorite pastimes is to identify those things that only happen in the movies that I want to have happen to me in my life. So, as an ongoing piece, I will present those great Hollywood moments that hopefully I will encounter someday.
Here’s the first round:
I Want to be Given a Briefcase Full of Money – I don’t care if it’s a metal or leather briefcase, as long as it’s a briefcase; no attaches’, gym bags or backpacks. Also, I want someone to spin the briefcase on the table in my direction and say, “it’s all there.” I will then unlock the briefcase, smugly look that person in the eye and thumb-through one bundle of money. Indeed, it’s all there.
I Want to be Forced To Take a Vacation by My Boss – I want to someday work so hard and be wound so tight that my boss demands that I go away for two weeks. For some reason this always comes across as punishment in the movies, but I see at as a badge of honor.
I Want to Challenge My Boss to Fire Me and Him Say No – In a perfect world, this would happen in the same conversation of being forced to take a vacation. I always envisioned it would go something like:
“If you don’t like it, fire me!” I daringly say.
“I’m not firing you, Bill. You’re taking a two-week vacation, NOW! And I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
The weird thing is that whenever this happens to someone (in the movies) they always seem miserable on their vacation. Maybe the catch to the forced vacation is that you can’t enjoy it?
I Want to be Called to the Witness Stand as I am Entering a Courtroom – And right as it happens have a deafening silence fall over the court. Not long after, I want to state my full name and occupation and point out the defendant for the record.
I Want to Turn in My Badge and Gun – And have the constantly pissed-off police captain pull them out of the top drawer of his desk and return them to me after I have reluctantly been vindicated.
I Want to Have a Rooftop Chase – I want to be jumping from roof to roof (preferably wearing a suit) in Chicago or New York. The first few jumps are easy and I nail them perfectly, not even breaking stride. The man in pursuit also easily executes the jumps. In the distance I notice a really long jump quickly approaching and for a moment I doubt myself. Finally I reach the final gap and jump as hard and as high as I can. Of course I will either a) barely make the jump cleanly or b) come up short and end up hanging over edge and having to grab onto a small pipe to pull me back up to safety. In a perfect world, as I hang over the edge, I would also lose a shoe and watch it fall and hit the trash dumpster below. The guy chasing me will either fall to his death or lose his nerve and not even attempt the long jump, as I runaway in the background.
I Want to Have a Train Chase – Similar to the rooftop chase except for this time I am jumping from car to car landing on train cars filled with piles of logs or coal, cars of differing heights and a car with a curved roof that almost causes me to slide off of one side - all the while dodging the oncoming tunnel. The bad guy in pursuit will inevitably be 1) thrown off the train while traveling over a bridge which causes him to land in the river below 2) fall onto the tracks and be crushed by one of the cars 3) I will hold his head up right as we hit the tunnel, which will decapitate him.
I Want to Tell Someone to “Go to Hell” Before They Shoot Me – Odds are this will probably happen in a saloon and the obvious retort to when someone tells you to go to hell is to say, “you first,” and then shoot them. So, that’s what will probably happen to me, too.
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3 comments:
Great list! For me, I'd want everyone to spontaneously burst into a perfectly choreographed dance sequence while I'm out on the beach or at the high school dance.
That's all I want. :)
I love you Willie! You crack me up! Yippee for your new blog!!!
That isn't how the badge thing works in the movies. Here's how it goes:
The protagonist detective begins a case that involves a very large drugs/car theft/money laundering/puppy murdering crime ring. He finds some clues that lead to a prominent member of society. He is sure that this person is involved, but just can't find the proof and all attempts lead to embarrasment for the city police force. The villain makes a call to the police chief, who just happens to be a close personal friend of his. As the detective is approaching the office of his captain, he can hear him being berrated by the chief via phone. When he enters, the captain hangs up the phone, and gives a stern warning, "I don't want you within a 10 mile radius of (insert dubious sounding name here) or I'll have you working crossing guard duty for the duration of your career!" Then of course, haunted by some discrepancy of events that was revealed earlier in the movie, the detective can't resist. He bursts into some public affair that the villain is throwing (which is of course attended by the police chief, and the captain) and makes a bold move to solve the crime. This is unsuccessful and the captain demands the detective's badge and gun. He then goes through a bout of depression and drinking and can only be reminded of his duty to serve and protect by his female love interest who has also noticed a new lead in the case. Without a badge, he infiltrates the nightclub where the crime is being committed, gains evidence for how the entire plan is being carried out ("so THAT's how they're doing it!"), gets captured, then rescued by the female love interest (or vice-versa, depending on whether the movie was made in the 80's or 90's), and catches the villain red handed. Just as the police backup finally arrives. The police captain welcomes the detective back to the force and says something about how he never should have mistrusted the detective to begin with. "Okay, I'll come back, but I am gonna need a raise!"
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