Super Bowl XL Awards

Best Super Bowl Quote:

“Any animal that can climb a rock wall without opposable thumbs; we probably shouldn’t kill.”

- Ryan, commenting on mountain goat hunting laws during a commercial break.

Best Example of George W. Bush Logic:

Hours before the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the #18 ranked Oklahoma Sooners, coming back from a 16 point second half deficit, in the best game of the season so far (about 1,000 times more exciting than the Super Bowl, too).

When the new rankings were released on Monday, were the Jayhawks ranked ahead of Oklahoma? No. Were the Jayhawks even ranked? Nope. Oklahoma is currently ranked #20, and the Colorado Buffalose are ranked #25. Yet Kansas has defeated both of those teams, has a better conference record, and are ahead of both of them in the Big 12 standings.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Best Politically Incorrect Joke:

Before the Super Bowl, the NFL honored the memory of Rosa Parks – which spawned the following remark:

Do you think they buried Rosa Parks in the front or the back of the cemetery?

Most Obvious and Slightly Coincidental Observation:

Aretha Franklin singing the national anthem for Super Bowl XL.

Most Simultaneously Asked Question in 90 Million Households:

Why the hell doesn’t Aaron Neville get that mole removed from his face?

Best Motivational Super Bowl Technique:

Steelers coach Bill Cohwer convincing running back Jerome Bettis there was an all-you-can buffet located in the back of each end zone.

Best Commercial Example of The Golden Rule:

In the FedEx caveman commercial, after getting fired a frustrated caveman place-kicks an innocent dinosaur as he stomps away from his cave. Seconds later, the caveman is crushed by the giant foot of a Karmasourous.

Quick aside - Anyone else notice that cavemen seem to be the focus of a lot of commercials lately?

Best Commercial That Almost Triggered a Group Hug and Inspired Random Acts of Kindness:

That darned Budweiser commercial with the horses helping push the cart for the younger horse. Holy cow was that a moving commercial (pun intended).

When that commercial ended, I immediately wanted to join the Peace Corp or Greenpeace or give money to a charitable organization or something like that. Instead I had a Budweiser … but for a few minutes I really wanted to do something more with my life.

Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing the Super Bowl:

My friend and Denver Seminary professor Dr. Doug Groothuis, calling on the readers of his blog to boycott the Super Bowl.

I think anytime you can boycott an event that brings families and friends together; for an afternoon of bonding, conversation and good food, while watching one of America’s pastimes - you have to do it.

I mean why should we, as a society, participate in something ridiculous like that?

Company I Gained the Most Respect for Because of their Commercials:

Ameriquest Mortgage’s and their “Don’t Judge too Quickly” commercials.

(Just to refresh your memory; their first commercial had a guy lying in a hospital and the doctor’s discussing killing a fly, when a family member walks-in thinking the doctors are discussing the patient. And the other one had a lady climbing over a seat in an airplane, getting her blouse snagged on something, turbulence, and the rest of the plane assuming she’s messing around with one of the passengers.)

Too many mortgage and investment commercials show gray-haired men fishing in the wilderness, or retired couples sitting on swings on their porches, or someone working in their garage fixing something, or families walking down a beach together. It’s refreshing to see a company show they have a personality and a sense of humor about home mortgages.

Best Politician’s Name that is Going to Illicit the Most Inappropriate Jokes in US History:

New United States House of Representatives, Majority Leader: John Boehner.

It’s going to be really hard to not to make long jokes about his pulsating personality, firm stances on huge issues, and to erect a statue in his honor.

(Ooooohhhh, evidently it’s not pronounced like it’s spelled – Dang it! Never mind)

Most Palpable Sign the Super Bowl Was Really, Really Boring and I Had Nothing Interesting to Say About the Game Itself:

Read my previous joke about John Boehner.

On a related note, how hilarious is it that in the late 80s/early 90s we had a major TV character on one of the most popular family sitcoms in America, named: Boner!

Did this bother anyone? Did anyone call for any boycotts of Growing Pains? Were mothers disturbed by their daughters swooning over a character whose best friend’s nickname was a slang term for an erect penis? Can you imagine turning on Seventh Heaven and having a regular character nicknamed “Hard Cock”?

The Further Proof That Childbirth Isn’t a Miracle Award:

Thanks to our environmentally conscience friends at Hummer, we learned that the Hummer is the result of a love-child between some sort of hairy Godzilla that needs to shave, and a giant robot. Pretty gross. Mark this as reason #642 I won’t ever buy a Hummer.

On the plus side, we also learned that the hairy Godzilla can use the new Gillette Fusion, and all of its 19 blades and 24 lubricating strips, to shave itself. What a wonderful image that is. Frankly I’m surprised we didn’t see that in any cross-promotional spots. Maybe next year.

The Memorial Men’s Capri Bad Idea Award:

2-for1 Shampoo and Body Wash.

Call me picky, call me finicky, call me a metrosexual; but I want specialized soap. I don’t want one thing that can wash the hair on my head, my butt, my feet and everything else. Clearly different parts of my body have different needs, and I have a hard time believing one type of cleaning solution can adequately address all of those needs.

I don’t care if the soap comes from Mr. Clean, the Arm and Hammer guy, the Head n’ Shoulders guy, Mrs. Butterworth, and a Hummer; all having sex – and the result is some sort of super-soap that cleans my hair, my body, and I can brush my teeth with – I want shampoo, body wash and toothpaste all to be separate.