-- Jayhawk Brandon Rush, explaining why KU is such a good road team.
I apologize for such a delay in writing, but I’ve been in Torino, Italy competing in the 200-meter Coughing and Phlegm competition, the highly competitive Most Hours Slept Due to Ny-Quil Freestyle competition, and I set the modern day world record for the most times blowing one’s nose in the middle of the night.
Now, before I get to Brokeback Mountain, I want to address my Anonymous friend who can’t seem to spell Jayhawk correctly and who also thinks the Jayhawks suck this year.
(I highly recommend you reading his comments on the post)
First – Jayhawk is one word! Spelled exactly like I’ve typed it 1,467 times previously. It’s not JayHawk, Jay Hawk, JHawk, Jaihawq, or any other derivation. It’s hard for me to grasp your point when you can’t spell the subject of your comment correctly. You don’t spell Spartan: SPARtan, Spar Tan, Sp-art-an, do you?
Second – I’ve figured who Anonymous is … it’s none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Wanna know how I solved the mystery? Anonymous kept droning on in his comments about the past - just like Uncle Rico wished it was still 1982 so he could lead his high school football team to the state championship. Anonymous wishes it was still 2000 or 1979 so he could make comments like, “Yeah, Michigan State won it all without a true point guard … and we made three-pointers shooting over those mountains over there … and the entire Michigan State team shoulda turned pro … and we beat everyone by like 150 points … I wish I had a time machine.”
Come join us in the present, Uncle Rico. Which speaking of …
Third – Kansas is #22 (#18 in the AP poll) in the country with a 21-7 record. Michigan State is #23 (#25 in the AP poll) with a 20-9 record. Michigan State is 8-7 in the Big 10 and sitting in forth place. Kansas is 12-3 in the Big 12 and tied for first place. It’s difficult to assert that Kansas sucks this year when the team you support, Michigan State, has a worst overall and conference record … unless you think Michigan State sucks, too.
Forth – And just because you got me thinking about the past, Uncle Rico. Kansas has more NCAA championships, more NCAA tournament appearances and more NCAA tournament wins than Michigan State.
Now that we have that settled, lets get back to Brokeback Mountain …(don’t think I ever want to say that phrase again)
Inspired by Brandon Rush’s comment, I decided it was time for me to see Brokeback Mountain. After hearing all the jokes, watching all the parodies and vowing to never watch that movie on HBO, alone, with my roommate Ryan on a Friday night- I had to see what all the rage was about.
Here is what took place …
- I am joined by my roommate Ryan, and our friend Calley. Or, what I affectionately called her the entire evening, “our heterosexual insurance policy.” Prior to the movie, Calley signed a binding legal contract agreeing to make-out with either one of us in the event of an emergency.
- I want to know if there is a straight guy out there who could say the following phrase with a straight face – “One student for Brokeback Mountain, please.” If there is, quit your job; the poker world needs you right now.
- What looks worst: Me sitting next to Ryan in the theatre - or me, Ryan and Calley playing musical chairs in theatre as we figure out the “best” seating arrangement?
- A few other questions to ponder: Does it mean anything that originally Calley and I were going to go see Brokeback Mountain by ourselves; and I invited Ryan to come along? What about the fact we ate sushi prior to the movie? Why did I choose to wear my “I lie to girls” t-shirt on this evening? Why is Ryan drinking a bright red fruity drink out of a straw right now?
- During the coming attractions, we see a preview for the Crying Game 2, a Nathan Lane film, and a Cher concert. Just kidding. But it was interesting that the previews featured two English movies and two independent films. Evidently the marketing folks concluded it’s a bunch of Britons and film geeks who go to see Brokeback Mountain.
- As the opening credits role, Ryan rhetorically (and jokingly) asks, “Why do I have an erection already.” I immediately turn to Calley and ask her is she realizes the contract she signed could be enforced by a court of law and I could seek damages if she doesn’t follow through on the make-out clause.
- Just an interesting little factoid for everyone, the tagline for Brokeback Mountain is, “Love is a force of nature.”
Okay.
- Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal; both who are coming off of Oscar-caliber performances. For Jake, it was The Day After Tomorrow. For Heath, it was The Brothers Grimm. With resumes like that, it’s amazing they were able to fit Brokeback into their busy schedule.
- Ten minutes into the movie, we’ve already heard the following quotes:
“Skinny asses.”
“You have to sleep with the sheep.”
“Pitch a tent in five minutes.”
“He got all over my ass.”
Yep, we’re off to a good start.
- About a half hour into the film, we notice there is a family in the theatre with their preschool-aged kids. Nice work, parents - Brokeback is definitely fun for the entire family! I guess Deathblow and Rochelle, Rochelle were sold out. I hope these parents aren’t surprised when their kids dress up like cowboys for Halloween this year.
- Jake Gyllenhaal’s character’s name is Jack Twist … I wonder if that name is a foreshadow? I’d tell you what Heath Ledger’s character’s name is, but frankly I can’t understand 2 out of every 5 words he says … I think it’s something Del Mar. But the good news is he doesn’t sound Australian and hasn’t started singing “Can’t take my eyes off of you” to Jack Twist in a high school stadium yet.
- Did you know Jake Gyllenhaal stared in City Slickers as a child actor? Judging by the looks he and Heath are exchanging right now, he’s about to find out what that “one thing” is that Jack Palance kept referring to.
- You know how a lot of times in movies when characters fall in love; their first time having sex is a highly choreographed encounter, with perfect lighting, light kisses, sensual music, slow motion movements and wandering hands? Well, I guess that rule doesn’t apply for gay-Cowboy-sex.
Let me throw out some words and phrases that describe that first sex scene: sudden, violent, awkward, uncomfortable, shocking, spit-filled, makes me never want to go camping ever again.
Also, I’m pretty sure everyone in theatre shifted in their seats, avoided eye contact, and didn’t make a sound or take a breath until it was over. It reminded me of seeing Fear in college; during the infamous rollercoaster scene between Reese and Mark Wahlberg. Every guy in theatre was so turned-on that they became paralyzed. Same thing just happened here – though I doubt anyone is turned-on. I hope.
- Trust me, nothing makes you feel more absolved about watching a movie like Brokeback Mountain than seeing Michelle Williams (from Dawson’s Creek) and Anne Hathaway (from the Princess’ Diaries) breasts!
More popcorn anyone?
- On page 4 of the Cheating Handbook it reads: “Do not make-out in front of the apartment building of where you live, when the person you are cheating on is inside and can easily see you.”
I bet that never happened between Dawson and Pacey.
- DTR’ing (defining the relationship) is a funny-enough thing as it is. Multiply the humor by 100 when it’s two gay cowboys, who are pretending to be straight, who are played by Health Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, doing it at a Wyoming campsite.
- According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene. Yikes guys, take it easy, it’s only a movie.
- Best line of the film, “This is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.” Try using that one at work tomorrow.
- Finally, at the climax of the film, Del Mar confronts Jack Twist and reads him the following poem:
I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you ride your horse.
I hate the way you rope the sheep,
I hate it when you’re coarse.
I hate your big dumb ass
And the way you kiss my neck.
I hate that loving you is so much of a crime,
That it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you spoon me in the tent,
I hate it when you lie to your wife.
And the way you hold me by the fire,
Even worse when our time expires.
I hate fishing without you,
And the fact that were not married
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
Not even close…
Not even a little bit…
Not even barely.
Not even barely.
Okay, lets fast-forward and get to the review of the film …
All joking aside about the subject matter, I was hoping for more and left the theatre disappointed. I compare this film to Boys Don’t Cry (the Hilary Swank film when she pretends to be a guy). Both films take place in the Midwest, both films include intolerant views about non-traditional love and relationships, both have violent endings, both achieved critical success and nominated for numerous awards, and both feature breast shots that somewhat redeem the film. But both films lack a true emotional impact besides the taboo love. If you take away the forbidden love aspect of both films, you aren’t left with much character development or plot. The filmmakers of Brokeback skip over and hurry through potentially awesome scenes (like the confrontation between Michelle Williams and Health Ledger when she finds out about his big secret) just to get us to an unsatisfying ending that is contrived to trigger a mountain’s worth of emotion. Unfortunately, I wasn’t particularly rooting for Jack Twist and Del Mar to end up together because besides the rushed first act (when they rapidly show a bond between the two cowboys), Brokeback doesn’t do a good job of showing us why they should be together; except for the fact it’s a forbidden relationship.
Just so I’m not all doom n’ gloom, here are a couple of good things about the film:
- The musical score of the film is solid and will provide laughs later-on because it’s easy to remember and to hum to your friends.
- Health Ledger’s performance is the best in the film. It’s pretty amazing his last two films are Brokeback and Cassanova … that’s some range.
- The movie wasn’t preachy or overtly political.
- Dennis Quaid’s short performance is entertaining. It’s still fun watching Cousin Eddie from the Vacation films try to do serious roles. Quaid hasn’t been this convincing since Independence Day.
- It’s an original story and isn’t a remake of some 60s or 70s TV show or another movie that was already done poorly 20 years ago.
Anyway, back to the review …
Both Anne Hathaway’s and Michelle William’s characters seemed to have been wasted; despite having tremendous potential to show the pain and the consequences of having their husbands carry-on dishonest bisexual relationships, while trying to raise their families at the same time. I wanted to see how conflicted Heath and Jake were, despite their occasional arguments while fishing. I wanted to see the struggle of being married to a woman while being in love with a man, even though they both claim not to be gay. I wanted to see how all of this affected their kids (barely addressed in the film). I wanted an ending that held Heath and Jake accountable for their life choices.
To a lesser extent, this movie suffers from Passion of the Christ syndrome. It’s not enough to just have an interesting or controversial subject matter, like Jesus’ crucifixion. To be considered a “great” movie; you still need character development, you need strong supporting roles, you need effective pacing of the scenes (a huge problem in Brokeback), you need a solid plot with an effective ending. You can’t skip over those things, throw together a series of “edgy” scenes (like Jesus’ passion, Sharon Stone showing her … um … ya know, or Hilary Swank taping her breast so they can’t be seen) and then call the movie great.
All joking aside about the subject matter, I was hoping for more and left the theatre disappointed. I compare this film to Boys Don’t Cry (the Hilary Swank film when she pretends to be a guy). Both films take place in the Midwest, both films include intolerant views about non-traditional love and relationships, both have violent endings, both achieved critical success and nominated for numerous awards, and both feature breast shots that somewhat redeem the film. But both films lack a true emotional impact besides the taboo love. If you take away the forbidden love aspect of both films, you aren’t left with much character development or plot. The filmmakers of Brokeback skip over and hurry through potentially awesome scenes (like the confrontation between Michelle Williams and Health Ledger when she finds out about his big secret) just to get us to an unsatisfying ending that is contrived to trigger a mountain’s worth of emotion. Unfortunately, I wasn’t particularly rooting for Jack Twist and Del Mar to end up together because besides the rushed first act (when they rapidly show a bond between the two cowboys), Brokeback doesn’t do a good job of showing us why they should be together; except for the fact it’s a forbidden relationship.
Just so I’m not all doom n’ gloom, here are a couple of good things about the film:
- The musical score of the film is solid and will provide laughs later-on because it’s easy to remember and to hum to your friends.
- Health Ledger’s performance is the best in the film. It’s pretty amazing his last two films are Brokeback and Cassanova … that’s some range.
- The movie wasn’t preachy or overtly political.
- Dennis Quaid’s short performance is entertaining. It’s still fun watching Cousin Eddie from the Vacation films try to do serious roles. Quaid hasn’t been this convincing since Independence Day.
- It’s an original story and isn’t a remake of some 60s or 70s TV show or another movie that was already done poorly 20 years ago.
Anyway, back to the review …
Both Anne Hathaway’s and Michelle William’s characters seemed to have been wasted; despite having tremendous potential to show the pain and the consequences of having their husbands carry-on dishonest bisexual relationships, while trying to raise their families at the same time. I wanted to see how conflicted Heath and Jake were, despite their occasional arguments while fishing. I wanted to see the struggle of being married to a woman while being in love with a man, even though they both claim not to be gay. I wanted to see how all of this affected their kids (barely addressed in the film). I wanted an ending that held Heath and Jake accountable for their life choices.
To a lesser extent, this movie suffers from Passion of the Christ syndrome. It’s not enough to just have an interesting or controversial subject matter, like Jesus’ crucifixion. To be considered a “great” movie; you still need character development, you need strong supporting roles, you need effective pacing of the scenes (a huge problem in Brokeback), you need a solid plot with an effective ending. You can’t skip over those things, throw together a series of “edgy” scenes (like Jesus’ passion, Sharon Stone showing her … um … ya know, or Hilary Swank taping her breast so they can’t be seen) and then call the movie great.
3 comments:
If you read my comment it stated that Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well. The 2000 Championship Team that you brought up had Cleaves, who was a true point guard. Anyhow, if your HUGE forehead can grasp this(can a forehead be any larger-GOSH!), all I am saying is the Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo. Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!
GREAT review of "Broke My Back Mountain" hahahaha. I would like to hear your opinion of the Overland High teacher on a diatribe that made national news recently. Keep it up. Great talent.
Thank you Bri for the kind words. Have a great weekend and great St. Patrick's Day.
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