State-ing My Case

It’s time to tackle a classic debate.

It’s right up there with evolution verses creationism, Coke verses Pepsi, Seinfeld verses Cheers, The Godfather verses The Godfather, Part II, Lennon verses McCartney and are there any circumstances that you would let a good friend date Tara Reid.

The debate is: What constitutes visiting a state?

Sounds like a pretty white bread topic right? Nope. Many hours have been spent debating the exact terms and conditions that apply when evaluating whether you have actually “been” or visited a certain place. So today, I hope to lay-out some strict criteria that will once and for all end this discussion - so we can move on to debate other topics like; whose career has been more of a success, Colin Ferrell or Freddie Prinze, Jr.?


#1 – An airport layover or connection does not count.

I have been to Atlanta’s Hartsfield Airport about a half-dozen times but I have never been to Georgia. Why? Because walking or taking an airport train from Gate C45 to Gate A19, hitting the restroom, grabbing McDonalds, succumbing to Cinnabon, nabbing this weeks People Magazine, and dodging Southern belles along the way, does not mean you just got a taste of life in Atlanta.

(You have to be brought to tears from the humidity, hear the phrase “ya’all” or “ya’awls” 23 times, fear for you life at least once, go to a poorly attended sporting event and wonder aloud if certain Georgians still believe the Civil War is going on, to qualify for that.)

At the bare minimum you have to leave the confines of the airport to even enter into the discussion that you’ve been somewhere … and staying at the airport Hilton doesn’t count either.

#2 – If you are driving, you must cross-section the state.

There’s no real reason to go to Nebraska unless 1) you have family living there 2) have an affinity towards the University of Nebraska 3) plan on being a farmer someday 4) want to see where they filmed Election 5) driving through to get some place much more desirable. Other than that, there are no logical or emotional reasons to step foot in that state.

Now Nebraska is a large state, so it takes several hours to get to the next place, regardless of what direction you are pointed. And believe me, the time it will take you to drive through Nebraska is more than enough time to get a feel for the state and its people. Besides, asking someone to spend the night and sightsee in Nebraska is like asking someone to watch a Golden Girls marathon - so I’m not going to demand anyone do that unless they really want to. For the rest of us, driving entirely through a state qualifies as visiting a state.

By the way, the reason I say you must cross-section the state is because otherwise people would be driving 10 minutes into North Dakota, turning around and saying, “%uck this, I’m going home.” Sorry, you need to spend some time in the state - and driving through a state is usually is enough time to have that experience, regardless of its size.

Without the cross-section rule, no one would ever claim to have visited: Nebraska, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Iowa, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia, Delaware or Rhode Island.

#3 – If you are not driving through a state, you must spend the night.

If you are spending the night somewhere, more than likely you are eating a meal, traveling at least a little bit around the city/state, and verifying that their Best Buys, Chili’s and Old Navy’s look exactly the same as yours back home - so I think that counts as a visit.

On a side note, don’t you hate it when you are sleeping in a hotel room and around 5 a.m. housekeeping comes banging on your door because you forgot to hang the “do not disturb” sign on the door handle. You hope that if try to sleep through the incessant pounding that hopefully they’ll just move on and let you keep sleeping. Of course they don’t, and they open the door and at which time you either hear a large crash from the quasi chain lock preventing their entry, or you angrily scream at them that you’re “still in here!”

I also hate it when I can hear housekeeping knocking on doors and saying “housekeeping,” a couple of rooms down from mine, and I know I didn’t hang the “do not disturb” on the door, yet I am too lazy to get up and put it on the handle before they arrive at my door – that’s a weird feeling of impending doom.

#4 – If you don’t spend the night or cross-section the state, you must spend the day there and see some of the local sites.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

If you are visiting or live in Kansas, and drive to Missouri to spend the day in Kansas City shopping, eating barbeque, going to a Chiefs’ game, dropping $150 at the blackjack tables at Harrah’s, and arguing with someone about why Kemper Arena doesn’t allow alcohol - then you can add the Show-Me State to your list of states visited.

If your family forces you to drive 30 miles into Wisconsin to spend 5 hours with your 3rd Aunt, twice removed, whom you have never met before; and you spend the day watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of Matlock on a brown suede couch, staring at a hunting rifle that was mounted behind the TV, while the rest of my family sat in the kitchen reminiscing about the weather - then that doesn’t count as a visiting Wisconsin.

And finally, if you drive to Maine to spend the day eating as much lobster as you can, while taking pictures of lighthouses, and squeezing in as many Shawshank Redemption jokes and references as possible, within an 8 hour timeframe - then you can say you have been to Maine. I mean really, besides those three things what else there to do in Maine?

#5 – You must be 18 or older at time of visit.

What did we know about anything before were 18?

Just like ex-girlfriends/boyfriends don’t count before 18, neither does visiting a state. Now that I think about it, a lot of the same philosophies and reasons for pre-18 ex’s not counting, are the same for visiting a state before you turn 18 …You know, I could describe what I am talking about, but I would rather you use your imagination.


Anyway, that’s it. Those are the 5 criterion that need to be considered when analyzing whether or not you have visited a certain place. So how many states have you visited?
In closing, I want to suggest a related and interesting conversation topic that I have had with my friends on a few occasions:

(EARMUFFS for any minors and/or adults who fear they cannot handle adult subject matter)

How many states have you had sex in?

Great conversation. One word of advice though, don’t have the conversation in the presence of a current girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse that has hard time hearing about stuff like that. They may start to work the numbers in their head, and the conversation might end very badly for you. Just a warning.

Click here for a map of the U.S. so it's easier for you to count - and please post a comment with your final number. (If you are worried, you can post anonymously)