Kansas, Part I – The Road Trip

Like chopsticks and baseball, Americans have a romantic attachment to road trips. Is it the seedy truck stops where you wonder if the people who work there actually know what year it is and who is president? Is it the junk food? Is it that neat feeling of watching a “Welcome to …” sign come and go out of your window? Is it the borderline cheesy, yet strangely effective, games you play to pass the time? Is it the camaraderie that comes with spending hour upon hour stuck in a car? Is it the rest areas? The billboards? The tumbleweed? I don’t have any answers for you – but all I can say is I do love road trips. And on 8 a.m. on Thursday morning, we began our 8 hour road trip to Lawrence, Kansas. Here is what transpired …

Before we get started, let me introduce the starting line-up. Joining me on this journey is:

He’s a 6’2, cerebral, senior web developer, hailing from the proud state of Oregon. His hobbies include Vodka Tonics, blondes, spiking his hair, successfully wearing wristbands, giving girls wedgies, taking awesome photographs, techno dancing, and becoming a world champion heckler when he’s drunk. This is Ryan!

Weighing in at a Nicole Ritchie-like 100 pounds, she’s an overly efficient and productive American Eagle manager, and future nurse. She has a knack for being able to imitate anyone’s dancing style, hates the state of Iowa, and has an affinity for snorting. She is graceful at all times and is never, ever clumsy. She currently holds the North American record for the longest period of time of never accidentally spilling anything on anybody. Let me introduce Ryan’s girlfriend and a friend of ours, Bryn!

And last, but certainly not least. She is a fireball redhead who is currently on a mission to have all red-headed slut shots renamed to “Jasmine.” She’s a successful, big-headed, yet humble marketing director originating from Cornhusker country, aka – Nebraska. She is a recent addition to the professional improv world and is so loud that even a microphone cannot duplicate the volume of her voice. I give you our friend and fellow blogger, Jasmine!

Onto the trip …

- As Ryan and I are locking-up the house and preparing to set the alarm, Ryan and I have the following exchange:

Ryan: Is there anything we should turn-off before we go?

Bill: Yeah, Jasmine.

- As Kip Dynamite would sing, “I love technology …” We are joined on this trip by XM Satellite Radio and Ryan’s laptop capable of playing DVDs. For a moment I almost feel sorry for Lewis and Clark, and all those other people who have had to endure a cross-country trip without the luxuries of modern technology. Unfortunately, my moment of sorrow and reflection is interrupted by the 20th Century Fox theme blaring through my speakers as the first movie starts playing. Oh-well.

- First stop of the trip is in beautiful Limon, Colorado. For those of you who have never been, Limon is beautiful this time of year. If you have a spare 10 minutes, I highly recommend visiting one of their clean restrooms and hospitable fast-food establishments. Let me put it this way, Limon is the Hays, Kansas of Colorado.

Anyway, we didn’t eat breakfast prior to leaving so we patronize the Limon McDonalds. Two things to ponder about McDonalds. One, why are all their Chicken McNuggets shaped like the state of Louisiana? And two, why is their Coke two-hundred times better than anyone else’s? Seriously, it’s like soda heroin … except it doesn’t alienate your family, dominate your life, and cost you your job … but besides that, they are very similar.

- Anyone who has driven on I-70 between Limon and the Kansas state line can’t help but notice the “giant” tower in Genoa, Colorado called, Tower Museum - where they claim from the top you can, “View 6 States!” I’ve always been highly skeptical of this assertion because from the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago you can only see 4 states, and the Genoa Tower is about 1,000 feet shorter - so when you think about it, what six states can you actually see? Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming, Oklahoma, New Mexico, would be my guess - but even that’s a stretch.

As it turns out, back in the day, the Tower was once a fairly popular tourist attraction because of this claim which is in fact, a giant hoax. Colorado is the only state visible from the top, but before I-70 was constructed and overnight stays in small towns were more of a necessity, the Tower was a top tourist draw in no small part because of the 6-state claim. Most guests didn’t do the research, or more likely didn’t care, so no one ever really called-out the owners of the Tower about their deceptive claim. Maybe it’s karma because the place is pretty run-down now. I think more people visit the World’s Largest Prairie Dog and 5-Legged Steer in Oakley, Kansas than the Tower Museum. Ouch.

(By the way, the World’s Largest Prairie Dog is a hoax, too – it’s a wooden statue)

- After having an entertaining and windy photo session at the Kansas state line, where I am pretty sure Bryn and Jasmine simultaneously freaked-out and turned-on about two dozen truckers, by running around trying to catch tumbleweed, we stopped in Colby, Kansas to refill the car, buy some snacks, and get glared at by the locals.

Now Colby is one of those towns that only has one movie theatre, with only one screen, and shows only two movies. Well a few years back, Ryan and I stopped in Colby to pick-up some Sonic, which is adjacent to their movie theatre. And the way they listed what movies were playing was really funny. Their movie sign read:

NOW PLAYING
Hannibal The Mexican

Freakin’ hilarious. It’s obvious what two movies they were advertising, but can you imagine that movie …

“Hola Clarice. Come Estas? Me gusta fava-beans y bueno Chianti.”

- Not long after Colby, at a cruising speed of 82 miles per hour (in a 70) and right in the middle of The Interpreter starring Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn, I look in my rear view mirror and see a police car on the other side of the highway suddenly make a U-turn. Mother fu*&^*er! Who doesn’t know what that sinking feeling feels like? – knowing a cop just turned around because of you. In an act of desperation, I quickly exit at the town I just happen to be passing at the time, and hope I can lose him on the exit ramp. Shit, still behind me and gaining quickly. I make a swift right turn into the gas station and rapidly park the car.

Nope, didn’t work. He’s parked right behind me. The State Trooper knocks on my window and immediately asks if this is my car - and he asks in a way that somehow suggests that it’s unusual for a car full of 20-somethings to be driving a Lexus – that ageism stuff really bugs me. Of course he queries me if everything is current on my license (which it isn’t, my address is wrong) and disappears to his vehicle for what seemed to be the next 47 minutes. Yep, I am getting a ticket. In the meantime, a handful of people take pleasure in watching me get a ticket in a gas station parking lot. Go ahead – point, laugh, take your best shot, assholes. I don’t need to do anything but sit here and smile - my good friend Mr. Karma will take care of the rest. And, as it miraculously turns out, he does. I get a warning! No ticket! As Jasmine would loudly declare, “YIPPEE!” I love Mr. Karma. This has to be a good sign for things to come.

These events do beg the question though, after escaping a speeding ticket, do you: test fate and continue speeding? Or, do you take the State Troopers advice and slow down a bit?

Inspired by the near-ticket experience, we all hop out of the car and drop about $30 in snacks at the gas station store. One hour and 77 miles later, Ryan would claim that he can actually hear us getting fatter, as we joyfully consume: Funyons, Pull-n-Peel Twizzlers, some sort of assorted snack mix, chips, donut-holes, soda and candy bars. We eat so much that I think Bryn may have actually gained some weight … nah! Eating like crap is definitely one of the best parts of a road trip.

- Just passed a billboard that read, “Bill, Bored?” Wow. That was the single most personalized signage I have ever encountered. I feel giddy.

- Don’t you hate it when you’re peacefully driving along and all of a sudden a loud HONK! blares at you – only for you to realize it’s the radio (or in our case the DVD player). It scares you just enough to get you mildly annoyed and to get your heartbeat going a little quicker.

- About halfway through Kansas I have seen signs for Dorothy’s house, Oz, the Oz Museum, an Oz theme park, a store where you can pet a stuffed Toto, and a place where you can try on a replica pair of Dorothy’s slippers. Okay, I made-up those last couple of things, but if Kansans ever want to stop having to endure the hundreds of unoriginal and tired Wizard of Oz jokes, you have to stop taking so much damn pride in that movie! It’s ridiculous, the movie came out in 1939! I’m tired of people telling me, “I’m not in Kansas anymore.” It almost like Kansans believe the movie is based off of a true story – sort of like how they teach creationism in science class.

I’ve never been to Morocco, but I seriously doubt the country is building a Casablanca Theme Park and Museum, where you can try on Humphrey Bogart’s hat and trench coat, and play Sam’s piano. Get over the Wizard of Oz, Kansas! Please.

- Two things I’ll never understand.

1) Why, if you are sleeping in a car, do you suddenly wake-up when the car comes to a complete stop?

2) Why, when slowing down or looking for a place to get gas and/or eat, do you need to substantially turn the volume down on the radio?

While we are here, another question I have is … When a small town purchases a billboard and proudly advertises their city by using the following slogans:

“History, Diversity, Fun for the Family – Visit Beautiful WaKeeney, Kansas!”

“A History of Hope, Heroes, and Hospitality – Abilene, Kansas!”

“Russell, Kansas – Where the Past, Present and Future Meet!”

“Colby, Kansas – The Oasis on the Plains”

Do the townspeople honestly expect people to go ...

“Wow, Russell seems great! Hey honey, evidently we overlooked Russell in our vacation planning. Screw Kansas City, let’s take the family to Russell and tour their Indian Relics and Great Plains Museum! This is great! The kids will love it. I can’t believe we never thought of vacationing here before!”

Seriously, have you ever stopped at a small, Midwest town off the side of I-70 for any other reason except to: use the bathroom, buy gas, eat a meal, buy snacks, stay one night at a hotel, or buy something for your car? I really want to know, do those cheesy ad campaigns really work on anyone? And if so, I really want to meet those people!

- After getting some gas we encounter this awkwardly phrased sign:

I love it! I am definitely hanging my souvenir chicken fajita on the wall when I get back to Denver.

- At mile-marker 313, we are told by a billboard that, “One Kansas farmer feeds 128 people plus myself.” Good to know. Exit 313 is also the exit for Manhattan, Kansas, home of the Kansas State Wildcats. If I was a betting man, I’d bet that most Kansas farmers have spent at least 6 years in Manhattan earning their bachelors degree.

- I am continually frustrated by those public restrooms that are just big enough to be used by multiple people, yet don’t contain a divider between the urinal and the toilet. Every guy out there knows exactly what I am talking about. Are they honestly expecting us to use the stall without a divider? I really hope not. Yet it always strange locking the door to some giant bathroom that seems destined to be used by multiple people.

- And the winner of the Most Random Bumper Sticker Award goes to:

“Circumcision is not a parent’s right!”

Okay??? I try to stay up on the news, but is this even an issue? Is there a large anti-circumcision movement under way in this country that I am not aware of? Strangely a woman was driving the car, but is there a group of bitter men walking around demanding foreskin?

- I know I just referenced a woman driver, but has anyone else noticed that traveling in this country is a giant sausage-fest? Last month I flew to Cincinnati for the weekend and the airplane was 80% male. Every time I walk through an airport, it’s lined with men. Over 90% of the cars I passed on I-70 were comprised of all guys. Traveling in America is like going to bad bar on a ladies night – a bunch of cheesy guys standing around checking-out and drooling-over every woman they come across. Not good. A couple of the people we encountered in our travels reacted to Bryn and Jasmine like Tom Cruise telling Oprah about Katie Holmes. I’m not kidding, it was weird.

I know women travel – I’ve hung out with women in different cities and states – but how in the world do they get to their final destination? Do they take buses? Trains? Chartered planes? Maybe some other mode of transportation I don’t even know about? Baffling.

- I love the phenomenon that occurs after you’ve been driving 75+ MPH for 8 hours, and you’re suddenly thrown onto a road where every one is driving 40 MPH, and the cars seem to be moving in slow motion. That’s always fun. I love bobbing-n-weaving in and out of traffic, like the way we used to play those racing games on Nintendo.

- So around 5:45 central time, we arrive in Lawrence in very good spirits. Thanks to the movies, the trip went pretty quickly and besides needing to brush our teeth really, really badly, everyone’s bodies are in good shape and still have their full mental faculties.

In the next posting …

Will Jasmine talk to her Best-In-Show? Will Bryn spill a Mexican snack on a stranger? Will Kansas end their 261 year losing streak to Nebraska? Will Ryan be fooled by a deceptive lollypop wrapper? Will I get a visit from an unexpected person? All these questions and more will be answered in Part II of the Kansas trip - coming soon!