Partying Like It’s Your Birthday

On Saturday night a large group of us went out to celebrate our friend’s/Ryan’s girlfriend, Bryn’s birthday. Armed with a little black notebook and a pen the size of a miniature golf pencil, I kept a running journal of the night’s events (while looking like a total weirdo the entire time – who takes notes in a club?). And this is what transpired …

- We are coming to you live from Denver’s new bar/club, The Donkey Den. Just to give you a little history, The Donkey Den has been the source of some controversy here in Denver recently. Evidently, in Tijuana, a "donkey den" refers to a brothel where men pay to see women have sex with animals and often participate in the sexual slavery of girls (some as young as 8). Yikes. I guess they won’t be having any 18-and under nights or bring-your-pet-to-the-bar nights anytime soon. Their menu also used to include such items as “Ho-Made Fries" and "Donkey Punch" burgers. Apparently, some people took exception to those names - especially the “Donkey Punch,” which is when during doggystyle sexual activity, a man punches his female partner as hard as he can in the back of the skull right before he reaches climax. This causes her to convulse and tighten every cavity. Such a punch is also an illegal boxing move that can cause serious and permanent injury to the brain stem.

Realizing their mistakes and feeling like total jackasses, The Donkey Den removed those items from their menu and now they regularly meet with leaders of anti-violence and women's advocacy groups here in Denver to exchange ideas about how the club can play a positive role in the community. Good recovery, guys.

- As Ryan, Bryn, Amy and I walk in to The Donkey Den, Ryan and I quickly spot a bachelorette party on the patio. Wow, that was easy – streak continues.

- Ryan orders the first drinks of the night (not counting the Smirnoff Ice I had at the house while watching the last few minutes of TiVo’d show called, “Superhuman Powers.” Nothing gets a birthday celebration off to a better start than a Smirnoff Ice and a show from the Discovery Channel), and quickly observes that instead of giving him a vodka-tonic, he receives a vodka-vodka, with a hint of tonic. Ryan proudly remarks that the bartender is pouring drinks “like a champion” and that he is going to need superhuman powers to not to be drunk by 10:45.

- Ryan gives the bartender his credit card to start a tab, and she inexplicably starts dry-humping and dancing with Ryan’s credit card. That was really weird. I guess she was overly excited to see what Ryan’s credit max is? I later suggest to Ryan that he wash-off his credit card and probably not put it too close to his nose.

- Our friend Jasmine (and fellow blogger) arrives wearing 1/3 of shirt. Quickly, the betting lines go out on the “over/under” on what time it will be the first time someone sees Jasmine’s nipple – I confidently take the “under” and put $20 on 11:07.

- Jasmine has now been at The Donkey Den about 12 minutes and has had to answer 71 questions about whether that’s her bra sticking out of the front of her shirt and whether she wore that shirt on purpose. Poor Jasmine.

- More of Bryn’s friends arrive including a group that contains at least 3 deviations of the name Lucas. Yeah, that won’t be confusing later on when everyone’s drunk. On the plus side, calling someone Lucas gives you a 50/50 chance of being right - kinda like calling a gangster Vinny or Rocco.

- Bryn-the-birthday-girl just had her first shot of the night. Happy 22nd birthday, Bryn. A buzzed Ryan prophetically tells me that he had a shot, too and that in hindsight it probably wasn’t a good idea.

- One the Lucas-es, donning a pink shirt, heads immediately over to Jasmine’s breasts for a conversation. I doubt this Lucas could pick Jasmine’s face out of a lineup but would have no problem telling me how many freckles she has on her chest.
- Pink-shirt-Lucas just put his arm around Jasmine for the 32nd time in 8 minutes - must be some sort of record.

- On the way to the bathroom, I spot one of those clear/plastic-strap bras that are suppose to be invisible. I have to admit, I am not a fan. One, they are never invisible and two, they look terrible. I’m sorry, but I think they look kinda of trashy. There is just something unattractive about clear, plastic straps taking the place of a normal bra strap. Not to mention, the clear plastic reflects a lot of light, so you’re not really “hiding” your strap anyway. Are there people out there who actually complain about seeing bra straps? Seems like the bra-strap problem is a small issue that really didn’t need to be fixed in the first place… sort-of like Iraq.

- Bryn just got happily dragged to the bar for another shot and has finally reached double digits in terms of the number of shots she has taken tonight - this time I think it was tequila. It’s still pretty early and Bryn weighs about 101 pounds – this might end badly for her. I think she’s the only one who is drunk so far.
- Ryan just loudly declared, “I’m plowed!” Correction, Ryan’s drunk too.

- Just glanced at my cell phone and it’s only 10:43. Wow. Bryn has had as many shots as there are Lucas’ in the club, and Ryan is only on his sixth vodka-vodka. Both look excessively giddy – like Ron Burgundy after Baxter saves him from the bears at the end of Anchorman.

- Out of nowhere, one of Bryn’s friends suddenly appears dressed like Alabama from True Romance. Wait, on second thought, no she isn't. I have no idea why I just wrote that down. Am I drunk? Anyway, I guess I will take this time to say that I don’t get the appeal of kung-fu. The Kill Bill movies were okay, but for the most part I find kung-fu painfully boring – like watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But some people freakin’ love kung-fu, why? What is so damn entertaining about kung-fu? How can anyone sit through a kung-fu marathon or schedule time in their daily routine to watch that stuff? I need to have someone explain this to me because I’m perplexed and baffled. I would even go so far as to say I hate kung-fu. There it is, I said it.

- I just took some time to wander around The Donkey Den by myself and people-watch. Always a good time. Which brings me to my next observation - nothing spells classy like a ragged white, wife-beater and black bra. I bet I can guess what that girl’s teeth look like.

- When you decide to wear a sports jersey to a club, what criteria do you use to pick-out the jersey?

“Let’s see – should I go with my Kobe Bryant jersey? Nah. I don’t want girls thinking about date-rape. What about my vintage Wilt Chamberlin jersey? Didn’t he sleep with like 10,000 women? Probably should pass. OJ? No. Barry Bonds? He did take steroids and I am pretty sure I read somewhere that those make your balls shrink, so NO! Magic Johnson? No, he has AIDS from sleeping around with groupies. Michael Jordan? Perfect. Who doesn’t like Michael Jordan? Classy. A winner. Good looking. I can attract girls from Illinois. Perfect.

Now, should I go with the home or away jersey? I am always being told how the home-whites always bring out my eyes …”

- Just spotted two guys fully enjoying the clever t-shirt trend.

(On a related note, where’s Jasmine when I need her? Jasmine has “met” at least two boys while we have been out – on previous nights - who were wearing clever t-shirts. She seems to have a serious weak spot for boys in t-shirts that read, “I Like Girls That Like Girls.” Guys who wear shirts like that are definitely the type of men you would want to have a relationship with and take home to meet your family. Jasmine is single, by the way.)

Oh! Just found Jasmine - Pink-Shirt-Lucas is still clutching and grabbing her – like a defensive back trying to commit pass-interference. I guess she’ll have to wait for another night to meet a man in a “One Night Stands Welcome” t-shirt. Oh-well.

Speaking of clever t-shirts, I want to create a line of successful clever t-shirts. I always see shirts that say something like, “Born Again Loser.” Instead, I want to produce a line of shirts that say, “I Have a Fully-Vested 401(k).” Or, “I Get Three Weeks Paid Vacation.” Or “I Have Business Cards and Medical and Dental Insurance.” You would think girls would rather go for guys in a shirt reading, “I am a Salaried Employee” instead of a man in a shirt that states, “I Lie to Girls.”

I need to make this idea happen so I can wear a shirt that says, “I am a Millionaire.”

- Top sign a guy is meeting a girl for the first time: he shakes her hand (otherwise he would hug her), stares at her breasts, smiles, glances at her chest again and then begins to participate in the conversation.

- A random guy just asked Jasmine and her boobs what he can get for $20, while Pink-Shirt-Lucas glares at the random guy the way McDonald’s employees glare at you when you ask for additional barbeque sauce for your nuggets.

- Our Hispanic-friend Joe joins the group and talks uninterrupted for two minutes – which allows me to say, “I don’t understand what you’re saying … I don’t speak Spanish.” Hilarity ensues (Joe was speaking plain English). I have been waiting to use that classic quote from Anchorman in a real conversation for the longest time. If I make that joke to the wrong person, I end up getting beat like a Democrat trying to win Kansas’ electoral votes, so luckily, Joe was a good sport.

- Ryan and I just got flipped-off by our friend Julie. Have no idea why. But I would like to say that just like wearing a black bra underneath a white shirt, or wearing a bra with plastic straps; girls flipping someone off is really unattractive, un-lady-like and trashy. Don’t mean to pick on you girls, but you ladies as a gender should really try to stop using your middle finger. Just a thought.

- I just noticed some of the men in our group are experiencing male-patterned baldness. I have to admit, I am terrified of going bald. With my big head, can you imagine what I would be like with no hair? Ugh. If I go bald, the only bar I am going to be getting action in will be the bar from Star Wars.

- A random drunk guy just did a goal line-like jump into Ryan, me and 4 of the Lucas-es. Like a true drunkard, he spilt some of our drinks, didn’t apologize and moved on. Considering how much room this guy had to walk-by us, I suspiciously check my pants to make sure I didn’t just get pick-pocketed.

- Ryan, showing the heart of a warrior, wisely switches from vodka-vodkas to water. On the fly, he creates the one water:one vodka/vodka ratio to be instituted for the remainder of the evening. A true stroke of genius. Only a wise and tenured drinking man has that type of drinking foresight. Just beautiful.

On a related note, Bryn just had her 20th-something shot and is beginning to make the same face athletes make after suffering a massive concussion.
- A drunk Ryan stumbles up to me and remarks, “Jasmine is hooking-up with a Carmelo Anthony look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- One of the Lucas-es and his fiancée, Rose, start grinding in front of me and Ryan. As she is dancing, Rose mentions to all of us that she is sore, which somehow spirals into an unsettling conversation about using Ben-Gay as a lubricant. Yikes. It was at this point that Lucas joined-in on the dialog, as a petrified Rose ran for cover. Lucas chimes-in by openly wondering what Ben-Gay on the balls might feel like. Freakin’ hilarious. Astonished, Ryan and I are rendered speechless and promise never to talk about this topic again.

- More of Bryn’s friends arrive and we quickly learn that they went/go to Kansas State University. I shift into the obligatory anti-Kansas State jokes like, “you went to KState? What did you do, lose a bet?” “I could have gone to KState but my SAT scores were too high.” “You must look really good in purple.” And of course, “you can’t spell suck without KSU.” The KState’ers have no idea what to say in response to my playful barbs. I was waiting for them to say to me, “I don’t understand what you’re saying, I don’t speak English.” Instead, they give me the same blank look the people in Men in Black have on their faces after they had their minds erased by the deneuralizer.

Besides that, they seem like really nice people.

- Ryan stumbles up to me again and says, “Jasmine’s now hooking-up with a Kobe Bryant look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- The bathrooms at The Donkey Den are a bit confusing – “heads” and “tails.” It may make common anatomical sense to a sober person that the men are “heads” and the ladies are “tails,” but when you’re drunk, it’s a coin-toss.

- Does anyone know why a Sex on the Beach shot is called Sex on the Beach? It’s probably just a funny name or someone commemorating a sexual experience they had on the beach. But if it’s the latter, I am totally jealous. What a legacy to leave behind! I want to name a shot after one of my memorable experiences … like an Impala Rain Storm, or an Orlando Hot Tub, or a Hays Grass-stain.

- Bryn’s friend and boss, Hillary, arrives on the scene showing off her fully-functional fun-extinguisher. Luckily, we are assured that she is much more fun when she’s drunk. Great! We quickly point Hillary in the direction of our KState Wildcat friends.

- In the midst of a conversation, Ryan inadvertently drunk-spits in Rose’s Lucas’ face. Lucas, being a good sport because that tends to happen when alcohol is involved, immediately starts making fun of Ryan, only to accidentally smack Julie’s drink out of her hand and spill it all over the floor. Good times. The look on Julie’s face after this happened is the same look you get when you find out you just drank milk that expired a week ago.

- Hillary just disappeared with a guy wearing a suit, which causes Ryan to use the second great Anchorman quote of the night, “it’s so damn hot! Wearing a suit was a bad choice.”

- The DJ just put on the ever-popular dance-club song, “Billy Jean” by Michael Jackson. Do you people know what this song is about? If so, I really doubt you would be rushing to the dance floor to get-jiggy-wit-it. “Billy Jean” is about a guy who meets a girl on the dance floor, they have sex, she has a son, he denies it’s his kid, she takes him to court and then he sees a picture of the boy and realizes the kid has his eyes. Call me crazy, but is that really the type of song you want to celebrate when you are meeting girls at a club, dancing with them and possibly scoring with them later on? Is this really the area you want to temp fate and irony?

- Ryan stumbles up to me again and says, “Jasmine’s now hooking-up with a Shaquille O’Neal look-alike – that sounds about right.”

- As the night starts to wind-down, Bryn is getting attention from about six friends trying to prevent her from puking and/or passing out. Always a sign of a successful birthday celebration. The way they are working on Bryn looks as if they are trying to diffuse a bomb. I think I just overheard Ryan telling Rose to be careful not to cross the green wire with the yellow wire.

- Pink-Shirt-Lucas is contemplating a way of kidnapping Jasmine’s breast and Jasmine without any legal implications. I think he just challenged the Shaquille O’Neal look-alike to game of HORSE for the rights to take home Jasmine’s chest.

- End of the night planning suddenly starts to occur everywhere: who is driving who home? Who needs prophylactics? Who needs saving or beer goggles? Who needs help walking out to the car? Who can find the missing the parts to Jasmine’s shirt? Why does Julie keep asking Rose’s Lucas about Ben-Gay?

- The night was polished off with some great late-night pizza. With all due respect to Taco Bell, McDonalds and Philly cheese steaks, pizza is the king of all drunk food. If I was going to get executed for a crime after a night of drinking, my last meal would definitely be two slices of pepperoni from Pyramid Pizza.

Sorry if this got a little lengthy, but this is the first time I tried the whole journal-thing, so if people like it, I’ll do it again for other events. And I’ll try to keep it a little bit shorter next time.