The Best Vegas Movies, Part II

#5 – Casino

This movie will get you in the mood for Vegas simply because it gives you a great understanding of what Vegas was like before Stardust, Circus-Circus, Tropicana and The Frontier all sucked, before Steve Wynn changed The Strip forever when he built The Mirage, and before MGM ruined Treasure Island by turning it into TI.

But there are two things that keep Casino from being a great Vegas movie, and to an extent, a great movie altogether:

A. None of the characters are likeable.
B. It lacks quotable or memorable lines

In Casino’s older brother, Goodfellas, Ray Liotta’s character is pretty much a likeable guy for most of the film. Joe Pesci’s character is enjoyable for the same reasons as Tony Soprano. And we root for Robert DeNiro’s character because he does the things we like to see from a mob character. In Casino, unless you like characters who chain smoke, do lots and lots of drugs, betray their best friend by hooking up with his wife, and wear funny-looking robes and suits – you probably aren’t going to like any of the main characters. And there isn’t one “I’m funny like a clown, I’m here to amuse you” scenes.

All of that being said, the first hour of the film is as good as it gets. It gives you a fantastic behind the scenes look of how a casino was run in 70s, how annoying redneck gamblers can be, Vegas’ policy on cheaters, and why you want to avoid Joe Pesci and vises whenever possible. Add that stuff up, and put it with Scorsese’s direction, awesome cinematography, cool music, solid acting by DeNiro, Pesci, and unbelievably Sharon Stone, and Casino is just good enough to crack the top five – kinda like The Luxor.

#4 – Bugsy

A lot of you probably don’t know this movie but it’s the extremely loosely-based true story of how Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel conceived Las Vegas and built The Flamingo in the 40s.

While driving back to L.A. from a Vegas casino that looks like the location of a bad horror movie starring Ryan Gosling, Bugsy gets into a fight with his feisty girlfriend Virginia Hill, whose nickname is Flamingo due to her celebrated fellatio capabilities. As legend has it, and how it is wonderfully shown in the movie, Bugsy angrily pulls his car over, storms out into the desert, stops, and as the sun is setting behind him, envisions today’s Las Vegas. His vision even includes Las Vegas overcharging patrons to ride the monorail.

In some interesting and amusing scenes, the movie shows Ben convincing his mobster friends to finance building the hotel, the construction problems of building a casino in the desert while also having no idea of actually how to build a casino, dealing with how everyone from Danny Gans to Lance Burton, thought The Flamingo was going to be a huge disaster, and eventually Ben’s downfall.

Say you found yourself in Africa having to describe Las Vegas to an indigenous tribesmen, you could do a lot worse than using this line from the movie, which may be its best line, “I have found the answer to the dreams of America … What do people always fantasize about? Sex, romance, money, adventure! I'm building a monument to all of them. I’m talking about a hotel, I'm talking about Las Vegas, Nevada. A place where gambling is allowed, where everything is allowed!”

If you don’t get goose bumps when the ending credits roll and you see how The Flamingo looks today and how much revenue it has generated, then you don’t deserve to go to Las Vegas. Although, after seeing this movie going into The Flamingo will never be the same and you’ll always be annoyed at the fact the only monument to Ben Siegel is a bar called, “Bugsy’s Bar”, and a small plaque located somewhere near a handicapped restroom and the keno room.

#3 – Vegas Vacation

This was by far the toughest movie to rank …

On one hand, the movie is titled Vegas Vacation so it should automatically get you in the mood to go to Vegas. On the other hand, everyone except for Clark Griswold bitches about going to Las Vegas.

On one hand, Nick Papageorgio from Yuma, Vegas’ experience is a classic Vegas tale complete with quotable lines and memorable scenes. On the other hand, Cousin Eddie is heavily involved in the plot.

On one hand, Audrey is ridiculously hot. On the other hand, the Hoover Dam scenes are more painful than overeating at The Excalibur buffet.

On one hand, you get to hear that catchy “Holiday Road” song in a scene with Billy Joel’s ex-wife. On the other hand, the deus ex machina ending features the Griswolds winning a game of keno.

On one hand, you get the hilarious sequence of alternate casino games such as Pick-A-Number, Heads Or Tails, Rock-Paper-Scissors, and Coin Toss. On the other hand, did I mention Cousin Eddie was in the movie? A lot.

On one hand, the movie takes place at The Mirage and Wayne Newton is a funny guy. On the other hand, the Siegfried and Roy scenes aren’t even accidentally entertaining and Clark’s gambling habits are only accidentally entertaining.

So I have no clue where all of that leaves us? Vegas Vacation is kinda like walking through Caesars’ Palace drunk at 3 a.m. – you are pretty sure in you’re in the right place, you are really confused if you are walking in the right direction, but at least you’re in Vegas.

#2 – Swingers

I debated whether a movie that is only in Vegas for about 20 minutes during the first act could qualify as the second best Vegas movie, and then I remembered two words that ended the debate: VEGAS, BABY! If you only had a half hour to get revved up about a Vegas trip, Swingers would be your Vince Lombardi. I mean, have you ever met one person who doesn’t love screaming Vegas, Baby! before or during a Vegas trip? Add in the infamous double-down scene, Mike and Trent debating how to get comp’d, Trent hitting-on Kristy the Cocktail Waitress, Mike bombing hitting-on an ugly restaurant waitress, then bombing hitting-on Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and the wonderfully painful “We’re not in Kansas anymore/ I’m a comedian” dialog, and then finally bombing at his chance to get laid by talking about his ex-girlfriend … Swingers is so money.

One of the little details I love about the Swingers-Vegas scenes is how Mike and Trent get invited back to Kristy the Cocktail Waitress’ place and it turns out she lives in a stainless-steel trailer! Classic. Stories like that is what makes Vegas great.

One of the little details I absolutely hate is after Mike gets killed on $100 blackjack table, they end up playing on a $5 table where an old lady inexplicably hits on 17 and gets a 4!?!? WTF?! Don’t encourage that annoying/stupid/frustrating/idiotic behavior by showing it in a freakin’ movie and rewarding the character with her winning her bet AND getting free breakfast!!!!!! Is that enough exclamation points? No. Here are a few more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jon Favreau should know better. On the other hand, this is the same guy who allegedly passed on writing the screenplay for Ocean’s 11 and starred in Something’s Gotta Give and Wimbledon, so maybe he doesn’t actually know better.

Anyway, on a warm and fuzzy note, how Trent stops making-out with Kristy the Cocktail Waitress to check on Mikey is what friendship and Vegas is all about.

#1 – Ocean’s 11

What do I think it’s going to take to explain why Ocean’s 11 is the number one Vegas movie? Well off the top of my head, I'd say I am looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever!

1. Accents

If singing aloud to “Mr. Brightside” is my favorite thing, quoting movies in foreign accents is in the top twenty. Imagine you are playing blackjack, the dealer is showing an ace, and you are down to your last bet and have a 16, you can use this pearl of wisdom from Basher, “We are in Barney … Barney Rubble … TROUBLE!”

Or, say you are in the same situation, you can break out some Lymon Zerga when the dealer asks you if you want insurance, “I don’t believe in weakness … I don’t believe in questions, either!”

2. Gambling Pointers

You can’t have three pairs! You can't have six cards! You can't have six cards in a five-card game!

Two words: All Red!

The house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.

(I hope I didn’t rush that last paragraph)

3. How To Order Drinks

I need a whiskey and a whiskey.

4. History Lessons

If you ever find yourself in The Bellagio or The Wynn art galleries, you can confidently turn to two tourists from Florida and tell them that Monet married his mistress and Maney had syphilis.

Also, Terry Benedicts’ line to Rusty, "If you should be picked-up buying a $100,000 sports car in Newport Beach, I'm going to be extremely disappointed," is in reference to the kidnapping of Steve Wynn's daughter. The kidnappers were caught trying to spend the ransom money in Newport Beach as they attempted to buy a very expensive car in cash. They were apprehended.

5. Ocean’s 11 Stay At The Bellagio

Casino takes places at the fictional Tangiers, which is based off of the Stardust, but filmed in The Riviera. The Riviera and the Stardust are like the Filet-o-Fish and Ruzna of Las Vegas.

Swingers takes place at the Stardust (one of the few mistakes the characters made – they passed-up Treasure Island {before it was TI} and Caesar’s Palace before settling on the Stardust)

Go takes place at The Rivera … fast-food fish sandwich anyone?

Honeymoon In Indecent Proposal takes place at Bally’s and the Las Vegas Hilton.

Thank God Terry Benedict didn’t own Casino Royale, Aladdin, and the Barbary Coast.

6. Gives Props To The Godfather

Casey Affleck and Scott Caan’s characters are named Virgil and Turk. In The Godfather, one of the bad guys is a fella named Virgil “The Turk” Sollozzo. Oh, and Scott Caan’s dad is none other than James Caan, who played Sonny.

7. Contains Actors From Vegas Vacation and Bugsy

Elliot Gould plays the colorful Rueben Tishkoff in Ocean’s 11 and the dim-witted Harry Greenberg in Bugsy. Jerry Weintraub plays Jilly from Philly in Vegas Vacation and the gambler who warns Saul/Lymon about getting in debt to Terry Benedict.

Since I have nothing else really to say, I’d like to add that both actors have really bad chest hair.

8. Gives Tips On How To Pick-Up Women In Vegas

If you look down, she knows you're lying, and up, she knows you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make her laugh. She's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left her hotel room. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances...

9. Gives You A Way To Measure Distance In Vegas

The line to get into Rum Jungle is longer than my … well, it’s long.

How far of a walk is it from The Forum Shops to my hotel room in Caesar’s? It’s longer than my … well, it’s long.

How long do I have to wait to get Toni Braxton tickets at The Flamingo? It’s shorter than me after I get out of a cold pool … well, it’s short.

10. Not The Typical Vegas Movie

From a pure-Vegas standpoint, this isn’t a typical Vegas film. Not a lot of gambling. Very little drinking. No one hooks up with a bridesmaid or bridesmaids. No zany or wacky adventures. Just 11 guys who decide to rob a casino because they are bored and the guy who owns the casino is a prick and is dating one of the guy’s ex-wife. But this movie wouldn’t work if Vegas wasn’t the backdrop. For proof of this, watch the second and third acts of Ocean’s 12.

You need all the cash that engulfs Vegas. You need the random celebrities, the over-the-top events (like the boxing match in the film). You need the billon dollar hotels towering over the characters. You need all the greed, glitz and glamour that only Las Vegas can produce. And all of those things are why Ocean’s 11 is the best Vegas movie, despite not having one character blow his life savings on the craps table.

Ten oughta do it, don't you think? You think we need one more? You think we need one more. All right, I’ll do one more.

11. Friendship

The spirit of Ocean’s 11 is what going to Vegas with your friends is all about Sure you’re probably not going to stay in the penthouse at The Bellagio, steal a “pinch”, rob three casinos, and violate your parole.

But, you are going to break your friends’ balls like Virgil and Turk do to each other. You are going to get mocked and offered unsolicited advice by a fellow gambler, like the way Saul/Lymon does. You are going to sincerely say “thanks” to your best friend like the way Danny does to Rusty after they talk about Tess. You are going to say “that’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen” while a dealer pays you after a successful double-down. And you are going to stand in front of the Bellagio fountains at one point during your trip and marvel at where you are and what you’ve accomplished. You are going to have the time of your life – whether you are with one friend or 11.