Review of: I Know Who Killed Me

Imagine A World Where (the synopsis) …

Aubrey (Lindsay Lohan) is a typical promising college student who dazzles her classmates with tales of mystery and suspense. She has a token sexually frustrated boyfriend, successful and still married parents, and has recently decided to give up the piano to focus on her writing, despite winning numerous musical awards in years past. Aubrey gets abducted by a local serial killer, manages to escape, but when she is found and awakes in the hospital, she claims she is not the Aubrey everyone says she is.

Noteworthy Moment From Before The Movie Started:

We were treated to a preview of the most recent installment of Resident Evil, cleverly title Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Per the preview, the fate of the world is supposedly going to be decided on the post-apocalyptic Las Vegas Strip – more specifically, in front of The Venetian.

I was traumatized. Still am.

I was not prepared to see The Strip in a destroyed condition. I would have been fine if all of this action took place in front of the Imperial Palace, but the producers should have left the rest of The Strip out of it. Watching this crappy movie’s characters fight it out at The Venetian, with The Mirage in background, and overhead shots of MGM Grand and New York/New York spliced in-between action scenes, was haunting. And not in a Silence of the Lambs, good way. Destroy Los Angeles as much as you want, but leave Las Vegas A-LONE!

Subjecting me to the Resident Evil: Apocalypse preview was like making one of the Kennedys watch the Zapruder film.

Pleasant Surprise:

Two actors from the 90s made unintentionally hilarious resurgent appearances in I Know Who Killed Me: Julia Ormond from Legends of the Fall, First Knight, and Sabrina. And Mr. Bigglesworth from the Austin Powers Trilogy. I couldn’t decide who has aged better.

In case you are wondering, there is no love triangle involving Julia – a first for her career. And in another career first, no one dies who is courting Julia, either. Congrats on the achievements!

Quote Of The Movie:

“People get cut, that’s life.”

- Jerrod Pointer, Aubrey’s boyfriend

(Good luck figuring out if he was talking literally or metaphorically.)

Nit-Picking:

You get beaten over the head with the color blue throughout the entire movie. I’m all for setting moods and using symbolism, but saturating the film with blue isn’t exactly like the red roses from American Beauty. Instead the movie looks like the Cookie Monster threw-up all over the reel and was the movie’s Set Designer and Lighting Director.

What I Learned:

When you have an artificial leg, don’t forget to plug it in at night before you go to sleep, that way it will be fully charged by morning. And when you have a bionic arm, be careful giving handshakes or handjo … keeping your sexually frustrated boyfriend at bay.

Originally I Know Who Killed Me was going to be called Please Don’t Drive Me Home Lindsay, You Smell Like Vodka. (Thank you! Thank you! You are a beautiful audience! I’ll be here all week!)

I bet you all can guess what the sequel to this movie would be called … I STILL Know Who Killed Me. (Thank you! Really, you are too kind. Don’t forget to tip your waitress!)

Cards on the Table Time (in conclusion):

I think the only people who could say they liked this movie would be MADD. And only during and after the torture scenes when Lindsay gets her hand and leg removed, thus rendering her unable to operate a vehicle or hold two drinks at once. The entire cast spent two weeks at the Geena Davis School of Acting hosted by Catherine Zeta-Jones. Everyone sucked in this movie. Even the non-speaking extras sucked. The special effects when they weren’t making you laugh because they are so cheesy, were making you squirm because they are so unnecessarily gross. And the story was about as well thought out as the Iraq war and as predictable as the Titanic hitting the iceberg in Titanic.

If someone would have told me after Mean Girls that Lindsay Lohan would be a stripper in an upcoming movie, I would have been on Youtube 24/7 trying to find bootlegged footage of the dailies. Tragically, Lindsay looked gross as a stripper. She wasn’t even mildly cute … of course it doesn’t help when your skin has redhead complexion and you dye your hair black and do so much coke you that look like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.

Anyone who says that sex sells should watch this movie not long after watching Showgirls and Striptease. One of my movie pet-peeves is when people say all Hollywood makes are movies that show violence and T&A. Hollywood makes movies that make money. And frankly, movies like this and all the other films that rely on purely on sex appeal and random violence, instead of story and strong characters, bomb worse Planet Hollywood: Tulsa.

Since I don’t want to be all negative, I’ll say that the premise was just good enough to be placed in the Gangs of the New York Memorial Wing of the Bad Movies Museum. Good idea, bad execution. I saw an entertaining preview for this movie a few weeks ago and said to my best friend Ryan, “I’d feel a lot better about that movie if Lindsay Lohan wasn’t in it.” And as Al Pacino said in The Devil’s Advocate, “it’s fun to be right.”