I remember when following sports used to mean the world to me. There was a time when I could tell you every major league manager, stadium and player on a baseball team. Yes, I was that nerdy. There was a time when all the polo shirts I owned had some sort of logo on them. I haven’t given a girl a hickey since New Kids on the Block were being called the next Beatles. And I rarely air guitar anymore. I guess I’m different now.
Besides not wearing bowling shirts anymore when I go out, concluding that Olive Garden isn’t authentic Italian dining and stopped buying hip-hop c.d.’s, I realize I have changed in other ways, too. I have lost the ability to small talk.
Unfortunately, Corporate America demands I speak in a clichéd filled, uninspired language, so I find myself as an outsider of sorts - like Michael Jackson at a day care center. I want to establish relationships with my co-workers. And I certainly don’t want to come across as pretentious or unapproachable. But I also can’t engage in conversations that have no meaning, no point, no reason or no sincerity. Unlike a lot of women, I can’t fake it.
We’ve all painfully suffered through elevator conversations like “are you working hard or hardly working?” And cringed as someone awkwardly reminded us that, “it’s only two more days till’ the weekend, buddy” <wink, wink>. Ugh! Who talks like that? Who taught you how to talk like that? Who can I blame? The media? Political correctness? Public education? Environmentalist? Labor unions? Greedy professional athletes? Illegal immigrants? The Evil Do’ers? C’mon, I need a smoking gun or a bad guy to blame. I bet every one of you knows someone who talks like that, too. Office Space is such a damn funny movie because it’s so disturbingly accurate. Yeeeaaah, I am going to have to ask you to stop telling me, “how quickly your weekend went by” and “how two days just isn’t long enough.”
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a remotely shy person and that I love witty dialog more than most people; but I refuse to take part in a conversation just for the sake of talking to someone in the elevator, or because I pass you on the way to the copy machine. I would rather smile and be silent, then talk about how unseasonably warm it is outside.
If someone wants to discuss how much Wes on Real World: Austin looks and sounds like Steve Zahn, then I’ll be happy to chew that over with them. Or if someone wants 
to tell me how they once dreamed of being a veterinarian in
North Dakota until a series of unfortunate events derailed their journey, I’m all ears. Or if you want to ask me why I get so defensive when someone says Kansas is flat; I’ll be happy to enlighten you … I’ll even use visual aids. But please stop telling me how Hump Day is more than just a day in the middle of the week, it’s an attitude. And by the off chance you actually want to discuss business, please don’t come to me with, “are you guys keeping busy over there?” The next person who does that to me will be gagged by my apple-shaped foam stress-ball.
Sometimes I think my co-workers view me as an elitist or snotty. The truth is I don’t want to know how bad your commute was or how if you hate the weather in Colorado to wait 5 minutes. I don’t want to talk about b.s. and pretend I’m interested. I want to talk about things people actually care about.
Tell me if you hate traveling 80% of the time while your kids are growing up. Don’t tell me how you are living out of a suitcase and follow-up that up with an obviously fake laugh.
If I ask you what you did this weekend, don’t say, “same-ole, same-ole … went too fast … could always use an extra day.” Tell me that you and your wife went out to dinner for the first time since your new daughter was born and that the sex afterwards was great (okay, maybe not that last part – especially with the people I work with … anyway).
If I ask you how things are going in Marketing, don’t say, “we keep on keeping on,” or “we’re slaving away.” Tell me about the new product launch or how you’ve been working tons of overtime because you are trying to get a head start on a project and impress the new manager.
See the difference?
If you tell me you went out with your wife, I can follow-up with a bunch of questions like, where did you go? Was it hard leaving the kid at home for the first time? When are you planning to go out again? Etc. Before we know it, I am actually getting to know you because we aren’t talking about the weather.
I spend 40+ hours a week with my co-workers - more time than I spend with my friends and family - is it too much to ask to see some genuine personality, individuality or creativity? I don’t need to be your best friend or attend weekly happy hours with you, but could you please show me the person behind the job title, behind the gray cubicle, behind the countless pointless emails?
Who knows? Maybe I am in the wrong. Maybe I should drink the red Kool-Aid, develop a believable fake laugh and start having hollow conversations. Maybe the only way I’ll ever become a vice-president will be to give up my distaste for clichés and buzzwords and start speaking in Corporate tongues.
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