Too Cool To Thank You

When I was a kid, I thought minding your p’s and q’s meant minding your “pleases” and “questions.” Since the context of the phrase was always in regards to etiquette, I concluded that the p had to stand for please. The q baffled me though. Minding your “pleases” and “thank yous” wouldn’t make sense since neither thank or you start with the letter q. My parents were always telling me to be seen and not heard, so minding my questions seemed like a very logical conclusion at the time.

Turns out, p and q stands for pints and quarts. Years ago back in England and Ireland, bartenders would keep a tab of how much alcohol their patrons consumed. When a patron got plowed, the bartender would tell the drunk person to mind their p’s and q’s as a way of encouraging them to monitor their buzz. The phrase was also a way to keep tabs on the tab, i.e. – how much money was owed to the bar at nights end.

(There is an alternate theory that in the early days of printing (before spell check), typesetting was done by physically choosing a letter and putting it in the type frame to be inked and printed. Since p and q look the same reversed, printers would confuse the letters, and the printing supervisor would tell their subordinates to mind their p’s and q’s as a way of insuring spelling accuracy. Since there isn’t a phrase for mind your b’s and d’s, I choose to not accept this theory … that and it’s not nearly as interesting as the bar/pub explanation.)

Anyway, on Friday, I went out to a bar with a group of people to celebrate my friend Amy’s new job. In the modern day sense of the phrase, I wish more people would mind their p’s and q’s.

At what point did it become un-cool to say “excuse me?” When making your way through a crowd, saying “excuse me” does not make you look like a pussy. Neither does saying “thank you” at the completion of successfully passing through the crowd. Also, angling your shoulders so someone can pass by you does not make you a wuss. Most social settings aren’t the OK Corral, so adjusting your body for someone to get by does not mean you just backed down at high-noon. Bumping shoulders with a total stranger trying to get to the bathroom or return to their friends, is not proving to the world that you are a bad-ass or too cool for common courtesy. You are not any less of a man, or woman, by being polite.

Here are a few other social actions that also don’t make you un-cool.

- Waiting for a drink when someone else has been waiting longer and/or is standing at the bar ahead of you.
- Saying please when you order a drink.
- Saying thank you when you receive that drink
- Apologizing for accidentally spilling your drink on someone.
- Apologizing for accidentally spilling someone else’s drink because your stupid drunk-butt was too busy staring at a girl’s ass (sorry, sounded a little bitter there).
- Saying excuse me when interrupting a conversation and/or walking though a group of people in the middle of a conversation.

I really don’t want to sound like one of those obnoxious guys on a soapbox who continually whines about “the way it was when … “ or how America is the worst place in the world because we have poor cell phone courtesy, but I can’t help but get frustrated by the lack of common decency and respect that I experience on a far too frequent basis.

(Dang it, despite my best efforts I still sound like an episode of the O’Reilly Factor)

Turn on practically any episode of any season of the Real World and you’ll watch seven strangers struggle to make it to work on time everyday. You’ll also see the one person in house who wants to be on time called “up-tight,” “anal,” “bossy,” “pushy” or “bitchy” or “ an asshole” (depending on gender) for asking the six other people to actually be punctual. What you won’t hear them argue is the fact that being on time isn’t dorky (being late was cool when trying to get to high school algebra), but rather is being respectful of other people's time.

Merge onto any highway and you’ll be sure to find the guy who believes letting you in is some sign of weakness on his part.

Cell phone users commonly speak very loudly in public when addressing such topics as: genital herpes, foot infections, bowel movements, Michael Jackson, underarm deodorants, their significant other deficiencies in the bedroom, political agendas and Kansas State University.

Don’t you hate coming home from a bar, restaurant or casino smelling like smoke? There is certainly an argument to be made for allowing smoking in public places (though I disagree), but do you really need to blow smoke right in other people’s faces? For God’s sake man, there are women and children around!!! Seriously, is it really that hard to mind where your smoke is blowing? I don’t mean to sound like the Surgeon General, but how would you like it if I was blowing B.O. in your face, while at the same time making you smell like my B.O. for the rest of day and destroying your lungs in the process? (And you wonder why people want to make it illegal to smoke in public places)

I certainly don’t want to come across as holier than thou (at least not on this issue), because I certainly have left my fair share of trash behind in a movie theatre, talked on my cell phone while going through the check out line at the grocery store and accidentally spilt a little bit of someone’s p’s and q’s while getting a little too excited dancing to Love Shack – but when did we decide that social indifference was cool and that an apathetic disregard for social niceties meant you were a tough guy? Just like Catherine Zeta-Jones’ popularity, I don’t get it? I am continually amazed how much a nice smile and sincere please or thank you can you get you nowadays - free hotel room upgrades, better seats, extra food, a larger discount, better service, etc. - so even from a selfish standpoint, why wouldn’t more people be courteous to one another? If you are so vain not to say “excuse me” when bumping into someone, wouldn’t your ego at least show the extrinsic perks that go along with common courtesy?

Last year a group of us went to Orlando to do the whole Disney/Epcot-thing. Our hotel was across a large street from a steakhouse that we decided to eat at one night. As we were crossing this 6-lane boulevard (not at the cross-walk, mind you), one of the members of our group, we’ll call her “Stacey,” decided that she would rebel and slowly walk across the street instead of lightly jogging like the rest of us were doing in order to avoid the oncoming traffic. Then, this conversation took place:

“Stacey” (in a snotty voice) – Why would you guys run? The cars have to slow down for you.

“Bill” – I don’t know, out of common decency maybe?

Later that night we found out that one of the cars that had to slow down for “Stacey” had an injured person in the backseat and because of the delay, that person lost their right leg. Okay, I made that last part up, but you never know. The point is that if “Stacey” had been driving, she would have annoyingly honked her horn at the pedestrian who was unnecessarily slowing her down, just as she would have angrily flipped off any car that would have honked at her for illegally crossing the street. “Stacey’s” actions and her all-to-common attitude is far more un-cool then running across a busy street or giving a thank-you wave to the person who just let you merge during rush hour traffic.

Next week on FOX News – A Fair & Balanced Look at How to Prevent Pre-Mature Elbow Wrinkling. Stay Tuned.