Viva Las Vegas

A few miscellaneous items before we get started:

- Evidently I ruined War of the Worlds for a few of my readers who haven’t seen the movie yet. Oops, sorry about that. So going forward, I am now going to put a disclaimer on all movie reviews stating that it contains spoilers.

- What the hell is a laundry list? One of my readers emailed me saying that I made an Excel laundry list for Vegas … who makes a list when doing laundry? If you did, wouldn’t it pretty much just say …

WASH: Lights and Darks
DRY: Those same lights and darks
IRON: Anything that might be wrinkled
DRY CLEAN: Anything that is marked, “dry clean only”

Yep, that’s a pretty tricky to-do list. I can definitely see why some people need to make a laundry list.

Anyway, today is going to be dedicated to Las Vegas. My trip is only 48 hours away, so the only moral and ethical thing to do is to write something in honor of the Greatest City in the History of Man.

To get you in the mood, here is an email excerpt from my best friend Ryan that he wrote last year before we went to Vegas for my brother’s bachelor party. I think Ryan (with a little help from Red from Shawshank Redemption) sums up a Vegas trip perfectly.

“I find I am so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man with a ticket to Vegas can feel. A free man with a ticket to Vegas at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can drink for 4 days straight without a liver transplant. I hope I can talk to a pit boss, and shake his hand. I hope the sounds of the slot machines are as enchanting as they have been in my dreams. I hope.

The real secret is that what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas. It becomes a part of you. A part of your friendships. A bond that brings you closer to the people with which you shared the experience … These things are far too valuable to be left behind. No, what happens in Vegas, stays in your heart, your being, your soul.”

That being said, here are the Top 10 Things I Am Looking Forward To In Vegas …

Honorable Mentions:

- In-n-Out Burgers

- Carrying Around $100 Bills

- All You Can Eat Buffets – Buffets in Vegas are really expensive these days ($20+), so you really need to be Kirstie Alley hungry to eat your moneys worth and to spend a looonnng time waiting in line.

- Watching the Bellagio Fountains as a Billy Joel Song Plays - They do a great job of picking songs, but I have yet to hear a song from the Piano Man. Wishful thinking (It’s also impossible to not think of that beautiful scene at the end of Ocean’s 11 when the entire crew is watching the fountains).

- Having a Perfect 10 Model Apply Suntan Lotion For Me – Again, wishful thinking. Or, I could apply her suntan lotion. Regardless, I want me, a Perfect 10 model and suntan lotion to be all in the same heterosexual sentence.

- Pool Side Drink Service & Charging Drinks to Your Room – I am usually nursing a wicked hangover at the pool, so sadly I don’t utilize this God-given service as much as others do.

- Being Tempted to Make Large Bets – My dream is to play a $100 hand of blackjack. I haven’t had the stones to do that … yet.

The Top 10:

10. Making Fun of Stupid Blackjack Players – There is something really entertaining about mocking someone who doesn’t have the balls to take a hit when the dealer is showing a face card or a 10, the player has a 16, and the player, not surprisingly, ends up losing the hand. Bonus points when the next card out is a 4 or a 5 ,and I end up getting their card and winning. It’s also highly amusing to laugh at those idiots who take insurance, take even-money on blackjacks and have to think really hard when deciding to double-down on an 11 (bonus points when you make fun of them so much to the point they feel obligated to double-down).

9. Eating Lunch at Mon Ami Gabi in Paris – What do you call a delicious French lunch on a hot summer day, overlooking the Bellagio fountains as scores of passer-bys walk by your Strip-side table on the patio of a beautiful Las Vegas casino? Well obviously you call it lunch at Mon Ami Gabi … what else would I be referring to?

One recommendation, if you have the choice between Mon Ami Gabi and Subway, please choose option #1 – you’ll thank me later. If you need additional information, please email my brother or father.

8. Being Ridiculously Drunk at Nine Fine Irishmen in New York/New York - Last time I was at Nine Fine Irishmen, I welcomed in the New Year by doing the Irish Jig next to a 60-year old woman who kept wanting to show her breasts to Ryan and his girlfriend, Bryn. The time before that, I spent the night hitting on every woman within four feet of me (regardless of appearance – and I have the pictures to prove it!) and taking free shots with a guy who wanted to buy us drinks because he thought he was getting laid later on that night. Good times.

7. Large Drinks in Unique Containers – Since I have been going to Vegas, I have consumed alcoholic beverages out of glasses shaped like: a cowboy boot, a football, a drink that was a yard long, an Eiffel Tower, a hot-air balloon, Lancelot’s sword in the stone, a skull, a parrot and a pyramid. One of the best parts of any Vegas trip is purchasing an obscenely huge drink filled with a frosted adult beverage, and then to walk the Strip (bonus points for when people stare at the size of your drink or ask you where you bought it).

6. Creating New Inside Jokes/Stories – Due to the people watching, alcohol, gambling, swimsuits, shady characters, sexual tension, money and the pure insanity which is Las Vegas, it’s impossible to leave Sin City without a healthy supply of new inside jokes and stories. From, “push, push in the bush,” to “hey look! It’s Caesar’s Palace,” to “I have a 7, a 5 and a 10 – that’s 21!” there is never a short supply of laughs.

5. Meeting New People – Unfortunately, they make you sign a confidentiality agreement at McCarron Airport and the 5th Amendment of the US Constitution prevents me from elaborating on this any further. Thank you.

4. Staying at the Wynn Resort – For those of you who may not know, the Wynn Resort is the new billion dollar mega-resort compliments of Bellagio, Mirage and Treasure Island creator, Steve Wynn. In terms of luxury, it’s supposed to rival Bellagio, Mandalay Bay and The Venetian – we’ll see if it lives up to its billing. They were kind enough to give us two nights at a very reasonable price, so we are happily giving Wynn a test drive.

We are also going to see how long it takes for the, “I won at Wynn”/“I lost at Wynn,” jokes to get old.

3. Pool-Side Blackjack – Speaking of the Wynn, one of their selling points was the appeal of pool-side blackjack. Doesn’t that just sound right? Anyway, there are two types of pool-related-blackjack, 1) swim-up blackjack 2) pool-side blackjack. How awesome does it sound to swim-up to a blackjack table and sit in the water while playing? Though a few things do concern me about swim-up blackjack, like: How do you keep your cash dry? Is it okay to get the chips wet? What if you accidentally splash the table? Where are the security cameras? Is it really a good idea to be giving people alcohol while sitting in the water, since alcohol tends to make people go to the bathroom? Sadly, the Wynn doesn’t offer swim-up blackjack; we get pool-side blackjack, which is where the tables are, well, poolside. Is it going to be awkward gambling in my swimsuit? Is it really a good idea to bring blackjack pool-side since historically the pool was one of the few safe-havens where you didn’t feel tempted to gamble? Will pool-side blackjack allow me to become the gambling-holic I always feared becoming? Will it be possible to do a cannonball into the pool and drench the annoying guy who kept taking the dealer’s bust card? Damn, so many questions.

2. Gambling With My Best Friend & Brother – This sentimental moment is brought to you by the Oxygen Channel - Teaching you how to love again, one tear at a time. I love strolling up to a blackjack table being flanked by my brother James and my best friend Ryan. Few things are as cool as gambling, drinking and laughing with two of the greatest guys in the world. It’s impossible to be mad, depressed or not have a good time with those two around. Just impossible. You have a better chance of seeing Jennifer Anniston watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith than not having an absolute blast hanging out with Ryan and James.

1. Sbarro Pizza – I cannot fully explain why this is number one, except to say:

Our Father, who art in Sbarro,

Hallowed be thy Name.

Thy Blackjack come.

Thy will be done,

On splits and doubling-down, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our 21s.

And forgive us for our jinxes,

As we forgive those who constantly jinx us.

And lead us not into splitting 10s,

But deliver us from busting.

For Sbarro and Las Vegas is the kingdom,

and the power, and the glory,

for ever and ever.

Vegas, baby. Amen.