Wynn-ing and Losing in Vegas

Well, we made it back. We still have fully functional and, as far as we know, healthy livers. We don’t owe any money to bookies and/or gangsters. And no one in the group got married. So all-n-all it was another successful Vegas trip.

Let me give you the ups and downs, the thins and flushes, the good and the bad of Vegas, by answering some of the most common questions I have been asked …

“Did you win?”

Remember those scenes early in Shawshank Redemption where Andy is consistently being beaten-up and taking it up the rear-end by The Sisters – in the laundry, in the prison theatre, in backrooms, and no matter where he went or what he did, Andy got his ass kicked … and that went on for a few years. Well, that was me for most of the trip - at the Wynn, at The Mirage, heck even at the $5 dollar tables at the Frontier; I was being whipped by a merciless group of dealers who treated me like their bitch. I was never up at any point on the trip and the most I was ever up at one table sitting was a pathetic $65. Sadly, I wasn’t able to provide sound financial advice to a Pit Boss or Casino Host, which could have turned around my fortune at the prison, er, at the casino … but they did provide me with a free bucket of ice cold beer on the roof of the hotel.

Did my losses ruin the trip or put me in an irreversible bad mood? Absolutely not! We still had a blast despite my inability to mount any type of a comeback or get on anything resembling a roll (reminds me of high school). I guess I can take pride in my generous donations to the Wynn so they can pay off that billion dollar debt.

Ryan, on the other hand, provided us with the greatest gambling moment to date.

“The Strategy” is when a player doubles his bet every time he loses a hand of blackjack. So, if you lose one $10 hand, on your next hand you bet $20, then if you lose again you bet $40, and then if you lose again you bet $80, so on and so forth. You keep doubling your bet until you win a hand (recouping all your losses), and then the sequence starts all over. What prevents most players from using this strategy is that you need a large cash flow to be able to handle a long losing streak, a table with a high maximum bet limit (at least $10,000), and the balls to make an $800 or $2,300 bet for one hand of blackjack. Ryan decided on our second day to try “The Strategy” at the Wynn.

For the first few minutes, Ryan and I were both treading water, winning some hands losing a few others. Suddenly, we both hit a long using streak mixed in with a couple of frustrating pushes on 19 and 20. Ryan, using “The Strategy,” kept taking money out of his pocket in an attempt to win back his losses. After losing 6+ hands in a row (I won’t say exactly how many), Ryan had a ridiculously large bet on the table. I won’t get into specific dollar amounts, but I could easily say that it was more than a lot of people’s mortgage payments. Lets just say that it was the first time Ryan got to touch lavender colored chips and the extremely rare and elusive red, white and blue chips. So the next hand comes … Ryan loses. He has to double his bet … again. By this time, a small crowd of people have gathered behind the table, the guy playing with us volunteers to stop playing, the Pit Boss has come over to watch, and Ryan has to keep counting his chips and money because his hands are shaking so much due to the adrenaline rush (trust me, you can’t blame him – I was playing next to him and my heart was racing and my hands were sweating profusely). At this point, it makes no logical sense for Ryan to stop, plus he can only lose 2 more hands before he is out of cash and down an obscene amount of money. Ryan’s first card. A king. Ryan’s second card. An ace! BLACKJACK! A blackjack that paid 3:2 (your bet x’s 1.5). The “yes!” that came out of Ryan’s mouth at that moment made him sound possessed, like Signorney Weaver in Ghostbusters before she turns into a dog. You should have seen the colorful and impressive pile of chips that lay in front of Ryan after the dealer got done paying him and the Pit Boss stopped crying. Ryan left the table victorious (and with a lot of money), to a round of applause and the firm handshakes and envy of total strangers. It was quite a moment. After Ryan bought himself a new pair of underwear and stopped shaking, he walked a little taller for the rest of the trip.

“Did you discover any new drinks that were named after a popular 80’s TV show?”

What do you get when you mix strawberry daiquiri and pina colada together? A Miami Vice! Awesome frozen beverage! I highly recommend anyone reading to try one. You won’t regret it – great poolside drink. Though I have no idea why it is called a Miami Vice?

For any guys out there, when a Miami Vice gets mixed together or melts a little bit, it turns pink. Don’t be intimidated. It takes a special kind of man to drink a pink beverage with confidence – so believe in yourself, the drink is worth it.

Also, if you were ordering two drinks, would you say two Miami’s Vice or two Miami Vices? Ryan and I went back and forth on this and never reached a definitive consensus.

“Did you run into anyone who may or may not have committed a rape in Eagle, Colorado?”

Yes, twice actually. Kobe Bryant was playing in a celebrity poker tournament at The Mirage and he and his entourage walked right pass us at the pool. Sadly, I had my head buried in a Miami Vice at the time and was unable to get out any Eagle jokes while he was still within earshot. We later encountered Kobe at the poker tournament which really isn’t the proper venue to reminisce about Colorado.

“Did you have any other random celebrity sightings?”

Sure did. Brad Garret from “Everyone Whines on Raymond” and Jermaine O’Neal from the Indiana Pacers (and maybe Drew Gooden from KU, but I was really drunk at the time and couldn’t tell 100%). In case you don’t know who Jermaine O’Neal is, he was one of the Pacers punching fans during the melee in Detroit last season. I tried to convince James or Ryan to throw a water bottle at him, but unfortunately neither one of them had the guts to do it.

On Sunday morning, as Ryan and I were moving hotels from The Mirage to the Wynn, we got into a cab that was being driven by Rita Scott from HBO’s Taxicab Confessions! That’s right, the actual blonde lady. She was very sweet and personable, and tolerated all of our excitement and three dozen questions. Definitely one of the highlights of the trip.

PS – We didn’t confess anything. (I know you were wondering)

“How was it staying at the Wynn?”

I told Ryan on Monday that given a billon or so dollars, I bet him and I could come up with some really cool stuff to put into a Vegas hotel/casino. Unfortunately, Ryan’s blackjack didn’t come when he bet 500 million (he would have had to have lost 27 hands in a row for that to happen), so until that day comes we have to leave the casino building to Steve Wynn.

The rooms at Wynn were spectacular – highlighted by the breathtaking floor-to-ceiling panoramic windows. Though the beds were full-size, not queen size, the down pillows and comforter made up for the lack of space. The two flat screen TVs were nice little perks, as were the free slippers and robes, chocolates on the nightstand and the nightly turndown service.

The elevators were on the obnoxious side due to a lack of ventilation and air conditioning, and the alarm-clock-like squawking the elevator made every time you passed a floor. Very annoying.

Pool-side blackjack was everything I hoped and dreamed it would be. It’s nice to sit outside “near” the pool – and is a welcome change from the smoky casinos. Though when the temperature is 100°+, I bet swim-up blackjack is a much cooler and relaxing way to go than pool-side blackjack. Not to mention the additional benefit of being able to dunk the player next to you who won’t stop playing with his chips.

A few other things about the Wynn:

- They need to work on the service. We had a couple of service issues, ranging from needing a plunger in the room – which took two hours and four phone calls to obtain, to having some very unfriendly dealers, to having to get a front desk manager to get a room with two beds, to having to ask everyone who worked in the casino whether they can give you a cashiers check instead of having to carry home cash on the airplane. When you are paying for luxury, you expect the service to be world-class; which unfortunately only happened when we were waiting in line to check-in and when we were leaving and needed a quick cab ride to the airport so we didn’t miss our flight.

- The main entrance is surprisingly very unspectacular - and maybe that was the point. But when you spend a billion or so, and you have already built The Mirage (with a volcano in front), Treasure Island (with a pirate battle out front) and Bellagio (with the incredible and beautiful fountains), the standard and expectations are pretty high. Granted, Wynn does have a nice mountain landscape and some picturesque waterfalls, but it’s aesthetically mediocre compared to his previous casinos, and other new venues like The Venetian and Paris.
- No complaints with the pool. Wynn has two pools – one, very large and long, family pool and a second, smaller pool, that doesn’t allow children, and offers European-style bathing, club music and is closer to the bar and pool-side blackjack. The second/adult pool is a great mix of socializing, sun, topless women, young people, alcohol, good music, floating platforms that allow you to lay down/nap in the water and an attentive waitstaff. Next to the room, the pool was the best part about Wynn.

Despite Wynn’s shortcomings – and being a new hotel/casino, they still have some kinks to work out - we would definitely stay there again.

“What the wildest thing you did?”

Besides paying $15 for a Red Bull and Jager at the Bellagio; I would have to say it was seeing Celine Dion at Caesar’s Palace. As God is my witness, her show gets better and better every time I see it. The $400 for front row seats was a small price to pay for the outpouring of love and emotion that she angelically sings into my heart during all those moving and adoring ballads. No one gives me more goosebumps and hour-long smiles than the immortal Celine Dion. I was singing the “Power of Love” all trip long. (Cuz, I’m your lady and you are my man!!!)

Juuuusssst kidding. (I hope that song gets stuck in your head, by the way)

You know damn well I can’t tell you what the wildest thing was!

“Did you visit Sbarro?”

Indeed we did. And during this trip, Sbarro taught me humility. Sbarro showed me that it works in mysterious ways. And I know that me not winning during this trip was Sbarro’s will, and part of a larger plan that I don’t and can’t possibly understand right now. But I do know that if I put my heart and my trust in Sbarro, it will never, ever let me down. Amen.

“Now that your trip is over will you please stop writing about Vegas and give us something different to read?”

Definitely. I am looking forward to moving on to other subjects and I really appreciate your patience during this onslaught of Vegas material.

Have a great weekend! New, non-Vegas related postings coming next week!

Peace out.