You're Unpredictable

SPOLIER SOPRANO’S ALERT:

The most common quote I’ve head since The Soprano’s came back is, “it’s not like Tony is going to die.” And the dozens of fans who have said that to me over the last two weeks are probably right; I highly doubt Tony is going to die anytime this season.

These Tony’s-not-gonna-die comments while bordering on fun-extinguishing, do bring up an interesting philosophical story-telling point though that I think a lot of people miss: Unpredictability alone is not what makes movies (or TV shows) suspenseful or good. It is the way the story is told that makes them suspenseful or good.

We all knew the Titanic was going to sink. No big surprise or plot twist there. We knew that ship was going down when we saw the movie title, long before we ever bought our tickets and saw the movie. But when the ship was sinking at a 90 degree angle, and the passengers were sliding down the boat deck hitting everything in sight along the way or falling off the ship and smacking the propellers, those were some pretty tense moments. Not to mention the drama in seeing all the people freeze to death in icy water. Aside from the actual sinking, who didn’t know Jack was going to die at the end? If you are raising your hand right now, I bet you are a big Colin Farrell fan.

I knew how Apollo 13 ended before I took one bite of popcorn. William Wallace’s capture and execution in Braveheart certainly didn’t come as a shock. Although I thought it was a terrible movie, didn’t everybody in the world know how The Passion of the Christ was going to conclude? Whose jaw hit the floor when Harry ended up with Sally? Or that somehow, despite all odds, Tom Hanks was going to meet Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle. In Miracle, did you honestly expect the US hockey team to lose to the Russians? And in American Beauty, Lester reveals his pending death in the first 30 second of the film.

Good movies (and shows like The Soprano’s) have such solid stories, great acting and are so well done that certain parts of plot predictability are almost irrelevant. American Beauty is such a splendid film, that despite the audience’s knowledge of Lester’s upcoming death, we are taken on such wonderful journey and the story is so incredible, that Lester’s murder takes a backseat to the events leading up to his death. Just the opposite, in the first season of The Soprano’s, Tony survives a botched whacking. I doubt many people believed that the main character was going to die 10 episodes into their first season; but Tony’s response to the attempted assassination created suspense, tension and other types of unpredictability. This years shooting is doing the same thing in The Soprano’s. Sure Tony probably won’t die, but that doesn’t mean how Carmella, Meadow and Anthony Jr., handle it won’t be gripping, or who steps up to run the “family” during Tony’s absence won’t be unpredictable.

Don’t get me wrong, I love unpredictable plots like in The Godfather, The Usual Suspects and Matchstick Men, but I enjoy movies like Garden State and Ocean’s 11 just as much; even though their conclusion were somewhat predictable. How a story is told, where the story takes us and how we get there, are far more important aspects of a movie than being able to guess that the astronauts will make it home safely, that the bad guy will be killed by the good guy, or that the couple will fall in love.

I would bet that Bradley will win the NCAA tournament before I’d bet that Tony is going to die this season; but that doesn’t mean I will not love every second of the predictable yet amazing journey that will hopefully be Tony’s recovery.

Big Coincidence or Small Coincidence

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I don’t want to turn this blog into the Las Vegas Travel Journal with a side of Jayhawk; but it’s March Madness so you are just going to have to put up with another Jayhawk post …

Last year, an extremely talented Kansas team – filled with Roy Williams recruits – headed into the NCAA Tournament as a #3 seed and a favorite to win the championship. Gifted, experienced (2 Final Fours and an Elite 8 appearance to their credit) and led by seniors, the only thing Kansas and their fans had to worry about was whether Roy Williams’ Tarheels would win all of their tournament games to eventually set-up the game of the century.

Unfortunately, Bill Self was never able to convince his talented, but Roy Williams loyal, seniors to totally buy into his coaching system. Injuries, bad breaks (the phantom Texas Tech traveling call on Aaron Miles, for example), and too many close games had worn the team down mentally and physically. Watching Kansas last season, it was easy to see that they were winning games on talent alone, not having fun, and disaster was looming.

I remember telling my old boss as I left work to watch Kansas in the first round of the tournament last year that, “I don’t feel real good about this game.” And I didn’t. I felt like one of those NASA engineers who had a bad feeling about the damage to the Space Shuttle Columbia; but chose to ignore their feelings, convincing themselves that they were just being paranoid, that the data they were interpreting was faulty, and if there was a real problem - someone else would have spoken up by then.

As a result: Bucknell – 64, Kansas – 63

This year, a team of confident and wildly athletic sophomores and freshmen have led the Jayhawks to a Big 12 regular season championship, a Big 12 tournament championship, a #12 ranking in the polls, and a #4 seed in the tournament – and exceeding everyone’s expectations in the process. This team laughs, they have fun, they’re cocky, they’re loyal to Bill Self, and I would argue, better than last years team.

BUT …

They play freakin’ Bradley in the first round of the tournament! Call me crazy, but Bradley is eerily too close to Bucknell for comfort… Check out these coincidences:

- Both schools are BUs.
- Bradley – 2 syllables, Bucknell – 2 syllables
- Bradley – 7 letters, Bucknell – 8 letters
- Bradley’s mascot – the Braves, Bucknell’s mascot – the Bison. Both Bs.
- People have no clue where either school is located (Bucknell is in Pennsylvania and Bradley is in Peoria, Illinois)
- Both traditionally suck at basketball and consider it a great season just to make it to the tournament.
- AND, I’m watching the Bradley game at the same sports bar I watched the Bucknell game

So what does all of that mean in the grand scheme of things? Heck if I know? I do know that I originally I was going to write about all the coincidences between Bucknell and Bradley, and that I felt indifferent towards Bradley and slightly nervous about the game -- until one of their writers wrote an article making fun of KU, the Jayhawk and the Rock Chalk.

F*ck Bradley. Time to take the gloves off.

So now, not only do I want KU to avenge last years first round loss by beating Bradley, I want them to beat the sh*t out of Bradley. I want KU to play the role of Alton on the Gauntlet II, and Bradley will be everyone else. I want Bradley to get so sick of hearing the Rock Chalk chant that it gets stuck in their head for their entire plane ride back to Midway Airport and that they find themselves humming it aloud as they wait for their baggage. I want Julian Wright to dunk on a Bradley player so badly that CBS uses the slam dunk as promotional material for next years tournament. I want the blowout to be so painful that Christian Moody not only enters the game, but even sinks a few free throws. I want Bradley’s coach in a post-game press conference with ESPN to say, “They killed us like Sonny at the tollbooth. They even kicked our ass in the pre-game warm-ups. It will take a very talented team to beat Kansas. We haven’t been beaten like that all year – if ever. I hope we never have to play the Jayhawks again.” I want Bradley fans to frustratingly yell at the TV, “PLAY DEFENSE! … WHY CAN’T KANSAS MISS? … WHY DOES KANSAS KEEP STEALING THE BALL? … WHY CAN’T WE RECRUIT PLAYERS LIKE THAT? … WHAT IS THAT FU*KING CHANT I’VE BEEN HEARING FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES?” And finally, as Warden Norton so proudly exclaimed, I want Bradley to “Vanish! Like a fart in the wind” from this years tournament - compliments of the Kansas Jayhawks.

You gotta love March Madness!

Good luck, Jayhawks. Rock Chalk Jayhawk!

Welcome to the Las Vegas Travel Journal

I’m officially changing the name of this blog from The Whole Year Inn to the Las Vegas Travel Journal. That’s right, I’m going to Vegas again (this time for my 30th birthday).

I freakin’ sound like Forrest Gump going to the White House and meeting the president. But instead of saying, “I got to go the White House again … and meet the President of the United States again,” I get to say things like “I lost $200 on a blackjack table and got drunk off of a drink shaped like a cowboy boot at 10:30 in the morning again … and I got to grind with Paris Hilton at The Palms again.”

So, in honor of traveling and vacations ….

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Overrated - The Mile High Club

Nothing says passion like having sex in a cramped public restroom, er, lavatory, while 200 of your fellow passengers know exactly why you and your significant-other decided to randomly go to the bathroom together in the middle of the flight.

I’m not lazy. I have ambitions in the forbidden/adventurous sex genre, but I’ve never been particularly motivated or tempted to “wave my wheat” at 35,000 feet, in a tiny room with creepy blue water and a stainless steel toilet. I understand some of my complaints are all part of the appeal in obtaining membership in the Mile High Club, but it still seems overrated to me - something that sounds totally cool in conversations with your friends and in your imagination, but ultimately very disappointing in reality … kinda like most games of truth or dare.

If anyone out there has any experience, or knows anyone who is in the Mile High Club, I’d love to hear some stories and perhaps they might change my mind. But until then, having sex in an airplane lavatory sounds just as exotic as having sex in a Greyhound bus bathroom or a New Jersey Transit train bathroom. Ick.

Economic Theory of the Week:

Can anyone imagine making travel reservations nowadays without the Internet? I know we used to, but how in the world did people make hotel reservations or plane reservations without spending seven and half hours on the phone or having to visit a travel agent? How in the heck did people even get all the right phone numbers to call? If I had to make Vegas reservations without the Internet, how would I round-up all the different numbers to all the different hotels?

Anyway, I think the reason the airline industry is going bankrupt is because they can’t screw the consumer anymore. The airlines can blame 9/11 and fuel prices and bad management all they want, but I think the real reason they are losing money is because we passengers are more educated. Before the Internet, it was a monumental pain in the ass to call United and Delta and Continental, to obtain prices and flight times over the phone. Now we can simply visit their Web sites or travel Web sites (like Travelocity), and quickly compare all the airlines’ offerings and even receive emails when prices go down. The days of some customer service representative telling us that the $300 flight from Denver to Vegas is the “best they can do”, when changing departure times, staying or leaving early, or checking a competitor’s airline, could easily result in getting a flight for $158 round trip - are over and done. Airlines can’t take advantage of the colossal hassle it was to keep calling back every airline to constantly check flight times and prices. Ten years ago, we believed the major airlines when they said their exorbitant price were the best; mostly because it was difficult to prove them wrong. Now when United says that to us, all we have to do is check Continental’s Web site, look at Expedia, and scan what smaller airlines, like Frontier, JetBlue or Southwest, are offering, to see if United’s deal is actually superior. We have all become intelligent consumers; no longer can the airlines stick-it-to-us because of our lack of time and information, and subsequently overcharge us. Instead, it’s easy, convenient and efficient to find the best deal and the lowest price; and I think that is part of the reason airlines have lost money since the Internet become prominent.

On behalf of all air-travelers, thank you Al Gore.

Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing of the Week:

“This is way too funny! You just put on your gay ass blog that you have a Huge Forehead! This is Killing me! Good job Retard!”

-- Uncle Rico

Thanks for that intelligent contribution to the discussion.

Uncle Rico, I hope you and Tom Izzo enjoy your next fishing trip to Brokeback Mountain together. Who knows, maybe Coach Izzo will catch a fish without a “true fishing pole.”

By the way, Kansas has four national championships – 1988, 1952, 1923 and 1922 (Though in fairness, the 22’ and 23’ championships were awarded prior to the tournament being in place – but count nonetheless).

Michigan State has two – 2000 and 1979.

Quote of the Week:

“Do you want that coconut? Do I want that coconut? Basically, I want that *ucking coconut!”
-- Derrick, on Gauntlet II – Real World/Road Rules Challenge

The Tracy Flick Moral and Ethical Question of the Week:

Is it wrong to lie about the number of people staying in a hotel room, thus lowering the price?

(What I don’t get is; if Ryan and I pay $100 per night for a hotel room that has two beds, why should the charge go up based on having two more people in the room? Aren’t we receiving the same services from the hotel room regardless of the occupancy? Why does an extra person cost $35 more? What does that $35 pay for? I understand enforcing a limit on the amount of people in a room – so you don’t end up with 20 college kids stuffed into one room – but if the room has 2 queen beds, the room price should be inclusive up to four people (two per bed). If the suite has three beds, the room rate should be good up to six people, etc. It seems excessive to charge more money when the room is designed to handle that many people in the first place.

One more thing, hotels often say “kids stay free.” How are kids sleeping in a hotel room any less expensive than adult; especially since adults tend to be cleaner and less likely to spill stuff on carpets and comforters?)

The Day of the Week: Sunday

Rock Chalk, Jayhawks! Led by three freshmen, two sophomores and a senior who has already graduated and who has the nickname JHawk; the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the cocky and rapidly becoming annoying Texas Longhorns to win the Big 12 tournament. Not only did the Jayhawks avenge the 25 points loss to Texas two weeks ago. Not only did the Jayhawks shut-up the trash talking Longhorn cheerleaders. Not only did the Jayhawks turn Texas center Brad Buckman a disturbingly light shade of pink. But they also earned a #4 seed (though they should have been a #3 seed) in the NCAA tournament, showed that Bill Self deserves consideration for National Coach of the Year, showed that Texas cries like the bulimic chick from the Real World: Key West after every call that doesn’t go their way, and that Kansas is the best team in the Big 12.

And just like Kansas showed Oklahoma State, Nebraska and Texas who the best is; after a two year layoff, The Soprano’s showed CSI, The West Wing and every other show on TV, that they are still king. I won’t spoil the first episode for anyone, but as Ryan so eloquently put it, “Waiting for the next episode will be harder than waiting the last two years.” After The Soprano’s, HBO debuted Big Love – a story about a polygamous family starring Bill Paxton. Maybe because I was still in shock-n-awe about The Soprano’s, but going from a mafia show based in New Jersey, to a show about a Mormon family in Utah was a rough transition. It was like driving 75 miles an hour in third gear – it didn’t feel right. I think what the show needs is more shots of Bill Paxton in his tighty-whities, or even better, more shots of him in his tighty-whities after he has taken his Viagra. Or as Ryan so eloquently put it, “I didn’t think you could make having three wives look un-cool, but Bill Paxton has done it.”

Defending the Phog

"If you read my comment it stated that Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well. The 2000 Championship Team that you brought up had Cleaves, who was a true point guard. Anyhow, if your HUGE forehead can grasp this (can a forehead be any larger-GOSH!), all I am saying is the Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo. Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"

-- Anonymous, er, Uncle Rico

You gotta love Anonymous! If you need any help locating a time machine on the Internet, please let me know. In the meantime, I decided to put my huge brain, that is incased in my huge forehead, to use and evaluate Uncle Rico’s comments …

Here we go.

“The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like (Tom) Izzo (Michigan State's Head Coach).”

Let’s see if this is true by looking at the last five years …

2001
Kansas loses to Illinois – who is coached by current Kansas coach, Bill Self – in the Sweet Sixteen.

Michigan State loses to Arizona in the Final Four.

Advantage: Michigan State

2002
Kansas loses to eventual champion, Maryland, in the Final Four. The Jayhawks reach the Final Four with arguably one of their best players, Wayne Simien, injured and unavailable to play.

Michigan State loses in the first round of the tournament, presumably without a true point guard. Regardless, thanks for showing up, Spartans!

Advantage: Kansas

2003
Kansas loses to Syracuse in the championship game.

Michigan State loses in the Elite 8 to Texas, again without a true point guard. Of course, Kansas reaches the championship game with future NBA first round draft pick Wayne Simien injured and unable to play. Kansas also loses legendary head coach to Roy Williams two weeks later; who is replaced by Bill Self.

Advantage: Kansas

2004
Kansas in the Elite 8, loses to national champion runner-up Georgia Tech. Coach Self does this with Roy Williams' recruits and after losing 2 star players (Hinrich and Collison) to the NBA.

Michigan State again loses in the first round of the tournament – I don’t think they even had a false point guard on the team. Yikes.

Advantage: Kansas

2005
Kansas loses the Bucknell debacle in the first round of the tournament. I am not even going to try to defend that game. Ugh. I just threw-up in my mouth.

Michigan State loses to North Carolina and Roy William in the Final Four.

Advantage: Michigan State

Okay, since 2001:

Both Kansas and Michigan State have two Final Four appearances and 0 National Championships. Michigan State has lost in the first round twice, Kansas once. Both have made it the Elite 8 and lost one time. So since 2001, Kansas has performed slightly better in the tournament than Michigan State … but Michigan State won the national championship in 2000, so we’ll call it a tie, despite the fact Kansas has more tournament wins since 2001.

However, Uncle Rico’s comments were about coaching, not wins and losses. So lets look at the coaching difference. Of course Kansas has had two coaches during this time, Roy William and Bill Self, while Michigan State has only been coached by Tom Izzo.

2001 – Izzo wins over both Self and Williams. Self beats Williams in the Sweet Sixteen, but loses in the Elite 8. Izzo reaches the Final Four.

Advantage: Izzo and Michigan State

2002 – Williams guides the Jayhawks to the Final Four while Izzo loses in the first round. Ouch.

Advantage: Williams and Kansas

2003 – Williams again leads the Jayhawks to the Final Four, losing in the championship game. Izzo loses in the Elite 8 to Texas (a team KU previously defeated).

Advantage: Williams and Kansas

2004 – Under new coach Bill Self, Kansas reaches the Elite 8; while Izzo and Michigan State again lose in the first round.

Advantage: Self and Kansas

2005 – Self is embarrassed by Bucknell, Izzo leads the Spartans to the Final Four but loses to ex-KU coach Roy Williams.

Advantage: Roy Williams

So, if the assertion is Kansas needs better coaching in March, the last five years don’t support that claim considering Kansas coaches (Self and Williams) have outperformed Tom Izzo in every year except 2001.

If we consider 2000, the year Michigan State won the championship, and 2005 (because MSU did better than KU but not better than UNC) then the teams at the least would be even in terms of performance.

Uncle Rico’s quote was, “The Jayhawks would have a better run in March if they had a coach like Izzo.” Well not true, at least if you consider history and statistics relevant and important; since Jayhawk coaches have had consistently better runs than Tom Izzo since 2001.

“Izzo took MSU to the Final Four without a true point guard (this was in 2005). He took them to the Elite Eight in 2003 without a true point guard as well.”

Okay, but Roy Williams took the Jayhawks to back-to-back Final Fours without All-American Wayne Simien being able to play due to injury. So while the Spartans were missing a “true” point guard, the Jayhawks were missing an NBA first round draft pick. Both big losses.

I think both coaches did a great job and are impressive and equal accomplishments.

However, Coach Self has had the difficult task of taking over the Kansas program from a legendary coach and without his own recruits. Not exactly the easiest coaching situations to step into; considering how many other coaches have failed miserably when succeeding a legend.

“Hopefully Kansas does not have to face a powerhouse like Bucknell again!"

Michigan State has recently lost twice in the first round, in 02’and 04’. See a pattern developing? It’s 06’! Time for another first round exit for the Spartans. That is, if they even make the NCAA tournament this year. (Notice Uncle Rico didn’t mention this year’s team in his comments)

It’s pretty smug to criticize the Jayhawks for losing in the first round, when Michigan State has done the exact same thing twice as many times over the last six years.

A couple extra thoughts:

- The last time the Jayhawks and Bill Self played Michigan State in the 03-04 season, the Jayhawks won.

- Coach Self was just named Big 12 Coach of the Year. I don’t think Tom Izzo will be winning the award in the Big 10 this year.



Now, if you’ll excuse me I am going to shop for hats that fit properly.

A Straight Man’s Strange Erotic Journey to Brokeback Mountain

"We have fun in our hotel rooms. We go from room to room messing with each other at 12 or 1 in the morning. Last night I ran from room to room getting in pillow fights with the guys”

-- Jayhawk Brandon Rush, explaining why KU is such a good road team.

I apologize for such a delay in writing, but I’ve been in Torino, Italy competing in the 200-meter Coughing and Phlegm competition, the highly competitive Most Hours Slept Due to Ny-Quil Freestyle competition, and I set the modern day world record for the most times blowing one’s nose in the middle of the night.

Now, before I get to Brokeback Mountain, I want to address my Anonymous friend who can’t seem to spell Jayhawk correctly and who also thinks the Jayhawks suck this year.

(I highly recommend you reading his comments on the post)

First – Jayhawk is one word! Spelled exactly like I’ve typed it 1,467 times previously. It’s not JayHawk, Jay Hawk, JHawk, Jaihawq, or any other derivation. It’s hard for me to grasp your point when you can’t spell the subject of your comment correctly. You don’t spell Spartan: SPARtan, Spar Tan, Sp-art-an, do you?

Second – I’ve figured who Anonymous is … it’s none other than Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. Wanna know how I solved the mystery? Anonymous kept droning on in his comments about the past - just like Uncle Rico wished it was still 1982 so he could lead his high school football team to the state championship. Anonymous wishes it was still 2000 or 1979 so he could make comments like, “Yeah, Michigan State won it all without a true point guard … and we made three-pointers shooting over those mountains over there … and the entire Michigan State team shoulda turned pro … and we beat everyone by like 150 points … I wish I had a time machine.”

Come join us in the present, Uncle Rico. Which speaking of …

Third – Kansas is #22 (#18 in the AP poll) in the country with a 21-7 record. Michigan State is #23 (#25 in the AP poll) with a 20-9 record. Michigan State is 8-7 in the Big 10 and sitting in forth place. Kansas is 12-3 in the Big 12 and tied for first place. It’s difficult to assert that Kansas sucks this year when the team you support, Michigan State, has a worst overall and conference record … unless you think Michigan State sucks, too.

Forth – And just because you got me thinking about the past, Uncle Rico. Kansas has more NCAA championships, more NCAA tournament appearances and more NCAA tournament wins than Michigan State.

Now that we have that settled, lets get back to Brokeback Mountain …(don’t think I ever want to say that phrase again)

Inspired by Brandon Rush’s comment, I decided it was time for me to see Brokeback Mountain. After hearing all the jokes, watching all the parodies and vowing to never watch that movie on HBO, alone, with my roommate Ryan on a Friday night- I had to see what all the rage was about.

Here is what took place …

- I am joined by my roommate Ryan, and our friend Calley. Or, what I affectionately called her the entire evening, “our heterosexual insurance policy.” Prior to the movie, Calley signed a binding legal contract agreeing to make-out with either one of us in the event of an emergency.

- I want to know if there is a straight guy out there who could say the following phrase with a straight face – “One student for Brokeback Mountain, please.” If there is, quit your job; the poker world needs you right now.

- What looks worst: Me sitting next to Ryan in the theatre - or me, Ryan and Calley playing musical chairs in theatre as we figure out the “best” seating arrangement?

- A few other questions to ponder: Does it mean anything that originally Calley and I were going to go see Brokeback Mountain by ourselves; and I invited Ryan to come along? What about the fact we ate sushi prior to the movie? Why did I choose to wear my “I lie to girls” t-shirt on this evening? Why is Ryan drinking a bright red fruity drink out of a straw right now?

- During the coming attractions, we see a preview for the Crying Game 2, a Nathan Lane film, and a Cher concert. Just kidding. But it was interesting that the previews featured two English movies and two independent films. Evidently the marketing folks concluded it’s a bunch of Britons and film geeks who go to see Brokeback Mountain.

- As the opening credits role, Ryan rhetorically (and jokingly) asks, “Why do I have an erection already.” I immediately turn to Calley and ask her is she realizes the contract she signed could be enforced by a court of law and I could seek damages if she doesn’t follow through on the make-out clause.

- Just an interesting little factoid for everyone, the tagline for Brokeback Mountain is, “Love is a force of nature.”

Okay.

- Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal; both who are coming off of Oscar-caliber performances. For Jake, it was The Day After Tomorrow. For Heath, it was The Brothers Grimm. With resumes like that, it’s amazing they were able to fit Brokeback into their busy schedule.

- Ten minutes into the movie, we’ve already heard the following quotes:

“Skinny asses.”
“You have to sleep with the sheep.”
“Pitch a tent in five minutes.”
“He got all over my ass.”

Yep, we’re off to a good start.

- About a half hour into the film, we notice there is a family in the theatre with their preschool-aged kids. Nice work, parents - Brokeback is definitely fun for the entire family! I guess Deathblow and Rochelle, Rochelle were sold out. I hope these parents aren’t surprised when their kids dress up like cowboys for Halloween this year.

- Jake Gyllenhaal’s character’s name is Jack Twist … I wonder if that name is a foreshadow? I’d tell you what Heath Ledger’s character’s name is, but frankly I can’t understand 2 out of every 5 words he says … I think it’s something Del Mar. But the good news is he doesn’t sound Australian and hasn’t started singing “Can’t take my eyes off of you” to Jack Twist in a high school stadium yet.

- Did you know Jake Gyllenhaal stared in City Slickers as a child actor? Judging by the looks he and Heath are exchanging right now, he’s about to find out what that “one thing” is that Jack Palance kept referring to.

- You know how a lot of times in movies when characters fall in love; their first time having sex is a highly choreographed encounter, with perfect lighting, light kisses, sensual music, slow motion movements and wandering hands? Well, I guess that rule doesn’t apply for gay-Cowboy-sex.

Let me throw out some words and phrases that describe that first sex scene: sudden, violent, awkward, uncomfortable, shocking, spit-filled, makes me never want to go camping ever again.

Also, I’m pretty sure everyone in theatre shifted in their seats, avoided eye contact, and didn’t make a sound or take a breath until it was over. It reminded me of seeing Fear in college; during the infamous rollercoaster scene between Reese and Mark Wahlberg. Every guy in theatre was so turned-on that they became paralyzed. Same thing just happened here – though I doubt anyone is turned-on. I hope.

- Trust me, nothing makes you feel more absolved about watching a movie like Brokeback Mountain than seeing Michelle Williams (from Dawson’s Creek) and Anne Hathaway (from the Princess’ Diaries) breasts!

More popcorn anyone?

- On page 4 of the Cheating Handbook it reads: “Do not make-out in front of the apartment building of where you live, when the person you are cheating on is inside and can easily see you.”

I bet that never happened between Dawson and Pacey.

- DTR’ing (defining the relationship) is a funny-enough thing as it is. Multiply the humor by 100 when it’s two gay cowboys, who are pretending to be straight, who are played by Health Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, doing it at a Wyoming campsite.

- According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene. Yikes guys, take it easy, it’s only a movie.

- Best line of the film, “This is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation.” Try using that one at work tomorrow.

- Finally, at the climax of the film, Del Mar confronts Jack Twist and reads him the following poem:

I hate the way you talk to me,

And the way you ride your horse.

I hate the way you rope the sheep,

I hate it when you’re coarse.

I hate your big dumb ass

And the way you kiss my neck.

I hate that loving you is so much of a crime,

That it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you spoon me in the tent,

I hate it when you lie to your wife.

And the way you hold me by the fire,

Even worse when our time expires.

I hate fishing without you,

And the fact that were not married

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

Not even close…

Not even a little bit…
Not even barely.

Okay, lets fast-forward and get to the review of the film …

All joking aside about the subject matter, I was hoping for more and left the theatre disappointed. I compare this film to Boys Don’t Cry (the Hilary Swank film when she pretends to be a guy). Both films take place in the Midwest, both films include intolerant views about non-traditional love and relationships, both have violent endings, both achieved critical success and nominated for numerous awards, and both feature breast shots that somewhat redeem the film. But both films lack a true emotional impact besides the taboo love. If you take away the forbidden love aspect of both films, you aren’t left with much character development or plot. The filmmakers of Brokeback skip over and hurry through potentially awesome scenes (like the confrontation between Michelle Williams and Health Ledger when she finds out about his big secret) just to get us to an unsatisfying ending that is contrived to trigger a mountain’s worth of emotion. Unfortunately, I wasn’t particularly rooting for Jack Twist and Del Mar to end up together because besides the rushed first act (when they rapidly show a bond between the two cowboys), Brokeback doesn’t do a good job of showing us why they should be together; except for the fact it’s a forbidden relationship.

Just so I’m not all doom n’ gloom, here are a couple of good things about the film:

- The musical score of the film is solid and will provide laughs later-on because it’s easy to remember and to hum to your friends.

- Health Ledger’s performance is the best in the film. It’s pretty amazing his last two films are Brokeback and Cassanova … that’s some range.

- The movie wasn’t preachy or overtly political.

- Dennis Quaid’s short performance is entertaining. It’s still fun watching Cousin Eddie from the Vacation films try to do serious roles. Quaid hasn’t been this convincing since Independence Day.

- It’s an original story and isn’t a remake of some 60s or 70s TV show or another movie that was already done poorly 20 years ago.

Anyway, back to the review …

Both Anne Hathaway’s and Michelle William’s characters seemed to have been wasted; despite having tremendous potential to show the pain and the consequences of having their husbands carry-on dishonest bisexual relationships, while trying to raise their families at the same time. I wanted to see how conflicted Heath and Jake were, despite their occasional arguments while fishing. I wanted to see the struggle of being married to a woman while being in love with a man, even though they both claim not to be gay. I wanted to see how all of this affected their kids (barely addressed in the film). I wanted an ending that held Heath and Jake accountable for their life choices.

To a lesser extent, this movie suffers from Passion of the Christ syndrome. It’s not enough to just have an interesting or controversial subject matter, like Jesus’ crucifixion. To be considered a “great” movie; you still need character development, you need strong supporting roles, you need effective pacing of the scenes (a huge problem in Brokeback), you need a solid plot with an effective ending. You can’t skip over those things, throw together a series of “edgy” scenes (like Jesus’ passion, Sharon Stone showing her … um … ya know, or Hilary Swank taping her breast so they can’t be seen) and then call the movie great.

Super Bowl XL Awards

Best Super Bowl Quote:

“Any animal that can climb a rock wall without opposable thumbs; we probably shouldn’t kill.”

- Ryan, commenting on mountain goat hunting laws during a commercial break.

Best Example of George W. Bush Logic:

Hours before the Super Bowl, the Kansas Jayhawks defeated the #18 ranked Oklahoma Sooners, coming back from a 16 point second half deficit, in the best game of the season so far (about 1,000 times more exciting than the Super Bowl, too).

When the new rankings were released on Monday, were the Jayhawks ranked ahead of Oklahoma? No. Were the Jayhawks even ranked? Nope. Oklahoma is currently ranked #20, and the Colorado Buffalose are ranked #25. Yet Kansas has defeated both of those teams, has a better conference record, and are ahead of both of them in the Big 12 standings.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Best Politically Incorrect Joke:

Before the Super Bowl, the NFL honored the memory of Rosa Parks – which spawned the following remark:

Do you think they buried Rosa Parks in the front or the back of the cemetery?

Most Obvious and Slightly Coincidental Observation:

Aretha Franklin singing the national anthem for Super Bowl XL.

Most Simultaneously Asked Question in 90 Million Households:

Why the hell doesn’t Aaron Neville get that mole removed from his face?

Best Motivational Super Bowl Technique:

Steelers coach Bill Cohwer convincing running back Jerome Bettis there was an all-you-can buffet located in the back of each end zone.

Best Commercial Example of The Golden Rule:

In the FedEx caveman commercial, after getting fired a frustrated caveman place-kicks an innocent dinosaur as he stomps away from his cave. Seconds later, the caveman is crushed by the giant foot of a Karmasourous.

Quick aside - Anyone else notice that cavemen seem to be the focus of a lot of commercials lately?

Best Commercial That Almost Triggered a Group Hug and Inspired Random Acts of Kindness:

That darned Budweiser commercial with the horses helping push the cart for the younger horse. Holy cow was that a moving commercial (pun intended).

When that commercial ended, I immediately wanted to join the Peace Corp or Greenpeace or give money to a charitable organization or something like that. Instead I had a Budweiser … but for a few minutes I really wanted to do something more with my life.

Best Attempt at Fun Extinguishing the Super Bowl:

My friend and Denver Seminary professor Dr. Doug Groothuis, calling on the readers of his blog to boycott the Super Bowl.

I think anytime you can boycott an event that brings families and friends together; for an afternoon of bonding, conversation and good food, while watching one of America’s pastimes - you have to do it.

I mean why should we, as a society, participate in something ridiculous like that?

Company I Gained the Most Respect for Because of their Commercials:

Ameriquest Mortgage’s and their “Don’t Judge too Quickly” commercials.

(Just to refresh your memory; their first commercial had a guy lying in a hospital and the doctor’s discussing killing a fly, when a family member walks-in thinking the doctors are discussing the patient. And the other one had a lady climbing over a seat in an airplane, getting her blouse snagged on something, turbulence, and the rest of the plane assuming she’s messing around with one of the passengers.)

Too many mortgage and investment commercials show gray-haired men fishing in the wilderness, or retired couples sitting on swings on their porches, or someone working in their garage fixing something, or families walking down a beach together. It’s refreshing to see a company show they have a personality and a sense of humor about home mortgages.

Best Politician’s Name that is Going to Illicit the Most Inappropriate Jokes in US History:

New United States House of Representatives, Majority Leader: John Boehner.

It’s going to be really hard to not to make long jokes about his pulsating personality, firm stances on huge issues, and to erect a statue in his honor.

(Ooooohhhh, evidently it’s not pronounced like it’s spelled – Dang it! Never mind)

Most Palpable Sign the Super Bowl Was Really, Really Boring and I Had Nothing Interesting to Say About the Game Itself:

Read my previous joke about John Boehner.

On a related note, how hilarious is it that in the late 80s/early 90s we had a major TV character on one of the most popular family sitcoms in America, named: Boner!

Did this bother anyone? Did anyone call for any boycotts of Growing Pains? Were mothers disturbed by their daughters swooning over a character whose best friend’s nickname was a slang term for an erect penis? Can you imagine turning on Seventh Heaven and having a regular character nicknamed “Hard Cock”?

The Further Proof That Childbirth Isn’t a Miracle Award:

Thanks to our environmentally conscience friends at Hummer, we learned that the Hummer is the result of a love-child between some sort of hairy Godzilla that needs to shave, and a giant robot. Pretty gross. Mark this as reason #642 I won’t ever buy a Hummer.

On the plus side, we also learned that the hairy Godzilla can use the new Gillette Fusion, and all of its 19 blades and 24 lubricating strips, to shave itself. What a wonderful image that is. Frankly I’m surprised we didn’t see that in any cross-promotional spots. Maybe next year.

The Memorial Men’s Capri Bad Idea Award:

2-for1 Shampoo and Body Wash.

Call me picky, call me finicky, call me a metrosexual; but I want specialized soap. I don’t want one thing that can wash the hair on my head, my butt, my feet and everything else. Clearly different parts of my body have different needs, and I have a hard time believing one type of cleaning solution can adequately address all of those needs.

I don’t care if the soap comes from Mr. Clean, the Arm and Hammer guy, the Head n’ Shoulders guy, Mrs. Butterworth, and a Hummer; all having sex – and the result is some sort of super-soap that cleans my hair, my body, and I can brush my teeth with – I want shampoo, body wash and toothpaste all to be separate.

13 Reasons the Kansas Jayhawks Don't Suck This Year

“My step-dad said Kansas sucks this year.”

- Lindsay, to me on Sunday.

“Kansas kinda sucks this year.”

- Ryan (KU fan and honorary Jayhawk), to me on Monday.

“WHAT THE *UCK!?!?!?”

- Me, to myself after Ryan and Lindsay said those things.


Two “Kansas sucks this year” comments on consecutive days? What are the odds? But they got me to thinking: Have I lost total objectivity? Does Kansas actually suck this year and I’ve been totally blind to it; wasting away in a pool of denial and defiance?

Or, are Ryan and Lindsay’s step-dad just so used to Jayhawk domination, that when a “good” or “average” or even “slightly above average” team takes the floor, they translate that into sucking?

Yep, that’s gotta be it.

So I came up with:

13 Reasons the Kansas Jayhawks Don’t Suck This Year


1. For all the numbers and stats people in the crowd (and to prove it’s not just my Rock Chalk bias writing this article), here are some hard facts about KU.

- #1 in the entire nation in field goal defense.

- Winners of 11 out of their last 13 games – including wins over Kentucky, Texas Tech and Nebraska; and road wins against Colorado, Iowa State and Texas Tech.

- 5-2 in the Big 12 Conference which is good enough for 2nd place, trailing only a top 10 team, Texas, by one game.

- #1 in Big 12 conference play in scoring. #1 in Big 12 conference play in defense (in terms of shooting percentage).

- 14-6 overall record with 10 regular season games to play.
(Considering you usually need 20 wins to reach the NCAA tournament, Kansas needs to only win 6 out of their last 10 to qualify)

2. Winner of the “Mush from A Bronx Tale” Award, Christian Moody, is no longer starting.

Christian Moody somehow morphed from a charming, former walk-on who made solid contributions in terms of points, rebounding, defense and leadership; into a guy where no lead is too safe.

During Saturday’s win against Iowa State, every time Coach Self inserted Moooooodddddyyy, the Cyclones would immediately go on an 8-0 run. And that happened at least three times. He’s like the anti-shamrock. I still can’t even joke about the Missouri game, or wonder why he was even out on the court in the first place during crunch time, or wonder why Kansas fans think its so damn funny and encouraging to applaud him every time he makes a free throw now.

Luckily, Coach Self has realized that the blank stare on Christian’s face isn’t just an act, and has severely cut down on his minutes. During the Texas Tech game, I was actually worried that somehow Christian would find a way to get dunked on, throw a pass into the crowd, give-up a 30 point lead, and then miss a couple of crucial free throws – but he defied the Vegas odds and didn’t.

On the plus side, Moody is a former walk-on (you have to say that when discussing him), is an academic All-Big 12 player, and will be a doctor someday.

3. The Jayhawk team that played Syracuse for the National Championship in 01’-02’was 15-5 after 20 games – and that was a dominant team. As I stated before, the current team is 14-6 – only a one game difference.

4. The year before Roy Williams left KU for UNC, North Carolina had a record of 8-20. Now that’s sucking!

It’s fair to compare UNC to Kansas in that they are both storied programs, with a long history of success, and have similar year-to-year expectations.

That Carolina team was just as young and talented as the current Kansas team (4 current NBA players were on that Carolina team), but sucked so bad they didn’t make the NCAA tournament, didn’t even make the NIT tournament, and became the subject of countless “Carolina Blew” jokes. Many pundits and fans thought this would be Kansas’ fate this year. Instead, Kansas should make the NCAA tournament, will finish with double, maybe even triple, the wins of that similar Carolina team, and also probably has 4 future NBA players on the roster.

5. Bucknell isn’t on their schedule and the odds of them playing again in this year’s NCAA tournament are pretty low.

Can’t stress enough how important this is.

6. If KU beats Oklahoma on Sunday, they should be ranked in the top 25 for the first time all season.

Teams that suck generally don’t get better as the season goes along, which Kansas clearly is – their record and statistics undoubtedly show the vast improvement from the beginning of the year, and even the beginning of Big 12 play, until now.

7. The kick-in-the-balls losses to Missouri and Kansas State were good things.

Last years team won close games by relying on experience and talent. This year’s team, while in many ways is just as talented, doesn’t have that valuable experience. Blowing leads to both of their rivals taught the young Jayhawks a valuable lesson on how not to finish games. Since those two losses, Kansas has been dominant. If Kansas continues to improve, the Missouri game will probably have been the wake-up call/turning point moment of the entire season.

I remember when I first started dating in high school, I thought it was a good move to be overly emotional and call my girlfriends all the time to ask them if they were mad at me. After getting dumped a few times for being a total sap, I realized that probably wasn’t the best strategy. That was the KState and Missou games to the Jayhawks. Lesson learned.

8. Sasha Kaun looks disturbingly a lot like Ethan Embry.

How can a team that has a 6-11 Russian center that looks like the Rusty from Vegas Vacation, suck? They can’t. It’s impossible.

9. Winner of the Obvious Nickname Award – “Super” Mario Chalmers, has turned into super shooting guard.

In Mario’s first game against Arizona, he had 0 points, 213 turnovers, got schooled 12 times, poster-ized 3 times, and fouled out. Okay, I’m exaggerating – but it was rough.

In the Iowa State game, against one of the best guard combos in the Big 12, Mario was 6-for-9 from the field, 3-for-5 in three pointers, 6-for-9 from the free throw line, 6 steals, and 21 points. Yikes. By himself, Mario can change a game defenseively, and his offensive skills are underrated and improving by the minute. In fact, during the time it has taken you to read this far, Mario has already gotten better. That’s how good he is.

He can also collect gold coins by hitting his head on bricks, can jump really far and slide down a flag pole, and when he is big, can shoot fireballs at his enemies.

10. Stephen Vinson is this year’s recipient of the “Jerod Haase Award” – As the Jayhawk having the most consistent groupie/cheerleader/sorority girl $ex after every game.

Anytime your back-up, back-up point guard is getting laid that much, he keeps the whole team focused, loose and inspired. Nothing, I mean NOTHING, that happens on the court during a game is going to rattle him - he takes it all in stride; believe me - he has other things on his mind.

Check out his picture, look how he happy he is!

11. Three Jayhawk players have songs correlated to their names.

Russell Robinson: Mrs. Robinson
(Do-Do-Do-Do-Do … And here’s to you Mr. Robinson, heaven has a place for guards that play.. yay, yay, yay …yay, yay, yay)

Sasha Kaun: Chaka Kahn
(Sasha Kaun – Sasha Kaun)

Darnell Jackson: Jackson, by Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash
(We’ve been talking about Jackson, ever since the fire went out. I’m going to Jackson, gonna mess around. Look out Jackson town)

12. Russell Robinson (who wears #3, by the way), Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers could be the best all-around guard trio in the country.

Robinson and Chalmers are two of the best defenders in the history of the world. They absolutely killed Iowa State’s guards last Saturday - and they were considered two of the best in the land. I’ll take Robinson and Chalmers defensive skills and match them up with anyone in the country.

Offensively, no one can cover Brandon Rush. If you stop his drives, he shoots three pointers and long jumpers over you. If you take those away, he dunks on your centers and power forwards, and ends up on SportsCenter. The only problem with Brandon’s game has been his lack of assertiveness. But now that Coach Self has convinced him he can’t be stopped, Rush has been one of the best players in the country – just ask Bobby Knight and Texas Tech.

Look at what the three Kansas guards average per game:

Rush – 18.0 points
Chalmers – 14.6 points
Robinson – 13.3 point

If Kansas even gets an average contribution from their inside players (Kaun, Wright, Jackson, Giles and Moody), between Rush, Robinson and Chalmer’s offense and defense, it’s very tough to beat KU.

Teams that suck don’t have 2 freshmen and a sophomore that have their skills, average those numbers, and have the wins that Kansas has. They just don’t.

13. Kansas’ defense will keep them in almost every game.

Kansas hasn’t been blown out once this year. In their victories, they average a margin of victory of 20+ points. In their losses, they have lost by an average margin of 4 points (which means they’ve been in every game and every game was winnable).

Kansas hasn’t been dominated by a team yet this year, and now that the freshmen understand how to finish games, they will likely win some of those games they lost earlier in the year. And even if the offense isn’t producing 80+ points a game (which it is averaging in the Big 12 right now), their #1 ranked defense will ensure they are always within striking distance and always give the Jayhawks a chance to win.

So, In conclusion …

Is this year’s team a dominant Kansas team? They have been at times, but generally not.

Are they are very good team? Not yet. Only finishing the Big 12 strong, a good showing in the Big 12 tournament, and a NCAA appearance, will guarantee that.

Are they an above average to good time – even by Kansas standards? Yes!

Do they suck?

Absolutely not!

Thumbs Up!

Quote of the Week:

“It's a fun atmosphere. It feels like it's at least one half KU and one half Colorado fans."

- Christian Moody, University of Kansas, forward/center, giving out some props to the rowdy, loud, and sprited Jayhawk faithful after Kansas defeated the Buffalose in Boulder last week.

CU, which averages a flacid 3,000 fans per game, only sells out one game per year, the Kansas game, and we showed-up 5,000 strong to make the Coors Event Center - Allen Fieldhouse: West. I’m proud of all you fellow Jayhawks fans!
Buffalose fans should be embarrassed to have their home court turned into a homecourt advantage for the VISITING TEAM!

Movie/TV Show of the Week:

Father of the Bride and Father of the Bride II

Unlike too many men, I have no problem openly admitting I enjoy chick flicks. Now I am not talking about films like Under the Tuscan Sun, that Traveling Ya-Ya Sisterhood Pants movie, or Kate and Leopold; I’m talking about good movies that happen to be chick flicks like. Love Actually or Notting Hill.

So the other night after watching an episode of The Soprano’s, HBO showed Father of the Bride I and II, back-to-back.

(For the record, I did not spend 4+ hours watching a Father of the Bride marathon.)

Anyway, from the parts I did catch, I can officially say - and say with confidence - that the relationship George (Steve Martin’s character) has with his daughter Annie (Kimberly Williams) is very, very uncomfortable. From the way he longingly gazes at her, to his possessiveness, to his random jealous temper tantrums, to his constant pouting, to his long-winded incestus monologues – I got so seriously creeped out by Steve Martin that I couldn’t even enjoy the movies. Steve Martin was like an insecure 10th grader trying to figure out if the girl he has a crush on likes him. And that basketball scene in Father of the Bride between him and his daughter, is like watching one of your uncles hit on your attractive, college-aged cousin during Thanksgiving dinner, while the rest of the family tries their best not to make eye contact.

I’m not a parent, so I am left wondering: Do dads really feel this way about their daughters? If so, I really, really want a son.

Besides that, Martin Short, and the plot in the sequel, I thought the movies were really great.

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Underrated: Thumbs

(Now everyone collectively pull your head out of the gutter – thank you)

Thumbs are the key to every good massage and few too many people realize this – especially you women. I will concede that I am not the national champion when it comes to massages, but I am in the Sweet Sixteen. So let me offer a few suggestions when it comes to thumbs and massages:

1) Thumbs are the strongest of your fingers, use them to your advantage.

2) You are not going to break us and probably not going hurt us either, so use as much thumb strength as possible.

3) Us men have big, strong muscles and it takes a little bit more than a caress to loosen them up and remove knots. So when giving us a massage, don’t pretend you are petting your cat as you watch Sex in the City, pretend that you are trying to level out stiff cookie dough … or something like that.

4) Don’t get overzealous with your thumbs and accidentally pinch us or apply the Vulcan Neck Grip. Ouch.

5) Don’t focus and rub just our neck and shoulders. Our biceps, lower back, mid-back, upper-butt-region and head need attention, too – show them that you care.

6) I repeat, the thumb is the key to a good massage. If you don’t use it effectively, your massage will suck. No exceptions!

Unanswered Question of the Week:

Are you suppose to tip the people at Sonic who bring the food to your car?

Metaphorical Kick in the Balls of the Week:

The Kansas Jayhawks blowing late second half leads to both the Kansas State Wildcats and the Missouri Tigers within a three day period.

Song of the Week:

“Believe” by Cher

Before you start wondering about my musical sanity, let me say I saw a commercial early in the morning advertising the Greatest Hits of the 90s, or something like that, and the c.d. included the song “Believe.” I wasn’t listening to a Cher c.d. by choice – really I wasn’t. I promise. I wasn’t.

For those of you who don’t know the tune I am referring to (I mean, how could you not?), it’s the Cher song that goes:

Do you belieeeeeeve in life after love?

The next part is tricky though, she either sings:

I can feel something inside myself – I really don’t think it’s strong enough…

OR

I can feel something inside me say(ing) – I really don’t think it’s strong enough…

It’d be easy to Google the lyrics and find out the truth, but I don’t want to know what the answer is. I remember being drunk in college and hearing that song, and debating the lyrics with my old buddies. And recently, while in Vegas, Ryan and I deliberated what she was saying while enjoying a meal at Olives in The Bellagio. I guess just like the Kennedy assassination, some questions are best left unanswered.

What the hell am I talking about? I can’t believe I just wrote that last paragraph. I really hope this conversation hasn’t caused you to have a total loss of respect for me, musically or otherwise. Okay, I am going to listen “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant” by Billy Joel, to go feel better about myself.

Relationship/Dating Thought of the Week:

I’m continually asked by my family and friends the status of my dating life. Fair enough. I know a third of them are asking because they care about me, a third of them are asking because they are itching for additional family members; be-it in the form of a: sister-in-law, a grandchild, or other, and the other third are still trying to conclude whether or not I am gay.

But there is this weird, yet strangely enjoyable, dating purgatory that exists between girlfriend status and friendship status. It’s that period of time when you have gone on more than a handful of dates, the other person has met most of your friends, there has been ample physical interaction, you can genuinely relax when you are at their place, you tell some of your edgier stories and past relationship experiences, and you start honestly showcasing your “real” personality.

Now it is easy for other single people in my age group to understand the philosophies, geography, and characteristics that accompany Dante’s Divine Dating Purgatory because they’ve all recently been there; but trying to explain this limbo-land to a married person or someone in their 40’s, is like trying to explain the appeal of Napoleon Dynamite. So I have to put into terms they’ll understand.

You can’t say you’re “dating” the person because dating implies commitment – which, good or bad, you don’t have yet. Saying your “seeing” the person sounds impersonal and outdated. I suppose you can say you’re “hanging out” or “spending time together”, but that sounds like code for watching Brokeback Mountain with your best guy friend. So what do you say that can be understood by all, yet keep you out of an unintentional DTR (defining the relationship)? Usually I settle on the “we’re getting to know each other” tag. Safe. Simple. Open-ended. Vague. But if anyone else out there has any good dating titles/adjectives that have historically worked for them – I’d love to hear it.

Something New Debut

Like Lindsay Lohan at a Hollywood party, I am going to try something new. In order to keep me on a consistent writing schedule and to continue polishing my writing skills, every week I am going to “award/answer” 7 things-of-week. For example: Quote of the Week, Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week, etc. I will still write about other topics, but once a week I will attempt to hit on these predetermined themes.

Hopefully this will go over well and everyone will enjoy it.

I do ask though that if you can think of any funny or interesting topics for me write about, like, “Annoying Public Figure of the Week” or “Sports Cliché of the Week” or “Burnt-out Celebrity of the Week,” please let me know and I’ll add it to my list.

Quote of the Week:

“I just had a periodontal orgasm.”

- Ryan, after removing a large piece of movie theater popcorn from his teeth while we were watching Syriana

Movie/TV Show of the Week:

Syriana

If you are looking for a Traffic-wannabe, with a confusing and unclear plot, too many similar characters, undeveloped and wandering subplots, vague dialog, with no emotional impact, and an all-star cast, then Syriana is definitely a movie you’d enjoy.

Underrated/Overrated Thing of the Week:

Underrated – New Years Eve Celebrations

Much to my chagrin, there is a strange anti-New Years Eve/New Years Eve celebration backlash circulating around the country. Recently, Sports Illustrated Peter King had this to say about New Years Eve partying:

“New Year's Eve is so far overrated it's dangerous. Very dangerous. Does America really need another reason to get totally lit?”

A few days later, my friend Beth emailed me the following New Years sentiments:

“New year’s is one of the most over-rated holidays. At least with Valentine’s Day, it started out celebrating the life of an actual saint. New year’s is just designed to fool people into believing that they’ve gotten a fresh start, a whole new year to forget the disappointments of the old and start anew, but really, they have that chance to have a better life every single day that they wake up.”

New Years is one of my favorite holidays – and not because it usually involves getting drunk. From a practical standpoint: I love counting down with champaign in hand, I love screaming “Happy New Year!”, followed by hugging my friends and family (occasionally kissing someone), then hugging and congratulating total strangers, and singing “Auld Lang Syne." In a time when everyone is quick to be overly critical of life, fun extinguish, and be excessively politically correct, I think it’s refreshing to have a holiday where you hug and say “Happy New Year!” to total strangers, and where you get thousands of people to congregate and celebrate a new year together; regardless of their religious views, economic status, area of the country, age, etc. New Years is one of the few holidays that brings the entire world together (how many other events do that?) – and that should be embraced, not criticized - even if the celebration may include excessive alcohol and finding someone to kiss at midnight.

From a philosophical standpoint, New Years can be symbolic of a fresh start. My friend Beth is correct in saying that every day of the year offers the same opportunity for a new beginning as New Years does. But just like celebrating your birthday is not actually celebrating your age (we are all 9 months older than our birthday), it does represent a milestone in our lives. It allows us to reflect on the past year, and gives us the vision to see how we might make the coming year better. Symbols are important to a lot of people – whether it’s a wedding ring, a college mascot, or even a tattoo. For many, New Years is symbolic of hope; and a time for self-improvement, renewing life goals, and acting on procrastinated dreams. And like Andy Dufresne once said, “hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things.”

I guess I don’t understand why people are so down on New Years.

Or maybe it’s because I spent the last two in Las Vegas – I don’t know …

(And to call New Years “very dangerous” is part of the problem with the world and the media today. Stop over-exaggerating and sensationalizing – has anyone ever said to themselves, “Good God, New Years Eve is very dangerous – I need to go to Iraq just to get out of harms way.”

Not everything is bad, evil, wrong, immoral, and worthy of a 60 Minutes or Dateline special. Quit sucking the life out of life! Please.

It’s also pretty smug of a guy who covers professional football for a living to call into question how often Americans drink – tailgating, the Super Bowl, anyone?)

Unanswered Question of the Week:

Why do we call Southern France the South of France? We don’t say the South of Chicago or the South of America.

Song of the Week:

“Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues

I still don’t know how to feel about the soap opera theme music at the beginning of the song, or understand the Walt Disney World-like monologue/music at the end, but the slow, deliberate pacing of the song, and the melancholy lyrics in the verses, are dang near perfect - despite its 7:00+ minute running time. Not to mention it’s really easy get this stuck in your head:

’cause I love you!
Yes, I love you!
Oooooooooooooooooh, how, I love you!!!

(In doing some research, evidently the song is a tale of a yearning, tortous, unrequited love from afar. Oh.

And the Disney-like diatribe at the end of the song is actually a spoken poem called, “Late Lament” which was written by Moody Blues drummer Graeme Edge (nice name) and read by keyboardist Mike Pinder.)

Food Item of the Week:

I attended a wedding on Saturday where the groom was a typical country-western fella, and the bride was Hispanic. At the reception, the first part of the buffet contained fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy. The second half of the table was filled with Mexican food.

Freakin’ hilarious.

Relationship/Dating Thought of the Week:

Call me old fashion, but I still embrace most chivalrous gestures. I enjoy paying for dates; someday I will ask my girlfriend’s parents for permission to marry and when the time comes, I will drop to one knee to propose; and if I am on a sinking ship, I have no problem with the whole “women and children first” thing.

However, what I won’t support is opening the car door for my date. It’s not because I am selfish or macho or a chauvinist, it’s because nowadays it doesn’t make any logical sense to do that. And maybe that’s my problem, since dating and logic seldom align.

Anyway, I have remote entry to my car; which means the car doors unlock long before we arrive to get into the car. In the pre-remote-entry days, a gentleman would walk his date to her side of the car, unlock her door, assist her into the car, and then close the door once she gets settled. I suspect the purpose of this tradition was to prevent the women from unnecessarily standing in the cold, rain, snow, hail, heat, wind, etc., while the guy walks to his car door, unlocks it, gets in, and then eventually gets around to unlocking his dates’ door so she can get in. But since I have remote entry, my date gets into the car the exact same time I do. She doesn’t have to wait or stand in inclement weather – so why am I still opening her car door? It still makes sense for me to open all other doors for my date (i.e. – entering a restaurant), but now that technology allows us both to enter a vehicle simultaneously, why should I have to unnecessarily open the car door for her? Isn’t it sort of selfish of women to ask men to stand out in the weather when we don’t have to?

Unfortunately, on most dates I still uninspired-ly go through the motions of opening car doors because I want to make a good impression. But truth be told, I think it’s an outdated practice, and I’d rather save opening car doors only for a special occasions.

The Tragic Kingdom

Where did I leave that dang soapbox? …. I know I put it around here somewhere … Oh … good … there it is.

I am begging the national media – yes, I’m talking to you CNN, CNBC, Fox news, ABC news and CBS news – to stop calling every unfortunate event a tragedy! It’s driving me crazy! Just because a person/people die young, die in accidents, die on TV, get murdered by a spouse, etc., does not make the incident a tragedy! I’m sorry, it doesn’t.

Here are a couple of recent events to illustrate my point.

- In December, a Southwest airplane slid off the runway at Chicago-Midway, broke through a barrier wall separating the runway from the street, and ended-up crashing into, and crushing, two passing vehicles. In one of the cars were some children, and a six-year old boy died from the injuries he sustained from the plane hitting his car.

Definitely a horrible accident, but the anchorman at Fox kept calling this an unspeakable tragedy. WTF?! One person died! That’s all! The 100+ inside the plane pretty much walked-off uninjured, the plane (that was going over 100 knots) didn’t hit more than two cars during rush hour, and there was no major loss of property. How is that a tragedy? Think of how much worse this scenario could have been – and what you are imagining in your mind right now is probably a lot closer to a tragedy than what actually happened.

- Earlier this week, a dozen miners died in a West Virginia coal mine. Putting aside the major “miscommunication” problem that took a traumatic event and made it worse for the coal miner’s families; 12 miners dying in a high-risk profession is not exactly a tragedy either.

Now before anyone starts accusing me of being cold-hearted, let me explain what I think constitutes a tragedy …

For the families of the coal miners and the family of the child who died outside of Midway Airport, losing their loved ones IS A TRAGEDY. But a personal tragedy. When my mom died almost five years ago, her death was a tragedy to our family. Another personal tragedy. And if it was the family members of the victims reporting the news, I would fully and rightfully expect them to call these events tragedies. But it’s not. It is news anchors, whose job it is to report news to the entire country. People in California wouldn’t call a coal mining accident in West Virginia a tragedy. People in Manhattan wouldn’t call the plane accident in Chicago one either. Five or ten years from now, only the people directly involved with these events will ever remember they happened. And that fact alone should tell you that all these sad events, while unfortunate, are not tragedies.

So how many people have to die in order to call something a tragedy? Well, it depends – and here is why …

A tragedy is not simply defined by dead bodies. It can be. But not necessarily. For something to truly be a tragedy, the event must affect a lot of people. It must leave a lasting impression. It may be a spiritual loss. A loss of money or property. A symbolic loss. Or a loss of innocence. And most of the time, a combination of a few.

Let me give you some familiar examples of tragedies and non-tragedies …

John Lennon’s death: TRAGEDY

Perfect example of how it’s not the amount of people who died, but rather who died. Lennon’s death counts as a tragedy because his music meant so much and touched millions of people across the world. His influence, both musically and socially, made a lot of people’s lives better. Lennon’s songs brought joy and smiles, and spoke of love and peace, and we all lost something when he was killed - even through it was only one death.

9/11: TRAGEDY

Obviously. I don’t think I need to explain why this counts a tragedy. But lets consult the tragedy checklist anyway …

Mass Loss of Life – Check
Unforgettable Images – Check
Passes the “Where were you when …” Test – Check
Symbolic Loss – Check
Defines a Period of Time – Check
Changed Many Lives Forever – Check
Part of National Consciousness – Check
Commemorate the Anniversary - Check

93’ World Trade Center Bombing: NOT A TRAGEDY

Anytime a terrorist act occurs, it’s a sad day. Yes, some people died, and the bomb destroyed a large part of the WTC parking garage, and scared a lot of people, but it serves more as a creepy foreshadow to 9/11 instead of a tragedy.

Challenger Disaster: TRAGEDY

Ask anyone between the ages of 28-38 and they will probably tell you a story about how their entire school was watching the Challenger launch when it exploded. For a lot of people in my age group, it’s the first major event they remember in their life. Add in the Cold War, the fact a school teacher was onboard and that the space program had much more national interest in ‘86 then it has nowadays, and the graphic images of the Challenger exploding across the sky – and it’s fairly easy to see how this was a tragedy that affected the entire nation.

Columbia Disaster: NOT A TRAGEDY

Challenger was the first space accident to happen on TV, in a time when people cared about the space shuttle program. By the time Columbia broke-up in the atmosphere early one morning, it was sad and unfortunate, but compared to impact that Challenger had on this country, no one was even all that shocked. In fact, the lack of “shock” by the American people caused NASA to reevaluate the entire space program and figure out what the hell they are doing. Not exactly a national tragedy.

Columbine: TRAGEDY

Sure there were other school shootings before Columbine, but Columbine changed everything. As a country we reevaluated our gun control laws, we took a closer look at bullying in school, whether schools should have metal detectors and video cameras installed, and wondered how the killers’ parents could have missed the warning signs. The images of the students frantically running from the school became burned into our collective memory. The tales of killers asking students if they “believe in God” before shooting them, became regular conversation topics and the subjects of many books. We even turned the word “Columbine” into a verb. After Columbine, high school in this country would never be the same – definitely a tragedy.

Oklahoma City Bombing: TRAGEDY

Not only an act of terrorism, but domestic terrorism. When everyone was sure it was a militant Muslim responsible for the bombing, it turned out it was Gulf War veteran from Kansas who was angry about the debacle in Waco, who terrorized Oklahoma City. Add in the picture of the firefighter carrying out the dead baby in his arms and the picture of the building ripped in two, in combination with how many adults and children died, and you have the most tragic act of domestic terrorism in our history.

So I hope these examples clarify what constitutes a tragedy and what doesn’t. Everyone needs to settle down and quit over-sensationalizing every bad thing that happens in the world. Death is part of life, and not every unforeseen death is a tragedy. Sometimes people die before they should. Sometimes innocent people die for no rhyme or reason. I am begging everyone to save the “unspeakable tragedy” verbiage for the events that are true tragedies.

Here is another way of looking at it. If you go around telling everyone you like, that you love them, it takes away the impact of when you say, “I love you” to someone and really mean it. Same thing with a tragedy.

Finally, A New Post ...

Remember in Forrest Gump, when Jenny leaves Forrest (after they get-it-on which results in Forrest Jr. being born) and Forrest aimlessly walks around his house, staring at Jenny’s former bedroom, with this blank and heartbroken look on his face, having no idea what to do with his life; and eventually Forrest has to run across the U.S a half-dozen times before his heart heals and he can return home … Well, since my last post almost a month ago, I’ve been metaphorically and figuratively jogging around the country. Sadly, I wasn’t able to come up with any clever “Have a Nice Day” t-shirts or any cool slogans like “$hit Happens,” that would make me rich, but my time was well-spent nonetheless.

Being the Christmas season and all, I’m not going to delve into the unfortunate series of events that led to my “jog,” but lets just say that now I feel like Superman in Superman II when he finds that weird, glowing, green crystal and suddenly gets his superpowers back - after inexplicably giving them up for Lois Lane (nice job, lady – you fall in love with Superman and then make him give-up his superhero abilities … yep, Lois is your typical woman). So I feel great, and I’m ready to bend some metal, fly all around, wear a red cape, and do some writing.

Okay, so lets play a little catch-up (I apologize if I am a little rusty):

First, a big, Kathy Bates-sized thank you to everyone who emailed me and posted comments asking me to write again. You know who you are – THANK YOU! Your comments really meant a lot.

Secondly, in October, I wrote that my recent vacation schedule closely resembles a Super Bowl rotation; in that I keep vacationing to Chicago, Kansas and Vegas – just like the Super Bowl seemingly rotates through Miami, New Orleans and San Diego (which in German of course means whale’s vagina). Well, I went to Kansas in November, Chicago for Thanksgiving, and on the 31st, Ryan and I head to Vegas to celebrate New Years!!!

Please keep Ryan and me in your thoughts and prayers as we try our hardest to fend off long-term liver damage, a full-fledged gambling addiction, and as Jimmy Dugan once pontificated, “avoid the clap.”

Thirdly, after a two-year hiatus, I’m back on the dating scene. I’m like Michael Jordan returning to the NBA after he spent a few years in retirement and playing baseball. So be ready to read all about the fascinating dating world; as I try to get into mid-season form, work on my jump shot and defense, polish-up my highlight reel dunks, perfect my dribbling skills, and once again try to become the greatest player in the world. Okay, maybe I was never the dating equivalent of Michael Jordan, but you get my drift.

Fourth, did you know that the A.C in A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell stands for: Albert Clifford? And that Goose’s full name from Top Gun is Nick Bradshaw?

Finally, have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year. In the omniscient words of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas,” I hope everyone “dons their gay apparel” and remembers to, “don’t go until you get some.” Be safe. Hug it out with your family members. And don’t forget to tell everyone you love, that you do in fact, love them.

I’ll be back on a regular writing schedule soon – so please stop by again soon!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Tantra Baby!

I was recently having an email debate with my friend, Beth, who is a big Sting fan. Yes, there are actually big Sting fans, or, at least one anyway. After I called Sting a pretentious guy who takes himself way too seriously; and every one of his songs since 1996 has pretty much sounded the same – Beth accused me of being jealous of his tantric abilities.

Whoa, whoa, whoa – am not!

I gotta be honest, I don’t want to have sex for five straight hours, or six, or seven, or however long Sting and other tantric-maniacs claim their sex lasts. I’m sorry. I don’t. I’m busy. I have things to get done. I don’t have the time, the attention span, or the desire to be bumping uglies for that long. I think from first kiss (or first “action”) initiating sex, to me finishing my sandwich, the elapsed-time should only be say … 2 hours … 2 hours and fifteen minutes … at most two and half hour - tops.

Sure there are going to be exceptions when it may last a lot longer than that (honeymoon, anniversaries, drunken nights), or a lot shorter than that (public sex, quickies, drunken nights, during a commercial break of the KU basketball game), but I’d say on average, 75 minutes is perfect for me. I am all about efficiency, and if both parties involved can leave totally satisfied within 75 minutes, why waste 5 hours? I have other stuff in life that needs my time and attention.

Now before all the women start emailing me, saying I’ll never get laid again, consider this:

How many things in life do you actually want to spend five consecutive hours doing?

I started to come-up with a list. Here is what I have so far …

- A Godfather Marathon
- Sleep
- A Soprano’s Marathon

That’s it.

As much as I love gambling, I don’t want to play blackjack for 5 straight hours unless I am on one helluva of a winning streak. Sporting events usually don’t last 5 hours. Reading for that amount of time eventually puts you to sleep. Meals don’t last that long. Heck, neither does church. Do you ever want to have a heart-to-heart conversation with a significant-other that lasts 300 minutes? (Women don’t answer that) And how many people would work less than 5 hours a day if given the choice? My point is, while sex is very special and I certainly want my partner to be totally satisfied, I don’t want to spend hour-upon-hour doing it. I love sex, but I love doing a lot of other things in life, too. Between 45 minutes and 2 hours is just about right.

Lets look at it this way. I am of the opinion that unless it’s an epic, movies shouldn’t never-ever reach the three hour mark. Same with sex. If you are telling the story of The Titanic or William Wallace, it’s understandable that you are going to need some time to do the film correctly. Just like if you are intimately commemorating something epic with your significant-other, you are going to need time to develop sub-plots, build tension, get in the right mood, work on character arcs, establish a good soundtrack, and so forth. But just like every movie isn’t a three-hour epic, every sex session shouldn’t be either. We all get antsy and our minds start to wander when a movie drags too long, same thing in the bedroom.

Maybe I am missing something crucial about this whole tantra-thing, but it seems to me that tantra, just like Sting, is overrated and long winded.

The Kansas Trip, Part 3 (and Final Chapter)

Driving into work this morning I was listening to CNN Headline News on my brand new XM Satellite Radio and caught the highlights of a recent George W. Bush press conference. Inspired by the intelligent back and forth between the ole’ commander and chief and the White House press corp, I decided to write Part 3 of the Kansas trip like a press conference …

Q: We all know that you, and the others who joined you on the trip, are notoriously responsible when it comes to drinking – did you take any precautions to make sure you didn’t drink and drive while you were in Kansas City.

A: Yes. Despite the fact our hotel was within a short drive of Westport, Kansas City, we took a cab both to and from the bars.

Q: What was your Kansas City cab experience like?

A: Good question. I accidentally left the digital camera in hotel room, so Ryan and I had to take a cab back to the hotel to get it. We made small talk with the cabbie and revealed that we were KU fans in town to watch the KU/Nebraska game on Saturday. While we ran into the hotel to retrieve the camera, our cab driver called his friend who is a fan of the University of Missouri – a KU rival. Upon our return, we had the following conversation:

CAB DRIVER: I was just on the phone with my friend who graduated from Missouri. I told him I had a couple of Jayhawk fans in my cab. He wanted to know if you guys ever get tired of asking, “Would you like fries with that?”

BILL: That’s really original. What does your friend do for a living?

CAB DRIVER: He drives a cab.

(This is the point in the story where Bill and Ryan try their hardest not to tear an oblique stomach muscle laughing)

BILL and RYAN (laughing and sarcastic): Ohhhhhhh, okay!

CAB DRIVER: There’s good money to be made in driving a cab, ya know. My friend just bought a Lincoln!

RYAN: Is it yellow?

Q: That obviously was the perfect comeback; but after clearly winning the good-natured teasing, did you fear for your life?

A: Despite the fact the cabbie got amazingly defensive and annoyed after Ryan’s zinger, and that we couldn’t stop laughing at him, we never thought he’d pull over and kill us. We give a lot of credit to the Kansas City cab companies for hiring pacifist Missouri fan sympathizers.

Q: How’s the diversity amongst the Kansas City cab drivers?

A: It’s great. At the end of the night, we got into a cab driven by a Muslim. Great guy. Bryn dazzled him with her knowledge of ritual fasting, which he very much respected. He was taken by Bryn and that a cute, blonde, American, Midwest girl would have such knowledge of his religion and its people. To show his appreciation, as we exited the cab, he proudly declared a jihad on Bryn’s vagina.

Q: Did you get ripped-off at all during the trip?

A: Yes. Isn’t it annoying and a total waste of money, when you put money into a juke-box and never hear your songs? I stuck in $5 and got like 15 songs – none of which I heard. Really irked me off. It’s like ordering original recipe chicken from KFC, only to get home and find out they gave you extra crispy. Very unsatisfying.

Q: Jasmine is known, the world over, for being … well … frankly, for being a wee-bit slutty at times. Did Jasmine do anything that would add to her legend?

A: I’ll let the historians decide what Jasmine’s legacy will be. I will say that on Friday night, Jasmine did excessively make-out with her Best in Show. For those of you who aren’t fans of dog shows (neither am I, by the way), the Best in Show is the best looking person you see at a bar. I was more than a little intoxicated at the time, so I can’t confirm if Jasmine and her Best in Show, had wandering hands, ran-off to the bathroom for a little afternoon delight (even though it was early morning), or repeatedly dry-humped on the dance floor; but all accounts so far point to Jasmine keeping her crotch to herself. I give Jasmine credit for showing restraint when kissing her Best in Show – it’s not easy to do.

Speaking of restraint and Jasmine, on our last night in Lawrence, she shattered the record for the fastest pick-up time; when she picked-up a not-21-year-old guy in about 1.653546223 seconds. The guy was just sitting there enjoying the night, when out of no where, Jasmine comes up and starts talking to him. The guy was so happy that he had the same look on his face that a 10-year old has after they ride Space Mountain for the first time. Later when he text-messaged Jasmine (or vice versa) and a hook-up was discussed, Jasmine defied all odds and stayed in our hotel room. I think the reason she said no was either 1) she didn’t want to have to deal with his parents 2) it would have been difficult to slip a big-headed, redhead past dorm security. But I don’t want to speculate.

Q: You mentioned earlier religious diversity; did you encounter any other religions on your trip?

A: As we were leaving the bars on Friday night, I was immediately stopped by a Christian women armed with a Bible. She firmly asked me if I knew that God, “Was against alcohol?” My response was, “Do you know what Jesus’ first miracle was?” The blank look on her face after I said that is not unlike the look someone gets when trying to read a foreign subway map. So I told her, “Jesus turned water into wine. I doubt Jesus is against alcohol when he chose to create it as his first miracle.” As amusing as that was, that first exchange is symbolic of the whole conversation we had with this woman and set the tone for the entire chat. Long story, short – Ryan and I blissfully debated Christianity with her for 20 minutes as we ordered hot dogs for the cab ride back to the hotel – we even drew a crowd!

I don’t have a problem with missionary work or people trying to spread the word of God (one of my best friends, Nicole, loves mission work), but a few things struck me about this encounter:

1) Waiting for drunk people outside of a bar probably isn’t the best venue for these discussions. Has anyone been totally plowed, about ready to take home their Best in Show for the night, had a brief chat with a Christian on the street corner, and said, “screw this, I am going to sober-up, send this ridiculously attractive person home by him/herself, and ask Jesus into my heart? I seriously doubt it (plus, debating a drunk person is an exhausting task in itself). If you are going to do mission work, why not spend your valuable time and energy working with the homeless, or with prostitutes, or with convicts, or with any other group that is going to yield a higher success rate and really give you a shot to influence someone’s life? Isn’t preaching to the drunk as they leave a bar/club, like me going to a KState or Missouri game, and trying to convince their fans to become Jayhawk fans as they leave the arena? Wouldn’t I have a better chance of getting someone to attend or support KU by going to high schools, junior colleges, employment agencies, or talking to people with no college experience? Of course I would.

2) If you are going to try to convert people on the street corner, be knowledgeable about your subject matter. I am sure this lady’s heart was in the right place, but she knew nothing about evolution, very little about what the Bible says on certain topics, i.e. – slavery (this lady was black, by the way), and not much about Christian history or philosophy. Not to mention, she had very poor speaking skills. Again, if I am trying to recruit someone to go to or support KU, I am not going to send out the students on academic probation to try to get people to embrace Jayhawk-anity.

Q: One of the reasons you guys took the trip when you did was so you could watch the Kansas Jayhawk vs. Nebraska Cornhusker football game. When was the last time the Jayhawks beat Nebraska in football?

A: The last time Kansas beat Nebraska in football was two months after the signing of the Declaration of Independence – James Madison was even at the game. We have black and white pictures hanging up in the student union of the future president waving his wheat after the game winning field goal.

Q: What was your impression of the Nebraska fans?

Well to be brutally honest, the traveling Cornhusker fans may be the most unattractive fan base in the United States today. I think on a per-tooth basis, their mouths have the fewest in the country. In fact, I’m sending a letter to ABC tomorrow, demanding they do an Extreme Makeover: Nebraska Students and Alumni.

I was also surprised by how quiet they were. I didn’t think 5,000 people at a sporting event could make so little noise. Maybe the fact the KU football team was beating them like it was basketball season had something to with their deafening silence … I’m not sure.

But they were very nice people for showing up.

Q: So for anyone who may have missed it, what was the final score of the game?

A: It was 247-3. Kansas!

Okay, I can’t lie, it was 104-15. Kansas. We would have scored 243 points if it wasn’t for that pesky 60 minute game rule they have in football.

Rock Chalk, Jayhawk!

Q: So Kansas ended their long losing streak to Nebraska … did any other streaks come to an end at the game?

A: Sadly yes. Bryn is one of the most coordinated people in world, not working for Cirque du Soleil. Bryn hasn’t accidentally spilt anything on anyone since she was a two-year old sitting in a high chair.

During halftime, she and Ryan went off to get some food from the concession stand and purchased a basket full of tacos. As she made her way through the people sitting in our row and to our seats, she somehow lost her balance and ended-up spraying tacos on at least four people plus Ryan. She had purchased three tacos and after the incident only one remained – that’s how bad the spill was. Taco sauce, lettuce, ground beef, taco shells and tomatoes, were launched everywhere. It seriously looked like someone tried to put out a fire using only taco ingredients.

Not only was Bryn nearly brought to tears by the embarrassment of hosing down a half-dozen Jayhawk fans with taco guts, but evidently the fans weren’t too pleased or sympathetic to her either - despite her repeated apologies. I guess I can’t really blame them though - I think we’d all be pretty upset if we were watching Kansas absolutely destroy one of the most storied football programs in college football history, and before we knew it, we were up to my waste in taco toppings, courtesy of some skinny blonde.

Poor Bryn.

Q: Getting back to the game itself, how did it feel to watch this ridiculously one-sided game, where the Jayhawks dominated from start to finish, and not only broke the spirit of the Cornhusker football team, but possibly even the entire state of Nebraska?

A: It was probably the greatest football game I’ve ever attended. We were on our feet, screaming at the top of our lungs, and clapping, for three straight hours. And thanks to the pathetic Nebraska football team, we waved our wheat so much that I thought I was developing a mild case of tennis elbow. Luckily we had a hot tub at the hotel, but I digress. Two of the best indicators of a really fun sporting event are 1) you lose your voice cheering 2) you get so excited, you joyfully high-five strangers – both of those things occurred at the KU/Nebraska game. And when Nebraska finally begged for mercy, like William Wallace screaming “FREEDOM!” at the end of Braveheart, we charged the field, we tore down the goalposts, we carried the goalposts out the stadium, and threw one of them in Potter Lake … so the victory felt pretty good.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes the state of Nebraska and the Cornhusker football team, years to recover from an ass-whooping like that. They may even need to seek-out professional psychological treatment – we’ll see.

I have time for one more question.

Q: Besides Bryn spilling half a Taco Bell restaurant on strangers and her boyfriend, any other memorable interactions occur between your group and Kansas fans?

A: The group of guys sitting right in front of us brought their own Jack and Coke to the game since Memorial Stadium is a dry facility. Actually, they brought their own Jack and poured it into a Coke they purchased at the game – yuck. Anyway, by the mid-third quarter, these barely 18-year olds were all drunk off their asses (a sign of inexperienced drinkers). On or about this time is when Kansas really started putting the screws to Nebraska and it was getting more and more apparent that a Kansas victory was looming.

Let the trash talking begin!

Like I said earlier, we were all very rowdy and talking crap about Nebraska, but these drunk idiots in front of us were making the stupidest declarations in the history of taunting and mocking. I was embarrassed these guys were rooting for Kansas. For about 20-30 minutes straight, this one drunk guy could only loudly scream the following three phrases:

“Go Home!”
“F*ck Nebraska!”
“It’s Over!”

I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but I’m not – that is literally all this guy could say! And to make matters worse; he wasn’t funny and was trying really, really hard to jinx us. When you haven’t beaten a team since John Quincy Adams was a teenager, you really don’t want to tempt fate.

Since all four of us laughing at him and making fun of his bonehead, drunk chants wasn’t working in quieting him down, Jasmine decided to take matters into her own hand, or more accurately, her own mouth. Jasmine took a big sip of her Sprite and spit it onto the back of the idiot’s head and neck. She did it once, twice, three times a spitter. Not only did it shut him up and require him and his friends to move a few rows down, but somehow he also never figured out that it was Jasmine spitting on him! Great move on Jasmine’s part.

I’m not advocating spitting on drunk, obnoxious college freshman, but in this instance it was certainly justified. Our entire section of fans genuinely appreciated Jasmine’s crowd control creativity.

That’s all the time I have for questions. Goodbye and thank you for coming.